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Satan? This is Dick Cheney's BlackBerry!
S02E01 Bullocks to Stan
03:21 – 03:24
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00:04
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:11
Hang in there, Fred. You're gonna beat this.
00:13
We're rooting for you, buddy. - Remember—
00:15
Terminal, fatal, inoperable— Just words.
00:20
Hole punch is mine. - I got the stapler.
00:22
Dibs on his medical marijuana.
00:24
Hey, Stan, don't you want some of Fred's stuff? It's not contagious.
00:27
Oh, I'm getting the biggest prize. - His wife?
00:30
His job. I've been working Bullock...
00:32
for that promotion since Fred's first nosebleed. - [ Elevator Dinging ]
00:35
Attention, everyone. Here are the invitations...
00:38
to the annual C.I.A. family carnival.
00:40
This is a top secret gathering. So you'll want to memorize...
00:42
the time and location immediately— - Done!
00:46
[ Swallows ] - because the invitations will self-destruct in three seconds.
00:51
[ Coughs ] Still better than my wife's cooking, eh?
00:54
[ Chortling ] I'm pooping blood tonight.
00:57
Uh, sir, is there any other announcement you want to make?
01:00
Perhaps something about me taking over for...
01:03
old "high white-cell count" Fred? - It's in the works, Smith.
01:06
In the meantime, I have an extremely urgent mission for you.
01:09
Whatever it takes, sir. [ Scoffs ] Real urgent mission.
01:15
♪ [Singing ]
01:18
That's, uh, "Bullock." Two "I's".
01:20
[Singing ]
01:27
God, it's so beautiful out here, I want to weep! - Yeah.
01:31
Look, Jeff, I have bad news.
01:33
This is a breakup hike. - What? But-But— We're so good together.
01:36
No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
01:40
You're right. I so do that. But I can change.
01:43
No, you can't. - You're right. Let's get married.
01:46
Good-bye, Jeff.
01:49
Good call, babe. You can do better.
01:53
It's just a C.I.A. carnival. Why are we folding napkins?
01:57
Because there'll be food and my boss likes to wipe his mouth on swans.
02:02
What the hell is this? - Metrosexual soccer icon David Beckham.
02:06
I can't do swans. I don't know why.
02:08
Hey, if the whole C.I.A. is at this carnival, who's out there undermining democracy?
02:12
The F.B.I. pulls a double shift. Now, listen.
02:15
When we get there, you had better keep your liberal pie-hole shut!
02:18
My promotion depends on it! - Honestly, Stan...
02:20
what does Hayley have to do with you getting a promotion?
02:23
It should be enough that you're really good at your job.
02:25
Yeah, it should. But we don't live in Shouldland.
02:28
Ah, Shouldland! Where clean-cut kids cruise Shouldland Boulevard.
02:32
And the Shouldland High football team gets their optimistic asses kicked...
02:35
by their crosstown rival, Reality Check Tech.
02:38
Bottom line, we're going to the carnival.
02:43
-[ Gunshot ] - [ Gobbling ]
02:46
-[ Cheers ] -[ Metal Detectors Chirping ]
02:54
[ Chuckling ] Oh, cool! A germ warfare booth! - No way, mister.
02:59
I don't want you coming home with anthrax, like last year.
03:02
Aw, Mom. - Quit coddling the boy.
03:04
Just sprinkle a little Cipro on his hot dog. He'll be fine.
03:10
Come on, sweetheart. Don't be afraid.
03:12
Aah, you're worthless! Clear! - [ Beeping ]
03:14
[ Gasps ] - What have we here?
03:18
Secret White House bunker? Secret Halliburton bunker?
03:21
Satan? This is Dick Cheney's BlackBerry!
03:24
Sure, everyone knows the C.I.A. invented crack...
03:27
and introduced it to the inner city.
03:29
But what we never get credit for is malt liquor!
03:32
-[ Chuckles ] Yes, that was us. - Wow!
03:35
[Man On PA. ] /Attention. The boring suit contest is about to begin.
03:38
Oh, no! Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking.
03:40
Hello, Deputy Director Bullock. You're looking well.
03:43
Uh, sir, you-you remember Hayley, my... son's sister.
03:48
Of course. I'm surprised they let you through security.
03:51
I guess those scanners can't detect half-baked political ideology, hmm?
03:55
-[ Chuckling ] - [ Guffawing ]
03:58
You're lucky. As a cockroach, you'll actually survive...
04:01
the nuclear war you're working so hard to incite.
