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P.S., I'm the second lead, and I'm starving.
S05E10 Family Affair
01:01 – 01:03
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and the second lead is 30 pounds overweight.
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A calzone for Kirk Douglas here.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:34
Yeah, I killed my college roommate.
00:36
I can't believe you didn't know that. I stabbed her.
00:39
Oh, sorry I'm late, gang. Play rehearsal went long.
00:42
We just found out Raisin in the Sun...
00:44
has an all-black cast, so we're sort of scrambling.
00:46
I had to swing by Home Depot for a bag of charcoal.
00:49
Oh, I'm sure it'll be great. - Yeah. When can we see it?
00:52
Oh, no. No. You will not be attending this abortion.
00:56
Ugh. The director's an idiot, the lead can barely speak English...
00:59
and the second lead is 30 pounds overweight.
01:01
P.S., I'm the second lead, and I'm starving.
01:03
A calzone for Kirk Douglas here.
01:05
Now I have an announcement— New cell phones.
01:08
Yea. - Yea. - Heads up, spaceman.
01:11
I get a phone? You're putting me on your family plan?
01:15
Roger, what Dad's trying to say is that you're a Smith.
01:18
We couldn't start a new family plan without you. - Steve's right.
01:21
Steve also needs to learn how to keep his trap shut...
01:24
and let me finish my own moment.
01:26
You've defiled my moment, Son— Right in front of my wife.
01:29
Sorry, Dad. I'm just really happy for Roger.
01:31
Wow, that's sweet of you to say, Scotty.
01:33
"Scotty"? - Aaah. That's my nickname for you.
01:37
I chose it cause Scotty is your favorite Star Trek character.
01:40
What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the enterprise running.
01:51
The snack cakes are ready.
01:53
Family game night can start. - Prepare yourselves, people.
01:56
The concert of the century is upon us.
02:00
Behold! Fabulous Thunderbirds, bitches.
02:05
I remember the Thunderbirds. Didn't Stevie Ray Vaughan play with them for a while?
02:09
Better. Stevie Ray Vaughan's older brother Jimmie.
02:12
[ Laughs ] You guys are so stoked.
02:15
But we never said we wanted to see—
02:17
Look. I got us killer seats— Dead center in the loge. Only 17.50 each.
02:22
17.50 per person? - I know. Can you believe it?.
02:25
I'm not charging you the Ticketmaster fee.
02:27
I'm eating that— Along with a big, fat pot brownie.
02:31
I am gonna freak the hell out, man.
02:33
[ Laughs ] Yeah!
02:36
Full moon tonight.
02:38
Oh, Roger, there you are. You're late for family game night.
02:40
Oh, sorry, guys. I have to miss game night. - What?
02:44
Yeah. The director called a last-second dress rehearsal.
02:46
Can't you skip it? - I wish.
02:49
The production's a mess, and it opens tomorrow.
02:51
Guess my practical joke of sneaking in and trashing the stage last night...
02:54
didn't really bond the cast like I was hoping it would.
02:57
Be home at 10:00. And good-bye.
03:00
[ Door Shuts ] - Let's go see Roger's play tomorrow.
03:03
I know he said not to, but we should support him as a member of the family.
03:07
Yeah, we'll surprise him. - Yes. I'm in agreement.
03:09
Hands, please.
03:12
Dear Lord, please bless these dice and my little wheelbarrow.
03:16
And please, Lord, give me the strength...
03:18
to resist the temptation to buy the railroads.
03:20
Amen. Okay, let's do this.
03:23
Five. One, two, three, four—
03:25
Reading Railroad. I'll buy it.
03:30
All right, here's the theater.
03:32
Remember. We're gonna sit in the back so we don't make Roger nervous.
03:36
Oh, I hope there's male nudity.
03:38
See a package— a stranger's package—
03:41
Mom! The theater's closed
03:44
Excuse me, sir. Is there some kind of play going on tonight?
03:47
Not likely. This building's been closed almost two years now.
03:51
Really? How come you're still sweeping up then?
03:53
I love to sweep. It's my passion.
03:56
Simple to learn. Impossible to master.
03:59
Just like making love. - Okay.
04:03
Would you like me to tell you how a broom's like a phallus?
04:05
Maybe next time. - It'll only take a second.
04:08
They have the same basic shape.
