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How to poison a Haitian, and sex.
S05E09 Stan Time
07:36 – 07:38
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I assure you, there are two things I know—
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Hey, what if you change the pool boy to an I.T. guy...
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:37
[Steve] Mom, when's Dad coming home?
00:39
cant make my sugar cube Parthenon without him.
00:41
[Hayley] And I need a ride to the headband store.
00:43
[Steve] Oh, that's important.
00:45
[Francine ] As soon as your father gets home, he'll have time for you both.
00:48
[ Shuddering ]
00:51
[ Exhales ]
00:54
Well, look who's home— Carrying his shoes?
00:57
Almost like he doesn't want anyone to know he's home.
01:00
Roger, please. I just want 20 minutes to myself, that's all.
01:03
You know what a dog would do at a time like this?
01:06
He'd bark excitedly, alerting the family that his master was home.
01:09
Please, Roger, no. - Of course, I suppose if that dog were to get a treat—
01:13
What do you want, Roger? Anything.
01:15
A carton of Virginia Slims, and I want you to make me look like Audrey Hepburn.
01:18
I can give you all the cigarettes you want...
01:20
but I can't make you look like Audrey Hepburn. - [ Growling ]
01:23
[ Barking ]
01:26
[ Together ] Dad's home!
01:28
Dad, I haven't started the Parthenon. It's due tomorrow, and I'm really tired.
01:31
If we don't get on the highway right now, the headband store is gonna be closed.
01:34
[ Groans ]
01:36
Don't forget the Virginia Slims.
01:44
I'm really mad at Dad right now.
01:46
I woke up from my nap, saw he wasn't as far along...
01:48
with the Parthenon as he should be, and I told him so.
01:51
Not now, Steven. I have a meeting in, like, one minute.
01:53
Pretend to be my assistant. And if this guy asks, my name is—
01:56
Freddie Underwood...
01:58
Porn screenwriter extraordinaire.
02:00
Helicopter Perry, the sleaziest porn producer east of Van Nuys.
02:05
Come here, you son of a bitch bastard.
02:08
So, how's the smut business, H.P.?
02:10
The Internet's killin' me, Freddie.
02:12
Every frat boy with a digital camera thinks he's a filmmaker now.
02:15
I've seen what you speak of— Dumpster sluts and the like.
02:18
There's no art in it anymore.
02:20
Freddie, I'm here because you wrote Wetness—
02:23
the greatest porn film I ever made.
02:26
I need you to give me that same magic again.
02:28
I'm writing down a number. I will not accept a penny less.
02:32
A million dollars?
02:34
Actually, if you look closely, it says a million "doll hairs."
02:38
No, it doesn't. - Oh, well, it was— It was supposed to.
02:44
You should get some sleep, Stan. - You'd like that, wouldn't you?
02:47
Right to bed. No time to myself.
02:49
Do you realize I've been trying to read this book for 10 years...
02:51
and I haven't gotten past the first paragraph?
02:53
Tonight that ends.
02:55
[ Thinking ] "Captain First Rank Marko Ramius of the Soviet Navy...
02:59
"was dressed for the Arctic conditions...
03:01
normal to the Northern Fleet submarine base at Polyarny."
03:04
Okay. One sentence down. Already compelling.
03:06
"Five layers of wool and oilskin enclosed him."
03:09
[ Snoring ]
03:11
Stan? Stan, you asleep?
03:15
[ Tarts ]
03:17
Ahh. I've been holding that in since jeopardy.
03:23
What's all that, Dick? - I'm watching every movie ever made—
03:26
Alphabetically by actor's last name.
03:29
I'm on Martin Mull— Underrated actor.
03:32
Could anyone else have played Colonel Mustard in Clue?
03:35
The answer is yes— Christopher Lloyd.
03:37
My point is, Mull gets work, consistently.
03:41
But you have a wife and kids at home.
03:44
How do you have the free time to do anything?
03:48
The boys down at the lab gave me these.
03:50
You take a pill right before bed...
03:52
and you feel like you just slept eight hours.
03:54
So you take these pills and... you never have to sleep?
03:58
Wow. So I can spend days with my family...
04:00
and the nights are all for me.
04:02
What'll the guys at the lab think of next?
