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I'm not a monster.
S01E05 Roger Codger
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:42
[ Bones Crunching ]
00:47
[ All Screaming ]
00:50
I just made a killing in the shock market.
01:04
Time! Reset the test course.
01:07
[Bell Rings ]
01:09
[ Chattering ]
01:12
[ Groans ]
01:14
Deputy Director Bullock, I had no idea you were watching.
01:16
Glad I could be so impressive. I'll take my victory muffin now.
01:20
Make it... bran.
01:23
I'm afraid your usual muffin's been earmarked for someone else.
01:26
Hi. Agent Duper. Big fan.
01:28
Agent Duper not only bested your time...
01:31
he did so with a far better catchphrase.
01:33
What? Better than "shock market"? - Duper?
01:36
[Imitating Desi Arnaz ] Lucy, you got some 'sploding to do.
01:40
[ Grenade Explodes ] - [ Man Screams ]
01:42
Oh, we're doing accents now?
01:47
But at the last minute, God told Abraham not to sacrifice his son.
01:51
It was all just a test of his faith.
01:54
My uncle's doing 25-to-life for sacrificing his son.
01:57
Well, I hope he found God.
02:00
He sure didn't find him in my cousin's stomach.
02:04
Hayley! - Mom!
02:06
This is my Bible class. Please, dim your headlights.
02:10
Bible class, huh?
02:12
Hey, tell them the story of how God was denied his fruity cereal.
02:15
No, wait. That was the Trix rabbit.
02:17
I get them confused, because they're both fake.
02:20
When did you become so jaded? - She's a harlot!
02:23
They should be stoned! - Way ahead of you, kid.
02:29
I'm telling you. That Agent Duper is out for my job.
02:31
I always get the muffin. Always! Damn it!
02:35
Did you use my "shock market" line?
02:37
Yeah, and it died. Thanks a lot, Larry David.
02:40
Beep, beep. Done with your foot cream, Stan.
02:42
I got most of it back in the tube.
02:44
Oh, for crying out loud! Can't you get your own?
02:47
Love to, but you won't let me leave the house.
02:49
So, unless you're gonna open a Circle K In the dining room...
02:52
looks like we're ointment buddies.
02:54
Oh, and F.Y.I., your roll-on really worked wonders on my 'rhoids.
02:58
Great. Francine, this Duper situation is out of control.
03:03
Hey, why don't you invite your boss over for dinner tomorrow night?
03:07
You know, for some good, old-fashioned boot licking.
03:09
Dinner, huh? Great idea.
03:12
Ah, cheap Chinese toothbrush! They can make a chicken taste like an orange...
03:16
but when it comes to oral hygiene, they really phone it in.
03:21
[ Fanfare ]
03:24
You bitch. - Bitch.
03:26
Bitch! - Bitch!
03:28
God, they sure knew how to write female characters back then.
03:32
Look alive, people! Roger, what the hell?
03:34
If my boss sees you, I'm finished.
03:36
[ Doorbell Rings ] - That's him. Up in your attic! Move!
03:39
Ah, now you're doing this? - Yeah, I haven't been feeling so great.
03:42
Once it dries, it'll chip right off.
03:44
Go! - Can I just top off my Chardonnay?
03:47
I'll bring it up later. - Something bright and summery on the palate...
03:50
but with an explosive finish— All right, I'm going!
03:58
Deputy Director Bullock, welcome, welcome!
04:00
We're so glad you could make it. Where's your wife this evening?
04:04
Handcuffed to a radiator in Fallujah.
04:06
She wanted to come, but I do not negotiate with terrorists.
04:10
Hey, do! I smell meat loaf?
04:13
Hayley, why don't you say grace?
04:15
I'll pass. - Come on.
04:17
You pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh, God! Oh, God!"
04:20
Yes, yes, she's very devout.
04:22
Anyway, what are these photos doing laminated in our place mats?
04:25
Is this Agent Duper?
04:27
Yes, and he's eating a falafel, recreationally.
04:31
[Coughs ] Terrorist. - Smith!
04:33
It appears you've gone to great lengths to discredit a fellow agent.
04:37
I like your style.
04:40
[Women On TV, Slapping ] - Slut!
04:42
Slut! - Slut!
04:44
Slut! - Slut!
