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Fine, I'll cook it myself
S02E05 Stan of Arabia: Part 1
15:02 – 15:04
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Or as they say in my country— [ Snaps Twice ]
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00:05
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:10
[ Pigeons Coo ]
00:20
Where's Smith? - He was supposed to meet us here.
00:24
Hey! Gimme a chance to emerge!
00:26
Oh, look. You stained the sleeve! - I'm sorry.
00:28
Oh! Sorry's useful. Sorry's not a Shout Wipe, is it?
00:32
Men, this is the most difficult mission we've ever faced.
00:35
The target? Our boss, Deputy Director Bullock.
00:39
We've got to plan a surprise party...
00:42
honoring his 25 years at the CIA!
00:46
Oh, Ernest and Julio Gallo, you make a glorious wine and a handsome couple.
00:52
Francine! Roger, have you seen Francine?
00:55
Not since she came back from the store with this.
00:57
Look at its magnificent size!
01:00
I'm completely off my ass, and I'm barely down to the label!
01:03
Come on, Hayley! You're goin' to the movies with Jeff anyway.
01:06
Just gimme a ride! - You know the rule.
01:09
[ Sighs ] You're the most environmentally conscious...
01:11
self-actualized feminist in the world.
01:14
And? - And... I'm a douche bag.
01:17
Bye, Dad. We're goin' to see the new Michael Moore documentary.
01:20
Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden!
01:24
America is the greatest country in the world!
01:26
Nay, the universe! If that whiny troublemaker doesn't like it...
01:31
he can pack up his admittedly pithy baseball caps and take a slow Prius to Canada!
01:35
Hayley, I forbid you to see that movie! - [ Tires Screeching ]
01:38
Damn! She took my gold card.
01:40
And my lucky condom from 10th grade!
01:43
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
01:45
There's my clever little shopper.
01:47
Oh, this four-liter jug— screamin'!
01:50
Francine, good news. I'm in charge of planning Bullock's party...
01:53
which means you're in charge of planning Bullock's party.
01:56
It's on Saturday night. - You planned a party for Saturday?
01:59
That's opening night of my play! - Play? What play?
02:02
I'm in the Langley Players production of Beauty and the Beast.
02:05
I play the teapot. It's kind of an important role.
02:08
The teapot is everything!
02:10
Without Mrs. Potts, the Beast would have killed himself years ago!
02:13
I'm sorry. This story is rather personal to me.
02:16
For who could ever love... a beast?
02:19
Francine, this is the first I'm hearing of any play.
02:22
No, Stan. It isn't.
02:23
I aced the play audition!
02:26
Play rehearsals are going well.
02:28
We got the playbills today at the playhouse of the play I'm in!
02:32
"Mama, there's a girl in the castle."
02:34
[In British Accent ] "Now, Chip, I won't have you makin' up such wild stories."
02:37
Uh, I'd hit the you, not the wild. It's better.
02:40
Mmm. Doesn't ring a bell. - Well, too bad. I'm doing the play.
02:44
It's important to me. - And this party is important to me.
02:47
I forbid you to do that play! - You forbid me? Ha!
02:52
Hey! I "forbidded" you!
02:56
[ Michael Moore's Voice ] i'm visiting Sarah Swanson...
02:58
whose husband would still be alive today...
03:01
if her H.M.O. had approved a medically vital operation.
03:07
Hey, that's Angelina Jolie! I thought this was a documentary.
03:11
-[ Crying ] - [ Moore's Voice-over ] Even though I was a journalist...
03:14
I knew I had to comfort her.
03:17
[ Both Moaning ]
03:21
I don't believe it! Michael Moore has sold out?
03:24
Jeff, that's a corn dog! We're vegetarian! - Still?
03:28
God! Is there no integrity left in America?
03:31
Come on, Steve. We're leaving.
03:33
Two more buttons! Two more buttons!
03:36
Usher! There's a little kid, alone, in an R-rated movie! - Aah!
03:40
Oh, no. I'm about to lose my... coverage.
