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There's a turd made of solid gold.
S01E06 Homeland Insecurity
15:47 – 15:49
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Jim, look— behind this bush.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[Stan] Aw, damn.
00:34
That jabber-jaw Tuttle's still watering his lawn. - Hey-ey!
00:37
Stan, this is the sixth time we've circled the block.
00:39
I have to pee, and I'm not going in the cup again.
00:42
Tie a knot in it, Francine.
00:44
I will not get stuck talking to...
00:46
Mr. Sincerely-Wants-to-Know- How-You're-Doing Guy.
00:48
God, his genuine interest makes me sick.
00:50
-[ Tires Screeching ] - Oh, come on. He's perfectly nice.
00:53
In today's world, perfectly nice gets you perfectly dead.
00:56
[Engine Clanking ]
01:01
Stupid gas guzzler— that I, as an American, have every right to drive.
01:05
How you doing? - Oh.
01:07
Seriously, I genuinely want to know. - Now's not a good time.
01:09
I just, uh, slammed my hand in the car door.
01:11
[ Yells ] You understand. Come on, Francine.
01:14
Say hi to Betty for me. - Oh, I would...
01:17
but she died six months ago— the big "C."
01:19
Cancer? - Naw, the big letter "C" from the Coca-Cola sign.
01:23
Fell right on top of her.
01:27
Betty died? How did I get so out of touch?
01:31
I used to be friends with everyone on the block.
01:33
Well, you still have friends— like... the washing machine.
01:36
And the family of skillets.
01:38
"Honey, are we driving to your sister's wedding?"
01:40
[In Falsetto ] "No, we're frying." Get it?
01:44
Oh, come on, Francine. How about a courtesy laugh? They're your friends.
01:47
I wish I could just throw a party and reconnect with everyone.
01:51
But of course, I can't. - Why not?
01:53
Because, Stan, your security clearances and background checks...
01:57
make people uncomfortable.
01:59
Remember game night with the McClearys?
02:01
And that's the last time I buy prewashed spinach in a bag.
02:05
[ All Laughing ]
02:07
Ah. So, Laura, you had an abortion in college.
02:10
What? - [ Wailing ]
02:12
Okay, Sports and Leisure for the wedge.
02:15
I just wish that for one afternoon...
02:17
you could stop being C.I.A. guy...
02:19
and just be a normal husband so I could have some friends.
02:23
Gosh, Francine, I didn't know friends meant that much to you.
02:25
Hey, you know what?
02:27
You're gonna throw that party, and it's gonna be...
02:29
the bestest party in all the land. - Oh, Stan, really?
02:31
You promise you'll be good?
02:33
I'll be better than good. I'll be fun, starting now.
02:36
i'll be fun in the kitchen. i'll be fun in the bedroom.
02:38
I'll be fun in the dining room...
02:40
and I'll be fun at Costco when we're shopping for bulk paper towels.
02:43
[ Screams ]
02:44
[ Beeping ] - The alien in this video game is awesome.
02:47
He shoots laser beams, he levitates—
02:49
He's the coolest alien ever.
02:53
Oh, I didn't mean— - No, no, no, no. You said it.
02:55
It's out there. Now we have to live with it.
02:57
Well, it's kind of true.
02:59
You don't have any special powers, do you? -I'm a good listener.
03:02
Do you know how rare that is in this universe?
03:05
Yeah, that'll take down an F-14.
03:07
Can't you do anything? - Well, I can get my feelings hurt...
03:09
and throw a world-class hissy fit.
03:13
I wish he'd get sick like E.T.
03:16
Yes, it's going to be a block party.
03:18
So we'll provide the burgers and beer...
03:20
as long as you provide your charming selves.
03:22
So... no cavity search?
03:24
Available on request. - Oh, you.
03:27
[ All Laughing ]
03:29
Wow! I'm so proud of you.
03:31
You actually are being fun.
03:33
Oh, Francine, F-U-N.
03:36
That spells fun, and that's what I am, a guy who spells fun.
03:39
That just leaves the new neighbors. - New neighbors?
03:42
"Memari." Oh, God, tell me they're not Italian.
03:46
No, I think they're Iranian.
03:50
Holy Ayatollah! - Hi. We're your neighbors, Stan and Francine Smith.
03:54
We came to invite you to our block party.
03:56
Oh, terrific. Bob and Linda Memari.
03:58
We'd love to come. - Well, maybe some other time.
