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He had his chance at my poop when I was in diapers.
S05E13 Jack's Back
09:57 – 10:00
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Or do a number four. That's when you poop while holding hands.
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If he didn't want it then, he doesn't get it now.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA. Dad! Dad!
00:42
Dad! Dad!
00:45
[ Voice Quivering ] Dad!
00:47
[ Tires Screech ]
00:49
Dad— Dad!
00:51
[ Panting ] Dad! - Honey, it's 3:30.
00:54
You know your father doesn't get home until 6:00. - Oh. Right.
01:06
Dad! - Steve, you know after a hard day at work...
01:09
I need 30 minutes to go through the mail.
01:13
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
01:21
So, what's on your mind, sport?
01:23
I signed us up for a father-son bike race. - Oh.
01:27
Well, that sounds like fun. - I bought us matching Lycra bike pants.
01:30
Smalls. We're gonna look like we got poured into these.
01:34
-I'm sorry, Steve. I can't do it. - What? Why not?
01:37
[ Sighs ] Little Danny Caulfield.
01:40
Who's Danny— - My dead best friend!
01:42
Oh, my God! - We rode our bikes everywhere.
01:45
One day, I was showboating down by the railroad tracks, popping wheelies.
01:48
"Wheelie popping" we used to call it.
01:50
I was, like, "Hey, Danny, look at me!"
01:52
And you know what Danny did? He looked at me.
01:55
He looked at me for so long, he didn't see that dry-cleaning van.
01:59
Next thing I knew, the handlebars of his Huffy...
02:01
were where his lungs were supposed to be.
02:03
Every time he'd breathe, you'd hear a little ring-ring, ring-ring.
02:07
It was cute, until it got annoying.
02:11
Roger, give me a Coke. - You got it. Diet Coke.
02:14
I didn't say "diet." - No, but your thighs did.
02:16
I heard you walkin' a mile away. "Here comes Hayley. Here comes Hayley."
02:20
Roger, I'm screwed.
02:22
I put off getting an internship for my business class, and now I only have a week left.
02:25
Well, why don't you intern here at my bar?
02:27
I need to have this form signed by the owner of a real business.
02:30
This is a real business. To wit.
02:33
-[ Dings ] - Ew! It's filled with fingernail clippings.
02:37
I mix 'em in with the wasabi peas. No one notices.
02:39
I also have a business license. Probably should've started with that.
02:42
Well, I guess this could work. I just don't wanna flunk out of junior college.
02:46
Why? I think you'd make a wonderful pharmaceutical sales rep.
02:50
[ Bicycle Horn Honks ] - [ Stan ] God bless it!
02:56
[ Groans ]
02:59
So you don't know how to ride a bike. Why didn't you just say so?
03:03
Because it's embarrassing. It was my father's job to teach me.
03:07
But, no, he had more important stuff to do.
03:10
Daddy, will you teach me how to ride this bike?
03:13
I'm in a meeting.
03:16
I've kept this stupid bike all these years.
03:19
Now it's a neglected rusty mess just like my relationship with my dad.
03:22
This bike is a perfect metaphor. The streamers are my tears!
03:27
Well, you can still learn to ride a bike.
03:29
[ Gasps ] - I've tried, Francine.
03:32
But every time I get on one, I get so mad at my dad, I lose my concentration and fall.
03:36
Sounds like your father issues are giving you some kind of mental block.
03:39
A mental block? - Yeah, like me and spumoni.
03:43
I know it's tricolored ice cream, but it sounds like pasta.
03:47
And I can't get around that. I mean, my situation's hopeless...
03:52
but you can talk to your dad.
03:54
Good idea. I'll just call him right now.
03:56
Oh, wait, I can't, because I don't know where he is,
03:58
because he's a grifter who doesn't care about me and never did.
04:00
I never wanna see him again. - But, Stan—
04:03
Francine, I don't need him. I can learn to ride a bike myself.
04:08
[ Groans ] Oh, my God!
