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Time for your burn cream.
S01E03 Stan Knows Best
12:18 – 12:20
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Kim, meet my sister Hayley.
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I hope I don't cry like last time.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36
Firing pin! - Hammer!
00:38
Breech bolt! - Come on. Easy game. Name the gun part!
00:40
Breech bolt! - Muzzle!
00:42
Point for Steve! Good one, Son.
00:43
Breech bolt! - Steve already guessed it, Klaus.
00:45
Yeah, what are you? An idiot?
00:47
Say that in mein bowl! I dare you! Say that in mein bowl!
00:51
[ Door Closes ] - Wow, Hayley! Some dye job.
00:54
[ Chuckling ] The carpet match the curtains?
00:57
What did you do to your hair? - I dyed it at a Green Party rally.
01:00
You missed family game night for that? Go wash it out!
01:03
You look like a slutty wad of money.
01:05
No way! - Yes way!
01:07
Stan! - She started it!
01:09
It's my hair. I'm keeping it.
01:11
What the hell is wrong with that girl?
01:13
Do I have to smell like B.O. and hump a redwood just to get through to her?
01:16
Stan, I'm sure this green-hair thing is a phase.
01:19
I bet by tomorrow she'll already be over it.
01:21
Something tells me you're right.
01:25
-[ Moans ] - Shh, shh, shh, shh. Sandman's a-calling.
01:29
Shh, shh, shh. That's right. That's right.
01:31
Bigfoot's baking sugar cookies and Santa wants to take you to the Oscars.
01:38
How's everyone's French toast? - Smelly and ungrateful!
01:41
But this American toast is delicious!
01:43
[ Hayley Screaming ]
01:45
Well, Sleeping Beauty's finally up.
01:48
Whoa! Nice dome. You're almost as ugly as Roger.
01:51
I'm not ugly! Am I?
01:54
How dare you! - How dare I? How dare I?
01:59
I'm sorry. I was at the shooting range this morning, and I left in my earplugs.
02:01
Did you say, "How dare I?" - Mom!
02:03
Oh, Stan, how could you? - How could I? How could I?
02:07
Sorry. Backup pair.
02:09
It's okay, honey. You don't look like a giant penis.
02:12
How am I supposed to go to school with no hair? - Already got you covered.
02:15
Wigs? - Not just any wigs.
02:18
These are styled after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time.
02:21
The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan...
02:24
the Maria Shriver— stay tuned.
02:27
Those are terrible!
02:29
Most girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice.
02:32
Do me a favor. Stay out of my life!
02:35
How do! I look now, Steve?
02:37
Pretty enough for you? Huh? Ah, forget it!
02:40
[Hip-hop ]
02:44
Hey, turn down that rap music! It's a bad influence!
02:47
I swear, yo, shorty be leaning on my last nerve! - Well, what do you expect?
02:51
You shaved her head in her sleep.
02:53
And putting her hand in that bowl of warm water? That was just overkill.
02:57
I wanted to see if it works. It totally does.
03:00
[ Stops ] - Oh, finally.
03:02
Mom, is my wig straight? - Perfect.
03:05
What is that? Horsehair?
03:07
[ Fly Buzzing ]
03:09
[Horn Honking ] - Jeff's here. Later.
03:11
Who's Jeff? - My boyfriend. Don't wait up.
03:14
Boyfriend? How can she be old enough to have a boyfriend?
03:17
She still wets her bed. [ Sighs ]
03:20
Stan, you're so stressed. You want me to make you happy with my mouth?
03:24
Yeah, I guess so.
03:26
[ Blowing Raspberries ] -[ Laughing ]
03:33
Well, that helps a little.
03:35
Stan, maybe you'd feel better if we met this boy.
03:38
Why don't we have him over for dinner so you can get to know him?
03:40
That's brilliant, Francine! Now rephrase it so it sounds like my idea.
03:48
Man, that dance is gonna be a rager!
03:50
Yeah. It's too bad we can't get dates.
03:53
What? Fellas, girls want to get down just as bad as we do.
03:57
Here, here. Watch.
03:59
Hey, foxy. Ohh!
04:01
[All Laughing ] - You got something to say, Barry?
04:04
Easy, Steve. We're just not studs.
04:07
We are the geeks who don't get the choice babes...
04:09
until we're making major cash in our mid-to-late 30s.
04:12
[ Speaking Japanese ]
04:17
No. No, no. You know what?
04:19
Not only am I going to that dance, but I'll bet each of you 20 bucks I also get boob.
