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I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
S01E02 Threat Levels
04:24 – 04:26
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Well, that was bold television, and we still have a minute to spare.
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Aw, sweetie, there was a 70%, 80% chance of that happening anyway.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:29
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Man ] The Channel 3 Noon Report...
00:34
with anchor partners Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
00:36
News that's independent, proud and unashamed.
00:40
Good news to report today, Greg. - Sure is, Terry.
00:42
The threat level has just been lowered from yellow to blue...
00:44
prompting across-the-board reductions in security measures.
00:46
This is the first time the threat level has been blue...
00:49
same color as my handsome coanchor's eyes.
00:51
Stop. - Come on now. We've talked about this.
00:53
Learn to take a compliment. - Thank you.
00:55
See, now how hard is that, huh? All right, let's check the freeways.
00:59
Hey, they just lowered the terror level. I saw it on the news.
01:02
Sweet. Wanna play backgammon?
01:09
Well done, fellas. Our country is a full color value safer.
01:12
Hey, everyone. The boss just said we could take a half day.
01:15
All right! I got stuff to do.
01:18
[ All Yelling ]
01:23
[ Yells ]
01:25
[ Bell Clanging ]
01:27
Wanna get baked and ride the escalators at the mall? -Do!
01:32
Roger, take something out or close the refrigerator.
01:35
Nothing looks good to me.
01:37
You know what looks good to me? Francine bent over that sink.
01:41
Klaus, calm down. Well, you're home early.
01:44
Well, that's my reward for making the world a safer place.
01:46
That and this magnificent government paycheck.
01:49
That's my Stan the Man.
01:51
Here's your allowance, champ. - Wow, a whole five bucks.
01:54
Yeah, I'm gonna need change. - I can't buy a Game Station with this.
01:57
You know, when I was a boy, five dollars was—
01:59
Tell you what. I'll give you $10 not to tell me this story.
02:02
[ Sniffs ] Oh, what's this? Smells like crap.
02:05
That should be empty. I had my soup for lunch.
02:07
Honey, why is there a biohazard symbol on your thermos?
02:10
Let me see that. [ Sniffs ]
02:22
This is not soup.
02:24
This is the scene in Langley Falls, Virginia...
02:26
where the Smith family's been quarantined in their two-story Georgian Colonial home.
02:29
Actually, Terry, it's an updated Cape Cod. The shutters are a dead giveaway.
02:32
You're right, Greg. Thanks for correcting me. That's how I learn.
02:35
The Smiths have been exposed to a biological agent...
02:37
which will eventually liquefy their internal organs.
02:40
We have a computer-generated image of what that might look like.
02:42
But I must warn you— this is not for the squeamish. - I'm not gonna look.
02:45
Oh, no, this is a nightmare.
02:47
Don't worry, honey. You know how the media sensationalizes everything.
02:50
Hey, friend, what's the real deal?
02:52
The good news is you're not going to die— - See there?
02:55
What a relief! - Thank God!
02:56
Wunderbar! - for 24 hours.
02:58
Which is just enough time for you to learn...
03:00
not to interrupt someone when they're talking.
03:04
Don't worry, Tony. We'll find a place to build that homeless shelter.
03:07
Thanks for all your hard work, Hayley.
03:09
And thanks for walking me home. - Oh, my God!
03:14
Hayley! - They let me come say good-bye.
03:17
I'm gonna miss you guys.
03:19
Hey, how come she gets to live?
03:21
Because I was out helping the homeless...
03:23
while you were here being a loser. - Oh, yeah?
03:26
Who's the loser now, loser?
03:28
Mom! Steve just infected me. - Nobody likes a snitch, Hayley.
03:30
I don't believe this. We're all gonna die!
03:34
Yeah, tough break. Can you hold this for me?
03:36
What the hell are you doing? - Measuring for drapes.
03:39
As soon as you're dead, I'm gonna completely redo this place.
03:41
I'm thinking something vibrant, like a seafoam green.
03:46
Oh, 'cause I'm gonna need a lot of happy to get over all this sad.
03:50
Ooh, dimmer switches. Dimmer switches everywhere.
03:53
What makes you think you're gonna survive?
03:55
My species is immune to all human ailments.
03:57
So explain that cold sore. - Mind your own business!
04:00
Oh, stop bickering. Time is precious.
04:03
We have to make the most of our last 24 hours together.
04:06
Your mother's right. We should all sit together as a family...
04:09
and watch the entire first season of 24 on DVD.
