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schmuley, you're one heck of a nephew...
S07E15 License to Till
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Bell Rings ]
00:34
You guys ready? - Ah, I don't know, Snot.
00:37
A whole week of working after school on your uncle's farm?
00:40
Steve, we promised him.
00:41
And you know he can't afford a professional crew.
00:44
Plus, it's a mitzvah. - What's a mitzvah?
00:46
A mitt's for catching a baseball.
00:49
Yucka-yucka-yucka!
00:50
And... there's a smile!
00:54
Come on! We'll all be together.
00:56
What could be more fun than that'
00:58
»* [ Stereo. Rock ] - Oh, my God.
01:00
It's all the cool kids.
01:02
[I Tires Screeching ] - Yeah! Who wants to be us?
01:06
[ Chuckling ] - Yeah!
01:07
Let's go surf and mountain bike and explore each other's bodies!
01:11
[ Cheering ] - Oh, yeah!
01:13
Ah, man!
01:15
Can you imagine what it's like to be one of them?
01:17
[ Rock ] - Yeah! Who wants to be us?
01:19
[ Chuckling ] - Yeah!
01:21
Let's go surf and mountain bike and explore each other's bodies!
01:24
[ Cheering ] - Oh, yeah!
01:26
[ Tires Screeching ]
01:30
[ Sighs ]
01:32
Well, howdy, boychicks.
01:34
You're real mensches to help me bring in this year's cabbage crop.
01:38
[ Speaking Japanese ]
01:42
Well, as you know, Yom Kippur's on the horizon...
01:45
and temples everywhere are predicting a robust break-fast.
01:49
Now, this here cabbage will supply every Jew on the Eastern Seaboard...
01:52
with the delicious coleslaw they crave.
01:55
Any questions? - Do dolphins sleep?
01:57
They are mammals, and they do sleep.
01:59
schmuley, you're one heck of a nephew...
02:01
and you got a great group of friends here.
02:03
The best.
02:04
[ Whispers ] And you're the best of the best of the best, Steve.
02:07
[ Whispers ] Thanks, bud.
02:09
I think Toshi can hear us.
02:14
Hey, babe. Back from my mission in New Brunswick.
02:16
Honey! Welcome home. - Surprise!
02:19
Oh, my God! A decorative spoon!
02:22
You didn't even open it.
02:24
Oh, my God! A decorative spoon!
02:27
Do you love it? You collect them.
02:29
No, I have a collection...
02:31
because you bring me one from every mission.
02:34
Well, just tell me what you want to collect, and I'll-
02:37
[ Sniffling ] - You're— You're crying.
02:39
What's the matter, you hungry?
02:41
I Know you mean well, but I feel like there's just no more surprises in our marriage.
02:45
Oh, God. Oh, no. This is a problem.
02:48
Honey, mark this date—
02:50
the day I vow to return the element of surprise to our marriage.
02:53
Oh, Stan! - [ Farts ]
02:56
Oh, farted during a hug.
02:58
Hey, that's kind of a surprise.
02:59
No, it's kind of not.
03:04
Tsk. All these people walking around without bags.
03:08
Buy something! You're killin' this mall!
03:10
How's your pretzel?
03:12
Good. I brought it from home.
03:14
Oh, look at those nerd bombs.
03:17
Probably going to use that fabric to make each other wizard cloaks.
03:21
What is that, about a yard?
03:23
Wow, yeah! It is about a yard!
03:24
Oh! They'll never be cool.
03:27
You're either born cool or you're not.
03:29
I don't Know about that. I'm pretty sure I can make anybody cool.
03:33
Oh, yeah? One dollar says you can't make the next loser up the escalator into a cool.
03:38
You got yourself a bet.
03:41
[ Humming ]
03:44
Damn it! You saw him comin'.
03:45
Touché. - You're using that wrong.
03:48
[ Chuckles ] Yes.
03:49
[ Inhales, Clicks Tongue ] It's fine.
03:51
I mean, how hard can it be to make Steve cool? - [ Steve ] Oh, my God!
03:55
Pals that I know! Hello, pals!
03:58
I'm here to get my eyeglasses adjusted!
