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I don't want any crab cakes.
S02E02 A Smith in the Hand
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[Man Narrating ] Tonight on Fox, it's...
00:34
The Simple Life: Life Without Parole.
00:38
We're gonna give new meaning to the term "hard time."
00:42
[I Wolf Whistles ] Woman! Woman! - That's hot.
00:45
[Narrator ] Watch Paris and Nicole debase themselves...
00:48
as they desperately cling to their last shred of stardom.
00:52
Hey, we were watching that! - It's mindless and degrading.
00:55
Oh, come on! As a shut-in, I only have two pleasures:
00:59
trash TV and booze.
01:01
Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em in the oven, it's like baking art.
01:04
[ Snickers ] - All you do is sit on your ass all day.
01:07
You're such a loser! -[Gasps ] I am not a loser!
01:10
Hayley, you take that back!
01:12
Okay, Roger. Maybe I went too—
01:14
Hayley, what the hell's wrong with you? Finish him!
01:17
No! I just cleaned this carpet.
01:20
Hey, Dad, I need you to sign this permission slip.
01:23
They're teaching sex education at school.
01:25
Hmm. Could you give us a moment, Steve?
01:28
[ Screams ]
01:30
What was that for? - He's only 14.
01:33
I don't want some unionized pervert...
01:35
teaching my son about nature's filthy secret.
01:37
But, honey, Steve is at that age...
01:39
and they're just trying to give him a little knowledge.
01:41
They? Who's they?
01:43
The smut-peddling flag burners or the God-killing tree huggers?
01:47
[Steve] Tree huggers, I think.
01:49
Well, it's clear what must be done.
01:51
We have to burn the school to the ground. - Stan!
01:53
Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal.
01:55
Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.
02:00
Stan! - Coming.
02:05
These academics are expert at using mind games...
02:07
to implant their liberal agendas.
02:09
I've dealt with them before, so leave the talking to me.
02:12
Good. You're both here. - And you're both here.
02:15
I understand there's a problem. - I understand there's a solution.
02:18
Mr. Smith, you're not making sense. - Playing the race card already?
02:21
I've got him on the ropes. - Thank you for seeing us, Principal Lewis.
02:25
My husband is just a teeny bit concerned...
02:27
that Steve may not be ready for sex education.
02:30
That's right. My wife didn't spend 36 hours squeezing Steve from her birth canal...
02:34
so you could shove his face right back in there!
02:36
The state requires that he take sex ed in order to graduate.
02:41
Fine. Then instead of your bohemian filth fest...
02:43
I demand he be offered a more wholesome, family-friendly alternative.
02:47
And who do you propose teach this stupid class?
02:49
I'm Professor Smith.
02:51
You should all be grateful your parents signed you up...
02:54
for this morally upright health class.
02:56
Oh, this be the morally upright class?
02:59
I'm in the other one. Excuseth me, English.
03:03
[ Whip Cracks ] - [Horse Neighs ]
03:05
Okay, now that the square is gone, we can really rap.
03:09
So, what do you need to know?
03:11
Um, everything, I guess. I talk a big game...
03:13
but I actually know very little about sex.
03:15
Well, you don't have to worry about it, because you're not having it.
03:18
Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know— - You don't need to know.
03:21
That's the beautiful mystery of sex. - Well, I guess not, but—
03:24
See, if I tell you about it, it won't be a mystery.
03:27
It'll just be a fact— an ugly, moist fact...
03:30
squatting on your brain like an octopus.
03:32
And you don't want an octopus squatting on your brain, do you, Son?
03:35
No. - And that's where babies come from.
03:40
How did it go with Steve today?
03:42
Fantastic. I gave him the totality of my man knowledge.
03:46
Ooh, you're such a good father. [ Moaning ]
03:49
Francine, what are you doing? This is where we eat.
03:52
I'm in the middle of spring cleaning. You know what that does to me.
03:55
Oh, right, spring cleaning. Oh, I completely forgot to clean the gutters.
03:59
Forget those gutters! Clean my gutters!
04:02
[ Both Moaning ]
04:06
[ Gasps ] Steve! - Is this a bad time?
04:08
No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother.
04:11
[Squeaking ] - Okay. Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid...
04:15
and I still have some questions about... sex.
