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Hello, Schmuely.
S06E02 Moon Over Isla Island
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
Steve, it's a beautiful day.
00:37
Why don't you invite your friends over for a dip in the pool after school?
00:40
Great idea, Mom.
00:41
Hello. Syfy Channel?
00:43
Could you guys reschedule...
00:44
your Battlestar Gallactica marathon this afternoon?
00:47
Of course you can't. "Dip in the pool."
00:49
Girl, you must be crazy. - Steve, listen to your mom.
00:52
I built that pool so other kids would want to hang out with you.
00:55
See, friendship is only worthwhile...
00:57
if you get something from the other person.
00:59
That thing could be anything— food, sex, even consensual sex.
01:02
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
01:04
[ Beeps ] - Hello?
01:05
Stan, you fat-jawed mook.
01:07
You said you'd meet me to get spray tans...
01:09
and here I am getting the Mystic spritz all alone.
01:12
And you're the one who really needs it...
01:13
you Gwyneth Paltrow-skinned son of a bitch.
01:15
Was that today? Geez. I plumb forgot. I am so sorry.
01:19
But while I have you, could you do me a favor...
01:21
and go next door to the post office...
01:23
and get some of the new commemorative Nancy Reagan stamps?
01:25
[ Sighs ] The Chanel inaugural gown set...
01:27
or the "Just say no" Adolfo suit set?
01:29
Now what do you think? - Adolfo?
01:31
Yeah, Adolfo.
01:33
That's messed up, Dad. Roger really wants to hang out with you...
01:36
and all you do is use him to run your little errands.
01:39
Hey, Roger uses me every day.
01:41
Living here for free, eating my food.
01:43
And you're one to talk, the way you sponge off me.
01:45
I'm your daughter. - Who-
01:47
My daughter who—
01:49
Are you asking me a question?
01:51
I'm leading you.
01:53
I'm leading you to finish my sentence.
01:56
I-I don't know what you—
01:57
I'm gonna go.
02:04
"And my favorite part of my trip to China was the panda bears.
02:08
The end."
02:13
O.M.G. You are the best.
02:15
Agent Smith, how is that small island nation you cover?
02:20
Isla Island.
02:22
As you know, the dictator, General Juanito Pequeño, arrives in the U.S. tomorrow.
02:26
Has he agreed to sign the treaty...
02:28
giving us access to his island's massive oil reserves?
02:31
Not yet, but I'm hoping to persuade him tomorrow.
02:34
We're having an unofficial meeting at an undisclosed location.
02:37
You guys hitting the Fashion Center?
02:38
Yes. We ran the Sex and the City quiz on his MySpace page...
02:41
and he is definitely a Carrie.
02:43
He is a shopper, sir. - What's your strategy to win him over?
02:47
It's been proven that men with mustaches...
02:49
are more persuasive. - That's preposterous.
02:52
No, it's not. - If you say so.
02:54
Just make sure this treaty-signing happens, Smith.
02:57
Not only is there a promotion in it for you, but there's also this.
03:02
[ Gasps ] - That's right, Smith.
03:03
You'll enter the exclusive fraternity...
03:05
of C.I.A. agents with their own helicopters.
03:08
What are you guys thinking for lunch?
03:11
This is Doug in chopper 2.
03:12
I'm thinking paninis. - Roger that.
03:15
I want that chopper, sir.
03:17
When da Vinci first conceived of it, he called it an "aerial screw."
03:22
Seems a bit lewd.
03:23
Well, da Vinci was a well known sexual deviant.
03:26
You know that sketch of the naked man in the wheel?
03:29
Blueprints for a rape machine.
03:33
Okay, Barry, you're Ursula the Sea Witch.
03:35
Toshi, you're King Trident. I'm Ariel.
03:38
And Snot, in a dual role, plays both Sebastian and Flounder.
03:42
All right. Places, everyone.
03:47
[ Humming ]
03:55
Oh, my God! Snot's drowning.
03:57
Mom, no!
04:01
Mom. We were playing a game.
04:05
And I won.
04:10
Finally. Wait. What is that you're wearing?
04:12
Not now, Roger. I'm late for a meeting at the mall.
04:14
But you promised we'd go hiking.
04:20
Inconvenient.
04:23
Hey, Roger, is your car out of the shop yet? - Yeah. Why?
04:27
Well, see, I really need to get to the mall and I have a flat...
04:30
so I thought maybe you'd— - Do another favor for you...
04:33
'cause you say we're gonna hang out and be friends, but then you just blow me off?
04:36
No, thanks. - No, no.
04:38
I just thought maybe we could go pants shopping.
04:40
[ Gasps ] You're the only person who knows what pants look good on me.
04:44
You understand the contours of my body.
04:49
I thought we were going hiking.
04:53
These balloons represent Steve's mom's boobs.
04:56
My face represents my face.