04:20
Well, that was bold television, and we still have a minute to spare.
04:24
I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.
04:26
Aw, sweetie, there was a 70%, 80% chance of that happening anyway.
04:30
Daddy? - No tears, damn it! A Smith dies with dignity.
04:34
Kids, I've been tough on you, but only because I love you so very, very—
04:38
Clattering ]
04:41
Right, I should probably wait. - This is it!
04:46
[ Bell Tolling ] - [ Water Bubbles ]
04:49
Look! -[ Screams ]
04:51
[ Screams ] I was just snoozing.
04:53
You're alive. We all are.
04:56
That clock's always fast. Let's give it a few more minutes.
05:01
Good news. Apparently that batch of virus was inert, so that means—
05:04
We're going to be okay. - Yes.
05:06
Although apparently your manners died years ago.
05:10
You're welcome.
05:12
[Sighs ] - Hey, what's wrong, honey? We're alive.
05:15
I Know, and that's good.
05:17
But, well, when I thought we were gonna die...
05:20
it made me realize how little I've done with my life.
05:23
And now I guess I'm feeling... unfulfilled.
05:27
Unfulfilled? But I've given you everything you could ever want.
05:30
You clean, you cook, and once a week we lie together...
05:32
as husband and wife in sexual congress.
05:34
[Hammering ] - What's going on?
05:37
Hi. Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty. Let me bring you up to speed.
05:42
Your virus scare prompted these folks to put their house on the market.
05:44
Any questions? - No, that was very concise.
05:47
Give me a call if you ever need a real estate agent.
05:50
-I'm also a hand model. - Sweet Sean Hannity, your hands are lovely!
05:55
Uh, come on, Francine. - Oh, boy, she seemed so confident.
05:58
And the way she wears that smart cranberry blazer with her company's logo.
06:03
Her life must be so exciting. - You could do what she does.
06:06
You think? - Absolutely.
06:08
We will absolutely get you a real estate costume.
06:11
Oh, you'll look adorable. And I'll dress up as a sea captain...
06:14
and we can take pictures. - I mean a real job.
06:16
No, no, it'll be great. I'll be Admiral Finch from the 58th Flotilla.
06:20
And you'll be Lady Constantina, my real estate agent.
06:22
And we'll promenade around the neighborhood, delighting young and old alike...
06:25
with our saucy banter. -I can't be a real estate agent just because you say so.
06:29
It takes years to get a license.
06:31
You leave that to me, milady.
06:34
[ Kissing Sound, Moaning ] -[ Giggling ]
06:42
Barb Hanson? - Yes?
06:44
Go! -[ Screams ]
06:45
Wait. Go! - [Screaming ]
06:49
[ Screaming ] What? What's going on?
06:53
Congratulations, you're in real estate. Adorable.
06:56
Wait a minute. This is Barb's stuff.
06:58
What happened to her? - She'll be fine.
07:03
Hi. Barb Hanson, Exposition Realty.
07:06
Mind if I borrow one of your napkins? Thanks.
07:09
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
07:16
You let your wife get a job? - No, no, no. It's more like a hobby.
07:20
You know, something to keep her busy until Stan the Man gets home.
07:23
I used to work in real estate. - What are you, gay?
07:25
I was when I worked in real estate.
07:27
Once I stopped selling houses, my sodomy cleared up like that.
07:30
You know what's so wrong about gayness?
07:32
If there are two men, who has the vagina?
07:34
[ Scoffs ] No kidding. You need a vagina.
07:36
Yeah, vaginas are great. Wish I had one.
07:42
-[ Horn Honks ] -I did it!
07:44
-I sold my first house. - Hey, who's my big girl?
07:48
And such a nice family. - Oh, they're just the movers.
07:51
The new owners are Greg and Terry.
07:56
What were you thinking? We don't want their kind in this neighborhood.
07:59
You're overreacting. - Overreacting? Overreacting?
08:03
Do you know what those two are?
08:06
Reporters. That's right, Francine. Members of the liberal media.
08:10
Stan, not all journalists are bad. You like Brit Hume, don't you?
08:14
You know damn well I like Brit Hume.
08:17
Just give Greg and Terry a chance.
08:19
All right, but if I— What? What the hell?
08:22
Dimmer switch. Huh? Huh?
08:26
Oh, I'm sorry. Too fabulous? I hate this place.
08:31
Oh, I haven't even told you the best part.
08:33
Look at my commission check.
