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smith, why so glum?
S06E08 G-String Circus
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
I have an announcement to make. I'm taking a semester off.
00:38
[ Spits ]
00:40
Oh, what did you say?
00:41
I was listening to my spit-take instructional tape.
00:43
I'm taking a semester off from school.
00:45
[ Blows ]
00:46
Eh. I can't do it without the tape.
00:49
I hesitated. I'm just— I'm thinking too much.
00:51
Hayley, what are you talking about?
00:53
I'm going to devote my time to the Heifer Project.
00:55
[ Gasps ] No daughter of mine is going into fatty porn!
00:58
The Heifer Project is a charity.
01:00
It provides livestock to families in impoverished countries.
01:03
So, what? You're going over to Africa?
01:05
No. I'm gonna start my own business...
01:06
and give the Heifer Project the proceeds.
01:08
I know the perfect business for you to open up—
01:10
a dry cleaners!
01:11
There's a huge segment of the population that is tired...
01:14
of having their clothes cleaned by Koreans.
01:16
I am a part of that segment.
01:17
Actually, I already have a business idea— organic mulch.
01:20
[ Groans ] That's a terrible idea.
01:22
Hayley, listen to me.
01:23
I'm giving you good advice. Take it.
01:25
Dad, I'm 18. I don't need your advice anymore.
01:31
I'll take your advice...
01:33
if it's love advice.
01:34
[ Imitating Woman ] So my man say he been working late...
01:36
but then Trina call me and tell me she seen his ass in the club.
01:39
But then when I ask him about this nonsense, he tells me he loves me.
01:43
How do I make him tell me the truth but keep our love million-dollar strong?
01:53
smith, why so glum?
01:55
The "C" in C.I.A. doesn't stand for "crestfallen."
01:58
But what if it stood for "cat?
02:01
[ Chattering ] - Meow, meow.
02:03
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. - [ Male Cat ] Meow, meow.
02:05
[ Meowing Continues ]
02:10
[ Meowing Fades ] - Mmm. So, what's bothering you?
02:12
Hayley doesn't want my advice anymore.
02:15
sir, I have terrible news. I was just doing the end-of-the-year accounting.
02:18
We still have money left in our budget.
02:20
If we don't spend it by the end of the fiscal year, they'll cut our budget for next year!
02:24
Damn it, Robertson! Speak to me in English.
02:26
We have to spend $50,000 by midnight!
02:29
Get me everyone.
02:31
Everyone? - Everyone!
02:32
That's not really my job.
02:35
[ Gasps, Whimpering ]
02:38
You're right. It's not your job.
02:41
Inform Lorraine. Have her send a mass e-mail.
02:44
Now give me a hug.
02:46
You scared me.
02:48
[ Humming ]
02:51
We're okay
02:52
♪ [ Humming ]
02:55
[ Tires Screeching ]
02:57
[ All Chattering ]
03:01
off [ Rock ] - Gentlemen, do whatever it takes to empty our coffers.
03:04
Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
03:07
Oh, the things you can buy with a handful of bills.
03:10
It makes me excited. It gives me the chills.
03:13
There'll be filch-arounds, breeders, hambones and tweeners,
03:16
zobows and debows and blobs that go "eener."
03:19
For a one-dollar bill, you can pull down their Zippers.
03:22
I am the Snorax. I speak for the strippers!
03:27
Sir? - Hmm?
03:28
sir, this place is filled with women of ill repute.
03:31
I'm a little uncomfortable. - Damn it, Smith! You think I'm not?
03:33
I'm terrified!
03:36
Give this man your finest trouser arouser.
03:39
And, you, strangle me while I brush your hair.
03:47
I did it! I got into Space Camp!
03:49
seven days of awesomeness starts tomorrow!
03:52
Wow! I want to go.
03:53
sorry, "roget."
03:55
Space Camp is a special privilege for a select group.
03:58
You wouldn't fit in.
03:59
Wha-— But it's about space. I'm from there!
04:03
Maybe. But you weren't invited.
04:05
Only a chosen few get to rub elbows with astronauts...
04:07
and float weightless in billion-dollar simulators.
04:10
Maybe you should go to fat camp. Damn!
04:13
[ Chuckles ] Because you're taking up so much space right now.
04:15
Oh, damn [ Chuckles ]
04:17
Look, just forget it and go back to surgery or whatever.
04:20
But I want to go to Space Camp!
04:23
I'm done with surgery. I already lost the patient.
