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Please! Please tell me you slept with another man!
S02E03 All About Steve
07:41 – 07:43
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Maybe the fact that he's not even my son?
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Tell me it was in our bed, and he was wearing my tie as a headband...
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:40
Who can bring me up to speed? - [ Together ] Me! Me! Pick me!
00:45
I choose... Smith. - Face!
00:47
One hour ago, a cyber-terrorist hacked into the dam's computers and shut it down...
00:52
causing statewide blackouts...
00:54
and my DVD of Personal Best to cut out right before the chicks did each other.
00:58
Any suspects? - No. But the psychopath faxed us this note.
01:01
Luckily, there was paper in the machine this time.
01:03
I've never seen this language before.
01:06
No one has, sir. That's why we're flying in our top code breaker.
01:09
[Stan] His name is Tom Jorgenson. He's notoriously difficult to work with.
01:14
Some call him a genius. Others call him a madman.
01:16
But he's the single most valuable weapon our country has in our war on terror.
01:25
Scott here is, uh, pretty good at the Jumble.
01:29
Damn it! There's a maniac out there jeopardizing the security of our nation!
01:34
We must focus all of our resources on catching him!
01:37
[Whispering ] - Right after softball practice.
01:43
It slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God.
01:48
Nice shot, Smith. Accompanied by a hauntingly poignant turn of phrase.
01:52
Thanks. It's from Reagan's speech when the Challenger blew up.
01:54
Speaking of which, you're going down in flames at the father/son softball game Saturday.
01:58
Hey, my kid just made varsity, and he's only 12 or something.
02:01
Yeah. My son is so strong, when I talk out of turn, he beats me up with one hand.
02:06
His one freakishly large hand.
02:09
Oh, yeah? Well, my son's a chip off the old perfectly chiseled...
02:12
never impotent, except for that one time I couldn't get Lisa Kudrow out of my head, block.
02:16
Yep. Steve's an absolute warrior.
02:19
I am the Elf Warrior of Gallendror!
02:21
My elf powers are invisibility, archery and worthy hygiene.
02:26
Well, your freshly brushed teeth will make a minty necklace for my troll king!
02:31
Oh, snap! - [ Steve ] All right then, bring it on! Bring it on!
02:33
I sure hope the fellows like Crystal Light as much as I do.
02:37
Roger, have you lost your mind? You know you can't let Steve's friends see you.
02:41
Oh, Hayley, they won't notice I'm not Francine. They're 13.
02:44
They'll never take their eyes off my sweater meat.
02:47
Look, don't go down there.
02:49
I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
02:52
That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place.
02:55
It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search.
02:59
Did I say thrill? I meant fear.
03:05
[Stan] Nice one! Beautiful!
03:07
Way to step into it. Amazing.
03:10
Huh. He's good, but he's no Smith.
03:12
Sun was in your eyes. Wind took that one.
03:15
You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet. You weren't ready yet.
03:18
-[ Groans ] - Good job, Son. Take your base.
03:23
Sandwiches for my big sluggers.
03:26
Steve, I put yours in the blender so you don't have to chew.
03:29
Thanks, Mom. And thanks again for hanging out with me today, Dad.
03:33
It doesn't look like Steve had much fun at the batting cages.
03:36
Nonsense! You should have seen him crying when we were leaving.
03:39
You know, Stan, maybe Steve's not the athlete you think he is.
03:43
Are you saying our son is a loser? - No, of course not. I'm just—
03:47
Damn right. Because if you're an athlete, you're a winner.
03:49
And all Smiths are winners. Therefore, all athletes are Smiths.
03:52
I'll take my sandwich in the study.
03:54
Ach, he's so delusional. Well, I'm late for my pedicure.
03:57
[ Imitating Motor Running ]
04:03
[ Imitating Tires Screeching ]
04:05
[Imitating Footsteps ]
04:08
[ Imitating Door Creaking ]
04:10
I'm sorry I'm late, Mai Ling. I'm thinking French tips this week.
04:14
Behold! It is here. The events guide to this weekend's sci-fi convention.
04:19
I've been waiting all year for this! - Yeah!
04:21
They're doing a Klingon wedding, followed by a Klingon divorce.