04:46
God, who do you have to probe around here to get a Chardonnay? - [ Continues ]
04:50
Um, uh—
05:00
That's all 50. - Idaho.
05:02
Well done, Smith! - [ Gasps ]
05:05
Pardon me. I think I hear my wife's pie burning.
05:09
That's my boss out there! Have you lost your mind?
05:12
No, but I lost my buzz, thanks to you. - [ Bullock ] Smith?
05:15
Into the bathroom! -[ Yelling ]
05:17
Smith, this might be the Chardonnay talking...
05:21
but I think this bathroom is the perfect place to discuss your promotion.
05:25
Into the tub! - Without my flip-flops?
05:28
Ah, no! Good God, control yourself -[ Yelling ]
05:31
Stop it! Oh, in my eye!
05:34
Smith, are you under attack in there?
05:36
No, everything's fine. - Stand back!
05:38
[ Grunts ] Good God, Smith!
05:41
What the— Oh! [ Groaning ]
05:49
Thanks a lot, Roger. How do you expect me to compete with Duper after what my boss saw in there?
05:53
It's not my fault I don't feel well.
05:55
It's always something with you. You've been nothing but a burden.
05:58
[ Gasps ] - Stan, please!
06:00
Yeah, Dad. Don't stress him out. It messes with his stomachs.
06:03
No! No! It's about time he heard it!
06:05
We're the ones risking our necks here.
06:07
Do you know what would happen to us if the government found out we were hiding an alien?
06:10
Oh, but he doesn't care. No, he just lays around the house...
06:12
inhaling groceries and pumping out pudding.
06:15
Shut up, Stan! Just shut up!
06:17
Our lives would be a hell of a lot easier if you were just gone!
06:20
Oh, yeah? Well, I-i-i-i--
06:23
[ Gasping, Wheezing ]
06:27
Roger, are you okay?
06:30
Oh, bravo, bravo. Quite a performance.
06:33
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ethan Hawke.
06:35
He doesn't look right, Dad. - Up and at em, Ethan.
06:38
Time to make another awful Richard Linklater movie.
06:40
Just ignore him. He's being a drama queen.
06:42
All right, everyone up to bed. - It's 7:45.
06:45
We're going to bed!
06:47
Uh, "Good night, Klaus?" Geez!
06:53
Huh. What commitment! Wakey, wakey, Mr. Hawke.
06:57
Gattaca ii finally got its financing.
06:59
Dad, I think he's dead. - [ Gasps ]
07:01
Well, then I guess he wouldn't mind if! I poke him in the eye with a fork.
07:06
[All Screaming ] - Yeah, he's dead.
07:08
I can't believe he's gone.
07:10
He's up in heaven now, bumming smokes off Jesus.
07:13
Poor Roger. - We should have a really nice memorial service.
07:17
Out of the question! No, I'll have to dispose of the body...
07:20
so the government can never trace it back to us.
07:22
Well, at least do it in a way that honors his memory...
07:24
and all that he meant to us.
07:26
Darling, it's me.
07:29
A double cheeseburger, small fries and a Mr. Pibb.
07:34
Not the largest. The one right under that.
07:35
[ Man On Speaker ] That would be the medium.
07:38
[ Tires Screeching ]
07:44
Can I get some ketchup? Oh, no, it's already in there.
07:47
I see it. I see It.
07:56
[ Screams ]
07:58
Oh, that sounded kind of effeminate.
08:01
Holy crap!
08:03
Can't a guy fall into a stress-induced hibernation cycle...
08:06
without being chucked in the trash?
08:08
Okay, calm down. Calm down. Nothing to be scared of. -[ Bird Tweets ]
08:11
[ Screams ]
08:13
Ahh, get it off me!
08:16
Wait a minute. I can use this to get home...
08:19
disguised as a lady. - [ Glass Clinking ]
08:21
A lady who keeps medical waste in her pockets.
08:27
You call me, Dad?
08:29
Son, I Know you're having trouble dealing with Roger's death...
08:32
So I thought it might cheer you up to help me burn...
08:35
every shred of evidence that he ever existed.
08:37
What? Why can't we just hide that stuff?
08:40
It's too risky. No one can ever know Roger was here.
08:43
Don't you have any feelings?
08:44
Son, feelings are what women have. They come from their ovaries.
08:48
You're a monster! I have no father!
08:53
I'm not a monster.
