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S07E02 Son of Stan

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00:05 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08 I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11 The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14 And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20 Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24 Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29 [[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32 [ Klaus ] Previously on American Dad.
00:34 [ Hayley ] 'Dear Mom and Dad
00:35 I realized I'm still in love with Jeff Fischer...
00:38 which is why we've decided to elope."
00:41 [ Stan ] I'm offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding.
00:46 Let's go get that reward money, people!
00:49 [ Cheering ]
00:55 [ Klaus Chuckles ] Ouch,
00:57 After a few twists and turns...
00:59 Jeff and Hayley outsmarted Stan and eloped anyways—
01:02 with Stan's 50K.
01:04 Well, you're all up to speed.
01:06 So just sit back, put down your G.E.D. paperwork, and enjoy the show, stupid.
01:11 [ Woman Sobbing ]
01:14 We're here to honor those who died in the tragic bus crash.
01:18 Members of our community we could never possibly forget.
01:22 Like Bobby the Bullet— - [ Crowd Sobbing ]
01:24 Koko, Brett...
01:26 and, of course, Clown with Glasses.
01:29 [ Sobbing ] Clown with Glasses!
01:32 [ Sobbing ]
01:34 You lost someone too?
01:36 My daughter.
01:37 Yeah, she ran off and got married...
01:39 and hasn't called us in six weeks.
01:42 At least you know where your loved one is.
01:44 [ Wailing ]
01:48 [ Honks ]
01:50 Duper? I thought you died in the bus crash.
01:53 I did. But it turns out...
01:55 the C.I.A.'s been working on...
01:56 this new cloning thing, and here I am.
01:58 You're a— a clone?
02:01 Exactly the same in every way.
02:03 Except this guy was married to some ugly bitch.
02:07 [ Cell Phone Rings ] - [ Gasps ] Maybe it's Hayley!
02:09 Hayley? - No, it's Roger.
02:10 Roger, can I call you back? - You don't have to. I'm right next to you.
02:13 You didn't see me setting all this stuff up?
02:16 Now we're in the same scene.
02:17 Thanks, Don. I'm done with this.
02:21 Still broken up about Hayley, huh?
02:23 Well, don't you worry. I'm gonna find her.
02:25 And bring her back to us? - No, I'm gonna find her...
02:27 and steal that $50,000 she took from you.
02:30 And I promise you, I'm gonna spend it all on myself...
02:32 at Burt Longhorn's Western Wear Depot.
02:35 Look at me. Stan. Stan. Look at me.
02:38 That's a promise.
02:41 Observation deck, please. - [ Bell Dings ]
02:49 Honey, what are you doing in here? I thought we agreed not to go in this room.
02:53 Oh, Stan, I just miss Hayley so much.
02:55 Thought I'd come in and tidy up.
02:58 Throw away her expired condoms.
03:01 They're un-lubed.
03:03 she's good to go. [ Sobs ]
03:05 Just like her mother.
03:07 [ Sighs ] We raised a junior college dropout...
03:10 who stole 50 grand from us and eloped with a stoner hippie.
03:13 Face it, slick. We failed as parents, even by Appalachian standards.
03:17 Hi. I'm back from school.
03:19 I'm gonna watch TV and try to forget about the wedgie I suffered at lunch today.
03:23 Ah, my butt hole.
03:26 No TV. You've got homework to do.
03:28 Oh, Stan, he's been in class all day.
03:30 Let him relax and unwind.
03:32 You're too lenient, Francine. That's probably why Hayley left us.
03:35 Excuse me? - Homework, now.
03:37 If Hayley left because of anybody, it was You.
03:41 You're too strict, and it drove her away.
03:43 TV, now!
03:45 Whatever. I gotta get a Popsicle in the old starfish.
03:48 [ Groaning ]
03:52 Listen to me. Children need structure and discipline.
03:55 No. Kids need space to make their own mistakes and learn from them.
03:59 Well, there's only one way to settle this.
