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Carrie, V.O.
S06E01 In Country...Club
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:37
Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! - Stan, Stan, Stan, Stan the man!
00:40
You'll never believe it! - I've got something really big!
00:42
You're all gonna shit. - One at a time.
00:44
Stan, the new tv Guide came and you'll never guess what.
00:47
Barbra does Céline. Barbra does Céline! - Huh?
00:50
Barbra Streisand will be singing the songs of Céline Dion...
00:54
in a one-night-only, live pay-per-view event!
00:56
I don't think Barbra has the range to sing Céline songs.
00:59
Shut your mouth, you stupid bitch.
01:00
So listen, I'm gonna need all your support...
01:02
to make sure everything goes smoothly for me.
01:05
This could be the best night of my life and I don't want to have any regrets...
01:08
like when I had the chance to ecstasy at the 2003 Tony Awards and didn't.
01:12
I should have. But I was sitting next to Alan Cumming and I got scared.
01:15
Whatever. Hayley, you're up.
01:17
So I think I finally figured out why you never want to talk to me—
01:20
Next. Somebody go next.
01:21
You know how I've been working really hard with my a cappella group...
01:24
Here Comes Treble? - Hmm.
01:26
My music teacher selected me...
01:28
to sing the national anthem at the Langley Falls Veterans Day celebration!
01:32
That's fantastic!
01:33
My boy singing the greatest song ever written...
01:36
to the greatest men ever made—
01:38
American soldiers.
01:40
Steve, serenade me. - [ Clears Throat ]
01:43
[ Soulful ] Oh
01:45
Say can you ♪
01:47
See—
01:51
Steven! What the hell? Did you just watch the Wiz or something?
01:54
I'm just putting some personal flavor on it.
01:56
Just sing it like a normal person!
01:58
f Oh, say— - Okay, got it. Still sucks.
02:01
I thought it was great.
02:02
Have you been standing there the whole time? - Mm-hmm.
02:06
That's weird. I had no idea you were there.
02:12
Anyway, Steve, it's fine. But not nearly good enough for the ears of veterans.
02:16
Tell you what. I'll take the next couple days off work and we'll get that song just right.
02:20
Thanks, Dad. I don't want to mess this up.
02:22
No, you really don't.
02:24
Now go upstairs and line your throat with Vaseline.
02:26
Makes your voice come out smoother. It's an old Elton John trick.
02:30
[ Whistling Tune ]
02:32
[I Continues ]
02:34
[ Whistling Tune ]
02:38
[ Whistling Tune Together ]
02:43
[ Whistling Tune ]
02:46
Annoying, both of you!
02:47
I love your new pet.
02:49
It's not a pet, silly. It's my meal for the big night.
02:51
[ Gasps ] Roger! You can't kill this sweet bird.
02:54
It's an ortolan, Francine, the ultimate French delicacy.
02:58
It's so sinfully decadent that you eat it under a napkin to hide your sin from God.
03:03
And I only trust you to cook it.
03:05
[ Gasps ] I'm honored. - Here's the recipe.
03:09
You actually drown it in amaretto, then save its life using bird C.P.R....
03:12
then refill the pot with crème de menthe and drown it again.
03:15
There is something so sweet about your hair today. I love it.
03:18
Thank you.
03:20
By the dawn's early light
03:24
Stop! Take a break. I got to shake my head in disappointment for five minutes.
03:30
So, Stan, I tried to order Barbra Does Céline on pay-per-view, but it was locked.
03:34
I need the code. - How much is it?
03:36
It's priceless. But to order it, it's four-ninety-nine.
03:38
Well, I guess we can add five more bucks to your tab.
03:41
Five dollars? For Barbra Does Céline?
03:43
No Oh, no. Ridiculous.
03:46
No, $499.
03:49
streisand comes expensive or she doesn't come at all.
03:51
Forget it! I wouldn't pay that much to see Barbra do Céline!
03:55
Or would I?
03:56
Maybe if I was in the room with them, peeking from behind the curtain...
