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No, I'm never coming home.
S01E04 Francine's Flashback
12:33 – 12:35
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Because you're smothering me, Linda.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
Shoot him! Shoot him! -[ Laughs ]
00:38
Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
00:40
Don't trust him! He just pretends to eat cookies, but he never swallows anything.
00:44
[ No Audible Dialogue ] - Good morning.
00:46
Francine, your negligee is see-through. Unfortunately, you are not.
00:50
Oh, Stan, doesn't today have some special significance for you?
00:54
Today? Wait!
00:56
Is today the 14th? - Yes. Yes, it is.
00:58
Good God! How could I forget a date so dear to my heart?
01:02
It's the big CIA. fishing trip.
01:08
You're gonna do the laundry anyway, right?
01:10
Hmm! No time to poop. I'll just do it on the way down the stairs.
01:13
You're gonna vacuum anyway, right?
01:15
[ Toilet Flushing ]
01:17
See you, Mom. I'm going to the mall to try and figure out...
01:19
how the piano store stays in business.
01:21
Hold up, Steve. I'm going with.
01:23
Whoa, Roger. You know you can't leave the house.
01:25
Everyone else gets to. - Well, everyone else isn't an alien, now are they?
01:29
Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.
01:33
I just can't believe Stan forgot our anniversary.
01:36
I would never forget our anniversary. - We have an anniversary?
01:40
October 25, the day you forgot to put on underpants.
01:43
Let's celebrate early. Quick! Straddle mein bowl.
01:50
Hayley, do Mommy a favor and put on something less revealing.
01:53
There is nothing inappropriate about this outfit.
01:56
Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkling on Bob Guccione.
01:59
Oh, God, Mom. Were you ever cool?
02:02
Oh, yeah, Hayley? Well, I pity the fool who thinks I'm uncool.
02:06
Get it? I was making a Dr. "T" reference.
02:10
Hey, Hayley, guess where I'm taking you this weekend.
02:12
Burning man
02:16
It's this awesome celebration...
02:18
where they burn this huge wooden man.
02:20
It's all about life, love and the power of community.
02:22
No, it's all about a bunch of naked morons...
02:24
drinking and doing lots of drugs.
02:27
What are we, 12? - Wait. Before you decide—
02:29
This is a microcosm of the power that is Burning Man.
02:36
[ Screaming ]
02:38
Imagine this, but 70 feet tall. [ Screaming ]
02:42
[ Stan ] Ah, nothing like the great outdoors.
02:44
Who's ready to do some fishing?
02:46
Yeah, yeah! Let's go fish! Yeah.
02:48
This is Cast Master One. Bring in air support.
02:56
Look, it's Ariel.
02:59
Hey, Jackson, you ever do it with a dead mermaid? - Mermaid? No.
03:04
Oh, my God. Lindsay Coolidge.
03:08
[Snot] Could she be any sexier?
03:10
[ Speaking Japanese ]
03:14
Gross! She'd never do that, Toshi.
03:17
Besides, where are we gonna get a dozen Ping-Pong balls?
03:19
Hey, Steve, she's coming this way.
03:21
Ask her out— unless you're afraid.
03:23
You forget yourself, Snot. Steve Smith is never afraid.
03:28
I'm Steve Smith. Would you like to go out with me?
03:30
I'd love to. - Really?
03:32
On one condition. You gotta find a date for my friend Jewel.
03:34
No problem. - Here she comes now.
03:36
[ Heavy Footsteps ]
03:40
[ People Clamoring ]
03:46
Hey, Jewel, Steve here is gonna set you up on a date.
03:48
Jewel, I'd like you to meet my friends.
03:51
Godzilla!
03:56
I can't believe that Dummkopf didn't remember your anniversary.
03:59
And after what happened last year—
04:02
Oh, that was classic.
04:07
That jerk forgot our anniversary!
04:10
Keep her away from me! - Aah!
04:12
Okay, okay. I'm cool.
04:14
[ Yells ]
04:17
Ach, ja! This is my favorite part.
04:19
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes!
04:21
[ Loud Crash ] - [ Both Laughing ]
04:24
He could never forget a beating like that.