04:00
Aah! So, what part of Islam do you hail from?
04:04
Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.
04:06
Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America...
04:09
and it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.
04:11
So, the block party starts at 3:00 and goes till question mark.
04:15
It's potluck, so bring whatever you want.
04:17
But not smallpox. Ha! Kidding.
04:19
Kind of joking, but not really.
04:22
The enemies of freedom have infiltrated our neighborhood.
04:25
Your mother might be in denial, but the rest of us will be prepared.
04:28
So that's why I have to join the dorky Scout Rangers?
04:30
Hey, the Rangers will teach you the skills you need to survive...
04:34
whether the apocalypse comes in six months or seven months.
04:37
Ahoy, Rangers. Is the scoutmaster around?
04:40
He stepped out for a minute, but my name's Joey.
04:42
Can I help you, sir? - Yes. My son is soft.
04:45
I want you to make him "Rangerific."
04:47
Oh, that's good. By the way, that's trade-marked.
04:49
You can't just use that. Well, good luck.
04:52
Stand straight, Ranger.
04:54
One day you'll look back on this day and—
04:58
Okay, Dudley Do-Right's gone.
05:02
Hey, Spider, beer me.
05:09
Stan, the party's starting.
05:11
You're still planning on being fun, right?
05:14
You betcha. just undergoing a little last-minute "funification."
05:17
Well, I think I'm fully strapped.
05:19
There might be some room left in the vast wasteland...
05:22
between your testicles and anus, hmm?
05:24
Nope. Ocupado.
05:27
Well, I gotta go to a Rangers meeting. - Hold up, Son.
05:29
Remember how I taught you Morse code? - Yeah.
05:31
Well, if you're ever taken hostage, by, say, a neighbor...
05:33
and you end up on al-jazeera...
05:35
just blink your coordinates in Morse code, like this.
05:40
And I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
05:42
But then I'd be dead. - Oh, come on, sport.
05:44
There are plenty of kids in heaven to play with.
05:46
Your cousin Billy. That little girl from Poltergeist.
05:49
She must be at least 16 by now. You could totally hit that.
05:52
[ No Audio ]
05:56
Well, Stan and I thought it'd be nice to get the neighbors together.
05:59
Hey, who's that woman in the tennis dress?
06:01
Karen Foster. Wanna meet her?
06:04
No, I just want Greg to check out her sun-damaged skin.
06:06
That's the kind of leather I want for the couch in the den.
06:08
Mmm. Yeah, nice.
06:10
Hey, Stan. Cheese platter?
06:12
Great. I'll just put it over here on the international table.
06:16
Anyway, glad you could make it. - Are you frisking me?
06:19
Uh, frisking you? No, no, no, no.
06:21
This is just how white people say hello. Hey, grab me a beer?
06:24
Yeah, keep digging. Cold ones are at the bottom.
06:27
What the hell are you doing? - What?
06:29
I like to check orifices for explosives.
06:31
It's a quirk. Indulge me.
06:33
Not very neighborly.
06:36
Okay, Smith, you are hereby an official Ranger— - Awesome!
06:40
if you can recite the oath before the flame hits your hand.
06:43
And show us your penis. - Dude, we don't do that.
06:46
Right, I know. Imagine if we did.
06:49
That'd be gay, right?
06:51
I promise to mislead, deceive, beguile, delude— Aah!
06:54
[ Together ] No!
06:56
Holy crap, Smith. That was awesome!
07:00
[ All Chattering ]
07:02
[joey] You're one of us now.
07:06
What was that for? - For being such a good sport.
07:09
I don't wanna toot my own horn, but I think this party's a big hit.
07:13
Toot! - Well, that's enough sangria.
07:16
You know, Francine, I guess our neighbors are okay.
07:18
They're like a bowl of international Chex mix—
07:20
if you eat 'em by the handful, they all taste American.
07:23
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
07:25
deep down we're all— Under attack!
07:28
What? Under attack? Who's attacking us?
07:31
The terrorists.
07:33
Everyone in your homes, now! -[ Clamoring ]
07:39
You ruined everything!
07:42
Everything? [ Imitates Siren ]
07:45
Oh, that's the hyperbole police coming to take you away...
07:47
and lock you up in "exaggeration-traz."
07:50
I think I made my point.
07:52
Eloquent.
07:59
I was finally making friends, Stan.
08:01
How could you ruin my party? - It was easy.