04:24
Bring back the bra to prove it? - I'll do you one better!
04:27
I'll wear it back! No. Actually, I'll just bring it.
04:33
[ All Laughing ]
04:35
My surfboard nails me in the head, and I go down like a bag of rocks.
04:38
And just then, my life flashes before my eyes...
04:42
and I'm bored. [ Laughing ]
04:44
[ Laughing ] He's bored!
04:47
Oh, you took us the other way with it, Jeff. Thank you.
04:50
Hey, I just hope one day I, too, have a daughter who's as smart and wonderful as Hayley.
04:54
Oh! Isn't he sweet, Stan?
04:57
He sure is. Next time i'm out of Jolly Ranchers, I'm just gonna suck on Jeff.
05:02
[ Rock ] - Jeff, you were so good at dinner.
05:05
Babe, we're good together. Which is why I was thinking you should move in with me.
05:10
Whoa! It's only been three weeks.
05:13
Besides, I don't think my dad would be too happy with that.
05:15
Babe, your dad digs me. I can tell. He wants us to be together.
05:19
[ Helicopter Hovering ] -[ Muffled Yell ]
05:23
Great. Now it's officially a sausage fest.
05:27
See you tomorrow, fellows. Hey, Sanchez, try to get to work on time for a change.
05:31
[ Laughing ] Hey. No fair.
05:34
Hey, don't make me come up there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you'd better fly.
05:39
Huh. Ah, what a bunch of clowns.
05:42
[ Mumbling, Screams ]
05:44
There. Now you can talk and we took care of that mustache.
05:47
Dad, are you insane? You can't just abduct me like that!
05:50
Hey! Don't you use that word in this house. I "liberated" you.
05:54
And maybe next time you'll think twice before dating the wrong guy.
05:57
There's nothing wrong with Jeff. - Too bad. I forbid you to see him.
06:00
What? - Stan, I'm not sure we should—
06:02
Francine, wait in the car. - What?
06:04
Hayley, this is for your own good. Jeff was much too relaxed at dinner.
06:07
He had the laid-back attitude of a stone man.
06:09
Do you mean a stoner? - Go wait in the car with your mother.
06:12
You can't do this. I'm 18.
06:14
While you're under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
06:17
Dude, this is your house! And you're alive!
06:23
Well, guess what, Dad? I don't have to listen to your rules anymore.
06:26
I'm moving in with Jeff. - What?
06:28
Right on, babe. - Hayley, don't go!
06:32
You get back here, Hayley! No?
06:34
Well, I didn't want to have to use this, but... rhubarb! - Rhubarb?
06:38
Mm. That's her trigger word. I had her brainwashed at five.
06:41
She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take.
06:47
Come on. Let's go to your place. - This is my place.
06:51
What? You live in your van? - No. We live in our van.
06:55
My mom had me right where you're sitting.
07:03
Jeff, how could you not tell me you live in your van?
07:05
Babe, we did it. We took the plunge.
07:08
Come celebrate on the patio.
07:10
Can we just get out of here? I got to get away from my parents.
07:13
This van is Our pen, and the road is our parchment...
07:16
and together we'll drive a poem across America.
07:20
[ Engine Sputtering ]
07:22
[ Engine Stops ]
07:24
Yep. This is the spot. We are right where we need to be.
07:28
Uh! I got to use the can.
07:33
Oh, Stan, I can't believe our little girl moved out.
07:37
Oh, Francine, you are gonna love this.
07:39
Jeff— Y-You know Jeff— Jeff lives in his van.
07:43
And the piece of junk just broke down right outside. She's not going anywhere.
07:47
Stan, are-are you sure she's safe— - Hey, Hayley!
07:50
At least the last time you ran away, you made it all the way to the stop sign!
07:53
[ Chuckles ] Aw, that's funny. I'm funny.
07:56
Don't egg her on! She'll never want to come back.
07:59
Francine, she hates it in there.
08:01
By morning, she'll be back in bed wearing her footsie pajamas...
08:03
and sucking on her Lion King blankie.
08:05
But she got rid of those things years ago. - Not in here she didn't.
08:11
Oh, Stan, our little girl is back!
08:14
Hey, I didn't order "rude" service.
08:17
Roger, why aren't you in the attic? - Oh, it's so cold and drafty...
08:20
which is great for a Michelob, but I got to sleep up there.
08:23
Oh, yeah. That's good. That's not too bright. That's fine.