04:04
[ Laughing Desperately ] I've already forgotten what she just said.
04:07
That's right, little girl. Run along.
04:10
Go play Ultimate Frisbee with your drum circle and leave politics to the adults.
04:14
You know, I actually don't play Frisbee. [ Scoffs ]
04:17
I guess the C.I.A. got their intel wrong. Again.
04:20
[ Laughing ]
04:24
Come back here, young lady. I want you to call my boss and apologize!
04:27
Like hell I will! That fascist started it!
04:30
I love the passion in her performance.
04:33
Unbelievable! i'm this close to a promotion...
04:36
and our darling little Squeaky Fromme decides to assassinate my career.
04:39
You know, I wasn't sure about the Squeaky Fromme reference, but it's a smart joke...
04:43
and the fans have come to expect that from us.
04:45
Well, Stan, according to Hayley, Bullock was being a real jerk.
04:49
Why didn't you stand up for her? - What, are you kidding me?
04:52
He's my boss. Know how much butt-kissing it's gonna take me to undo her damage?
04:56
This scene really sets up the key conflict between—
04:58
Klaus, what the hell are you doing?
05:00
I'm pretending my life is a DVD and I'm doing the director's commentary.
05:03
It's something to do while I'm waiting to die of fin rot.
05:07
[ Phonograph: Woman Singing In French ]
05:12
Roger! - [I Exhales ]
05:15
I dreamt of Paris again last night.
05:18
Look what I found. -[ Lifts Needle, Shuts Off Phonograph ]
05:21
Dick Cheney's BlackBerry. - Oh, my God! I smell shenanigans!
05:25
Gimme, gimme, gimme! -[ Line Ringing ]
05:29
[ Groans ] It's 4:00 in the bloody morning. Hello?
05:32
Uh, British Prime Minister Tony Blair? - Speaking.
05:35
Guess what? - What?
05:37
Chicken butt! [ Guffaws ]
05:40
-[ Grunts, Groans ] - Oh, sorry, Steve. I thought we were going down low.
05:44
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
05:47
Smith! - Morning, sir. I took the liberty...
05:50
of running a few errands for you. - Oh, well—
05:53
I shined your super-large shoes, you Stallion.
05:56
And I picked up your prescription of Viagra.
05:59
That's one lucky lady. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
06:02
Here, let me bring these in for you. - That's really not necessary.
06:08
Hayley? Oh, you must have come over to apologize.
06:12
I mean, why else would you—
06:17
[ Screaming ]
06:22
You slept with my daughter? - Well, to be perfectly honest...
06:25
neither of us did very much "sleeping."
06:29
Oh, God! You shot him! He's dead!
06:32
Somebody help! [ Mumbling ]
06:43
Don't shoot! I didn't see anything! I'm blind!
06:47
Oh, okay.
06:49
Smith? - Yeah?
06:50
Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay. You slept with my daught--
06:53
Wait a minute. That guy wasn't blind. He saw my gun. Damn it!
06:57
You slept with my daughter! - Dad, please.
07:00
You two should talk. Why don't I go find your pants?
07:02
What the hell do you think you're— - Look. Avery called...
07:05
to apologize for what he said at the carnival.
07:07
We met for coffee, and, well...
07:10
I know it's crazy, but I like him.
07:12
He challenges me. And besides, he has a huge—
07:14
Penis! I mean Hayley! Damn it! I was trying to cut you off before you said—
07:17
I was gonna say, "heart," but, well, you shined his shoes.
07:21
Here we are. I hope this isn't a problem, old chum.
07:24
If you think I'm just gonna stand by and let you— - Promotion.
07:28
What? - Your promotion. I think it's time we start...
07:30
talking seriously about it. - Oh. Really? That's great.
07:35
[Whispering ] - Oh. Of course.
07:44
Oh, man! Cheney's BlackBerry.
07:46
Here. Here. Call India. - [ Beeping ]
07:49
It's ringing. It's got one of those funny rings that goes "doot-doot."
07:52
Savages. - Hello. India?
07:55
Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over?
07:58
Yeah, well, listen to this. Yeah! Yeah, that's me, wiping my butt with it.
08:03
Oh. Oh, oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at 3:00.
08:08
Oh, and F.Y.I.? I'm punching a cow right now.
08:11
[ Chuckling ] That'll drive them crazy.
08:16
Hayley just told me she's dating Bullock!
08:18
Did you know about this? - I sure did.
08:21
I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study.
08:23
Stan's sandwich is actually made of cardboard and glycerin.