04:26
I'm sure he's just waiting for the perfect time to surprise me.
04:30
After all, our anniversary isn't over till midnight.
04:33
This midnight fishing is great.
04:35
Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.
04:37
Yeah, I'm, uh, laying low.
04:39
Today is the anniversary of a huge fight...
04:41
me and Francine got into last year.
04:43
Yeah? What about? - Oh, I forgot our anniversary.
04:46
[ Laughs ] I'm never gonna do that again.
04:49
I— Uh—
04:57
-[ Screams ] - There it is.
04:59
-[ Tires Screech ] - Oh, good. You're up.
05:00
-[ Tires Screech ] - Oh, good. You're up.
05:02
I, uh, have a special anniversary surprise for you.
05:05
Your favorite song...
05:07
sung by America's sweetheart, Whitney Houston.
05:09
Come on, daddy. I-- I need my fix.
05:11
Remember the deal, Whitney. First you sing, then you get your precious cocaine.
05:15
How dare you! Do you think I would—
05:25
Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
05:27
Come on, Whitney. Go get it.
05:30
What a performer. Well, let's turn in.
05:33
You know what? If you don't get why this day...
05:35
is so important to me, I guess you never will.
05:38
Sweetie, I made a mistake.
05:40
Can't you take a page from that bitch Hillary Clinton and just let it go?
05:43
No! This is the most inconsiderate thing you've ever done.
05:47
I am never going to forget this.
05:49
I was afraid you were gonna say that—
05:51
which is why I got you this card.
05:53
Open it. I promise it'll make everything better.
05:55
There's nothing that could— Oh. -[ Hissing ]
06:01
Thank God for top-secret C.i.a. technology.
06:03
Just lose the last 20 hours of her memory.
06:05
That ought to get me out of the doghouse. - Francine?
06:09
Francine, can you hear me? - Don't kick me out.
06:11
The bouncer said I could, like, totally meet def Leppard.
06:15
Def Leppard? - Francine, what year is it?
06:18
Duh. 1985. Hey, anybody got some gum?
06:21
I wanna get the taste of roadie out of my mouth.
06:23
[ Hissing ]
06:25
Why the hell does my wife think it's 1985? - Huh.
06:28
Instead of erasing the last 20 hours...
06:30
I must have erased the last 20 years.
06:33
Oh, I guess this is the dial for hours...
06:36
and this is the dial for years. Yeah. Yeah.
06:44
The last 20 years of your wife's memory have been erased.
06:47
Well, go ahead and undo it.
06:49
Reverse brain erasing? Now that's just science fiction.
06:51
Kind of like the female orgasm.
06:53
[ All Laughing ]
06:59
Oh, that's great. You gotta do stand-up. You gotta. You're great.
07:01
You know, you're not the first person who's told me that.
07:03
I bet I'm not. I bet I'm not.
07:05
Anyway, Stan, the procedure is irreversible.
07:08
You're kidding. - Fraid not.
07:10
But if you do figure something out, let us know...
07:13
and we'll name the discovery after you—
07:15
like they did for Johnny Flyswatter or Doug Reach-Around.
07:21
You permanently erased Mom's memory?
07:23
Well, that's just what the experts at the lab say...
07:25
but there's no way she could ever forget me.
07:27
I mean, who could forget this? Or this?
07:30
Or these? Go on, kids, give 'em a squeeze.
07:33
It's not weird. I'm your dad. - She's coming to.
07:35
One look at me and her memories of our love will come flooding back.
07:41
Narc! Narc! [ Screams ]
07:43
What? What? Oh, God, is there a bee on me?
07:45
Oh! Does it look Africanized?
07:47
Hey, baby. [ Kisses ] -[ Screams ]
07:49
Mom. -[ Screams ]
07:50
You idiot. Why would you do that?
07:52
I thought it was like the hiccups.
07:54
[ Hisses ]
07:57
Okay, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
07:59
Maybe we should watch the video.
08:02
Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost?
08:05
Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman.
08:07
You might not remember me from such movies...
08:09
as While You Were Sleeping and twister.
08:11
Wait. Was I in twister? No. No, that was Bill Paxton.