09:00
So if I cash out my pension right now...
09:02
how much will I get?
09:04
Oh, damn it! That's a very steep penalty.
09:08
So, basically, you're telling me I'm stuck here for two more years.
09:12
Yeah, thanks for nothing, Marty.
09:15
So-So what is it now? Your mother died or something?
09:18
No, it was a very dear, dear—
09:21
He was like a pet. You'll have to forgive her. She's very upset.
09:25
Could you say a prayer for him on Sunday?
09:27
You know, so maybe he'll hear it in heaven.
09:30
For a pet? You're serious?
09:34
Look, according to the church, there are no pets in heaven.
09:37
Eligible for heaven: You got your men, women, children and apes who use sign language.
09:42
Not going to heaven: You got your pets, your dinosaurs...
09:45
your smart types and self-aware robots.
09:48
You ever seen Blade Runner?
09:50
No, of course you haven't. All righty. Can I validate your parking?
09:55
Wait a minute. Roger was good.
09:57
What kind of god wouldn't allow him into heaven?
10:00
This kind.
10:02
That's your idea of God?
10:04
[ Chuckles ] Hey, kick your ass.
10:06
[Sobbing ] - Whatever.
10:10
How do I get home?
10:12
Where the hell is a trail of Reese's Pieces when you need one?
10:16
Hey, where you goin'? -[ Screams ] I'm not an alien.
10:19
Back on the bus, Mrs. Nesbaum.
10:21
[ Roger ] Huh?
10:24
Look, there's been a mistake. I need to get home.
10:26
The home? No, we're goin' to D.C. to see the sights.
10:29
Haven't seen you around the pill line. The name's Gertie.
10:35
Now don't you fret about that. Happens to me all the time.
10:39
What do you know? It's happenin' right now.
10:44
Morning, Jackson. Wanna help me analyze some Al-Qaeda chatter?
10:48
Actually, Stan, they put Agent Duper on chatter.
10:50
They bumped you down to Al-Qaeda banter.
10:53
[ Man On Tape] So I'm trying those whitening strips, but they're not working.
10:57
[ Man #2 ] Are you wearing them every day?
10:59
Well, every other day. - Well, duh. That's why they're not working.
11:02
[Steve's Voice ] Don't you have any feelings?
11:04
Youre a monster! I have no father!
11:08
[ Groans ]
11:11
What seems to be the problem?
11:14
Well, I got in an argument with our dog.
11:16
He expelled a large amount of xenoplasm, and then he died.
11:19
Am I a monster for not feeling anything?
11:21
Well, that depends, Stan. How close were you to this dog?
11:24
Well, we do go back a ways.
11:26
[Alarm Sounding ] - [Man On P.A. ] The alien has escaped to Level 4.
11:29
Repeat: Level 4! - Electronic Humming ]
11:33
I'll check this lab where the theremin music is coming from.
11:36
Don't hurt me. I know it sounds cliche, but I mean you no harm.
11:40
You're the alien? Well, they said you'd be bigger and with claws.
11:44
Oh, I've got claws. Look how fat you are.
11:47
See? Kitty can scratch.
11:49
[Man] It's in the lab! Let's dust it!
11:52
Let's go, space chimp!
12:07
[ Groaning ]
12:10
You saved my life. How can I ever repay you?
12:13
You got Tivo?
12:15
Stan? Thought I lost you there.
12:18
Now look, this is a safe place. How do you feel?
12:23
Oh, I guess I feel kind of... sad?
12:26
And do you know why? - Because I... miss him?
12:30
No. Because you're a lady!
12:35
-[ Laughing ] - "Oh, yeah. I'm sensitive."
12:38
-I am not a lady! - Wait, Stan. You forgot your purse.
12:41
Oh, I swear I'd lose my own head if I—
12:44
Hey, I don't have a purse!
12:48
Heaven, pearly gates, angels— it's all a lie.
12:52
When your parents die, they'll be in a hole in the ground...
12:55
worms slowly chewing through their foul, putrid organs.
12:59
Uh, don't worry, kids. God is real...
13:01
Jesus loves you, et cetera, et cetera.
13:03
Mom, what are you doing?
13:05
Well, I just can't believe in a god that wouldn't let Roger into heaven.
13:09
Hey, Hayley, since Dad's a heartless bastard and all...
13:12
I'm auditioning new father figures.
