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You're fat, Helen!
S06E13 The Return of the Bling
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36
Dad, check it out! I got a B-plus on my essay about my personal hero!
00:40
Legolas from Lord of the Rings.
00:42
Le-go-las.
00:44
Yeah. He helps Aragorn conquer the—
00:46
Ar-a-gon.
00:48
Yeah. He's an elf. And-And he— Hey!
00:51
That's not a hero, Steve. A hero is someone you worship and emulate.
00:55
I assume you got such a high grade...
00:57
because your teacher thought you were trying to come out to her and wanted to be supportive.
01:00
But Legolas is cool. He can shoot arrows.
01:03
His feet scarcely make imprints on the snow. He—
01:05
They've got to be real, okay? Heroes have got to be real people!
01:09
I'm, um—
01:10
I'm ready to pretend I'm going to school...
01:12
if someone wants to pretend to see my bus outside.
01:16
[ "National Anthem' ] - These are my heroes, Son. Real heroes.
01:20
Ronald Reagan and the 1980 Miracle on Ice U.S. hockey team.
01:25
1980 was the best year of my life.
01:27
Ronald Reagan became president and the U.S. hockey team overcame enormous odds...
01:31
to beat the Russians and win Olympic gold.
01:34
And my Cabbage Patch Kid, Woodrow, was born in the cabbage patch on September 1.
01:39
He's not one of my heroes. He's just been my best friend since, like, forever.
01:44
These men saved me!
01:45
I was born into an upper middle-class white family in the suburbs.
01:48
No one gave me a chance.
01:50
But I saw these men, these underdogs, rise up and beat the odds.
01:54
And they inspired me to climb out of the cul-de-sac and make something of my life!
01:58
That's what a hero is, Steve. Someone whose example you can follow.
02:02
[ Whistling ]
02:04
Hey, look at that.
02:06
Can you believe me and this group of "jagoffs" won the gold?
02:09
What are you talking about? - That's me. Chex Lemeneux.
02:13
see? That's my finger. And there's my perfect apple-shaped bottom.
02:17
Well, love to stay and chat, but I already had half this coffee and matters are afoot.
02:22
Aah! - You lazy, selfish, no-good drunk!
02:25
How dare you claim to be one of the greatest men ever to walk this earth!
02:28
I know who Chex Lemeneux is, and you're not him!
02:30
That's 'cause you're not seeing me in my outfit.
02:32
Yeah! Recognize me now?
02:35
Mustache courtesy of an L.L.Bean mannequin name of Frederick.
02:39
Ah, an alien and a mannequin. What were we thinking? We were young.
02:44
Take off that jersey! You're besmirching the team!
02:47
I'm telling you, I was the agitator, the enforcer, the goon.
02:50
In that game versus Sweden, I was inside one of their forwards for, like, a minute.
02:54
He still writes me.
02:56
I don't write back. What am I afraid of?
02:58
I said take that off
03:00
Fine. You don't believe me? I'll prove it to you!
03:02
You know how I go out of town once a year?
03:04
No. I don't like to think about you. It's confusing.
03:06
That's when the team gets together to reminisce.
03:08
Our next gathering is in a few weeks. Why don't you come with me and see for yourself?
03:11
Fine! I'll go and I'll call you on your nonsense!
03:14
Good! I normally take my barber as my plus one.
03:17
But lately Phil's been on this corduroy kick.
03:20
I-I mean, what-what do you do?
03:22
What-What— What's to be done?
03:27
she say I Mr. Romantic
03:31
Hey, Francine! Give Reggie some sugar.
03:33
Hey, Reginald. [ Kisses ]
03:35
What are you doing here?
03:37
Oh, I got back from a C.I.A. mission last night.
03:39
stan said I could pop in and make myself at home.
03:41
You know, use y'all's laundry, shower, maybe spark up a-—[ Inhaling ]
03:46
I'm sorry. I don't—
03:48
Oh, I thought you partook. Never mind. Boop! Press "delete."
03:52
Anyway, these mother Zeros at the C.I.A. got me running around.
