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and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair.
S05E11 Live and Let Fry
03:12 – 03:14
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I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears, itches my head...
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Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.
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Transcript
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:35
Francine, if your cooking gets any better...
00:38
I'm gonna have to get a stomach staple...
00:40
and then bust it out Roker-style.
00:42
Poor Roker. He will always be fat.
00:45
It's this new deep fryer.
00:47
It just makes every single thing delicious.
00:50
Look, I dropped my pen in there by mistake.
00:53
-[ Crunches ] - Oh! Fantastic!
00:56
Speaking of things fantastic— behold!
00:59
I've sewn on all my new Scout badges.
01:02
That's for Pervert Awareness. That's for Interior Design.
01:05
And that one's Sushi!
01:07
I can identify over 60 types of sushi...
01:10
with their correct Japanese names.
01:12
Unagi, hamachi— [ Japanese Accent ] salmon roll.
01:16
Huh. Whatever happened to pitching a tent?
01:19
That was part of Pervert Awareness.
01:21
Za-ZOWWw!
01:23
Lines like that are what earned me my Zinger badge.
01:25
Okay. Let's see who made the crime beat today.
01:28
No better way to shame a first-time petty lawbreaker...
01:31
than by plastering their picture all over the paper.
01:34
Oh, my God! Guess who's in here. - Santa?
01:36
It's a local crime beat, Francine.
01:38
Is it Hayden Panettiere? - Who?! I don't even know who—
01:41
it-it's a local— Forget it. It's Kristy White. - Wow. What'd she do?
01:45
She got busted getting high in the parking lot of a multiplex.
01:48
What movie was she seeing? - The new Pixar movie— Clothes.
01:52
It's about the secret lives of clothes.
01:54
John Ratzenberger plays a tie.
01:57
Hey, neighbor. Nice mug in the local crime beat.
02:01
Listen. I just mowed my lawn. You wanna smoke the excess grass?
02:04
Za-ZOWWw!
02:06
My wife's brought shame to my entire family. Ha, ha!
02:09
I guess you ate a slice of Humboldt pie—
02:13
like Humboldt County where they grow the best stuff.
02:15
[ Laughs ] I have no idea how I Know that.
02:18
I blame rap lyrics. Damn you, Heavy D!
02:21
[ Laughs ] First I engaged in hyperbole...
02:24
then I made a pun, and, finally, I blamed rap.
02:26
There. You're all caught up. - That is so unfair.
02:28
The law against pot makes no sense...
02:30
and people shouldn't be publicly shamed for not following it.
02:33
Hayley's against the pot laws.
02:36
Well, like it or not, Hayley, it's the law. - [ Silverware Rattles ]
02:39
Laws protect us and create order.
02:41
We don't question them. We obey them.
02:42
Or they put your picture in the paper. - Well, it's a stupid law.
02:45
Well, I think your face is a stupid law.
02:48
I was captain of the debate team in high school.
02:51
Well, because the rest of the team died in a horrible bus accident.
02:54
They based that movie The Sweet Hereafter on it. Never saw it.
02:56
Francine wanted to see it, but I convinced her to see Ace Ventura 2—
03:00
because I was captain of the debate team.
03:02
And we're back in! - Hayley, here's what I know.
03:05
I'm off to deliver food to the elderly to earn my Gerontology badge.
03:09
I have this bike helmet which crushes my ears, itches my head...
03:12
and gives me Bonnie Franklin hair.
03:14
Now, why do I wear it? Because it's the law.
03:16
Right, Dad? - Right, Steve.
03:19
[ Bicycle Bell Rings ] - Good kid.
03:22
Goin' the wrong way. - I get turned around sometimes.
03:28
1,199, 1,200.
03:32
Pretty.
03:35
One, two—
03:37
Did I miss happy hour? - Yeah, just.
03:40
-[ Screams ] - Whoa. Whoa.
03:43
What's troubling you, friend?
03:45
My great-aunt has died.
03:46
Will you look? Somebody picked out all the wasabi peas.
03:50
When's the next time I'm gonna get to Trader Joe's?
03:52
Parking lot's a nightmare.
03:54
Anyway. There was a notice in the paper.
