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You never really had a childhood.
S06E05 Man in the Moonbounce
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ Kids Laughing, Shouting ] - [ Steve ] Oh, it's cold!
00:36
[ Boy ] No, no, no! Don't!
00:37
[ Steve ] Watch! I'm so slippery. [ Shrieks ]
00:40
[ Boys ] Go, Barry! Go, Barry, go! - [ Sighs ]
00:43
Go, go! You got it! - Let's go!
00:44
Do it! Go! - [ Shrieking, Laughing ]
00:46
Hey! I'm trying to do our taxes.
00:49
Quit fooling around down there. That's not productive at all, what you're doing.
00:52
It's a Slip 'N Slide, Dad.
00:53
Yeah, it's pointless.
00:55
Pointless? It moves us from one side of the yard...
00:58
to the other on our bellies.
01:00
How else would we do that?
01:02
[ Door Closes ] - Ah! What a day.
01:04
Being a prison psychiatrist is way harder than I thought it would be.
01:08
And these shoes— no support at all. A hundred-percent rubber.
01:11
But the state insists I wear a shoe you can't make a weapon out of.
01:15
Go ahead, try. Can't be done.
01:17
[ Gagging ]
01:19
[ Choking ]
01:21
Wow, Frannie. Props to you.
01:24
Mmm. Oh. Oh, I definitely stepped in something.
01:28
Oh, Stan, the garage door is stuck again.
01:30
Can you call the repair people? - I did.
01:32
They were supposed to come yesterday. They never showed.
01:35
And now I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes...
01:37
and Steve's abusing the hose.
01:39
Oh. That's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
01:42
What? - You caught him playing with himself?
01:45
Damn it, woman! You always jump to that
01:47
Last time, it was when I said, "He's doing his homework."
01:49
I thought you said "bone work."
01:52
Where was I? - Steve was abusing the hose.
01:55
Yeah. Spraying it about like a child.
01:57
He's turning 14 in two days.
01:59
Why can't he act his age?
02:01
He's mature enough, Stan.
02:03
Popsicle fight! They can't discover my true identity.
02:06
It's the strawberry prince. - I cast invisibility.
02:10
Hmm? - Where'd he go?
02:13
[ Speaking Japanese ]
02:18
Whew. That was close.
02:21
Hey, Mom. Did you order the moon bounce for my birthday?
02:24
Yeah. I got the Star trek one.
02:26
Oh, no. That's not happening.
02:28
Yeah, Dad. We're doing an "outer space" party.
02:30
We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
02:33
Oh, white people in alien face?
02:36
Running around going, "Beep boop bop."
02:38
This what you do when there's no alien in the room?
02:40
How would you feel if I made fun of you?
02:42
"Oh. Uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth.
02:44
I think I'm coming down with a cold."
02:46
Hurts, don't it?
02:48
Steve, you're absolutely not having a space party. That's childish.
02:52
I'll help you think of something age-appropriate. - Dad.
02:55
When I turned 14, I took over fiduciary responsibility for my mother's 401(k).
03:00
We discussed it over Italian food.
03:02
I had my first espresso. It kept me up all night.
03:04
Fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down.
03:09
Pretty good birthday.
03:11
[ Sighs ] You know what I miss most about being human?
03:15
Mmm, mattering?
03:17
No. What I miss most is having my hair cut...
03:20
a nice relaxing trip to the barber—
03:22
the shampoo, the conditioner...
03:25
inspecting the Frauleins in the latest issue of Guten Tag, Vagina.
03:30
[ Sighs ]
03:34
[ Doorbell Rings ]
03:36
Welcome, Steve's friend.
03:38
Grab a cup of coffee. The entertainment's about to begin.
03:41
Okay, listen up.
03:43
This is Harvey Lissel. He's gonna take it from here.
03:46
What would you say to a life insurance policy...
03:49
where all your premiums were returned to you on your 72nd birthday?
03:54
Huh? What would you say to that?
03:59
And you'd be right to be excited.
04:02
As future homeowners, you'll need to properly insulate.
04:05
Go ahead, touch the wall.
04:07
It's cool to the touch even though it's hot outside.
04:10
Can we go outside? - No.
04:12
Okay, let's move on to weatherstripping.