03:59
and they didn't know I was there.
04:01
How would it appear on my credit card bill?
04:03
No, no, Stan, focus. Here's the deal.
04:05
You and I both know I'm gonna get that pay-per-view code one way or another.
04:10
So you might as well just give it to me now and avoid happy hour at Shenanigans.
04:14
No! - Fine. Let it begin.
04:17
Crab walk!
04:19
Should have played ball.
04:22
Rockets' red glare—
04:25
No! - I've been in the shower all night.
04:28
Yeah, I don't get it. I thought people were supposed to sing better in the shower.
04:31
I don't know. Maybe the problem isn't you.
04:33
Maybe— Maybe I'm not a great vocal coach.
04:37
God, could that be? - No, Dad, it's me. I just need to sing harder.
04:41
No. It's more than that. There's something missing.
04:44
Something empty and soulless about your performance.
04:47
Hmm. - That's it.
04:49
See, Steve, the national anthem is about war.
04:52
And you'll never be able to sing it until you've been to war.
04:56
Can you expand on that idea?
04:57
Certainly. Take the song "Love in an Elevator."
05:00
The reason it's so good...
05:02
is because Steven Tyler actually lived in an elevator the summer he wrote it.
05:04
But the song's called "Love in an Elevator," not "Live in an Elevator."
05:07
Steve, he's a rock star living in a kick-ass elevator.
05:10
You don't think he's getting laid? Oh, and it's summertime.
05:16
some of my N.R.A. buddies rent this golf course once a month.
05:19
Since you can't go to a real war, a reenactment is the next best thing.
05:22
I've always wanted to go to a Civil War reenactment.
05:25
It's not a Civil War reenactment.
05:27
Those things are for historians and people who hate blacks.
05:29
These guys are hard-core reenactors.
05:32
[ Explosions, Gunfire ]
05:35
Throw me a clip!
05:37
I'm gonna kill all these suckers!
05:39
[ Gunfire ] - Get down!
05:41
Aaah - Aaah! Where are we?
05:44
You in Vietnam, bitches!
05:49
[ Shouting ] - [ 'Fortunate Son' ]
05:51
They're coming! - [ Screams ]
06:06
[ Engine Running ] -,* Some folks are born made to wave the flag
06:11
Ooh, they're red White and blue
06:13
We're re-enacting the Vietnam War?
06:15
This chopper will take you to base camp!
06:18
[ Imitating Helicopter ]
06:20
Get in! [ Imitating Helicopter ]
06:22
Sergeant, over here!
06:25
[ Grunting, Screams ]
06:32
Platoon, gather round!
06:35
The Vietcong may be making their move tonight!
06:37
We need a watchman! - Steve will do it.
06:39
Dad. - We're counting on you tonight, Steve.
06:42
Here, I'll even loan you my lucky machete.
06:44
A permanent marker? - Use it like a knife.
06:47
Leave the blade in the sheath so it doesn't get dull.
06:51
Leave the cap on so it doesn't dry out.
06:57
Dad, I don't know if I can stand watch all night.
06:59
You've kept me up for the past two days practicing singing.
07:02
Steve, this is an opportunity to step up and be a hero.
07:05
Then you'll know what it takes to really sing our national anthem.
07:08
Radio me if you have any problems. - I'll do my best, Dad.
07:11
I want more than your best, Steve.
07:13
For once, I want you to do fine.
07:18
By the dawn's early light
07:23
What so proudly—
07:28
[ Screams ] -[ All Yelling ]
07:34
[ Machine Gun Fire ] - [ Gasps ]
07:40
[ Sobs ]
07:43
[ Sobbing ]
07:44
Aaah - Aaah, aaah, aaah!
07:47
Steve, what happened? Man, what a letdown! - [ Grunts ]
07:52
You'll be killed if you go into that jungle, man.
07:55
Hey, my hand on fire?
07:57
What? No.
07:59
Good. Then it's the acid.
08:01
This seemed like the perfect time to do acid.