13:14
Now should I go with outwardly affectionate Tom Hanks...
13:17
or consistently underrated Jeff Bridges?
13:20
Why are you worried about Dad? It's Mom that we've lost!
13:23
Steve, mein Kinderstrudel,
13:25
there's an emotionally available father figure floating in front of you.
13:29
Really? You'd be my dad? - It would be mein honor.
13:33
Now, here's your allowance. Five bubbles.
13:35
Ach, what the hell. Six bubbles.
13:38
Don't tell your mother.
13:42
Wow. The Oval Office.
13:45
Just think of the history that's been made behind that desk.
13:48
Not to mention under it. [ Laughing ]
13:51
Here, have yourself a nip. - Wow! Getting hammered in the Oval Office.
13:55
Hey, look! I'm Kitty Dukakis in an alternate timeline.
13:59
People, this footage was captured at 1400 hours today...
14:03
by a White House security camera.
14:05
Sorry I'm late. I was getting a piping hot cup of coffee.
14:08
It's far too hot to drink, but luckily my leathery man mouth can take it.
14:11
Sit down, Smith. Our analysts have confirmed this creature...
14:14
is none other than the alien that escaped from Area 51 four years ago.
14:20
My eyes! - He's alive!
14:23
Naturally, recapturing this fugitive is our top priority.
14:26
Then we can track down the bastards...
14:29
that have been harboring it and punish them brutally!
14:32
[ Man Screams ] - I mean really brutally.
14:36
Weird stuff. Butt stuff.
14:39
[ Man Screams ] - Somebody take Smith's coffee.
14:43
[ Horn Honking ]
14:45
[ Cell Phone: Patriotic ] - Smith. Talk.
14:49
Stan, you lantern-jawed Sasquatch!
14:52
You throw any of your kids in the garbage today?
14:55
Roger, I've been looking for you. Where are you?
14:57
Oh, I'm getting by just fine on my own.
15:00
And I got— I got something to say—
15:02
Call him a carpetbagger! - You're a carpetbagger, Stan!
15:05
You know that? What's that?
15:07
Look, I'm sure you're mad I chucked you in the trash...
15:10
but I've thought about it, and I'm willing to forgive me.
15:12
But the important thing is the C.I.A. is looking for you.
15:15
Oh, yeah? Bring 'em on! I got some stories to tell them about who's been hiding me.
15:19
Hope you and your family like prison, because that's where you'll be rotting.
15:22
In prison! That's who!
15:24
Hey, I'm not screwing around here. My butt is literally on the line.
15:27
Well, that must be one massive line, because your butt is huge!
15:32
-[ Laughs ] -[ Line Disconnects ]
15:35
So, old buddy, to protect our family, we must kill a friend.
15:40
Don't worry. It's not you. I could never be mad at you.
15:44
Huh? Coochie-coochie. Ha, ha! Made you laugh!
15:49
Gun, we've got to track down and kill Roger...
15:52
before the C.I.A. finds him.
15:54
[ Sniffing ] Oh, gun! Crack a window!
15:57
Boy, I really got up in Stan's grille, huh?
16:00
He was all, "Come back!" And I was all, "Fat-ass carpetbagger!"
16:04
-[ Laughing ] - He had it comin'!
16:06
That family don't give a Dixie toot about you.
16:09
From now on, we're a family.
16:11
We are, aren't we? Oh, my God!
16:16
A Dynasty exhibit. They must've gotten my letters.
16:19
Can we go? Can we go? Can we go? Can we?
16:21
Sounds glorious. Let's get movin', sis.
16:25
Oh, almost forgot. [ Hawking ]
16:27
That's for freein' the slaves, you Negro-lovin' Yankee devil!
16:34
And suddenly things turned ugly.
16:37
Roger? [ Whistles ]
16:39
Here, boy! Damn it. Where could he be?
16:42
This ain't your corner, bitch!
16:44
Well, I guess my G.P.S. is out of whack, slut!
16:47
Bitch! - Slut!
16:49
Bitch! - Slut!
16:50
This reminds me of something.
16:52
[ Gasps ] Dynasty!
16:55
CIA. To the Smithsonian! Drive!
16:58
Wait. This is my car. Even better!
17:01
Now, Son, here's a fun activity my father taught me.
17:05
But I feel weird washing Mom's underwear.
