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I used to have a dog and legs and arms.
S01E01 Pilot
09:07 – 09:11
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He's dead. Amen. - That was beautiful, honey.
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I was an Olympic skier before the C.I.A. switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36
[ Humming ]
00:40
[ Continues Humming ] - Shut up, Steve! I have a term paper due.
00:43
Ooh, yeah, right. Community college.
00:46
Big girl. Big girl. Hey, you think that diploma...
00:49
will help you land a better section when you're waitressing at the Olive Garden?
00:52
Think you'll hit puberty before you turn 14?
00:54
Why? You wanna do it with me? You're sick.
00:56
Steve, you've only got one sister. Be nice.
00:59
And, Hayley, Steve's big-boy hair isn't gonna...
01:02
come in any faster with you taunting him.
01:05
Oh, Francine, liebchen,
01:07
I love the way you rule with an iron fist.
01:10
You know, perhaps when you are finished there, you would stick your naughty pinky finger...
01:14
into mein bowl und let me feel you.
01:16
Klaus, I don't think— - You're right. When the kids are gone.
01:20
No, Roger, you cannot borrow the car!
01:22
You think you'd be a little more grateful to the guy who saved your life at Area 51.
01:26
If my superiors at the C.I.A. found out you were living here, we'd have our memories erased.
01:31
Did you see Memento? It's not as good the second time.
01:34
The point is, you are not allowed to leave the house. - For God's sakes, Stan.
01:37
I just wanna pick up a pack of smokes.
01:39
[ Sighs ] Have you managed to contact your home planet yet?
01:42
Oh, you Know, I was gonna do it yesterday, but I got distracted.
01:46
VH1 was running this "I Love the '80s" marathon.
01:49
Did you know Lou Ferrigno was deaf?
01:51
I don't know. Somehow it's hard to take him as seriously.
01:54
Oh, hey, Francine, did you get those pecan sandies I asked for?
01:57
Oh, Roger, I'm sorry. I was at the market yesterday, and I forgot.
02:02
[ Inhales Sharply ] Pretty sure I asked for pecan sandies.
02:07
I'll pick some up this afternoon. - Francine, be careful today.
02:10
We're at terror alert orange, which means something might go down...
02:14
somewhere in some way at some point in time, so look sharp!
02:17
You know, Dad, it's great that you and your C.I.A. buddies...
02:19
have created a fun little system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.
02:22
You like shavin' your armpits, Hayley, huh?
02:24
Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go.
02:27
[ Pops ]
02:32
It's just toast, Dad.
02:35
This time it was toast, Hayley— this time.
02:37
It's okay. This one'll be mine.
02:39
Hey, Steve, how's it goin' with that gal on the lacrosse team I picked out for ya?
02:43
Actually, Dad, I have decided to go for the brass ring.
02:46
Today I'm asking out Lisa Silver, head cheerleader and future Mrs. Steve Smith.
02:52
Yeah. I like the sound of that: Steve Smith.
02:56
That's my boy. You hear that, Francine?
02:58
Hey, Francine, tell Steve how many girls I dated in high school.
03:00
I didn't meet you till college. - No, but I've told you.
03:03
Steve, I sure hope she says yes. - Don't worry.
03:06
She won't turn you down. You're a Smith, and a Smith always gets his girl.
03:10
-Mmm. Mmm. -[ Giggling ]
03:12
Resist him, Francine. Resist him!
03:15
You und' I are meant to be. [ Gasps ] Happy hour!
03:19
[ Gobbling ]
03:21
Steve, isn't Lisa Silver way out of your league?
03:23
Well, now, Hayley, don't bury him before he's dead.
03:26
I think you got a shot, Steve, as long as you don't wear that Shazam! shirt.
03:29
[ Screams ]
03:31
Oh, don't everybody help at once.
03:33
My goodness, Roger. When was the last time you weighed yourself?
03:37
Oh, oh. Ow, ow, Francine. You know, we can't all look...
03:40
like those anorexic aliens in the James Cameron movies.
03:44
I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm putting you on a diet.
03:46
Starting today, no more junk food. - What? No.
03:50
No. Not my Franken Berries. Oh, Francine, please. Be reasonable. [ Yelps ]
03:54
Oh, God. I've got a bear claw in my ass.
04:00
Okay. So that's two million halogen lamps and 500,000 coffee tables.
04:03
Thanks a lot. - Hey, Stan. What was that all about?
04:06
Oh, we just signed a contract with IKEA to furnish Iraq.
04:08
Basically, the whole country's gonna look like your first apartment.
04:11
I like this. It fits with our hip, twentysomething lifestyle.