08:26
Stan, she's still out there.
08:30
What is she squatting over? Oh, Hayley, that's not how you make coffee.
08:34
Is Roger moving into Hayley's room? - No, he is not.
08:38
Fine. I'll go up to the frigid attic.
08:40
I'm supposed to bring pneumonia back to my home planet anyway.
08:44
Stan, I want my baby girl home. Just go down there and apologize.
08:48
No! No apologies. George W. taught me that.
08:51
I just have to remind her how great life is in the Smith home.
08:54
Babe, keep tonight open.
08:56
Marco and Skye are having a wine and cheese thing in their Tercel.
08:59
[ Bleating ]
09:02
Oh, hi, Hayley. I got you a clown and a petting zoo.
09:05
Sure you don't want to move back in? - [ Horn Honking ]
09:07
Maybe the clown will ride the pig. Man, we're having fun!
09:12
How much longer do! I have you for? - Two hours.
09:15
Go read to my wife. - [ Clucking ]
09:19
[ Growls ] Uhh!
09:23
How's the bra hunt coming?
09:25
Making progress. A girl just groped me with her foot.
09:29
[Girls Laughing ]
09:32
What the heck? Since when does Frankle reel in the babes?
09:35
Oh, he's got the sympathy factor working for him.
09:38
His little brother got his arm stuck in a ski lift, tore it right off.
09:41
Boy, that sucks! - Not for Frankle.
09:44
Sure, girls. I'll judge your kissing contest. -[ Giggling ]
09:49
Good news, Francine. - Hayley's back?
09:52
Even better. Say hello to your new daughter! - What?
09:56
Isn't she beautiful? - Is that a Chinese baby?
09:59
Sure is. Japanese to be specific.
10:01
Stan, I don't want a new daughter.
10:03
Don't you get it? I want my Hayley! [ Sobbing ]
10:07
[ Sniffs ] One of us pooped.
10:13
Hayley, what happened? You used to be so easy.
10:16
Eat your peas, Hayley. - Why?
10:18
So you can be strong enough to fight off President Clinton's sexual advances.
10:22
[ Knocking ] - Oh, there he is right outside.
10:28
Hey, Stan. Did you hear? Sanders just killed his first dictator.
10:31
Well, first he was a U.S. ally, then a dictator.
10:34
Yeah, a dictator. I mean, it's good. I'm happy. - Hey, we got to celebrate!
10:38
Lunch and drinks Friday at the place with the buffet? - Great!
10:41
So, Stan, did Hayley move back in?
10:43
No. And Francine is just devastated.
10:46
I mean, if she's this upset now, what's she gonna be like when Hayley dies?
10:49
Have you talked to Hayley? You know, to let her know how much you want her home?
10:52
Absolutely not! I could never grovel to my own daughter.
10:56
But I think I know someone who could.
10:59
-[ Russian Accent ] Paper or plastic? - Burlap.
11:01
I, too, share your annoying concern for the environment.
11:04
Dad? - No! No, I am former Communist named Petrov.
11:08
Like you, I embrace insane left-wing philosophies...
11:11
which are best discussed in comfort of parents' home. - Dad, leave me alone!
11:14
All right, I've had enough of this. You're coming home with me right now or else.
11:18
Or else what? - That'll be 38.40.
11:22
Hey! - Or else you can't use this.
11:24
Your mother and I gave you this card, and I can damn well take it back.
11:27
Fine. I don't need your money. - Good! 'Cause I'm completely cutting you off
11:31
Petrov, go restock that stuff.
11:33
[ Russian Accent ] Can't Susan do it? I on break in, like, two minutes.
11:39
Thanks for tutoring me. - No worries.
11:41
Hey, did you hear about Frankle's brother losing his arm?
11:43
Yeah. Poor Frankle. I just wanted to hug him and never let go.
11:47
Yeah. Yeah. I remember when my sister had Her accident.
11:52
Oh, did I not mention my sister who was horrifically burned over 98% of her body?
11:57
That's terrible! - Only her taint survived.
12:01
Okay, it's on! You pull this off and I'll convince my parents to let you sleep in here.
12:06
Don't worry. I've been studying all day.
12:08
I even watched Meg Ryan's latest movie where she plays that burn victim.
12:11
She never played a burn victim. - Oh, Meg, honey.
12:15
Kim, meet my sister Hayley.
12:18
Time for your burn cream.
12:20
I hope I don't cry like last time.
12:23
What— What happened? - Oh, I was dating a pool guy.