04:19
Absolutely, Son. Let's talk in private.
04:21
Stan, do you want me to come with you?
04:23
No. This is a father's job.
04:25
Besides, sons have complex relationships with their mothers.
04:28
Especially if they're as beautiful and sexy as my mother.
04:33
Upside-down margarita!
04:36
[ Gagging, Coughing ] Roger, what are you doing?
04:40
Hayley was right. I am wasting my life.
04:43
So I decided to get my bartender's license.
04:45
Oh, forgot the umbrella. - [ Gags ]
04:47
Wait. Does a margarita take an umbrella?
04:50
[ Screams ] My test is tomorrow!
04:52
So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
04:56
That's right. Or angels will kill you. Good night.
04:58
Some of the guys at school say if you have urges...
05:01
you can handle them yourself
05:03
Ah, I knew this day would come.
05:05
It's time for you to watch the film that made me the man I am today.
05:16
[ Man Narrating ] Hey, kids, meet Timmy Johnson.
05:19
Timmy is a healthy, athletic, all-American boy...
05:22
who is about to fall victim to a terrible evil—
05:26
an evil greater than civil rights and Communism combined.
05:30
Mom? Dad? My game ended early.
05:33
[ Narrator ] Timmy is about to touch himself.
05:35
Three hours alone! What will I do? Jeepers! What's this?
05:47
[ Screaming ]
05:52
Whoa! That's messed up.
05:54
So how do we defeat these evil urges?
05:57
The way I have my entire life.
06:00
With hobbies. Hobbies keep your mind clean and your hands busy.
06:03
I've had a hobby since I was your age...
06:05
and not once have I ever played a solo on the devil's clarinet.
06:08
You've got your fly tying, your gun cleaning, your decoupage.
06:11
What's this for? - Only the greatest hobby of all— wood burning.
06:15
You use a burning tool to scorch pictures or whimsical sayings onto wood.
06:19
Sayings like "Kiss the Cook" or "Friday's Comin'"...
06:23
or my favorite, "You Want It When?"
06:25
[ Laughing ] "You Want It When?"
06:28
Get it? It expresses disbelief at an unreasonable deadline.
06:32
[ Laughs ] That just kills me.
06:34
I'm ready, Dad. Let's beat temptation!
06:37
Okay. I'll just place a thin strip of wood across my unprotected lap.
06:42
Now, take that red-hot poker and drive it on home, hard as you can.
06:46
Wait! The good hobbyist always thinks about safety first.
06:51
Now let her rip.
06:55
[ Screaming ]
06:58
[Scream Echoing ]
07:05
Oh, luckily it's only a minor injury.
07:08
Minor? I doubt we'd be calling it minor if it was your wee-wee.
07:12
Here's your prescription, Dad. - Finally. The burn ointment.
07:15
"Apply to affected area."
07:17
Why can't they write these things in English?
07:20
Everybody out! I'm calling the C.I.A. doctor.
07:23
-[ Monitor Beeping ] - Smith, I'm elbow-deep inside the vice president's chest.
07:26
This better be important. - Vital. How do you use ointment?
07:28
Oh, just take a large gob and apply it directly to the affected area.
07:32
Oh, okay, but, uh, the affected area is my—
07:35
Doctor, the aorta has ruptured. - Clamp on to it with both hands.
07:37
Okay, but to do that, I'm gonna have to put you on speakerphone.
07:40
The artery is retracting!
07:42
[Doctor On Phone ] Pull on it! Pull with all your might!
07:44
I-I feel weird. Maybe I should stop.
07:47
Don't quit on me now, you son of a bitch! Keep pumping!
07:49
But I'm-- I'm-- [ Screaming ]
07:53
[Scream Echoing ]
08:00
Why do we keep grazing here?
08:02
I don't know. I do not know.
08:08
Where's your father? His dinner's getting cold.
08:11
He hasn't left the bathroom for two days.
08:13
He just stays up there applying ointment and shouting. - [ Stan Screaming ]
08:17
It's my fault. I mutilated him.
08:20
Steve, it was just an accident, and it wasn't that bad.
08:23
Not that bad? Just listen to his cries of anguish!
08:27
[ Stan Screaming ] - [Sobbing ]
08:31
Whew. Enough of that for one day.