04:10
I had a freshly sharpened pencil in my pocket!
04:16
Shot of bourbon.
04:18
Name's Tommy Calhoun, attorney at law.
04:21
Call me Tommy. Mr. Calhoun was my daddy.
04:24
And Mr. Epstein was my granddaddy.
04:26
They changed it to hide the Jewish.
04:28
Roger, I've got better things to do than serve you drinks while you play dress-up.
04:31
Oh, indeed you do. Roger told me to tell you...
04:35
to clean the rat feces out of the air vents...
04:37
and then remove the rats that had made said feces.
04:41
-I'm not gonna do that. - Oh, you will if you want that internship form signed.
04:44
Roger, you can't— - Hayley, it's Roger.
04:47
If you want your form signed, you're gonna have to play along.
04:50
[ Sighs ] Fine, Mr. Calhoun. I'll get right on it.
04:54
Great. And after that, you can clean my pants up...
04:56
'cause I just Mr. Belvedere'd myself.
04:59
Google it.
05:03
Ow! Thanks a lot, Dad!
05:05
[ Phone Ringing ] - Oh, hi, Steve. You're in jail?
05:10
Well, tell Toshi to tag you and get you out.
05:13
Oh, real jail? Don't let anyone tag you!
05:21
Steve, what did you do? - Relax, Dad. I'm not in trouble.
05:24
I'm just visiting. Look, I'm sorry I lied, but there's someone you need to talk to.
05:28
Hello, Son.
05:31
Dad! - Dad, don't be mad.
05:33
I heard you tell Mom you didn't know where Grandpa was...
05:36
so I used the Internet to find him.
05:38
I also found a recipe for pumpkin flan that will melt in your mouth.
05:41
I'll melt in your mouth. Uh, I'm sorry.
05:45
So bad at introductions. I'm Michael.
05:53
My father's in jail. What a surprise twist.
05:56
Are we in an M. Night Shyamalan movie?
05:58
Does M-Dog have a self-indulgent cameo as the warden who just happens to be Indian?
06:02
It's not what you think, Son. I've changed.
06:05
I'm only behind bars because I was framed for robbing a jewelry store.
06:09
He's innocent, Dad. And he's gonna prove it at his trial next week.
06:13
If I live that long.
06:15
[Weeping ] - That's an old accomplice of mine.
06:17
Ten years ago, I left him holding the bag. And now, he wants revenge.
06:21
So, your wicked ways caught up with you.
06:23
Yes. And now, those wicked ways are gonna grab me from behind...
06:27
shove me to the floor, and break in my rump like a new baseball glove.
06:32
Right in front of the kid. That's nice.
06:34
This is a chance for you two to reconnect.
06:36
Let's bail him out and let him stay with us until the trial.
06:38
Ha! i'm not doing a thing for him. - Then do it for us.
06:42
This time, it was a bike ride. But who knows what else we could miss out on?
06:46
Maybe a game of catch. Taking me to my first prostitute.
06:49
Scolding me when I fall in love with aforementioned prostitute. Bowling.
06:54
Give me a chance, Son.
06:56
Hi. I just wanted to say hello.
06:58
I'm the warden, Sanjay Budapar.
07:02
Dad, this is gonna be great. - Steve, let's be realistic.
07:05
Last time I saw my dad, he stole my car and left me stranded.
07:08
So you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of his motives.
07:11
Dad, he's changed. I took my measure of him...
07:14
and I'm satisfied that he's a good and decent man. - [ Engine Starts ]
07:17
Son of a bitch! - [Air Hissing ]
07:19
What are you doing? - He was making a break for it!
07:22
Why'd you shoot? I was just pulling up the car.
07:25
Yeah, Dad. Geez!
07:29
Oh, great.
07:31
Now it's making a black tinkle out of the "hoozy whater".
07:35
Mom taught me about cars, "cause you were gone!
07:41
Frannie, the meat loaf is delicious.
07:43
It's salmon. But thank you.
07:45
I think it's delicious too. What about you, Dad?
