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It's a power thing.

S06E12 May the Best Stan Win

00:41 · frame 1002 of 31516

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34 [ Whirring ]
00:37 Did you put googly eyes on the Roomba?
00:38 Yeah. I like to look someone in the eyes as they clean for me.
00:41 It's a power thing.
00:43 Gets me off.
00:44 [ Door Closes ]
00:46 stan! Valentine's isn't for another two days!
00:51 No, I just wanted some chocolate...
00:53 and they only sold them in that box at Hershy Park.
00:55 You went to Hershy Park without me?
00:57 Yeah. Someone told me about it. Sounded cool.
00:59 That was me!
01:00 For years, I've been telling you I want to go there!
01:02 Well, now I know why, because that place is awesome.
01:05 Milk Chocolate World is great.
01:07 I loved White World.
01:09 Didn't care so much for Dark World.
01:11 Stan, Francine, look at me go!
01:13 [ Grunts ]
01:15 Nein! Nein, Roomba!
01:18 [ Gasps ] Whoa!
01:20 [ Video Game Beeping ]
01:24 [ Electronic Music ]
01:32 [ Gibberish ]
01:36 I have not remotely understood one of these Japanese games.
01:39 Can we just play a normal game?
01:41 Hide-and-go-pee!
01:43 [ Together ] Barry, no!
01:52 Dead lady!
01:53 [ Rubber Squeaking ] - What is that?
01:57 She tastes like a ball gag!
02:03 Oh, my God. Her mouth opens.
02:05 Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
02:08 [ Together ] Shot-for-shot remake of the movie Mannequin!
02:12 Boys, you found... Erica.
02:14 Mr. Yoshida, can we borrow your mannequin?
02:18 Yes, it's a mannequin.
02:20 Of course you boys can use this... mannequin.
02:23 Thanks!
02:26 Is it clean? - You know it's not clean!
02:33 Ow! - Sorry. I started sleeping on my side...
02:35 so I need a pillow between my legs.
02:37 Night!
02:38 stan, I feel like you've been taking me for granted lately.
02:42 You take my pillow, you go to Hershy Park without me.
02:45 You always put yourself first.
02:47 Okay, okay. Here's what I'm gonna do.
02:49 Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed...
02:52 like a queen or a quadriplegic.
02:54 [ Gasps ] Really? - For really reals.
02:57 Mm-hmm. Maybe I should work up an appetite.
03:00 sorry, I have to wake up early tomorrow to make you breakfast.
03:03 Oh, spider bite.
03:05 itchy spider bite.
03:06 Oh, my God, it's so itchy, so itchy—
03:09 Jane Seymour— So it-
03:11 [ Grunts, Sighs ]
03:15 [ Birds Chirping ]
03:17 [ Sizzling ] - Mmm, bacon.
03:26 What happened to breakfast in bed?
03:28 I know. And what happened to dressing up on airplanes and handwritten thank-you notes?
03:31 You promised me!
03:33 Francine. Francine. There's a good explanation.
03:36 You ate it. - Mm-hmm!
03:39 You never think about me, do you?
03:42 I bet you haven't even considered what to get me for Valentine's Day tomorrow.
03:48 Don't even think you can get out of this by shooting me.
03:51 So you dont have anything planned.
03:54 And I went to so much trouble to get you something really special.
03:57 Do you want to know what I got you, Stan?
03:59 No, no, don't tell me! You know I love surprises.
04:01 If you ruin this for me, I swear to God—
04:03 Side-by-side funeral plots and a couple's coffin!
04:07 I thought we could be buried together and hold hands for eternity.
04:11 Francine, that is so sweet.
04:15 And I'm really glad you told me about this...
04:17 because I won't be needing a funeral plot.
04:18 What? - I'm gonna be turned into a cyborg after I die.
04:21 A cyborg?
04:22 Yeah. The C.I.A.'s gonna freeze me...
04:24 until they have the technology to turn me into a half-man, half-robot.
04:28 This is the face I'm gonna do when they freeze me.
04:30 [ Teeth Clenched ] It's Han Solo...
04:32 from Star trek.
04:35 I already picked out my colors.
04:36 Cobalt blue with gold trim. Sick.
04:40 So, you're not gonna be buried next to me?
04:42 Francine, it's "till death do us part."
