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Stop! We can't torture anyone!
S05E07 Phantom of the Telethon
03:21 – 03:23
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Oh, no. I'm on the phone. Yeah, I'm still here, Mom.
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What's he talking about? We always torture. - We can't afford it.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:35
[Man Announcing ] Live from CIA. headquarters in beautiful Langley, Virginia...
00:38
it's the first ever C.I.A. Telethon!
00:41
With your host Agent Stan Smith!
00:45
Thank you! Good evening, everybody!
00:47
How about a hand for our band? Midget Assassin and the This Doesn't Concern You Orchestra!
00:52
[Audience Applauding ]
00:53
Man, that is some sport coat! - Oh, you like it?
00:57
No, it's great. I just didn't realize your latest assignment was to kill fashion.
01:01
[Rim Shot ] - [Audience Laughing ]
01:03
Folks, it's an honor for me to be working in this studio.
01:05
This is the very soundstage where we faked the moon landing.
01:09
And the jfk assassination.
01:12
No, I'm sorry. This is where we planned the JFK assassination.
01:15
[ Laughing ]
01:19
So a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for Central Intelligence Agency.
01:24
Not true, folks. Fact is, CIA. actually stands for...
01:27
Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia.
01:32
-[ Murmurings ] - That's not what we wrote!
01:35
We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.
01:38
Balls! - [ Chuckles ]
01:41
Maybe we're working too hard.
01:43
Uh, anyway, you're in for quite a show over the next 12 hours, so give generously.
01:48
Let's kick things off with our very own Langley Falls anchor partners Greg and Terry...
01:52
reenacting the volleyball scene from their favorite movie, top Gun.
01:56
[Applause ]
01:59
[ Rock ]
02:01
[Man] » Movin' in slow motion,'
02:04
it feels so good,'
02:07
It's a strange anticipation
02:10
♪ Knock, knock knockin' on wood
02:15
♪ Funny but it's always the same
02:19
Playing Playing with the boys."
02:22
Francine, you must be so proud of your husband.
02:25
This whole telethon was his idea.
02:27
[ Giggles ] I Know! I'm sure it's gonna be a huge success.
02:31
Godlike? I don't know if I'd go that far.
02:34
Now, I need a moment with my writers.
02:37
What the hell was that genitals joke? - That's not what we wrote.
02:40
You were supposed to say, "CIA. stands for Central Insanity Agency."
02:45
[ Chuckles ] That's good. That's good. But that's not what was on the teleprompter!
02:49
Well, someone must have messed with it.
02:51
I'm gonna go double-check the copy for the "Taliban, Taliban, Tally Me Banana" sketch.
02:55
You really think someone messed with the teleprompter?
02:57
I mean, who would want to sabotage the telethon?
03:00
Sabotage? Oh, no!
03:06
Did you hear? We just captured a new terrorist! Time to torture!
03:10
Oh, yeah! - Yea! I get to strap him to the waterboard!
03:13
I call the car battery! - I want to slather him in oil and make love to him all night long!
03:18
Oh, no. I'm on the phone. Yeah, I'm still here, Mom.
03:21
Stop! We can't torture anyone!
03:24
What's he talking about? We always torture. - We can't afford it.
03:26
I was just on Capitol Hill. The Democrats have completely cut our torture budget.
03:30
[All Gasp ] - They're using the money to teach inner-city kids...
03:34
to read. [ Sobbing ]
03:37
[ Chattering ]
03:39
[ Screams ]
03:41
We'll just have to raise a million dollars and fund the torture program ourselves.
03:45
Luckily, I have a plan.
03:47
We have the biggest keg party this town's ever seen.
03:50
We charge five— no, seven dollars a cup. Girls drink free.
03:55
Uh, sir, I don't think that's gonna work.
03:57
I don't hear you suggesting how to get girls to our party.
04:03
How hard can it be to come up with a million dollars?
04:06
What if! I invent something?
04:08
Paper clips, paper clips—
04:11
Piper claps— Popper clops! Clops that pop your cloppers!
04:16
I think torture is barbaric and inhumane!
04:18
I can't believe you're actually trying to save it!
04:20
Why not? You tried to save Veronica Mars.
04:23
We get it. Girl detectives are bitchier than regular detectives.