04:25
Rok-pra! - You said it! Get a prenup.
04:29
Steve, how would you like to go to the Yankee-Oriole game tomorrow?
04:33
Really? - Absolutely. If you want to get good at something...
04:35
you have to see it done up close by professionals.
04:38
That's why I took your mother to Bangkok last summer.
04:41
Oh! Her Pad Thai is delicious now.
04:44
Uh, Steve, you were supposed to go on a mission with us tomorrow?
04:48
You're all invited. - Cool! Can we wear our uniforms?
04:51
Absolutely. And I got you all baseball jackets too. - Oh, that's great, man!
04:56
Your size would have cost me two bucks extra, so, uh, just bring a sweater.
05:04
I've never been to a baseball game before. - Yeah?
05:06
Well, wait till you hear who pulled some strings to get us into the Yankee locker room.
05:10
You? - I said wait, pork chop!
05:13
Whoa. Whoa. [ Chuckles ] Where did that come from?
05:15
Uh, yes, Steve's friend, it was me.
05:17
Well, going to the beach as a Saudi exchange student was an awful idea.
05:22
Well, I'm sorry no one talked to you. But we can't risk anyone seeing you.
05:26
Hayley, I'm a social creature. I need to mingle.
05:29
You know, back home, I was a greeter at Philaxido?
05:32
It's kind of like Wal-mart.
05:34
Except when people work there for 18 years, they aren't proud of it.
05:38
-[ Chattering ] - Look, boys. Perennial All-Star, Derek Jeter.
05:42
Hey, kids. Have fun at the game.
05:45
Listen, the CIA. said they were done with me.
05:48
I still have the headaches and the nightmares.
05:50
What happened in Munich? Who did I kill?
05:53
No, no. I'm not here for that. I'm here with my son.
05:55
He's an athlete, like you.
05:57
We've landed. Gentlemen, reveal uniforms. - [Men Chuckling ]
06:03
Steve, what are you doing? - [ Beeps ]
06:05
We've beamed down to a planet of strange men in swaddling clothes.
06:09
What's your reading, Chekov? - [Speaking Japanese ]
06:15
I'm Sulu.
06:22
Athlete? Stan, your son's a geek.
06:25
What? No! No, that can't be!
06:27
[ Techno Pop]
06:42
[ Continues ]
06:47
[ Ends ] - Aah!
06:50
[ Gasps ]
06:58
Oh, thank God! [ Gasps ]
07:10
The cyber-terrorist has struck again. - That's right, Greg.
07:12
This time he hacked into the computer system of the largest refinery on the East Coast...
07:16
essentially shutting down all oil production.
07:18
Oh, I hope that doesn't include olive oil.
07:20
Someone promised to make me paella this weekend.
07:22
Great. Now it seems like an obligation instead of a treat.
07:25
-[ Grinding ] - Stan, stop grinding your teeth.
07:27
It's not your fault that nut-job is still out there.
07:30
Forget national security! We have a real crisis! Our son is a geek!
07:34
So our son is a geek? Who cares?
07:37
You knew? What else have you been hiding?
07:39
Maybe the fact that he's not even my son?
07:41
Please! Please tell me you slept with another man!
07:43
Tell me it was in our bed, and he was wearing my tie as a headband...
07:46
and-and you grabbed the tie to gain leverage...
07:49
and then apologized, embarrassed, but he said...
07:51
"No, baby. You grab what you need to grab to keep doing what you're doing."
07:54
Tell me! If you ever loved me, you'll tell me that's what happened!
07:57
Stop overreacting.
07:59
Look, you two are gonna go to the father/son softball game tomorrow...
08:02
and have a wonderful time.
08:05
Hey, everyone. I'm Steve Smith, Stan Smith's son.
08:10
Stan Smith is my dad. Watch me play throw. [ Grunts ]
08:15
[ All Laughing ]
08:17
[ Grinding ]
08:21
Oh, honey. You're breaking out in a stress rash.
08:24
You need ein facial. I'll call Mai Ling and make you an appointment.
08:28
[ Imitating Dialing ]
08:30
[ Imitating Phone Ringing ]
08:32
McCullough's Outdoor Furniture, Bob speaking.