04:44 At death, we part.
04:46 You go underground and I go shooting into the air...
04:48 flying around like a crazy robot man.
04:50 Unbelievable!
04:52 I don't even want to look at you!
04:54 You can just sleep on the couch tonight!
04:56 Hey, you guys mind keeping it down?
04:57 We're shooting a movie in the next room. Thanks.
05:00 A movie?
05:02 Hey, guys. I was eavesdropping, but I found something better to do.
05:06 I piddled some, here on the rug.
05:08 There's a little blood in it, so... enjoy.
05:13 Okay. This is the big scene...
05:15 where the mannequin turns into a living transvestite...
05:18 originally played by Kim Cattrall.
05:20 And... action!
05:22 You're the first thing I've ever created that really made me feel like an artist.
05:27 Sometimes I think youre the dummy.
05:30 [ Roger ] Cut! Awful!
05:32 Who are you? - The name's Ira Segal.
05:34 I directed the episode of Cybill where Christine Baranski sat on her balls.
05:38 Point is, I can direct this thing.
05:40 Look how many pockets are on his jacket.
05:42 I think we should let him do it.
05:44 I'll remake Mannequin on one condition.
05:46 We make it Goonies. - the Goonies? Why?
05:49 Look at you four. Fat, nerdy, smart-mouthed, Asian.
05:53 You guys are The Goonies!
05:55 What's good enough for you is good enough for me
06:01 It's good enough
06:04 It's good enough for me
06:06 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah
06:13 [ Groaning ]
06:24 [ Snoring ]
06:26 Marinate it with a marinade.
06:28 Oh, that's not enough marinade.
06:30 That's too much marinade. - Francine!
06:32 [ Grunts ] What's going on? - I realized I Have been selfish.
06:35 It Has been all about me.
06:38 But it's time we make it all about you.
06:40 [ Francine ] You made me love coupons?
06:42 Tomorrow's gonna be the best Valentine's Day of your life.
06:45 It starts with brunch and gets progressively more romantic as it goes.
06:50 It ends with us doing something so dirty, we'll both have intestinal distress for a month.
06:55 And that's not all.
06:57 I've also decided to join you in that lovers' coffin.
07:00 This is the C.I.A. contract that I signed to become a cyborg.
07:05 Oh, Stan, I love you!
07:07 [ Rumbling ]
07:09 [ Thunderclaps ]
07:13 [ Screams ]
07:17 [ Soft Beeping ]
07:20 What's happening?
07:21 [ Servos Whirring ]
07:25 [ Broad Accent ] Stan, I'm you from the future. We need to talk.
07:28 Oh, my God. It's me... as a cyborg]
07:32 I'm awesome! - But you tore up the contract.
07:36 Wait! This is the dishwasher warranty!
07:41 What happens if it breaks down?
07:42 It does.
07:51 Francine, look how cool I am as a cyborg.
07:54 Stan, I've traveled back, like, a thousand years, man.
07:56 We need to talk about the future. - Why do you have an accent?
07:59 Yeah. It's like a mix of Mexican and Canadian.
08:02 Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:04 America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada in, like, a hundred years or something.
08:08 My God. A great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people.
08:14 Stan, in the future, the machines rise up and try to destroy the human race.
08:18 I need to train you so you can stop it from happening.
08:21 You'll save the world, man, eh?
08:23 I save the world.
08:26 I knew it. Fuckin' knew it.
08:28 I can't believe you lied to me about ripping up that contract.
08:31 That's it. Out of here, both of you!
08:34 I'm going back to bed alone. - Francine.
08:38 Fine. I have so much to ask you about the future...
08:41 like do I ever truly fall in love?
08:45 [ Birds Chirping ]
08:49 Wakey, wakey, gringo.
08:51 Early.
08:52 If you're gonna save the world in a thousand years...
08:54 we got to spend all your time getting ready, okay?
08:57 The evil machines of the future are based on today's electronics, okay?
09:01 So take these things apart and learn how they function...
09:04 how they think, ese.
09:06 You got a problem with me?
09:08 You don't even know me!
09:10 [ Grunts ]
09:11 [ Gasps ] Roomba!
09:13 Stan, I love that thing!
09:15 She's soft on the machines. Probably betray us.
09:18 Should we kill her now?