03:50
Francine, hurry up! We'll be late for my boss's party!
03:53
What the—
03:55
Shut the trunk. I'm sneaking into the drive-in.
03:58
Francine, you've gotten so fat!
04:00
Stan! This is my costume for the play!
04:03
Our performance is tonight. - Play? What play?
04:06
This is the first I'm hearing of any play. Go get ready for the party.
04:09
Look, Stan. I don't have to do whatever you say.
04:12
Marriage is an equal partnership!
04:15
[ Door Slams ] - One of these days, Francine! One of these days!
04:19
Right in the kisser!
04:24
[ Chattering ]
04:30
Hey, Agent Smith. Jay Leno. Your boss ready to be roasted?
04:34
Oh, I guess so. I was hoping my wife would show up before you went on.
04:37
Ooh! Wife not here to support you? Guess we know who wears the pants in your fam—
04:42
[ Snaps, Thud ]
04:46
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up, funny man.
04:50
Wake up. Wake up, damn you! -[ Snap ]
04:53
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry.
04:56
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Jay Leno has come down with a broken neck...
04:59
so i'll be doing the roast.
05:01
Luckily, I have his hilarious jokes.
05:05
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
05:08
Okay, moving on. Uh, funny insult comedy—
05:11
Uh, so you know how Bullock prides himself on knowing everything?
05:15
Well, he didn't know his mother had cancer until it was too late to operate.
05:18
[ Gasps ] -[ Laughs ]
05:21
Ah, what else? Oh, we all Know Bullock's wife is a hostage in Fallujah, right?
05:26
Well, that hasn't stopped him with the ladies. Especially the big 'uns.
05:29
Oh, yeah! He's an Asian chubby chaser.
05:32
[ Chuckles, With Asian Accent ] Oh, him so horny!
05:36
[ Slowly ] So horny!
05:42
Damn it! If Francine had been here, she could have started a wave of laughter.
05:46
Laughter is infectious, like smallpox or gay.
05:49
She wants to be equal partners? Well, I say, "No way!"
05:52
I don't want a partner I want a wife
05:57
someone who's happy taking care of my life
06:02
Where's my Edith Bunker
06:05
Laura Petrie Wilma Flintstone
06:08
would never let Archie go to a party alone.
06:17
I want to go back to a simpler time
06:21
When men were men and women had no say
06:26
Content to love honor and obey ♪ -[ Yells ]
06:29
I want to be greeted with a massage and a martini
06:33
The way master was by his Jeannie I
06:39
don't buy this independence and doing your own thing
06:43
I want a woman to make me feel like a king
06:48
this ship is sinking and I'm swimming for my life
06:54
I don't want a partner. Damn it!
06:58
I want a wife
07:11
Oh, did I just sing my way in here?
07:13
Yes. Please, just take what you want and leave!
07:16
Are we gonna die, Mommy? - Yes, Brandy.
07:21
-I'm not going to fire you, Smith. - Oh, really?
07:23
No. I'm going to promote you.
07:27
It will require you and your family to relocate.
07:30
Relocate?
07:44
Wait a minute! This isn't a promotion!
07:54
All right, everyone stay calm.
07:56
We may be in Saudi Arabia, but that doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.
07:59
Just stay close, so we don't leave ourselves open to an ambush.
08:01
Dad, that is so ignorant.
08:03
Hey, these people are extremists. That's not ignorance. That's fact.
08:07
Quick! Cover your mouths! That's how they enter your body to lay their eggs.
08:13
Bullock can't hold a grudge forever.
08:15
I'll call him every hour until he gives me my old job back.
08:18
I think this is an opportunity to really breathe in a culture that's so different from—
08:22
[Explosion ] - Roll 'em up.
08:25
How come all the women are dressed like ninjas? - They're wearing abayas.
08:28
Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures.
08:31
The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
08:33
It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why couldn't we go there?
08:35
Talk about a bunch of dogs.
08:37
Oh, good, a Shwarma King. I'm starving. Pull over, Stan.