04:11
Don't leave me!
04:17
That's so bizarre. -I know.
04:19
Why would Roger lie to us about being in a play?
04:22
Cell Phone Answer Tone ] - Hey, that's Roger's cell phone.
04:25
It's a text message from someone named Christie.
04:28
She says she's running late, and she'll be at Pizza Overlord in 30 minutes.
04:32
Wait. Roger's not in a play.
04:35
He's got a girlfriend.
04:37
Why wouldn't he just tell us? - Maybe he's embarrassed of her.
04:40
Oh, God. She's probably hideous. - I bet she's huge.
04:43
Well, even if she is, Roger doesn't need to hide her from us.
04:46
We should go to Pizza Overlord...
04:49
and introduce ourselves to Roger's new girlfriend.
04:51
What a great idea. - Sure, why not?
04:53
Anyone else kind of hoping she's a midget?
04:56
Well, now that you put the image in my head, yes.
04:59
But not the Verne Troyer kind.
05:01
That's too "midgety."
05:04
Now, remember, Roger's part of the family...
05:06
so if his girlfriend is a midget, we shouldn't make fun of her to her face.
05:10
We'll go to the bathroom in pairs and laugh it out in there.
05:13
Let's partner up. Me and Hayley versus you two.
05:15
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
05:17
Um, Roger's not seeing a girl behind our back.
05:21
[All Laughing ] - He's seeing another family.
05:25
Oh, I love doing breadstick walrus for you, Scotty.
05:28
You and I— We get each other.
05:30
[ Gasps ] He's cheating on us.
05:32
Family photo.
05:35
In three, two—
05:49
I can't believe Roger is seeing another family behind our back.
05:53
Why would he do that? I mean, are we not enough for him?
05:56
Obviously not. I feel so stupid.
05:59
My woman's intuition picked up on this five days ago...
06:02
and I mistook it for ghosts.
06:04
That son of a bitch! "Scotty's your nickname.
06:07
He's your favorite Star Trek character." Yaaah!
06:12
Stan, you didn't say one single word on the way home.
06:15
Doesn't this bother you? - Bother me? Why would it bother me?
06:18
I'm just flipping through the mail, acting super regular.
06:21
He called me by the other boy's name!
06:24
[ Screams ]
06:28
[ Door Opens ] - Who wants pizza?
06:31
I wish you guys hadn't left the restaurant so fast.
06:34
I wanted to introduce you to the actors from my play. That's who I was sitting with.
06:38
Actors? Then why were you taking a family photo with them?
06:41
Oh, that? A family of actors, Hayley. Family of actors.
06:45
Have you never heard of the Barrymores, the Baldwins...
06:47
the Olsens, the Fondas, the Estevez-slash-Sheens, the Gabors, the Redgraves...
06:51
the Beatty-maclaines, the Arquettes? - Roger!
06:53
The Quaids, the Batemans, the Culkins, the Cusacks, the Afflecks?
06:56
Roger. - The Wayans, the Douglases, the Bridges...
06:59
the Dillons, the Zimbalists—
07:03
Okay, I cheated on you.
07:05
You broke my heart. [ Grunts ]
07:07
[ Screams ]
07:09
Steve, that was your grand-mama's.
07:11
Steve, I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
07:14
Look, those people you saw me with—
07:16
I met them a couple of weeks ago...
07:18
at a street fair in Little Eritrea.
07:20
I was buying the jersey of my favorite Eritrean soccer player—
07:24
[ No Audible Dialogue ] - Debesai Ghierghis Ogbazghi— when a family approached me.
07:27
Mr. Johnson explained that Ogbazghi was also his son's favorite player.
07:31
We then traded a few hilarious stories about Eritrean soccer.
07:35
They asked me if I wanted to hang out some time...
07:37
and I stupidly said yes.
07:39
Hah! Geez.
07:42
Oh, man!
07:44
I'm sorry. I was an idiot, okay?
07:46
It was a moment of weakness, and it'll never happen again.
07:49
Can you forgive me? - Roger, I think we need some time.
07:52
Yes. Yes, of course. I understand.
07:57
Without you. - Yes, of course.
08:02
I'm sorry, but you've hurt us, and we can't see you right now.
08:06
Aaah! Ow, my foot.
08:09
I'm bleeding.