03:58
Some lawyers in D.C. are looking for me to give me an inheritance.
04:01
Okay. Not bored yet. Keep talking.
04:03
They say I have to claim the money in person.
04:06
But I can't because the C.I.A. made me a freaking fish!
04:09
[ Sobbing ]
04:11
Well, now bored.
04:13
Three, four—
04:16
I'll be the best-looking one at the car show.
04:18
Five, SIX.
04:20
Wait a minute. Roger.
04:23
You are given to disguises from time to time, yes?
04:25
No, no, no.
04:27
[ Cockney Accent ] If it's the same Roger...
04:29
who takes his pints down at The Cat and the Fiddle...
04:32
he is prone to disguises.
04:34
I also hear he's wanted in a string of prostitute murders, he is.
04:37
Wunderbar! You can pretend to be me...
04:40
go to the lawyers' office and claim the inheritance.
04:43
I do like pretend, but I don't like you.
04:47
But I do like lawyers, but I don't like offices.
04:51
But I do like peaches.
04:53
Throw in a peach, and I'll do it.
04:58
Who loves cute little kitties?
05:00
Guilty. - Then you'll love this.
05:02
The city pound is now keeping cats for only two days...
05:05
before they have them destroyed.
05:09
In other news, citing health concerns...
05:11
the Langley Falls City Council has banned...
05:13
the sale, use and consumption of all trans fats.
05:16
Which is good news for health nuts, bad news for Kirstie Alley.
05:20
Oh. Now you reminded me of the dead kittens.
05:26
Well, if that's the law, then we're gonna have to follow it.
05:30
Mmph! What the hell, Francine? This tastes like crap.
05:33
I know. I used to cook everything in oil containing trans fat.
05:38
But since the new law, you can't get it anymore.
05:40
That's what trans fat is— the stuff that makes everything taste wonderful?
05:44
Why doesn't the city council just declare war on flavor?
05:47
Like the English did years ago.
05:49
Their food is atrocious. -I miss Lady Di.
05:52
She was "the people's princess." - I know who she was, Steven.
05:54
You know what?
05:56
If the city council says I have to live without trans fats, so be it.
05:59
Won't stop me from enjoying my dinner.
06:01
Mmph. [ Gags ]
06:08
[Squeaking ] - Good boy, Cheesers.
06:10
Later, we'll go for ice cream.
06:14
[ Michael Bolton ] « Tell me how am I supposed,"
06:18
To live without you,
06:23
♪ Now that I've been lovin' you so long how
06:31
Am I supposed to live without you,"
06:37
[Coins jingling ]
06:39
Because corn dogs are fried.
06:51
I haven't seen you around these parts.
06:53
I was hangin' out over there by the batteries for a while.
06:56
But, yeah, now I'm here, in this part.
06:58
As long as I'm here, I might as well do my marketing.
07:01
Well, anything I can help you find?
07:03
Well, there is one thing.
07:08
Are you, uh, gonna tell me what it is?
07:10
[Bell jingles ]
07:26
[ Exhales ]
07:29
[ Tires Screeching ]
07:44
[ Gulps, Swallows ]
07:49
[ Hammer Cocks ]
07:51
[ Gunshot ] - [ Body Thuds On Floor ]
07:52
You know what, I'm just gonna eat at my desk.
08:15
[ Beeping ]
08:22
[ Chewing, Moaning ]
08:26
[ Chewing, Moaning ] Oh, God! Yes!
08:28
I want you in my mouth. - Smith?
08:30
Are you alone in there? -Uh--
08:33
What's going on in there? [ Sniffing ]
08:35
I smell good things...
08:37
and I've never smelled good things in here before.
08:39
[ Banging ]
08:41
Be out in a moment. - [ Water Flushing ]
08:43
Finishing up now.
08:45
[ Water Flushes Again]
08:47
Just one guy left. He fell behind his friends.
08:49
[ Water Flushes Again]
08:52
Oh, hello. - Why do you have a fork?
08:56
It's not a pretty story, sir.
08:59
Withdrawn.
09:01
[ Sighs ]
09:06
Remember, Roger. If you're gonna help me get that inheritance...
