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I only know two things: perpetual virginity and ribs.
S05E08 Chimdale
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:34
Hey, Steve. Is that Irish Spring? Smells great.
00:37
Super-foresty. - Thanks.
00:40
Yeah. I've been using it so long, I don't even notice it anymore.
00:42
[ Speaking Japanese ]
00:48
[ Sighs ]
00:51
Ew. Look at Steve Smith. - Is it supposed to be curved like that?
00:56
Hey, Steve. Get that thing straightened out.
00:59
[ All Gasp ]
01:01
[ Panting ] Well, what are they talking about?
01:05
It's not curved, is it, fellas? - All right. First, I'm not looking down.
01:08
And second, they're talking about your spine.
01:11
You've got scoliosis. - What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?
01:15
I tried. I keep dropping hints.
01:18
I even started calling you Stevey-osis.
01:20
Not to my face. - No. Behind your back.
01:23
Behind your creepy, deformed back.
01:29
Yep. There it is. Pretty as a picture. Scoliosis.
01:32
What do we do? Amputate? - Actually, all he needs is a back support.
01:36
Oh, that doesn't sound so bad.
01:38
Is it like one of those belts weight lifters wear at the Olympics...
01:41
so they don't blow out their rectums?
01:43
Not exactly. - [ Gasps ]
01:44
Pretty great, huh? I call her the Chick Magnet.
01:47
ironically, of course. [ Laughs ] No— No girl wants any of that.
01:55
All right. We're all packed. You ready to go, Francine?
01:58
How can I spend a week at a spa...
02:00
when I've just learned that my son has a horrible deformity?
02:04
Mom, I don't think it's a horrible deformity.
02:06
Oh. So sweet. Trying to make me feel better.
02:10
Mom, we have to go. How often does Roger win free passes to a first-class spa?
02:14
Oh, once isn't enough? - No, Roger, I meant it as a good thing.
02:17
Well, that's not how it sounded.
02:19
Y-You have a way about you, Hayley, that just— [ Groans ] turns me off.
02:23
Mom, it's fine. Just go. - Well, okay.
02:27
I mean, it's not like it's my fault.
02:29
Your father was the one who threw footballs at my stomach...
02:31
when I was pregnant so you'd be good at sports.
02:34
Instead it just made you a cripple.
02:36
Bye! - [ Roger] Don't eat my yogurt!
02:40
Dad, there's no way I'm wearing—
02:42
And look. We can hang your allergy pills here, your asthma inhaler there and—
02:46
Wait. How are you gonna go to the bathroom?
02:48
I know. I'll just insert a catheter.
02:53
Rise and shi—
02:55
Steve, what are you doing? - I wanted a glass of water.
02:58
I've been down here since midnight.
03:00
There we go. Now let's get you ready for school.
03:03
No way. It's social suicide. I'm not going.
03:06
Steve, sit down.
03:10
-[Grunting ] - [Sighs ]
03:14
Son, in life, it's not what's on the outside that matters.
03:17
It's what's on the inside. No one cares how you look. - Come on, Dad.
03:21
I'm serious. In fact, you should be proud of your deformities.
03:24
Just look at little Helen Keller. Deaf, dumb and blind...
03:27
and she wrote that whole diary in her attic during World War Ii.
03:30
She doesn't sound so dumb to me.
03:41
Different!
03:43
[All Laughing ] - [ Boy] Freak!
03:48
Laughing Continues ] - Snot!
03:51
I'm finally part of the group. Don't ruin this for me.
03:55
[ Groans ]
03:58
Oh, I am so looking forward to this week.
04:02
Roger, why is your bag so light?
04:04
Because you're not in it yet. - You want me to get in your suitcase?
04:07
Yeah. That's how we're gonna sneak you by the front desk.
04:09
The radio station only gave me two passes.
04:11
Roger! - Are you kidding me?
04:13
Then why did you invite both of us? - Gee, I don't know, Hayley.
04:15
You think it might have something to do with me being drunk all the time?
04:19
I'm an alcoholic. I have a problem. I'm just not ready to deal with it yet.
04:22
But I will. I promise.