04:59
[ Sputtering ] Brumski!
05:02
[ Steve ] What is this?
05:06
Tell me you weren't just talking about getting boob off my mother.
05:10
Okay, I wasn't.
05:12
But I was.
05:14
[ Grunts ]
05:16
[ Panting ]
05:18
There's obviously only one way to settle this.
05:20
I'm gonna get accidental boob off your mother.
05:23
And something tells me you're gonna need...
05:26
a little help from Chad again.
05:27
Jeff, will you please stop calling yourself Chad?
05:30
Chad died. Okay?
05:31
And yes, I would have loved to have had help from Chad.
05:34
Everyone would. He was the best.
05:42
Hey, you're meeting me at the J.Crew in 20 minutes, right?
05:44
Twenty minutes, I promise.
05:46
[ Chattering ]
05:48
Well, I must say, Smith, you are great at picking out pants.
05:52
What do you want me to do with your Rhythm Nation outfit?
05:54
Oh, just put it in the bag.
05:56
So, General, about this treaty—
05:58
Excuse me.
05:59
So, General, about this treaty—
06:01
Are we gonna get it signed or what?
06:03
Stan Smith, I welcome a union between our two countries.
06:06
Great! We'll sign it in front of the world press on Isla Island in one week.
06:11
And then I'll come visit you in my new helicopter.
06:18
I am sorry. That is from college.
06:21
My frat had a pimps and hos mixer.
06:23
You ever had any malt liquor?
06:25
It is stronger than beer.
06:29
I'm waiting for my buddy so he can tell me if these look good.
06:35
Should be just a few more minutes.
06:40
You know, you don't— You don't need to stand there.
06:42
I'll tell them you helped me.
06:44
Thanks. Thank you.
06:46
Thanks.
06:48
Are... we gonna fool around?
06:51
You should try eating the whole hot dog in one bite.
06:53
Oh, I don't know, Stan. That sounds, uh—
06:57
Gay? Dog gobbling? Not a chance.
07:03
Come on, further. -[ Gags ]
07:05
[ Gasps ]
07:08
[ Screams ]
07:11
[ Gasps ] - [ Screams ]
07:13
[ Screams ]
07:18
General? General!
07:19
He's dead.
07:21
You talking about Chad?
07:23
I Know. He was great.
07:25
I've been meeting a lot of adults that knew him.
07:27
I think that's pretty cool.
07:35
Hey, dill weed!
07:37
Look at the stupid pants I bought...
07:38
because you weren't there to tell me they look stupid.
07:41
Look at them! - Roger, I can't deal with this now.
07:43
This is like the millionth time you've used me...
07:45
and I've had it.
07:47
I am never doing anything for you again, so—
07:49
What's this?
07:52
You rascal.
07:54
I hate to say it because I hate you...
07:56
but you really do know what looks good on me.
07:59
Yes. It fits you perfectly.
08:04
Here, put this on.
08:05
Yeah, it brings the whole thing together.
08:11
Sir, we're a go next week for the treaty-signing on Isla Island.
08:14
[ Bullock ] Well done. Smith.
08:16
When you return, we'll have your chopper waiting.
08:19
Roger, I know I've kind of taken advantage of you lately...
08:22
but to make it up to you, I'm taking us on a friends vacation.
08:26
A friends vacation? Yay!
08:28
Oh, let me just call and get out of work.
08:31
Tracy, I need you to cover my chair this week.
08:34
Well, get Susan to blow out her hair.
08:36
Well, what about— Aw, forget it. I quit.
08:39
Great. Now I have to get another imaginary job.
08:49
Oh, this is so exciting.
08:51
You know what could be fun on our friends vacation?
08:53
We adopt new personas. Here, put these back on.
08:56
Your persona is el &/ Generalissimo. Let's hear your Spanish accent.
09:00
Ay, Chihuahua.
09:02
That's from Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
09:03
That's great. That's great.
09:05
Now stay in that accent. Do not drop that persona no matter what.
09:08
And now I'm gonna pick out your persona.
09:10
Robert Redford in Electric Horseman.
09:12
I don't have that outfit with me. - Yes, you do.
09:15
I packed you everything that Robert Redford ever wore in every movie.
09:18
Why do you think you have 11 bags?
09:22
Wow. This hotel is amazing.
09:26
Only the best for my good friend.
09:28
[ Crowd Cheering, Clapping ]
09:32
Oh, look at the friendly locals.
09:36
Stan, put my broaches in the room safe.
09:42
[ Spraying ]
09:44
Get up, buddy. Let's hit the beach.
09:47
No! I-I mean, let's take the day to settle in.
09:50
Maybe watch a movie. - No. I'm going to the beach.
09:56
[ Piano. Flourish ] - [ Woman ] /,/ Sometimes I wonder where,'
10:01
Oh, come on, Stan. You really think this is gonna keep me from leaving?