04:26
Fart! Not into it.
04:28
You know what show I tried to save? The Ghost Whisperer.
04:31
It's still on. - Really?
04:34
That's it! I've got the idea! Dark bulbs!
04:37
You know, for when it's too bright out.
04:39
[ All Laughing ]
04:41
What? It's a great idea!
04:43
Stan, it's okay. So you're not an idea guy.
04:47
Yes, I am! Remember when I invented that machine?
04:50
Stan, that wasn't a machine. That was a hat.
04:53
I am an idea man, and I'll prove it to you all.
04:56
I just need to get away from all this negativity so I can concentrate.
05:00
Sweet'N High.
05:03
Wheat Thicks.
05:05
Southern Discomfort. - Good, you're here.
05:08
You can either take your socks off now, or I can knock 'em off for ya.
05:11
What are you talking about? - [ Band Fanfare ]
05:13
Live from C.I.A. headquarters in Langley, Virginia...
05:17
it's the first annual CIA. Telethon!
05:21
[ Imitates Crowd Cheering ]
05:23
A telethon? No one wants to run 26 miles!
05:26
Not a marathon, a telethon!
05:29
It's the perfect way for you to raise the money you need!
05:31
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
05:33
That's what Jerry Lewis said right before he stole my idea. - You knew Jerry Lewis?
05:38
Yeah. Back in the 50s I was his tailor. I shortened his pants. Made him a star.
05:42
One day I said to him, "jer"-- I called him Jer, but not to his face.
05:45
I said, "Jerry, how about you do a long, televised plea for money?"
05:49
Course he did it, and he said it was all his idea. Made me look like a total liar.
05:54
The only one who believed me was Dean Martin. Good old Dino.
05:57
What a sweetheart. Talented, talented greaseball— from Ohio!
06:02
Thanks, Roger. But I don't need your stupid telethon idea.
06:05
I have all night to come up with something.
06:07
Hamburger... Hinderer.
06:13
Guess what, everybody. Bullock loved my telethon idea!
06:17
What? - A telethon? Wow, that is a good idea!
06:20
Way to go, Dad! - Wunderbar!
06:22
-Wait a minute. Your idea? - You should have seen it.
06:25
They were taking away all our torture stuff. Everybody's freaking out.
06:28
And then, like a bolt of lightning, it came to me— telethon!
06:33
I'm so proud of you, honey! How did you ever think of a telethon?
06:37
He didn't! It was my idea! - Yours?
06:40
Yeah. Remember, Stan? We were in the living room, and I said "telethon"!
06:43
Stan, is that true? - Oh, I remember now.
06:47
Thank you! - Yeah. You said "marathon," and that's what got me to telethon.
06:51
Oh, marathon. - That's why Roger got confused.
06:54
Oh! A marathon's a terrible idea.
06:56
No, no, no! The telethon was my idea!
06:59
Stan, tell 'em the truth, or they're gonna think I'm a liar!
07:02
That spaceship sailed a long time ago!
07:04
[ All Laughing ]
07:06
Get it? Because he's an alien! - Or so he claims.
07:09
[All Laughing ] - He's simply not credible, and I am apparently.
07:14
I let Jerry Lewis live. I think we all agree that was a mistake.
07:18
But I'm not gonna be branded a liar again!
07:21
Mark my words. This time, I will be avenged!
07:28
Please call me when dinner is ready!
07:34
Of course. It's Roger!
07:36
He's trying to ruin the telethon because I didn't call him when dinner was ready!
07:40
[ Band Fanfare ]
07:42
[ Phones Ringing ]
07:44
Klaus, did that teleprompter mishap hurt us?
07:46
Well, the donations slowed down a little, but things are starting to pick up again.
07:50
Good. We can still meet our goal. I just have to make sure nothing else goes wrong.
07:55
So anyway, what happened after you slathered him in oil? Did he like that?
07:58
Hey, everyone! Look who just wandered in...
08:00
from their tree house in the Appalachian wilderness.
08:03
It's the amazing Buckle and Sherry! [ Band Fanfare ]
08:08
Honey, I've been meaning to ask you for a... separation!
08:12
Like you could survive five minutes without me!
08:14
What kind of man puts his wife in a box and cuts her up?