08:11
It stopped. Hi.
08:21
Oh, hey, that reminds me. I'm gonna need my breakfast to go.
08:24
Just "wrap it up. I'll take it." - What?
08:29
"Wrap it up. I'll take it."
08:31
The Fabulous Thunderbirds.
08:33
It's one of their two mind-blowing hits. - Oh.
08:36
"Oh," is right, baby.
08:38
B.T.W., I haven't gotten ticket money from any of you, wh-which is cool.
08:41
I Know you're good for it.
08:43
I just wanted to use it to buy some brats to tailgate.
08:45
I'm not charging you for that either. That's my pleasure.
08:48
I only have one question though.
08:50
"Are you tough enough?"
08:53
Is that another song?
08:56
Ha! This guy gets it.
08:58
Look what I found. Another gift from Roger.
09:00
Oh. A heart-shaped box of chocolates.
09:03
That'll fit right where my heart used to be!
09:05
I wonder if he's still outside.
09:10
[Spoon Clatters ]
09:14
Go back to your whore family.
09:21
Come on. Let's go to another room.
09:32
Anybody seen that billboard for the local news?
09:34
I'm supposed to believe that this town's best reporters...
09:36
happen to be from five different races?
09:39
Roger? How did you get in? We changed the locks.
09:42
Oh, this morning I followed you into the market...
09:44
and when you weren't looking, I took your keys and replaced them with yogurt.
09:47
Yogurt? How the hell—
09:49
I guess we all figured you'd be with Scotty. How is he, by the way?
09:53
Has he been worrying about whether having boners at night means he's gay?
09:56
Because I have. - I haven't seen him, Steve.
09:58
And now I'd like to read selections from my letter of apology.
10:02
"Dear family. I'm deeply sorry. Blah, blah, blah.
10:05
I've had no further contact with the Johnsons, blah."
10:07
Oh, here's a part I think will get you.
10:09
[ Clears Throat ] "Without you, I'm a butterfly...
10:13
who can't find the breeze to carry it."
10:15
God, I thought that was too much...
10:17
but now that I hear it, it's just right.
10:19
[Groaning ]
10:24
I can't hold it in anymore.
10:26
[ Groans ] I miss this.
10:29
What are you talking about? - This. Him.
10:32
The nonexistent letters. There's nothing written on this.
10:34
That's all off the top of his head.
10:36
I miss this silly son of a bitch.
10:38
Me too. -I know.
10:40
Let's forgive him. Let's forgive him, and let's forget.
10:43
God, I'm gonna hug him. - Oh, Stan, I've missed you too.
10:48
Move aside.
10:55
Don't ever hurt me again.
10:57
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪ Dance break.
11:02
Please stick to the rivers and the lakes
11:04
that you're used to Hey.
11:07
Hey, Roger, we're heading out to dinner. Want to come?
11:09
Where we grubbin'? - We're going to the food court at the mall.
11:12
Oh, the mall? No, no. I can't go dressed like this.
11:16
Please. Look how Hayley's dressed.
11:19
And that hair. - Mom!
11:21
Well, I'm not happy with your appearance.
11:29
Well, that was a delicious mall lobster.
11:31
Tony?
11:34
I'm gonna go to the Tommy Bahama store and chill.
11:38
Hey, Tony! - Roger, that man is talking to you.
11:42
Huh? I don't think so. - Tony, it's me, Norman.
11:45
Yeah, he's definitely talking to you.
11:47
Why would you say that? - Tony. Tony!
11:49
I'm sorry. Do I know you?
11:51
Very funny, T. We just ate with him here an hour ago.
11:54
I can't believe you're eating again.
11:56
He's obviously crazy. - Tony?
11:59
He's acting like he doesn't know us. - I need to get out.
12:01
[ Together ] Tony!
12:03
There are others. - What?
12:06
You said that family at the pizza place was the only one.
12:08
How many other families are there?
12:10
I could ask you the same question.
12:12
It wouldn't make any sense, but I could do it.
12:17
I told you I didn't want to go to the mall.
12:20
I can't believe I let you back in. I feel so stupid.
12:23
I-I-I feel like one of those women who marries a rapist.
12:27
Steve? - You're dead to me.
12:29
You can't have both. It's either us or them.
12:32
[ Groans ] Don't make me choose. I'm horrible at choosing.