04:24
No more empty promises. No, sir. Not from this alcoholic.
04:27
Now hop in the suitcase and first round's on me. - [Sighs ]
04:32
Are these balloons full of heroin?
04:35
Ow! - Those are not for you!
04:39
Hi. Mr. Mustachios. - And Mrs. Mustachios.
04:42
Just the two of us.
04:44
Right! Our two radio contest winners.
04:47
Who's the big Nickelback fan? - Guilty!
04:50
Well, you're lucky. We normally charge 1,800 bucks a head.
04:53
And what if I gave you $1,800 and five cents?
04:57
Why, I'd give you a nickel back!
05:00
You knew where I was headed! - I did!
05:03
Oh! [ Laughing ] -[ Laughing ]
05:07
I told you we'd be fine.
05:13
Stupid, mean kids with their beautiful, straight spines.
05:17
Oh. Dad's home.
05:19
He can't be mad at me for leaving school early.
05:22
H-He'll understand when he sees what I've endured.
05:24
[ Whirring ] - Dad, I know it's only what's on the inside that matters...
05:28
but I'm just not as strong as— [ Gasps ]
05:30
[ Gasps ]
05:34
You're bald? - Um, um—
05:36
There— There's a kid on the football team with cancer...
05:38
so the whole defensive line shaved our heads in solidarity.
05:41
It actually works out great during two-a-days. Keeps your head cool.
05:44
What? - Yeah. That was just nonsense. I'm bald.
05:46
I can't believe it! How long have you been hiding this?
05:49
Well, it all started in high school.
05:54
[ Groans ]
05:56
It all started in high school.
05:58
[ Laughing ]
06:00
I had horrific acne and was ridiculed mercilessly for it.
06:04
I tried everything to get rid of it, but nothing seemed to work.
06:09
When it came time for college, I saw an opportunity...
06:12
to reinvent myself and give myself a second chance for a happy life.
06:16
So I decided to be the guinea pig for a new acne drug.
06:19
It worked perfectly.
06:25
My first day of college was the best day of my life.
06:28
My second day was the worst.
06:31
[Steve] The acne medicine caused your hair to fall out.
06:34
Well, yes. How did you know?
06:37
Well, you're telling a story about how you went bald.
06:40
It would have been nice if you let me finish.
06:42
Go ahead. - I will.
06:44
Apparently, a side effect of the acne treatment was total loss of—
06:47
You know what? Forget it. Story's over.
06:49
Dad, I-I don't understand. Why do you wear a wig?
06:52
Because the hair gave me confidence.
06:55
And I was able to parlay that confidence...
06:57
into meeting your mother, starting a family and getting a job at the CIA.
07:00
Wait. Mom doesn't even know? - Of course not. No one does.
07:03
Especially not your mother. She'd lose all interest in me.
07:06
She loves my hair, Steve. She tells me every time we're b-b-bangin'.
07:10
Oh, gross! Dad, you said the only thing that matters is what's on the inside.
07:15
Oh, grow up. The outside's the only thing that matters.
07:17
Nobody cares what's on the inside. If they did, I would have married...
07:20
that smart fat girl I used to have all those deep conversations with.
07:24
You're such a hypocrite.
07:30
Roger, these treatments look amazing.
07:32
But I'm really nervous. What if they catch us?
07:35
They won't catch us. Look. We have two wristbands.
07:37
So, two of us can be at the spa, while the third one stays up here...
07:41
trying on Hayley's clothes and laughing at himself in the mirror.
07:43
I guess we could take turns.
07:45
Of course. It'll be easy. Now get over here and help me finish this.
07:48
Don't Portuguese out on me.
07:50
-I'm starting a new ethnic slur. Did it take? - [ Knocks ]
07:53
[Francine ] Shh! Be quiet! Quiet, quiet. - [Roger Whispering ]
07:57
Yes? - Turlington, spa detective.
08:01
i'm Mrs. Mustachios.
08:03
That's quite a lot of food for just the two of you.
08:07
Hmm. It's still warm.
08:10
So, you're married.
08:12
We sure are! - Yes! - That's sweet. Kiss.
08:15
-[ Together ] Huh? -I'm told it's not uncommon for married persons to kiss.