07:47
Do you share the opinion of the other Smith men?
07:50
Whatever it is, it's dry. - Stan, what did I say about shotguns at the table?
07:54
Fine. Put on this tracking device.
07:57
You get more than 50 feet away from me, you're going back to jail.
08:00
This really isn't necessary. I told you, I've changed.
08:03
No, you haven't. You totally haven't changed.
08:06
Talkin' about changin'. Shut up.
08:08
You know what? We should all do something together.
08:11
Hey, what do fathers and sons do? Hey, hey.
08:14
What about that prostitute idea somebody floated earlier? That sounds interesting.
08:17
You know, it could be. Let's-Let's not rule it out.
08:20
Why don't you go camping? Think of the male bonding opportunities.
08:24
Fishing, hiking— Ooh! You could make spaetzle by the fire.
08:28
That's a great idea. - What's the point?
08:31
Dad, you promised you'd try. It'll be fun. We can make s'mores.
08:35
Spaetzle. - Uh, I don't know what that is.
08:37
But s'mores sound really good.
08:39
It was my idea. I own camping. If you don't make spaetzle, you can't go camping.
08:43
Just tell him you're gonna make spaetzle. He's not gonna know.
08:46
No! It's the principle. We're going camping, and we're not making spaetzle!
08:51
I hope you die out there!
08:55
Looks like they're going camping. - Yeah, I know. So?
08:58
Sometimes, I like to know what else is happening.
09:00
-I'm looking for a Roger Smith. - Hayley!
09:05
Well, well, well. What have we here?
09:08
-I don't believe we've met. - Constance Mathers.
09:11
I'm from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
09:14
Interesting. What can I do for you, Ms.— Mathers, is it?
09:18
You've been exposing an intern named Hayley Smith to unsafe working conditions.
09:21
Henceforth, Miss Smith's duties shall be limited to watching TV and Web surfing.
09:25
I already have a boy for that. He watches Nickelodeon all day. He's seven, and not real.
09:30
You also must stop threatening to not sign her internship form.
09:32
And if! I refuse? - Then I will shut you down so fast, your head will spin.
09:38
Game on, bitch. - Hey!
09:40
You said a swear. - Yeah— Wait. You're real?
09:44
[ Birds Calling ]
09:46
Dad, look at the awesome latrine Grandpa just dug.
09:51
Maybe you and Grandpa should whiz together.
09:54
Or do a number four. That's when you poop while holding hands.
09:57
He had his chance at my poop when I was in diapers.
10:00
If he didn't want it then, he doesn't get it now.
10:07
All right. Car's packed. Time to go.
10:09
But we've been here barely an hour.
10:11
Hey! I-i think I got a bite!
10:14
Dad! Dad, what do I do? - I don't know. I've never fished before.
10:19
Just pull! Pull on the fish rope!
10:21
[ Yelling ]
10:23
Stop running! Just reel it in!
10:27
Steady. Steady. Hold it. Hold it! You can do it.
10:31
Now, pull hard! Just yank it!
10:34
Get your net out. Don't give up! That-a-boy.
10:37
You're doing it. Way to go, Son. - Hey, guys.
10:49
What you doin'? - Steve texted me a heartwarming photo.
10:57
It was really fun. You should've been there, Francine.
10:59
I mean, it was a father-son trip, so if you had been there, it would've ruined everything.
11:02
I'm sorry. -I'll tell you, the old man really surprised me.
11:06
He acted just like... a real dad.
11:09
Look what we found, Son. - A trip we can all take next summer.
11:13
Well, that sounds wonderful. But maybe you shouldn't make any plans...
11:16
until after Grandpa's trial tomorrow.
11:19
Mom, he's innocent. But even if he gets railroaded...
11:22
he won't go away for long, 'cause the judge'll go easy on him...
11:25
especially since Dad will take the stand and give him a glowing character reference.
11:29
Character reference? - Yeah.
11:31
If you swear he's a changed man, the judge will have to believe you.
