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I'm a nobody. Ow! Stop it!
S02E04 Con Heir
20:29 – 20:31
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My whole, pathetic life's been based on a lie.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, USA.
00:28
[Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
It's up to you, Smith. You've got one shot.
00:34
With this, it's live or die.
00:36
Damn it, man! Don't you think I know that?
00:39
Yes! Deputy Director Bullock.
00:41
Gentlemen, we have a crucial mission.
00:43
We found an Al-Qaeda cell camped out in the remote desert of Algeria.
00:48
Are they planning an attack? - No, they're just on a camping trip.
00:51
Those s'mores-making bastards!
00:53
We're going to infiltrate the site and take them out.
00:56
It'll be tough, dangerous...
00:58
and a perfect chance to premiere my new cargo shorts.
01:01
Excellent! If we have to dress up as a camel on this mission, I call the front.
01:05
Actually, Smith, you're staying behind to book our flight.
01:07
Say what? - Smith, per this photo, you're a family man.
01:11
You're too valuable to too many people...
01:13
to risk your life on this thrilling adventure.
01:16
But, sir— - Duper, look what I got at Banana Republic!
01:19
We're "twinsies"!
01:24
And that's how I lost a testicle.
01:26
Wow, Grandpa. I thought I heard every story there was about Bette Davis.
01:31
Ooh! What's that? A bugaboo?
01:33
Roger, you're not supposed to be in here while Grandpa's visiting.
01:35
Don't worry, Gramps. I'm just a faded memory...
01:37
of the girl you kissed on VJ. Day...
01:40
wanderin' through to get some Cheez-Its.
01:42
Hey, while you're in there, get me an Otter Pop. Alexander the Grape!
01:46
Look, Dad. Grandpa came to visit.
01:49
Oh, hey, Dad. Steve, I hope you Scotchgarded.
01:51
We can't flip that cushion again.
01:54
[ Grunting ]
01:56
Hi, honey. - Oh, Francine...
01:58
Bullock stuck me with another pathetic assignment.
02:00
I'm in a rut. My career is going nowhere.
02:02
Well, if you need a place to go, how about the market?
02:05
Oh, and, Francine, F.Y.I....
02:07
Cheese Nips are not the same as Cheez-its.
02:10
Why have a list if you're not gonna follow it?
02:15
All the cool missions go to the young guys.
02:18
Oh, Stan, maybe you're just having a midlife crisis. You wanna cheat on me?
02:22
A mistress on my salary, Francine? Come on!
02:26
Listen, sweetheart. You have a stable job...
02:29
an adoring wife and a family that loves you.
02:32
That makes you the richest man in the world.
02:35
Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world.
02:38
Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world...
02:42
because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
02:45
Oh, Stan, please. - Oh, hang on. That's the other line.
02:48
Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches.
02:51
What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you?
02:55
What an odd policy! - Okay, I get it!
02:58
Francine, I don't want to be a pencil pusher.
03:00
I'm a killing machine. - Oh, sweetie, I know.
03:03
Why don't you just talk to your boss and tell him how you feel?
03:06
That's perfect! I'll plant a bomb in his office and then diffuse it...
03:09
So I can prove I've still got it.
03:12
Baby, I just might have that affair after all.
03:18
My God! There's a bomb in my office!
03:21
Oh, my God! It's a giant bomb!
03:24
How fudge-making! - There's a bomb?
03:26
What's goin' on? - Someone brought fudge?
03:28
Now, everyone watch as this family man/killing machine defuses this bomb.
03:33
[ Bomb Ticking ]
03:36
[Glasses Shatter ]
03:40
[Francine's Voice ] Open it! Open it, birthday boy!
03:43
[Stan's Voice ] What's this?
03:45
A chain for your reading glasses. - Oh, this— this is elegant.
03:47
I'll-i'll definitely wear It. I'll definitely, definitely wear It.
03:51
[ Shudders ]
03:57
Oh, God, we're gonna die! Fudge has been made! Mommy, help me!
04:02
[ Ticking Continues ]
04:08
[ Ticking Stops ]
04:10
Well done, Duper! Way to save us all!
04:13
[Cheering ] - Oh, Duper's got nail clippers.