09:19 Look, it's Valentine's Day, and I want to go to brunch.
09:23 Francine, I must train.
09:26 These coupons say they're good anytime.
09:29 I'll be in the car. - [ Door Closes ]
09:31 Looks like no training today for me, Future Stan.
09:35 Not necessarily, bromigo.
09:40 Okay. Let's go, mama.
09:41 I'm not going anywhere with you.
09:43 The coupon didn't say anything about which Stan it has to be.
09:46 Have fun, you two.
09:56 Treasure map!
09:59 [ Groans ] We've done this 40 times. What's wrong now?
10:02 I hate your face. Do it again.
10:03 [ All Groan ]
10:05 And... action!
10:08 A treasure map.
10:10 One-Eyed Willie buried a treasure.
10:12 It was full of diamonds and emeralds—
10:15 Give it to me! I'll kill you! The treasure's mine!
10:20 Oh, right. Right.
10:22 Well, great work then. Very convincing, Steve.
10:25 So convincing that I ruined the shot.
10:27 So let's take it from the top...
10:29 right after I get that treasure!
10:33 Don't go anywhere. I'm on my way back.
10:34 I remember what we're doing again.
10:38 I know this situation isn't exactly ideal for you.
10:41 But spending the day with a beautiful woman, that's pretty ideal for me, man.
10:50 [ Synthesized Pop On Stereo ]
10:51 It's Japanese funk. Give it a chance.
10:54 Everybody loves it in the future.
11:04 [ Woman Singing in Japanese ]
11:10 [I Continues ]
11:37 [ Fades]
11:41 This actually turned out to be a really nice Valentine's Day.
11:45 I've missed you.
11:47 You know, the last time I saw you, you were in the electric chair.
11:50 You looked so tired. You'd been running for so long.
11:56 Hey, guys. - Stan, what did you do?
11:59 I won the first battle, Francine, but not yet the war.
12:02 I must rest.
12:04 [ Groans ] I can't deal with him right now.
12:07 [ Snoring, Muttering ]
12:10 Oh, I remember that dream. It's a puppy dream.
12:14 Eat those puppies, Stan. Eat them till you're full.
12:25 Aren't you gonna eat?
12:26 I could, but it's not logical.
12:28 It would just be for pleasure.
12:32 Mmm! This French toast is so good.
12:35 You have to try it.
12:38 [ Moaning ]
12:42 Nice bite, Nardo.
12:44 Come on. Let's train. - Okay, Stan.
12:46 In the future, all fighting happens very low...
12:49 because future armor protects everyone from the mid-calf up.
12:52 So I'm gonna show you some kicks and punches that attack the ankles.
12:57 Okay, so this is the move.
12:58 sweep low, chop low, swing low.
13:02 Got it. You don't have to tell me twice. I remember it exactly.
13:05 Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:08 Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:11 Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:17 We have to talk about our feelings, homes.
13:19 I'm a married woman.
13:20 Yeah. You're married to me, jaina.
13:23 Oh. Yeah.
13:25 [ Stammers ] I guess.
13:27 I'm Stan, just a more evolved Stan.
13:30 A Stan who spent a thousand lonely years without you, man...
13:34 and realized you're the most important thing in the world, eh?
13:40 This is too crazy. You're a robot!
13:45 [ Future Stan ] That man will let you down again and again.
13:48 I Know because I was that man.
13:51 You deserve better, dog.
13:54 I'm so confused, dog.
13:59 [ Grunting ]
14:01 Stan, we need to talk.
14:03 What is it? Another coupon?
14:05 The coupons are all gone, brah. But--
14:09 What about all the sexy coupons at the end?
14:13 [ Gasps ]
14:14 You two did the Tennessee Log Jammer!
14:16 Where are the other two guys? And did you at least put my ladder back?
14:20 This isn't easy to say...
14:22 but I'm leaving you...
14:24 for you...
14:25 in the future...
14:26 but now.
14:28 What? You can't leave me for me!
14:30 And besides, he's only here to train me for the future war!
14:33 There is no future war. I made it all up.
14:36 I actually came back to steal Francine from you.
14:39 You bastard!
14:43 I guess I should go release the rice cooker from the internment camp.
15:02 How could you sleep with another man?
15:04 He's not another man, Stan. He's you.
15:07 A more thoughtful version of you.
