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Augustus, no!
S06E12 May the Best Stan Win
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ Whirring ]
00:37
Did you put googly eyes on the Roomba?
00:38
Yeah. I like to look someone in the eyes as they clean for me.
00:41
It's a power thing.
00:43
Gets me off.
00:44
[ Door Closes ]
00:46
stan! Valentine's isn't for another two days!
00:51
No, I just wanted some chocolate...
00:53
and they only sold them in that box at Hershy Park.
00:55
You went to Hershy Park without me?
00:57
Yeah. Someone told me about it. Sounded cool.
00:59
That was me!
01:00
For years, I've been telling you I want to go there!
01:02
Well, now I know why, because that place is awesome.
01:05
Milk Chocolate World is great.
01:07
I loved White World.
01:09
Didn't care so much for Dark World.
01:11
Stan, Francine, look at me go!
01:13
[ Grunts ]
01:15
Nein! Nein, Roomba!
01:18
[ Gasps ] Whoa!
01:20
[ Video Game Beeping ]
01:24
[ Electronic Music ]
01:32
[ Gibberish ]
01:36
I have not remotely understood one of these Japanese games.
01:39
Can we just play a normal game?
01:41
Hide-and-go-pee!
01:43
[ Together ] Barry, no!
01:52
Dead lady!
01:53
[ Rubber Squeaking ] - What is that?
01:57
She tastes like a ball gag!
02:03
Oh, my God. Her mouth opens.
02:05
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
02:08
[ Together ] Shot-for-shot remake of the movie Mannequin!
02:12
Boys, you found... Erica.
02:14
Mr. Yoshida, can we borrow your mannequin?
02:18
Yes, it's a mannequin.
02:20
Of course you boys can use this... mannequin.
02:23
Thanks!
02:26
Is it clean? - You know it's not clean!
02:33
Ow! - Sorry. I started sleeping on my side...
02:35
so I need a pillow between my legs.
02:37
Night!
02:38
stan, I feel like you've been taking me for granted lately.
02:42
You take my pillow, you go to Hershy Park without me.
02:45
You always put yourself first.
02:47
Okay, okay. Here's what I'm gonna do.
02:49
Tomorrow morning, you'll be served breakfast in bed...
02:52
like a queen or a quadriplegic.
02:54
[ Gasps ] Really? - For really reals.
02:57
Mm-hmm. Maybe I should work up an appetite.
03:00
sorry, I have to wake up early tomorrow to make you breakfast.
03:03
Oh, spider bite.
03:05
itchy spider bite.
03:06
Oh, my God, it's so itchy, so itchy—
03:09
Jane Seymour— So it-
03:11
[ Grunts, Sighs ]
03:15
[ Birds Chirping ]
03:17
[ Sizzling ] - Mmm, bacon.
03:26
What happened to breakfast in bed?
03:28
I know. And what happened to dressing up on airplanes and handwritten thank-you notes?
03:31
You promised me!
03:33
Francine. Francine. There's a good explanation.
03:36
You ate it. - Mm-hmm!
03:39
You never think about me, do you?
03:42
I bet you haven't even considered what to get me for Valentine's Day tomorrow.
03:48
Don't even think you can get out of this by shooting me.
03:51
So you dont have anything planned.
03:54
And I went to so much trouble to get you something really special.
03:57
Do you want to know what I got you, Stan?
03:59
No, no, don't tell me! You know I love surprises.
04:01
If you ruin this for me, I swear to God—
04:03
Side-by-side funeral plots and a couple's coffin!
04:07
I thought we could be buried together and hold hands for eternity.
04:11
Francine, that is so sweet.
04:15
And I'm really glad you told me about this...
04:17
because I won't be needing a funeral plot.
04:18
What? - I'm gonna be turned into a cyborg after I die.
04:21
A cyborg?
04:22
Yeah. The C.I.A.'s gonna freeze me...
04:24
until they have the technology to turn me into a half-man, half-robot.
04:28
This is the face I'm gonna do when they freeze me.
04:30
[ Teeth Clenched ] It's Han Solo...
04:32
from Star trek.
04:35
I already picked out my colors.
04:36
Cobalt blue with gold trim. Sick.
04:40
So, you're not gonna be buried next to me?
04:42
Francine, it's "till death do us part."
04:44
At death, we part.
04:46
You go underground and I go shooting into the air...
