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I've been in here for 23 years, and you know what I did?
S02E06 Stan of Arabia: Part 2
10:10 – 10:14
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Let me tell you about the Saudi legal system.
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I stole a candy bar. - I don't believe you.
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00:04
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:08
[Roger] Previously on American Dad.
00:10
I forbid you to do that play! - You forbid me? Ha!
00:14
I'm not going to fire you, Smith. I'm going to promote you.
00:18
It will require you and your family to relocate.
00:21
[Stan] Wait a minute!
00:24
This isn't a promotion. - Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
00:27
You think that's something?
00:29
Wait till you hear the rules about women.
00:31
Surprise! I got us a second wife.
00:34
How much for the woman? - Woman?
00:37
Oh, no, that's just Rog— Sold.
00:42
famaman!
00:45
I've decided to give you your old job back.
00:47
Sir, I kind of like it here. - What about your family?
00:52
I officially renounce our American citizenship.
00:56
The Smiths are staying in Saudi Arabia forever!
01:02
Francine, Thundercat, there's no need to fight over me.
01:06
I love you both equally. - What?
01:08
Francine, we live in Saudi Arabia now, and in Saudi Arabia...
01:12
Daddy makes the decisions, Mommy makes a sandwich.
01:15
Mommy makes a sandwich.
01:18
You've lost it, Stan.
01:20
Has your boss called to offer you your job back yet?
01:22
Nope, he didn't call me an hour ago.
01:24
Or maybe it wasn't more like an hour and a half ago.
01:28
Mmm! Delicious sandwich, Number One.
01:32
I'm sorry. She's in the lead now.
01:34
She got 50 points for making the sandwich. Oh, yeah, there's points.
01:38
Get back here, whore! - It's okay.
01:41
I respect your right to chase me.
01:43
Aah! Son of a bitch!
01:46
My face! Damn it! Aah!
01:50
-[ Gulps ] - Oh, there you are.
01:53
Hey, you Know a woman can't be out in public unescorted by a man.
01:57
You know this harlot? - She is my sister.
01:59
Right, Sis? - Uh, yeah.
02:02
[Man ] All units to the northeast corner of the casbah!
02:04
220 in progress! - 220? Someone just spotted a woman's ankles.
02:07
Let's move.
02:09
You should be more careful around the police of vice and virtue.
02:12
Do you want to get stoned?
02:14
Yes! Oh, my God! It's been, like, forever.
02:17
You would like to be buried up to your neck...
02:19
and have a crowd of angry men throw rocks at your head?
02:22
Oh. No. - Normally, I wouldn't come to the aid of an American.
02:26
Your country's foreign policy is despicable...
02:28
your culture is crude, and your gluttony and greed make me sick.
02:33
You are so hot.
02:39
Whoa. That thing came out of nowhere.
02:43
[Starter Firing ]
02:45
[ Sighs ] I'm stranded in the middle of a desert...
02:48
with no food, no water, but at least...
02:50
I finally get to see Angelina Jolie's sweet...
02:54
supple—
03:02
I'm gonna kill Steve. Selling me to some stranger.
03:06
And he didn't even haggle. By the way...
03:08
these baskets go for, like, 80 bucks at Pier One.
03:10
I bet you paid, what, like 50 cents? Be honest.
03:13
Silence! You were not purchased for your opinions.
03:16
You were purchased to be a wife. - Wife?
03:19
Look, bub, I'm not marrying you!
03:21
Of course you're not marrying me. You're marrying him.
03:35
Well, a girl can't hold out forever.
03:39
The Iraq war was a travesty.
03:41
Exactly. It's like the whole unilateral preemption thing is—
03:45
[ Together ] An insupportable doctrine with inevitable negative...
03:48
repercussions on the geopolitical stage!
03:52
Hey, you want to get dinner? - Ooh, now is not good.
03:56
I have a meeting. I'm in this secret group called Al-Qae—
04:00
"Al-qae-holics" Anonymous?