08:33
Ah, might as well make it a baker's dozen.
08:36
Besides, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm healing.
08:39
And healing feels good. Incredibly good.
08:42
Like God has kissed me with a mouthful of scotch.
08:44
[Steve] Dad! There you are.
08:46
Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
08:50
Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.
08:53
[ Laughs ] Well said, soldier.
08:56
I just want to say how sorry I am...
08:58
and I hope this experience will bring us even closer together.
09:01
Of course it will. Now get out.
09:04
Welcome to Roger's Place. What's your poison?
09:07
All right. I'll have a Cosmopolitan.
09:09
A Cosmo for the lady who changed my life.
09:12
Just need to see some I.D.
09:15
[ Laughs ] Okay, here you go.
09:17
Yeah, this is clearly fake.
09:20
I'm gonna have to confiscate this, Dr. Ernestine Chow.
09:24
But I need that to get into bars!
09:26
Uh-huh. I could lose my license.
09:28
What license? You're an alien!
09:30
This is make-believe in our attic!
09:32
We gonna have a problem? -[ Grunts ]
09:37
-[ Air Horn Blares ] - Rise and shine!
09:39
Wh-What? - Time for you to leave me alone.
09:42
I mean, Steve needs a ride to school.
09:44
Oh, okay. I better get dressed. - Already taken care of.
09:47
Let me just put on some makeup. Ow!
09:50
Movie star gorgeous. See ya.
09:54
I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
09:57
Oh, now, why would you say that?
09:59
Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
10:02
Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place.
10:04
He's probably frustrated he can't go to work...
10:07
or mow the lawn or clean the gutters.
10:10
Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
10:13
Hey, maybe until Dad gets better, I can clean the gutters.
10:16
That's creepy, honey. Oh, no. We gotta go home.
10:19
I just realized your father forgot to put underpants on me.
10:28
»»' [ Dramatic Choral Work ]
10:45
[ Floorboard Creaks ]
10:55
Stan? - Francine! What a nice surprise.
10:58
What are you doing? - Enjoying the view.
11:00
[Woman Screams ] - Hello, Mrs. Pace, little Susie.
11:03
Anyway, great visiting with you, Francine. I'll be in the study.
11:08
Stan, that's the closet. - Thank you.
11:15
-[ Tires Screeching ] - Sign in here.
11:19
This isn't right. I have to stop doing this.
11:31
-[ Screams ] - Guess who just packed up her last box of spring cleaning?
11:34
Ah, French maid outfit. Very arousing.
11:37
I'm overwhelmed with desire. Good day. - [Sighs ]
11:40
Francine! - Francine!
11:42
Good to see you, Mrs. S. You just missed happy hour...
11:45
but we may still have some crab cakes.
11:47
Miguel, tenemos crab cakes? - [Snaps Fingers ]
11:50
I don't want any crab cakes.
11:52
Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes. - [Sobbing ]
11:55
Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?
11:57
It's a bartender's job to provide a sympathetic ear.
12:00
Stan has completely stopped being intimate.
12:03
Well, you are kinda on the downslope.
12:06
Excuse me! - Listen, doll, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
12:09
You're scaring off my customers.
12:11
I mean, look at this place. It's a freakin' ghost town!
12:14
[ Sobbing ]
12:16
She's so desperate.
12:18
Do you think she'll let me swim in her mouth?
12:23
Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger.
12:27
But may I suggest a third breast?
12:30
I don't think— - Okay, how about two in the back?
12:33
Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
12:37
Can I just get a little Botox? - No one ever wants the super-boob.
12:43
Hey, Keith, I'm here to pick up my refill on that, uh, ointment.
12:47
Actually, Mr. Smith, you had eight refills, and you used them all.
12:51
I'm pretty sure I had two left.
12:53
No. Remember, you blew through those yesterday...
12:55
and made me call the doctor for eight more.
12:58
Right. So I'll just take my last six tubes and get out of your hair.
13:01
Sorry, Stan. I can't help you.
13:03
Give me the stuff or I'll shoot!
13:05
You traded me your gun for ointment. Remember? -[ Groans ]
13:09
[ Tires Screeching ]
13:12
Please! Just a dab'll do me.
