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i've failed as a father.
S07E02 Son of Stan
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Klaus ] Previously on American Dad.
00:34
[ Hayley ] 'Dear Mom and Dad
00:35
I realized I'm still in love with Jeff Fischer...
00:38
which is why we've decided to elope."
00:41
[ Stan ] I'm offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding.
00:46
Let's go get that reward money, people!
00:49
[ Cheering ]
00:55
[ Klaus Chuckles ] Ouch,
00:57
After a few twists and turns...
00:59
Jeff and Hayley outsmarted Stan and eloped anyways—
01:02
with Stan's 50K.
01:04
Well, you're all up to speed.
01:06
So just sit back, put down your G.E.D. paperwork, and enjoy the show, stupid.
01:11
[ Woman Sobbing ]
01:14
We're here to honor those who died in the tragic bus crash.
01:18
Members of our community we could never possibly forget.
01:22
Like Bobby the Bullet— - [ Crowd Sobbing ]
01:24
Koko, Brett...
01:26
and, of course, Clown with Glasses.
01:29
[ Sobbing ] Clown with Glasses!
01:32
[ Sobbing ]
01:34
You lost someone too?
01:36
My daughter.
01:37
Yeah, she ran off and got married...
01:39
and hasn't called us in six weeks.
01:42
At least you know where your loved one is.
01:44
[ Wailing ]
01:48
[ Honks ]
01:50
Duper? I thought you died in the bus crash.
01:53
I did. But it turns out...
01:55
the C.I.A.'s been working on...
01:56
this new cloning thing, and here I am.
01:58
You're a— a clone?
02:01
Exactly the same in every way.
02:03
Except this guy was married to some ugly bitch.
02:07
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - [ Gasps ] Maybe it's Hayley!
02:09
Hayley? - No, it's Roger.
02:10
Roger, can I call you back? - You don't have to. I'm right next to you.
02:13
You didn't see me setting all this stuff up?
02:16
Now we're in the same scene.
02:17
Thanks, Don. I'm done with this.
02:21
Still broken up about Hayley, huh?
02:23
Well, don't you worry. I'm gonna find her.
02:25
And bring her back to us? - No, I'm gonna find her...
02:27
and steal that $50,000 she took from you.
02:30
And I promise you, I'm gonna spend it all on myself...
02:32
at Burt Longhorn's Western Wear Depot.
02:35
Look at me. Stan. Stan. Look at me.
02:38
That's a promise.
02:41
Observation deck, please. - [ Bell Dings ]
02:49
Honey, what are you doing in here? I thought we agreed not to go in this room.
02:53
Oh, Stan, I just miss Hayley so much.
02:55
Thought I'd come in and tidy up.
02:58
Throw away her expired condoms.
03:01
They're un-lubed.
03:03
she's good to go. [ Sobs ]
03:05
Just like her mother.
03:07
[ Sighs ] We raised a junior college dropout...
03:10
who stole 50 grand from us and eloped with a stoner hippie.
03:13
Face it, slick. We failed as parents, even by Appalachian standards.
03:17
Hi. I'm back from school.
03:19
I'm gonna watch TV and try to forget about the wedgie I suffered at lunch today.
03:23
Ah, my butt hole.
03:26
No TV. You've got homework to do.
03:28
Oh, Stan, he's been in class all day.
03:30
Let him relax and unwind.
03:32
You're too lenient, Francine. That's probably why Hayley left us.
03:35
Excuse me? - Homework, now.
03:37
If Hayley left because of anybody, it was You.
03:41
You're too strict, and it drove her away.
03:43
TV, now!
03:45
Whatever. I gotta get a Popsicle in the old starfish.
03:48
[ Groaning ]
03:52
Listen to me. Children need structure and discipline.
03:55
No. Kids need space to make their own mistakes and learn from them.
03:59
Well, there's only one way to settle this.
04:01
First one across the finish line decides how we raise Steve.
04:08
Deal. [ Rock ] - [Man ] [ Takin' a chance
04:10
riskin' it all f
04:12
For the thrill of the moment
04:15
Takin' a stand ♪
04:17
You aint gonna fall'
04:19
And you've always known it,
04:22
[ Cheering ]
04:24
I guess I was wrong about you, Robbie. You do have what it takes to be radical.
04:28
Thanks a lot, Trace.
04:29
sorry we bullied you when you moved here from the big city after your dad died.
04:33
You can ride with us anytime.
04:36
♪ Cause there's thunder in your heart
04:38
[ Cheering ]
04:40
Every move is like lightning
04:45
Finally, it's our turn.
04:48
[ Grunting ]
04:49
[ Groans ]
04:52
Does this mean I won, or should I keep going?
04:56
I... cannot... continue.
04:59
Yes! We raise Steve my way.
05:02
I'm from the big city!