12:26
And he thought it'd be kinky if we gave each other chlorine massages.
12:30
I went first. Ooh! Mm, that's cooling.
12:33
How awful! -I know! I'm hideous!
12:36
You are so not hideous. - Oh, don't tease me!
12:39
No, really. It's your eyes and the unique shape of your head.
12:44
I think you're beautiful. -[ Clears Throat ]
12:46
Oh, oh. And Steve's been a super little brother.
12:49
Freezing my Snickers, sticking me in the shade outside.
12:52
Steve, that is so sweet. -I know.
12:54
Want to go to the dance? - I'd love to.
12:56
Great! Well, see you, Hayley.
13:00
I am beautiful! [ Laughing ]
13:03
Mm! Uh! Oh! Saw my tushy.
13:13
Impressive, Miss Smith. A lesbian of color couldn't have done a better job.
13:17
I'd give it an "A," if you had paid your tuition. - What?
13:21
But I'm paid up for the semester. Dad.
13:24
There are no free rides here at Groff Community College.
13:27
You have three days to pay your tuition. - A Whole semester's tuition?
13:31
How am I supposed to come up with 85 bucks in three days?
13:34
Welcome to House of Hoagies. Can I get you a sandwich...
13:37
[ Sexy Voice ] with nothing on it?
13:39
[ Rock ] - [ Cheering, Hollering ]
13:41
Hey, waitress, bring me a beer. - I just brought you one.
13:44
Yeah. This one's to drown my crabs.
13:48
Don't worry, doll. It gets easier.
13:51
I'm fine. At least I'm not being exploited like these poor strippers.
13:55
Exploited? Sweetie, these girls are being empowered. - Yeah, right.
14:00
Think about it. All they do is show their breasts...
14:02
and men hand over hundreds of their hard-earned dollars.
14:09
Who's really being exploited here?
14:12
Plus, to quote Camille Paglia, these ladies are sexual conquerors...
14:15
controlling the channel between nature and culture.
14:17
Take it off, bitch!
14:19
Camille Paglia, huh?
14:23
Hey, Stan, everything work out with Hayley?
14:25
No. I had to cut her off like a diseased hand.
14:28
And like any diseased hand, sooner or later she'll come flopping back.
14:31
They always do. - Yep, I got her right where I want her.
14:34
[Man On Speaker ] All right, gentlemen.
14:36
Let's welcome to the stage, Dusty!
14:40
[Man ] Yeah! - [ Cheering, Whooping ]
14:45
Oh, my God! What is she doing?
14:48
Pretending to ride a horse.
14:50
If you want to see a real horse, you got to go to the track.
14:56
Come on. We're all leaving. The girls here are "vugly."
14:59
We can't leave. We just got here.
15:07
[Alarm Blaring ] - Oh, no! Somebody pulled the alarm!
15:10
You know what that means. Dusty, you're on fire!
15:13
And that's a double dance for you! Ha!
15:19
Ow! - How could you let Hayley do this?
15:22
Do what? - Don't play dumb. You know she's stripping!
15:24
Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Susie-Q's, her— her, uh, uh...
15:30
Wh-What are those called? Those— The little pink with coconut?
15:33
Th-They're really good. Uh— - Her Snowballs?
15:35
You bastard! - I didn't know she was stripping!
15:38
Don't lie to me, stone man. - For real.
15:40
She said she was out torching SUV's.
15:42
I'd never be cool with stripping. - Really?
15:44
Yeah! I mean, I've dated three strippers, and two of them turned up dead.
15:48
And the cops always go to the boyfriend with the van.
15:51
That's profiling, man. And that's wrong.
15:53
Well, that's the price you pay for the sweet pleasure of van ownership. Let's go!
15:57
[ Doorbell Rings ]
15:59
Kim! Wow, you look great! B-But the dance isn't for two hours.
16:04
Yeah. But I got to be up early for church camp.
16:06
So! I thought we'd fool around beforehand. [ Chuckles ]
16:09
Thank you, Jesus.
16:13
Oh, wait. Can I say hi to your charred sister first?
16:16
I was also thinking some mascara, you know, to draw focus to my eyes.
16:20
You know what else? Some blush would really bring out your cheekbones.
16:23
I love that idea! Paint me! Paint me!
16:33
[ Heavy Metal ]
16:35
Oh, yeah. Who's your daddy?
16:37
-I am! - Dad!
16:39
Blow up many four-runners today? Or did you four-get?