04:28
[ Thinking ] You know, the thing about working in a hospital...
04:30
is if you dont have a funny black friend things get pretty boring.
04:34
Vanilla Bear! Let's go grab a beer...
04:36
and see what Carla and the mean janitor are doing.
04:38
[ Screams ] Take whatever you want!
04:40
[I Funky Cold Medina' ]
04:43
[ Continues ] - [ Men Whistling, Laughing ]
04:47
Funky cold medina
04:53
Is everything okay?
04:54
Um, this isn't really my thing.
04:56
Maybe this is your thing.
04:59
Oh, God! Leg cramp!
05:01
Are you all right? - I'm still sexy! I'm still sexy for you, baby!
05:05
Cramp, huh? You need to get a banana in you.
05:08
Uh, I don't do that, sir.
05:10
No, you need to eat a banana. You have a potassium deficiency.
05:13
Hey, Shirley! Banana daiquiri, please!
05:16
Wow You... listened to me.
05:18
Sure. You seem like you know a thing or two.
05:20
You're right. I do know a thing or two. I'm Stan.
05:23
I'm Tanqueray.
05:25
Tanqueray, let me break it down for you.
05:27
Exposing your body for money is wrong.
05:28
The only people who should see you naked are your mother...
05:31
your doctor and your best friend in third grade.
05:33
Just that one time. Under the waterfall. Jeremy Davis.
05:37
The point is, you could do so much more with your life.
05:39
You really think so? - Take my advice. You really can.
05:43
[ Pop ]
05:48
[ Gasps ] You were right! I'm better!
05:51
see? I wish my daughter listened as well as you do.
05:54
If she could just see—
05:55
Hey, Tanqueray...
05:57
how would you like to operate your own dry cleaners?
06:00
I don't know. Yes. I don't know.
06:02
You know. Come. Take a drive with a stranger.
06:05
[ Grunting ]
06:10
More. More!
06:13
[ Grunting ] Yeah!
06:16
I so deserve this. Do it!
06:20
[ Grunting ]
06:27
Hayley, it's impolite to fiddle with trash.
06:30
It's not trash. I'm collecting organic compounds for the mulch I'm developing.
06:33
Well, good for you. You don't have to be such a bitch about it.
06:36
[ Door Opens ]
06:38
What a day! I am pooped.
06:40
Stan, who's this?
06:42
Oh, right. Everyone, this is Tanqueray. she's moving in.
06:45
I'm gonna make her a success. - [ Door Opens ]
06:50
Oh, we're wearing the same outfit.
06:52
Take a good look, sweetie. This is how you wear that.
06:56
Nine years of gymnastics, bitch.
07:04
Roger, please show Tanqueray to Steve's room.
07:06
she'll sleep there while he's at Space Camp. And get her out of those clothes.
07:10
And then rob her, kill her, cut off her head and hands and bury her by the creek.
07:13
Got it. - Actually, no. Just get her changed.
07:16
Oh. We just avoided a funny misunderstanding.
07:18
[ Laughing ] I almost cut your hands off!
07:20
All right, come on. I'll race you upstairs!
07:23
stan, what is going on?
07:25
Hayley had her chance to benefit from my wisdom and guidance.
07:28
Now that's all going to Tanqueray.
07:30
I'm gonna transform her from scum of the earth to captain of industry!
07:36
Uh, hey, Hayley, can you come over here a second?
07:38
I want to show you something.
07:41
What, uh— What did Hayley's face look like when I just told her all that?
07:45
Is she regretting not taking my advice yet?
07:47
What? - Oh, did I call you over?
07:50
I-I meant your mother.
07:53
Hey, Francine. You, uh, take a look at this?
08:02
The first step in teaching Tanqueray to run a successful business...
08:05
is enrolling her in school.
08:08
Tanqueray?
08:09
Tanqueray, wake up.
08:11
Your skanking days are over. Your new business school classes start in half an hour.
08:16
[ Moaning ]
08:17
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no, no!
08:20
Don't ever let me see you naked, okay? - I'm sorry!
08:23
It's all right. No harm done.
08:25
I'm completely fine. Just meet me in the car in 15 minutes.
08:29
Francine, meet me in the shower immediately.
08:35
[ Chattering ]
08:37
[ Whooshing ]
08:38
[ Crowd Cheering ]
08:42
Welcome... to a Space Camp!
08:45
[ Cheering ]
08:46
You guys are in for a treat.