04:01 First one across the finish line decides how we raise Steve.
04:08 Deal. [ Rock ] - [Man ] [ Takin' a chance
04:10 riskin' it all f
04:12 For the thrill of the moment
04:15 Takin' a stand ♪
04:17 You aint gonna fall'
04:19 And you've always known it,
04:22 [ Cheering ]
04:24 I guess I was wrong about you, Robbie. You do have what it takes to be radical.
04:28 Thanks a lot, Trace.
04:29 sorry we bullied you when you moved here from the big city after your dad died.
04:33 You can ride with us anytime.
04:36 ♪ Cause there's thunder in your heart
04:38 [ Cheering ]
04:40 Every move is like lightning
04:45 Finally, it's our turn.
04:48 [ Grunting ]
04:49 [ Groans ]
04:52 Does this mean I won, or should I keep going?
04:56 I... cannot... continue.
04:59 Yes! We raise Steve my way.
05:02 I'm from the big city!
05:04 [ Laughing ]
05:08 [ Muttering ]
05:10 You're not really going after the $50,000, are you?
05:13 You have no idea where Hayley is.
05:15 Patience, fish. To find a stoned loser...
05:18 I must become a stoned loser.
05:21 Watch and learn.
05:24 [ Bong Burbling ]
05:30 [ Lighter Clicks ]
05:31 [ Burbling Continues ]
05:38 [ Straining ]
05:41 [ Exhales Deeply ] Okay.
05:47 Not sure this stuff is workin'. I don't feel any—
05:49 Ah [ Moaning ]
05:52 [ Chuckling ]
05:59 mmm! [ Rock ] - [I Man Singing, indistinct ]
06:08 [ Gasps ]
06:10 Roger? - What the hell are you doing in Thailand?
06:13 Oh, my God. It worked!
06:15 Thailand, huh? I'd like three 12-year-old boys. No M.S.G.
06:21 Stand up straight. Wipe your glasses. Tuck in your shirt.
06:24 stan! You agreed Steve would be raised my way.
06:28 You're not allowed to be strict with him.
06:30 I'm not being strict with Steve. Steve's out there.
06:35 You won the race, so you can raise Steve however you like.
06:39 This is a clone I had made at the C.I.A., for me to raise how I like.
06:44 I'm calling him Steve-arino. - Hi, Mom.
06:46 [ Gasps ] - Pretty great, huh?
06:48 I also cloned world famous comedian John Leguizamo.
06:51 'Zamo, do an impression.
06:53 Okay. Uh, this is my cousin Keisha from the block.
06:56 [ High-pitched Voice ] Hey, I'm Keisha from the block!
06:58 I don't Know, John. I don't know anyone like that.
07:07 Stan, how could you clone Steve?
07:09 I was in a pickle. You won the right to raise Steve your way...
07:12 but my way is far superior.
07:14 So this was your solution?
07:16 What was I supposed to do, welsh on a B.M.X. race?
07:19 Get the B.M.X. people involved? The Council of Twelve? I'm not going before them again.
07:23 Wow. I have a clone?
07:25 We should buy matching capes and invent our own creepy language.
07:28 And do jazz tap routines.
07:32 They're identical, right down to their memories and emotions.
07:36 So from here on, how they turn out is totally based on their upbringing.
07:39 Gabba lakti-mo?
07:41 Sheb wawa, sheb wawa
07:43 [ Laughing ]
07:46 Stan, this is insane.
07:48 No, it's perfect. You can raise Steve your way...
07:50 and I'll raise Steve-arino my way.
07:52 We'll see which one turns out better...
07:54 and the other one we'll just put down.
07:56 What? - [ Laughing ] We'll figure it out.
07:57 What? - [ Laughing ] We'll figure it out.
07:59 Boys, come over here.
08:01 Steve-arino, I'll be parenting you exclusively from now on.
08:04 There will be a lot of rules, homework and exercise.
08:08 But trust me, in time...
