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Oh, Cagney and Lacey—
S01E07 Deacon Stan, Jesus Man
05:20 – 05:22
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That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.
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you were so much more than thick ankles and careful police work.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Stan, quit spying on the neighbors.
00:36
Today's the day, Francine.
00:38
Today I will finally beat that smug bastard Chuck White to church.
00:42
Look at him.
00:44
Zipping up his fly like he owns the place.
00:47
Well today I get the shady parking spot.
00:49
All right, Chuck still needs a tie.
00:51
He's a double Windsor man, so we have a good two minutes to—
00:53
[ Gasps ] Good God! A clip-on! Go! Go! Go!
00:57
Wait! My bra. - No time.
00:59
Just keep your arms crossed and Jesus won't see em.
01:01
-[ Tires Screeching ] - Stan, you just killed a pigeon.
01:04
No, I didn't. - [ Coos, Squawks ]
01:07
-[ Tires Screeching ] - Stan, slow down.
01:10
Is beating Chuck White so important...
01:12
that you'd put your family's lives at risk?
01:14
Absolutely. - [ Horn Honks ]
01:16
You just ran through a crosswalk! - No, I didn't.
01:18
[ Groaning ] - Hello, Mr. Perkins.
01:23
Spray him. Spray him a little.
01:25
That'll loosen him up.
01:27
Thank you. - [Thump ]
01:29
[ Tires Screeching ]
01:33
Damn it! Every freakin' time!
01:36
Looks like you're parking in the sun again. [ Laughs ]
01:39
[All Laughing ] - [Alarm Chirps ]
01:42
Francine, remember the agreement we made...
01:44
that we could each do one person and it wouldn't count?
01:47
Yes. You picked Susan Sarandon. - I've changed my mind.
01:50
I want my one free kill to be Chuck White.
01:53
Yours can still be George Clooney.
01:55
Clooney, you smug bastard.
01:57
Stop playing basketball and get married like the rest of us.
02:00
And so, in closing, remember Galatians 5:14.
02:05
"Love thy neighbor as thyself"
02:08
You know, people often ask me what that means.
02:11
Seriously. Can you believe it? Morons!
02:14
Anyway, the most important lesson...
02:16
God wants you to learn is— - [ Horn Honks ]
02:18
-[ Tires Screech ] - Whoop! Gotta go.
02:21
God is, uh, good. Devil's bad.
02:23
Deacon, you wanna Slap a bow on this puppy?
02:26
Some parishioner announcements.
02:28
Stan Smith's daughter Hayley has made the dean's list...
02:31
at Groff Community College. - [Applause ]
02:33
That's nice. Congrats, Hayley. What could outshine that?
02:36
How about Chuck White's daughter Betsy qualifying...
02:38
for the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team?
02:41
[ Disco Beat ]
02:44
[ Cheers, Applause ]
02:47
How about that. - Jesus, Joseph and Mary Lou Retton.
02:55
Okay, I'll be taking the first communion this morning.
02:58
For maximum salvation, make sure you chew the host completely.
03:01
[ Gagging, Choking ]
03:06
[ Woman] That's odd.
03:09
I can't believe the deacon choked to death.
03:12
Well, Terry always nagged him not to talk with his mouth full of savior.
03:14
I'm sorry. I nagged him?
03:16
You nagged him repeatedly. - Oh, that's nice. That's real nice.
03:18
[ Arguing ]
03:20
Well, then I guess we need a new deacon.
03:23
Hmph! Deacon— long hours, no pay, whiny churchgoers.
03:26
You'd have to be an idiot to volunteer for that position.
03:28
I volunteer to be deacon. - Me too!
03:31
Great. Now we have to have an election next Sunday?
03:35
I guess I won't be fishing then either.
03:37
[ Horn Honks ] - Oh, shut the hell up, Marty!
03:39
I need this trip more than you do.
03:44
Gary— [ Coughs ]
03:44
Gary— [ Coughs ]
03:46
When I'm gone, I want you to ride my bicycle.
03:49
[Woman ] You're watching Delta Burke in a Lifetime original movie...
03:52
A Cyst for Amelia.
03:55
Why so sensitive all of a sudden?
03:57
I happen to be going through my reproductive cycle.
04:00
It's complicated. Here, I'll draw you a diagram.
04:02
Every six years, my "glaxons" shoot up into my "fompairs,"
04:06
causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus.
04:11
Ugh! Your insides sicken me.
04:13
I'll be in mein crapper.