08:03
I just yelled "terrorists" and everyone ran away.
08:06
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked how did I ruin your party...
08:09
and I'm, like, "You were there, baby. You had a front-row seat."
08:11
Dad, what you did was racial profiling.
08:13
The Memaris had nothing to do with that gazebo and everyone knows it.
08:16
These people are trying to destroy us and you want proof?
08:20
Yes. - Oh. Well, that's fair. I'll go get some.
08:30
Hello, phone bill. - [ Growling ]
08:33
-[ Hissing ] - [Whimpering ]
08:38
Dr. Cohen? - Uh, sure, why not?
08:41
Just get comfortable, Mrs. Memari, and we'll take a look.
08:44
Mmm. Very nice.
08:46
I wish Francine kept hers this clean.
08:48
Aha! What have we here?
08:51
Tic Tacs? - Doctor!
08:53
Why are you going through my purse?
08:59
[ Buzzing ]
09:03
Move. Come on, move!
09:05
I can't see their terrorist-related activities.
09:07
Damn it!
09:15
Glass Breaks ]
09:17
[ Machinery Ratcheting, Door Slams ]
09:20
Hey, all I was trying to do...
09:22
was keep my country and my family safe. - I hear you.
09:24
All I was trying to do was keep my little sister safe...
09:27
by killing her boyfriend and eating his brain.
09:29
Let's be friends.
09:34
I must have some special power. Think, Roger, think!
09:38
Perhaps you have the ability to walk through walls.
09:40
I don't know. - You won't know if you don't try.
09:45
Aah! [ Laughing ]
09:47
It's times like this I wish I had a wife...
09:49
so I could turn to her and say...
09:51
"Stop eating bread, you fat pig.
09:53
Look at your thighs. You disgust me."
09:57
Burning down the gazebo?
09:59
Smith, you have taken us to the next level.
10:01
Uh, about that? I don't know if I'm Ranger material.
10:04
I'm thinking about hanging up my kerchief.
10:07
Hey, no problem. - Really? I can just quit?
10:10
Sure, it's easy. Just ask the last guy who wanted out.
10:13
[ Laughing ]
10:17
We're gonna take your skin, man. -[ Gulps ]
10:22
Please stop. I can't take it anymore.
10:25
Dad! - Thank God, Hayley. Get me out of here.
10:28
This psycho is putting on a production of South Pacific,
10:30
and he's stepping on all my lines.
10:32
Guess you didn't find any proof the Memaris are terrorists.
10:35
Listen, Miss Freedom Hater, the Memaris are going to strike again...
10:38
and I have to get them off the street before they do.
10:40
The good news is, in the time I've been locked up...
10:42
I realized just how to do that. -[ Groans ]
10:45
Guard! Oh, wait a second. It's front-hook.
10:48
I see it. I see It.
10:50
[ Doorbell Rings ] - Bob, Linda.
10:53
There they are. Oh, Francine, I forgot to tell you.
10:55
I invited Bob and Linda for brunch so I could apologize—
10:58
poolside. - Oh, Stan, thank you.
11:01
I've acted horribly to you guys.
11:03
I'm sorry— Sorry you're terrorists! - [ Both Gasp ]
11:07
[ Crackling ] -[ Whirring ]
11:11
Stan, you turned our yard into a prison camp?
11:13
Detention center, Francine.
11:15
By keeping them here, they can't strike again.
11:17
You can't do this. - Uh-huh. The United States Patriot Act says I can.
11:22
Stan, let them out. This isn't funny.
11:24
Oh, oh! Linda's making a run for the gate.
11:26
[ Electrical Crackling ]
11:28
Come on, Francine. You can't tell me that's not funny.
11:33
[ Buzzing ]
11:34
You ready to start talking? I want your full confession on tape.
11:37
We didn't do anything. -I'm sorry. Terrorist says what?
11:40
What? - I thought so.
11:42
How could you do this to me, Stan?
11:45
It's not always about you, Francine. - Dad, what you're doing...
11:47
violates every tenet of a rational and just society. - High five!
11:52
Steve, I do have powers after all.
11:54
I can shoot heat rays out of my fingertips.
12:00
Hey, is that my dad's sweatshirt?
12:02
Yeah. I'm having a fat day. What are you doing?
12:05
I'm running away. It's the only way I can escape those psycho Rangers.
12:09
Oh! Oh, take me with you.