08:15
See? Memory can be pretty tricky...
08:17
so that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them...
08:19
their brain will implode.
08:21
Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman.
08:23
Oh, oh! I was also in independence D—
08:25
Jeff Daniels is right.
08:27
We have to maintain the illusion that your mother is still 18...
08:30
or it's going to get very messy in there.
08:32
So what do we do? - Well, when she was 18, she lived in West Langley...
08:35
so we need to get her back into her old apartment.
08:38
Hayley, you can keep an eye on her by being her roommate.
08:40
What? I don't want to live with Mom. Besides, I'm sure someone lives there.
08:44
[Knocking ]
08:46
Good day, ma'am. I'm a friend of your child.
08:48
He or she has asked me to take you...
08:50
to a wonderful retirement home. - How lovely.
08:54
Right in here, ma'am. - Oh, you're such a nice young—
08:59
[ Woman] Hello? Am I supposed to vote now?
09:05
Please, Pete? Lindsay won't go out with me...
09:07
unless I find a date for her friend.
09:09
She's not that bad-looking— and besides, you're blind.
09:12
Come on. You went to the Winter Ball with that guy.
09:15
Yes, it was a guy.
09:17
Hello? [ Sighs ]
09:19
It's like there's not a human being alive that would go out with that girl.
09:27
[ Yawns ] Who are you?
09:29
Uh, Hayley, your new roommate.
09:32
Oh, right. I must have blacked out. - Wait a second. You party?
09:37
Totally. [ Sniffs ] I need a shower.
09:41
[Zipper] - Great Grizzly Adams. Who fired the gardener?
09:44
Unbelievable. How did she ever hook up with a stiff like Dad?
09:48
I'll tell you how she hooked up with a stiff like me.
09:50
It was 20 years ago.
09:52
I didn't normally pick up transients, but for her I made an exception.
09:56
Her T-shirt said "Bad Girl"...
09:58
and her eyes said, "Read the T-shirt."
10:01
My God, she was beautiful She was cold to me, but I was hot for her—
10:05
which explained the moderate temperature in the car.
10:08
And then, fate scampered across the road
10:10
[ Brakes Squealing ]
10:13
it was on a slow train to Death City...
10:16
So I asked the conductor if he could skip the next few stops to make up—
10:19
Oh, I shot it in the eye. -[Whimpers ]
10:22
She said it was the most compassionate act she'd ever witnessed—
10:25
and I got to kill something.
10:27
It was a magical moment.
10:29
Well, there you go. If you want Francine back, just recreate that moment.
10:32
Roger, you're a genius! That's how I'll bring back her memory.
10:36
You just gave me my reach-around.
10:41
Hey, old lady, party!
10:45
-[ Laughing ] - Wow.
10:48
[Stan] This is Upstanding Conservative to Dirty Liberal.
10:50
Drop point ahead.
10:53
Can you check the back tire? The car is riding kind of low.
10:56
What the hell? You crazy bitch!
11:00
I love you! You got me.
11:02
Game on.
11:07
Need a ride? - Thanks, pops.
11:10
Hey, are you, like, a narc? I feel like I've seen you somewhere before.
11:13
Nope, first time we've met, Francine. - What?
11:15
Nothing. Stick of your favorite gum? - What?
11:17
Nothing. -[ Beep ]
11:18
[ Chittering ]
11:21
Look out! - [ Engine Guns, Tires Screech ]
11:24
Oh, sweet masked bandit of nature...
11:26
let me put you out of your misery.
11:28
Actually, I don't think you hit it. -[ Chittering ]
11:32
No, he's suffering— pure agony.
11:34
Oh, my God! Stop!
11:36
-[ Gunshot ] - What, are you crazy?
11:38
Crazy with compassion. Come on. Watch me blow its head off.
11:42
[ Chittering ]
11:44
Die! Die! So that you may know peace.
11:50
[ Tires Squealing ]
11:55
[ Man Screams ]
11:57
-[ Chittering ] - Truck!
12:04
Stop the car, you psychopath!
12:08
-[ Chittering ] -[ Gunshots ]
12:15
[ Chittering ]
12:23
[ Yelling ] Oh, God!