03:57
I just got back from Tangier. That is some country-ass country.
04:01
You know what they never heard of there?
04:02
Hi-damn-C.
04:04
Got some yak juice squirting out of some goat.
04:06
Tastes like butt coming out of some teat.
04:08
"You want some figs? You want some cheese?"
04:10
"Hell, no! It's 150 degrees! Can I get a damn ice cube?" Um—
04:19
[[ Francine ] "Dear Reginald. I didnt want to interrupt you...
04:22
but I really had to go to the bathroom. Love. Francine."
04:26
Did you put my dress in the dryer?
04:28
Oh, yeah, I did. It was no problem.
04:30
I just threw it in with my jeans.
04:31
You shrunk it! I was gonna wear it tonight!
04:34
I'm going to dinner with my boyfriend, ian.
04:35
Ian is gonna like that tight on you. Showcase your bits!
04:39
Just stay away from me.
04:41
Whoo! She hate me. Like the deserts hate the rain.
04:47
How much did that fake sign set you back?
04:50
[ Muzak ] - [ Elevator Bell Dings ]
04:53
Not bad for a La Quinta.
04:56
A sign-in table. Nice touch, Roger.
04:58
Hello, Chex. I see you didn't bring your barber this time.
05:02
I guess you'll never ask me to be your plus one!
05:04
[ Sobbing ]
05:07
You're fat, Helen!
05:09
[ People Chattering ]
05:12
[ All ] Chex!
05:14
Who wants their neck sliced open? [ Laughs ]
05:18
That's Jim Craig and Mark Johnson.
05:22
There's Mike Eruzione!
05:24
Just in time, Chex. They're about to show some of our old game footage.
05:30
[ Fanfare ]
05:51
[ All Cheering ]
05:53
I can't believe it.
05:56
Roger is my hero.
05:59
Aah! Stan, who the hell are you talking to?
06:02
Are you just sitting in the dark watching me?
06:04
Oh, God! Were you yanking it over my sleeping form?
06:07
Oh, you sick— What the—
06:11
[ Snoring ]
06:15
You always get what you want, don't you, Helen? Bravo.
06:24
Little more cereal? Top off your java?
06:27
Oh, looks like that article continues on page 10.
06:29
Dad, he's still the same Roger!
06:31
Just because he won a hockey game 30 years ago, he's suddenly your hero?
06:34
Yes, Steve. What did your hero "Legoman" ever win?
06:37
It's Legolas! You mispronounced it just to aggravate me.
06:40
Ooh! I am steaming, boy.
06:47
Roger, I am so sorry for how I treated you all these years.
06:51
Stan, don't worry about it. - I want you to punch me in the face!
06:53
[ Chuckles ] I'm not gonna punch you in the face.
06:56
I want you to hurt me to make up for how I treated you.
06:58
Here, take my gun and shoot me through the cheek.
07:01
Stan, I am not going to— - [ Gunshot ]
07:03
Sorry again about the whole cheek thing. I didn't mean to—
07:06
Nonsense. You just gave me another hole for your glory to shine through.
07:10
A glory hole in my face.
07:12
[ Breaks Wind ]
07:16
You're so great.
07:20
May I?
07:25
Hayley Mills, America's original sweetheart.
07:29
Come on, it's been a whole week.
07:31
You still mad at Reggie?
07:33
Look, how about a peace offering?
07:35
You like music? You like Shaggy? "Shaggy!"
07:39
No. - Yes, you do. Everybody likes Shaggy.
07:42
That's why he playing the fairgrounds. Me and you are going.
07:45
You don't seem to get it. I don't like you.
07:48
I want to change that. I want to be your friend.
07:51
That's why I'm taking you to Shaggy, Hayley. "Hayley!"
07:56
So Mike Eruzione and I decided to pull a prank on our teammates.
08:00
Uh-huh. - The night before the game with Czechoslovakia...
08:02
we sneak into the locker room and rub muscle ointment inside all the helmets, right?
08:06
Uh-huh.