12:11
Maybe my special power is keeping you from getting molested at the bus station.
12:14
Maybe.
12:16
Until you give me the exact details of your next attack...
12:18
I'm depriving you of sleep.
12:20
It's 2:00 in the afternoon. - No sleep!
12:23
That's right. Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it?
12:26
Sure would be nice to feel the gentle embrace...
12:28
of the sandman's spell as he warbles his sweet, lilting lullaby.
12:33
[ Snoring ]
12:37
-[ Chattering ] - Hayley! The neighborhood! What are you two doing here?
12:40
We demand you release the Memaris.
12:42
They're human beings and they have rights, like everyone else.
12:44
Why can't you say that to your father?
12:46
I will, this Thanksgiving— but only if he's drunk and the Cowboys win.
12:50
Come on, everyone! Let's go get the Memaris!
12:52
[Cheering ] - Hey, hey! Stop!
12:54
Hey, you can't go in there. That's my house. Ooh, got boob.
12:57
[ Stammers ] Hey, come on. No trespassing.
12:59
Damn it, Roger. Stopping for that burrito cost us 20 minutes.
13:03
Can't run away on an empty stomach.
13:05
Mmm! Taco King. I think I'm having a "delish-igasm."
13:09
Hey, there's Smith. Get him!
13:11
Aah! - We're dead.
13:13
[ Gasps ] I think I just figured out what my special power is.
13:16
Really? - Yes. Yes, I'm sure of it.
13:18
Steve, do you believe in magic? - I do, I do.
13:23
Then close your eyes and hold on.
13:25
We're gonna fly.
13:37
[ Groans ] Sorry.
13:40
You don't know if you don't try.
13:42
[ Groans ] I'm gonna-- I'm gonna lie down.
13:46
Hey, hey! Back off. Back off.
13:48
Set em free! - Don't you all get it?
13:50
Since they've been locked up, there hasn't been one single attack.
13:55
Oh, no! The power went out.
13:57
Oh, my God! They've struck again.
13:59
The Memaris? They've been here the whole time.
14:01
That can only mean they're part of a larger terrorist cell.
14:07
What are you doing? - The Memaris have clearly recruited others.
14:10
They're like vampires— or the gays.
14:12
Could you get any more insane?
14:14
Quick, plug your butt with this clove of garlic.
14:17
You can't imprison the entire neighborhood. [ Groans ]
14:20
Until I figure out who's behind this, no one's going anywhere.
14:23
[ Weapon Cocks ] - Let 'em go, Stan.
14:26
It's been a fun ride, but it's over.
14:28
Come on, Francine. Not this old routine.
14:30
You know, you pull a gun. I pretend I'm gonna do what you want.
14:34
Then I pull out my gun.
14:36
We do our little John Woo standoff.
14:38
Inevitably, your arm gets tired.
14:40
Then you drop your gun, and we have nobody-got-shot sex.
14:42
-[ Groans ] - Hey. Hey!
14:45
Where— Where you going? Francine!
14:47
Well, why'd you pull a gun on me if you didn't want to have sex?
14:52
All right. You found me. Just tell me what I have to do.
14:56
Are you kidding? Smith, you take things too far.
14:58
I mean, the whole electrical grid?
15:00
My PlayStation runs on electricity.
15:03
And my Sonicare. - And Todd's Sonicare.
15:06
You're out, Smith.
15:09
[ Mouthing Words ]
15:11
[ Groans ] No. No, no, Steve. Don't come near this bush.
15:14
Pal, that burrito did a number on my alien stomach.
15:17
Let's just go home. - [Sighs ] Too bad.
15:20
I guess I'll never find my special power.
15:36
I'll check the transformer, Mikey.
15:38
You're buying the beers after this, right? - Can't do it, pal.
15:40
I gotta work on my toast for your wedding.
15:45
Jim, look— behind this bush.
15:47
There's a turd made of solid gold.
15:54
And it's studded with diamonds and gems.
15:59
We're rich, Jim, rich.
16:01
All of our dreams are gonna come true. [ Groans ]
16:04
[ Groans ]
16:06
[ Grunting ]
16:13
[ Footsteps ]
16:23
[Siren Blares ]
16:26
[ Radio Chatter, indistinct ]
16:35
Oh, hey, Harlan.
16:37
Geez, we got a mess here today, huh, Jim?
16:39
Yeah, yeah. It's pretty bad. I think it's the transformer.