04:01
Hey, you got gummy bears in your ears?
04:04
I said hello.
04:05
[ Bell Rings ]
04:07
Hey, Smith. I gotta get ready for my party tomorrow night...
04:10
so I don't have time to pick on you.
04:12
No problem. I'll pick on myself. - Thanks, man.
04:15
Front wedgie! [ Grunting ]
04:17
I Laughin - Awl o]
04:20
[ Screams ] I smell my butt!
04:22
Last time I heard that, I was holding a finger under the fat Kardashian's nose.
04:27
Roger? - Name's Josh Bycel.
04:29
Transfer student from the poor part of Santa Bar—[ Belches ]...bara.
04:32
I'm here to make you cool.
04:34
What do you know about being cool?
04:36
Yo, Bycel!
04:38
Whaddup, Berland? Tell your sister I'm gonna put a baby in her.
04:41
Put one in me!
04:43
You wish!
04:45
So what do you say, Steve? You want to be cool?
04:47
Oh, I don't know. Would the guys at REI rather be camping right now?
04:51
Yeah, I want to be cool.
04:53
But that big dream is not for little Steve Smith.
04:56
[ Shuddering Sigh ]
04:58
Hey. Hey, sweet bird.
05:01
Look at me. I will make you cool.
05:04
You really think you can, Roger? - I know it!
05:07
Hey, this feels good. Do you like it?
05:10
[ Whispering ] Don't tell anyone. You'll get in trouble too.
05:16
[ Humming ]
05:19
[ Shouts ] - [ Screams ]
05:21
[ Laughs ] Gotcha! Oh, that is terrific!
05:23
What the hell are you doing?
05:25
Surprising you, like you wanted.
05:27
I was talking about a romantic surprise...
05:30
like flowers or a nice dinner out!
05:33
Oh, boy. I misunderstood.
05:35
Don't feel bad that you didn't explain yourself as well as you should have.
05:37
Giving me a heart attack!
05:39
Almost broke my damn neck!
05:41
I'm really sorry. Now I know.
05:43
I'll make it up to you, I promise.
05:46
And that's a skier's promise.
05:51
Your undies are on the lamp.
05:52
Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. No.
05:54
No, those are— those are mine.
06:02
Okay. The easiest way to be cool?
06:04
Be the guy with the big kielbasa.
06:06
size 14 high-tops and a thick spicy one.
06:10
Slip these on, and I'll slip this in.
06:15
Mmm! Look at that bulge.
06:17
Mmm. Best part of waking up is bulgers in your cup. Mmm!
06:21
Now, go wag that mama all over school, cool guy.
06:24
[ Kids Chattering, Laughing ]
06:27
[ Inhales, Exhales ]
06:29
af [R&B]
06:34
Whoa!
06:36
[ Gasps ]
06:38
[[ Man Rapping ] - My— cost a late-night fee
06:41
Your- got the Hiv
06:43
My— plays on the double-feature screen
06:46
Your—- went straight to DVD
06:48
My— is bigger than a bridge
06:51
-,* Your-,,/ - [ Record Scratches ]
06:53
[ Sniffing, Growling ]
06:56
Easy, boy.
06:58
[ Chomping ] - Hey! [ Gasping ]
07:01
All right, new plan. You're gonna be... the tough guy.
07:06
Now, you're one of the biggest wimps in school...
07:08
so you have to find somebody even wimpier...
07:10
and just kick... their... ass.
07:14
Oh, hi, Steve. How—
07:16
Yeah! What? It's Steve's hallway! -[ Crying ]
07:19
That guy hit the super-smart Indian girl who skipped several grades.
07:23
How could he hit a girl? - That's messed up.
07:25
Poor Reshma. That girl's nice to everyone.
07:27
Hey! What's going on out here?
07:29
This guy hit Reshma! - [ Angry Shout ]
07:32
[ Screams ] - [ Crowd ] Ooh!
07:34
[ Sinister Laughing ]
07:42
Didn't think I had to specify that you should kick a boy's ass.
07:45
Sorry. - Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Reshma.