09:09
you're going to have to be me. - Got it.
09:11
Okay. What's my favorite food? - Trick question. You have no taste buds.
09:15
No. What's my first pet's name? - Monkey, the golden retriever.
09:17
No. My favorite movie. - Dude, Where's My—
09:19
No! We're doing this the wrong way.
09:22
Perhaps I should tell you all this stuff first.
09:24
Oh. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Do that.
09:26
-[ Steve ] Mmm! - [ Moaning ] Oh!
09:29
Mom, this is delicious. - Too delicious.
09:32
This is fried in trans fat.
09:34
Mom, how could you— - Don't you judge me.
09:36
Do you know how hard it is to cook for this family?
09:39
Not very, but I can't handle much.
09:43
-Uh-- - Steve, don't eat those. Trans fats are illegal.
09:46
Dad, are you breaking the law?
09:48
Yes, Son, but it's a stupid law. It shouldn't exist to begin with.
09:51
So, since the trans fat law is stupid, we don't have to follow it?
09:54
Smart boy. What can I buy you— new baseball mitt, skateboard?
09:58
Can I have a bunny? - To kill?
10:00
No. To love. - AW, geez.
10:02
Dad, you're such a hypocrite. Besides, that law is totally legit.
10:06
Trans fat can kill— - [ Door Bell Rings ]
10:08
Now, am I supposed to get that?
10:10
It's too much! It's all too much!
10:12
[ Footsteps Running ]
10:14
Okay, Jer, see you in a few days.
10:16
Sure thing, Stan. Let me know if that lotto ticket's a winner.
10:19
You'll be the first to hear, buddy.
10:21
Well, after my boss when I tell him to stick it.
10:23
[ Both Laughing ]
10:27
There goes the only man I'll ever love.
10:38
Uh, yeah— Uh, evening, Officer. What brings you here?
10:42
Turlington, Internal Affairs.
10:44
I've been assigned to watch the city line and inspect for trans fats.
10:47
That sounds pretty boring. What do you say you and me go around the corner...
10:50
and make your job a lot more exciting?
10:53
I can tell by your lack of interest that I was kidding.
10:55
Pretty smart, aren't ya?
10:57
So, you wouldn't happen to be bringing any trans fat across city lines, would you?
11:02
'Cause I'd hate to see your smart face in the crime beat.
11:05
Crime beat?
11:07
Lovely day for a fast, short, backward drive, isn't it? -[ Tires Screech ]
11:10
[ Brakes Squeal ] - Wonder what he's doin' back there.
11:12
[Cans Clattering ] - Well, not my jurisdiction.
11:15
My jurisdiction lies this way—
11:17
[ Clattering Continues ] - this quiet direction here.
11:21
[ Whistling ] Ah, well, that was just delightful.
11:24
So, Officer, if you need to search my car, feel free.
11:26
Because i've got— Oh, wait.
11:28
[ Can Clatters ] - Nothing to hide.
11:38
[ German Accent ] Hello all.
11:40
Well, you have the smoking down.
11:48
And the clubfoot. - I have everything down.
11:50
Oh, do you? - Indeed.
11:52
What's my favorite breakfast sausage? - Weisswurst.
11:54
With? - Sauerkraut.
11:55
Also with? - Hefeweizen.
11:56
Baseball player? - Schoeneweis.
11:57
Tennis racket? - Slazenger.
11:58
Made-up word? - Scheigelbarben.
12:00
I have nothing left to teach you.
12:02
You are ready for the inheritance lawyers.
12:03
Oh, wait. There is something else you should know.
12:05
I bedazzled my genitalia.
12:07
Oh, then we have a happy coincidence going on here.
12:10
Mine says "ABBA."
12:17
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
12:20
Honey, what's the matter? What is it?
12:22
Oh, no. I'm pregnant, aren't I?
12:26
That's it, isn't it? I'm-- I'm pregnant.
12:29
You told me! I was on the pill.
12:31
No, you're not pregnant. Thank God.
12:33
I wouldn't want to bring another child into a world...
12:35
where I can't get any more trans fat.
12:37
What? - They're onto me. I can't smuggle—
12:39
Don't give me "can't." You're gonna have to try harder...