04:14
Oh, for Allah's sake, put some clothes on!
04:18
Now, how about a beer?
04:22
Hey, Jackson. Check out what I bought online. It's a pencil...
04:25
and the eraser is stuck up bin Laden's pooper.
04:27
Ha! Best 40 bucks I ever spent.
04:29
Wow. You're in a good mood today. - You bet I am.
04:32
My kid's asking out a cheerleader. - Steve?
04:35
That's right. I tell you. He's just like his old man.
04:38
Hey, Marcus, check this out! The eraser is stuck up bin Laden's pooper!
04:42
[Stan Laughing Heartily ]
04:44
He thought it was funny too.
04:49
There she is. Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me...
04:53
I have a fully developed woman to conquer.
04:55
Lisa Silver? Dude, you're a madman.
04:57
Thank you, Snot.
04:59
[ Asian Language ]
05:04
It is a beautiful day for love, Toshi. Thank you.
05:08
Steven! Steven! Steven! - You're cool with chicks. You're cool with chicks.
05:12
-[ Loud snap ] - Ow!
05:14
Hi, Lisa. Did that hurt so good?
05:17
It's Steve, Steve Smith. Remember me?
05:20
Ah, it'll come to ya. Hey, you wanna go out Friday night?
05:23
It's okay, baby. I can handle this. - Yeah, baby.
05:27
How could she just reject me like— like I was a nobody?
05:31
Hey. I love your dog. - Thanks.
05:34
Hey, wanna come back to my apartment and pet my schnauzer?
05:36
Okay. - And then we can play with this dog.
05:38
Wait a minute. That's it! I just need to get a dog...
05:41
and women will be all over my jock.
05:45
In other news, the White House was stunned today...
05:48
when President Bush received a phone call from God himself.
05:51
Uh, hey, George. It's God.
05:53
Well, hey. How you doin'? - Good. Good. Doin' good.
05:56
Hey, listen. Big favor. Is there any way that you could kind of, uh...
06:01
from now on just sort of downplay our relationship more in your public addresses?
06:06
What do you mean? - Well, I mean, uh—
06:09
[ Stammering ] to give you an example—
06:11
All right. When you make comments like, "God wanted me to be president."
06:15
You know, that would be an example of maybe something to just kind of keep to yourself.
06:19
Just to kind of, like, distance yourself from me a bit more.
06:22
Well, uh, sure. I mean, if you want. - Great. Great. Thanks.
06:25
[ Phone Beeps ] - Ooh. That's Cheney. I gotta take it. Yes, sir?
06:29
And on Wall Street today, the Dow was down again. - [Alarm Blaring ]
06:33
Ow! Dad, get off me! I have to study for my term paper!
06:37
You know the procedure, Hayley. - How come you never search Steve?
06:41
Now, honey, I love you both, but Steve is not a left-wing liberal...
06:43
who I tried to raise properly but somehow—
06:45
What's this? - It's a pack of gum.
06:51
All right. It's gum.
06:53
Hey, champ. When's your big date?
06:55
Um, she was out sick today. - Well, that's all right. You'll get her tomorrow.
06:59
Hey, listen. Mom, Dad, can! I have a dog?
07:02
Absolutely not. It's enough that we've got an alien...
07:04
and a goldfish with the brain of a German guy.
07:07
Oh, Francine, I can see your Schmutzklitzen.
07:11
[Sighs ] - Sorry, Steve. No dog.
07:13
I'm more than happy to get you an Etch A Sketch. - Mom.
07:16
You know, Stan, a dog's not such an awful idea.
07:19
It might teach Steve the responsibility he'll need...
07:21
for when he, one day, joins the army.
07:24
Are you seriously contemplating a military career? - Thinking about it.
07:28
Hey, did somebody order a brand-new dog?
07:31
Oh, sweet, Dad! You're the best! What the hell is that?
07:34
It's a dog. - [ Metal Rattling ]
07:38
Oh, my God. - He can barely stand up.
07:41
Well, of course. He's 19. - Stan, honey, didn't the pound have any younger dogs?
07:46
Francine, this dog has character. He was around for the Reagan administration.
07:50
He knows how things are supposed to be. - Eh.
07:53
Oh, damn it. He's gonna pee! No, no, no, no!
07:55
[ Squeak ] - Nope. Just dust.
07:57
Hey, dumb-ass! Your dog's half dead!
08:00
You hear that, boy? That girl talked to me, and I didn't even have to talk to her first.
08:04
Come on, Thor. Let's go cruise the mall.
08:11
Francine, you are one lucky lady.