08:17
I'm just trying to create a sense of wonder!
08:21
You know what I wonder? Why I didn't listen to my mother!
08:23
"Don't marry a mountain-man magician." That's what she said.
08:26
I joined a synagogue for you! Just do the trick!
08:31
Oh, you want to do a trick? Here's a trick. Put a baby in me!
08:34
Sherry and Buckle! - It's Sharri!
08:37
You know, folks, we're having a lot of fun tonight. But let's remember why we're all here.
08:42
This is a terrorist! - [All Gasp ]
08:45
They call him the Common Garden Snake of Rumallah!
08:49
-[ Man Clears Throat ] - It sounds much scarier in Arabic.
08:53
Snake, do you have information vital to this nation's security?
08:56
I do, Stan, yes, very much.
08:58
And will you share that information with us willingly?
09:01
Willingly? [ Chuckles ] No!
09:03
This is why we need to fund the C.I.A. torture program.
09:07
We have just over nine hours to raise the one million dollars...
09:10
or those repo men will take away our torture equipment forever.
09:14
Operators are standing by.
09:16
And now, black music!
09:18
[ Cheering, Applause ]
09:20
»' [ Disco: Man Singing, Indistinct ]
09:25
I'm so proud of you, Stan. I really underestimated you.
09:29
i'm a man of action. A man of ideas.
09:36
[ Roger's Voice ] "Dear Stan. Admit you're the liar, or my reign of terror will continue.
09:41
"Signed the Phantom of the Telethon— Roger.
09:45
"P.S.: When you give me credit, refer to me as Roger.
09:48
"Thanks. The Phantom—
09:50
Roger."
09:57
So, down the gauntlet has been laid.
10:00
Lain? Laid.
10:03
Delivery for the Phantom of the Telethon.
10:06
Oh, my God! My pipe organ! Yea!
10:09
This is what I'm supposed to play maniacally down in the catacombs?
10:12
Oh! What'd you think you were gettin' for 39.95?
10:15
No, no! This is totally unaccept—
10:17
disco [ Beat ] - Ohh! eat]
10:20
[ Classical ]
10:22
Yeah, I can work with this.
10:25
[ Band Fanfare ]
10:27
[ Cheering ]
10:30
Welcome back to the C.I.A. Telethon.
10:32
Folks, we still have a long way to go to reach our goal, so we need your pledges.
10:36
Smile and look to camera "B."
10:38
You know, sometimes torture doesn't go quite the way you planned. Let's watch.
10:43
[Film Projector Whirring ] - [ Lighthearted ]
10:48
-[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
10:53
-[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
10:56
-[ Groans ] -[ Laughing ] - [Laughter ]
11:00
[ Funk ] - [All Gasp ]
11:03
Cut! Cut! I'm sorry, folks. I have no idea how that tape got in there.
11:07
[ Roger's Keyboard: Disco Classical ]
11:13
Uh, play something! ~ [Jazz Pop]
11:19
What the hell was that?
11:21
Honey, that's what you have to do after a man takes you to a fancy dinner.
11:25
N-No. I mean, why was it shown?
11:27
Well, I-I'll tell you why. Because Roger's still clinging to the fantasy...
11:32
that this telethon was his idea, and now he's trying to ruin it!
11:35
Steve, Hayley, I need you to find him and stop him.
11:38
I better get the security guard. I'm not searching that basement unless I'm accompanied...
11:42
by an armed stranger who failed the psychological test to become a cop.
11:51
Here's the intro for the circus bear, Mr. Smith.
11:54
"Some acts are too hot.
11:56
"Some acts are too cold.
11:58
This act is just right." Oh, like Goldilocks.
12:02
Part of me thinks people will be confused because there's only one bear.
12:06
You're overthinking it!
12:09
irene Grossbard.
12:12
irene Grossbard.
12:15
I really mean it
12:17
irene Grossbard
12:21
Okay. That was Gretchen Grossbard with a tribute to her sister...
12:24
Irene... Grossbard!
12:28
Folks, we gotta do better than this.
12:30
You know, the C.I.A. has captured a lot of bomb makers.
12:33
Well, it's time for you to set off the biggest bomb of all— the one in your hearts.
12:37
[ All] Aww!