07:48
Bet she's hysterical. - Thanks for trying, Roger.
07:51
I'm just not meant to be cool.
07:53
I'm gonna turn in. I gotta be at the farm at sunrise.
07:57
Roger, just admit defeat and pay me my dollar.
08:00
I want to go to Old Navy and buy two pullovers.
08:03
Not so fast! I have one last foolproof idea.
08:06
Steve'll be the first kid in his class to drive.
08:10
He can't drive a car. He's only 14.
08:13
Know the rules of the planet, dipstick!
08:15
[ Laughing ]
08:24
Guess who, dick! - [ Screams ]
08:25
So I read the D.M.V. manual. The fish is right.
08:28
You are too young to drive a car.
08:30
But there is something a 14-year-old can drive.
08:34
[ Chattering ]
08:35
ale' [ Stereo, Hip-hop ]
08:39
[Man] ♪ Whoa'
08:41
gentlemen, oh. Oh, huh ♪
08:44
Whaddup, bitches?
08:46
♪ Whoa'
08:53
Unless you're a ho, close your mouth.
08:55
That's right. I got my farmin' license, son.
08:58
First freshman to drive.
09:00
Wow Look at Steve Smith, huh? [ Clicks Tongue ]
09:05
[ All Laughing ] - Driving a tractor is so lame.
09:09
Bycel, what are you doing up there with the farmer's daughter?
09:12
Uh, well, I couldn't hit him from down there.
09:15
Aah! - [ Cheering ]
09:18
[I Girl ] What a nob. - What the hell?
09:19
[ Whispering ] sorry. Can't ruin my rep.
09:21
Don't worry. I'll make it up to you... right now.
09:25
Huh? Hurts less this time, doesn't it?
09:31
Steve, there you are!
09:34
Where did you take the tractor?
09:36
I took it for a joy ride, but there wasn't much joy.
09:39
[ Sobbing ]
09:41
That's beautiful.
09:43
Oy. Looks like we got some freezing rain movin' in.
09:46
Crop won't survive the night.
09:48
Then let's bring this cabbage in!
09:50
Now, hold on. Let me check.
09:53
Make sure it's ripe and ready.
10:00
You guys ready? - So close.
10:02
Two, three hours, tops. But you gotta leave us alone.
10:05
You're stressing everybody out.
10:11
[ Ballad ]
10:13
Now, this is what I'm talkin' 'bout.
10:19
[ Sniffs ] My man love me.
10:33
[ Shouts ] - [ Screams ]
10:34
[ Gasping ] - [ Laughing ]
10:36
Oh, my God! I got you twice!
10:39
Deuce! Deuce!
10:40
[ Gasps ] I can't believe you did that again!
10:43
[ Laughing ] Had to.
10:45
By pretending I understood what kind of surprise you wanted, I totally threw you off.
10:48
Made you think I was gonna do something romantic, then boom!
10:51
How could you? [ Crying ]
10:54
Oh, baby, come on. No, no.
10:56
Don't— Don't— Don't ruin this for me.
10:59
[ Tires Screech ]
11:05
Chung, I'm opening one of your dad's Petite Sirahs.
11:08
[ Phone Rings ] - Hey.
11:10
Just want to know if you're ready to admit defeat and pay me my buck.
11:13
What— What's that echo? Are you in the bathroom?
11:16
No, I'm in the subway. Where do you think I am?
11:18
I'm on the can. You got my money or not?
11:21
No, because I'm gonna win this bet!
11:25
[ Tarts ]
11:26
Nice! [ Chuckling ] - Ah, that wasn't for you.
11:29
Hey, there's an even cooler party across town!
11:31
They've got pizza and two golden retrievers you can pet!
11:35
Oh, man! - Golden retrievers are so special!
11:38
Is anybody sober enough to drive?
11:40
Nope! - I'm good. We'll take my Kawasaki.
11:43
I'll-- I'll-- I'll make 50 trips.
11:47
[ Motor Starts ]
11:48
Grab— Grab onto my waist.
11:52
Kawasaki!
11:54
[ Partygoers Gasp ]
11:56
Uh, who's next? - You're not okay to drive, bro.