12:25
[ Yelling ]
12:29
Raccoon!
12:33
No, I'm never coming home.
12:35
Because you're smothering me, Linda.
12:42
I was wrong. I'll be home by 9:00.
12:45
Because I promised Derek I'd meet him for a drink. That's why 9:00!
12:50
-[ Chittering ] - [ Explosion ]
12:58
And let the love come flowing back.
13:04
Stay away from me!
13:07
[ Sighs ]
13:10
[ Chittering, Coughing ]
13:20
This is great.
13:21
By the way, great call on this Rasta disguise, Steve.
13:24
I'm "ganja" wear it all the time.
13:27
[ Laughs ]
13:29
Hey, Steve, is this your friend?
13:31
Yeah. Lindsay, this is Roger.
13:33
Nice to meet you. - Charmed.
13:35
And this is Jewel. - Your date. [ Laughs ]
13:38
Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm out. I'm out. Ew! Ew!
13:40
Hey, we had a deal.
13:42
Steve, she's so ugly.
13:46
So ugly.
13:49
Too bad. I snuck you out so you could be my wingman.
13:52
Now you can make nice with Jewel...
13:54
or you can go home and rot in the attic. - Uh, Steve...
13:57
"Jamaican" me crazy.
14:00
[ Laughing ] Sorry. I've had that one loaded up all night.
14:04
Ahh. This picture was taken on our honeymoon.
14:06
It's the only photo of Francine where you can't see Vaj.
14:10
Ah, Vaj— the little island boy who served as our tour guide.
14:14
I see from her wristband that you were at a Sandals all-inclusive resort.
14:19
Hmm! Fancy.
14:21
[ Gasps ] Wait a minute.
14:23
I Know just the thing to trigger her memory.
14:31
[ Rock]
14:36
Hayley, I thought we were going to— ~ Burning Man ♪
14:41
Sorry, but my mom decided to throw a rager.
14:44
Besides, Jeff, I never said I was going.
14:47
Party foul! Consume!
14:53
I had this boyfriend. He was in an avalanche.
14:56
He survived three days on melted snow...
14:58
and his grandfather found him...
15:00
because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
15:04
Wow! You had a boyfriend?
15:08
Oh, you have— You have a little thing.
15:11
Oh, Roger, stop it.
15:13
I don't have a hard time looking at you. - At me?
15:17
I can see past your hydrocephalic head...
15:19
and into your beautiful mind.
15:21
You're like Russell Crowe, and I'm Jennifer Connelly.
15:23
Yeah. Yeah, you're Jennifer Connelly.
15:28
[ High-pitched Voice ] Uncomfortable.
15:30
Get a room, you two.
15:32
Maybe we should lead by example.
15:34
Or we could just go back to your place and make out.
15:37
[ Sighing ] Yeah, okay, I understand.
15:39
Well, I had a fun time anyway. See you at school.
15:47
Okay!
15:48
[ Continues ]
15:51
Hayley, where's your mother? - Last time I saw her she was in the kitchen...
15:54
serving up body shots. - What a hostess.
15:56
She's not here. - There's a note in frosting on the fridge.
16:00
"Hayley— Me and Jeff went to Burning Man together.
16:02
Rock on, Francine."
16:04
My mother stole my boyfriend!
16:07
Your boyfriend stole my wife!
16:09
Let's get back at them by dating each other.
16:11
Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.
16:17
[ Yawns ] The sandman's starting to goose me.
16:20
Here. Have some coffee.
16:22
Klaus! - When you come home «und pack...
16:25
I heard you and Hayley talking about this Burning Man...
16:27
So I says to mein self, "Road trip!"
16:30
Stan, by the way, I could not hold mein pee-pee.
16:35
[ Both Laughing ]
16:36
Honestly, I only went out with you to get Jewel a date...
16:39
but you're a lot less of a dork than I thought. - Stick around.
16:42
I think you'll find I'm a lot less of everything.
16:45
You can do whatever you want to me.
16:48
Oh, so I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of Raiders?
16:52
So funny. Kiss me, funny boy.
16:56
-[ Screams ] - I know, I Know. Bad for the ozone.