04:15
[ Sighs ] I'm always in mein crapper.
04:19
Hello, goslings. How was church?
04:21
Waste of time. - Love has a face.
04:23
Stan, what's the big deal?
04:25
The big deal is that Chuck White offered...
04:27
to host the potluck wake while I was in the bathroom.
04:29
Damn my tiny girlish bladder.
04:31
If we don't bring the perfect dish...
04:33
I might as well withdraw from the deacon race now.
04:35
Oh, you don't care about being deacon.
04:37
You just want to beat Chuck White.
04:39
Why do you hate him so much? - Look at his life, Francine.
04:41
He's got a bigger paycheck, a nicer house, a better wife, better kids—
04:45
Stan, that's incredibly hurtful. - I know.
04:47
That's why I really want to shove it in his face this time.
04:49
Okay, if it means that much to you...
04:52
I guess we can bring chips and dip to the wake.
04:54
Chips and dip? I'll tell you what, Francine.
04:57
Why don't you just take this broom here?
04:59
I'll bend over and grab my ankles.
05:01
You lube up the handle real good...
05:03
and just sweep me out the door.
05:05
'Cause that's what'll happen to my chances at deacon...
05:07
if the best we can do is chips and dip.
05:09
Oh, I can make potato salad. - Potato salad?
05:12
Not exactly adventurous, but it gets the job done.
05:15
That reminds me. We should have sex tonight.
05:20
Oh, Cagney and Lacey—
05:22
you were so much more than thick ankles and careful police work.
05:26
How's the potato salad? - Mm. Delicious.
05:29
[ Snickering ] You know what's even more delicious?
05:32
You have just eaten all of Francine's potato salad for the deacon's wake.
05:36
[ Laughing ]
05:39
[ Gasps ] You set me up, Klaus.
05:41
Why would you do something so awful?
05:43
I'm German. It's what we do.
05:47
"Add chopped celery, four eggs."
05:50
Just need to add mayonnaise and— - [ Clanking ]
05:52
Oh, God, we're out of mayo!
05:54
But if I don't make more potato salad, Stan's gonna rip my head off.
05:58
When he does, keep blinking your eyes as long as you can.
06:01
I have a theory to test.
06:05
Smiths— glad you made it. [ Laughs ]
06:07
Potato salad? Oh, that is just adorable.
06:12
Chuck, Christie. Nice house.
06:14
Smith, you live in a house. This is a manor.
06:17
So you better mind yours. -[ Laughing ]
06:24
Um, hi, Betsy. Steve Smith.
06:27
We were in the first grade together...
06:29
before you left for gymnastics camp.
06:31
Steve, of course. Great to see you again.
06:33
So, you still into the whole juice-and-crackers thing?
06:36
No. I'm on an ultra-strict diet.
06:38
I can only eat what Coach Bela Karolyi approves.
06:40
[ Whistle Blows ] - Lemon wedge. Lemon wedge!
06:43
Fatty wants a lemon wedge?
06:45
Here's your precious lemon wedge. Phooey!
06:49
-[ Chattering ] - You boys having fun?
06:52
Good. You know, I'd do anything to get elected deacon. [ Laughs ]
06:56
Well, I'm sure the best man will— - Anything.
06:59
Ha, ha. - [Man ] Oh, my God!
07:02
Have you tasted this potato salad? It is amazing.
07:05
-It is? - It blows Christie's nachos out of the agua.
07:11
Whoever made this, her husband should be deacon.
07:13
That's me. Stan Smith for deacon.
07:16
Deacon Stan, Jesus man.
07:20
Stan, that was not my potato salad.
07:23
There was an ingredient in there I can't put my finger on.
07:26
Oh, God, the guilt. I can't take the guilt anymore.
07:29
Look, you know how I'm going through my reproductive time?
07:32
Here. I have a diagram. - Yes, yes, we've all seen the diagram.
07:35
Anyway, last night I ate all your potato salad...
07:38
and I tried to make more, but there was no mayo...
07:40
so instead I used—
07:42
Well, pull my finger.
07:45
Mystery solved.
07:47
-[ Retching ] -[ Retching ]
07:49
I don't get it. So what's the secret ingredient?
07:54
We served alien breast milk to our church.
07:57
If anyone finds out, Chuck's gonna slaughter me in the race for deacon.
08:01
That's why I've called in a specialist to help me with my campaign.
08:04
Did it suddenly get cold in here?
08:06
Did it suddenly get cold in here?