08:19
So, kiss.
08:30
[ Whispers ] It's okay. We'll leave our underwear on.
08:32
[ Grunts ] Honey, not in front of the detective.
08:36
All right.
08:38
Everything checks out here.
08:40
For now.
08:43
That was so close. I think he's onto us.
08:46
Get in your suitcase, and don't come out till you hear me say...
08:48
"I'm done. Go clean up. You disgust me."
08:53
Stupid back brace. -[ Clanging ]
08:55
Hey, buddy. - What do you want?
08:58
Look. I know you're a little miffed with your old man...
09:00
but I got something that's gonna make everything all right— stickers!
09:04
Look what we got here. Dora the Explorer. A puffy unicorn.
09:08
And hey. Looks like you're a Chiquita banana.
09:11
Dad, stop. - I also got you a rearview mirror.
09:15
Hello. Trying to pass on the left.
09:17
I know it's safe, because I see that you see me. - Knock if off already.
09:20
Whoa! Warning. Driver has P.M.S.
09:24
Dad, just leave me alone.
09:26
Steve, come on. - You know...
09:28
I might have left school early yesterday...
09:30
but I did learn something:
09:32
where I got my weak backbone from.
09:36
Caution. Objects in mirror may be sadder than they appear.
09:44
Steve? - Forget it, Dad. I'm not going to school.
09:46
That's fine. I [just thought you might want to...
09:48
say good-bye to your old man before he goes to work.
09:52
You're going to work, bald?
09:55
I'd rather be bald than be a hypocrite in the eyes of my son.
09:58
Really? You'd do this for me?
10:01
Hey. We're gonna go out there and face the world as we are.
10:04
You know, I think people might just surprise us.
10:08
[ Sobbing ]
10:10
It was so awful! They called me everything.
10:12
Chrome dome, baldy, cue ball, "Leukemia" Skywalker.
10:17
There, there. It's okay. - It was relentless.
10:20
Turns out a lot of high-level neoconservative Republicans...
10:23
in the intelligence community can be very mean!
10:26
Someone drew three dots on your head?
10:28
Those are the finger holes in my bowling ball.
10:31
[ Sniffs ] The secretary of energy did that. So how was your day?
10:35
Well, this sophomore girl got killed in a drunk driving accident...
10:38
and we spent the afternoon sharing our thoughts about her.
10:41
Took the focus right off my brace, so, yeah, it was a pretty good day.
10:44
Well, you're lucky. Work was awful.
10:47
But it doesn't even matter, 'cause I'm not going back. I'm never going back!
10:50
Dad, the worst part's over.
10:52
There's nothing they can do to you that hasn't already been done.
10:55
I guess. - Look, Dad. I trusted you.
10:58
Now it's time for you to trust me.
11:00
For supper, will you make me Mickey Mouse pancakes?
11:02
I will make you Mickey Mouse pancakes.
11:07
Wow. The devil invented stress, but God struck back with the sandalwood foot scrub.
11:13
What— What are you doing?
11:15
We're leaving. We're sick of having to share just one wristband.
11:18
Yeah. All this sneaking around is not relaxing at all.
11:21
Okay. Okay. Go ahead. Walk right through the lobby.
11:24
But what if that detective sees you with someone other than me?
11:27
It'll cost you 1,800 bucks. Oh, look. They brought my daily turkey.
11:31
He's right. How are we gonna get past Turlington?
11:35
Mmm. Delicious.
11:37
[Wheels Squeaking ] - Sorry you're leaving so soon.
11:41
Let me help you with your bag. - No.
11:44
I-I don't need your help. I mean, I decided to stay.
11:47
Thanks just the same.
11:49
Turlington, six more cans of pistachios have gone missing.
11:53
Too many people have a key to the pistachio closet.
11:55
Mm-hmm. That's what you said four weeks ago.
11:58
I can't help but think your father would have had this case solved by now.
12:02
Sorry, Mr. Chimdale.
12:07
Hey, Lorraine. Do you know what this is?
12:09
Is that a bird balloon? - It's an eagle, Lorraine. A bald eagle.