04:02
Hayley, promise me you won't go near the American embassy.
04:06
The embassy? Oh, my God, you're a—
04:08
Oh, Kazim, no! Look, I hate America's policies too...
04:11
but there are other ways. - Oh, Hayley...
04:14
perhaps if I had met such an incredible Western girl years ago.
04:17
But it's not too late! You can't— - No. I must.
04:19
It is written. - Nothing is written.
04:31
It's so good to have Stan working with us on the pipeline...
04:34
and not for the— yuck— United States.
04:36
Imperialist swine. - They want to enslave all Arabs.
04:40
You know damn well that America does not want to enslave all Arabs.
04:44
Just the ones who have oil.
04:48
Am I right, fellas? Yeah. Americans. Ha!
04:51
Bunch of douche bags. Praise Allah.
04:56
-[ Ringing ] - Bullock here.
04:58
Deputy Director Bullock, will you please offer Stan his job back?
05:02
Francine, what a surprise.
05:04
I already offered Stan his job back. He said no.
05:08
[ Screams ]
05:11
Your family may have moved to Saudi Arabia...
05:13
but I'm the real fish out of water.
05:17
Seriously, I'm dying.
05:22
Okay. I'm cool.
05:25
Whatever life throws at me, I can take it...
05:28
because I am a strong, independent black woman.
05:31
I mean, white teenager. Oh, God! I'm gonna die out here!
05:38
Lord, please send me some water or food or—
05:42
[Thunder Rumbling ]
05:50
Or Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie's fine.
05:55
Your beverage, Princess.
05:58
Thank you, Zacharias.
06:01
Oh, Zacharias, this is a Tom Collins.
06:04
Whatever you did this time, write it down because you nailed it.
06:07
You freakin' nailed it.
06:10
There's my desert flower.
06:14
Uh, what ya doin'?
06:16
Preparing to consort with my newest and loveliest concubine.
06:21
Consort? Consort!
06:22
Whoa! Whoa. Nuh-uh! Now, I-I don't know what you've heard...
06:25
about American girls, but we don't go hopping...
06:27
into bed with some guy we only just met!
06:29
Oh, Hayley, that was so wonderful.
06:34
But now I'm so confused.
06:36
It's like I'm not sure who I am anymore.
06:39
Why, because of that thing I did with my finger?
06:42
Look, we tried something weird, and you liked it.
06:44
That's doesn't make— Oh, you're talking about the terrorism thing.
06:48
Oh, oh, you know what else I hate about America?
06:51
New Mexico. Like we need another one of those.
06:54
[Francine ] Stan Smith!
06:56
Deputy Director Bullock offered you your job back...
06:58
and you turned him down?
07:00
You lied to me, Stan! - You're right.
07:03
And it was a mistake to lie. You know why?
07:05
Because I didn't have to. Because I'm the man, and what I say goes.
07:08
And I say Saudi Arabia's the greatest country in the world.
07:12
Greatest country in the world?
07:14
We packed our bags We hopped a plane
07:17
We left our happy home ♪
07:19
Uh, Francine, singing's kind of illegal here.
07:21
The culture seemed a bit insane
07:24
But you said Hey, when in Rome
07:27
Seriously, Francine, ix-nay on the inging—
07:29
Maybe you've got no reason to complain
07:34
But I've got no "Y" chromosome
07:40
So, here's what I don't like about Saudi Arabia.
07:44
You can't go out unless you are escorted by a man
07:48
And when you do you come home with a butt crack full of sand
07:51
No alcohol, no rum and Cokes and no Dom Perignon
07:55
At least a girl can have a smoke
07:57
But not on Ramadan! - ♪ Oh, it's a land of joy if you
08:02
Are a boy
08:05
But if you are a girl
08:09
it's the worst place in the world
08:11
Okay, Francine, we get it.
08:13
Oh, but I'm just getting started.