11:59
Man, if we could find a way to get 50 wasted people safely across town...
12:03
It'd be so cool.
12:05
That gives me an idea.
12:08
[ Engine Rumbling ]
12:12
Someone order a designated driver?
12:15
Yeah! - [ Cheering ]
12:17
Super cool! - Let's get to the next party!
12:20
Steve Smith's the man!
12:22
You hear that, Roger? I'm the man. You did it!
12:25
No problem, buddy.
12:29
What a mild night.
12:42
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
12:48
[ Keys Jingle ] - [ Door Closes ]
12:50
[ Chuckling ]
12:58
Where'd she go? she usually starts dinner at 6:00.
13:02
[ Shrieking ] - [ Screaming ]
13:04
[ Laughing ] I got you!
13:08
How— You were—
13:10
I saw you! - Come on It's funny.
13:13
[ Panting ]
13:15
Ooh-wah. She got me.
13:17
she got me good.
13:21
[ Shrieking ] - [ Screaming ]
13:23
[ Laughs ] Deuce! Deuce!
13:26
Two times.
13:28
Ooh-hoe-hoe-hoe!
13:30
[ Whimpering ]
13:32
[ Chanting ] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
13:35
Yeah! - You tore that up!
13:37
Shut up!
13:38
The only reason I'm able to drink irresponsibly...
13:41
is 'cause of our designated driver right here!
13:44
[ Chanting ] Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Hey!
13:51
[ Grunts ]
13:53
Mmm! [ Moaning ]
13:56
[ Partygoers Hooting ]
13:58
When these come in, they're all yours.
14:02
Steve's married! - Everybody, oh, my God!
14:04
Oh, my God! - [ Clicks ]
14:06
About how long do you think that'll take?
14:12
I love how comfortable you are with me.
14:14
[ Buzzing ] - Ugh!
14:19
He did it. - [ Thunder Rumbling ]
14:21
steve, Snot Lonstein again.
14:23
Third message. Hope you're well.
14:25
Listen, you're kind of fucking us with this tractor thing, huh?
14:28
So... call me back, okay? - [ Beeps ]
14:32
So? - He didn't pick up.
14:34
But I'm sure he'll bring the tractor back before—
14:36
[[ Thunderclap ]
14:38
the rain.
14:40
Uh-oh. Looks like I'm in for a bad hair day.
14:50
[ Dog Barking ]
14:51
[ Scatting ]
14:53
Tractor Boy
14:55
♪ [ Scatting ]
14:56
Got you in my tractor beam
14:58
♪ [ Scatting ]
15:01
[ Panting ] Steve! What are you doing?
15:04
We're supposed to bring in the harvest!
15:06
Your popularity's too new. Distance yourself now/
15:10
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
15:12
What? Yeah. Steve, it's me, Snot.
15:16
Bonk! That beer went straight to your head!
15:18
[ Laughing ] - Oh, brutal!
15:21
Shamon, Tractor Boy
15:23
I guess it's me who doesn't know you.
15:30
Well, there's only two of us in the van, and I know it wasn't me.
15:33
Jeff, look out! A man!
15:35
[ Screams ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
15:38
Dad, what are you doing in the middle of the street?
15:41
It's the only safe place! Your mother is everywhere!
15:43
Wait. Are you her? You're her! - Dad!
15:46
Mr. S. - Don't stand behind me!
15:48
Dad, you're going crazy. You need to get some sleep.
15:51
I can't go back in the house.
15:53
I'm going to a hotel. You never saw me.
16:04
[ Engine Starts ] - Okay. Okay. Calm down.
16:06
A little VapoRub will soothe me.
16:12
[ Inhales ]
16:14
[ Sighs ]
16:16
[ Screams ]
16:17
[ Laughing ]
16:19
[ Glass Shattering ]
16:24
I am very hurt. We have to stop this.
16:28
Truce? - Truce.
16:33
Hello. I am David.
16:35
I am new to the neighborhood.
16:37
You've struck my garage...
16:39
and I feel as though we are not going to get along.
16:44
Steve, tractor us to Taco King.
16:46
Sure thing, Chung.