08:08
Francine, meet Karl Rove. - [ Wolf Howls ]
08:11
Let's get started.
08:13
[Ice Cracking ] - Wait. I know you.
08:17
You're the amoral puppet master...
08:19
behind George W. Bush. - Thank you.
08:22
Now, if you're going to beat Chuck White...
08:24
we have to take inventory of your assets. The boy.
08:28
Oh, you can count on Steve. He's a loyal soldier, Karl Rove.
08:31
[Wolf Howls ]
08:33
I could do even more. Betsy White said she's learning C.P.R.
08:37
That could put her dad ahead with undecided voters who are choking.
08:40
Put him in the girl's class. - Yes! Thank you, Satan.
08:44
Next, the black sheep.
08:47
That was just a fraternity prank. I was blindfolded.
08:49
The peer pressure was enormous.
08:51
I mean your daughter. She could sink this whole election.
08:55
I mean, look at her. She's clearly gay. - I'm not gay.
08:58
Whatever you say, butch.
09:00
Now, Francine, your potato salad is the key to Stan's victory. -It is?
09:06
The masses love it. As long as you can keep feeding it to them, we win.
09:11
But what if! I told you it contained a horrible ingredient?
09:14
An unholy ingredient?
09:16
Unholy, you say?
09:18
[ Garbled Voices, Growling ] - [All Screaming ]
09:22
Anything else?
09:25
Where— Where does your food go?
09:30
I don't care what this quiz says. I am a flirt.
09:33
Here. Empty your mammary glands into this pail until it's full.
09:37
No, I don't think so. i'm not in the mood.
09:40
How about now? - Oh, you're a beast. A beast!
09:43
[ Sobbing ]
09:45
Oh, for God's sake. Roger, I'm sorry if I was insensitive.
09:49
All right, I realize you're going through an emotional time right now.
09:54
There, there. It's going to be okay.
09:57
You look very pretty today.
10:00
Really? Because I'm trying a new rejuvenating mask.
10:02
Well, uh, whatever you're doing, it's working.
10:04
[ Chuckles ] May I?
10:09
[Squirting ]
10:15
Eat up, everybody. Yeah. Stuff your faces.
10:18
Uh, Stan, honey, we've run out of potato salad.
10:21
[All Gasp ] - [Stan ] Oh, my God, no!
10:24
Wait, wait. I've— I've got a stick of gum.
10:27
Who likes Big Red, huh? Who likes Big Red, huh?
10:30
What is wrong with you?
10:32
Look, we cannot run out of potato salad again, or we will lose on Sunday.
10:37
[ Squeaking ]
10:39
Damn. My car's been towed.
10:46
Ow! Take it easy, Old McDonald. - There's barely any milk in these.
10:50
He secretes more after he eats.
10:52
Stuff his face and the milk will flow...
10:55
like the lies from my drunken mother's filthy mouth.
10:59
Oh, no, please don't. It's almost swimsuit season.
11:01
I just— [ Muffled ]
11:03
[ Gulps, Coughs ]
11:07
Why, Klaus, why?
11:09
Ja. Still German.
11:11
Thanks for walking me home from C.P.R. class, Steve.
11:14
Can I tell you something personal?
11:16
Of course. I told you about having to leave my underwear at Disneyland.
11:20
I'm only doing gymnastics because my parents make me. All I do is practice.
11:24
In fact, you're the only boy I ever spent any time with.
11:28
I like those odds.
11:31
Wow. Second base. - Betsy White, what did I tell you...
11:35
about hand holding?
11:37
It leads to kissing, which can get you pregnant.
11:39
I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob.
11:43
By the transitive property, I got some boob.
11:45
Algebra's awesome!
11:47
[ Mechanical Whirring ]
11:50
Oh, sorry, Roger. It's time to super-size you.
11:54
[ Groaning ]
11:57
Stan, look what we're doing to Roger.
12:00
We have to stop this.
12:02
We can't stop now. The election is tomorrow. Roger's fine.
12:04
[ Moaning ] Kill me.
12:08
Then what about me? I've been up for days making potato salad.
12:12
I can't think straight. My back is killing me.
12:15
Sweetheart, I know how hard you've been working.
12:17
That's why I got you some help from a Taiwanese sweatshop.
12:20
[ Gasps ] I will not use sweatshop workers.
12:23
No, no. They're sweatshop managers.
12:25
You know, to help you use your time better. - Break over!