08:35
Incredible. That is more than Stan the Man makes in a month.
08:39
And that's just for one house.
08:41
Ooh, you have been emasculated...
08:43
by the superior earning power of your little Hausfrau.
08:47
[ Chuckles ]
08:51
Ah, oh God, stud! Stud! Hit the stud!
08:58
Well, you're in a pickle here.
09:00
I agree. In a relationship, money is power.
09:03
Look, this is just a bump in the road.
09:05
Francine's like a puppy. Sure, she's having fun chewing her new bone...
09:08
and selling a few houses, but soon she'll get bored...
09:11
and go right back to ironing my shirts and scooting her ass on the carpet.
09:13
Open your eyes, Stan. Your very manhood is at stake.
09:17
Oh, that's crazy. -Is it?
09:19
When my wife started working, I didn't think twice...
09:21
but she kept earning more and more money.
09:24
And then one day— Bam!
09:27
[ Gasps ] - And I didn't even get to say good-bye.
09:34
[Tires Skid ]
09:37
Hmm. - Your very manhood Is at stake.
09:40
Your very manhood is at stake. Your ver—
09:42
Okay, that's it. We're not gonna carpool anymore.
09:46
Here's to Mom. She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude...
09:50
and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.
09:54
Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?
09:56
Oh, I have a little surprise. I bought you all presents.
10:00
A donation for my homeless shelter.
10:02
Fifty bucks towards my Game Station.
10:04
A tie? When do I ever wear a tie?
10:07
Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.
10:09
You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.
10:11
I did both. - Well, you can just do it all, can't you?
10:16
Gang, we still need a hundred bucks for that Game Station.
10:19
Don't worry. I have a plan.
10:21
Toshi, you have a video camera, right?
10:24
[ Speaking Japanese ]
10:27
Wow, that's a lot of words for "Of course."
10:31
I get it. We can sell Toshi's camera and get the money.
10:34
Whoa, Barry. Why do you always have to make everything so complicated?
10:37
The plan is quite simple really.
10:39
Toshi will borrow a camcorder from his parents.
10:43
Meanwhile, Snot and I will find some lovely ladies willing to go wild...
10:48
in exchange for a little financial aid.
10:50
We'll have ourselves a little photo shoot.
10:53
After that, we make thousands of duplicates...
10:56
direct market the tapes on late-night cable television.
10:59
[ Glasses Clink ] - And then we retire...
11:01
and live out our days playing video games.
11:08
I got to admit. I wasn't sure about you fellas,
11:10
but sometimes you just wanna be around other men, you know?
11:12
It's nice to meet you too. - Yeah, thanks for, uh, dropping in.
11:16
I envy you guys.
11:18
Just a couple of unmarried studs enjoying life to the max.
11:22
Actually, Greg was married once. - I was confused.
11:24
Is that why you're here, Stan? Are you confused?
11:26
Things are strained between me and the missus.
11:29
The whole balance of power in our relationship has shifted, and, well, I don't like it.
11:33
Oh, I don't blame you. A healthy relationship should be a partnership.
11:35
Well, it's never really equal. Someone always ends up on top.
11:39
Yeah, but you know, sometimes it's okay to switch.
11:41
Really? - Mm, down the line.
11:43
I think I hear what you guys are saying.
11:45
I'm the man, and I have to reclaim the power in my marriage.
11:49
Hey, thanks, fellas.
11:53
Take a picture, why don't you? -I'm just being polite. It'd be rude not to look.
11:59
Forgive me, Francine. i'm only doing this to save our marriage.
12:05
What am I thinking? This is the woman I love.
12:09
That's better. Oh, damn it! I'm such a softy.
12:13
There's gotta be a better way to put her out of business.
12:18
Uh, excuse me, are you Francine's boss? - Yes.
12:21
Go! Go! Go!
12:23
You're all under arrest. - For what?
12:25
Possession of cocaine doughnuts. - Those are powdered sugar.
12:28
Put it in a rap song, jailbird. This office is permanently closed.
12:32
What are you saying? -I'm saying you're fired.
12:35
-[ Clears Throat ] - Oh, for God's sake, somebody pay Mr. Trump.
12:40
So you're sure we can use this house for our video shoot?
12:43
I overheard my mom say it's been on the market so long, everybody's forgotten about it.
12:46
Eavesdropper. You should respect her privacy.
12:50
You guys got beer, right?
12:52
'Cause we're not going wild and exposing our breasts without beer.
12:55
Gotcha covered. - [Asian Language ]
12:59
What?