08:26
It was made by Rick Baker and cost $70,000.
08:30
Stan, he's 40 years older than her— and he's your boss!
08:33
Don't you think that's inappropriate?
08:36
I'll tell you what's inappropriate. I once dated a woman...
08:38
who was 10 months younger than me, and not my boss.
08:41
And today, that woman is my wife. I love you, honey.
08:45
I'm gonna take my sandwich in the study. - I Know what this is about.
08:48
I may be blonde, with great cans...
08:50
but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.
08:53
You don't want to confront your boss till you've gotten your promotion!
08:57
Oh, Old Big-Boobed Blondie's got it all figured out, huh?
09:00
Look, if I tell Bullock not to date Hayley, I can kiss that promotion good-bye.
09:04
I don't care! Either you talk to Bullock or I will.
09:08
Hayley! Hayley!
09:12
What do you want, Jeff? - I've been drinking all night...
09:15
So I could get up the courage to tell you you're my woman.
09:18
And I demand you come back! - No.
09:21
Okay. Bye. - See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
09:25
You need to stand up for yourself. I want a man who's strong and decisive and—
09:29
And can bust out a blistering flute solo?
09:31
Three, four— - [ Flute ]
09:33
Three, four— - [ Flute ]
09:37
Oh, Hayley, that was the first time you lectured me about boundaries.
09:41
[ Door Slides Open ] -[ Screams ]
09:44
Mr. S! Y-You smell of Hayley.
09:47
The only reason you're not dead is because I need you!
09:49
Look, I'm gonna turn you into a real man.
09:52
The kind of man who can win back my daughter.
09:54
[ Chuckles ] All right!
09:56
-[Whimpers ] - Well, I thought giving you a blanket party...
09:59
would have done the trick, but I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
10:02
I have blood in my ears. - All right, Jeff. This is an apple.
10:06
Um, okay? [Screams ] - Once again.
10:09
This is an apple. - Okay— [Screams ]
10:11
Damn it, man! You know what this is. Be more assertive!
10:14
Now, this is an apple. - No, it's not— [Screams ]
10:17
Oh, I-I'm sorry. Did you say no? Right, right.
10:19
This is— This is not an apple. Good.
10:21
I can't breathe! - Plenty of air out here, Jeff.
10:24
I'm filling my lungs with it now. - Mr. Smith, please!
10:27
Real men stay calm under pressure, Jeff.
10:30
By the way, you only have five more minutes to learn that lesson.
10:32
Two, if you panic.
10:34
[Claws Clattering ] - All right, Jeff Are you familiar with a TV show...
10:37
called Fear Factor? - Yeah.
10:40
Well, today you're going on a long car trip with Joe Rogan.
10:43
Ever do it with a stripper? They're some psycho bitches.
10:46
Get in, Jeff. - No way!
10:48
I am not spending an entire afternoon with this polarizing figure.
10:51
I'm going home! - Jeff, wait!
10:54
Do you realize what you just did?
10:56
You stood up to me! Now you're the kind of man Hayley wants.
10:59
Congratulations. - What are you guys, homos?
11:02
No. - Oh.
11:06
Good morning, Francine. Our little problem is taken care of.
11:10
Bullock and Hayley are on a fast train to splitsville.
11:13
Thank you for taking care of it.
11:16
I-I love little girls. They make me feel so good.
11:19
I love-- little girls.
11:22
They make me feel so bad.
11:24
When they're around, they make me feel like I'm the only guy in town.
11:28
I love— Little girls—
11:31
Oh. Good morning. - [Screaming ]
11:34
Excuse US. Stan, what is he doing here?
11:37
And he's wearing Hayley's robe. God, I can see his junk!
11:41
I don't get it! Damn it, why hasn't Jeff made his move?
11:43
Forget Jeff. You were supposed to talk to Bullock.
11:46
Say, do you perchance have any Gatorade?
11:48
I'm afraid I left all my electrolytes with your daughter.
11:52
Francine, get out.
11:55
Hey, do you know what I was thinking about last night...
11:58
while I was gazing at the back of your daughter's head?
12:01
Your promotion.
12:05
I've decided to make it official.
12:07
I'm going to announce it before the Senate committee today.
12:09
And I want you to be there.
12:11
Oh, my God! Really? - Congratulations, Smith.
12:17
-[ Grunting Rhythmically ] - I got the promotion, Francine!
12:20
Yes. But you lost my respect. You're not the man! I married.
12:24
And you're not the man I married! - That doesn't make any sense.