04:05
They have tons of cool stuff.
04:07
Check out my rocket zipper.
04:11
Once again we beat the Russians.
04:25
I feel so—
04:27
Not wired, but well-rested.
04:30
Like I had a small coffee around 6:30 at night.
04:32
I'm feeling good.
04:34
[Stan] « This is the song that I wrote at 3:00 a.m.,?
04:38
♪ I taught myself how to play the guitar I
04:41
only know two chords so far,"
04:44
♪ My fingers hurt 'cause I haven't grown calluses
04:46
I wonder how long it takes to grow calluses
04:50
I bet that's something you could learn on the internet
04:53
Tomorrow night I'm gonna learn to use the Internet,'
04:57
[ All Laughing ]
04:59
I'm so glad you're having fun spending time with the kids.
05:02
I'm a dad. That's my job.
05:04
Maybe we can spend some time together later—
05:07
Just you and me. -I don't know, Francine.
05:09
I work all day, I spend time with the kids, and I gotta sleep.
05:12
There's only so many hours in the day. -I guess you're right.
05:15
I'm just being selfish. - Oh, just a little.
05:21
Dick, these pills saved my life. I can't thank you enough.
05:24
My pleasure. Just make sure you never mention the pills to your family.
05:27
They'll definitely want in. - Oh, no way.
05:30
This time is like a gift from the heavens.
05:32
The last thing I want to do is waste it with my kids...
05:34
or God forbid, Francine.
05:37
Hey, Dick, do those pills make you hallucinate your wife?
05:40
Damn. Do they let you go back in time and change the past?
05:43
Damn. Do they make you fly?
05:46
Really? But only once? All right, I'll save it for Halloween.
05:49
I'm going as a turkey.
05:51
Yes, they do. Yes, they do. Yes, they do.
05:54
Well, then I'm gonna have to change my costume.
05:56
Bad news about Halloween, Francine.
06:02
You've been taking pills every night so you don't have to sleep?
06:06
How long has this been going on?
06:08
I don't know. Six, seven weeks. Hard to tell.
06:10
It's all been like one long day to me.
06:12
What are you doing at night that's making you so happy?
06:15
Tons of stuff. Like this flip book— Over 30 drawings.
06:18
That's you... falling and then hitting the ground...
06:22
and then your parachute opens.
06:24
In the next book you become bionic.
06:26
This is what you're doing instead of spending time with your wife?
06:30
We can't spend this time together anyway, because you're asleep.
06:32
Not if] I] take those pills too. - What?
06:35
Yeah. Then we can both be awake and spend time together.
06:40
[ Gasps ] We can watch Ken Burns's jazz.
06:43
No. And let me tell you why.
06:47
You see, there's Stan time, and there's family time.
06:49
You are part of the family.
06:51
I do this. I do this. Now it's a pizza— That you can have.
06:57
Fine. Then I'll take the pills and do my own stuff.
07:00
I'll leave you alone. I promise.
07:03
Okay. I'll give you the pills.
07:06
But after 11:00 p.m. we go our separate ways.
07:09
Can we sometimes meet for a snack?
07:11
I enjoy a solitary barbecue Lean Pocket at dawn.
07:14
It's become a ritual. You're presence would disrupt that.
07:21
-I think he likes it. - This is terrible!
07:24
It's completely dated.
07:26
Pool boys and pizza guys nailin' lonely housewives?
07:29
Maybe I need to find somebody else, Freddie.
07:31
Maybe you don't know sex anymore.
07:33
I assure you, there are two things I know—
07:36
How to poison a Haitian, and sex.
07:38
Hey, what if you change the pool boy to an I.T. guy...
07:41
who makes his appointments on his P.D.A.— Ooh.
07:43
Sorry about my girl, H.P. She's on her period. - I love it!
07:47
It's now, it's modern. It's exactly what this script needs.
07:51
Freddie, I want you to write with this kid.
07:53
Oh. Oh, no. No way. - Hey!
07:55
It's settled. You're a team.
07:57
Let me tell you something, Freddie.
07:59
Collaboration is an important thing—
08:01
not just in writing, but in life.
08:04
Remember, behind every blade of grass...