13:02
We are going neither wild nor totally wild at a homeless shelter.
13:06
But we are taking your beer.
13:08
Hayley, you ruined everything. What are you doing here?
13:11
I'm giving these poor, forgotten people a new lease on life.
13:14
Um, Hayley, I think Phil is dead
13:17
[ Clamoring ]
13:23
Now we'll never get a Game Station.
13:25
Au contraire, my dear Snot.
13:30
Hey, honey, I just heard the news.
13:33
Too bad about your office being closed down.
13:35
Well, looks like I'm making more money than you again.
13:37
I'd advise you to write an offer soon, Randy.
13:40
Mortgage rates aren't going to stay this low forever.
13:42
That's real estate chatter. - Silence, you fool.
13:45
She's closing a duplex at four percent over list.
13:48
Francine, what the hell is going on? You were fired.
13:51
That's passive past tense, Trump. You don't own that. - [ Growls ]
13:55
Stan, I'm on the phone. Sorry, Randy.
13:57
I'm working out of my home office these days.
14:00
Here you go, boss. - Boss?
14:02
I'm Miss Smith's assistant. Can I get you something while you wait?
14:05
Uh, a bottled water. - It's not cold. Is that all right?
14:08
Uh, forget it. - [ Phone Ringing ]
14:11
Fran Smith and Associate.
14:13
Hold her calls. Francine, I want you to stop this nonsense.
14:16
Nonsense? This job is my career.
14:19
No, my job is a career. This is just some silly housewife's hobby.
14:22
Oh, yeah? Well, this silly housewife loves her hobby.
14:26
She's good at it. In fact, she kicks ass.
14:29
So her big career man husband...
14:31
is just gonna have to deal with it. - I could have assassinated you.
14:34
What? - Nothing.
14:38
[Sighs ] - [Hayley] it was my house first.
14:41
You can't stand in the way of progress, butt-face.
14:43
Hey, hey, what's going on here?
14:45
Steve's making the homeless men in my shelter beat each other senseless.
14:49
It's called "Bum Fights." I'm gonna make a fortune selling tickets.
14:52
It's exploitation. You're making money off their pain and misery.
14:56
All right, Hayley, I'll handle this. Let me get this straight, Son.
15:00
You're pitting desperate, downtrodden men against one another...
15:02
In a violent confrontation for profit?
15:04
Yes, sir. -I'm in.
15:11
[ Gasps ]
15:14
What the hell is going on here?
15:16
Ask Dad. He stole my whole Bum Fights idea.
15:19
He won't even give me a piece of the action.
15:21
Okay, I want this to be a class act. I'll introduce you both...
15:23
You'll shake hands, and then I'll throw raw meat on the floor...
15:26
and whoever beats the crap out of the other one gets to eat.
15:28
Dad, you were supposed to shut this down. You're degrading these poor men.
15:31
That's ridiculous. I'm giving them jobs and self-esteem.
15:34
More importantly, I'm giving them costumes and a backstory.
15:37
This is The Garbage Collector.
15:39
He's got his own catchphrase, "I'm taking out the trash and sorting it."
15:44
And this guy, this guy, he grew up in the bayou...
15:47
living with alligators, wrestling with alligators.
15:50
I call him The Aviator.
15:53
Fight night's already sold-out. I set up a ring. Fans can make bets.
15:57
I even put out some nice mixed nuts.
16:00
No! Those are for people.
16:02
I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad.
16:06
Oh, come on, what's more important?
16:08
Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?
16:10
This is pure exploitation. I'm gonna tell Mom. - Go ahead.
16:14
Then your homeless pals will be right back on the street...
16:16
where the nights are cold and the fights are meatless.
16:18
This isn't over.
16:23
Yeah, it's been that kind of week, girlfriend...
16:25
but, uh, hey, T.G.I. hump day, huh?
16:27
Roger, who are you talking to?
16:29
Tammy, down at Mencer Escrow. We're phone buddies.
16:32
Did you copy those title reports?
16:35
Tams, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real "Catch 'U' Next Tuesday."
16:40
Stan the Man is back. Here you go.
16:42
Just my little way of saying you can keep your little job.
16:45
A diamond ring! - I also got you a mink stole.
16:48
Oh, my God! But, Stan, can we afford this?
16:52
Well, you can't, but I can.
16:54
But how did you get— - Shh. Smile for Leroy Neiman.
16:56
He's painting us right now. - That's Leroy Neiman?