04:15
You get a free vagina with that? [ Laughs, Groans ]
04:22
Come on, guys! Guess who I am!
04:24
Oh, uh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I don't care.
04:27
It's Gavin from my algebra class. He's always doing this.
04:30
Well, you tell Gavin to pay attention.
04:32
The students in China pay attention...
04:34
and they outnumber us four to one.
04:36
The red dragon awakens.
04:38
It's over. I'm washed up. I'm the Chumbawamba of secret agents.
04:43
Mom, Dad, you better come in here!
04:45
Um, um, okay, okay. Uh, dead! Lifeless!
04:48
Lindsay Lohan's eyes!
04:50
Stan, your father!
04:57
Okay, what have we got here?
04:59
Ah, beloved grandpa. Of course!
05:01
God forbid I get to spice up my day with a murdered stripper.
05:04
Stan, maybe you should say a few words.
05:06
Great. Thanks for landing this. I got tee time in like 20 minutes.
05:10
[ Car Door Closes ] - [Engine Starts ]
05:13
[ Hard Rock ] - [ Tires Screeching ]
05:15
So... Tacos? Who wants tacos? I'm buying.
05:19
Gosh, Dad, you're not even gonna say anything about your own father?
05:22
Oh, he didn't like tacos. - [ Helicopter Approaching ]
05:30
Hello, Stan. Long time no partially see.
05:33
Oh, my God! - Stan, who is this?
05:37
Just the most awesome Super spy that ever lived!
05:40
Francine, kids, meet Jack Smith, my real dad.
05:44
Say what?
05:48
Good-looking family, Son.
05:50
This is your real father? You hid this from me for 20 years?
05:54
Oh, yeah, you— you didn't have a clue. Whoo.
05:58
Sorry, gang, but for the last four decades...
06:00
I've been hip-deep in the blood of America's enemies.
06:05
So, why are you here now? - I decided it was high time to meet the family.
06:09
Wait a minute. If that's our grandfather, who did we just bury?
06:12
Well, let's just say he's a beloved family friend...
06:15
who helped me in my hour of need.
06:17
Listen, I'm getting married in three hours...
06:19
and I need a pretend dad for the next 30 years.
06:22
[ All Shouting In Spanish ]
06:25
Okay, how about you? - [ Murmuring ]
06:27
So forget this guy.
06:29
You've got the real thing right here.
06:32
Hey, chief, I brought you a Taliban snow globe.
06:35
Shake it. That's real heroin.
06:37
I don't want a heroin snow globe! I want my fake dead grandpa!
06:42
[ Grunts ]
06:44
I can't believe you lied to me all these years!
06:48
And the best part is I'm still lying to you about a bunch of other stuff.
06:55
Ah, just need a pinch of fresh dill.
06:59
Oh, Dad, these eggs are the best!
07:01
Francine, taste these eggs.
07:03
It's like Dad plucked them from the ovaries of an angel.
07:05
So, you're a despicable CIA. fascist like my father.
07:09
No, doll face. I work for the Scarlet Alliance.
07:12
It's more secret, more deadly, and everyone wears a turtleneck.
07:16
Sounds like a disco I used to frequent in Berlin.
07:18
I did lines with Falco in the men's room.
07:21
Greedy, greedy Falco.
07:23
God, the Scarlet Alliance sounds so cool!
07:26
I wish I was doing what you're doing:
07:28
taking a sweet, 20-year break from the family...
07:30
then coming back in a blaze of glory and eggs.
07:32
Who used all my cream rinse? -[ Screams ]
07:35
-[ Screams ] - What the hell are you?
07:37
Yeah, can someone tell Snake Plissken here to back off?
07:41
Sorry, Dad. I should've told you we have an alien.
07:43
I know it's against regulations, but, uh, I kind of owe him my life.
07:46
Oh. Well, in that case, we're square.
07:49
Now scare me up some bourbon, space man.
07:51
God, not even a please! Treat me like a doormat, why don't ya?
07:55
I'll be right back. [ Giggling ]
08:02
[ Door Creaks ] - Hello?
08:04
Oh, hi. I'm Steve. This was my grandpa's apartment.
08:08
Oh, I'm Gretchen.
08:10
Your grandfather and I used to play bridge together.
08:13
Would you like on of his Sugar packets as a keepsake?