12:27
It doesn't have to! I got a promotion!
12:29
There they are! Do it! Do it! - [ Beeping ]
12:33
[ Cell Phone Ringing ] - Hello, Israel? This is your neighbor, Syria.
12:38
D-Don't look! Don't look! We'll get in trouble.
12:41
Look, I know we've gotten off on the wrong foot.
12:43
But I thought we could spend the day together at Six Flags Istanbul.
12:47
Yes, I'm serious. Don't you know I like you?
12:50
Yes, like-like. Yeah. Great.
12:54
I'll see you then. Dumbass! [ Laughing ] -[ Laughing ]
13:00
[ Announcer ] We now go live to the Senate floor.
13:02
Mr. Chairman, it is with great pride that...
13:05
I announce the new Deputy-Deputy Director of the CIA.
13:09
[ Cell Phone Ringtone ] - [ Gasps ]
13:12
That's Hay-Hay's ring! - [ Beeps ]
13:14
Hey, Hay-Hay.
13:15
Are you watching me on the telly? I'll wave to you.
13:19
What? You can't mean that! Who's Jeff Fischer?
13:23
But we're so good together!
13:26
Hayley! Hayley, no! Don't do this to me!
13:31
I'll die without you! - [ Beeps ]
13:33
[ Sobbing ]
13:36
The senators are waiting, sir. Just say my name.
13:39
[ Sobbing ]
13:43
With all due respect, sir, suck it up.
13:45
You'll get your promotion, Smith, just as soon as you do one last thing for me.
13:50
Oh, come on! I've picked up your laundry, I've polished your shoes.
13:53
I've done everything but bend over backwards for you—
13:55
and my daughter did that— so I say we count it.
13:57
What else could you possibly want me to do?
13:59
Kill Jeff Fischer.
14:07
Hey, Hayley, I'm getting a motorcycle.
14:10
So you better learn how to clean a motorcycle. End of conversation!
14:15
Wow! Jeffs really changed. -Isn't it great?
14:18
I don't know what's gotten into him, but he's suddenly...
14:20
so strong and primal, like a caveman.
14:23
I wonder if he'll hit me. But only because he really loves me.
14:26
And sometimes you do talk too much. - Yes. Yes, I do.
14:29
Oh, we'll just tell people you walked into a door.
14:31
That's perfect! Thanks, Mom.
14:37
Oh! - All right, Hayley. Listen and listen carefully.
14:39
If you care about Jeff, you'll dump him, get back together with my boss...
14:43
and everyone wins and everyone lives. - Lives?
14:45
Never mind! - Look, Dad, I know you never liked Jeff...
14:48
but he's back in my life, and you're just gonna have to deal with him.
14:51
Hayley! - Shh. I was never here.
14:55
[Woman Screams ] - [ Dog Barks ]
14:57
[ Clattering, Banging ] - [ Splashing ]
15:01
Bob, I'm all turned around. Can you tell me how to get back to the road?
15:04
Hello, Argentina? Is your refrigerator running?
15:08
No? Well, maybe you shouldn't have privatized your water and power department.
15:12
[ Both Laughing ] - [ Phone Ringing ]
15:17
Oh, crap! - What? What's wrong?
15:19
Argentina just star-69'ed us!
15:22
[ Gasps ] -[ Rings ]
15:26
[ Continues ]
15:29
[ Rings ]
15:34
So, Stan tells me you're his hunting buddy.
15:38
[Sucking Straw ] - Cool.
15:42
Want me to unload the truck? - No need. Just put this on.
15:48
[Rifle Cocking ] - [ Gasping ] Is an animal right behind me?
15:52
Jeff, we haven't been entirely forthright with you.
15:54
You see, we're actually out here to hunt the most cunning prey of all.
15:58
An otter? - Bigger.
15:59
A dolphin? No, that's stupid.
16:01
We're in the woods. A land dolphin?
16:04
It's you! We're gonna kill you! I'm sorry, but it was gonna take him forever.
16:08
You guys. Very funny. Ha-ha— - [ Gunshot ]
16:12
Oh, God! You're not kidding. Please, don't shoot!
16:14
[ Sobbing ]
16:17
Um, sir, should— should we maybe at least give him a head start?
16:20
Capital idea! We'll make a game of it.
16:23
You have thirty seconds. One, two—
16:31
-[ Ringing ] - What's wrong with you guys?
16:33
Don't answer it! - No, this is perfect.
16:35
If it's Argentina, tell them you're New Zealand.