16:43
Jeff, I'll, uh, do the talking. - Let me go!
16:46
Hey, she's not going anywhere! - Yeah? Who's gonna stop me?
16:51
I see. Well, I don't want any trouble.
16:54
Ill just be on my merry little way—
16:57
[ Karate Yell ]
17:01
Hey, Bo Peep. I know where you can find your sheep. In hell!
17:11
Hayley, are you in there?
17:13
I brought some fresh laundry and rinsed out your tinkle can. Hello?
17:20
[ Gasps ] Hayley's working at a booby bar?
17:24
And she traded shifts with Tina?
17:27
What does Tina have to do that's so important?
17:30
Oh, wait. This isn't about Tina.
17:32
[ Gasps ] This isn't about Tina!
17:35
It's never been about Tina.
17:38
Kim, we are running out of time if we're going to, you know, get busy.
17:42
Here I come!
17:45
[ Gasps ] Oh, you look gorgeous!
17:47
Doesn't she look gorgeous, Steve? - Stunning.
17:49
Can I talk to you, Sis? Would you cut it out?
17:52
I should be touching her na-nas right now!
17:54
All you had to do was sit there and be ugly.
17:56
-[ Gasps ] I am not ugly! - Steve!
17:59
Th-That's not what I said. Tell-Tell her, Hayley.
18:01
Or maybe you don't want to stay in this room anymore.
18:04
Kimmy! He wants to lock me in the attic like I'm some kind of disgusting monster!
18:08
Well, you are! - Shut up!
18:10
You shut up! -[Grunting ]
18:13
I never want to see you again, Steve! - [ Door Slams ]
18:17
Roger, I thought we had a deal.
18:19
Rouge can make a fellow do crazy things, Steve.
18:22
Sorry I ruined your plan. - Sorry I called you ugly.
18:26
Well, I guess I'll go let the guys know I'm a loser after all.
18:29
Steve, wait.
18:31
Kimmy loaned this to me.
18:33
Roger, you are beautiful.
18:41
Way to go, Mr. S.
18:44
[ Groaning ] You're so hot!
18:49
[ Air Hissing ]
18:51
Oh, I remember now.
18:54
I was gonna be a civil engineer.
18:58
What are you gonna do? Tickle me to death?
19:11
You're coming home right now! - I don't have to listen to you!
19:14
Stop! just stop right there!
19:17
We've tried doing things your way, and it's only made things worse.
19:20
But she's making so many mistakes. - You sound just like my father.
19:24
He never supported my choices.
19:26
My dad didn't support me either. That's why I started stripping.
19:30
Me too. - Same here.
19:32
Yeah. Plus my uncle touched me.
19:34
I never meant to drive Hayley away.
19:36
Stan, we need to listen to these ho-bags.
19:39
Hayley's gonna make mistakes, but they're hers to make.
19:42
And as parents, the most important thing we can do is be supportive.
19:45
Supportive? Yes.
19:48
Heavy Metal ] -[ Cheering, Shouting ]
19:50
Ooh, yeah!
19:52
Shake it, baby! You will not break it!
19:55
It took me nine months to make it!
19:57
Give me some more singles. - You used to look like that.
20:01
What are you guys doing? - Being supportive.
20:04
Look, I've been treating you like a little girl. And, well, you're a grown woman.
20:08
You made that abundantly clear halfway through that Jay-Z song.
20:11
Oh, come back home, honey. - What do you say?
20:14
Give your old man a second chance. - I'll think about it.
20:18
You have some pretty terrific parents.
20:21
I guess that means you're done here, and you'll be going back home, huh?
20:23
Yeah. Then again, the girls are really nice, and the money's awesome.
20:28
No, I think I'll stay. Hit it, Ron!
20:31
Heavy Metal ] -[ Cheering, Shouting ]
20:34
[ Stops ] - [All Gasping ]
20:37
Oh, man! That's gross! - Yeah. That's the one place you want them to have hair.
20:42
[ All Booing ]
20:46
Oh, I got a good one! - "Quivix?" That's not a word.
20:49
It is on my planet. - Is it a proper noun?
20:53
Damn! -I'm going out with Jeff.
20:55
Hey, be home by 11:00. - Dad!
20:57
Okay. Just be safe. - Thanks, Daddy.
21:01
[ Door Closes ] - All right, you have visual?
21:04
All right, stay three car lengths behind her and check in with me every half hour.
21:09
[Stan ] Yes, I know! She's got a great ass! Stay on it!
21:46
Have a great night!