05:04
[ Laughing ]
05:08
[ Muttering ]
05:10
You're not really going after the $50,000, are you?
05:13
You have no idea where Hayley is.
05:15
Patience, fish. To find a stoned loser...
05:18
I must become a stoned loser.
05:21
Watch and learn.
05:24
[ Bong Burbling ]
05:30
[ Lighter Clicks ]
05:31
[ Burbling Continues ]
05:38
[ Straining ]
05:41
[ Exhales Deeply ] Okay.
05:47
Not sure this stuff is workin'. I don't feel any—
05:49
Ah [ Moaning ]
05:52
[ Chuckling ]
05:59
mmm! [ Rock ] - [I Man Singing, indistinct ]
06:08
[ Gasps ]
06:10
Roger? - What the hell are you doing in Thailand?
06:13
Oh, my God. It worked!
06:15
Thailand, huh? I'd like three 12-year-old boys. No M.S.G.
06:21
Stand up straight. Wipe your glasses. Tuck in your shirt.
06:24
stan! You agreed Steve would be raised my way.
06:28
You're not allowed to be strict with him.
06:30
I'm not being strict with Steve. Steve's out there.
06:35
You won the race, so you can raise Steve however you like.
06:39
This is a clone I had made at the C.I.A., for me to raise how I like.
06:44
I'm calling him Steve-arino. - Hi, Mom.
06:46
[ Gasps ] - Pretty great, huh?
06:48
I also cloned world famous comedian John Leguizamo.
06:51
'Zamo, do an impression.
06:53
Okay. Uh, this is my cousin Keisha from the block.
06:56
[ High-pitched Voice ] Hey, I'm Keisha from the block!
06:58
I don't Know, John. I don't know anyone like that.
07:07
Stan, how could you clone Steve?
07:09
I was in a pickle. You won the right to raise Steve your way...
07:12
but my way is far superior.
07:14
So this was your solution?
07:16
What was I supposed to do, welsh on a B.M.X. race?
07:19
Get the B.M.X. people involved? The Council of Twelve? I'm not going before them again.
07:23
Wow. I have a clone?
07:25
We should buy matching capes and invent our own creepy language.
07:28
And do jazz tap routines.
07:32
They're identical, right down to their memories and emotions.
07:36
So from here on, how they turn out is totally based on their upbringing.
07:39
Gabba lakti-mo?
07:41
Sheb wawa, sheb wawa
07:43
[ Laughing ]
07:46
Stan, this is insane.
07:48
No, it's perfect. You can raise Steve your way...
07:50
and I'll raise Steve-arino my way.
07:52
We'll see which one turns out better...
07:54
and the other one we'll just put down.
07:56
What? - [ Laughing ] We'll figure it out.
07:57
What? - [ Laughing ] We'll figure it out.
07:59
Boys, come over here.
08:01
Steve-arino, I'll be parenting you exclusively from now on.
08:04
There will be a lot of rules, homework and exercise.
08:08
But trust me, in time...
08:10
I'll mold you into a buff, athletic model student.
08:13
Every boy will want to be you. Every girl will want to be inside you.
08:17
That sounds great!
08:18
I'll just make a slight adjustment so we can tell you boys apart.
08:22
What about me, Dad? - Steve, your mother will be raising you...
08:25
which unfortunately means...
08:27
that your life will suck worse than Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider.
08:30
All right. That's it.
08:32
If you think you're so much better at parenting than me, we'll do your stupid plan.
08:37
May the best Steve win.
08:39
Wait. So I don't have to follow any of Dad's rules?
08:42
That's right, honey. - Yeah!
08:44
I'm gonna go have a Gardenburger.
08:46
Maybe it'll turn me gay, maybe it won't.
08:48
I guess we'll just let fate decide.
08:55
Beer for the newlyweds. Let's cut to the chase.
08:57
I'm here to steal your 50 grand. - What?
09:00
Hand it over, or I will set in motion the most brilliant...
09:03
elegant plan I've ever come up with.
09:05
No. It's our money, and we're making it last.
09:08
Yeah, we're gonna use it to start our new life:
09:10
selling both realistic and unrealistic wolf masks.
09:13
[ Groans ] Very well then.
09:15
The plan it is.
09:17
Myeeeah!
09:20
Myeeeah!
09:23
This is your elegant plan?
09:25
You think I'm gonna give you the money to get you to stop making that noise?
09:28
Myeeeah!
09:31
Yes, I'm Myeeeah. Did you want to try paragliding?
09:38
[ Groans ] I stayed up until 3:00 playing Night Manager...
09:40
the most realistic retail-themed video game on the market.
09:43
Huh. Sounds productive. We went hiking at dawn this morning.
09:47
There we are. Egg whites and soy toast for my little achiever.
09:51
What do I get for breakfast? - Anything you want, honey.
09:55
Uh, okay.