04:14
[ Japanese ]
04:18
[ Kids Cheering, Laughing ]
04:21
Francine, what the hell is this? - You were ruining Steve's party.
04:24
So I called the moon-bounce guys.
04:26
No, no, no! Steve's childhood is over.
04:29
And you need to get used to it, just like he does.
04:31
[ Kids Laughing, Shouting ]
04:34
[ All Laughing ] - Steve, get out of there.
04:41
Steve, you're an adult...
04:43
and you will act like and be treated like an adult.
04:45
Uh! - [ Laughing ]
04:51
[ Chuckles ]
04:53
[ Laughing ] Hey! Hey!
04:56
Look how high I'm going. [ Laughing ]
05:00
This— This is— This is so much—
05:03
This is so much fun.
05:05
[ Laughing ]
05:09
[ Crying ]
05:13
Oh, God!
05:15
Oh, God.
05:16
What's wrong? Is there no cake?
05:19
Oh, God.
05:21
Oh, God!
05:31
What's wrong with Dad? - He's just tired, honey.
05:34
Yeah, being crazy is very tiring. - Roger.
05:37
What? The guy went off his bean. He's been out there for two days.
05:39
Is he even eating? - I put a sandwich out by the bouncer.
05:42
And when I went back, it was gone.
05:44
Oh, I ate that. - [ Scoffs ] Roger.
05:46
You know I have a thing where I have to eat any food I find.
05:49
Maybe if I was fed better— I don't know.
05:51
Listen, will you put on your psychiatrist costume and talk to him?
05:55
I'm kind of making a pizza. - I'll pay you $75.
05:57
A hundred. - No.
05:59
Okay.
06:00
Hey, Stan. You having fun?
06:03
I'm not coming out. - Mind if I bounce with you a little?
06:06
I guess not.
06:10
Oh, kinda— Whoa.
06:12
Okay, okay.
06:15
First, just a medical question. Where have you been going to the bathroom?
06:18
It's just that these are new socks...
06:20
and I paid extra for monogramming is all.
06:24
That's not a monogram. That's a penguin.
06:26
My name is Dr. Penguin.
06:27
Anyhoo, it's my professional opinion...
06:30
that this is a case of Pavlovian conditioning.
06:32
Are you salivating? - Get away from me!
06:34
Patient is hostile but salivating normally.
06:38
Recommend a microlobotomy performed with either green or red lasers.
06:41
Cut the crap. There's nothing wrong with me.
06:44
I've just never been in a moon bounce before.
06:46
That's no surprise.
06:48
Your father walked out on you when you were four.
06:50
You inherited all of his responsibilities.
06:53
You never really had a childhood.
06:55
I— I didn't? - No.
06:58
You're in way over your head.
06:59
As we grow, we pass certain milestones.
07:02
Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth.
07:06
That's why you can't get out of here.
07:08
Your inner child is putting his foot down.
07:10
I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
07:12
It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor...
07:14
at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.
07:16
Stan, look, if you deny your inner child...
07:20
You'll never be a well-adjusted adult.
07:24
You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid.
07:27
Wipe your nose on your sleeve. Eat Cheerios out of a Baggie.
07:30
Touch a urinal, then touch your face. - Yeah, okay.
07:32
Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony.
07:35
Get an ear infection. - All right. I understand, Roger.
07:37
Spit on a jellyfish. Get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-o.
07:40
Touch penises with a neighbor boy.
07:44
I was thinking about what you said.
07:47
[ Gasps ] - It's a doll wig.
07:49
I just thought, if it's what you miss most, why don't I give you a haircut?
07:52
It's beautiful. May I?
07:56
Oh, sweet, luxurious hair.
07:59
Maybe you could cut my hair like Ryan Phillippe's.
08:02
Hmm. I-i can't really remember how he wears his.
08:05
Oh, shoot.
08:07
Luckily, I have six pictures of him right here.
08:09
Oh. That's—
08:11
Creepy, yeah. I know.
08:16
[ Door Clanks ] - [ Sighs ]
08:21
stan? Where's your car?
08:23
I sold it and bought my elephant.
08:25
But you can't get around on the elephant.
08:27
Then you don't know the power of a child's imagination.
08:30
To the stars, Shorbu.
08:33
[ Coin Clatters ] - [ Motor Whirring ]
08:35
Stan, you still gotta finish the taxes and fix the garage door.