04:48
flying around like a crazy robot man.
04:50
Unbelievable!
04:52
I don't even want to look at you!
04:54
You can just sleep on the couch tonight!
04:56
Hey, you guys mind keeping it down?
04:57
We're shooting a movie in the next room. Thanks.
05:00
A movie?
05:02
Hey, guys. I was eavesdropping, but I found something better to do.
05:06
I piddled some, here on the rug.
05:08
There's a little blood in it, so... enjoy.
05:13
Okay. This is the big scene...
05:15
where the mannequin turns into a living transvestite...
05:18
originally played by Kim Cattrall.
05:20
And... action!
05:22
You're the first thing I've ever created that really made me feel like an artist.
05:27
Sometimes I think youre the dummy.
05:30
[ Roger ] Cut! Awful!
05:32
Who are you? - The name's Ira Segal.
05:34
I directed the episode of Cybill where Christine Baranski sat on her balls.
05:38
Point is, I can direct this thing.
05:40
Look how many pockets are on his jacket.
05:42
I think we should let him do it.
05:44
I'll remake Mannequin on one condition.
05:46
We make it Goonies. - the Goonies? Why?
05:49
Look at you four. Fat, nerdy, smart-mouthed, Asian.
05:53
You guys are The Goonies!
05:55
What's good enough for you is good enough for me
06:01
It's good enough
06:04
It's good enough for me
06:06
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah
06:13
[ Groaning ]
06:24
[ Snoring ]
06:26
Marinate it with a marinade.
06:28
Oh, that's not enough marinade.
06:30
That's too much marinade. - Francine!
06:32
[ Grunts ] What's going on? - I realized I Have been selfish.
06:35
It Has been all about me.
06:38
But it's time we make it all about you.
06:40
[ Francine ] You made me love coupons?
06:42
Tomorrow's gonna be the best Valentine's Day of your life.
06:45
It starts with brunch and gets progressively more romantic as it goes.
06:50
It ends with us doing something so dirty, we'll both have intestinal distress for a month.
06:55
And that's not all.
06:57
I've also decided to join you in that lovers' coffin.
07:00
This is the C.I.A. contract that I signed to become a cyborg.
07:05
Oh, Stan, I love you!
07:07
[ Rumbling ]
07:09
[ Thunderclaps ]
07:13
[ Screams ]
07:17
[ Soft Beeping ]
07:20
What's happening?
07:21
[ Servos Whirring ]
07:25
[ Broad Accent ] Stan, I'm you from the future. We need to talk.
07:28
Oh, my God. It's me... as a cyborg]
07:32
I'm awesome! - But you tore up the contract.
07:36
Wait! This is the dishwasher warranty!
07:41
What happens if it breaks down?
07:42
It does.
07:51
Francine, look how cool I am as a cyborg.
07:54
Stan, I've traveled back, like, a thousand years, man.
07:56
We need to talk about the future. - Why do you have an accent?
07:59
Yeah. It's like a mix of Mexican and Canadian.
08:02
Oh, yeah, yeah.
08:04
America gets taken over by Mexico and Canada in, like, a hundred years or something.
08:08
My God. A great nation defeated by an army of gardeners and boring people.
08:14
Stan, in the future, the machines rise up and try to destroy the human race.
08:18
I need to train you so you can stop it from happening.
08:21
You'll save the world, man, eh?
08:23
I save the world.
08:26
I knew it. Fuckin' knew it.
08:28
I can't believe you lied to me about ripping up that contract.
08:31
That's it. Out of here, both of you!
08:34
I'm going back to bed alone. - Francine.
08:38
Fine. I have so much to ask you about the future...
08:41
like do I ever truly fall in love?
08:45
[ Birds Chirping ]
08:49
Wakey, wakey, gringo.
08:51
Early.
08:52
If you're gonna save the world in a thousand years...
08:54
we got to spend all your time getting ready, okay?
08:57
The evil machines of the future are based on today's electronics, okay?
09:01
So take these things apart and learn how they function...
09:04
how they think, ese.
09:06
You got a problem with me?
09:08
You don't even know me!
09:10
[ Grunts ]
09:11
[ Gasps ] Roomba!
09:13
Stan, I love that thing!
09:15
She's soft on the machines. Probably betray us.
09:18
Should we kill her now?