08:14
You can do anything you want to this body because you married it.
08:16
-Mm-hmm. - I hope you're not taking all this for granted.
08:19
No potato chips. No cupcakes.
08:22
Damn it, Francine, I'm gonna hawk a loogie in your Oil of Olay!
08:27
Where's your machete? - Honey, take it easy.
08:30
If I die, you must protect the clan!
08:39
Osama, is that you? - [ Clanking ]
08:44
Gee, Stan. What gives?
08:46
Holy Toledo. You killed your son's dog.
08:50
And don't ask me to bring him back with that E.T. finger thing...
08:53
because that's a giant load of crap.
08:57
God, please watch over the soul of this dead dog...
09:00
and carry him up to heaven, because he sure as hell can't walk.
09:03
He's dead. Amen. - That was beautiful, honey.
09:07
I used to have a dog and legs and arms.
09:11
I was an Olympic skier before the C.I.A. switched mein brain with ein goldfish.
09:15
What were we supposed to do? Just let East Germany win that gold medal? Not on my watch.
09:20
[ Lips Popping ]
09:22
[ Popping Continues ] - [Spectators ] Ohh.
09:29
Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunatics would agree to gun control.
09:34
You know what I have to say to that?
09:37
Ah. I thought I was gonna fart.
09:39
This sucks. Now I'm never gonna get a girl.
09:42
Wait a minute. Is that why you wanted the dog? - Yes, sir.
09:45
Son, you don't need a dog when your old dad...
09:48
is the greatest ladies' man of all time— come on!
09:53
Now, Steve, girls love a guy who can protect them.
09:56
Now I'm gonna pretend I'm a thief and snatch her purse.
09:58
Then you'll chase me down, tackle me and win her heart.
10:00
Got it? - Got it, Dad.
10:03
Oh, my God. My mom almost caught me throwing up last night—
10:06
Hey! My purse! - Don't worry, young lady!
10:09
Hey, you! Come back here!
10:11
[ Bystanders Grunting ]
10:14
[ Man Moaning ] - [ People Grunting, Yelping ]
10:21
-[ Man] Hey! -[ Man #2 ] Oh, no!
10:25
[ Panting ]
10:28
[ Women Screaming ]
10:31
[ Car Alarm Blaring ]
10:39
Okay. I got a little carried away back there.
10:49
Hey, Jeff. - Hey, babe. Some guy at the restaurant...
10:52
sent his meat loaf back because there was a hair in it, but it's cool, because it was mine!
10:56
Picnic in the park? -I can't. I have this paper due.
10:59
Bummer. Well, you know what Shakespeare said.
11:01
I mean, I don't, but I'm sure you do. See ya!
11:05
Chillin' with Jeff. Sounds like fun.
11:07
Yeah, but this is due tomorrow. - Listen, Hayleykins.
11:10
Obviously I can't leave the house, but if you supply me with Twinkies,
11:14
Ho Hos, you know, any of your basic white trash foodstuffs...
11:17
that your freakin' mother won't let me have, I'll write your paper for you.
11:20
What do you know about Crime and Punishment? - You mean, besides the fact...
11:24
that the suffering of man is both necessary and useful...
11:26
which is revealed to us during Raskolnikov's redemption?
11:29
Nothing. - You got a deal.
11:32
Sorry about that. Once every seven hours, like clockwork.
11:38
Oh, my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?
11:42
Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.
11:45
Hilary, could you pass the salt? - Pass him the salt.
11:49
So, as I was saying, student body elections are next week...
11:52
and I have personally been wedgied by both candidates.
11:55
Whoa. You hear that, Hilary? Looks like you're a winner with Steve.
11:58
Help me!
12:00
Dad, you can't go around abducting people just because you're C.I.A.
12:04
Hilary, look out for the mines! - [Explosion ]
12:06
[Scream ] - What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?
12:08
You said, "Look out for the mines." -I said "Look out for the mines."
12:12
I didn't have this problem getting girls.
12:15
A little observation, Stan. Steve isn't like you.
12:18
You're a big, powerful guy. Women are attracted to power, and Steve just doesn't have any.
12:23
That's it. If Steve needs power...
12:25
I'll rig the school election and make him student body president.
12:28
Wow. Can you do that? - Rigging elections is my bread and butter, Roger.
12:32
You know how many votes George Bush actually got in the first election?
12:38
All right, Steve. Now the key to fixing any election...
12:40
is to cast doubt on your opponent.
12:42
Vote Shelly Maxwell for student body president. Shelly for president.
12:46
Sure, you can vote for Shelly Maxwell, if you don't mind voting for a prostitute!