08:41
Are you insane? We're not stopping for their food!
08:44
Next, you'll want to use their bathrooms.
08:46
I'll be damned if I'm going to use their sandpapery toilet scrolls...
08:48
on my proud American button!
08:50
Come on! We're hungry! Pull over.
08:52
God, you women are driving me crazy.
08:54
I guess what I want doesn't matter.
08:57
If they have Mr. Pibb, get me a medium!
09:02
Uh, Director Bullock, Stan Smith.
09:04
Calling to apologize about the roast again.
09:06
I only said those things because I was dehydrated and exhausted.
09:10
It happens. Just google Martin Lawrence, plus "arrested," plus "jogging."
09:14
Eh, guess you forgot to unpack me in the car.
09:17
Good thing I remembered to drop a deuce in your nylons, huh?
09:21
I need a drink. Where's the booze?
09:23
There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
09:27
Seriously, where's the booze?
09:29
Francine, I have to report to my new assignment.
09:31
Now, I've installed extra locks on the doors and windows.
09:34
So you won't get beheaded while I'm out. - Stan—
09:36
Way ahead of you. I'll find us a satellite so we can watch lost when I get home.
09:39
Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!
09:43
There's no alcohol in the kitchen either.
09:45
I'll look in the closets. You check the pantry.
09:47
Stan, I'm not staying inside all day.
09:49
I'm taking the kids to meet our neighbors. When you get home, we'll all go see the palace.
09:53
Fine. We'll do it your way... again.
09:56
Oh, my God! I am freaking out! I am totally freaking out!
10:03
Yes. Mr. Smith, the C.I.A. told us you'd be coming.
10:06
Your assignment is to protect this oil pipeline.
10:09
Here are the guards you will be supervising.
10:11
This is Ali, Khalid and Fazziz.
10:15
Are you okay? - I'm fine! And quick! Like a cat!
10:18
A cat that could kill you.
10:21
[ Yowling ]
10:27
[ Hisses ]
10:29
[Knocks ]
10:31
Hello, neighbor.
10:33
Hayley, you should meet my eldest son, Mamood.
10:36
He's educated, well-traveled. - He sounds great.
10:40
And this is my son, Rashad.
10:42
Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
10:45
Mom, he's, like, eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore!
10:48
My childhood died on july 18, 2003...
10:51
the day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
10:55
Steve— - Why was he even in Colorado in the first place?
10:58
Black men don't go to Colorado.
11:00
Do you want to play guns? - Guns?
11:02
Look, Beave, I stopped playing guns when I— Holy crap!
11:06
Where'd you get all this stuff?
11:08
In the bazaar. You can find anything there.
11:10
Can I get bootleg DVDs, like the new Michael Moore documentary?
11:13
Sure. They have everything. Want to play rebuild Iraq?
11:16
-[ Both] I'm Halliburton! -I called it! I'm Halliburton!
11:19
[ Laughing ]
11:21
My husband can not remember to put the toilet seat down!
11:24
Better than leaving toenail clippings in the sink!
11:27
My Stan is just as bad.
11:29
I guess no matter where you go in the world, marriage is always the same.
11:34
Oh, look! Husband is home!
11:36
How was your day? - Would you like a snack?
11:38
Let me draw you a bath.
11:40
Oh. Huh.
11:47
[ Whistles ] Sweet shot!
11:50
Land mine! Ten points!
11:52
Wow! That looks like a game we play back in America called golf.
11:59
Tell us about America, Stan.
12:01
Have you ever floated to heaven on angel wings?
12:04
Tasted a cinnamon bun fresh from the oven?
12:06
Licked hot chocolate from Santa's beard? That's what America's like.
12:10
Not like here, with the sand and the heat.
12:12
Good Lord! How do you stand the sand and the heat?
12:15
That is why we wear robes. It keeps us cool in hot temperatures.
12:18
Really? I thought it was because your God doesn't believe in pants!
12:23
[All Laugh ] - Stan, what a funny guy!