16:59
[ Rock]
17:02
Yeah, Burning Man is great this year.
17:05
Ow! Ow!
17:08
[Hayley] Dad, we've been searching all night.
17:10
Let's just start fresh in the morning.
17:12
Francine? Francine?
17:14
I'm not just saying this to be clever—
17:16
I really feel like a fish out of water here.
17:21
What's the deal with the flower?
17:23
On our wedding day, I placed this yellow flower in your mom's white bouquet.
17:26
It symbolized her sunshine brightening my otherwise cloudy world.
17:30
Dad, I've never seen this side of you. It's so sweet.
17:33
Well, if you tell anybody I'll kill you.
17:36
[ Both Laughing ]
17:38
Ah. I'm serious. I will kill you.
17:40
I will reach into your chest, pull out your beating heart...
17:42
and eat it— all of it, every last bit.
17:44
Well, sweet dreams, angel.
17:47
I-I-It's not you. It's the timing, you know?
17:49
I just got out of a bad relationship.
17:51
You're lying. I'm a loser.
17:53
Don't be like that. You're not a loser.
17:56
Think how pretty you make people look by contrast.
17:59
That's a gift.
18:01
Gotcha! -[ Groans ]
18:05
Oh, my God! You're an alien!
18:07
Oh, my God! Lindsay! Lindsay!
18:09
Roger is an ali-- -clang ]
18:12
Roger! - She was all over me, and my wig fell off...
18:14
and we'd be in big trouble. -[ Screams ]
18:18
Did you see where they went?
18:20
Who? - The black guys who did this.
18:24
-[ Yawning ] - [Snoring ]
18:26
[ Growls ] - Aah! Mr. Smith!
18:28
Where's my wife? - She ditched me as soon as we got here.
18:31
I just ran away with her to get a rise out of Hayley.
18:34
Please don't kill me! - [Hayley ] Let me get this straight.
18:36
You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a pagan festival...
18:40
just to get my attention? - Did it work?
18:42
Did it ever! Mmm!
18:45
[ Groans ]
18:47
You know, we're about to go on tour to Bangkok and Amsterdam...
18:51
and this hot piece of mama's comin' with us.
18:53
I am ripped off my ass!
18:57
[ Screams ]
18:59
Francine!
19:01
You again? - Look what I have.
19:03
Remember. Please remember.
19:07
How long till it kicks in?
19:09
Oh, Francine, for God's sake, we're married. You love me.
19:12
Look, you're a stiff. I could never fall in love with a suit like you.
19:16
A suit like me? Well then, I'll get rid of the suit.
19:22
Huh? Huh? Look at me. Nothing stiff here.
19:24
Hey, it's never gonna happen with us. Never!
19:31
Because hang-gliding makes me feel alive, Linda, okay?
19:34
[ Beeps ]
19:37
[ Screams ]
19:41
Francine!
19:52
Don't worry. I'm leaving.
19:54
I just wanted you to be safe. -[ Vomits ]
19:57
You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I took it for granted.
20:01
-I'm just happy that— -[ Vomits ]
20:03
Uh, that I got the privilege to be with you for the time that I did.
20:07
[ Vomits ]
20:09
Okay, my shoes are full. I better go now.
20:11
I love you, Francine. It's a little late, but happy anniversary.
20:20
Remember.
20:25
Stan? - Francine?
20:28
Stan, it was so weird. And I was alone and confused.
20:33
And there was this raccoon, and I knew who I was again.
20:37
Oh, Francine, thank God.
20:39
I love you. - I love you too, Stan.
20:42
[ Vomits ]
20:45
That was gross. I still love you.
20:49
Thanks for looking after me. I'm so embarrassed.
20:52
Don't be. You were fun. In fact, you were cool.
20:57
[ Muffled Grunts ] - Oh. Hey, funny story.
21:01
A little bit longer...
21:03
and their last 24 hours will be completely forgotten.
21:05
Oh, thank God. - You are not off the hook, mister.
21:07
[ Groaning ] -I am deeply disappointed in you.
21:09
Dad, I was with this one. - Oh. Well, outstanding.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