08:34
Ach, I'm sorry. I must have misdialed. Click.
08:37
Look, you said you wanted a job so you could meet people.
08:39
No, no, it's good. I-It's fine. The costume's nice and spacious.
08:43
There's enough room in here for everything, except my self-respect.
08:47
It's not my fault the job market sucks. I didn't vote for Bush.
08:51
Let it go, Hayley. - [ Hayley ] Never!
08:56
Uh, hey, Son. - Dad, check out my protective cup.
08:59
It's like a force field for my boy parts.
09:02
Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, yes. Unfortunately, the game's been rained out.
09:06
Oh, no. - Yeah, I know. God, I'm crushed!
09:10
You know, we could still do something together. - We sure could.
09:14
Well, good-bye!
09:17
[ Doorbell Rings ]
09:20
Hey, Steve. Want to burn bugs with a magnifying glass?
09:23
We use the sun to send them to heaven.
09:25
Wait. It's not raining.
09:30
Wow! Your dad used a rain machine to ditch you? Why the hell would he do that?
09:35
Knock it out of the park, Son! - [ Cheering ]
09:38
Nice hit, Son! - [ Man ] Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah!
09:44
Your son is phenomenal, Smith. - Thank you, sir.
09:46
Yeah, he's amazing.
09:49
No one told you to talk! - I'm sorry, Son.
09:52
Hey, Stan. How come I've never seen this son of yours before?
09:55
Darnelle's been to the office a hundred times!
09:57
Or are black people invisible to you, you racist bastard?
10:00
[ Crowd Cheering ] - Wow! They sure can run, can't they?
10:04
Way to go, Son!
10:07
[ Gasps ]
10:09
Half off on a peach smoothie!
10:11
Thanks. That's a good deal.
10:13
Yes! I had a conversation.
10:16
[Man] What are you doin' on my corner?
10:18
Hola, Taco King. ¿Como estas?
10:22
Guess I should have used the formal usted
10:24
You're cutting into my business! - Oh, come on.
10:27
I bet if you let me inside your hard shell, i'd find a lump of soft meat.
10:32
[ Chuckles ] Th-That came out wrong.
10:34
Ow! Ow! Ow! Please! Let's talk this out! Pl-- Ow!
10:38
[ Roger ] Why does everyone hate the juice? - [Horns Honking ]
10:43
[ Humming: "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" ]
10:47
Uh, Steve! - How was your day?
10:50
Oh, i-i-i-it was, uh, it was great. Great.
10:52
Great. Great. What's, uh, what's that on your shoulder?
10:57
It looks like a strand of Big League chew.
11:00
Except that looks like grape. And you only chew original.
11:03
Oh, that. Uh, well, I, uh—
11:06
I was at the softball game, Dad! I saw you with him!
11:09
Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'm weak! I have needs!
11:11
No, I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not the son you want me to be!
11:16
-[ Grunts ] -[ Grinding ]
11:19
Uh, Francine!
11:21
What kind of father would do that to his own son? -[ Grinding ]
11:28
-[ Screams ] - I got beat up by a taco.
11:31
-[ Grinding ] -[ Snap ]
11:38
Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class "A" grinder.
11:41
Now I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder...
11:44
or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father...
11:48
one fateful afternoon in Rome.
11:50
No, you're a Class "A" grinder...
11:52
meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
11:55
Braces? You've got to be kidding!
11:58
[ Chuckles ] I only wish, Mr. Smith.
12:00
And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love...
12:03
with that filthy fat gypsy.
12:05
And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no"...
12:08
before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room.
12:10
But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
12:13
But I-i already had braces when I was a kid.
12:15
Doctor, I've paid my dues.
12:17
[ Thinking ] Papa, no! - [ Thinking: Monkey Screeching ]
12:21
-[ Thinking: Footsteps Running ] -[ Thinking: Door Slamming Shut ]
12:23
Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?
12:30
[ Beeps ]
12:32
[ Beeping Rapidly ]
12:37
This morning the cyber-terrorist struck again.
12:40
Agent Smith, could you tell us the location?
12:42
[ Lisping ] The Securities and Exchange Commission.