13:15
Yes! Yes!
13:17
[ Maniacal Laughing ]
13:19
-[ Moaning ] - [ Steve ] Dad?
13:22
Ooh! - I'm doing your chores so you won't hate me anymore.
13:25
See, Daddy? I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.
13:29
Of- Of course you are. I'm the one who's bad!
13:35
Must kill the urge.
13:37
Focusing on mindless manual task.
13:40
Prurient thoughts evaporating.
13:42
I am... myself again.
13:46
Nothing more pure than Lady Liberty.
13:48
Yes, the Statue of Liberty standing proudly on America's shore...
13:52
in her clingy dress.
13:55
[ Grunts ] One last time. One last time and I'm done forever!
14:01
Makin' Dad happy Makin' Dad happy
14:04
Doin' his chores Doin' his chores
14:07
Mom and Dad's bedroom Mom and Dad— [ Screams ]
14:09
[Screaming ] - [Screaming Continues ]
14:18
Steve, slow down. That's your fourth Shirley Temple.
14:22
I'll tell you when I've had enough.
14:24
Set one up, Roger. I really need it.
14:27
Oh, uh, Steve. I didn't know you come here.
14:29
Uh, how's the arm? - Oh, the arm will heal.
14:33
But you know what won't? This.
14:35
This sounds like a family thing. I'll leave you two alone.
14:39
All this time you said you were healing, and you were just—
14:43
Ah! I don't want to relive it.
14:45
You're a hypocrite, Dad! A liar and a hypocrite!
14:48
Ouch. Rub some ointment on that, why don't ya?
14:51
I'll just watch TV.
14:54
Steve, I wish you hadn't seen what you saw.
14:56
But you gotta believe me. This isn't my fault.
14:58
Really? Then whose fault is it? - Well, I, uh-- I don't—
15:02
Keep it down. Simple Life's on, and Paris is washing the warden's car.
15:06
Taking it off here, boss.
15:11
Television!
15:13
What? - Television drove me to it!
15:15
I'm still decent. I'm just a victim of this evil-spewing smut box.
15:19
Give me a break, Dad. Television?
15:21
Well, let me ask you something. Do you think about sex all the time?
15:24
Nonstop. - And do you watch TV all the time?
15:26
Constantly.
15:29
Holy cow! You just blew my mind!
15:33
See? I knew it wasn't my fault!
15:35
Murderer! You killed my son! [ Grunting ]
15:39
I'm still alive, Dad. - Yes, but you're dead inside.
15:42
Come on. We've gotta go save America.
15:47
What's going on? - Steve fell off a ladder.
15:49
He's dead inside. We're gonna go save America.
15:52
Francine, you seem oddly unfazed.
15:54
No, no. I'm shocked and confused.
15:56
It's just that I paralyzed my face to make me look prettier.
15:59
Ach, why didn't you say you were having work done?
16:02
I would have gladly gone halvsies on a super-boob.
16:07
Senators, thank you for coming to this top-secret threat briefing.
16:10
As we all know, this country is surrounded by monstrous enemies.
16:14
But, gentlemen, I give you the true face of evil.
16:20
Smith, is this some kind of joke?
16:22
No, really. This is the face of evil, and this is the ass of evil.
16:26
Uh, your memo stated you had urgent information about a dirty bomb.
16:31
This is a dirty bomb! A dirty bomb that goes off in your pants.
16:34
And it killed me inside! - It killed the boy inside! We must take action!
16:38
Well, we're not having much luck catching the real monstrous enemies.
16:41
And a good media crusade is always a solid vote-getter.
16:45
I'll accept nothing less than total authority...
16:47
over the entire country's communication system.
16:50
We'll give you one town— Langley Falls. - Done.
16:53
-[ TV Static ] - He didn't even notice my beautiful nerve-dead face.
16:57
Well, you may want to cut yourself some slack.
17:00
He's been a little preoccupied since he, you know, found himself.
17:04
Found himself? - Ah, you're gonna make me spell it out?
17:07
Okay, look, Stan's been— - spanking the monkey.
17:09
The zookeeper said the saucy simian needed some tough love...
17:12
after breaking his tiny unicycle.
17:15
Oh, that explains the total neglect...
17:18
and the increased tissue consumption.