12:26
Thanks. You know, I once stood in for Leno.
12:28
I don't understand. If you love America so much, why are you here?
12:32
It's a long story. I asked my wife to help me plan this party for my boss...
12:36
and she said no, so— - What do you mean?
12:38
You asked her, and she said no? You mean, you told her, and she obeyed.
12:41
Uh, no. See, she had this play, and, uh--
12:44
Stan, the rules are different here for more than just golf.
12:47
Allow me to explain.
12:51
Here in Saudi Arabia
12:55
[ Gunshot ] - No singing!
12:57
Cheese and rice! Who are those guys?
12:59
They are the police of vice and virtue.
13:02
They make sure everyone follows our country's strict moral code.
13:05
Public singing is illegal in Saudi Arabia.
13:08
This was his third offense. Too bad. He had a lovely voice.
13:12
Wow! It's like the Footloose town times a million!
13:16
You think that's something? Wait till you hear the rules about women.
13:24
Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [ Gulps ]
13:29
Mmm. Tastes like I might die.
13:31
Hello, assorted family members. - Wow! Someone's in a better mood.
13:35
I sure am! I was thinking about how you said we should immerse ourselves in the culture.
13:39
-I couldn't agree more. - Great.
13:41
Let's talk in the car. I wanna see the palace before sunset.
13:43
Baby, slow your roll.
13:45
I learned something interesting today. Did you know— Hayley, you'll appreciate this too.
13:49
Do you know women can't leave the home unless accompanied by a man?
13:53
What are you talking about? We all left the house earlier.
13:56
Right. And Steve was with you. In this culture, he's considered a man.
14:00
-I am? - You sure are!
14:02
Also, there's no cursing, dancing, singing, no bars, no movie theaters.
14:06
Oh, and women can't drive or ride bicycles.
14:08
And here's the best rule. The man has final say on everything.
14:13
So, no, Francine. We're not going to see the palace.
14:16
We're going to do whatever I want, and there's nothing you can do about it.
14:19
This is ridiculous! If you don't want to go out, I'll go by myself.
14:23
Francine, I forbid it!
14:25
Yeah? Well, too bad.
14:28
[Knocking ]
14:30
This belong to you?
14:32
Thanks. Just, uh-- Just put her anywhere.
14:39
Morning, honey. - Stan, I've had it. I wanna go home!
14:43
Has Bullock called back yet? - Oh, not yet. I'll keep trying.
14:46
Oh, I invited the fellas over for a feast after work...
14:48
So I figured you could whip something up.
14:51
Or as they say in this country—
14:53
Forget it! You may keep me locked up in this house, but I control what I do in it.
14:58
Or as they say in my country— [ Snaps Twice ]
15:02
Fine, I'll cook it myself
15:05
Now, how do I do this without getting hair everywhere?
15:08
Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes.
15:12
You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar.
15:15
[ Sighs ] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men.
15:19
And? - And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance...
15:22
at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity sex with you once.
15:26
Oh, yeah.
15:28
[ Chattering ]
15:30
Thanks for bringing me with. There's booze here somewhere. I just know it.
15:34
Oh, dead cow. - Oh, there he is!
15:36
Mamoed?
15:37
Hayley, you are even more beautiful than I imagined.
15:44
[ Gasps ] Who are you? I - am Mrs. Smith.
15:47
Uh, no. I'm Mrs. Smith.
15:50
Ladies, ladies, you're both Mrs. Smith.
15:53
Stan, what on earth? - Surprise! I got us a second wife!
15:57
You know, to help with cooking and cleaning.
15:59
Her name's impossible to pronounce, so I just call her Thundercat.
16:02
What? You got a second wife?
16:05
I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next.
16:09
Look, Francine, it's just the way things are done here.
16:12
Think of her as a full-time housekeeper we don't have to pay...
16:14
or give our out-of-style clothing to.
16:20
Oh, I love Burger King! Don't you?
16:22
Actually, I was thinking more falafel.