12:40
Let's keep the show goin'. Some acts are too hot.
12:43
Some acts are too cold.
12:45
This act is just right.
12:50
Joke killer. He's a joke killer.
12:52
Please welcome Boris the Russian circus bear.
12:56
#o [aunty]
13:04
[Creaking ] -[ Tires Squealing ]
13:07
Something is wrong! - [ Growls ]
13:10
[ Crashing ] - [Crowd Gasps ]
13:12
[ Boris Groans ]
13:14
Itty-bitty brake line is cut.
13:18
[ Keyboard: Disco Classical ]
13:20
All part of the show, folks. Everything's fine. Music, Frodo. Music!
13:23
[ Latin Pop]
13:29
Hayley, what the hell happened?
13:31
We were looking for Roger when somebody hit me on the head. When I woke up, Steve was gone.
13:36
Wait. What would Roger want with Steve?
13:38
Hmm? What the hell?
13:40
Do not fear me, fair maiden.
13:43
Though my outward appearance may repulse thee, I assure you my intentions are most pure.
13:48
What are you doing? - The Phantom welcomes you to his home.
13:51
Sheez, it stinks in here! And why am I in a dress?
13:55
I'll thank you to hold your criticism, my darling.
13:58
Ah, the hell with this! - Steve? Steve, come back here!
14:02
I am trying to do something!
14:04
Ladies and gentlemen, the United States may be the greatest nation in the world.
14:08
But do you know what the second-greatest nation is?
14:10
[I Man ] El Salvador! - No, not Mexico.
14:13
The second greatest nation is donation. Won't you all become citizens?
14:18
Now, let's go to a real good novelty today—
14:21
Jeff Fischer and the Jeff Fischer Hacky Sack Attack!
14:25
One, two, three. Woo-hoo!
14:29
Thank you, Langley!
14:34
What? You want more?
14:38
All right! One, two—
14:43
[Audience Gasps ] - [Roger Cackling ]
14:56
Oh. Really thought we were gearing up for a much more satisfying chase. But this—
15:01
Roger, I'll kill you! -I'm not Roger! I'm the Phantom!
15:05
[ Gasps ] Roger! - Well, yeah. Who did you— What?
15:08
Well, anyway, you'll never stop me!
15:13
There you go again, stealing my idea.
15:16
Well, until you tell the family this telethon was my idea, I've got havoc to wreak!
15:22
Wreck? Wreak. - It ends now!
15:25
Ha! You can't stop the Phantom!
15:28
These riggings and catwalks are my domain! And I am their master!
15:33
[Screaming ]
15:35
[ Groaning ]
15:40
[ Groans ]
15:43
[ Groaning Continues ]
15:47
[ Screaming ]
15:52
All right, all right! I give up! But it doesn't matter!
15:55
I've already destroyed this telethon!
15:59
And untied your bow tie! - No!
16:02
You've given me a relaxed demeanor!
16:05
Oh, my God! Is that a bomb?
16:07
You planted a bomb? - What the hell are you talking about?
16:11
That's enough C-4 to blow up this entire building!
16:13
Disarm it! - Stan, it's not mine.
16:16
All I did was change the teleprompter, cut the bear's brakes...
16:18
release the terrorist, drop a fishing boat on Jeff Fischer—
16:21
Wait. You released the terrorist?
16:23
He's an explosives expert! We'll never be able to disarm it!
16:26
Oh, my God! Stan, I Know exactly what to do.
16:29
Put me down.
16:31
[I Dramatic Sting ]
16:35
Let's try that on the fart setting.
16:37
Farting I ]
16:42
I don't know. It's funnier, but I think it takes out some of the tension.
16:49
How could you release the Snake? He's a master bomb maker!
16:53
Me? [ Chuckles ] I don't know about "master." I make a nice bomb.
16:57
All right, Snake! The jig is up!
16:59
Um, uh—
17:03
Prepare to meet your Mecca!
17:07
Fine. Go ahead and kill me now.
17:09
Once the ticking clock on your tote board counts down to zero...
17:12
this whole building will be blown to smithereens!
17:15
Good God! I've got to evacuate the building!
17:18
Not so fast. I've rigged the exits.
17:20
I've also rigged the elevator shaft, the air ducts...