17:07
Nonsense! We're bonding. Now bury me in an avalanche of panties.
17:11
ja. ja. Her sweaty, sweaty sports bra!
17:14
[ Cackling ]
17:18
Mom, you're reading the Bible again!
17:20
Oh, no. There's an oil spill in the garage.
17:23
I'm just gonna mop it up with Exodus.
17:26
[ Phone Rings ] - Hello?
17:27
Hayley? Roger. Got a sec?
17:29
Roger? Whoa! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones...
17:33
where I can talk to the dead but only with horrible, ironic consequences?
17:37
Oh, right. It's past noon. You're already high.
17:39
Let me talk to the fish.
17:41
Oh, my God! You're really alive?
17:43
Yes, and I've somehow acquired a nasty, old, racist sidekick.
17:47
I'm at the Smithsonian. You gotta come get me.
17:49
There you are. You send me to get you a churro, and then you disappear.
17:53
Anyway, here's your filthy wetback doughnut. - Hurry.
17:58
[ Gasps ]
18:00
We've tracked the alien here. We need to take it alive...
18:03
SO we can punish those who've been hiding it.
18:07
Not if! I get to him first.
18:09
Oh, my God! Joan Collins's ball gown!
18:12
Linda Evans's tennis outfit! Wow! John Forsythe's girdle!
18:17
Oh, the stories it could tell.
18:19
[ Steve ] Roger? - Steve! Hayley!
18:21
Oh, thank God you came.
18:23
Roger's alive? It's a miracle!
18:26
I Knew you couldn't resist a federally funded Dynasty exhibit.
18:29
Stan! Look, about that phone call—
18:32
[ Gunshot ] - [Screams ] What are you doing?
18:34
Say your prayers, space chimp. - Stan, no!
18:37
Leave her alone, whitey!
18:40
[ Gunshots Continue ] - [ Both Gasping ]
18:54
[ Bullock ] Damn it! He's getting away!
18:56
[ Duper ] Look, we're parachute ghosts!
18:59
[ Making Ghostly Sounds ]
19:05
All this for a "fat-ass" comment?
19:09
No, former Dad!
19:11
Nobody threatens my family. Now get out of the way, or I'll shoot you all.
19:14
Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
19:17
Leave her alone, you two-dollar, pai-gow whore!
19:21
[ Gertie Screaming ]
19:23
We know you're in there, alien! Come out with your tentacles up!
19:27
Dad, you can't just give him up! - That's the C.I.A. out there.
19:30
They won't stop until they have Roger in custody.
19:33
Just make it quick. - No, Roger!
19:35
Use my children as a shield! - [ Both Gasping ]
19:38
It's no use. They've got me. If they torture me, I'll crack.
19:41
I mean, I can't even make it through the afternoon without a freakin' mojito.
19:46
I'd never want to put my family's safety at risk.
19:48
Your family? - Of course. Now how are we gonna do this?
19:52
I think right here would be most dramatic.
19:54
Okay. Huh?
19:57
What's this? Some kind of tear-like substance coming from my eyes.
20:01
He's crying. - I'm not a lady!
20:03
Stan, having feelings doesn't make you a lady.
20:06
It makes you human.
20:09
[ Bullock ] We've got to blow this door! Prepare the door blower!
20:13
We really should find a better name for that.
20:15
[ Sighs ] Well, it's clear what I have to do.
20:20
Smith! - I've got the alien, sir.
20:24
Give me back my wig, you scalp-happy red man!
20:27
Look how it mimics our language.
20:30
[ Gertie Muttering ]
20:32
Well done, Agent Smith. I'm going back to the office...
20:35
and striking the words "tool" and "incompetent" from your personal record.
20:40
Thanks. Perhaps you could insert the words "lady" and "not a."
20:44
You know, I think we can.
20:50
It's good to have you back, buddy.
20:52
So, Roger, what was heaven like?
20:54
Heaven? Wh-What the hell are you— - [ Kicking ]
20:57
Oh, yeah, heaven. Oh, oh, it was great.
20:59
Fluffy clouds, unicorns, bubble-gum waterfalls, all that crap.
21:03
Roger's our little miracle. Isn't he, Mom?
21:06
He sure is. God certainly works in mysterious ways.
21:10
Oh, wait. This is last month.
21:46
Bye. Have a great time!
