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Hayley, I love you.
S07E16 Jenny Fromdabloc
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36
Nice use of letter "E", Barry. I like that.
00:38
Snot, get your head in the game!
00:40
This is how we lose men! Good men!
00:42
Sorry, Steve.
00:44
she's just so beautiful.
00:46
Look at her.
00:48
Are you digging for my heart in there, tadpole?
00:50
It's there.
00:52
That's where it resides.
00:54
Hey, you shouldn't be worrying about girls for another 10 years.
00:57
You should be worrying about blocks and making pee-pee on the potty.
01:00
Girls this guy's worried about.
01:02
You're right, Steve. You're always right.
01:05
Interesting how we've developed...
01:07
such a sophisticated hierarchy at this young age.
01:10
Shut up, Barry. - I'm at the bottom.
01:19
Snot! Focus!
01:20
I can't take it anymore!
01:23
He doesn't treat her right.
01:24
Why isn't he grabbing her tush?
01:26
Give it a rest, Snot.
01:28
We have to focus on what to do...
01:30
for our sixth annual best friends excursion...
01:32
which some people have misinterpreted...
01:34
since we printed shirts that read "Hardcore B.F. Weekend."
01:40
Now, as you know...
01:42
every year we pool our leftover babysitting and allowance money...
01:45
and use it to take a trip together as best pals...
01:48
and every year I come up with something awesome for us to do.
01:52
Like the time we went to Dennis Quaid's house.
01:55
[ Shutter Clicks ]
01:57
Do you boys have any water?
01:58
'Cause I got some pills I'd like to get put in me.
02:02
Get outta here, Randy! You get outta here now!
02:04
Get! - [ Groans ]
02:09
That was a great trip.
02:11
[ Speaking Japanese ]
02:19
Expired. Expired. Expired.
02:23
Should we just have a baby? - I guess.
02:26
[ Pinks ]
02:28
I am here for the fair Hayley!
02:31
Oh, God.
02:34
Hayley, I love you.
02:36
Oh, God.
02:37
And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.
02:41
No. I don't love you, okay?
02:42
I'm married— sometimes happily.
02:46
I thought you might say that...
02:48
but wait till you hear this!
02:52
I hired a 12-piece orchestra...
02:54
to play your favorite song, "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio.
02:58
[ Mid-tempo Instrumental ]
03:05
Now what do you say? - No.
03:07
I thought you might say that...
03:10
but feast your eyes on this!
03:13
[ Beeping ]
03:15
Aha! Elephant! - [ Trumpets ]
03:17
Your favorite animal.
03:19
I rented it for you. Say you love me.
03:21
No. - [ Exhales ]
03:23
I thought you might say that...
03:25
but wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack!
03:31
Batteries!
03:32
Your favorite thing on your favorite animal!
03:37
I thought you might say that...
03:39
but wait until you see this.
03:45
[ Circus Music ]
03:48
Aha! - [ Trumpets ]
03:50
What do you say now, my love?
03:52
Go away.
03:55
[ Creaking ]
04:13
Snot, it's okay.
04:15
You tried, huh, big guy?
04:18
It's not okay!
04:20
[ Sobbing ] It's never going to be okay!
04:25
If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure she has the herps!
04:28
[ Laughing ] Yeah, she does!
04:31
[ Wind Whistling ]
04:33
Sam, you didnt turn Larry Tate into a horse, did you?
04:39
Well-- tinkling - Audience Laughs ]
04:43
[ Laughs ] How great is Bewitched?
04:46
I wish we lived in the '60s.
04:48
Men wore suits and drank martinis all day long.
04:51
Francine, starting tomorrow, I want you to greet me at the door...
04:54
with a martini when I get home from work.
04:56
Stan, martinis are pretty strong...
04:58
and you're not much of a drinker. - What?
05:01
Just last week at Sanders's barbecue...
05:03
I poured a whole amber lager down my mighty throat...
05:06
in just under two hours.
05:09
All right. I guess it does sound kind of fun.
05:12
[ Gasps ] Oh, I [ Dream Of Jeannie is on next.
05:14
Know what else sounds fun?
05:16
You start wearing see-through pants and living in a bottle.
05:18
The C.I.A. has a great shrink ray.
05:20
i'd carry tiny you around and feed you grains of rice.
05:23
[ Laughs ]
05:25
Come on, do it!
05:30
Snot, just pick up.
05:32
I'm sorry Hayley rejected you, but look at it this way—
05:35
Now that you've spent all your bar mitzvah money trying to get her...
05:38
you don't have to worry about your mom stealing out of your account anymore.