08:04
Dead! Everyone's dead!
08:08
Their spirits are dancing all around us.
08:11
Popping and locking mostly.
08:13
Everyone calm down!
08:15
I have been in two war reenactments!
08:17
And you men will be safe if you stick with me!
08:20
[ Shouting ]
08:25
We got to get out of here, man!
08:27
Let's just go to the Snack Stop and get some grilled cheese, man.
08:30
No! We have to save my dad. I let him down.
08:33
Dad, can you hear me?
08:35
Steve it's dark and wet. There's golf carts. You have to—
08:39
[ Slap ] - [ Man Speaking Mock Asian Language ]
08:42
Sounds like he's in a holding cell in Nangangbang.
08:46
The caddy shack.
08:48
Then that's where we're headed.
08:51
[ Woman ] Excuse me!
08:53
Do you know where the Horizon Room is?
08:56
We don't know. We're from Baltimore.
08:59
Thank you.
09:01
Marty, it's this way!
09:04
The man told me it's this way!
09:07
You're going the wrong way!
09:09
[ Marty ] I heard you the first time!
09:14
[ Speaking Mock Asian Language ]
09:21
Roger, let me go!
09:25
You give me code now! Now!
09:27
Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!
09:29
Codey now! Now!
09:30
Now, now, now!
09:32
Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.
09:35
Eh, wise guy, huh?
09:37
Roger, stop! I'm never gonna give you that pay-per-view code!
09:40
We see.
09:44
This is Michael Patrick King's first draft of the Sex and the City movie.
09:48
It's 700 pages.
09:53
[ Clears Throat ]
09:54
"You guys know that young firefighter I did last night?
09:57
Well, his hose spattered all over my European mosaic floor and I slipped in it.
10:01
But it's okay, girls, because I landed square on the rabbit and found out what's up, Doc.
10:07
Carrie, V.O.
10:08
Samantha's story made me wonder...
10:10
if I slipped, would Big be there to catch me?"
10:14
[ Screaming ]
10:16
[ Steve Narrating ] It was just the three of us now. - [ [ "White Rabbit' ]
10:18
We were headed up Fanangong River towards Gobbley Goo Bay.
10:22
But to get there. we'd have to go through the 13th fairway...
10:26
freshly fertilized
10:28
We were in the poo.
10:32
[ Man ] Pinecones are grenades!
10:35
[ Screaming ]
10:37
Crap! - [ Man ] Boom!
10:39
[ Screaming ]
10:40
My legs! It blew off my damn legs!
10:44
You can make it, Buckle!
10:46
No. I's done. Take me out.
10:49
I-I can't! - Take the shot!
10:52
♪ And the ones that mother gave you! - Not the face.
10:55
Oh, my God, that hurt! Ow! Ow!
11:01
-,* Go ask Alice - Oh, no! It still hurts!
11:04
/[ Steve ] What were we doing here? Was it worth it?
11:07
Just to become better singers?
11:09
The only thing that made sense anymore was my mission.
11:11
♪ And if you go chasing rabbits - save Dad
11:15
♪ And you know youre going to fall $ - And I was alone...
11:19
-,* tell 'em a hookah f - in hell
11:22
Smoking caterpillar
11:25
[ Clicking ]
11:29
Damn it! Stan gave me a fake code!
11:32
Well, good thing I still have him tied up.
11:34
And you know I still have my funny hat and shirt.
11:38
I know the code. - You will give it to me!
11:40
I will... for the bird. I want it set free.
11:45
[ Chirping ]
11:47
You got what you want! Now give me that code!
11:49
48, 12.
11:51
[ Clicking ]
11:52
[ Beeps ] - 48, 12 Wait. He used my pants size?
11:56
Ugh, I'm disgusting!
11:59
sorry, Hayley. Roger tricked me.
12:02
He said he was gonna dress me up as Mr. Wendal from the Arrested Development song.
12:06
Give me the real bird, Roger! Where is it?