08:40
How long is this whole "getting in touch with your inner child" thing gonna take?
08:44
I don't Know, Francine. How long did Billy Madison last?
08:46
Forever? It— It felt like forever.
08:50
[[ Chorus. Children's Pop ] ~ Makin' up a mess of fun ♪
08:53
~' Lots of fun for everyone
08:56
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
08:59
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
09:03
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
09:06
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
09:11
-,* Four bananas—,",/ - [ Screams ]
09:13
[ Video Games Beeping, Whooshing ]
09:14
Go, Dad. You're doing it.
09:16
[ Whooshing, Beeping ]
09:18
300 points. All right.
09:20
Whoa. Ten million?
09:22
Who is A.S.S.? Wait, that spells—
09:25
Oh, my God. That spells "ass". - [ Steve ] That's me, Dad.
09:28
But your initials are S.A.S. Was that a mistake?
09:31
Nope. On purpose.
09:33
That... is... hilarious.
09:35
That's hilarious. It's a joke.
09:38
Yep. - That's hilarious.
09:42
Out of the way, twerp. - [ Grunts ]
09:45
I hate that senior.
09:48
Who is he? - Henry Calloway.
09:50
He thinks he's so cool because his rock band plays at sororities...
09:53
and he's always having so much sex.
09:55
We should egg his house. - We totally should. I've never done any egging.
09:59
Awesome. Father-son egging.
10:01
Has that ever been done? - Probably.
10:03
Well, can you sneak out tonight?
10:05
I don't have to sneak out. That's one of the good things about being a grown-up.
10:09
Holy moly! The street lights are on.
10:11
I'm supposed to be home.
10:13
[ Coin Clatters ] - [ Motor Whirring ]
10:20
[[ Woman, Pop ] I'm
10:22
comin' out I'm
10:27
e /meomin''~
10:28
aims
10:31
[ No Audible Dialogue ] -,* Comin' out
10:38
e /meomin' outs
10:40
I want the world to know,
10:42
Got to let it show
10:44
[ Exclaims ] Well?
10:46
so, what do you think?
10:50
Can I see the back?
10:53
You butchered my hair!
10:55
Which of these photos did you use?
10:57
I— Well, all. They're from different angles.
11:00
From different angles?
11:02
Oh, God. I'm going to be sick.
11:04
It'll be fine. Just— Just let it settle.
11:06
Settling is what I did when I had you cut it.
11:09
God, Klaus. I was just trying to be nice to you.
11:11
Life is not worth living!
11:14
Klaus, no! It's not worth it.
11:17
[ Choking ] - Suffer for your crimes!
11:21
[ All Chuckling, Chortling ]
11:24
Hey, you guys ready to do the eggs?
11:27
Yeah. - Totally.
11:30
They'll never find these.
11:37
Suck it.
11:39
[ Siren Blares ] - [ Kids ] Run!
11:41
Guys, you don't need to run. The police are our friends—
11:43
Ooph! [ Groaning ]
11:46
-[ Screams ] - [ Helicopter Whirring ]
11:51
You kids are too young to remember...
11:53
the toilet paper shortage of '43.
11:56
We were sending so many rolls to our boys overseas...
11:58
that our own posteriors were left unattended.
12:02
I'm talking anuses caked in a crust of human waste.
12:04
Do I make myself clear?
12:06
[ All ] Yes, Your Honor.
12:08
Since then, T.P.'ing has been a criminal act in Virginia.
12:12
However, taking your age into account...
12:14
I've decided just to give you a slap on the wrist.
12:17
[ All Exhale ]
12:18
You're getting 20 hours' community service.
12:21
You're getting 20 hours.
12:22
You're getting three months in Chimdale Prison...
12:25
and you two are getting 20 hours.
12:27
Three months?
12:29
But I was just acting like a kid.
12:30
According to this, you are 42 years old.
12:34
But Chimdale Prison?
12:36
i'll never make it there. God, I'll never make it there.
12:38
You'll make it.
12:40
We have a free bus that drives you right to the facility.
12:51
Three months in prison?
12:53
I know. I had so much more kid stuff to do.
12:56
No. I mean, what are we gonna do without you?
12:59
Don't worry, honey. I'll be out in a month with good behavior.