08:15
American girls we do Pilates
08:17
starve ourselves until we're hotties
08:19
♪ Why Because we like our bodies
08:21
Check me out you uptight Saudis
08:25
Oh, it's so awfully grand
08:28
Come on, Francine stop singing if you - [Are a man
08:31
I'm only backup singing
08:33
if you don't take me home soon, Stan
08:36
I think I'm gonna hurl
08:39
it's the worst place in the world
08:42
I started this point system, and she's way behind.
08:45
I only want to see the world explore and socialize
08:49
But in this town I can't so much as look at other guys
08:52
Cause if! I did they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress
08:56
I bet my last riyal you fellas won't approve of this
08:59
Who wants a kiss?
09:08
It's great if you're from Mars
09:10
But not if you're from Venus
09:13
if you want to drive a car
09:15
You'd better have a penis
09:18
So if you've got a vagina
09:20
Ooh! A vulva
09:21
Yeee! - A clitoris
09:22
What is a clitoris? - ♪ And a labia
09:27
You see where I'm going with this.
09:29
Stay the hell away from
09:32
Saudi Arabia
09:39
Whore!
09:53
Singing in public, dancing in public, indecent exposure.
09:57
Stan, you need to go to the U.S. embassy and get help.
10:01
Oh, sure, one little snag and we go running back to the imperialist pig dogs.
10:04
Will you have a little faith in the Saudi legal system?
10:07
Let me tell you about the Saudi legal system.
10:10
I've been in here for 23 years, and you know what I did?
10:14
I stole a candy bar. - I don't believe you.
10:17
My hand to God.
10:19
So i'm going to head over to the embassy. - Yeah, good idea.
10:25
Listen, honey, this isn't a good time.
10:27
I-- I'm riding the cotton camel right now. Know what I mean?
10:30
You need not be embarrassed, my little hyacinth.
10:34
[ Funk ] - Wow, this is so not how I pictured my first time.
10:39
Now I know how Brenda Walsh felt on prom night.
10:42
What is this you speak of?
10:44
You know, Shannen Doherty on 90210,
10:47
goes to the prom with brooding rebel Dylan McKay...
10:49
grapples with a decision to lose her virginity?
10:51
Your story intrigues me.
10:53
Tell me of this glorious epic.
10:55
Glorious epic?
10:57
Wow, you just made Aaron Spelling's year.
11:00
Okay, okay. I'll tell you the tale, but it could take a while.
11:04
And when you are done, we will make the beast with two backs?
11:07
I can't believe you have to pay for wives. You're such a charmer.
11:11
Anyway, once upon a time there was a magical place...
11:14
where Beemers glistened in the parking lot...
11:17
and all the teenagers were white and in their 30s.
11:21
Wow, Angelina Jolie!
11:23
I have so many questions to ask you.
11:25
Is that whole thing about you sleeping with knives in the bed true?
11:28
I'm not Angelina Jolie, Steve. I'm God.
11:31
I simply chose the form most pleasing to you.
11:33
Oh, you're God.
11:35
So is that thing about Angelina Jolie sleeping with Knives in the bed true?
11:38
Yeah. It's messed up, isn't it?
11:40
I'm glad you showed up. I guess I sort of got carried away...
11:43
with this whole "being a man" thing, huh?
11:46
You know, Steve, you'll be all grown up before you know it.
11:49
So in the meantime, why not enjoy being a kid a little longer?
11:52
Because it doesn't last forever.
11:55
Hey, can I see your boobs? - What?
11:57
Come on, baby. I-- I mean, God.
12:00
All right. But be warned—
12:03
a single glance at the rack of infinite wisdom...
12:07
could drive a man to madness.
12:09
Oh, now I Have to see them.
12:12
Awesome.
12:20
[ Screams ]
12:28
Now I know how a kebab feels.
12:30
[ Gasps ]
12:32
[ Kazim's Voice ] My darling, Hayley, you have moved me beyond words...