08:10 I'll mold you into a buff, athletic model student.
08:13 Every boy will want to be you. Every girl will want to be inside you.
08:17 That sounds great!
08:18 I'll just make a slight adjustment so we can tell you boys apart.
08:22 What about me, Dad? - Steve, your mother will be raising you...
08:25 which unfortunately means...
08:27 that your life will suck worse than Nicolas Cage in Ghost Rider.
08:30 All right. That's it.
08:32 If you think you're so much better at parenting than me, we'll do your stupid plan.
08:37 May the best Steve win.
08:39 Wait. So I don't have to follow any of Dad's rules?
08:42 That's right, honey. - Yeah!
08:44 I'm gonna go have a Gardenburger.
08:46 Maybe it'll turn me gay, maybe it won't.
08:48 I guess we'll just let fate decide.
08:55 Beer for the newlyweds. Let's cut to the chase.
08:57 I'm here to steal your 50 grand. - What?
09:00 Hand it over, or I will set in motion the most brilliant...
09:03 elegant plan I've ever come up with.
09:05 No. It's our money, and we're making it last.
09:08 Yeah, we're gonna use it to start our new life:
09:10 selling both realistic and unrealistic wolf masks.
09:13 [ Groans ] Very well then.
09:15 The plan it is.
09:17 Myeeeah!
09:20 Myeeeah!
09:23 This is your elegant plan?
09:25 You think I'm gonna give you the money to get you to stop making that noise?
09:28 Myeeeah!
09:31 Yes, I'm Myeeeah. Did you want to try paragliding?
09:38 [ Groans ] I stayed up until 3:00 playing Night Manager...
09:40 the most realistic retail-themed video game on the market.
09:43 Huh. Sounds productive. We went hiking at dawn this morning.
09:47 There we are. Egg whites and soy toast for my little achiever.
09:51 What do I get for breakfast? - Anything you want, honey.
09:55 Uh, okay.
09:56 How about chocolate chip pancakes?
09:59 And... wine?
10:01 Chocolate chip pancakes and chardonnay.
10:03 The Delta Burke breakfast It is.
10:07 Put this on, Steve-arino. You start your first day of military school in an hour.
10:11 Military school? - You want those dividends, don't ya?
10:14 The muscles? The brains? Then you have to trust me.
10:17 Uh, I trust you, Dad. - Attaboy!
10:23 Ahhh. I think I'll take up swearing.
10:27 Shh-balls.
10:29 And so it begins.
10:33 [ Rock ]
10:36 [ Beeping ]
10:45 [Man] - He got secular joy
10:47 [ Electronic Twittering ]
10:51 He's a peculiar boy.
10:54 [ Typing ]
10:58 But now the luster has gone,'
11:00 The peculiar boy is no more!
11:04 [ Whirring ] - [ Beeps ]
11:06 Who'll save him from being a man?' Not me
11:10 He got precious youth
11:15 [ Tarts ]
11:18 But forsaken, forsooth
11:28 Welcome home, Father. We won the big game against Saint John's...
11:31 and I scored a touchdown.
11:33 That's great, Son. Isn't that great, Francine?
11:36 [ Steve ] Big deal.
11:39 Like, you're so great with your stupid trophy. I have a trophy too.
11:45 It's the Spanky Award.
11:48 That's right. He got it for pulling it 11 times in one day.
11:52 Thirteen, if you count ghost loads.
11:54 Father, may I watch television with Steve?
11:57 No can do, Son. You got an A-minus in biology.
12:00 If you get that grade up, I'll let you watch a full hour of Fox News...
12:03 or city council meetings on Channel 36.
12:05 Great! I'll go hit the books!
12:08 Face it, Francine. My parenting is superior.
12:11 In three months, I've turned Steve-arino into an exceptional young man.
12:15 Meanwhile, you've turned your Steve into—
12:20 Oh, look at that. He's starting a nose-mining company.
12:23 Steve will find his way.