05:42
I am stressing out, Steve!
05:44
My company just announced they're no longer matching our 401(k)s.
05:48
My doctor gave me a promotional stress ball.
05:50
As if fidgeting with some dumb ball...
05:52
will take the weight of the world off my shoulders.
05:54
Actually, it's helping a lot. - Whatever, Roger.
05:57
Snot just got his heart broken, and I have to cheer him up.
06:00
Hey, actually, maybe you could help.
06:02
You know, put together a teenage girl disguise.
06:05
Laugh at his jokes, smile, twirl your hair a little.
06:08
Build his confidence.
06:10
No, no. I can't just switch personas like that.
06:12
See, sometimes certain characters just grab ahold of you...
06:16
and, brother, they set up shop in the depths of your soul.
06:19
You get to go to Forever 21.
06:20
[ Squeals ] Cigarette jeans!
06:26
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
06:30
[Zapping Sounds ] - [ Groans ]
06:32
[ Roger ] You gonna play that game, or just lean on it?
06:36
Name's Jenny. Jenny Fromdabloc.
06:39
I'm Steve's cousin, visiting from Jersey.
06:41
Yes! Yes, she is.
06:43
I-I didn't mention it because— - No one's doing the math.
06:46
Your hair, it's curly.
06:48
You should see it when I wash it on Tuesdays.
06:50
[ Forced Laugh ]
06:52
You're funny.
06:53
Come on, boys, let's give these two a little space.
06:58
So, buy me a soda pop?
07:00
I've only got enough money for one coke.
07:03
Oh, that's so sweet. We'll share.
07:06
Or I'll just have it.
07:10
So, basically, we all eat seven spiders a year in our sleep.
07:14
[ Panting ]
07:15
Snot, are you okay?
07:17
I almost didn't make it to school.
07:19
Oh, no. Jenny. What did she do?
07:22
Oh, Steve!
07:23
We went to Taco King, and then we rode the Ferris wheel...
07:26
and then we went to the beach and stayed up all night...
07:29
talking about our hopes and dreams.
07:32
Then I fucked her.
07:34
[ Laughing ] I fucked her, man!
07:36
I'm not a virgin anymore.
07:52
[ Humming ]
07:56
You slut!
07:58
[ Sighs ] I have to say, it was super relaxing...
08:00
being an innocent young girl for a change.
08:02
Innocent? You did it with Snot on the beach!
08:05
Yeah, I did.
08:06
Got sand all up in my Jenny dress, not to mention my gopher hole.
08:09
Oh, I mentioned it.
08:11
You're an alien. How is that even physically possible?
08:14
Well, you see, Steve, just because I don't have your traditional human genitalia—
08:18
[ Sharp Groan ] No, my ears!
08:19
I'm sorry I ever asked you for this favor.
08:21
I should've known you'd take it too far.
08:23
Yeah, you should've! You've known me for years, Steve!
08:29
So, you know, once you've been intimate with a lady...
08:32
you start to see it everywhere—
08:33
Like in the sideways mouth of a bearded man.
08:39
Hey, guys.
08:40
so I had a few pitches for our annual friends excursion.
08:43
I was thinking— - [ Speaking Japanese ]
08:45
And boobies—
08:47
You know how desk lamps have those little nubs at the top?
08:50
If you turn that...
08:52
you can have more light to see the boobies.
08:54
[ Together ] Ohh!
08:56
[ Groans ]
09:01
[ Pop, Faint ]
09:06
Oh, Steve, you're home.
09:07
I made bologna roll-ups for Snot and your... cousin.
09:11
Mmm, cousin. - Cousin.
09:14
You can have these, Steve.
09:16
We have roll-ups of our own.
09:19
[ Together ] Mmm!
09:22
Oh, hello, Hayley.
09:24
I'm here visiting my girlfriend.
09:29
She's jealous. - You're so classy.
09:31
[ Together ] Mmm!
09:33
Um, what is going on here, Jenny?
09:36
I'll tell you what's going on here. I like Snot.
09:38
He's cute and he's funny, and he treats me nice.
09:41
Reminds me of a young Paul Reiser.
09:43
He is nothing like a young Paul Reiser.
09:46
He's Rob Morrow on his best day.
09:48
Listen, Jenny, I should probably get home anyway.
09:50
No, don't go.
09:52
I don't want to go. - Then stay.
09:55
I wish I could stay forever.
09:56
[ Whispering ] Promise me you'll visit my dreams tonight.
09:59
Oh, come on
10:03
Honey, I'm home.
10:04
Hi, dear. Martini? - Perfect.
10:08
Just like Darrin and Sam.