13:01
But our taxes are due. - I can do 'em, Mom.
13:04
I'll take care of things while you're away, Dad.
13:06
Well, look at that.
13:08
I Knew I could count on you, Steve.
13:10
sir, would you mind hugging my son?
13:12
I'm very proud of him at this moment, but—
13:14
My hands. - Not a problem.
13:16
I'm hugging so many people at this job, it's crazy.
13:23
You can do this. Just keep your head down...
13:26
and spread the rumor that your sphincter has teeth.
13:28
[ Cell Door Slams ] - [ Footsteps ]
13:34
Hey, new guy, you think you can take us?
13:37
Look, I don't want any trouble.
13:38
Oh, it's no trouble. - [ Chortling ]
13:41
[ Buzzer Buzzes ]
13:42
All right. Let him have it, Wesley.
13:47
[ Man ] Hey, are you all right?
13:48
We have the squash court reserved for an hour.
13:50
Wanna go knock it around?
13:52
[ Sighs ] Uh, yeah, yeah. That'd be nice.
13:55
Wait. Are you Wesley Snipes?
13:57
[ Chuckles ] A lot of people ask me that.
13:59
Yes, I am.
14:04
[ Laughs ] Whew! Good game.
14:06
You guys play every day? - Yep.
14:08
One of the perks of being in a minimum-security prison. - [ Knocking ]
14:12
Passion fruit iced tea? - Thanks, Rivers.
14:14
Wow. You guys have it great here.
14:16
We do. We do. The warden's an ass.
14:19
But other than that, it's like camp for adults.
14:22
So in here, a guy could act like a kid if he wanted.
14:26
Smith. Phone call.
14:30
Y'ello? - Hi, Dad.
14:33
Are you still claiming 60% business use on your car?
14:35
I sold my car and bought a flying elephant.
14:37
I Know, but this is for last year.
14:42
I'll just put 60. - Yeah, that sounds good. Okay, talk to you later.
14:45
Oh, and do you know where the schematic diagram of the dishwasher is?
14:49
I can find the warranty card but not the schematic.
14:51
A little plastic piece in the lower tray broke.
14:54
I wanted to order a new piece, but I don't have the item number.
14:56
Right. Okay.
14:58
I tried describing the piece to the lady on the Sears help line...
15:01
but it's hard, you know?
15:02
It's-It's a small gray piece, maybe three inches long...
15:05
with these little prongs that clip into the lower tray...
15:08
so you can adjust some of the uprights...
15:09
to hold, like, bowls and larger things...
15:12
or just regular-size plates if you leave the—
15:14
if you leave the poles in the down position.
15:15
You know the piece?
15:17
See? It's pretty hard to describe, so I'm looking for the schematic.
15:21
Dad dad, are you there?
15:23
[ Steve Farts ] - Oh, excuse me
15:26
[[ Chorus. Children's Pop ] ~ Makin' up a mess of fun ♪
15:29
~' Lots of fun for everyone
15:32
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
15:35
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
15:38
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
15:41
Tra, la, la la, la-la-la ♪
15:47
Four banana-,',*
15:49
All right, guys. You know I don't want to be the bad guy.
15:52
That's not why I became a warden of a prison, okay?
15:55
But a food fight? Come on.
15:58
Food belongs in your tummies.
16:00
But we didn't start it. - [ Sighs ]
16:02
I'm trying to help you out here.
16:05
And it's hard for me to even say it it sounds so negative...
16:08
but if you guys can't reel in your shenanigans...
16:10
you won't be eligible for an early release.
16:12
[ All Chortling ]
16:17
Okay, that right there— that's funny. I deserve that.
16:19
But seriously, the next parole board meets...
16:22
right after the guard-inmate kickball game tomorrow...
16:24
and I don't want anyone to blow their chances.
16:26
Now, get out of here. Go get some pizza.
16:29
I had it delivered to your cells.
16:32
Was I too hard on them, Chirpy?
16:34
[ Squawks ] I] Warden sucks. - You rascal.
16:37
[ Chuckles ] That is good fun.
16:39
I hate that warden—
16:41
sending us pizzas, covering for us when we "screw up."
16:44
I get it- you're the good guy, I'm the criminal.
16:47
Well, we are in prison. - So is he. So is he.
16:51
The worst thing is he's always pushing for our early release.