12:35
Choose. - No, don't make me.
12:37
You must. - No! No! Them.
12:40
[All Gasp ] - Huh. I'm better at choosing than I thought.
12:47
You're choosing those other families over us?
12:50
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not a one-family alien.
12:52
I need variety. It doesn't mean I don't like you.
12:55
It just means— Well, you can't eat chicken for every meal, you know?
12:59
It's nothing against you, and it's nothing against chicken.
13:02
How good is chicken though? Let's talk about that.
13:04
Over rice? Are you kidding me?
13:06
Then I guess this is good-bye, Roger.
13:10
I'll need your phone back. -[ Groans ]
13:15
Which one is yours?
13:17
Oh, you think you're the first family that's put me on its plan?
13:20
I got phones from the Millers, the Yangs, the DuBonnets—
13:24
Ah, yes— The DuBonnets.
13:26
[Imitates Phone Ringing ]
13:28
It's ringing. [ Imitates Phone ]
13:31
[ Gasps ] Bonjour, Monsieur DuBonnet.
13:33
[ Speaking French ]
13:42
Stop that! - I'll send for my things.
13:46
Four Guatemalans will be here Thursday morning...
13:48
at 7:00 with boxes and packing tape.
13:50
Under no circumstances are you to feed them or tip them.
13:53
If the job is done well, they will each be rewarded with a large fries.
13:57
[Door Slams ]
14:05
Haven't heard from Roger in days. - Who cares?
14:08
What bums me out is that you traded Saint James for Marvin Gardens.
14:11
Look— Steve has the whole corner now.
14:13
If I role a four through a seven, I have to give that asshole all my money.
14:16
Ah, good. You're all here together. Now again, about the tickets—
14:19
Just so you know, I've got people on the Craigslist...
14:22
who are willing to pay over face.
14:24
Maybe you should just sell them.
14:26
You know what? That wasn't cool of me to pressure you.
14:29
You take your time.
14:31
And if you've never been to a concert with me...
14:34
you are in for a treat.
14:36
I yell constantly.
14:39
[ Phone Ringing ]
14:43
-[ Ringing ] - Hello?
14:46
Yes. Oh, my God.
14:48
Oh! Sorry. The calendar was a month off.
14:51
I thought it was my father's birthday again.
14:54
Now, who is this, and why are you calling? Oh, my God!
15:00
[Crowd Laughing, Chattering ]
15:02
[ Groaning ]
15:05
You were his emergency contact.
15:07
We didn't know what else to do. - What happened to him?
15:09
Well, take a look at this security video.
15:11
He arrives with this family at 9:00 a.m.
15:15
Churros, elephant ears— The whole nine yards.
15:17
By 11:00 a.m. he was in line for the Flume,
15:20
which he rode 16 times, all with different families.
15:23
Two hours later, he's Puss in Boots with yet another family...
15:26
eating a caramel apple, watching an animatronic bear play the fiddle.
15:30
As the day progressed, he was with nine more families in nine more outfits—
15:34
the rights to which I doubt he owns—
15:36
until we found him like this— gurgling...
15:39
slumped over a teacup, and urinating on a pinwheel.
15:42
I went on a family bender.
15:44
I have a problem.
15:46
[ Moans ]
15:50
[ Sobs ] Help me.
15:58
You're here for me— after all I've put you through.
16:02
You're good, simple people.
16:04
You're an addict, Roger...
16:06
but luckily, we found someone who can help.
16:09
Remember where you got your retainer?
16:11
Upstairs from there is a psychologist.
16:13
And what's upstairs from there?
16:15
-I think an S.A.T. preparation class. - All right. I'll go.
16:20
Everyone, this is Roger. Yea. He'll be joining us.
16:24
Roger, why don't you tell everyone...
16:26
what your expectations are for group therapy?
16:28
Okay. First of all, I don't believe in any of this therapy nonsense.
16:32
[ Gasps ] The Logans.
16:35
Oh, my God, the Logans.
16:36
They were the first family I ever lived with...
16:38
and then they abandoned me years ago...
16:40
and I haven't been able to trust anybody ever since.
16:42
Thank you, Doctor. You are a miracle worker.
16:47
You see that, people? That's how you share.
16:50
That's a freakin' breakthrough.