10:04
[ Singing Along ] ~ Who I am
10:07
Do I fit in? ♪
10:09
A movie I've seen probably 250-—
10:11
Make-believin' is hard alone
10:16
I mean, it's such a beautiful day outside.
10:17
Out here on my own ♪
10:24
We're always proving—
10:27
[ Doorbell Rings ]
10:30
[ Gasps ] My God, Steve! What happened?
10:33
Diving for a touch pass— You know, playing sport ball.
10:36
You poor boy. Oh!
10:38
Well, Schmuely's not home.
10:40
Snot's real name is Schmuely?
10:42
That is just so good to know.
10:44
say, Mrs. Lonstein...
10:46
I don't suppose I could trouble you for a drink?
10:49
Would you mind pouring it in my mouth?
10:51
My arms, you see. - Oh, of course, honey.
10:57
[ Groans ]
10:59
Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me clean that up.
11:11
[ Birds Squawking, Chirping ]
11:14
Bad news, Roger. The beach is closed. - What?
11:17
Yeah. Apparently, it's mating season for the— the diarrhea seals.
11:20
It's— It's— It's a mess.
11:22
So let's just stay in the room and enjoy our lunch.
11:26
Ugh! This is awful.
11:28
Whoever made this chicken should have his hands cut off...
11:30
then his feet cut off, then shot and killed.
11:35
[I Pounding ] - [ Man Screaming ]
11:37
[ Gunshot ] - Oh! Uh, Generalissimo...
11:39
maybe you should ease up on the staff a little.
11:41
No. No. You're paying good money for us to stay here. It should be perfect.
11:45
I mean, look at these dirty floors.
11:47
Whoever mops them should be beaten with a hose...
11:49
then tied up with said hose and thrown off the roof.
11:56
[ Beeps ] - Sir, it's Stan.
11:58
I'm moving the treaty-signing to tomorrow. - [ Woman Screams ]
12:00
Let's make that tonight.
12:04
These balloons represent my nads.
12:06
My head represents Snot's Mom's head.
12:09
Here it comes.
12:11
Wait for it.
12:17
Hello, Schmuely.
12:18
The fuck did you just call me?
12:21
You heard me. - Look, Steve.
12:23
Getting accidental mom boob is one thing...
12:26
but getting accidental mom forehead brushed on your hangsters is going too far.
12:31
I won't stand for it!
12:32
Your mom stood for it.
12:34
Steve, I now have no choice...
12:36
but to get your mom to accidentally handle my nardle-dangers.
12:41
Get ready, pal.
12:43
Your mom's gonna touch more sack...
12:45
than a medieval grain merchant on inventory day.
12:49
[ Roger Cackling ]
12:53
You done with dinner?
12:54
Let's sign the check and get out of here. - Calm down, Stan.
12:57
I'm still talking to my new friends...
12:58
King Harold of Norway and his wife, Queen Sonja.
13:01
Now, the freeways in Dallas are horrible.
13:03
Just take a taxi from the airport. Take taxis everywhere.
13:06
And head straight for Bud's Tex-mex.
13:08
Don't bring your wife. The bathroom scene there is amazing. Huh?
13:12
Now you tell me something good.
13:15
Oh, yum! Dessert.
13:22
This... is...
13:25
wonderful
13:26
Best tiramisu I've ever had.
13:28
[ Sighs ] - [ All Sigh ]
13:32
Maybe too much rum. - [ Gunshot ]
13:34
Okay, dinner's over. Roger, here's the bill.
13:36
Just sign it to the room.
13:41
Eh, I just want to make sure...
13:42
I didn't accidentally leave a tip. - No!
13:45
What is this, Stan?
13:48
You used me, just like you always do.
13:51
Look, we can talk about it on the plane ride home.
13:54
Right now we gotta fake your assassination...
13:56
and drop the general's body in your place.
13:59
Here, put on these squibs.
14:01
I truly thought you wanted to go on a friends vacation with me.
14:05
Actually, what I really wanted was this.
14:08
An aerial screw? - Yup. Now, be a trouper.
14:11
Go out on that balcony and get shot 15 times in the chest.
14:14
[ Groans ]
14:18
[ Crowd Cheering ]
14:22
[ Beeps ] - [ Screaming ]
14:23
[ Clamoring ]
14:25
[ Screaming Continues ]
14:27
[ Groans ] - [ Woman Sobbing ]
14:30
I'm okay!
14:32
[ All ] Huh?
14:34
What the hell are you doing?
14:36
I'm staying here and running this dump, that's what.
14:39
Guards!
14:41
See that Senor Smith leaves my country immediately.
14:44
I hope your helicopter was worth it...
14:46
because it cost us our friendship.
14:50
People of Isla, first order of business...
14:52
is changing the name of this country.
14:54
It's now called Bananarama, and the national anthem is "Venus."