09:19
Look, it's Valentine's Day, and I want to go to brunch.
09:23
Francine, I must train.
09:26
These coupons say they're good anytime.
09:29
I'll be in the car. - [ Door Closes ]
09:31
Looks like no training today for me, Future Stan.
09:35
Not necessarily, bromigo.
09:40
Okay. Let's go, mama.
09:41
I'm not going anywhere with you.
09:43
The coupon didn't say anything about which Stan it has to be.
09:46
Have fun, you two.
09:56
Treasure map!
09:59
[ Groans ] We've done this 40 times. What's wrong now?
10:02
I hate your face. Do it again.
10:03
[ All Groan ]
10:05
And... action!
10:08
A treasure map.
10:10
One-Eyed Willie buried a treasure.
10:12
It was full of diamonds and emeralds—
10:15
Give it to me! I'll kill you! The treasure's mine!
10:20
Oh, right. Right.
10:22
Well, great work then. Very convincing, Steve.
10:25
So convincing that I ruined the shot.
10:27
So let's take it from the top...
10:29
right after I get that treasure!
10:33
Don't go anywhere. I'm on my way back.
10:34
I remember what we're doing again.
10:38
I know this situation isn't exactly ideal for you.
10:41
But spending the day with a beautiful woman, that's pretty ideal for me, man.
10:50
[ Synthesized Pop On Stereo ]
10:51
It's Japanese funk. Give it a chance.
10:54
Everybody loves it in the future.
11:04
[ Woman Singing in Japanese ]
11:10
[I Continues ]
11:37
[ Fades]
11:41
This actually turned out to be a really nice Valentine's Day.
11:45
I've missed you.
11:47
You know, the last time I saw you, you were in the electric chair.
11:50
You looked so tired. You'd been running for so long.
11:56
Hey, guys. - Stan, what did you do?
11:59
I won the first battle, Francine, but not yet the war.
12:02
I must rest.
12:04
[ Groans ] I can't deal with him right now.
12:07
[ Snoring, Muttering ]
12:10
Oh, I remember that dream. It's a puppy dream.
12:14
Eat those puppies, Stan. Eat them till you're full.
12:25
Aren't you gonna eat?
12:26
I could, but it's not logical.
12:28
It would just be for pleasure.
12:32
Mmm! This French toast is so good.
12:35
You have to try it.
12:38
[ Moaning ]
12:42
Nice bite, Nardo.
12:44
Come on. Let's train. - Okay, Stan.
12:46
In the future, all fighting happens very low...
12:49
because future armor protects everyone from the mid-calf up.
12:52
So I'm gonna show you some kicks and punches that attack the ankles.
12:57
Okay, so this is the move.
12:58
sweep low, chop low, swing low.
13:02
Got it. You don't have to tell me twice. I remember it exactly.
13:05
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:08
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:11
Chop low, Rob Lowe, Chad Lowe.
13:17
We have to talk about our feelings, homes.
13:19
I'm a married woman.
13:20
Yeah. You're married to me, jaina.
13:23
Oh. Yeah.
13:25
[ Stammers ] I guess.
13:27
I'm Stan, just a more evolved Stan.
13:30
A Stan who spent a thousand lonely years without you, man...
13:34
and realized you're the most important thing in the world, eh?
13:40
This is too crazy. You're a robot!
13:45
[ Future Stan ] That man will let you down again and again.
13:48
I Know because I was that man.
13:51
You deserve better, dog.
13:54
I'm so confused, dog.
13:59
[ Grunting ]
14:01
Stan, we need to talk.
14:03
What is it? Another coupon?
14:05
The coupons are all gone, brah. But--
14:09
What about all the sexy coupons at the end?
14:13
[ Gasps ]
14:14
You two did the Tennessee Log Jammer!
14:16
Where are the other two guys? And did you at least put my ladder back?
14:20
This isn't easy to say...
14:22
but I'm leaving you...
14:24
for you...
14:25
in the future...
14:26
but now.
14:28
What? You can't leave me for me!
14:30
And besides, he's only here to train me for the future war!
14:33
There is no future war. I made it all up.
14:36
I actually came back to steal Francine from you.
14:39
You bastard!
14:43
I guess I should go release the rice cooker from the internment camp.
15:02
How could you sleep with another man?
15:04
He's not another man, Stan. He's you.
15:07
A more thoughtful version of you.