09:56
How about chocolate chip pancakes?
09:59
And... wine?
10:01
Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay.
10:03
The Delta Burke breakfast It is.
10:07
Put this on, Steve-arino. You start your first day of military school in an hour.
10:11
Military school? - You want those dividends, don't ya?
10:14
The muscles? The brains? Then you have to trust me.
10:17
Uh, I trust you, Dad. - Attaboy!
10:23
Ahhh. I think I'll take up swearing.
10:27
Shh-balls.
10:29
And so it begins.
10:33
[ Rock ]
10:36
[ Beeping ]
10:45
[Man] - He got secular joy
10:47
[ Electronic Twittering ]
10:51
He's a peculiar boy.
10:54
[ Typing ]
10:58
But now the luster has gone,'
11:00
The peculiar boy is no more!
11:04
[ Whirring ] - [ Beeps ]
11:06
Who'll save him from being a man?' Not me
11:10
He got precious youth
11:15
[ Tarts ]
11:18
But forsaken, forsooth
11:28
Welcome home, Father. We won the big game against Saint John's...
11:31
and I scored a touchdown.
11:33
That's great, Son. Isn't that great, Francine?
11:36
[ Steve ] Big deal.
11:39
Like, you're so great with your stupid trophy. I have a trophy too.
11:45
It's the Spanky Award.
11:48
That's right. He got it for pulling it 11 times in one day.
11:52
Thirteen, if you count ghost loads.
11:54
Father, may I watch television with Steve?
11:57
No can do, Son. You got an A-minus in biology.
12:00
If you get that grade up, I'll let you watch a full hour of Fox News...
12:03
or city council meetings on Channel 36.
12:05
Great! I'll go hit the books!
12:08
Face it, Francine. My parenting is superior.
12:11
In three months, I've turned Steve-arino into an exceptional young man.
12:15
Meanwhile, you've turned your Steve into—
12:20
Oh, look at that. He's starting a nose-mining company.
12:23
Steve will find his way.
12:25
Shut... up, Mom!
12:27
Get... me... chips!
12:30
[ Burps, Farts ]
12:32
Oh, knocking off early. You can do that when you own your own business.
12:36
[ Snoring ]
12:41
Myeeeah!
12:44
Myeeeah!
12:46
Myeeeah!
12:48
I can't take it anymore!
12:50
Get a hold of yourself! I told you, I have a plan. Did you pack your stuff?
12:55
Good. Things should be getting better right about—
13:05
[ Chuckles ] So long, sucker!
13:08
Are you crazy, pushing me in the pool?
13:10
I had 40 hits of ecstasy in my pocket.
13:13
Buckle up, kids. They're gonna have to go to the hospital.
13:16
[ Ship Horn Blows ] - This boat is awesome, babe.
13:19
And we're the only passengers aboard.
13:23
[ Over Speaker ] Myeeeah!
13:24
Oh, my God! Run!
13:27
Myeeeah! - [ Shouts ]
13:32
Myeeeah! - [ Both Scream ]
13:34
Myeeeah! - [ Both Scream ]
13:36
[ Whirring ]
13:40
Steve-arino's gonna be so excited.
13:43
It's time for his first drug test.
13:47
¡Santa María!
13:49
What did you do to Steve-arino's bedroom?
13:52
Me? I haven't been off this couch in two weeks.
13:55
It's my bedroom, my bathroom and my lover.
13:59
[ Sniffs ]
14:01
Well, where's Steve-arino? - Took off this morning. Left a note.
14:05
"Father, I can no longer tolerate your oppressive treatment.
14:08
I'm leaving and never coming back.
14:11
All the best, Steve-arino.
14:13
P.S. I will be dropping the 'arino' from my name...
14:15
as I am not a character from Welcome Back Kotter."
14:18
Ha! You drove him off, just like you drove Hayley off.
14:22
I'm the better parent.
14:24
Oh, my God. It's true.
14:27
i've failed as a father.
14:29
You can still be a good dad.
14:32
If you get me some more nachos, fat ass.
14:38
And don't skimp on the chili peppers.
14:40
I want my farts to hurt!
14:43
[ Tarts ]
14:44
[ Scoffs ] Weak.
14:53
Steve, get your feet off the table. - Mom says I don't have to.
14:56
Well, I say— -
14:56
Well, I say— - Mom!
14:57
Dad's trying to get me to run away, like all your other kids!
15:00
Stan, leave him alone. Steve, I got your lunch.
15:03
That is, if you want to go to school today.
15:05
I'll put it in your knapsack. - Don't touch that!
15:08
[ Screams ]
15:10
Good Lord!
15:12
He mutilates innocent cats.
15:15
Yes! You raised a monster! Steve-arino only ran away. I'm the better parent.
15:19
Steve, I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for you.
15:24
[ Gasps ] - Steve-arino?