16:42
Hey, where's Mike? - Oh. He didn't show up for work today.
16:46
That ain't like him. - Yeah, well, you know Mike.
16:49
Look, Harlan, I gotta get going.
16:52
Yeah, okay. Say hey to Abby. - Yeah, yeah, sure thing.
16:57
Hey, hey. Hold on a second
16:59
is there a problem? - I'll say there's a problem.
17:05
You forgot your wrench.
17:07
[ Chuckles ] Mondays, right? Thanks.
17:27
[ Line Ringing ]
17:29
[Jim's Voice ] Jim and Abby can't answer the phone right now.
17:31
[ Woman ] Please leave a message.
17:32
Abby, pick up. Something incredible's happened.
17:35
It'll change our lives. We can fin— -[ Man] Hello?
17:37
Who- Who is this? Where's Abby?
17:39
[ Woman ] You idiot. I told you not to answer.
17:41
-[ Man] Sorry. I forgot. - What?
17:44
Who is this? -[ Click, Dial Tone ]
17:47
[ Moaning ]
17:49
[ Sobbing ]
17:53
[ Wailing ]
18:00
Why? Why? Why?
18:12
Now which one of you is the terrorist mastermind?
18:15
[Man] Youre crazy.
18:17
[ Crowd Murmurs ] - Oh, yeah? Well, you're wet...
18:20
but at least in five minutes I'll still be crazy.
18:23
-[ Gulps ] - Mom, easy on the tequila.
18:26
How many shooters are you gonna do?
18:28
All I wanted was to reconnect with the neighbors...
18:31
and then your paranoid father locked 'em up in the backyard.
18:34
It's like the world's worst pool party out there.
18:37
Or the world's best theme party.
18:42
A terrorist detainment camp theme party?
18:44
You don't think we'd really lock up our neighbors, do you?
18:48
Chicken satay, you filthy evildoers?
18:51
[ All Laughing ]
18:53
We've got strawberry margaritas.
18:55
Who wants to get bombed?
18:58
This is brilliant— or should I say "shock and awesome"?
19:02
Shock and—[ Giggles ] Sorry, girls, he's taken.
19:06
Francine, what the hell are you doing?
19:08
No fraternizing with the enemy.
19:10
Can this guy sell "sadistic nut job" or what? - All right, that does it.
19:12
[ Shrieks, Laughs ]
19:18
Mr. Smith, I was down at the transformer that caused the blackout...
19:22
and found this. - A Clue! And there's a name tag.
19:25
Now all we have to do is find this Stan Smith and—
19:28
Wait a minute. That's impossible.
19:31
Unless— Unless somehow they brainwashed me to do their bidding.
19:35
Good God! I'm the terrorist.
19:38
Have you completely lost your mind?
19:41
It's the only logical explanation.
19:43
Hayley, grab the jumper cables.
19:45
I have a prisoner to interrogate.
19:48
A patriot and a terrorist are going in there...
19:51
and only one of us is coming out.
19:54
So authentic. I love a man that can commit. - Not this again.
19:58
I told you. As soon as my father dies, I will wear the ring.
20:02
[ Crashing, Screaming ] Stop! I'm not a terrorist. I can't even grow a beard.
20:06
[ Electrical Buzzing ] - [ Screams ] Please, I have a family.
20:09
Groans, Screams ]
20:11
To new friends. - You guys, I have a confession to make.
20:15
This wasn't a theme party.
20:17
I was just covering for Stan.
20:19
Sweetheart, we know. We've encountered people like him before.
20:23
You have? - Oh, sure.
20:25
But I gotta say, even though Stan's a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante...
20:29
he's still 100 times better than our last neighbors.
20:31
[ Laughs ] They were black.
20:34
Stan, there's a party going on. Can't you take a break?
20:38
Not until I crack. - Stan, hold it.
20:40
I Know i've been giving you a hard time for scaring away all my friends...
20:45
but I've gotta say, this is the greatest party I've ever thrown...
20:49
and I have you to thank for it.
20:52
Aw, Francine, I Know it's not easy being married to a C.i.a. man.
20:55
It's got its advantages, but let's make a deal.
20:59
From now on, you protect the world from terrorists...
21:02
and I'll protect the neighborhood from you.
21:05
Here's our hosts. Smile, you two.
21:08
No, no. I look terrible.
21:10
That's my guy.
21:46
Bye. Have a great time.