12:45
[All Laughing ] - Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
12:48
All right. All right. Settle down. Back to the cyber-terrorist.
12:52
Once again, he sent a note in the same mysterious language.
12:55
All of our living code breakers are absolutely stumped.
12:58
Therefore, because we have no leads, this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque.
13:03
[All Cheering ] - All right! Yeah! Yeah!
13:07
Hey, pizza face! Here comes a delivery!
13:09
[ All Laughing ]
13:12
Well, that guy was a real jerk.
13:14
Yes. It's a sad sight when Americans turn against Americans.
13:24
[ Men Laughing ] - Oh, ha, ha. Real mature, guys.
13:27
You're lucky I'm wearing my vest. - Your attention, please.
13:30
I'm afraid the arbitrary raid on that mosque has been canceled due to rain.
13:36
-[All aahing ] - Man!
13:38
Well, I might as well get my rainy-day mix tape out of the car.
13:43
Wait a second.
13:45
Not a drop of rain in all of Christendom.
13:51
They ditched me. - [Horn Honking ]
13:53
[ Honking Continues ]
13:56
[ All Laughing ]
13:59
I'm telling the president on you!
14:05
They all went on a mission and left me behind like-- like I was... a geek!
14:11
Well, now you know how you made Steve feel.
14:13
So you need to go to him and apologize and tell him how much you love him.
14:18
Fine. If i'm gonna be a geek, I might as well be a sissy too.
14:23
I steal your bag of holding, cut off your head with my vorpal blade...
14:27
and throw your corpse in the fires of Lake Piracima!
14:30
Whoa! Easy, Steve. -I am not your father, okay?
14:35
I'm just Balthor, a simple ogre blacksmith trying to make a living.
14:40
[ Speaking Japanese ]
14:45
Steve, may I speak to you for a second?
14:50
Come on, Steve. He's your dad.
14:53
Shut up, fatty fat, fat pants!
14:55
Wow. Seriously, I have no idea what that's about.
14:58
Only the holder of the amulet may talk.
15:00
So! I give you an elf curse! - Oh, my God!
15:04
[Stan ] That's the language the cyber-terrorist uses in his notes!
15:07
What? Wait. May I?
15:10
Why do they always set the rear brackets too tight?
15:12
There. Now say something. -[ Lisp Free ] Sweet Sally Struthers.
15:15
Sweet Sally Struthers. I can say sweet Sally Struthers!
15:19
Now tell me, what is that language? - It's Elvish.
15:21
Of course. The Yiddish Elvis. - No. The language of the elves.
15:26
Look, Steve, if you could translate his notes...
15:28
then I could capture this madman and be one of the cool agents again.
15:31
Please, Son. I really need your help.
15:35
[ Sighs ] Fine. I'll help you.
15:40
Look, Mr. Smith, your stress zits are going away. Yea!
15:44
Oh, God, I want to hit you!
15:49
Okay, in this one, the cyber-terrorist says...
15:52
"Your money will come to a grinding halt and all because of society's fault."
15:56
Of course! He was taunting us about his attack on the Securities Exchange Commission.
16:01
If only there was some clue as to who this elusive mastermind is.
16:06
It's right here in the letterhead— "From the desk of Dan Vebber."
16:09
Holy crap! The Dan Vebber? - You know this monster?
16:12
Are you kidding? He's only the contributing editor of Wizard's and Shut-ins magazine.
16:18
And tonight, there's only one place he could be— the sci-fi convention.
16:23
Then let's go! And way to save precious seconds by abbreviating science fiction as sci-fi.
16:28
But next time, maybe say sci-fi con or S.F.C., because time is of the essence.
16:32
Or as we say at the agency, T.O.— No. No, wait.
16:35
Time is— is of-- t.i.o.-- t.i.o.-- What am I spelling here?
16:43
Where are you going? - Sci-fi convention!
16:47
Roger, I know a place where you can meet people. [I Gasps ]
16:51
Oh, my God! If he had just held on!
16:54
Huh? Oh, no, no. I sleep like this sometimes. It's good for my back.
16:57
So where are we going?
17:01
So why would Dan Vebber become a cyber-terrorist?