16:59
I know, I thought he was black too.
17:02
I've gotta hand it to you, Dad. You really pulled it off.
17:05
Or did you?
17:11
You unionized the homeless?
17:12
Yep. This is the Fighting Bums Local 302.
17:16
[ All] Yeah!
17:19
Here are our demands.
17:21
"Longer red lights at freeway off-ramps. Free doggy day care.
17:25
Human dignity"? I can't meet these demands.
17:27
Then you better start refunding everyone's money...
17:29
'cause there won't be any bum fights tonight.
17:31
No! You can't take my money. - Don't sweat it, Dad.
17:34
I found a bum who's willing to scab.
17:36
Now all you gotta do is dress up like a bum and fight him.
17:39
Son, you're a lifesaver.
17:41
All right, where's the bum who's stupid enough to step into a ring with me?
17:45
[ Growls ] - Who the hell is that?
17:48
He doesn't have a name. - What do you mean?
17:50
He killed his own name.
17:54
Ptooey! [ Laughs ]
17:56
My God, Steve! You couldn't get me The Aviator...
17:59
or The Tickler or Pillow Hands McGraw?
18:01
No way! Not me! I ain't no scab!
18:06
Dad, this is suicide. You're a weapons expert.
18:09
When was the last time you fought hand-to-hand?
18:12
Ill be fine, Hayley. You never forget how to fight.
18:14
It's like beating up a bicycle. - [ Bell Dings ]
18:18
[ Bones Crack, Groans ] - [ Growls ]
18:21
Don't let it eat my heart.
18:24
[ Yells, Grunts ]
18:28
[ Laughs ]
18:29
This is a wonderful starter home.
18:32
I've been saving it for a couple just like you.
18:34
Pretty soon we're gonna be more than a couple.
18:37
Oh, congratulations. I just thought you were fat.
18:40
We're adopting. - Let me show you the backyard.
18:44
It's the perfect place for a baby to play.
18:46
[I Crowd Cheers ] -[ Screams ] - Oh, my God!
18:49
Stop it! Stan, what are you doing?
18:52
Leave my husband alone.
18:54
Look, that bum's wife has to jump in and save him. - What a wuss.
18:58
[All Laughing ]
19:12
[Crowd Gasps ] OH?
19:15
It's a knockout. My dad wins!
19:18
I lost a pile of dough on that one-thumb psycho.
19:21
Me too. Let's exit quickly.
19:24
I did it. I'm Stan the Man.
19:27
Not really. - We paid this guy to take a dive.
19:30
Then bet everything on you. - This whole thing was a setup?
19:34
More of a performance piece. Hi. Ted Fiedler, method actor.
19:38
i'm also a hand model.
19:40
[ Laughs, gasps ] No
19:43
Stan, why did you do this? - Oh, money.
19:47
You make more of it than me. I'm a failure as a man.
19:49
You big dope. Don't you get it? We're a team.
19:52
I know, and you're the owner. I get it.
19:54
No, Stan, we're equals.
19:57
We share everything, good and bad.
19:59
You don't have to feel threatened by my job.
20:02
So, you mean, when you succeed, I succeed.
20:05
Exactly.
20:07
Hey, I was gonna hitch a ride home, but I bit my thumb off.
20:10
So use your other one. - Right. Thanks.
20:13
Hey, teach a man to fish, huh?
20:20
I made you fresh coffee.
20:22
Have a good day at work, partner. - Shh!
20:26
Interest rates went up this morning by a whopping 20 points...
20:28
sending mortgage rates soaring.
20:30
Uh, smart play locking us in on that low fixed rate, Terry.
20:32
Thank you. - Said the man who is finally learning his own self-worth.
20:36
This senseless rate hike by Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan...
20:39
has jeopardized the fragile U.S. economy...
20:41
and put every real estate agent in the country out of work.
20:43
That's a shame. I'm sorry, hon.
20:46
Can I keep this mouse pad? I'm keeping this mouse pad.
20:49
Oh, well, at least I had some fun...
20:51
and you learned there's no need to be threatened by my success.
20:54
Absolutely. Go, Team Smith.
20:59
It's Stan the Man. Release Greenspan's schnauzer.
21:02
Fannie Mae! [ Groans ]
21:05
That's all for the morning report. We'll see you at noon.
21:07
[ Whistling ] - [Greg ] And I'll see you tonight.
21:09
Greg! - Oh, relax. Everybody knows.
21:46
Bye-bye. See you soon.