15:10 He even agreed to get in the lovers' coffin with me when I die.
15:14 I never die, so I'm just gonna lie next to her forever...
15:17 and stroke her hair and do nice stuff like that to her.
15:20 [ Chuckles ] Oh, Cybie.
15:22 I'm more romantic than this joker.
15:24 You've got to give me another chance!
15:26 I swear. Tomorrow, I will give you the most romantic day of your life.
15:31 I don't Know, Present Stan. [ Sighs ]
15:34 Okay.
15:36 Thank you! You won't regret it!
15:38 I hate you. - Hey, brah. I make it up to you.
15:41 Give you a handy-j. [ Spits ]
15:43 What? It's not gay. It's you on you.
15:48 Action.
15:49 [ Steve ] Down here, it's our time.
15:51 It's our time down here.
15:53 Ow! What the hell?
15:55 I'm getting more acting out of the sex doll.
15:59 Sex doll? Ew!
16:01 I've been keeping my gum in its mouth.
16:03 That's it! I'm through with this movie!
16:05 i'd rather do another one of my uncle's secret basement movies...
16:10 but I got too old.
16:12 Guys, wait. Kids always talk about doing remakes of their favorite movies...
16:17 but they never see it through.
16:18 We can't quit. This is our time.
16:21 It's our time down here.
16:26 I'm in. - Me too!
16:28 Give me that map! - [I Yelps ]
16:31 The treasure's ours. We're rich, baby, just like we talked about.
16:34 [ Cackling ]
16:37 [ Crickets Chirping ]
16:41 [ Footsteps ]
16:43 I Know you promised Francine a romantic day tomorrow, but I can't let that happen.
16:47 Time to send you into the past.
17:00 Hayley, I overslept. Where's your mom?
17:02 She went to Hershy Park with your cyborg.
17:04 [ Gasps ]
17:14 Thanks for doing the Chocolate Tunnel of Love with me again.
17:17 I was scared the first time.
17:19 But once I relaxed, I was surprised how much I liked it.
17:28 [ Screams ] Don't!
17:32 Sweep low! Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe!
17:37 Augustus, no!
17:42 [ Shouts, Grunts ]
17:50 [ Grunting ]
17:53 [ Boy Screams ]
18:01 [ Groans ]
18:03 [ Beeps, Shutter Clicks ]
18:09 [ Screams ] - [ People Gasping ]
18:16 [ Yelps ]
18:18 [ Screams ]
18:24 [ Clamoring ]
18:26 [ Both Groaning ]
18:27 [ Bystanders Sighing ] - [ Laughing ]
18:36 Damn it! Why did I join that stupid cyborg program?
18:40 Wait. If I never join the program, you won't exist.
18:44 I'll just rip up my cyborg contract.
18:47 sorry, Stan. I knew we'd think of that.
18:50 Oh! You are just a stinker!
18:53 Francine, listen. I love you.
18:56 I get it, and I'm gonna start being attentive to your wants and needs.
19:01 If you really believe that, then here, take the contract.
19:05 It's your choice, eh?
19:06 You can rip it up and get your wife back, or you can let Francine be happy with me.
19:11 What's it gonna be, ese?
19:13 What you want or what she wants?
19:16 What I want! Duh!
19:20 Oh, my God. What am I saying?
19:22 I haven't changed.
19:26 Francine, if it takes a thousand years of loneliness and misery...
19:30 for me to finally understand how to treat you, then so be it.
19:34 I just want you to be happy.
19:41 [ Paper Tearing ]
19:44 That's all I needed to hear.
19:50 The refrigerator manual?
19:52 I'm still Stan!
19:55 [ Beeping ]
20:06 [ Slowed Down ] Chad Lowe! Yeah?
20:23 [ Spectators Gasp ]
20:25 [ Roars ] - [ Gasps ]
20:27 [ Groans ] You choc-blocked me, bro!
20:36 I'm never going to let go of this hand ever again.
20:41 You never know what's gonna go down at Hershy Park
20:46 Hershy Park Hershy Park
20:50 Augustus is dead!
20:53 [ Sobbing ] - ♪ At Hershy Park, Hershy Park
20:56 Hershy Park Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
21:02 [ Synthesized Pop ]
21:10 [ Woman Singing in Japanese ]
21:47 Bye-bye! See you soon!