08:16
Oh, he loved his sugar packets.
08:19
Oh, he took these from IHOP!
08:21
Yeah, he loved his IHOP.
08:23
Breakfast sampler, extra fruit, no bacon. - No bacon.
08:26
[ Both Laughing ]
08:28
[ Sighs ] I'm gonna miss him.
08:30
Me too.
08:34
[ Both Moaning ]
08:41
[ Bedsprings Creaking ] - [Stan ] And my dad fought Communists and terrorists.
08:44
And he has a jet pack and a helicopter, and I bet he could beat up a cowboy.
08:47
[Francine ] This isn't working for me, Stan.
08:50
What's the problem? I was gyrating with the sensible rhythm of the Dave Clark Five...
08:53
and talking about my amazing dad.
08:55
Yeah, about your amazing dad. I still can't believe you kept this from me.
09:00
But he said not to tell. - But I'm your wife!
09:03
And he's my dad! That's nature's wife.
09:06
Don't you get it, Francine? The whole reason I joined the C.I.A. was to be like him.
09:10
What kind of man abandons his family for 20 years?
09:13
Only the manliest man in the world.
09:15
Honestly, you should be having sex with him right now. He'd do you right.
09:18
You want me to go get him? I don't think he's asleep.
09:21
You know, Stan, not everyone thinks he's as wonderful as you do.
09:24
Jack is so wonderful.
09:26
How many push-ups do you think he can do?
09:29
Cause I think he can do a hundred.
09:31
Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
09:34
No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?
09:38
[ Beeping, Dings ]
09:43
Well done, kiddo. Fine "killingsmanship."
09:46
Really, Dad? Gosh, thanks.
09:48
Stan, it's time I told you the truth.
09:51
I didn't come to town just to see my grandchildren.
09:54
The fact is I'm retiring.
09:56
Dad, no! You can't! So many people will be left unkilled.
10:00
Ah, that's where you come in. I want you to take my place.
10:04
No? Join the Scarlet Alliance? Really?
10:07
I have one last mission...
10:09
and if you help me make it a success, the job is yours.
10:13
Whoo-hoo! -[ Firing Gun]
10:15
Ah, who will finish my masterpiece now?
10:24
You quit the C.I.A.? - That's right.
10:27
I have a chance to join the Scarlet Alliance!
10:30
A chance? You don't even have the job yet?
10:34
What about your family? - Francine, this is my dream.
10:37
My life will finally be rich with adventure.
10:40
Oh, adventure. Hold on.
10:42
Hello, MasterCard? Do you accept payment in the form of adventure?
10:46
But— - Hello, colleges? I'd like to pay my son's tuition.
10:50
I don't have any money, but my husband is rich in adventure!
10:54
Well, what'd they say?
10:58
Okay, these are blueprints of the National Gallery of Art.
11:01
Finally, all-out war against artists! I've longed for this day.
11:05
No, Stan. Terrorists have smuggled uranium in a shipment of Egyptian artwork.
11:10
Terrorists? You mean Al-Qaeda?
11:12
Al-Qaeda? Please! Al-Qaeda wishes they could cater these guys' parties.
11:16
We have to break into the museum and get the uranium before they do.
11:19
No! It's too dangerous! You and I could be so happy together.
11:23
What? -I said, "Cheez-It?"
11:28
[ Doorbell Rings ]
11:30
Hello. Are you from a religion?
11:32
Because we're happy with the god we have now.
11:35
No, ma'am. We're from the F.B.I.
11:37
We're on the trail of a jewel thief who may be in this area.
11:40
Have you seen a man about 6'2", 65 years old, sometimes leaps from a helicopter?
11:44
Yes. - Salty demeanor. Wears a turtleneck.
11:46
Yes. - Is it this man?
11:51
Oh, thank heavens!
11:53
For a minute, I thought you were describing my father-in-law.
11:55
But he doesn't have a mustache.
11:57
No mustache? Sorry to waste your time, ma'am.
12:04
[ Humming ]
12:09
Well, I'm sure it can't be—
12:12
[ Gasps ] - [ Mustache Shatters ]
12:14
You're a jewel thief - Look, Dad! Look at me!
12:18
You're not taking Stan on a mission!