12:13
Proud and majestic, like my father...
12:16
who I think could use a little cheering up today.
12:18
[ Elevator Bell Dings ]
12:20
[ Wind Blowing ]
12:22
[ Gasps ]
12:24
Okay. This flight suit can withstand 200 miles of wind-force.
12:28
He's wearing his hair. He lied to me.
12:35
I will now attempt a simple coordination test with these blocks. I—
12:40
[ Gulps ]
12:42
I will now attempt to poop out these blocks.
12:47
[ Rings ]
12:48
Hello? -[ Steve ] You lied to me!
12:51
Steve? - I saw you in the wind tunnel.
12:54
This whole week I've been getting my ass kicked...
12:56
because you said we were in this together.
12:58
Son. Son. Now-Now take it easy.
13:00
I will not take it easy! And you know who else won't take it easy?
13:03
Mom-— when I tell her you're bald!
13:05
You wouldn't dare. - I'm on my way to Chimdale right now.
13:09
[ Chuckles ] You poor, naive, crooked-backed s.o.b.
13:14
Who's your mother gonna believe? Her faithful husband or the son she didn't want?
13:17
She— She didn't want me?
13:19
No, she did. But you believed me just now...
13:21
and when I tell your mother you're lying, she'll believe me too.
13:24
I can be very convincing.
13:27
"Oh, Steve! The secretary of energy drew a bowling ball on my head. Oh, no! Boo-hoo!"
13:32
You're a monster! - And you're in over your head.
13:35
I don't think so, Dad, 'cause i've got something you don't.
13:39
Your hair. - [ Gasps ]
13:42
You know, Steve, I don't say it often enough, but...
13:46
I love you. - And the Oscar goes to someone else!
13:50
Damn it, Steve! When I find you, I'll kill you!
13:58
[ Whimpers ]
14:05
[ Grumbles ]
14:10
Roger, where do you keep your wigs? - Why should I tell you?
14:13
Because I-- I need to get them appraised, for insurance purposes.
14:16
Oh, finally. Thank you. Some of them are on tour with Angela Lansbury...
14:20
and the rest are down in my wig cellar.
14:23
Do you have any men's wigs?
14:26
Well, I got a David Spade/Ellen DeGeneres. I don't know if it's clean.
14:32
Hey, look. It's Owen Wilson.
14:35
Oh, my neck is killing me.
14:38
Being trapped in this room is stressing me out.
14:41
Look, Frannie. I know you're hurting.
14:43
I just want you to know I'm here for you and— [ Shouts ]
14:46
Oh, my God. I think you fixed it.
14:51
-[ Groans ] -Mom?
14:54
I don't understand. It should have worked. I learned that move...
14:56
from a chiropractor, in his van, in the alley behind the 7-Eleven.
15:00
Oh, boy. I think I raped a guy.
15:02
Here you go. This mud bath will make you feel better.
15:04
I should get back before somebody comes and sees we only have two spa wristbands.
15:08
Whistling f ] - Oh, crap!
15:10
Well, well. Don't we look cozy.
15:13
Uh-huh. Yeah. - Quite cozy.
15:15
Think I'll join you.
15:17
Oh. Forgot my locker key.
15:19
[ Gasps ] - Oh. Found it.
15:23
It's bungeed to my wrist.
15:25
Oh. Forgot my water bottle.
15:29
[ Gasps ] - Roger, she's suffocating.
15:32
You want to pay the 1,800 bucks if Turlington finds her?
15:35
Big breath, sweetie. - But—
15:41
[ Sighs ] There we go.
15:43
I guess I misjudged you folks.
15:45
I thought you were trying to hide something.
15:48
Us? Oh, that's so silly.
15:51
[ Grunting Softly ] - Ow! She bit me!
15:54
What? - [ Gasps ]
15:56
You were gonna let me die for $1,800?
15:59
No. - Yes.
16:01
No. - There's three of you.
16:04
Fine. You got us. We're busted.
16:06
Well, we might be able to work something out, if you're willing to do something for me.
16:11
You girls head up to the room. I don't want you to have to see this.
16:14
That won't be necessary. - Oh.