17:20
Kind of a downer that Steve caught him red-handed though.
17:23
What? - Hey, that's why they invented therapy.
17:26
Of course, you probably blew all that money on this... fiasco.
17:30
We interrupt this broadcast with a breaking story.
17:32
That's right, Terry. In order to purge trash from TV...
17:35
our government has given me complete control...
17:37
over all programming in Langley Falls.
17:40
Stan, can! I offer an observation? - It's a free country, Greg.
17:42
I think you might be imposing your personal hang-ups on the public...
17:45
and that's a violation of the First Amend—
17:48
Langley Falls, say good-bye to smut...
17:50
and say hello to clean TV.
17:55
Oh, God, he's taken over television.
17:58
Am I scowling? I want to be scowling.
18:00
-[ Children Whining ] - What's going on?
18:04
[Indistinct Shouting ] - Yo, where's my Wife Swap?
18:07
[ Man On Tv ] Hi there, sinners.
18:09
It's time for the Gentle Bearded Christian Sing-Along Hour.
18:12
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
18:14
Lava, acid and your crotch
18:18
These are things you must not touch ♪ Take it, Son.
18:22
Rest assured your eyes will melt
18:25
if you drift below the belt ♪
18:29
He's using Steve? This has gone too far!
18:32
Francine, your Botox is wearing off.
18:35
Und so is my Fleischhosen.
18:39
Awesome job, Dad! I really think we're winning the war on urges.
18:43
Sir, the phones are lighting up. - Fantastic!
18:46
It's mostly death threats, but I think you're doing an amazing job.
18:50
No one likes a suck-up, Terry.
18:56
I guess you wanna go out clubbin'.
18:58
Gonna be kinda tough without that fake I.D. though.
19:01
[ Laughing, Cries ]
19:04
Where is it? Huh? Where is it? I Know it's in here somewhere!
19:07
Ah! Get your greasy paws out of my "orificee-cees."
19:10
Got it! What the— - My pancreas! Give it back!
19:13
I'll trade you for my i.d. - Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.
19:17
Ah! It bit me! - [ Growling, Twittering ]
19:21
Great! Now I gotta spend all night putting peanut butter in pancreas traps.
19:27
Francine! - Steve, you're comin' home with me right now!
19:31
He can't. He's my partner in the crusade to cleanse the airwaves.
19:34
We're keeping people pure! - Now you'll have to excuse us.
19:37
It's the premiere of Celibate Sock Puppet Theater.
19:41
Picture in four, three, two—
19:44
Hello, everyone. I'm Footsie, the celibate sock puppet...
19:48
and I'm content to eat taffy, collect stamps...
19:51
and look at my aquarium all day long.
19:53
Stan, enough! I Know what you've been doing.
19:55
Roger told me everything. - [ Gasps ]
19:58
Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago...
20:00
you got some lousy advice about sex that screwed you up...
20:03
but I cannot let you do the same thing to our son.
20:06
I'm not screwing him up. - Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.
20:09
No, it's not. Steve, urges are natural...
20:12
and it's healthy to explore them.
20:14
Francine, no! - Because if you don't explore them, you'll repress them.
20:17
Then one day when you do discover them...
20:20
You'll reject your wife, hurt your son and try to take down TV!
20:23
Quick! Back to the aquarium!
20:25
Stan, talk to your son.
20:29
Dad? - I'm sorry, Steve.
20:31
I was only trying to protect you, but your mom is right.
20:34
You deserve the truth, so here it is, all of it.
20:37
When a man and a woman are in love, or very drunk, they—
20:41
Or the man can balance on his elbows and push off with his feet...
20:44
which is why you should always have a towel handy to—
20:47
Now, moving on to toys.
20:49
Stan, that's enough for one day. Right, Steve?
20:52
[ Mumbling ]
20:54
I'm proud of you, honey. You set your son straight.
20:57
Couldn't have done it without you, Francine.
20:59
[ Moaning, Kissing ]
21:04
Now, this is trash TV.
21:07
[ Pancreas Twittering ] - [ Trap Snaps ]
21:09
[ Pancreas Crying ] -[ Laughing ]
21:12
Got you, you sneaky little bastard! - [Screams ]
21:46
Have a great night.