17:04
What do we know about Dan Vebber?
17:06
Well, he's a grown man obsessed with the Lord of the Rings— - That's it!
17:10
By destroying modern infrastructures...
17:12
he hopes to create a Middle Earth in the here and now.
17:15
That's it! I've cracked it!
17:17
But wait a second. Steve was the one who—
17:25
[ Chattering ]
17:28
Good God! Who's manning the Internet?
17:31
-[ Whirring ] -[ Cocking ]
17:36
Agent Smith, CIA. - Agent Mulder, F.B.I.
17:39
I'm Agent Scully. - Excellent. Follow me.
17:43
I don't know who he's playing, but he is so committed.
17:46
Do not invite him back to the apartment.
17:48
But— - Not even to watch.
17:50
Oh, this is so great, not having to wear a disguise.
17:53
I can actually make a connection with people as me.
17:56
Want me to Irish up that coffee for you?
17:59
No? Well, suit yourself. -[ Gulping ]
18:02
Hey, I'm Roger. Nice to meet you. Nanu nanu.
18:06
Hey, it's— it's you!
18:08
Oh, God! This guy. - You know him?
18:11
It's me, Kurt. - Right. Right, Kurt.
18:14
How ya doing? - How am I doing? You probed me!
18:18
You set fire to my Celica! No one believed me!
18:21
My wife left me! She took my boys!
18:23
But, hey, that's okay because you're back...
18:25
and you can tell everyone that you exist and that I'm not crazy.
18:28
Yeah. Uh, this is kind of my weekend.
18:31
Um, look, just, uh, hang out at your booth and I'll swing back by...
18:35
and we'll piece together the shattered remains of your life or— or whatever.
18:39
Oh, God, thank you. Thank you! You're coming back?
18:42
Ten minutes, right here. Keep walking.
18:45
Every thinking, rational person knows that Luke Skywalker...
18:49
would totally destroy Frodo!
18:51
Yes. Were it not for the one ring which bestows the power of invisibility.
18:56
That's Dan Vebber! - Sorry, Vebber.
18:59
You're going away for a long time. So pack your baggins. - [All Groaning ]
19:05
Dad, I know people here.
19:07
So the enemies of Middle Earth are upon Dan Vebber.
19:11
Fellow dorks, this is the man who convinced Lucas...
19:14
to not release the anamorphic, 5.1 DVD transfers...
19:18
of the original, non-special-edition Star Wars Trilogy.
19:21
[ All Gasping, Growling ]
19:25
[ Crowd Shouting, indistinct ]
19:31
[Imitating Light Saber Buzzing ]
19:36
[Thud]
19:51
Frodo lives and you must die.
19:54
[Steve] Not so fast, Halfling.
19:56
This is the underwear Peter Jackson wore while editing the Frighteners.
20:06
[ Screaming ]
20:09
-[Grunting ] - Nice work, Son.
20:12
Ooh! Ooh! - Freeze, you big-footed freak!
20:15
Dan Vebber does not fear you, for he is ushering in the age of magic.
20:19
And you cannot shoot what you cannot see. Ha!
20:23
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha—
20:25
[ Groaning, Sobbing ]
20:28
-[ Moaning ] - Well done, Smith.
20:31
Well, the credit should go to Steve. He's the real hero.
20:34
Way to go, Son. - Thanks, Dad.
20:37
I'm just glad you learned to finally appreciate me for who! I am.
20:40
I sure have, Son. And I'm glad you enjoyed this auto show.
20:43
It's a sci-fi convention.
20:47
[ Chuckling ] My son loves his cars.
20:50
I don't get it, Roger. You say you want to connect with people...
20:54
and then you spend two hours in the bathroom...
20:56
avoiding the one person on this planet who wants to talk to you.
20:59
Just shut up and get me back to my attic.
21:01
I can't believe I agreed to do this.
21:03
It's different this time, Ilene! He's here!
21:05
And you're gonna see him! And the boys are gonna see him!
21:08
And you'll all know I'm not crazy! And we can be a family again!
21:11
Oh, God! Don't look. Don't look.
21:46
Bye-bye. See you soon.