08:08
So the next day on the ice, the guys started sweating and their scalps started to burn.
08:12
Oh, man! - But the best part was...
08:14
Eruzione and I forgot which helmets were ours...
08:17
and put on the ointment ones by accident!
08:18
So he's going crazy with his head all burning up!
08:21
[ Laughs ]
08:23
And of course, I couldn't feel a thing because of all the steroids I was on.
08:26
Steroids?
08:30
Rob Mcclanahan, the U.S. hockey team is on a roll no one expected
08:34
How are you playing so well?
08:36
Well you know were all about the team.
08:38
We focus on fundamentals and listen to what coach tells us.
08:41
I'll kill your mother! [ Screaming ]
08:49
The team was on steroids? - Not the team, just me.
08:53
I couldn't get on the ice without my old Uncle Roi...d.
08:57
I don't believe this!
08:58
Believe it! That's why my penis is so small.
09:00
But you know what? Worth it.
09:02
This is the only thing I need to dangle to get the ladies.
09:11
You cheated!
09:12
Yes, of course I cheated. It's what I do best.
09:15
That and this.
09:16
Do do do do, do do do Byoo-byoo ♪
09:18
Do do do do, do do do Byoo-byoo ♪
09:20
[ Clanging ]
09:23
[ Sobbing ]
09:26
Thought I heard you in here.
09:28
Having a good old-fashioned night cry, huh?
09:31
You want Mr. Cryceratops?
09:33
[ Sobbing ] - That's right. Feed him your tears.
09:36
Yes. You're good with him.
09:39
Roger was on steroids the whole time.
09:41
The team never should have won that gold medal.
09:44
I don't know what to do. Do I tell people the truth?
09:47
That one of the greatest moments in American history has been a lie?
09:54
That's it.
09:56
I have to go ask the one true hero I have left what he thinks I should do.
10:00
Ronald Reagan.
10:02
But he's dead. - Dead, but not unreachable.
10:05
Like Gandalf the Grey when he came back as Gandalf the White!
10:09
Oh, Son, every day with you is a punch in the nads.
10:16
And that's my situation, Mrs. Reagan.
10:18
So I need to know, what would Ronnie do?
10:21
Well, let's ask him.
10:23
[ Gibberish ]
10:27
"Medal... back."
10:30
Reagan wants me to give the medal back! Come on, Son!
10:37
When will these idiots leave me alone?
10:40
People coming here all hours of the day wanting to talk to Ronnie.
10:44
Why do you keep lying to them?
10:46
You don't get paid to ask questions, Paul.
10:48
You're a Secret Service man.
10:50
Now... service me.
10:52
[ Muttering ]
10:59
Just spoke to the pilot.
11:01
We should be landing at the International Olympic Committee headquarters in Switzerland...
11:04
in a half hour. - So, Roger, you're okay with giving your medal back?
11:07
Look, when Stan first told me, sure I might have been a tad upset.
11:10
But then I decided if the good name of Chex Lemeneux is gonna be tarnished...
11:14
then let it be Chex Lemeneux who tarnishes It.
11:17
stan, if you would, just let me hold her one last time.
11:22
Good-bye, old friend.
11:24
I never thought it would end like this.
11:26
I always thought I'd end up selling you for meth.
11:28
But there's nothing noble about this.
11:30
Excuse me. I need to use the restroom before we land.
11:34
Uh-uh, I don't want you to take the medal in there. I Know you don't wash your hands.
11:38
You don't have to every single time.
11:40
The only time my hands get dirty is when I drop my sandwich in the toilet bowl.
11:48
I'm surprised at Roger's attitude.
11:49
I was too. I think he genuinely feels bad about this whole thing.
11:53
He can't ever totally make up for what he did, but it seems like he wants to try.
11:58
He finally seems to understand the difference between right and wrong.
12:02
[ Screaming ]
12:12
[ Stan ] Roger!
12:13
Roger?
12:14
Roger, where are you?
12:20
We have to push on if we're gonna make it to the I.O.C.