12:20
You're taking him on a jewel heist!
12:22
Keep your pretty mouth shut, and everything'll be Punky Brewster.
12:26
Dad, you're not looking! - Look, either you tell Stan the truth, or I will!
12:30
All right, Francine.
12:32
This won't be easy, but I'll tell him.
12:34
First I'm gonna need a shot of Dutch courage.
12:37
Hah! Straight to the brain!
12:41
[ Whining ] Dad, you missed it!
12:46
Gentlemen, I made out with a chick.
12:49
She's an older woman. - Yeah? How old?
12:52
She's 80! - [ Both Spitting ]
12:54
Dude, she's got wrinkles!
12:56
So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.
12:59
Now, if you need me later on, check the Retirement Villa, Apartment 2C.
13:03
I'll be PoliGripping third base.
13:11
My dad told me everything.
13:13
Oh, Stan, I'm so sorry. The truth hurts, but—
13:17
I know you're working for the other side, Francine! - What?
13:20
You're a spy! - Oh, please. That's so ridic--
13:23
[ Taser Zapping ]
13:25
You're out of bourbon. - [Whining ] Dad, you missed it.
13:32
[ Echoing ] Stan, your father is lying to you! I am not a spy!
13:37
Dad told me you'd say that. - He's using you.
13:39
He's really a jewel thief. - Dad told me you'd say that too.
13:42
He told me all about your master plan.
13:44
I was destined for greatness until you tricked me into having this loving family...
13:48
thus dooming me to a life of mediocrity.
13:51
But no more, succubus!
13:53
Ready, Son? - Sure, Pop.
13:54
Dad's taking me on a mission.
13:56
But first we're stopping for cheeseburgers and milk shakes. Jealous?
13:59
Yeah, you are. You totally are.
14:05
Gretchen? Ready to party? - [ Slow Big Band]
14:07
I brought us a sixer of Ensure.
14:10
Oh— OH, just a minute. - [ Record Scratches ]
14:13
Hey, baby. - You're early.
14:15
I was so excited, I couldn't keep away.
14:18
That's funny. My friend Snot has a cut-off Wrangler jean vest just like that.
14:30
How — How could you?
14:32
Handsome, you've got to understand.
14:34
I don't have long for this world.
14:36
Monogamy's for girls in their 60s.
14:39
Don't try to apologize! From now on, there's a sign on our love...
14:42
and that sign reads: "Do Not Resuscitate."
14:46
[ Sobbing ]
14:48
[ Pounding ] - Please! Somebody!
14:53
What the hell is this? Hang on. I'll get you out of there.
14:56
Oh, Roger, thank God you're here.
14:58
Jack convinced Stan I was a spy, so he locked me up.
15:01
Wait. Jack said you're a spy?
15:03
Yes! The man's a jewel thief, and he—
15:06
Sorry. But if The Jackhammer says you're a spy, that's good enough for me.
15:10
Roger, wait. No, don't— don't! - [ Door Closes ]
15:18
You're a natural, boy, and you look fantastic in that turtleneck.
15:22
Like a beardless Paul Mitchell.
15:24
I can't believe I was married to a spy for 20 years.
15:27
i'll never let a loved one fool me again!
15:30
Now, Daddy, let's go get that uranium you told me about.
15:37
Hey, are you two capering? We don't allow capering in here!
15:41
[ Grunts ]
15:43
Point a flashlight at my dad, you terrorist-helping traitor!
15:48
[Woman's Voice ] } Dad, you're 76. just retire.
15:50
Mark and I would love for you to live with us.
15:53
[ Thinking ] Well, I can't leave the museum, Sheila. They need me.
15:57
[ Sheila's Voice ] But these are your golden years, Pop.
15:59
You should be enjoying life with your family.
16:01
[ Thinking ] Why, I never stopped enjoying it, Sheila.
16:04
And in a way, those paintings are my family.
16:09
Stan, that's enough. Let's get to the vault, Son.
16:12
[Speed-Dialing ] - Sheila, I'm ready.
16:15
Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
16:19
Right. So we should pound on it for like two minutes?
16:22
No. You've gotta gently work the dials till she surrenders...
16:28
and opens.
16:31
[ Buzzes ] - All right, Dad! We're in!