14:57
Pedro, hit it.
14:59
[ Disco Beat ]
15:01
Now dance!
15:13
I said dance. You're all terrible.
15:16
Except you. You're good. Everybody do what he's doing.
15:18
[ Woman ] - Goddess on the mountaintop
15:22
♪ Burning like a silver flame - How do you do that?
15:26
The summit of beauty and love
15:33
You are my helicopter, and I swear to God--
15:36
Listen to me. Listen to me.
15:38
I will never hurt you.
15:40
stan, what are you doing?
15:42
Just hugging my chopper, babe.
15:43
Breakfast was quiet without Roger this morning.
15:46
Why don't you call him and apologize?
15:49
Apologize? For what?
15:51
For giving him power over an island full of half-naked Hispanic men?
15:54
That's his dream—
15:56
and the premise of three of his screenplays.
16:00
Too bad Stan isn't here.
16:02
He's the one to talk to about pants.
16:04
If I'm gonna order a suit online, I've gotta have all my measurements.
16:08
Can you do my, um, inseam now?
16:16
[ Grunts ] - Steve?
16:17
This is a matter between gentlemen, Mother.
16:20
Please, give us the room.
16:22
As you wish.
16:24
This will not happen, Snot.
16:26
Indeed it will, Steve.
16:28
You won't know when it's coming, but it's coming.
16:34
Why aren't you getting up?
16:36
I'm waiting for my wrestling boner to go down.
16:38
It's perfectly natural.
16:40
My coach told me about them when I was having brandy at his condo.
16:49
smith, you're just in time.
16:50
We've just received some intel on Isla Island.
16:53
Seems General Pequeño's gone a bit off his nut.
16:56
[ Animals Squawking, Screeching ]
16:58
He's making the citizens paint the entire island.
17:02
You know, I thought yellow would cheer me up, but it didnt
17:05
This color you picked is hideous.
17:08
I thought gay people had' good taste. I
17:10
am not gay, senor.
17:12
You just make me do gay things.
17:14
Fair enough. Repaint it turquoise.
17:17
There's a revolution brewing...
17:19
and General Pequeño will be dead by this time tomorrow.
17:22
Dead? Sir, we can't let them kill him.
17:25
Why? We've mined all of Isla's natural resources.
17:28
Who cares what happens to them now?
17:30
But that country is our friend.
17:32
Maybe we use our friends, but we don't just abandon them.
17:35
Grow up, Smith. This is how you get the things you want.
17:38
You're such a Pollyanna. I bet you kiss prostitutes.
17:42
[ All Laughing ]
17:51
I'll help you with the groceries in a minute, Mom.
17:53
Wait. Where are you going? - Just stay in the car, and keep the doors locked.
17:56
And don't touch anything that looks like a mushy, hairy peach.
18:20
I thought your mother would be opening the door.
18:23
Well, she didn't.
18:26
So, uh...
18:28
this has gone too far, hasn't it?
18:30
I would say so. I would, uh, say so.
18:36
You know what the worst part of this is?
18:39
I can feel your heart beating.
18:50
I need to see the generalissimo.
18:56
Welcome to Bananarama, where it's party time all the time.
19:05
Are you guys mad at me?
19:07
'Cause not one of you has given me a deposit check...
19:09
for our big fun ski weekend in Tahoe.
19:12
And even if you don't ski, you can gamble. There's great shopping.
19:15
You can rent a snowmobile for, like, 200 bucks a day.
19:18
That's nothing.
19:21
Oh, hello.
19:22
Roger, your people are about to revolt against you.
19:25
If you stay here, you'll die. - Why should I believe you?
19:28
All you do is lie to me to get stuff for yourself.
19:30
That's not a friend. - I Know.
19:32
And I'm sorry.
19:34
From now on, no more using and no more lies.
19:36
Come on. Let's get you out of here...
19:38
and leave General Pequeño's body for the rebels to find.
19:41
You want me to leave this nation?
19:43
I am this nation.
19:45
[ Grunts ]
19:48
Eww. - Guards!
19:56
Roger, don't do this.
20:04
[ Clamoring ]
20:08
Guards, those men are here to kill the generalissimo.
20:10
Stop them. - The generalissimo dies tonight.
20:13
I've painted my children for the last time.
20:22
Hey, rebels! Over here. General Pequeño is getting away.
20:26
The general.
20:29
Get him!
20:31
[ Shouting ]
20:37
The general's dead!
20:39
[ Cheering ]
20:44
Okay, you were right. They were gonna kill me.
20:47
I can't believe you sacrificed your helicopter for me.
20:51
I sacrificed it for my friend.
20:55
So who's gonna be the new general?
20:57
I'm sure they'll find the best man for the job.
20:59
[ Disco]
21:05
ale' [ Beat Slows Down ]
21:48
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