12:35
but I must now fulfill my destiny.
12:37
Farewell forever, Kazim.
12:39
PS. Stay away from the U.S. embassy.
12:42
The embassy!
12:50
Move! Out of my way!
13:13
Oh, no! No!
13:18
Shwarma King! Get your shwarma!
13:21
Kazim? - Hayley, I—
13:22
I thought we talked about you not coming to the embassy.
13:25
You work at Shwarma King?
13:26
[ Laughing ] Let me guess.
13:28
He tricked you into thinking he was a terrorist so you'd have sex with him.
13:32
He does that with all the American girls.
13:34
Shwarma?
13:36
May I help you? - Yes, my wife's in jail.
13:38
You see, she— -I don't need to hear it. She's an American.
13:41
We'll have her out in time for dinner. I'll just need your passport.
13:44
Yeah, passport. Uh, funny story.
13:47
-[ Laughs ] Let me guess. Monkey stole it? - No.
13:50
Monkey ate it? - No. Why do you think there's a monkey?
13:52
You said it was a funny story. I just assumed it involved nature's clown.
13:56
No, I renounced our citizenship and burned our passports.
13:59
Well, that's not funny. That's not funny at all.
14:02
Your wife's in real trouble, man.
14:07
-[ Laughs ] - [ Object Shatters ]
14:09
Monkey!
14:11
And I knew the show was dead when they started...
14:13
giving the guy from the Peach Pit his own stories.
14:15
Like I care if Nat couldn't read. Click.
14:19
Delightful. What a riveting tale!
14:21
Okay, time for sex. - Uh, uh, hey...
14:23
if you like that story—
14:25
No, no, y-you wouldn't wanna hear about it.
14:27
Hear about what? - Oh, another enchanted place...
14:30
just to the east of Beverly Hills.
14:32
A place called Melrose.
14:58
People of Saudi Arabia, I have gone into the wilderness...
15:01
and I have spoken with God.
15:04
In the beginning, my children, light was separated from darkness—
15:08
And so, by dividing up the disputed territories thusly...
15:11
Israelis and Palestinians can finally coexist in peace.
15:17
He's right. That would work. - Peace in the Middle East.
15:20
All praise Steve Smith!
15:22
Whoa, whoa, fellas. Don't praise me. Praise God.
15:25
She's the one who came up with all this stuff. - [Gasping ]
15:29
I'm-- I'm sorry. Did you say "she"?
15:31
Yeah, God's a woman. - Oh, I think I see what happened.
15:35
You thought it was a woman, but really God was a guy in drag.
15:38
No, no. This was definitely a woman. She had boobs and everything.
15:41
Oh, so God's a man, but he has fake boobs...
15:45
'cause that's just how he rolls, right?
15:47
No, guys, this was a woman. You're missing the point.
15:50
We need to ride to Jerusalem and—
15:52
I've got it! I Know what it is!
15:55
God was born with two sets of genitals, and the doctors—
15:59
No! Look, God is a woman!
16:01
God... is... a... woman. Geez!
16:06
Well, now we gotta kill him. - Too bad. He had some good ideas.
16:13
And then she climbed up onto our camel...
16:16
and... danced. - [All Gasp ]
16:19
Don't panic. I got you the best lawyer in Saudi Arabia.
16:22
I'm sorry, counselor. What did you say your name is?
16:26
Irv Rosenblatt. - Guilty!
16:28
Every single case!
16:30
Oy, this is a tough town.
16:32
Please, Your Honor. I won't last in prison.
16:35
Well, then, this is your lucky day.
16:38
I sentence you to...
16:40
death by stoning!
16:46
Stan, don't let them stone me!
16:49
Your Honor, this is all my fault.
16:51
If anyone should be stoned, it's me. - Sorry.
16:54
Stone me with her. I'm an American.
16:57
And in America, marriage is an equal partnership.
16:59
So if she dies, I die with her.