10:10
So elegant. Cheers, darling.
10:14
[ Shouting ] - [ Glass Shatters ]
10:17
Stan, get in the car!
10:20
[ Babbling ]
10:24
Clearly, you can't handle your gin.
10:26
Now get in, damn it.
10:31
You see that, Harold?
10:33
That man tried to put his package into that mailbox.
10:36
Maybe he thought it was a female box.
10:40
[ Laughing ]
10:41
A fe— A female...
10:43
[ Chuckles ] - [ Sighs ]
10:49
It's been nine years since Judy died.
10:56
[ Video Game Sounds ]
10:58
It's sort of weird, huh, hanging out at your house, Snot?
11:02
I mean, we- we usually hang out at my place.
11:04
Yeah. Stuff happens at other people's houses too, Steve.
11:07
[ Toilet Flushes ] - Don't go in there, huh?
11:11
What are we watching?
11:14
Well, Jenny, I think you're watching us decide...
11:17
what we're gonna do for our friends excursion.
11:19
Okay, ready?
11:21
You know how Baskin-Robbins has 31 flavors?
11:24
Get this. We try every single flavor in one day.
11:29
Huh? - Mmm.
11:32
I was thinking we'd go to Wild West Land.
11:35
[ Together ] Yeah!
11:36
And remember, boys, there will be girls aplenty at Wild West Land.
11:41
Take it from someone who's getting sniz on the reg.
11:44
Come on. 31 Flavors is a much better idea than Wild West Land.
11:49
Hey, what ya thinkin'?
11:52
I don't want to tell in front of these guys.
11:55
You want to tell me over there? - Yeah.
11:57
Okay, let's go. - Okay.
12:01
Hey, what are we supposed to do?
12:04
Well, I guess we could— - Not you, virgin!
12:13
Do you know what time it is?
12:15
Nope. We were having sex in the park, and I totally lost track.
12:19
I must've been making weird noises...
12:21
'cause a bunch of cats wouldn't leave us alone.
12:23
Had to throw a couple cats.
12:25
Roger, you have to stop this.
12:27
I see. I know what's really going on here.
12:30
You can't stand the fact that Snot's cool now...
12:32
and you're no longer king of the nerds.
12:34
Well, that— That's ridiculous.
12:37
I mean, sure, there's been an established hierarchy, but—
12:40
What? What is that'
12:42
Oh, this? My stress ball.
12:44
But there's a crack in it. - Uh-huh.
12:47
Oh, my God, that's how you and Snot have been— - Relieving stress.
12:51
Because this is a stress ball...
12:52
and trust me, Snot's been relieving a lot of stress into this thing.
12:56
[ Laughs ] Good night.
12:58
[ Whistling ]
13:02
[ School Bell Rings ]
13:04
[ Chattering ] - [ Cell Phone Ring Tone ]
13:09
They went to Wild West Land without me?
13:12
Hey, Steve, I'm just telling a few people.
13:14
I'm making belt buckles now, if you want to buy one.
13:17
Check it out.
13:20
He's got red eyes from smoking weed.
13:23
I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian.
13:25
My job's mostly administrative.
13:28
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
13:32
Traitors!
13:34
Last I checked, friends excursions included all of the friends.
13:37
How could you come here without me?
13:39
Because you hate Jenny...
13:41
and you're jealous that I'm getting sniz on the reg.
13:43
Stop saying that!
13:45
sorry, Steve. Snot's cooler.
13:47
Okay, okay.
13:49
Hey, Snot, heads up. - What's this?
13:52
A stress ball. Feel familiar?
13:56
This is what Jenny was using to fake sex with you. - What?
14:00
She didn't do it with you for real.
14:02
You're still a virgin.
14:04
[ Gasps ] - Ooh.
14:05
[ Speaking Japanese ]
14:07
Jenny, how could you?
14:09
[ Sobbing ] I'm sorry!
14:12
You made a fool out of me.
14:14
I never want to see you again.
14:21
I need this now more than ever for its intended purpose!
14:24
"Sons of Tucson, new on Fox?
14:27
When was this on? I watch Fox. I never saw this.
14:30
[ Sobbing Continues ]
14:38
[ Sobs ]
14:41
Please. - Fine! Just go!
14:44
Just ruin two lives and go.
14:47
Roger, I didn't ruin your life.
14:49
Jenny's not even real.
14:50
But our love was.
14:52
Snot loved Jenny, and Jenny loved Snot.
14:57
[ Chattering ]
15:02
So, guys, uh, let's hit 31 Flavors this weekend.
15:06
What do you say, Snot?