16:52
You make me sick.
16:57
Oh, my God, there it is— The Logan house.
17:01
I haven't been back here for 17 years...
17:04
ever since we took that family road trip to Montana.
17:06
When we stopped for gas, everybody had a chore.
17:09
Mine was to get Doritos. Cool Ranch had just come out.
17:12
it was— [Sighs ] What a summer.
17:16
[ Tires Screeching ]
17:18
But when I [ got back to the pumps, they were gone. Ahhh!
17:24
Okay. This was good. Let's go home, Stan.
17:26
No, Roger. You have to confront them.
17:29
It's important to face your fears.
17:31
You know, there was a time when I was terrified of an uncircumcised penis—
17:35
So I moved to Brussels and hunkered down in a gym locker room...
17:38
for six long days.
17:40
You're right. I've got to get past this.
17:46
These khakis are tight on me.
17:50
[ Doorbell Rings ]
17:55
Charles? - Oh, my God.
17:57
Brad, Jenny.
17:59
You hurt me. You hurt me bad.
18:01
You made it impossible for me to have healthy relationships with other families.
18:05
I need to know— Why did you leave me like that?
18:08
You rented a room from us and refused to pay.
18:11
I paid you in laughter. - We were afraid of you.
18:14
Jenny, you better shut up right now, or I will cut your face.
18:17
Well, you know what? You missed out.
18:19
These people, the Smiths—
18:21
They love me with all my faults.
18:24
What's going on? - Oh, look. It's Tyler...
18:26
all grown up like a big shot.
18:29
You turned out cute. Real cute.
18:32
[ Chuckles ] Damn it.
18:34
I'm-- I'm laughing now 'cause I'm nervous.
18:36
[ Laughs ]
18:39
Oh, boy. These khakis are not getting any looser.
18:42
Let's go home. - [ Gasps ]
18:44
You mean you're ready to give up the others?
18:47
I'm a one-family alien.
18:51
There's just one more thing. - [ Gasps ]
18:53
My phone that you can't personalize the ring on...
18:55
that I'm happy to have.
19:00
-[ Clicks ] -[ Gasps ] 11:00 a.m.?
19:03
But that— that-that-that can't be.
19:05
I went to bed at 6:00 last night just for a little catnap...
19:08
to keep me fresh for the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
19:12
I I-- I slept for 17 hours?
19:15
[ Roger ] Marco. -[ Smiths ] Polo.
19:18
Marco. - Polo. - Polo.
19:20
Marco. - Polo. - Polo!
19:23
-[ Screams ] - [All Laugh ]
19:26
Oh, that game is so scary!
19:29
Oh, you really think you're gonna die when he tags you.
19:32
Then when you realize you're still alive, it makes you laugh.
19:36
There you are. We missed you at the concert.
19:39
You went? Why did nobody wake me?
19:42
Well, isn't there a saying about not waking a sleeping fish?
19:46
What? - It was the perfect family night.
19:50
Don't worry, Klaus. Your ticket didn't go to waste.
19:52
We gave it to that koala bear from the CIA. with the brain of a homeless man.
19:55
Hey, girl.
19:58
Hey, girl.
20:01
Hey, girl, I know you hear me.
20:03
What? - Easy, baby.
20:05
I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.
20:08
Except I'm a koala.
20:12
[ Woman] Reginald didn't have a job,'
20:15
♪ The weather was changing He looked like a slob
20:19
But then one cold, dark winter day.'
20:22
Came along an opportunity,*
20:25
So he followed the address to get his free meal
20:29
On the surface, it looked like a hell of a deal,"
20:32
But when he took his first bite
20:34
♪) They put the helmet on tight,
20:36
♪ Then he heard the hum of a 100 million-watt laser,"
20:41
[Reginald] it was scary, y'all.
20:43
[Woman] ~ Reginald, And he used to be nothin',*
20:46
♪ Now he's a koala And he's cute as a button
20:50
♪ Reginald And he used to be nothin'
20:54
♪ Now he's a koala And he's cute as a button
20:57
♪ Now he's a koala And he's cute as a button
21:01
Anyways, maybe sometimes I be on missions...
21:04
and sometimes, you know, I just be here at the house.
21:06
But my number one duty is to say howdy doody to your fruity.
21:12
Cute as a button
21:46
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