12:09
Oh, I'm singing a summer day song ♪ - ♪ [ Whistles ]
12:13
Now my little friend chirps along » - ♪ [ Whistles ]
12:15
-[ Ha, ha - ♪ [ Whistles ]
12:16
-[ Ha, ha - ♪ [ Whistles ]
12:18
-♪ Ha, ha - [ Whistles ]
12:31
Don't! Some folks are born made to wave the flag
12:35
Ooh, they're red White and blue
12:38
And when the band' plays Hail to the Chief,
12:42
Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord
12:46
e ftaintme ys
12:48
e ftaintme ys
12:50
aint no senator's son
12:55
[ Coughing ]
12:59
Your chin is right on my hip bone, Kevin.
13:06
Please, give me some rice.
13:08
I'll do anything.
13:10
I'll make you feel good.
13:14
Steve, you did it! You saved me! I'm so proud of you!
13:23
[ Imitating Helicopter ]
13:33
[ Imitating Helicopter Continues ]
13:36
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
13:38
[ Whispering ] I'll call you back.
13:42
You should have seen him. My boy the war hero.
13:45
Steve's gonna sing the crap out of that national anthem now, aren't you, Steve?
13:50
Did you have fun at the reenactment, honey?
13:54
That's right. Real war heroes don't need to talk about it.
13:57
The same way I don't talk about all the 'tang I got in college out of respect for my wife.
14:06
Now, folks, we have a very special young man here tonight who has the voice of an angel.
14:10
Let's hope it's not the Hell's Angels.
14:13
[ Laughing ] - [ Rim Shot ]
14:14
Please welcome to sing our national anthem, Steve Smith.
14:18
[ Applauding ]
14:22
[ Clears Throat ]
14:24
f Oh, say— - [ Fireworks Exploding ]
14:27
[ Gasps ]
14:29
[ Man #1 ] No! - [ Man #2 ] I got you!
14:31
No, you didnt! - Yes, I did!
14:33
You're totally dead Bob! - [It's just us! Just let me keep playing!
14:36
Vietcong! Vietcong! [ Screams ]
14:41
Vietcong! - [I Imitate Machine Gun ]
14:49
Say can you see
14:51
I-I can't see 'em. They're in the trees.
14:54
Steve, snap out of it.
14:55
Mr. Smith, can I speak to you in the hallway?
14:59
Your son appears to be suffering from P.T.S.D.— post-traumatic stress disorder.
15:03
But, Doctor, that's impossible. He was only in a reenactment.
15:06
Oh. Then it must be P.T.W.R.S.D.— post-traumatic war reenactment stress disorder.
15:12
Is that a thing? - I've never heard of it.
15:14
I'd like to keep him here for treatment. He could be a danger to himself or others.
15:18
Nonsense.
15:20
Steve! Where'd he go?
15:23
When I was out there, all I wanted to do was come home.
15:26
But now that I'm home, all I can think about is getting back there.
15:29
The golf course!
15:31
Things made more sense out there.
15:34
Here, sometimes someone claims they're a friend, but they're really just an acquaintance.
15:38
And then some friends are really enemies.
15:42
I came up with the word "frenemy."
15:47
John, how did you open the curtain?
15:51
Tell me how you opened the curtain.
15:57
[ Announcer ] Mind Quad will be right back.
16:10
Hey, there. The war reenactment was yesterday.
16:13
It's over. - For you, maybe.
16:15
Where you headed?
16:17
Just gonna get a grilled cheese at the Snack Stop.
16:19
I had a friend that wanted one once, but he's gone now.
16:23
To Tucson. On business.
16:26
Won't be back till Wednesday.
16:28
I Know a place down the road with a great grilled cheese. Come on. I'll drive you.
16:32
No, thanks.
16:35
I'm not looking for trouble.
16:37
Get off the fairway, you turd!
16:39
This is the thanks I get. A hero's welcome.
17:03
We were kids, man! Buckle couldn't find his legs!
17:07
We were gonna go cruising when we got home.