12:50
What? - Don't play coy, you cardigan Jezebel!
12:53
I have photographic evidence of you having sexual relations with the Jack in the Box man.
12:57
[Gasping ] - Ew!
12:59
The Jack in the Box man? He's not even human! - That's sick!
13:02
Dad, is that really the Jack in the Box man? - Yeah. He's in our basement.
13:07
[Screaming ] - [Screaming ]
13:12
You know, I got an "A" on that paper. - My pleasure.
13:15
Got anything else in the pipeline? - I've got a poli-sci paper.
13:18
You know anything about Henry Kissinger? - All I know is he's Jewish...
13:21
but if you get me some churros, I can probably stretch that into about 12 pages.
13:31
Hey, Steve. Congratulations.
13:34
Why, thank you, Lisa. Say, I was thinking, maybe you and I could—
13:39
Go out? I'd love to. - Yes!
13:42
Oh, my God! Score, score, score, score, score!
13:46
Women love a man with power. - You were right, Dad.
13:49
Hey. Sorry to interrupt, Stan.
13:52
I was gonna take a shower, but we're all out of Prell. You mind pickin' some up? - Yeah, yeah.
13:56
Thanks. Oh, hey, Steve, kudos on the beeyatch.
14:00
Man, your stream is so powerful. - Thanks.
14:03
I wish your locker wasn't right next to the boys' room.
14:05
Yeah, me too. Then again, I am student body president.
14:09
Smith, what's the meaning of this?
14:12
Principal Lewis, I'm taking your office.
14:15
Pursuant to Pearl Bailey High Statute 39-F, quote, "The student body president...
14:19
may acquisition any room on school premises for the purpose of conducting school business."
14:23
You can read! The system works! I'll be back for my stuff.
14:29
You're amazing, Steve. I'm gonna go tell everyone we're going out.
14:36
This is it. I have absolute power.
14:39
Doris, could you please send in our high school mascot?
14:43
Welcome, buffalo. As you must have heard...
14:46
I've been elected student body president.
14:48
As such, I can do anything I want...
14:50
and I want... to ride the buffalo! - [ Braying ]
14:53
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Yes!
14:56
-I'm riding the buffalo! - [Continues Braying ]
15:01
[ Buffalo Snorts ] - Now send in the lunch lady.
15:06
The lady's steak is not nearly Salisbury enough. Take it back.
15:10
Steve, you're the greatest boyfriend I've ever had.
15:13
My dear, I'm just getting started. Bobby, get over here.
15:16
I want my Shazam! shirt dry-cleaned and pressed by third period.
15:19
Oh, and another thing. All periods will now be called "Steves."
15:22
Hey, I'm thinkin' of cuttin' third Steve. You in?
15:25
Yeah, as long as I'm back by fourth Steve. - So if it's a statement,
15:28
it should always be followed by a Steve.
15:30
Mr. Philips, may I be excused? I'm having my Steve.
15:35
Mmm. Oh, Hayley, you are the best.
15:38
Mmm. Now what else we got here? Chocodiles. Haven't tried those.
15:43
Oh. Oh-ho-ho.
15:45
Oh, my God! How good are these!
15:49
Oh. Mmm-mmm. Dangerous. Mmm.
15:53
How's my paper comin', Roger? You know, it's due tomorrow morning.
15:56
I got it under control, Hayley. Do not worry. - Okay.
15:59
By the way, Hayley— Oh, my God. These Chocodiles—
16:03
These Chocodiles, Hayley— Oh, my God.
16:05
These Chocodiles— Oh, my God.
16:07
Um, yeah. They're good. Back to work. - I'm on it.
16:16
[ Birds Chirping ]
16:20
[ Gasps ] Oh, no. Hayley!
16:23
Hayley! Hayley, wake up. I fell asleep. I had a sugar crash and I fell asleep.
16:27
I didn't do the paper. - What? It's due in two hours!
16:30
I know. I'm a douche bag, but the important thing now is to find a way to buy more time—
16:35
Holy frijole. I got an idea.
16:38
Well, under the circumstances, I think we can give you another few days for your paper.
16:42
Thank you, Mr. Goodwin.
16:48
Hey, these chocolate lockers were a great idea!
16:50
Mine has nut clusters. Thanks, Steve. - No problem.
16:53
I am a river to my people, and! I hope you're all enjoying the computer lab...
16:57
now that I've disabled the porn blocker.
16:59
Yeah. I never knew Todd's mom had a Web site.
17:01
Pretty sexy, huh, guys? - Sure is, Todd.
17:04
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
17:07
Ew. What are you doing? - What? I'm kissing my woman.