16:48
You're the man, Smith!
16:52
[ Crowd Chattering ]
16:56
I lost my lens!
16:58
Come on - Let's go!
17:00
Uh, attention. I've lost a prescription lens.
17:03
If everybody could just link arms, we can do an Amish sweep.
17:07
[ Glass Cracks ] - Oh, no!
17:09
Sorry, everybody. I can't drive without this lens.
17:12
Not cool!
17:13
To think, this summer we were going to become such good friends.
17:16
I was going to tell you my darkest secret.
17:18
something so shocking and personal...
17:20
that it would've bonded us forever.
17:22
[ Man ] To find out Vince's secret log on to www.vincewasmolested.com.
17:29
[ Girl ] Forget it. Forget it!
17:38
Snot! But how do you have—
17:40
We made a deal in the fourth grade, remember?
17:43
I always carry a spare lens for you...
17:46
and you always carry a spare inhaler for me.
17:49
You have it, right? - Yeah. Of course I do.
17:53
[ Chirping ]
17:55
Snot, why'd you come back? I was so horrible to you.
17:59
Because friendship is like a crop.
18:01
There are good times and bad times...
18:04
fertile and frost...
18:06
but you always have to see it through.
18:09
Even though I hate you right now, you're still my friend.
18:14
Snot, I'm sorry. How can I ever make this up to you?
18:17
You can do what any good friend would do.
18:21
Help my Jewish farmer uncle harvest his talking cabbage crop...
18:24
in time to make the coleslaw for the Yom Kippur break-fast.
18:32
Let's ride.
18:37
Francine?
18:39
I am entering the house.
18:42
Remember our truce?
18:44
Are you in the house? - I am in the house.
18:47
I am standing in the kitchen.
18:49
I am going to enter the kitchen now.
18:52
Okay. I understand you are going to enter the kitchen now.
18:59
i''m here, Francine.
19:00
I see YOU.
19:02
Uh, I'm sorry, honey.
19:04
It was stupid of me to think that scaring you...
19:06
was the kind of surprise our relationship needed.
19:08
Oh, I kind of got caught up in it too.
19:10
I think I finally understand what sort of surprise you're looking for.
19:15
something little. Chinese food.
19:17
It's perfect, Stan.
19:20
Let's eat.
19:22
[ Shrieks ] - [ Laughing ]
19:24
[ Groans, Gasping ]
19:27
Did we do it, Stan? Did we scare her?
19:30
We did, little buddy.
19:31
We scared her good.
19:33
[ Gags ]
19:40
He's got really pretty eyes.
19:44
It's over.
19:46
Without the tractor, the harvest is as good as dead.
19:49
Like my kidneys!
19:51
I have pretty serious diabetes, Toshi.
19:53
[ Horn Honks ]
19:55
Baruch Hashem!
19:59
The sum-bitch came back.
20:06
[ Together ] Steve!
20:12
sorry I'm late, everyone.
20:14
I got caught in a cool front, but it passed.
20:18
Well, I'm sure that's special, what you just said...
20:21
but we really gotta bring in the harvest.
20:23
We're with ya! - Yeah!
20:30
[ Engine Sputters, Stops ]
20:34
Did you— Did you put any gas in it?
20:37
Oh. - You didn't fill it up?
20:38
Oh. - You didn't fill it up?
20:39
The tractor's dead! I'm ruined! You ruined me!
20:43
Well, Snot's Uncle Solomon...
20:45
the important thing is, I learned something about friendship today.
20:49
No, that's not what's important at all!
20:52
I'm gonna lose my farm. I'm gonna be homeless.
20:55
Okay. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
20:58
Out! Get out!
21:00
Go on! Git!
21:02
Shofar I Blows ]
21:05
I'm sorry about all that, Snot.
21:07
Hey, family comes and goes.
21:10
Kids you're in school with are forever.
21:24
e* Hevenus
21:27
♪ Shalom f
21:30
♪ Hevenu shalom aleichem
21:34
♪ Hevenu shalom aleichem
21:37
hevenu shalom aleichem Hevenu shalom, shalom, shalom aleichem
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