08:08
there is a voice whispering, "Grow."
08:13
How high are you right now, H.P.? - I'm up there.
08:16
[ Video Game Sounds ]
08:18
What ya doing, Mr. Awake At 3:00 A.M.? - Playing Beetman.
08:23
You're a tough, no-nonsense beet trying to survive Farmer Gary's evil garden.
08:27
[ Laughs ] Cause I was thinkin'-—
08:30
Maybe my Francine time could visit your Stan time...
08:34
and together they'd have a little Stan-fran--
08:37
Klaus, I've got no interests.
08:41
I thought I liked reading, but then when I remembered what that was...
08:44
I realized, "Oh, God, no. I hate that."
08:46
Francine, I'm right in the middle of a Green Bag demonstration.
08:49
Oh, those beautiful strawberries are four months old.
08:52
Oh, sorry, Klaus. You go ahead and watch your show.
08:56
I'll just watch you.
08:58
Hey, that's something I've always liked doing—
09:00
Watching you swim.
09:02
And I did love going to the aquarium with my dad when I was a girl.
09:06
Maybe one of my interests is remembering.
09:09
Maybe your interest... is fish.
09:12
[ Gasps ] And, Klaus, you are a fish.
09:15
This is something we could do together.
09:17
Francine, I enjoy a solitary corn dog at 3:00 a.m.
09:20
Your presence would disrupt that. - That's it!
09:22
I'm gonna study fish who aren't complete assholes.
09:25
[ Video Game Sounds ]
09:27
[ Grunting, Laughing ]
09:29
[ Game Sounds Continue ]
09:32
[ Orchestra: Waltz ]
09:47
Yeah! - [ Continues ]
09:52
[ Grunting ]
09:58
Continues ]
10:09
"Ocean Digest"? What the hell is this?
10:11
Oh, it came! I've been published.
10:14
"How Modern Geophysical Currents Have Affected the Migration Patterns...
10:18
"of the Elusive and Highly Sought-After Colossal Squid...
10:21
by Francine Smith." - Is that the title of the article?
10:24
'Cause it's long.
10:26
Stan, don't you get it? I think I found the colossal squid.
10:30
All the world's oceanographers have been looking for this squid...
10:34
and I figured out that they were looking in the wrong ocean.
10:37
This is how you choose to spend your extra time?
10:39
Well, how have you been spending yours?
10:41
By completing the Beetman video game.
10:44
I also earned an invitation to the Beetman...
10:47
Regional Championships in Washington.
10:49
This is a confirmation that they received your $300 entrance fee.
10:53
Regionals ♪ - Oh, Stan, I just remembered—
10:57
I have to take a call with the head...
10:59
of the French Institute for Nautical Exploration.
11:01
But it's daytime. You're talking about nighttime stuff.
11:04
Sorry. This is the only time they could do it.
11:07
Well, then that works out great...
11:09
'cause I need to start playing Beetman during the day.
11:11
Gotta be able to work it with the glare on the tube...
11:13
because that's gonna be thrown at me.
11:15
Oh, you don't even know, Francine. You don't even know.
11:20
This is even worse than the first draft.
11:23
You said you wanted it more modern.
11:25
Yeah. Modern as in now, today.
11:27
This is set in the year 3020 on the planet Labia.
11:30
It's pronounced "La-bee-a," and it's not a planet.
11:32
It's a moon. - None of this is real.
11:36
What about when the orgy rocket refuels in the space station?
11:39
There was no sex for 62 pages.
11:42
Well, no one's gonna be invested in a monthlong intergalactic orgy...
11:45
if the ship's got insufficient fuel cells.
11:47
You wanna talk reality? Let's talk reality!
11:50
Let me be clear.
11:52
I want something that could actually happen today...
11:55
in real life.
11:57
You got one last chance, or you're fired.
12:02
Okay, we gotta brainstorm. Uh, boy meets girl.
12:05
Boing meets girl.
12:08
Boing eats—
12:10
Pass. Go to the next one. Wait. What are we doing?
12:16
Oh, Stan, you're home.
12:18
I'd like you to meet Philippe Monday...
12:20
famed French oceanographer— from France.
12:23
[ With French Accent ] Mr. Francine!