08:48
Because instead of doing our normal Space Camp activities...
08:51
we'll be spending all week meeting Nasa's earthbound heroes—
08:55
our wonderful administrative support staff!
08:59
[ Murmuring, Light Applause ]
09:03
Uh, but we're still gonna be doing cool space stuff, right?
09:06
Like-Like flight simulation...
09:08
or maybe a turn with that jet pack?
09:10
No. That was last week or next week.
09:12
Now, put your hands together...
09:15
for the members of today's eight-hour panel.
09:19
First up, Head of Human Resources, Judith Collins!
09:27
Next, Director of Payroll Disbursement, Karen Snur!
09:32
[ Light Applause ]
09:37
Houston, we dont have a problem...
09:39
with any of our building's paint...
09:41
thanks to Acting Head of Paint and Plaster Repair, Art... Fitzgerald-Yee!
09:46
- Art! [ Light Applause ]
09:50
Keep it going for Vice President of Peer Mentoring...
09:54
Ellen "The Duck" Ducker.
09:57
[ Quacking Rapidly ]
09:59
[ Laughing ]
10:02
[ Quacking Continues ] - [ Laughing Continues ] "The Duck'!
10:07
There's my little future dry cleaner. How was your exam today?
10:10
It made me sad... until I drew a bird on it.
10:14
You didn't turn it in?
10:16
Guess what, you guys. The city decided to use my mulch!
10:19
They've ordered a hundred bags. That buys the Heifer Project a hen and half a burro.
10:23
Congratulations, honey.
10:25
How's Tanqueray doing?
10:27
Is she a dry cleaning mogul?
10:28
Is she getting "a de-luxe apartment in the sky? [ Laughs ]
10:32
I don't know if that's funny enough for you to leave on!
10:35
stan, why don't you just admit your plan isn't working?
10:38
Hayley's doing fine on her own.
10:40
And Tanqueray's obviously not cut out for school.
10:44
I colored my bird!
10:47
You're right, Francine.
10:48
I'm gonna take her out of school and go straight to phase two of my plan.
10:52
Four more strippers!
10:54
They're moving in with Tanqueray. - [ Gum Pops ]
10:56
Stan, that's four more mouths to feed!
10:58
And eight more hands to work the dry cleaning business I bought this morning.
11:02
What? - Don't worry, honey.
11:03
When it takes off, we'll be rich.
11:05
Hayley's gonna be so sorry she didn't listen to me.
11:07
All right. Let's get you ladies settled in.
11:10
Now, some ground rules— All of you are gonna get on my menstrual cycle...
11:14
which begins next Wednesday.
11:16
Anyone on their flow right now?
11:18
Stop. Stop it.
11:21
Okay?
11:27
This place blows.
11:29
I can't believe we're stuck here all week.
11:31
My bed is short and wide!
11:34
You're sleeping the wrong way! - [ Beeps ]
11:38
Hey, it's a message from home!
11:40
"Start streaming this video."
11:41
Oh, thank God! Some contact with the outside world.
11:45
[ Slow Pop]
11:47
[ Steve ] Hey, that's my room!
11:50
Hey, Steve. remember how you said I couldnt go to Space Camp?
11:53
Well check it out you smug little bastard
11:55
Five strippers are living in your room, and they're totally horny.
11:58
Melinda, Alison, go!
12:00
[ Moaning ]
12:04
They're kissing where we practice kissing!
12:07
We gotta get home! We got to break out of this place!
12:10
See you in hell— [ Beeps ]
12:12
Okay, girls, pillow fight!
12:15
[ Cans Rattle ]
12:16
Oops. Forgot I put some sodas in there.
12:21
Ladies, six of the 10 richest men in America...
12:24
made their fortune off of dry cleaning or other businesses.
12:26
So let's get in there and make some money!
12:29
Woo! - Yeah, baby!
12:31
Whoo-hoe!
12:32
Ah, man! Landlord gave me the wrong key.
12:34
Jackass coked-up Armenian.
12:36
It's all right. We can do what we want. It's our door.
12:39
[ Alarm Wailing ]
12:43
This is not our dry cleaners. I think we're a block over. Go, go, go, go, go!
12:46
[ Alarm Continues ]
12:55
Girls, I don't understand. Why don't we have any customers?
12:57
Well, sometimes it takes a while for a business to get going.
13:00
Like when Bosoms opened up. No one went to Bosoms, right? And now people go to Bosoms.