16:24
It makes me feel close to America, the greatest culture in the world!
16:30
I spent a semester at A.S.U. in 1995!
16:32
They ranked us the number two party school behind Chico State.
16:36
But we partied so much harder!
16:39
Hey, is Hootie still en fuego?
16:41
Whatever happened with Ross and Rachel?
16:43
That Jennifer Aniston! "Schwing!" Yes?
16:47
I have to go to the bathroom.
16:49
Ooh, Hayley, going to the bathroom.
16:52
The Haylenator sitting on the toilet.
16:56
You. woman! Where is your man?
16:58
Oh, uh, he's—
17:02
Gin is close. My "Tanqueraydar" is going crazy.
17:05
Not to mention my "petronar." Get it? Like sonar.
17:09
Steve, this is me sober!
17:13
Awesome!
17:16
Oh, no. Forty-five foreign money.
17:19
That's really expensive... or a great deal. I should've ordered Mom to gimme some cash.
17:23
Come on, Steve. Baby needs his bottle. Come on, come on, come on.
17:27
Shut up! God, you're annoying.
17:29
How much for the woman? - Woman?
17:32
Oh, no. That's just Rog— Sold!
17:34
[ Yelps ]
17:36
I don't know where you're taking me, but God help you if there's no schnapps.
17:40
Whoa! What do I buy first?
17:44
♪ [ Rock]
17:51
[Steve]
17:54
Your adorable goat was delicious. I couldn't eat another bite.
17:59
It's all courtesy of Thundercat. - Pretty good.
18:02
Yun-a-dum-dum.
18:03
It is privilege to serve you all.
18:05
I hope you saved room for—
18:07
[ Unpronounceable Word ]
18:13
with caramel sauce.
18:15
For you, as thanks for inviting us into your lovely home.
18:18
You knuckleheads What'd you do?
18:20
Fazziz, was this you? Wow.
18:23
A man dress. It's beautiful!
18:26
In case your God decides to ban pants, huh? -[ Laughing ]
18:32
Back off, Thundercat. - Sorry?
18:34
Don't play innocent with me. Stan's just gone a little native, that's all.
18:39
But he's still my husband, and only my husband.
18:42
I love husband. I will serve him in this life and next...
18:46
as number one wife.
18:48
You can forget it! As soon as Stan talks to his boss...
18:51
we're going back to America without you!
18:54
See that? That's a wedding ring. I'm Stan's only real wife.
18:59
Husband give me ring too. And it has inscription. - Where?
19:05
You wanna dance, bitch? Let's dance.
19:11
[ Ululating ]
19:13
Ooh, catfight! Take her top off Rip it right off Kiss her!
19:18
[ Grunts ]
19:22
[ Groaning ]
19:29
[ Groans ]
19:34
Great. - It's fantastic!
19:36
The color really brings out your eyes. - [Cell Phone Rings ]
19:39
As-salaam alaikum.
19:41
Director Bullock, I'm surprised to hear from you.
19:44
Yes. Well, my sources tell me I may have overreacted to your speech.
19:48
Your assertion was correct. I like big Asian butts, and I cannot lie.
19:52
Therefore, I've decided to give you your old job back.
19:55
[ Laughing ]
19:57
I don't know, sir. I... kind of like it here.
19:59
Like it? Are you mad? What about your family?
20:03
They can't possibly be enjoying it out there!
20:05
My family?
20:08
I'm about to lose my... coverage.
20:11
Aah! -[ Horn Honks ]
20:20
Help! Where are you taking me?
20:24
I appreciate your culture! - Silence, whore!
20:30
My family loves it here.
20:33
Think carefully about what you're doing, Smith.
20:35
If you turn me down now, you're finished!
20:38
You can never come back to the C.I.A:!
20:43
Fine! I don't want to come back to the C.I.A. Or the U.S.A!
20:49
I officially renounce our American citizenship.
20:53
The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever! - [ Beeps ]
21:01
This is my country now.
21:03
I am... Stan of Arabia!
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