12:23
Reagan wants me to return the medal, and that's what we're going to do.
12:26
But Roger? - If he survived, he'll meet us there.
12:29
If he didn't, he'd still want us to make things right.
12:34
Shouldn't we spend at least two minutes looking for him?
12:41
The Smithses takes the Precious from us.
12:45
Precious Is "ourses."
12:49
Oh, what a beautiful "ringses."
12:53
Wait, this turns people invisible?
12:56
Who needs to be invisible in the middle of nowhere?
12:58
Where were you when I farted at Danny's wedding?
13:01
[ Clinking ]
13:03
♪ she call me Mr. Bombastic Very fantastic
13:07
♪ [I Continues ] - You having a good time?
13:08
You enjoy that funnel cake I got you?
13:11
So I'm trying to give up soda.
13:13
It is hard! My Lord, it is hard!
13:16
Listen, thanks for this, but I'm pretty tired. I'm gonna go. Hey!
13:21
Yo, man! Apologize to the lady!
13:24
Reginald, it's okay. Just let it go.
13:26
Check your skank, tiny marsupial!
13:32
Hold my chain.
13:34
[ Grunts ]
13:38
Have some!
13:41
[ Man #1 ] Damn! - [ Man #2 ] Holy moly!
13:43
Say you're sorry to the lady. - I'm sorry.
13:46
Say it so all these nice people can hear you.
13:48
I'm sorry!
13:50
Whoo! - All right!
13:52
Wow! No one's ever stood up for me like that before. - No?
13:55
Well, it's not easy to beat down a fool and still look—
13:58
Cute as a button
14:08
Master wants to take the Precious from us. You mean the medal?
14:12
He plans to destroy our Precious.
14:15
Okay, first of all, say it, don't spray it. second, I agree with you.
14:18
We must kills master and gets the Precious back.
14:22
Wow, look at you! You are brassy!
14:25
We leads them through the tunnel to the jugendherberger.
14:29
She likes to drink the nectar.
14:31
When they go in, they won't comes back out!
14:34
[ Sinister Laugh ]
14:36
[ Stan ] Roger, you're alive!
14:37
What happened to your hair?
14:39
What? Nothing. It burned off in the crash.
14:41
I like it. You like it?
14:43
No. It looks really bad.
14:45
Well, fuck you.
14:46
Hey, how crazy was that plane crash, huh?
14:48
Luckily no one died but the pilot. - What happened to you?
14:51
Well, landed in a tree, was impaled on a branch...
14:53
pulled it out, turned it into my walking stick—
14:55
very proud of that— lost it— devastated— and here we are.
14:59
Luckily, I Know this mountain from all my I.O.C. ski trips.
15:02
In fact, I Know a shortcut to the top.
15:04
Fantastic! - That's great, Roger!
15:06
They goes up but they won't comes back down.
15:10
[ Steve ] What did you say?
15:11
I asked if you wanted to buy some weed.
15:14
I said it in a weird voice so your dad wouldn't hear.
15:16
But now he did, so you blew the deal.
15:20
It was good weed, Steveses.
15:30
It's just through here.
15:33
Roger? - [ Roger Laughing ]
15:37
Something's not right. - [I Rhythmic Thumping ]
15:39
Shh. Listen.
15:41
[ Rhythmic Thumping Continues ]
15:43
It's coming from up there.
15:46
They'll never escape her clutches.
15:49
[ Dance ] - [ Chattering ]
15:53
Where are we? - The youth hostel, silly.
15:59
Yes, we are dancing! Wonderful!
16:04
I am Olga. Welcome to my jugendherberge.
16:08
I will make you drink so much you will never want to leave this place.
16:12
No! No! I need my wits!
16:16
[ Glass Shatters ] - Ohh.
16:18
Und now hachenscherflaggenschlager.
16:21
[ Groans ]
16:23
The Precious is mine! Mine! [ Laughing ]
16:29
He... betrayed me.
16:32
It's over. He's won.
16:38
[ Gasps ] Circa 1980 Ronald Reagan!