15:27
Hi, Dad.
15:28
Why are you dressed as Steve? - It's simple really.
15:31
I hated all your rules and wanted Steve's easy life.
15:34
So I faked running away and took his place.
15:36
Check this out. Getting fancy!
15:40
Great, Stan.
15:42
You turned your Steve into a cat-killing psychopath...
15:45
and I have no idea where my Steve—
15:48
Will you stop doing that!
15:51
What did you do with Steve?
15:53
I got him locked away. I was keeping him alive...
15:55
in case I ever needed some spare body parts...
15:57
but now that the cat's out of the bag—
16:00
[ Chuckles ] I'm gonna kill him.
16:02
You little— [ Groans ]
16:06
Damn his athleticism!
16:08
I swear, every time I help someone strengthen their core, it comes back to haunt me.
16:12
We have to follow him to Steve. - How?
16:15
He's going through the woods. We can't keep up with him on foot.
16:19
[ Rock ]
16:21
[Man] ♪ Youre takin' a chance. Riskin' it all f
16:25
For the thrill of the moment
16:29
Takin' a stand You ain't gonna fall ♪
16:32
Youve always Known it
16:36
Theyre dying to shake you ♪
16:40
He's heading to Dangerous Jump Pass.
16:42
And though the going is rough, youre going home as a hero
16:49
♪ Cause there's thunder in your heart
16:52
Every move is like lightning ♪
16:56
it's the power you feel when you get your taste
16:59
[ Air Hisses ] - * Of the glory.
17:03
-,* There's a fire gonna start - [ Screaming ]
17:07
And you Know theyre going under
17:10
[ Slow, Distorted Shout ]
17:15
Radical!
17:20
He's headed for the old magazine factory.
17:29
What if he finds us? - We've taken six flights since we ditched the boat, okay?
17:33
There's no way— - Myeeeah?
17:35
Don't you start. - No, Myeeeah.
17:38
It's Myeeeah, activities director from Golden Mango Resort.
17:42
Myeeeah!
17:49
Myeeeah!
17:51
Myeeeah!
17:53
All right, all right! Take the money.
17:55
Just, God, stop making that sound.
17:57
[ Laughs ] Yes!
18:00
I told you I'd get the money. Wait, wait. Where did it all go?
18:03
We spent it trying to get away from you, you dumb-ass.
18:06
Oh. [ Sighs ] Looks like my work is done here.
18:09
On to the next grand adventure!
18:12
Change the backdrop, Don.
18:14
India, the birthplace of diarrhea.
18:18
[ Screams ]
18:20
[ Thuds ]
18:26
[ Meowing ]
18:34
[ Muffled Speech ]
18:35
[ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Cat Screeches ] I]
18:37
Welcome to my little refuge.
18:40
[ Screeches ] - Steve-arino!
18:42
I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad.
18:44
All the running. All the studying.
18:46
All the planning for your Christian camp.
18:49
I Know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not gonna happen!
18:53
We can't get the permits!
18:55
Steve-arino, you let Steve go and stop this at once.
18:58
Stan, being strict is what made him this way in the first place.
19:04
Look. Steve-arino,
19:07
I Know I've been too hard on you.
19:10
From here on out, I promise to let you do whatever you want, whenever you want.
19:15
Really?
19:17
Really. You name it.
19:19
I want to kill Steve. - Okay.
19:21
[ Francine ] I Stan! - Right, right, right.
19:23
[ Groans ]
19:28
[ Screeching ]
19:29
[ Grunting ]
19:32
[ Screaming ]
19:37
[ Screams ]
19:38
[ Thuds ]
19:41
What a waste. Those were brand-new sneakers.
19:46
Oh, well, hey, they'll fit Steve.
19:48
[ Gasps ] Steve!
19:51
About time. It's 4:00.
19:54
Where are my 4:00 nachos?
19:56
I got this one.
19:59
Steven Smith, I am your mother!
20:02
If you don't get out of that cage...
20:04
I will push you back up my clown hole...
20:07
and birth you again and name you My Bitch!
20:09
Now get out of that cage!
20:15
I guess Steve needs both of our parenting styles to balance him out.
20:19
You're right. And you know what? We gotta stop beating ourselves up...
20:21
over Hayley running off with Jeff.
20:23
[ Shouts ]
20:24
Miss me? - No!
20:27
Now to finish what I started.
20:29
[ Whimpering ]
20:31
[ Chuckling ]
20:35
Steve, hit the deck!
20:39
[ Thuds ]
20:42
Come on, Steve. Let's go get you those nachos.
20:44
You can eat them after you do your homework.
20:53
[ Wind Whistling ]
20:55
[ Grunts ]
20:57
[ Growls ]
21:00
[ Grunting ]
21:06
[ Cocks ]
21:08
I'll see you in hell.
21:11
[ Gunshot ]
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