15:10
He even agreed to get in the lovers' coffin with me when I die.
15:14
I never die, so I'm just gonna lie next to her forever...
15:17
and stroke her hair and do nice stuff like that to her.
15:20
[ Chuckles ] Oh, Cybie.
15:22
I'm more romantic than this joker.
15:24
You've got to give me another chance!
15:26
I swear. Tomorrow, I will give you the most romantic day of your life.
15:31
I don't Know, Present Stan. [ Sighs ]
15:34
Okay.
15:36
Thank you! You won't regret it!
15:38
I hate you. - Hey, brah. I make it up to you.
15:41
Give you a handy-j. [ Spits ]
15:43
What? It's not gay. It's you on you.
15:48
Action.
15:49
[ Steve ] Down here, it's our time.
15:51
It's our time down here.
15:53
Ow! What the hell?
15:55
I'm getting more acting out of the sex doll.
15:59
Sex doll? Ew!
16:01
I've been keeping my gum in its mouth.
16:03
That's it! I'm through with this movie!
16:05
i'd rather do another one of my uncle's secret basement movies...
16:10
but I got too old.
16:12
Guys, wait. Kids always talk about doing remakes of their favorite movies...
16:17
but they never see it through.
16:18
We can't quit. This is our time.
16:21
It's our time down here.
16:26
I'm in. - Me too!
16:28
Give me that map! - [I Yelps ]
16:31
The treasure's ours. We're rich, baby, just like we talked about.
16:34
[ Cackling ]
16:37
[ Crickets Chirping ]
16:41
[ Footsteps ]
16:43
I Know you promised Francine a romantic day tomorrow, but I can't let that happen.
16:47
Time to send you into the past.
17:00
Hayley, I overslept. Where's your mom?
17:02
She went to Hershy Park with your cyborg.
17:04
[ Gasps ]
17:14
Thanks for doing the Chocolate Tunnel of Love with me again.
17:17
I was scared the first time.
17:19
But once I relaxed, I was surprised how much I liked it.
17:28
[ Screams ] Don't!
17:32
Sweep low! Rob Lowe! Chad Lowe!
17:37
Augustus, no!
17:42
[ Shouts, Grunts ]
17:50
[ Grunting ]
17:53
[ Boy Screams ]
18:01
[ Groans ]
18:03
[ Beeps, Shutter Clicks ]
18:09
[ Screams ] - [ People Gasping ]
18:16
[ Yelps ]
18:18
[ Screams ]
18:24
[ Clamoring ]
18:26
[ Both Groaning ]
18:27
[ Bystanders Sighing ] - [ Laughing ]
18:36
Damn it! Why did I join that stupid cyborg program?
18:40
Wait. If I never join the program, you won't exist.
18:44
I'll just rip up my cyborg contract.
18:47
sorry, Stan. I knew we'd think of that.
18:50
Oh! You are just a stinker!
18:53
Francine, listen. I love you.
18:56
I get it, and I'm gonna start being attentive to your wants and needs.
19:01
If you really believe that, then here, take the contract.
19:05
It's your choice, eh?
19:06
You can rip it up and get your wife back, or you can let Francine be happy with me.
19:11
What's it gonna be, ese?
19:13
What you want or what she wants?
19:16
What I want! Duh!
19:20
Oh, my God. What am I saying?
19:22
I haven't changed.
19:26
Francine, if it takes a thousand years of loneliness and misery...
19:30
for me to finally understand how to treat you, then so be it.
19:34
I just want you to be happy.
19:41
[ Paper Tearing ]
19:44
That's all I needed to hear.
19:50
The refrigerator manual?
19:52
I'm still Stan!
19:55
[ Beeping ]
20:06
[ Slowed Down ] Chad Lowe! Yeah?
20:23
[ Spectators Gasp ]
20:25
[ Roars ] - [ Gasps ]
20:27
[ Groans ] You choc-blocked me, bro!
20:36
I'm never going to let go of this hand ever again.
20:41
You never know what's gonna go down at Hershy Park
20:46
Hershy Park Hershy Park
20:50
Augustus is dead!
20:53
[ Sobbing ] - ♪ At Hershy Park, Hershy Park
20:56
Hershy Park Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
21:02
[ Synthesized Pop ]
21:10
[ Woman Singing in Japanese ]
21:47
Bye-bye! See you soon!