16:42
Don't give up, Stan.
16:43
You must take the medal to the I.O.C....
16:46
and destroy it by throwing it into the Olympic torch.
16:48
I won't let you down.
16:50
Wow, look at me talking to my hero.
16:53
This could not possibly get any better.
16:55
Oh, no? How about sharing a Nathan's hot dog with the Gipper?
17:02
When I wake up, there better not be a wang slapping me in the face.
17:06
[ Dance]
17:08
Get up! The time for beer bongs is now!
17:12
[ Grunts ] - [ Laughing ]
17:16
[ Screams ]
17:18
You lying, thieving cheater!
17:20
You're gonna get what you deserve!
17:21
Where do they keep the British tourist girls?
17:23
[ Snarling ]
17:27
Look, girls, a present!
17:30
Whoo! - Ahh!
17:35
No! They're so horny!
17:44
So we're at the restaurant and ian plucks a hair out of my head...
17:48
and puts it in the spaghetti to try to get us a free meal.
17:51
You know what the problem is? You're dating a boy.
17:53
What you need to be doing is dating a grown-ass man.
17:57
Well, it's late. I better head home.
18:00
Good night, Hayley. - Good night, Reggie.
18:02
I had a great time tonight.
18:05
Mmm. - Whoa, girl! That's the cognac talking.
18:08
I'm all up in your head right now.
18:10
You're a little bit excited. You saw Reggie get a little loose today.
18:13
I Know what I'm doing. - Hayley, I'm seeing someone.
18:15
Oh! Y-You never mentioned that.
18:18
Well, I didn't think it was relevant. We were hanging out as friends.
18:21
Look, do I know if it's gonna work out with my lady friend?
18:23
No, I don't. But I have to respect Rhonda.
18:26
If I didn't, I'd be just like those boys you run around with down at the school yard.
18:30
Wow! That's really honorable. she's a lucky lady.
18:35
But I want you to know two things.
18:37
I sleep with my door unlocked and this just happened.
18:45
Whoo! She got the drop on old Reggie.
18:47
Caught those full in the face.
18:49
Those were guns, Reggie'd be dead.
18:58
There it is!
19:08
[ Screams ]
19:11
No! Precious is mine!
19:25
[ Laughing ]
19:34
Yeah. So that's not real fire.
19:36
It's a fan blowing luminescent plastic strips.
19:38
Hey, what you guys doing?
19:40
[ Gasps ]
19:42
Sir, brace yourself.
19:45
I have some sad and shocking information...
19:47
about the 1980 men's U.S. hockey team.
19:50
I have discovered that one of the players was on steroids.
19:55
Which is why I brought this back to you.
19:57
We didn't earn it and we don't deserve it.
20:00
Yeah, I'm not taking that.
20:01
What? - Huh? - Yay!
20:03
Listen, man, we're the Winter Olympics. No one gives a crap about us.
20:07
The Miracle on Ice franchise keeps the lights on in this place.
20:10
But Ronald Reagan himself told me to come here and return this.
20:14
Oh, Reagan knew about the steroids. - He did?
20:17
Oh, yeah. But he also knew how huge that victory was for the U.S.
20:20
So he persuaded us to look the other way.
20:24
That's why we have the Ron Reagan memorial hot tub.
20:27
Get your asses in this tub right now!
20:36
[ Laughing ]
20:39
I can't believe it.
20:40
Both my heroes betrayed me.
20:43
Oh, Dad, Reagan and the hockey team made mistakes just like we all do.
20:48
But the good they did still inspired you to become who you are today.
20:52
It's okay to have heroes. Just don't follow and worship them blindly.
20:56
Yeah, I suppose heroes are just normal people who—
20:59
[ Growls ]
21:01
[ Screaming ]
21:04
Oh! Fuck!
21:06
Roger, what did you do that for? You already have the medal!
21:09
I don't know. They did it in the movie. - [ Screaming ]
21:12
I mean, if we're gonna go for it, let's go for it. - [ Screaming ]
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