16:38
Hello? - Hayley, your father's trying to kill me!
16:40
What are you talking about? - Your dad and some bald dude.
16:43
Avery. - You gotta come get me.
16:45
I stole their car to escape, but they're only a couple miles behind me.
16:48
Then, why'd you stop? - Uh, it's an s.u.v.
16:50
We've only got one planet. Babe, you gotta hurry!
16:53
They're gonna kill me! Hang On a sec.
16:55
If I get the country scramble, can I get the cinnamon toast with that? Or is it extra?
16:58
[ Stan ] There's the car! - Finally. Whoa, Nelly!
17:03
Thanks for the lift, Smith. I owe you a sugar cube.
17:07
More coffee? - Quick! Pretend you don't know me.
17:10
I don't know you. - Oh, I'm sorry. Jeff Fischer.
17:12
Jeff Fischer! Let's go. Time to die.
17:16
jeff Hayley!
17:19
Unhand her! - Leave him alone or I'll—
17:21
No, Hayley. I don't need you to fight my battles.
17:23
I'm assertive now! Listen, dude—
17:28
Dad, do something! - So what exactly is a frittata?
17:32
- Dad? Hey, I'm hungry
17:34
This guy rode me like an animal for three hours.
17:37
Do you have any idea what that's like?
17:40
And now I'm not hungry. - Look, get this through your head, Avery.
17:43
We are over. I'm with Jeff now.
17:45
How dare you talk to me that way, you third-rate tart?
17:49
Uh, sir, she is my daughter. - Silence, man-horse!
17:53
This is between me and that filthy, cheap slut.
18:03
This is for treating me like an errand boy!
18:05
This is for delaying my promotion! This is for disrespecting my daughter!
18:09
And this is for not letting me stop at the "crick" for a drink.
18:16
[ Bones Cracking ] - Oh!
18:19
[Klaus Narrating ] This fight took three days to choreograph.
18:22
If you look closely, you'll notice that the Asian cook is the same man...
18:26
who was in the microfilm-eating contest at the CIA. carnival
18:30
A tragic story. The actor who was supposed to play the cook, jimmy Ng...
18:34
was killed while driving to the set.
18:36
Ja. Everyone was devastated. But, you know, the show must go on.
18:39
Ach, we just missed the funniest joke in the episode. [ Chuckles ]
18:43
i'm sorry. I'll shut up now.
18:46
Any last words, Deputy Director?
18:49
Um—[ Groans ]
18:52
Just two: you pass.
18:55
Bravo, Smith. Bravo.
18:58
I Knew you'd prove your mettle.
19:00
You see, I staged this elaborate ruse just to test you.
19:07
Sir, I'm not sure I understand. - Take a closer look...
19:10
at these dim-witted mountain-dwelling folk.
19:13
Actors! All a company of actors.
19:17
All acting under my direction.
19:20
You see, before promoting you, I had to be certain...
19:23
that you would stand up for Hayley.
19:26
For if you couldn't Stand up for your daughter...
19:28
how could you stand up for your country?
19:31
Or something like that. - So, none of this was real?
19:34
No, sir. - But y-you're really hurt.
19:37
[ Chuckling ] It would appear that way.
19:41
But no. [ Spits ] Props will be wanting this back.
19:45
But you wanted me to kill Jeff. - He was in on it too!
19:49
Stand up and take a bow, Jeff.
19:54
Brilliant! You really believe he might have a severe spinal injury.
19:59
Dad, you're not really buying all this?
20:01
Oh, poor Hayley. A mere pawn.
20:04
A necessary sacrifice to ensure our country promotes the best man possible.
20:08
-[ Retches ] -[ Screams ]
20:10
Scene's over, dear. See you at the cast party.
20:13
I''ll announce your promotion first thing Monday. - Uh, thank you, sir.
20:17
A massive SUCCESS. My only regret?
20:20
I didn't get to jump through the breakaway glass I had installed.
20:24
[ Grunting, Panting ]
20:31
I got to say, Dad, I never expected you to defend my honor.
20:35
You know, Hayley, I-i guess by giving up what I thought was important...
20:39
I-I ended up learning what really is important.
20:42
You, kiddo. You. - Oh, Daddy!
20:46
[ Klaus Narrating ] Oh, this speech is completely out of character for Stan.
20:50
The network insisted that Stan "learn a lesson."
20:53
So we had to air this sappy ending. It's— it's very disappointing.
21:05
[ Man Singing ]
21:13
[ Ends]
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