17:11
Steve, I like the perks of dating the school president, but I'm not gonna kiss you.
17:15
I mean, I'm beautiful, and you're repulsive.
17:19
But— But I thought you liked me. - Yeah. You were supposed to.
17:26
[ Moaning ]
17:31
Attention: There is a new school policy.
17:34
[On PA. ] Anyone caught holding hands, hugging or swapping saliva...
17:37
will be expelled from school permanently.
17:41
It's too risky right now. I'll come back tonight.
17:44
[ Phone Ringing ] - This is Stan Smith.
17:47
Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.
17:50
Oh, God. He's gay. This is it. This is the gay call.
17:52
I've been ready for this for years. - Uh, no.
17:55
It's just that he's gone mad with power.
17:57
He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.
18:01
I see. Henry, antidote!
18:03
Hey, how'd the dead dog work out? Did it buy us some time?
18:07
Yeah. He gave me till Monday. - Oh, great. Here's my list.
18:10
Sorry, Roger. That was too close a call. I'm gonna do my own work.
18:14
Wha-— But I— Wh-Where am I gonna get my fix?
18:17
Not my problem. - You can't do it alone, Hayley.
18:19
You don't have the skills. You're not smart enough.
18:23
Somebody'll clean that up.
18:28
Steve, this is your father. - Get out of here, Dad. I'm not comin' out.
18:32
All right. I'm going in. Francine, keep talking to him.
18:34
Be careful, honey. - Hey, don't worry about me, kiddo.
18:38
Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Are you all right? - I'm fine, honey. It's okay.
18:41
Oh, God. I just meant to brush you lightly. - I know, sweetie. It's all right.
18:43
I guess I don't know my own strength. - Go get Steve, honey.
18:46
Right. - Steve, it's Mommy.
18:49
Listen, honey. You're not alone.
18:51
When I was your age, I had a huge crush on someone too—
18:55
Mr. Feeny, my algebra teacher.
18:58
Such a cute man with a neat little beard. [ Chuckles ]
19:02
Of course, he didn't take me seriously, but that all changed...
19:05
when His wife found me in their closet...
19:07
cutting myself and sniffing his T-shirts. -[ Yelps ]
19:11
Dad, what are you doing? - Stopping you from making a huge mistake.
19:15
[Francine On Bullhorn ] I lied and told the police we were lovers.
19:18
He either killed himself or he's in jail-- - Francine, for God's sake!
19:21
I got him! Wanna talk about it, champ?
19:24
Dad, Lisa only liked me because I was school president.
19:27
She thinks I'm repulsive, and the worst part of it is, she's right.
19:31
Steve, I promise you, and this comes from years of experience: Women are never right.
19:36
I was crazy to think any girl could ever like me.
19:39
Look at me. I am repulsive.
19:42
No, you're not. Look, Son. Roger was right. You're not like me.
19:45
You're not as good looking or as strong or as smart or as good sexually.
19:49
[Francine On Bullhorn ] Oh, wait. He killed himself in jail
19:52
Damn it, Francine! We're having a moment here!
19:54
Listen, Son. I'm gonna show you something I've never shown anyone before.
19:58
That's me when I was your age. - Oh, my God! You were hideous!
20:01
Well, I certainly wasn't the stallion I am today.
20:04
The point is, Steve, you'll be just fine, because you're chock-full of potential.
20:07
Wow. Thanks, Dad. Aw, but I don't wanna face Lisa Silver.
20:12
I got you covered. Hello? I.N.S.?
20:14
Is this Nick? Hey, Nick. It's Stan. Hey, what's goin' on?
20:18
Hey, how'd that wiretap on your wife work out?
20:21
Oh. Oh. Sorry about that.
20:24
But, hey, better with your brother than some stranger, right?
20:27
Yeah. Movin' on. Movin' on. Right. Right.
20:30
Say, listen, could you do me a huge favor?
20:32
You know the Silver family at 419 Elm? Yeah. Let's deport them.
20:36
You're the best, Dad.
20:40
Mmm. Great stew, Francine.
20:43
The peas are like floating survivors from a sunken beef ship.
20:46
Steve, you're awfully quiet. Are you still upset about what happened at school?
20:50
I'm fine with that. I just wish I was smoother with the ladies.
20:56
Oh, okay, Melissa. So I'll meet you at the arcade tomorrow after school.
21:00
Bye. Thanks for the help, coach.
21:02
My pleasure. But if you expect to get any boob...
21:05
I'm gonna need a butt-load of Twinkies.
21:09
Uh, "Gesundheit"?
21:44
Have a great night.