12:43
or you're the one who's gonna tell this chick it's not gonna be fried.
12:47
You look into its sweet, innocent face and say...
12:51
"I'm sorry, Penny. We're out of trans fat. You won't be fried today."
12:55
Because I will not do it! [ Huffs ]
13:01
[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]
13:02
[ Squeaks On Glass, Splats ]
13:09
Hey, Steve, how'd you like to get that bunny?
13:11
Would I? I? already have a name for it.
13:14
But I'm not ready to tell anybody.
13:16
Whiskers.
13:18
I'm mad at myself.
13:19
All right. There's your trans fats.
13:22
I'll see you next week. And, you know, uh...
13:24
kiss your dad for me.
13:26
Kiss him hard. Take the breath out of his lungs.
13:29
I want him to have to sit down.
13:31
[ Bicycle Bell Ringing ]
13:37
Look innocent, smile, tell him hello—
13:39
as if you've got nothin' to hide.
13:41
He-He-Hello!
13:44
[ Sighs ] We did it, bike.
13:46
I feel so good I'm gonna ride the next mile sidesaddle.
13:52
[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]
13:57
My boy! Tonight we feast.
13:59
And this is for you, kiddo. - A bunny!
14:02
You've earned it. You're a first-rate smuggler.
14:04
Oh! What a cute little bunny.
14:07
I'm gonna pop you right in the fryer.
14:16
Okay, here we are, Mrs. Washburn.
14:19
Steve, I need my T-fats.
14:21
Why are you wasting time helping little old ladies across the street?
14:24
Well, it's kinda page one of the Scout manual, Dad.
14:27
And... za-zoww! - Ooh!
14:29
Well played, Son. Way to mix it up.
14:33
But what about me?
14:35
You walked me clear across the city line and 40 blocks more.
14:39
I kept telling you, "No, I live there.
14:42
I live back there." - Not my problem, grandma.
14:47
[ Door Closes ] - Okay, Helen.
14:49
Time for 60 years of Kegel exercises to pay off.
14:53
[ Deep Inhale ]
14:54
Whoo!
15:00
[ With Accent ] Gentlemen, my name is Klaus Heissler.
15:02
Oh, Mr. Heissler. We've been looking for you.
15:05
Indeed. I was born to peasants in the quaint hamlet of—
15:08
Actually, we just need you to sign this affidavit...
15:10
swearing that you are who you Say you are.
15:12
[ Drops Accent ] Really? But I had to sit through so many boring stories about my life.
15:17
[Snaps Fingers ] - Kill him.
15:18
[Accent ] What's happening? - We're gonna give you what you have coming.
15:22
Wait. Why are you bearing down on me menacingly?
15:25
I'm Klaus, I tell you.
15:27
Danke-schon! Oktoberfest! German!
15:30
Bye-bye, mein Lieber Herr Farewell, mein Lieber Herr
15:33
it was a fine affair, but now it's over [ Whimpers ]
15:36
[All Grunting ] - [ Blows Thudding ]
15:44
[ Straining ]
15:46
Stupid law.
15:57
He-Hello, Officer. Wh-What can I do you for?
16:00
I seen you come this way an awful lot lately.
16:03
I always figured you to be a trustworthy Scout Ranger.
16:06
Then I noticed you weren't wearing your helmet...
16:08
and I thought, "Maybe he's not so trustworthy."
16:11
Oh, right. I donated it to Helmets for Humanity.
16:14
Yeah. Th-They give helmets to land mine victims in developing countries.
16:19
My helmet is the only thing holding a Cambodian boy's head together.
16:22
What's in the basket? - Um— Uh, sandwiches for the poor.
16:26
How about you throw a turkey sandwich old Turlington's way?
16:28
I'll pay you 4.25 for it.
16:30
Uh, okay.
16:32
Good. I'll get my money, which I keep under the passenger seat.
16:39
[ Grunting ]
16:46
[ Gulping ]
16:58
[ Gags ]
17:04
Will you take 4.23?
17:07
[ Muffled ] No. - Ah!
17:09
[Gulping ] - Ah! Oh.
17:15
Ooh. Aw.
17:19
Ah! Oh.