12:25
It is a pleasure to meet the husband of Francine.
12:28
Philippe read my article in Ocean Digest magazine...
12:31
and wants to take me on an expedition to Antarctica to find the colossal squid.
12:35
Expedition? For how long? - Only three months.
12:39
Although, if we find the squid, we will take Francine on a worldwide lecture tour.
12:43
[Speaks French, Laughs ] -[ Laughs ]
12:46
Philippe— [ Speaking French ]
12:51
You speak French now too? - [Speaking French ]
12:54
Oh, Philippe, I have to show you my maps.
12:56
I will love your maps!
12:59
Mr. Francine, I know this is upsetting...
13:01
but understand that I am a homosexual, yes?
13:04
You understand homosexual? Yes?
13:08
So you will be losing your wife not physically, but perhaps emotionally.
13:17
That guy is a douche, yes?
13:20
You understand douche? Yes?
13:27
You can't leave your family for months just to look for some big squid.
13:31
It's a colossal squid.
13:33
It's the largest cephalopod on earth.
13:35
And I spoke to the kids. They support me.
13:38
Of course they support you. They're motherless idiots.
13:40
Francine, you'll miss the Beetman competition.
13:43
You'll do fine without me, Stan.
13:45
You know, in a way, this is exactly what you wanted.
13:49
It's Stan time all the time.
13:53
Fine. Good. Now I don't have any distractions.
13:56
Just 24 hours of uninterrupted Beetman action.
13:59
Just gonna "beet it" till my hands fall off.
14:04
We can write a porno, right?
14:06
We can totally do this. H.P.'s a dunce.
14:09
Sure, he has a good eye for casting black men...
14:11
but what does he know about story? Bupkes.
14:13
Okay, porn scenario— Think, Steve. Think.
14:16
It's not just gonna fall into our laps.
14:18
How's it goin', guys? - Where's my sandwich?
14:20
Coming right up. I just wanted to introduce you to my friend Sandy.
14:24
She's new here. Completely inexperienced, but eager to learn.
14:28
You might say I'm a virgin at this. - [ Both Giggling ]
14:33
I didn't order your life story. I ordered a tuna melt.
14:35
Why is it so hot in here? - Oh, my God. We're so sorry, guys.
14:38
The air conditioning broke. We'll fix it right away.
14:41
If there's anything else you need— anything— just call us.
14:46
And I mean anything.
14:48
What's wrong with you? You get a dollar every time you say the word "anything"?
14:57
[ Both Giggling ]
14:59
I got it. Steve, start typing.
15:01
Exterior. Costa Mesa. Day.
15:06
Need a hand with that?
15:08
Who are you? My husband's away on business.
15:11
I'm the pool boy slash pizza guy.
15:14
I'm here to... check your pH balance.
15:17
And deliver the sausage you ordered.
15:21
[Steve] What the hell!
15:24
That's the crap H.P. hated.
15:26
It's not modern or real.
15:28
Were you even listening? I was the pool boy and the pizza guy.
15:32
If demonstrating that the working poor need two jobs just to make ends meet...
15:36
isn't modern or real, then I don't Know what the hell is.
15:39
[ Video Game Sounds ]
15:45
So many soil coins.
15:47
Dad, you gotta eat. - I have Pirate Booty.
15:52
What is it? I gotta practice. Championship's tonight.
15:54
I got another e-mail from Mom. The expedition's going well. She said—
15:57
Did she say there's a nuclear rabbit on her expedition?
15:59
Because I just froze four. Oh! Oh! No, one just thawed out.
16:02
Oh. Oh, no. No, no. Oh! Got him.
16:08
-[ Video Game Sounds ] - You're goin' down, Trung.
16:10
You forgot to aerate your soil.
16:13
[ Game Noises Continue ]
16:18
[ Onlookers Laughing ] - Yeah!
16:20
Trung, you've got two options—
16:22
You can hang your head in shame...
16:24
or you can shake my hand and buy me a slice, like a man.
16:29
Coward.
16:31
And the winner of the Eastern Regional Beetman Tournament—
16:35
Stan Smith. - [Woman ] Bernie, hurry up!
16:38
We have to pick your brother up at karate.
16:40
Okay, Mom! I hate her.