17:09
We were gonna go cruising in his Solara, man!
17:14
[ Roger ] ♪ Getting ready for the best night
17:15
The best night of my life ♪
17:17
Everything's gonna be just right ♪
17:19
Putting on a robe that's warm but light
17:21
é Squirt-squirt Best, best
17:22
Glug-glug Best, best
17:23
Get ready, my tummy is your nest
17:26
Cause I'm stepping in the best
17:28
Ahh, best
17:30
[TV Applauding ]
17:33
Thank you so much.
17:35
Shut up. - [ Applauding Stops ]
17:36
You know, Céline Dion is in the audience tonight.
17:39
[ Applauading ]
17:41
She's fabulous, but I'm better. Here we go.
17:44
You were my strength ♪
17:47
♪ When I was weak,
17:49
You were my voice when I couldnt speak
17:53
You were my—-,/
17:56
♪ [ Vocalizing ]
18:12
[ Roars ]
18:17
[ Streisand ] Thank you. - [Applauding ]
18:19
[ Fanfare ]
18:23
So, how'd the big night turn out?
18:25
It was— There's no word to describe it.
18:30
schmooblydong?
18:31
That's not it, but it's close.
18:33
Let me try and put it in terms you can understand.
18:36
Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert...
18:38
while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked port-a-john.
18:41
Wow! Huh. That actually does sound really good.
18:45
Yeah, I'd like that too.
18:51
You the boy's father?
18:52
Listen, guy. No one can get in or out of here because of that crazy kid...
18:56
and we need carts!
18:57
That boy is a remorseless reenactment machine.
19:00
I know. I made him.
19:03
And I'm the only one who can get him out.
19:05
stink Finger, this is Colonel Muff Dog. Do you copy? Over.
19:08
[ Static ] - Do you copy?
19:10
[Steve] This is Stink Finger, sir.
19:12
Theyre all dead i'm the last one.
19:15
Your mission is complete. Return to base.
19:18
I cant do that sir I'm not good enough yet
19:20
Good enough at what, soldier? - I can do better!
19:23
That's why I came here! It's the only place you were ever proud of me, sir!
19:27
It wasn't the war.
19:30
I'm going in.
19:38
Stay back!
19:39
Easy, Stink Finger. Easy.
19:41
It wasn't the war that made you this way.
19:43
What do you mean? - Aw, Steve, it was me.
19:46
I pushed you too hard, put too much pressure on you.
19:49
But I only did it because I love you and want you to succeed.
19:52
But you don't need to be pushed because you're doing great on your own.
19:58
[ Sobbing ]
20:02
I did to you what America did to Vietnam.
20:05
I tried to control you. But no longer.
20:08
I'm pulling out of you, Steve.
20:10
[ Stan ] /] I'm pulling out
20:12
i'm sorry if I hurt you. Son.
20:24
[ Fireworks Exploding ]
20:27
The celebration's still going on.
20:29
You know, you could still sing.
20:32
Am I good enough now? - You were always good enough, Steve.
20:35
I don't know where this low self-esteem is coming from.
20:37
But you need to start believing in yourself.
20:39
So go out there and sing!
20:41
And any way you do it, I'm gonna love it.
20:53
Oh, say f
20:56
Can you see
20:57
By the dawn's early light
20:59
é Girl, I'm gonna rock you in freedom town tonight
21:02
That's my... neighbor's son.
21:05
You know, you never felt so good
21:07
No, you never felt so right
21:09
Ooh, rockets bursting in the air
21:16
[ Announcer ] We now return to Mind Quad!
21:19
Where is he?
21:20
I don't know. What's going on?
21:22
John Q. Mind was the best soldier in America.
21:25
Until his arms and legs got blown off?
21:27
Not blown off, blown in...
21:30
to his mind. - [ Gasps ]
21:32
I hope that mind of yours runs as fast as your legs, now that they're in it.
21:36
Because I'm coming for you, John.
21:42
I... am... coming for you.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