17:23
the little window in the bathroom—
17:26
I've seen a lot of movies.
17:28
When you're forbidden to drink, dance, or touch yourself, your afternoons are pretty free.
17:32
You can't touch yourself? How do you masturbate?
17:34
Ill give you the code to disarm the bomb.
17:36
But first, you will have to meet my demands.
17:38
-I don't negotiate with terrorists! - Oh, really?
17:41
Have you ever bought a mattress?
17:43
Fine! What are your demands?
17:46
I have something I want you to tell the world.
17:50
Hello. I'm the United States.
17:53
[ Feminine Voice ] And I'm Israel. With you behind me, I can do whatever I want.
17:57
Well, I want you.
17:59
Take me! [ Feminine, Masculine Moaning ]
18:03
No! This is wrong! We both have the same father— Satan!
18:06
Uh! I don't care! [ Moaning Continues ]
18:10
Oh, God! Ohh, God!
18:12
Oh, Judeo-Christian false God! - [Man Coughs ]
18:15
All right. I did your little play, and it was intoxicating.
18:18
If you have anything else I'd be right for, please keep me in mind.
18:21
In the meantime, I need you to disarm the bomb!
18:24
Oh, that? No, no. I was lying. I was never going to disarm the bomb.
18:27
You bastard! - You're mad at him for lying?
18:30
You guys are enemies! Of course he lies to you.
18:33
But you're worse. You stole my idea and lied about it to your own family.
18:37
Oh, my God! You're right!
18:40
Lying is wrong!
18:42
I'd know that if only I'd paid attention to anything that's ever happened to me before.
18:45
It's not too late to tell everyone the truth, Stan.
18:49
Oh, what's the point? We're about to die.
18:51
I don't want "I'm a liar" to be the last thing I say to them.
18:54
It doesn't have to be the last thing.
18:56
What if I save us all? Then will you tell them the truth?
18:59
Roger, you save my family, and I'd be honored to redeem your good name.
19:04
Excuse me. Does this have dairy in it? Because if you want to see a real dirty bomb—
19:09
[ Laughs ] give me something with dairy in it!
19:11
[Roger Groaning ] - No, no, no.
19:14
Let the truth be told! What's the code to disarm the bomb?
19:17
i'll never tell! [ Groaning ]
19:19
[ Show Tune ]
19:23
[ indistinct Shouts ] - [ Clattering ]
19:25
Leapin' lizards!
19:29
This is annoying! Hey! - [ Keyboard: Discordant Notes ]
19:33
Hey! - Wait a minute.
19:35
I think I know how to save us and the C.I.A.
19:38
Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a lot of fun tonight.
19:41
But when that clock runs down, this building will explode.
19:43
[All Gasp ] - Yeah, you should be concerned.
19:46
Because that's the only man who knows the code to disarm the bomb, and he's not talking.
19:50
And he's not talking because we can't torture him!
19:53
Sure, he can be beaten by amateurs, like that oddly proportioned fellow in the cape.
19:57
-[ Groans ] Come on! - [ Group Humming ]
19:59
But we're never gonna get any answers that way.
20:01
We need the money to fund official unofficial C.I.A. torture.
20:05
We're counting on your generosity.
20:07
[ Phones Ringing ] - Stan, it's working! The phones are ringing off the hook!
20:11
[ Dinging ]
20:13
That's it, folks! Give till it hurts...
20:15
- Him! [ Groaning ]
20:18
We have the money! - Quick! Get the equipment.
20:23
Hold this up!
20:25
[ Snake Grunts ] -[ Groans ]
20:27
[ Machinery Whirring, Buzzing ] - [ Snake Screams ]
20:30
The code is 1-2-3-4-pound!
20:36
The bomb is disarmed! - [Cheering ]
20:39
That's what I'm gonna say when I disarm the bomb! - Roger!
20:47
The arm is disbombed! Damn it.
20:50
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
20:56
[ Groans ]
20:58
So, now you can tell Francine and the kids I'm not a liar.
21:01
Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
21:03
Well, that's our show, folks. If you're interested in learning more about torture...
21:06
follow an immigrant into your local police station.
21:09
Good night! [ Groans ]
21:11
[ Keyboard: Discordant Notes ]
21:45
Bye. Have a beautiful time!