12:25 Shut... up, Mom!
12:27 Get... me... chips!
12:30 [ Burps, Farts ]
12:32 Oh, knocking off early. You can do that when you own your own business.
12:36 [ Snoring ]
12:41 Myeeeah!
12:44 Myeeeah!
12:46 Myeeeah!
12:48 I can't take it anymore!
12:50 Get a hold of yourself! I told you, I have a plan. Did you pack your stuff?
12:55 Good. Things should be getting better right about—
13:05 [ Chuckles ] So long, sucker!
13:08 Are you crazy, pushing me in the pool?
13:10 I had 40 hits of ecstasy in my pocket.
13:13 Buckle up, kids. They're gonna have to go to the hospital.
13:16 [ Ship Horn Blows ] - This boat is awesome, babe.
13:19 And we're the only passengers aboard.
13:23 [ Over Speaker ] Myeeeah!
13:24 Oh, my God! Run!
13:27 Myeeeah! - [ Shouts ]
13:32 Myeeeah! - [ Both Scream ]
13:34 Myeeeah! - [ Both Scream ]
13:36 [ Whirring ]
13:40 Steve-arino's gonna be so excited.
13:43 It's time for his first drug test.
13:47 ¡Santa María!
13:49 What did you do to Steve-arino's bedroom?
13:52 Me? I haven't been off this couch in two weeks.
13:55 It's my bedroom, my bathroom and my lover.
13:59 [ Sniffs ]
14:01 Well, where's Steve-arino? - Took off this morning. Left a note.
14:05 "Father, I can no longer tolerate your oppressive treatment.
14:08 I'm leaving and never coming back.
14:11 All the best, Steve-arino.
14:13 P.S. I will be dropping the 'arino' from my name...
14:15 as I am not a character from Welcome Back Kotter."
14:18 Ha! You drove him off, just like you drove Hayley off.
14:22 I'm the better parent.
14:24 Oh, my God. It's true.
14:27 i've failed as a father.
14:29 You can still be a good dad.
14:32 If you get me some more nachos, fat ass.
14:38 And don't skimp on the chili peppers.
14:40 I want my farts to hurt!
14:43 [ Tarts ]
14:44 [ Scoffs ] Weak.
14:53 Steve, get your feet off the table. - Mom says I don't have to.
14:56 Well, I say— -
14:56 Well, I say— - Mom!
14:57 Dad's trying to get me to run away, like all your other kids!
15:00 Stan, leave him alone. Steve, I got your lunch.
15:03 That is, if you want to go to school today.
15:05 I'll put it in your knapsack. - Don't touch that!
15:08 [ Screams ]
15:10 Good Lord!
15:12 He mutilates innocent cats.
15:15 Yes! You raised a monster! Steve-arino only ran away. I'm the better parent.
15:19 Steve, I don't know what's going on, but I'm here for you.
15:24 [ Gasps ] - Steve-arino?
15:27 Hi, Dad.
15:28 Why are you dressed as Steve? - It's simple really.
15:31 I hated all your rules and wanted Steve's easy life.
15:34 So I faked running away and took his place.
15:36 Check this out. Getting fancy!
15:40 Great, Stan.
15:42 You turned your Steve into a cat-killing psychopath...
15:45 and I have no idea where my Steve—
15:48 Will you stop doing that!
15:51 What did you do with Steve?
15:53 I got him locked away. I was keeping him alive...
15:55 in case I ever needed some spare body parts...
15:57 but now that the cat's out of the bag—
16:00 [ Chuckles ] I'm gonna kill him.
16:02 You little— [ Groans ]
16:06 Damn his athleticism!
16:08 I swear, every time I help someone strengthen their core, it comes back to haunt me.
16:12 We have to follow him to Steve. - How?
16:15 He's going through the woods. We can't keep up with him on foot.