12:27
Back in kitchen! - You fat, lazy and stupid!
12:30
[ Gagging ]
12:32
He's choking on his feed bag.
12:35
-[ Gagging ] - Stand back. I know C.P.R.
12:39
[ Gulping ]
12:41
[Coughing ] - [Gasping ]
12:44
Ugh! Hey, you didn't have to spit in my mouth.
12:47
Attaboy. Now, there are still a few voters...
12:49
who doubt I'd be a trustworthy leader...
12:52
so let's lock our alien back in that mechanical teat-sucker...
12:55
and make more brainwashing potato salad, huh?
12:57
You deaf? You hear boss. Go! Go!
13:03
In my darkest hour, I thought God had forsaken me...
13:06
but then a miracle—
13:08
the Panthers fumbled and the Dolphins ran it back to cover the point spread.
13:13
And that is how I bought my Camry.
13:15
Ah. Here we go.
13:17
Okay, the votes have been tallied.
13:19
Our next deacon is...
13:22
Stan Smith. - Yes! Yes! I am the chosen one.
13:26
You know what this is? A deacon fanny.
13:29
Yeah, look at it. Bet you wish you had one.
13:32
There's one person I would like to thank...
13:34
without whom this would not have been possible.
13:38
Karl Rove. - [ Wolf Howls ]
13:40
Karl? Karl, where are you? There he is. Come on up.
13:44
[ Groaning ] Yeah, I'm good right here.
13:47
My work is done. Farewell, Stan.
13:50
[ Bats Squeaking ]
13:54
It's official. I beat Chuck White.
13:58
Ooh, let's celebrate.
14:00
Hey, why don't we make Roger squirt us out a round of his delicious alien boob slime.
14:03
Nice try, you little sadist, but my reproductive cycle's over.
14:07
Guess I got it out of my system.
14:09
[ Retching, Moaning ]
14:17
[ Screams ]
14:22
Uh, Mom? [ Chuckles ] Dad?
14:24
[ Stammering ] I think-- I think I'm pregnant.
14:28
[Screaming ] - You can't be pregnant. You're a virgin.
14:31
And a boy.
14:33
Tell that to my swollen ankles and tender nipples.
14:36
Oh, uh, you know what?
14:38
I just remembered, I have a sweater soaking in the sink.
14:42
What did you do to my son? - How do you even know it's mine?
14:44
[ Chokes ] Okay, okay, he must have sucked out my egg...
14:46
when he gave me mouth-to-mouth.
14:48
So Steve is carrying an alien baby...
14:51
In some sort of faux uterus.
14:53
How great is it that I started Xanax yesterday?
14:57
You knocked up my boy?
14:59
I warned you I was going through my reproductive cycle.
15:01
Oh, and, uh, F.Y.I., honey— Steve came on to me.
15:04
How could you do this to me?
15:06
This is what happens when you tart around town, giving it up for free.
15:09
Why are you yelling at me? - Because I always figured you'd be in this situation...
15:12
so that's what I prepared for.
15:14
What am I gonna do? - Whatever you want.
15:16
You know, a pregnant boy still has the right to choose.
15:19
Not in this house, he doesn't.
15:21
We're conservatives, and the one way we don't like to kill things is that way.
15:27
Way to go, Deacon.
15:30
Aw, put your money away. Deacons drink for free.
15:35
You may have finally beaten me, Smith, [ Laughs ]
15:37
but one day you'll stumble and I'll have the last laugh. [ Laughs ]
15:41
That's not the one I mean. Ha, ha.
15:43
Hey, Mr. Fishburne.
15:45
Yo, what up, "G"? Two fingers.
15:47
Last time I was here he mistook me for Laurence Fishburne...
15:50
and I just never corrected him. - What a mess.
15:53
If anyone finds out my son is pregnant...
15:55
I'll lose my deaconship, and Chuck White wins again.
15:58
Stan, forget Chuck White.
16:00
Your son is confused and scared, and he needs you.
16:04
I said two fingers, bitch.
16:08
Now go be a father to your son, my strong black brother.
16:12
[ Horn Honking ]
16:14
[ Horn Honking ]
16:16
Stan, what— What's going on?
16:18
You were right, Francine.
16:20
I've let this ridiculous rivalry cloud my judgment.
16:23
This family comes first.
16:25
That's why I rented this camper to drive us all down to Mexico,
16:28
So Steve can have his baby. - Mexico?
16:30
That's right, Mexico-- or as I like to call it, God's blind spot.