16:37
Now to find the hidden uranium.
16:40
Dad, how much time do we have to—
16:42
Oh, Jackie hit the big time! - Dad, what are you doing?
16:46
I, uh-- I'm-- Here. Help me take these jewels back to the lab.
16:51
They may contain clues or the down payment...
16:53
On a small island where I can swim and paint.
16:56
Francine was right! You're— You're a thief!
17:00
I can't believe it! I modeled my whole life after you!
17:03
Which is perfect. Because now you can use those C.I.A. skills...
17:06
to fulfill your destiny by joining me.
17:10
I can't believe you chose a life of crime...
17:12
over the most precious jewel of all: a son's love.
17:16
Oh, hold on a second. Hello, French Riviera?
17:18
Yes. Can I buy a chateau with my son's love?
17:21
Yes, yes, we all know the bit.
17:23
But I'm not a criminal, and I'm not going with you.
17:26
So I guess this is it. There's a security phone behind you.
17:30
Go ahead. Turn in your old man.
17:34
[ Clattering ] - Sorry, Stan. I can't go to jail.
17:38
Do you know what they'd do to my eye socket in there?
17:44
Just promise you'll treat her well.
17:46
No. I was wrong. It's just you were bragging about your girlfriend...
17:50
so I went to check her out, and, oh, come on, dude.
17:54
You know how sexy she is. - Yeah.
17:57
Look, I know I made a big mistake.
18:00
I just hope you can forgive me.
18:02
Ah, Snot, let's just make sure we never let a woman come between us again.
18:07
Agreed.
18:09
[ Wheezing ]
18:13
Ah! [ Laughing ] -[ Laughing ]
18:19
Come on, Stan. Figure a way out of here.
18:21
You can do this. You're not just a pencil pusher.
18:25
That's it!
18:27
Picasso, you've finally made yourself useful.
18:33
[ Buzzes ] - Yes!
18:36
Wait. If I enjoy the scene of the crime now...
18:38
I won't feel compelled to return to it later.
18:44
Freeze, thief! [ Gasps ] You're smoking?
18:54
Huh? - Whoa, dude!
19:14
Damn it! Back at the scene of the crime.
19:17
Guess I couldn't help myself after all.
19:20
You caught me. No one's ever caught me!
19:23
Sorry, Dad, but it's over.
19:25
I know. I also Know I was a better liar than I was a father.
19:29
And for that, I'm sorry.
19:31
Yeah, well, I guess everyone makes mistakes.
19:34
Can't you just let me go, Son?
19:36
After all, I let you go when you were just a baby.
19:40
All right. But the jewels stay with me, and this is your last robbery.
19:44
You have my word. Good-bye, Son.
19:48
Wait a second. Where are my keys?
19:51
I swear on my grandchildren: This car is the last thing I ever steal!
19:56
[ Tires Screech ]
20:00
[ Tires Screech ]
20:06
Francine, you were right. My dad's a thief and a con artist.
20:10
I'm just a sucker in an itchy turtleneck.
20:12
And what I did to you— Go ahead. Punch me in the face.
20:15
I deserve it. - Oh, Stan.
20:17
Ow! I said punch, not lamp!
20:19
That's for locking me in the basement without giving me any laundry to fold!
20:23
You know how I hate downtime! - Take pity on me.
20:26
My whole, pathetic life's been based on a lie.
20:29
I'm a nobody. Ow! Stop it!
20:31
You're not a nobody!
20:33
Stan, you don't have to be a super spy to be a hero...
20:36
because you're a hero right here in your own home.
20:39
-I-- I am? - Yes,
20:42
You're a better man than your dad could ever be.
20:45
Ah, Francine, you're right.
20:47
I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
20:49
Not even Algeria. - Oh, Stan.
20:52
Oh, no. - Hey, have you guys seen Jack?
20:56
No, Roger. Come on! Open this door!
20:59
Yeah, I'm not really comfortable with that.
21:01
I'm gonna have to talk to Jack first.
21:03
But he's not coming back. - He'll be back! You'll see!
21:07
He'll send for me!
21:09
[Stan] Francine, do you even like Roger?
21:12
'Cause I'm thinking we may have done enough for him.
21:46
Bye. Have a great time.