17:02
Stan, that's very noble, but I'm doing this alone, and that's final.
17:06
Francine, I forbid it.
17:10
While I'm sure that's a meaningful callback to an earlier conversation...
17:14
I must point out that you're a man...
17:16
and you have broken no laws.
17:18
So what does a guy have to do to get stoned around here?
17:21
We're not big on homosexuality.
17:23
[ Sighs ]
17:25
I'm gay. Stone me. - I don't know. It didn't seem like you were really into it.
17:32
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
17:37
Stone him.
17:39
[Man] This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
17:41
Shwarma King and Clear Channel present...
17:44
Stone Mayhem '05!
17:46
Where the crowd gets loud and the infidels get rocked.
17:49
Admission covers the entire seat, but you'll only need the edge!
17:53
Don't worry, Francine. Steve's out there somewhere.
17:56
The Smith name shall live on.
17:58
Sorry, Dad. I had an epiphany in the desert...
18:00
I became a prophet, and then my disciples betrayed me...
18:03
when I said God's a woman. -[ Laughs ]
18:05
Teenagers. Anyway, the Smith name could still live on.
18:08
Hayley's a filthy liberal. She'll probably hyphenate.
18:11
Yeah, I'm here too. I put a shwarma guy in a coma.
18:14
Well, I guess this is it. I'll see most of you in heaven.
18:17
Hayley, it's been a crazy ride.
18:19
[Man On PA. ] Attention, stone-throwers. Two minutes till the stoning.
18:24
We could sure use a miracle right about now.
18:34
-[ All] President Bush! - Howdy, Saudis.
18:37
Democracy has arrived.
18:39
[ Cheering ]
18:41
♪ [ Rock]
18:49
♪ [ Ends]
18:52
Looks like I got here just in time.
18:55
Hey, it's snowing.
18:57
[ "Auld Lang Syne" ] - Look, Mr. President.
18:59
Teacher says every time a bell rings...
19:01
an oppressive autocracy gets freedom. - That's right.
19:04
That's right. Attaboy, Clarence.
19:07
Days of auld lang syne,,*
19:10
[ Humming ]
19:13
[Francine ] Wake up! - What, what, what?
19:15
Damn! Oh, God, we're all going to die...
19:17
and our lives meant nothing, absolutely nothing!
19:21
I-- I mean, uh, something comforting.
19:23
Stone-throwers ready?
19:26
oe [ Drumrolt ]
19:36
[Cell Phone Ringing ]
19:39
That's me. Sorry. Hang on. Yello.
19:41
Oh, hello, sir. -[ Man, Indistinct ]
19:44
What? But they're infidels.
19:46
Fine. Great. Rock blocked. You're free to go.
19:50
[Cheering ] - [ Crowd Jeering ]
19:52
Ow! - It's over, Thundercat.
19:54
Whore.
19:59
I can't believe it. - What do you think happened?
20:03
Okay, beast with two backs. Now.
20:07
Oh, that's what all the fuss is about?
20:10
Oh, yeah, okay. No problem.
20:18
Gee, Dad, less than 24 hours ago, you hated America.
20:21
[ Laughs ] Shut the hell up, Hayley.
20:23
But you know, I will admit, America's got its flaws.
20:26
Really, Dad? Like what? - Intro
20:28
Well, there's
20:30
Free speech and there's gun control and lousy Democrats
20:33
the media's too liberal and everyone's too fat
20:36
the women have careers and form opinions of their own
20:40
We let our wives control our lives ♪ - ♪ Damn, it's good to be home
20:43
Our life's not always great
20:47
In These United States ♪
20:50
But remember boys and girls
20:55
it's not the worst place
20:58
in the world
21:02
it's not the worst place in the world, yeah, yeah
21:05
Oh, and, uh, what happens in Saudi Arabia...
21:08
stays in Saudi Arabia.
21:10
Okay? Seriously.
21:46
Bye-bye. See you soon.