16:55
I don't want to go anywhere.
16:57
Me neither. This place is awesome.
16:59
Well, if we pull off this prank at the kickball game...
17:03
there's no way they'll let us out early.
17:06
[ Buzzing ]
17:08
When the warden comes up to kick, we put hornets in the ball.
17:12
How can you put hornets in a ball?
17:13
We paint this red.
17:15
Ooh, can I do the painting? - I don't know, Wes.
17:18
We let you paint the chair we made for my nephew.
17:21
It was pretty sloppy work.
17:24
[ Buzzer Buzzes ] - [ Cell Door Slams ]
17:26
How you holding up, Stan? - Oh, it's great in here.
17:29
What? But you'll be out soon, right?
17:32
Maybe not. Hey, why didn't Steve come?
17:34
Steve's right here. - Okay, first of all...
17:37
you were supposed to fix the garage door yesterday between 3:00 and 5:00.
17:41
You never showed.
17:42
Then I was told by... Robert—
17:46
who wouldn't give me his last name or extension—
17:48
that I would be the first appointment today.
17:50
I waited at my house until 3:15.
17:52
I almost missed my father's prison kickball game.
17:54
You need to make this right! - [ Beeps ]
17:57
Steve, you look terrible.
17:59
He's running himself ragged being the man of the house.
18:02
[ Man ] Hey, Smith. Let's play.
18:04
Get out there, Dad. Go have some fun.
18:08
The warden kicks first. You don't wanna miss this.
18:12
How do you want it, Warden?
18:13
Slow and bouncy and over the plate.
18:16
But whatever you do will be good enough, 'cause I know you're trying.
18:18
I hate you.
18:22
[ Voice Echoing ] We pull off this prank at the kickball game...
18:25
there's no way they'll let us out early.
18:27
No way theyll let us out early. - [ No Audible Dialogue ]
18:30
No way they'll let us out early.
18:34
[ Gasps ]
18:36
[ Heartbeat Echoing ]
18:46
[ Loud Thud ] - [ Groans ]
18:49
[ Hornets Buzzing ] - [ Screaming, Groaning ]
18:55
Uh, are you sure it looks okay?
19:00
Yes. It looks really good.
19:02
You've— You've got the ladybug barrette in there, and—
19:08
[ Sobbing ] It's terrible, isn't it?
19:12
Isn't it? - Yes.
19:13
[ Crying ] It's awful. It's so awful.
19:15
[ Both Sobbing, Sputtering ]
19:18
I'm so sorry.
19:19
[ Sobbing ]
19:27
And I've realized nothing I do now is gonna fix my crummy childhood.
19:31
But I don't want to wreck my son's.
19:34
So vote how you have to today.
19:36
I'm keeping my nose clean from here on out.
19:39
[ Crying ]
19:41
I just hope it's not too late.
19:42
[ Sniffling ] - Mmm.
19:44
Beautiful, Mr. Smith. I think I speak for everyone...
19:47
when I say immediate release would be the best—
19:49
[ Roger ] Not for everyone, Charlie.
19:51
[ Wheels Rolling ] - Not for everyone.
19:55
Crocodile tears, Mr. Smith. And you're not fooling me.
19:58
No, if we let you out now, it ends in one of two ways—
20:01
complete rehabilitation or you'll just get in trouble again.
20:04
And I don't like those odds. Parole denied.
20:06
I'll kill you! You're a dead man!
20:08
[ Muffled Shouting ]
20:10
See? Maniac.
20:12
This is a good bagel. Probably 'cause it's a doughnut.
20:15
What are you doing after this?
20:23
Good luck now.
20:27
This is the place. [ Deep Inhale ]
20:33
[ Bell Dings ] - There he Is.
20:35
You owe me big, Mr. Hard Time.
20:38
Who got you two more months of goofing around?
20:40
I did is who. Get inside this hug—
20:45
Oh, welcome home, honey. - It's good to have you back, Dad.
20:48
Where's my boy?
20:52
Steve? - Who's there?
20:54
It's me, Son.
20:56
Put down those papers. Look out back.
20:59
What is it?
21:01
It's a Slip 'N Slide, Son.
21:04
And I want you to play on it for as long as you want.
21:10
No! No! No!
21:11
[ Screaming ]
21:49
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