16:16
Well, then, what? - I need you to help me catch this pistachio thief.
16:21
I've been over this case every which way, and nothing makes sense.
16:25
I've even rounded up all the keys to the closet...
16:27
so now there's only two people that have one— me and...
16:31
Mr. Chimdale? - [Clapping ]
16:34
Well done, Ron. I knew I had to devise the most difficult case in spa history...
16:39
to make you into the greatest spa detective since your father.
16:43
And now you are.
16:46
[ Sobbing ]
16:53
Daddy. Did you hear that, Daddy?
16:56
[ Sobbing ]
16:59
-I-- I just miss him so much. - [ Chimdale ] we all do, son.
17:06
We all do.
17:08
This is crazy. - I know.
17:11
Pistachios rhymes with Mustachios.
17:14
Oh, honey. You tire me.
17:19
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - Hello?
17:21
[ Steve ] I'm almost to Mom, sucka. I can already smell the Chimdale salt flats.
17:26
How are you getting to Chimdale? - That's for me to know and you to find out.
17:30
Steve, please, I'm begging you. -[ Dial Tone ]
17:33
-[ Grunts ] - [ Beeps ]
17:40
Behold, Mother! Your husband is a giant—
17:43
Wait a minute. This isn't Chimdale. - Steve!
17:45
Oh, brownies!
17:53
I'll say hello to Chimdale for ya.
17:57
[ Whimpers ]
17:58
Damn it. -[ Tires Screech ]
18:00
Official C.I.A. business. - [ Gasps ]
18:03
[ Engine Starts ]
18:14
Give me back my hair, Steve! - Not a chance!
18:18
[ Grumbles ] Ooh!
18:23
You just missed the exit! Smooth move, bald wax!
18:30
[ Shouts ]
18:34
[ Truck Door Opens, Closes ]
18:37
Oh, yes. Hello, good sir.
18:39
Uh, would you mind dropping me off at the Chimdale Spa?
18:42
All right. But I'm getting some ribs first.
18:45
What are you doing? I don't have time for ribs.
18:47
You don't have time for the best barbecue ribs in the state?
18:51
Whoa, whoa. Are we talking 'cue right now?
18:54
We talking 'cue? 'Cause I got news for you.
18:56
I only know two things: perpetual virginity and ribs.
18:59
And the best ribs in the state are at Way Crazy's in Langley Falls.
19:02
Please! My mother's a baptist minister, and she wouldn't scrub her ass with Way Crazy's.
19:09
Your mama sounds like a messed-up bitch.
19:13
Mmm. Well, you were right about those ribs, Justin...
19:16
but I'm pretty sure the Jews didn't know about 9/11.
19:27
Got it! You almost had your old man, Steve...
19:31
but it's time for you to go home.
19:33
Fine. I'll go home. But just know this:
19:37
You may have kept your hair, but you lost your son.
19:41
Damn, Steve.
19:43
Son, wait. You're right.
19:46
Nothing's worth losing you.
19:48
Not even... my hair.
19:51
What are you doing? - Showing your mother the real me.
20:00
[ Inhales Deeply ]
20:04
You were supposed to stop me. The gesture should have been enough.
20:08
Come on. Give me a break. You only have to wear that brace for six weeks.
20:11
This is permanent. What do you want from me?
20:13
Dad, all I want is for you to be the man that you're asking me to be.
20:19
Damn, Steve.
20:23
Stan. Where's your hair?
20:26
I don't have any. I am bald.
20:29
No. I know. I mean, where's your wig?
20:31
What? - Your wig. You're not wearing it. Where is it?
20:35
You mean, you knew?
20:37
Yeah. We all knew. -I didn't know.
20:39
Our general thinking was that you might overreact.
20:41
I-I can't believe you knew.
20:43
I wasted all that time being ashamed for nothing?
20:47
Huh. Here, Roger. I guess you can add this to your collection.
20:51
Oh. Thank you.
20:54
Um, no.
20:56
So now I'm gonna be bald forever.
20:58
And I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.
21:01
No, not really. - What?
21:03
It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.
21:05
Yeah, Stan. I'm bald, and I made out with your wife.
21:07
What?
21:40
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