16:34
Steve, are you sure you want to have this child?
16:37
Yeah, I-- I guess so.
16:39
Roger, what do you say? You ready, partner?
16:42
Oh, yeah, fatherhood— jazzed.
16:45
It's not like I wanted to do anything with my life...
16:47
like learn to surf or go to Jerusalem.
16:50
Are you— Are you drunk? - Get used to it!
16:59
Steve Smith? - I'm gonna go in with Steve for his prenatal exam alone.
17:04
It's kind of a father-son thing. - Oh, okay.
17:06
Hayley and I will go say hello to the donkey...
17:08
running around the cancer ward.
17:10
Steve, I spoke to your father...
17:12
and he informs me you have a growth...
17:14
you would like me to "take care of." - What?
17:17
You know, that, uh, "inside zit" we talked about.
17:20
So... you want me to get rid of it.
17:23
But I thought we were conservatives. - We are-- in America.
17:26
Down here we're just Juan and Pedro Gomez...
17:29
orange farmers from Oaxaca who've come in for a delicate procedure.
17:32
[ Sighs ] Okay, Dad.
17:34
I know if Mr. White found out you had a pregnant son he'd be all, "Ha, ha!"
17:38
And you'd be all, "Every freakin' time!"
17:42
So I won't have this baby.
17:44
Wait. You think that's what this is all about?
17:47
Beating Chuck White? Am I that awful?
17:51
Dad, we're in Mexico. I'm in stirrups. - And I've been drinking.
17:56
You know what? The hell with Chuck White.
17:58
And forget the deaconship.
18:00
Son, you're keeping your alien baby. - Thanks, Dad.
18:04
Did you say "alien baby"?
18:06
No, I said, "Doctor's corpse found in desert."
18:08
Oh, right, right.
18:16
Where have you been, Steve?
18:18
Hey, Betsy. I was gonna call you, but, uh...
18:20
I'm kind of going through some stuff right now— boy stuff.
18:27
I stuck the landing for you. That's how much I like you.
18:38
Wow. Sunday again, huh? Boy, that pissed by, didn't it?
18:41
Least tomorrow's T.G.I.M. [ Laughs ]
18:46
What? You got something better? - Father?
18:48
May I say a few words? - [Sighs ] Whatever.
18:51
Man, I remember when you used to be able to smoke in here.
18:54
I wanted to thank you all for electing me deacon.
18:57
Unfortunately, something unexpected has come up...
19:00
and I have to abdicate my position.
19:03
[ Murmuring ]
19:05
But why? - It's a bizarre situation—
19:09
not 8 Simple Rules, let's-keep-it-going- after-the-father-died bizarre...
19:11
but close.
19:16
[ Gasps ] Roger!
19:18
Hey, hands off. Just cause I'm your baby daddy doesn't mean—
19:22
I'm not pregnant anymore. - Oh.
19:24
Well, you must have passed it on to someone else.
19:26
How many mouths you been mouth-to-mouthing? - [ Gasps ]
19:29
Yeah, run. Yeah, run to the arms of your whore.
19:31
It's what you're good at.
19:33
So again, thanks for understanding.
19:36
But you still haven't told us why.
19:38
[ Sighs ] Fine. Uh, let's see.
19:40
I, uh, I've been...
19:42
possessed by the devil. [ Babbling ]
19:48
That doesn't sound very possessed.
19:50
-I didn't want to believe the devil's inside of him. -[ Groans ]
19:56
We'll call you at Aunt Janet's farm in iowa once you get settled.
20:00
So does this mean I don't have to do gymnastics anymore?
20:03
Of course that's what it means!
20:05
You should have thought of that before doing the splits all over town. Ha, ha!
20:10
Steve! - Betsy!
20:12
Oh, this is all my fault. - No, it's not.
20:15
I knew kissing got you pregnant, and I did it anyway.
20:17
Besides, I couldn't be happier. - What?
20:20
Gymnastics was a prison I'm finally free from.
20:23
Now that I'm an unwed teenaged mother, the world is my oyster.
20:26
Good-bye, Steve. I'll never forget you. - [ Car Starts ]
20:35
-[ Ranting ] - [Congregation Clamoring ]
20:46
[All Groan]
20:56
So what if Chuck White is deacon now?
20:59
So what if he has a bigger paycheck and a better car...
21:01
and a nicer house?
21:03
None of that matters, because I've got—
21:07
[ No Audio ]
21:46
Have a great night.