17:22
Mama! If you can hear me, it's Daniel.
17:25
I want that sandwich!
17:28
Ah! A nickel.
17:30
[ Groans ]
17:32
Oh, sorry. Just ran out.
17:35
Mama. Mama, we were too late.
17:41
What's with all these empty trans fat cans?
17:44
Uh, recycling.
17:46
Yeah, just pleasuring Mother Earth like a young boy should.
17:48
[ Giggles ] Bye.
17:50
Look where he's headed, Mama-- right into my jurisdiction.
17:53
[ Loud Thud ]
17:55
Oh, this isn't home. Oh, my coordinates must be off.
18:00
Doggone it. I gotta get this thing recalibrated.
18:03
Whoo!
18:09
[Klaus ] Ambush, huh?
18:11
Now that I think about it, there is one thing I left out.
18:15
Back home, I had a terrible gambling problem.
18:17
Owed a fortune to the East German mafia.
18:19
Huh. Yeah, I guess they were trying to smoke me out.
18:23
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God. We fell for that one, didn't we?
18:26
[ Muffled Shouting, Indistinct ]
18:29
Use your board. Use your message board.
18:36
"How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?"
18:40
Oh, good. The morphine is finally kicking in.
18:47
[ Panting ] Dad! I got pulled over at the city line...
18:51
and then Officer Turlington followed me home!
18:53
Steve, did he catch you with the— [I Whistles ]
18:55
No. I ate all the evidence before he could find it.
18:57
[ Sighs ] Atta-mule.
18:59
I think I'm gonna go lie down. I'm feelin' a little sweaty.
19:02
I wonder if it's connected to all those cans of trans fat I ate.
19:05
And there's a shooting pain in my left arm.
19:07
And my chest hurts.
19:09
That's so weird— [ Groans ]
19:11
Oh! Dad! I think I'm having a heart attack!
19:15
Steve! We've gotta get you to the hospital! - No!
19:18
Don't do it. Turlington's onto us.
19:21
We'll be found out and— [ Gasps, Groans ]
19:23
shamed in the paper. - [ Gasps ]
19:26
But it's not too late. We can kill Turlington...
19:29
or firebomb the newspaper or-or both! [ Groans ] - Steve, we can't.
19:32
Why, 'cause it's illegal to kill a cop who's up in your business?
19:36
B-But that's a stupid law. And it's okay to break those, right, Dad?
19:40
[ Gasps, Groans ]
19:42
What have I done? - [Whimpering ]
19:44
I've turned my own son into an amoral smuggler...
19:46
who believes you can pick and choose which laws you follow.
19:50
[ Gasping ] Dad!
19:53
This is it.
19:56
Steve, no! Don't go to the light.
19:59
Go as close to the light as you can...
20:01
and then ask my grandfather why Jim Nabors was at his funeral.
20:04
But then come back. Steve, can you hear me?
20:07
Local crime beat be damned! I'm taking you to the hospital.
20:10
Unless, of course, this kick revives you.
20:12
[ Grunts ]
20:14
[ Siren Wailing ]
20:21
Dad? - He's waking up.
20:23
What happened? - Son, you're okay.
20:26
Turns out you didn't have a heart attack after all.
20:28
Which in my opinion makes all your dramatics on the kitchen floor...
20:31
at bit uncalled for, but whatever.
20:33
You thought what you thought. - You have angina.
20:35
Which according to Dr. Natterson, sounds like "vagina."
20:40
I-I don't know about that, but he's the doctor.
20:43
Dad, you— you brought me to the hospital?
20:46
Of course I did, Son. Having you safe and sound is all that matters.
20:50
But that means your picture's gonna be in the paper tomorrow.
20:53
It was in the paper six weeks ago.
20:55
You've been in a medically induced coma.
20:56
I was shamed, I suffered, and I've moved on.
20:59
And frankly, the family's recently been far more concerned...
21:01
with Roger's runaway banana boat.
21:03
It's been quite a story. A little big, but funny.
21:05
[Jungle Creatures Vocalizing ] - [ Drums Beating ]
21:10
[Rock Blasting ]
21:46
Bye. Have a beautiful time!