13:04
Mm-hmm.
13:06
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Gasps ]
13:07
Oh. Hi. Sorry.
13:09
Are you still helping number zero?
13:11
Because I'm next. I'm one. - What do you want, Hayley?
13:13
I just wanted to give you a store-warming present.
13:16
A bag of my mulch.
13:18
It's filled with crap, just like you!
13:22
[ Bell Dings ] - Now, that is funny enough for you to leave on.
13:26
[ Bell Dings ]
13:29
So, how's business?
13:30
Great. Look at all the clothes we have.
13:33
Okay. I'm gonna explain this one more time.
13:35
I bought the clothes and spruced up the store so it would look like we have customers...
13:39
thus attracting real customers.
13:41
What is so hard to understand about that?
13:43
The other girls get it. Right, Deborah?
13:45
[ Gasping ]
13:49
[ Inhales Deeply ] I'm hungry.
13:51
Come on, we need to make this work!
13:53
For God's sake, I bought a floor-length chinchilla here.
13:55
Maybe we should all just go back to stripping, like Tanqueray.
13:59
Wait. Tanqueray is doing what?
14:01
she felt bad your business was failing...
14:03
so she went to the strip club to make your money back.
14:05
No, no! If she goes back to stripping, then I failed...
14:08
and Hayley was right not to listen to me!
14:10
I can't let that happen!
14:12
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Door Closes ]
14:13
Hey, has Stan tried to rape either of you guys yet?
14:16
No. - No.
14:17
It's weird, right?
14:18
[ Rock ] - [ Women Cheering ]
14:21
[I Continues ]
14:22
[ Cheering Continues ]
14:28
Is Tanqueray here? - [ High-pitched Voice ] Oh, no.
14:30
She worked this afternoon, but now it's ladies' night, so she went home.
14:34
Wow. Your voice Is... sweet.
14:36
Yeah. My gonads are tucked inside my abdomen.
14:39
I was born with what doctors call "bashful testicles."
14:42
Oh. - [ Phone Rings, Beeps ]
14:45
Stan, we just got a call from the bank.
14:48
They say we haven't paid our car payment or the mortgage!
14:51
Is this because you sunk all our money into the dry cleaners?
14:54
Let's look at the positives here, Francine.
14:56
I could have been born with bashful testicles.
14:59
You tell the bank to think about that. - You!
15:02
With the 60-inch chest! How hairy are you?
15:05
What? Uh—
15:07
Damn it, I don't have time for you to estimate.
15:09
Yes! You're perfect.
15:11
I had three dancers cancel on me.
15:13
How'd you like to make 600 dollars?
15:15
A day? - An hour!
15:17
Tax-free, all cash.
15:19
I really can't- Cash?
15:22
If you're having money problems, this could be your possible solution.
15:26
What do I do?
15:28
Now gyrate! Come on, shake it.
15:31
[ Pop ]
15:33
Yeah! You're a natural!
15:35
Now rip my pants off!
15:38
Now kiss me! - What?
15:40
I said, get out there!
15:43
Protect yourself, Victor.
15:44
You can't take another heartbreak right now!
15:54
How's the mulch business going, sweetie?
15:56
Well, I'm not doing as well as I thought.
15:58
Once I paid all my costs and taxes, I'm barely breaking even.
16:01
Well, look. Maybe you should forget about...
16:03
all those starving kids you let down...
16:05
and think about how long you've been single.
16:08
Mom! - Join a gym!
16:09
[ Door Opens ] - Check it out! I'm back!
16:12
Bam! Told you the dry cleaning business would be a success.
16:15
My advice is so good, even strippers can benefit from it.
16:18
Bong! Zing!
16:21
This is all from dry cleaning?
16:22
That's right, baby. We turned it around.
16:24
Francine, I found this G-string outside.
16:27
Please wash it, and then I will put it back outside.
16:36
[ Loud Screaming ]
16:40
[[ Thunderclap ]
16:42
[ Screaming Continues ]
16:49
[ Screaming Continues ]
16:54
[ Screaming Continues ] - [ Thunderclap ]
16:59
[ Screaming Continues ]
17:05
[ Both Screaming ]
17:07
[ Screaming ]
17:09
[ Screams ]
17:11
[ All Screaming ] - [ Thunderclap ]
17:14
[ Alarm Wailing ]
17:17
[ Dance ] - [ Women Cheering ]
17:19
[ Cheering Continues ]
17:23
How are they? - Typical Tuesday crowd.