16:19 [ Rock ]
16:21 [Man] ♪ Youre takin' a chance. Riskin' it all f
16:25 For the thrill of the moment
16:29 Takin' a stand You ain't gonna fall ♪
16:32 Youve always Known it
16:36 Theyre dying to shake you ♪
16:40 He's heading to Dangerous Jump Pass.
16:42 And though the going is rough, youre going home as a hero
16:49 ♪ Cause there's thunder in your heart
16:52 Every move is like lightning ♪
16:56 it's the power you feel when you get your taste
16:59 [ Air Hisses ] - * Of the glory.
17:03 -,* There's a fire gonna start - [ Screaming ]
17:07 And you Know theyre going under
17:10 [ Slow, Distorted Shout ]
17:15 Radical!
17:20 He's headed for the old magazine factory.
17:29 What if he finds us? - We've taken six flights since we ditched the boat, okay?
17:33 There's no way— - Myeeeah?
17:35 Don't you start. - No, Myeeeah.
17:38 It's Myeeeah, activities director from Golden Mango Resort.
17:42 Myeeeah!
17:49 Myeeeah!
17:51 Myeeeah!
17:53 All right, all right! Take the money.
17:55 Just, God, stop making that sound.
17:57 [ Laughs ] Yes!
18:00 I told you I'd get the money. Wait, wait. Where did it all go?
18:03 We spent it trying to get away from you, you dumb-ass.
18:06 Oh. [ Sighs ] Looks like my work is done here.
18:09 On to the next grand adventure!
18:12 Change the backdrop, Don.
18:14 India, the birthplace of diarrhea.
18:18 [ Screams ]
18:20 [ Thuds ]
18:26 [ Meowing ]
18:34 [ Muffled Speech ]
18:35 [ Electricity Crackles ] - [ Cat Screeches ] I]
18:37 Welcome to my little refuge.
18:40 [ Screeches ] - Steve-arino!
18:42 I'm tired of you bossing me around, Dad.
18:44 All the running. All the studying.
18:46 All the planning for your Christian camp.
18:49 I Know you want to break ground in 2012, but it's not gonna happen!
18:53 We can't get the permits!
18:55 Steve-arino, you let Steve go and stop this at once.
18:58 Stan, being strict is what made him this way in the first place.
19:04 Look. Steve-arino,
19:07 I Know I've been too hard on you.
19:10 From here on out, I promise to let you do whatever you want, whenever you want.
19:15 Really?
19:17 Really. You name it.
19:19 I want to kill Steve. - Okay.
19:21 [ Francine ] I Stan! - Right, right, right.
19:23 [ Groans ]
19:28 [ Screeching ]
19:29 [ Grunting ]
19:32 [ Screaming ]
19:37 [ Screams ]
19:38 [ Thuds ]
19:41 What a waste. Those were brand-new sneakers.
19:46 Oh, well, hey, they'll fit Steve.
19:48 [ Gasps ] Steve!
19:51 About time. It's 4:00.
19:54 Where are my 4:00 nachos?
19:56 I got this one.
19:59 Steven Smith, I am your mother!
20:02 If you don't get out of that cage...
20:04 I will push you back up my clown hole...
20:07 and birth you again and name you My Bitch!
20:09 Now get out of that cage!
20:15 I guess Steve needs both of our parenting styles to balance him out.
20:19 You're right. And you know what? We gotta stop beating ourselves up...
20:21 over Hayley running off with Jeff.
20:23 [ Shouts ]
20:24 Miss me? - No!
20:27 Now to finish what I started.
20:29 [ Whimpering ]
20:31 [ Chuckling ]
20:35 Steve, hit the deck!
20:39 [ Thuds ]
20:42 Come on, Steve. Let's go get you those nachos.
20:44 You can eat them after you do your homework.
20:53 [ Wind Whistling ]
20:55 [ Grunts ]
20:57 [ Growls ]
21:00 [ Grunting ]
21:06 [ Cocks ]
21:08 I'll see you in hell.
21:11 [ Gunshot ]
21:47 Bye! Have a beautiful time.