16:43
Geez, take it easy, kid. - Bernie!
16:48
Mmm. Mmm. - See, that's why you lost, Trung--
16:50
Your lady. You probably didn't train enough...
16:52
because you were spending too much time with her—
16:54
Having dinner. Watching TV.
16:58
Picking out her shoes for a cocktail party.
17:08
[ Whirring ]
17:12
[ Whimpering ]
17:13
[ Both Groaning ] - What is it? What is it?
17:16
-[ Moans ] - Don't stop. A little more.
17:18
[ Moans ] Almost there.
17:20
[ Air Conditioner Starts ] - [ Both Sigh]
17:22
Right in my face. - Great. Now it's gonna be freezing in here.
17:26
[Echoing] Freezing in here—
17:28
Steve, come on. We're goin' to the diner to write porn.
17:30
I was just gettin' my sweater, in case it gets chilly.
17:33
A sweater? What are you, an old lady?
17:39
[Air Conditioner Humming ] - Better to have it and not need it...
17:42
than to need it and not have it.
17:46
Oh, my God. I'm gonna get you.
17:48
[ Both Giggling ]
17:50
Oh, I can't believe you. - Yeah, how's that taste?
17:53
Oh, that tastes good. - Uh-huh.
17:55
[ Gasps ] It's so obvious.
17:58
Interior. Chimdale Spa.
18:03
I shouldn't have had that second glass of champagne.
18:07
I'm feeling vulnerable.
18:09
Good, 'cause I've been dying to kiss you all night.
18:12
[ Electrical Crackling ]
18:18
[ Whirring, Humming ]
18:20
[Roger] You gotta be kidding me.
18:22
H.P. said no more sci-fi stuff.
18:25
[ Barking ] - When will you people realize...
18:27
that robots are erotic?
18:30
I don't know. Maybe this business has changed too much.
18:33
Did you know I read that they bleach buttholes now, Steven?
18:36
[Women Giggling ] - Are they trying to say God chose the wrong color?
18:38
[ Exhales ] Maybe we don't know anything about sex.
18:42
Maybe we should just stick to writing something we do know.
18:46
A light, romantic comedy. - Set in turn-of-the-century England.
18:50
Exterior. Manor house.
18:52
As the pizza delivery man emerges from his carriage and rings the doorbell—
18:56
The robot butler answers the door.
18:58
Love it. Still waiting on that tuna melt, sweetheart.
19:01
[ Monotone ] My memory chip does not register ordering a pizza.
19:04
Prank sensor activated.
19:07
That's dialogue. You just pitched dialogue.
19:12
Francine, what do you see?
19:14
I see coral. Some plant life.
19:18
But I don't see the colossal squid. Wait a second.
19:25
The colossal squid.
19:38
Stan, don't turn around. Just swim away.
19:42
[ Screaming ]
19:47
Stan, you just killed the colossal squid.
19:50
No, I don't think so. That one was tiny.
19:52
I passed, like, five others on the way over here that were way bigger.
19:55
If anything, I killed a baby. - Stan, what are you doing here?
19:58
I came to tell you that I was wrong.
20:01
I know I said I wanted time alone...
20:03
but now I realize I just want time with you.
20:06
Things have changed, Stan. - They don't have to.
20:09
I threw away the pills, Francine. I wanna go back to our old life—
20:13
Being with you during the day...
20:15
and sleeping with you at night.
20:18
[ Philippe On Headphones ] Hello? Francine?
20:20
Yes, Philippe? - There you are.
20:22
You switched channels on me, you absurd madame.
20:25
So. Did you find the squid?
20:27
Remember, when you do find it, we will tour the world
20:31
Your life will change forever.
20:38
I'm sorry, Philippe. I didn't find the squid.
20:41
I was wrong.
20:45
[ All Groaning ]
20:47
Fabian, my brother...
20:49
we have wasted the money from the sale of your bicycle company.
20:52
You are ruined.
20:57
Life, eh?
20:59
Honey, turn your C.B. to channel nine.
21:02
[Man] « Do you remember when we met,
21:07
[ Screaming ]
21:09
Oh. It's just the baby.
21:12
It's the already-dead baby.
21:45
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