15:08
I'm thinking of moving to Cheyenne to live with my uncle Pat.
15:11
Look, I know you're upset, but you had to know the truth.
15:14
Trust me, I know what's best for the group.
15:17
[ Sighs ] You're right, Steve.
15:20
You're always right.
15:21
[ Whining ]
15:23
[ Sobs ]
15:26
Uh, again, just want to mention I'm selling belt buckles I made.
15:29
I also got a line of retro ones.
15:34
Yep, that was the time.
15:36
That was the music of the time.
15:39
The drug of the time?
15:40
[ Karate Yell ] Cocaine!
15:47
Hey, where's my martini?
15:49
You're not getting one. You can't handle your alcohol.
15:52
Of course I can. Yesterday I just had to get the kinks worked out.
15:56
Tonight I'm ready to live like a gentleman of the 60s.
15:59
Now, martini me, sweetheart.
16:02
[ Slurring ] I tell ya, I was in the best shape of my life.
16:05
I was closer to God than I've ever been, and I was flush with cash.
16:09
Stan, I really don't want to talk about the fifth grade anymore.
16:19
How-How did you— How did you do that?
16:22
Do what?
16:23
You passed out, and I went and got you water.
16:26
I barely blinked, and things had all changed, like on Bewitched.
16:34
[ Gasps ]
16:36
Where did you get that broom?
16:38
Did you ride that broom into the living room because you're a witch?
16:52
[ Gasps ]
16:54
[ Screams ] I'm married to a witch!
16:59
ee' f into]
17:03
~~» [ Bewitched theme Plays ]
17:13
[Man] It's time you knew the truth.
17:16
[ Snoring ]
17:20
Your father won't be joining us for dinner.
17:22
I'm sorry our horse-for-two costume freaked him out, Mrs. S.
17:26
Just bad timing, Jeff.
17:29
It's a sex thing. - I know, Jeff.
17:36
Hey, Roger.
17:39
Snot made me this.
17:41
He made it out of his Spanish work sheet.
17:44
[ Sobbing ]
17:46
You really liked him, didn't you?
17:48
I did. I did. He was just really sweet.
17:50
Roger, I'm sorry.
17:52
I guess I did want to be king of the nerds.
17:54
But I'd rather have Snot happy than be king of anything.
17:57
I want Snot happy too, Steve, but it's too late now.
18:01
Snot won't take me back after you revealed Jenny was faking it with him.
18:04
True, but I think I just found a way...
18:07
for you to make him feel like a man again.
18:09
Ooh. How about you fill me in over a couple of beers?
18:12
Great, right?
18:14
I had two party balls implanted in my chest—
18:16
one light beer, one regular.
18:18
Comin' at ya - Aaah! Stop it!
18:22
Squirt! No! Hey, stop it.
18:24
Squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt. - No, wait. Quit it!
18:25
Aaah! - Squirt, squirt, squirt!
18:34
[ Sighs ] It's no good, Steve.
18:36
Nothing's going to cheer me up.
18:38
[ Roger ] You gonna use that street lamp, or just lean on it?
18:42
Snot, please hear me out.
18:44
Yes, I tricked you with a stress ball...
18:46
and it was a rotten thing to do.
18:47
Extra rotten, if you ask me. - I know.
18:50
But I did it because I was saving myself for someone I loved.
18:54
And I've realized that that someone is you.
18:57
I want to do it for real tonight.
18:59
What do you say? Make love to me again...
19:03
for the first time.
19:10
[ Chuckles ] Come here, you.
19:12
Mmm. Mmm.
19:15
Wow, Snot. You're the man again.
19:19
Until tonight, my love.
19:31
She loved you, man.
19:32
She loved you, and you were about to have sex with her.
19:35
That's closer than any of us have ever gotten.
19:39
Yeah, it is, isn't it?
19:41
So, Steve, what should we do now?
19:45
What do you feel like doing, big guy?
19:49
Maybe we should go to 31 Flavors.
19:52
That sounds great.
19:54
[ Snot ] You know, things aren't so bad.
19:56
I've got good friends, and I realized...
19:58
I can get over the death of a girlfriend really quickly.
20:04
What are you doing here?
20:06
Come to pay my respects to one of my best characters ever.
20:09
How'd you fake her death, anyway?
20:11
Oh, that was easy.
20:14
Until tonight, my love.
20:17
[ Roger Narrating ] I can move really, really fast
20:28
[ Cell Phone Beeps ]
20:57
You sure can. - I can.
21:01
My underwear!
21:02
Can I have those back? - No, I already sold 'em to that guy.
21:22
[ Whistling ]
21:42
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