17:26
Everybody wants to grab it, but nobody wants to pay for it.
17:29
Worst part is, I keep getting aroused.
17:31
How long before the dance boners go away?
17:33
You can still get erections? - You're straight?
17:36
[ Rock ]
17:40
I don't know if I want to be here, Roger.
17:42
Come on! A little wang will cheer you right up.
17:44
So your mulch business is going under. It's not the end of the world.
17:47
Yeah. It just means my dad was right.
17:51
Are you supposed to be pregnant or fat?
17:52
Eight months preggers.
17:54
They don't make you buy the two-drink minimum when you're knocked up.
17:57
Snuck in my own. [ Whispers ] This is a party ball.
18:00
[ Tap Pours ]
18:02
Ah, perfect pour.
18:05
That, however, was urine I just drank.
18:08
ale' [ Pop ] - [ Chattering ]
18:10
[ Cheering ]
18:15
[ Slurring ] I'm starting to get the very bad feeling...
18:17
that none of these boys are gonna go full pickle tonight.
18:21
[[ Man On Speakers ] Okay, ladies, open up your purses and show some love...
18:23
for a real Renaissance man—
18:27
Michael Dangalow!
18:29
♪ Hit it - ♪ [ Hip-hop. "It Takes Two" ]
18:34
-,* Whoo -,* Yeah
18:36
-,* Whoo -,* Yeah
18:38
[ Cheering Intensifies ]
18:40
Oh, my God!
18:42
I know. Look at that meat. French me for a 20!
18:45
Roger, that's my dad! - Stan?
18:49
Ooh! It takes two to make a thing go right.
18:52
-,* Yeah -,* Whoo
18:54
♪ [ Continues ] - [ Screaming ]
18:57
[ Screams ]
18:58
I wanna rock right now
18:59
Hayley, this isn't how I wanted you to find out...
19:02
but your daddy is a brilliant painter.
19:04
Dad, is this where all the dry cleaning money was coming from?
19:07
No wonder it was all in crumpled ones. You are such a liar!
19:10
Hayley, wait! - Hang on. I paid for a three-song dance!
19:14
Not now, Roger! - Vic!
19:16
Hey, Shelley. - Hi, Victor.
19:18
Listen, your stallion here is trying to run out on his dance.
19:22
Vic, listen— - You listen!
19:23
shelley was a dancer here for three years.
19:26
Now she's family. You keep her happy.
19:28
[ Groans ]
19:30
No. No.
19:32
Lean forward and look back. That's what I like.
19:36
And make it rain, make it rain, make it-
19:39
And look at me like you're a virgin!
19:44
Oh, Tanqueray, you leaving?
19:46
Yeah. I'm gonna try and get in Playboy.
19:48
I've got a lot of good short stories.
19:50
This suitcase is filled with science fiction.
19:53
I'm sorry my father messed with your life with his stupid advice.
19:56
I am so pissed at him.
19:58
Hey, at least he's taking an interest in you. More than my dad ever did.
20:01
And besides, he can be pretty smart sometimes.
20:04
He was right about putting a banana in me.
20:06
Well, good-bye.
20:10
[ Engine Starts, Vehicle Departs ]
20:12
Did that girl just leave? I think she stole my jewelry!
20:16
Hayley, I'm sorry.
20:18
I didn't want to admit my dry cleaning business was a bad idea and—
20:21
Well, the truth is, you were right.
20:24
You're 18. You don't need my advice anymore.
20:26
Yeah, maybe I don't.
20:28
But it's nice to know you care enough to offer it.
20:33
The good silver's missing!
20:35
I'm calling the police!
20:37
Actually, I pawned it all to pay down my debt.
20:40
[ Chuckles ] You know, nothing cheers you up like being in a pawn shop.
20:43
Because chances are, you're going to see a Flintstones alarm clock.
20:46
Out of my way!
20:51
Steve, where are the strippers?
20:53
I don't know! - Hey, look who's back.
20:56
Where are the girls? - Oh, you missed them. They're gone.
20:58
Aw! - [ Groaning ]
21:00
But here's a dirty G-string. Enjoy!
21:02
[ Sniffing ]
21:04
It's your dad's. [ Laughing ] - [ Screams ]
21:06
[ Retching, Coughing ] - [ Laughing Continues ]
21:08
I made it rain, made it rain, I made it rain on them boys
21:44
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