11:34
You're a government agent. [ Chuckles ]
11:36
It was all Grandpa's idea.
11:38
I knew it! You're using us!
11:40
What? No! Come on.
11:42
You haven't changed a bit. You're still the same selfish bastard...
11:46
who never taught me how to ride that stupid, rusty old bike that's cluttering up my garage!
11:50
I think we need a little comic relief in here. Where's Roger?
11:54
Dad, Grandpa's changed. - Steve, don't be an idiot. He's conning you.
11:58
Or Klaus. Maybe he could say a funny German word.
12:01
We went camping, Stan. What else do you want from me?
12:05
Tomorrow, I'm hauling your ass to court, and then I want you the hell out of our lives!
12:09
[ Francine ] Klaus! - Dad, not only did you just lose a father.
12:12
You may well have lost a son too.
12:15
Well... did I, or didn't I?
12:17
You may well have!
12:21
[ Panting ]
12:22
Spaetzle! - Roger!
12:25
[Watch Beeping ] - Oh! Quitting time.
12:29
Hello. - [ Gasps ]
12:31
I am Dimitri Garabidian, a high-ranking member of the Armenian Mafia.
12:36
Roger's place pays us for protection. You recognize this woman?
12:41
That's Constance Mathers. Where did you get this picture?
12:43
The security camera.
12:46
Her meddling was making Roger's employees think they didn't have to do any work...
12:50
and could still get their internship form signed.
12:53
So I killed her. - You can't do that!
12:56
It is already done.
13:00
This isn't over. - You're out of your league!
13:02
Now, get back to work. Unload these crates.
13:05
You know what? Those look heavy. You better use this.
13:11
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
13:15
Grandpa. -[ Yells ]
13:17
-[ Screams ] - Sorry. It gets moist in there.
13:20
I have to air it out at night, or I get eye mushrooms.
13:22
I came to say good-bye. You're a changed man now...
13:25
and if my dad won't accept that, then I can't live here anymore.
13:29
You know, Steve— - Don't try to stop me.
13:31
Stop you? I want to go with you.
13:33
Really? But what about your trial?
13:35
They're gonna railroad me in court tomorrow.
13:38
So! I might as well go on the run. Oh, darn.
13:41
What? - This tracking device.
13:43
If only we knew where your dad keeps the key.
13:46
I Know where my dad keeps the key.
13:48
It's in the fake lock under his mattress.
13:50
Great! You get the key, and then we'll take off in your mom's car.
13:53
Yeah. We'll be a couple of tough guy fugitives on the lam.
13:57
One of whom almost forgot his inhaler. Excuse me.
14:08
What's going on?
14:09
Jack and Steve ran away together! Did you know about this?
14:13
No! No, I just came back from the reading of Constance Mathers's will.
14:16
Guess who got screwed. Anyone want this Edie Brickell "cassingle"?
14:21
I've never even heard of the second song.
14:23
"The Land of Men." What-What is that?
14:29
This is great! My first dive bar.
14:32
Thanks, Grandpa. This is So awesome.
14:34
My dad would never take me to a place like this.
14:36
Yeah. Your dad has a different way of doing things.
14:41
Yeah, a sucky way. I'm having so much fun.
14:44
I wish my dad was more like you.
14:46
Kid, if your dad was more like me, you wouldn't even know him.
14:49
I'm just saying, go easy on your old man.
14:51
He wasn't as lucky as you in the father department.
14:54
[ Scoffs ] You're the only role model I need.
14:58
Is that a condom and a rubber band? - Sure is.
15:02
Ah. What a long night of killing people who don't deserve it.
15:07
Where is small-breasted bar wench?
15:09
She didn't come in today. But there is someone here to see you.
15:15
Who are you? - Do you not recognize me, Dimitri?
15:15
Who are you? - Do you not recognize me, Dimit?
15:18
I am Mama Maroosh, matriarch of the Armenian Mafia!
15:22
[ Gasps ] - You killed a woman, Dimitri.
15:25
You bring dishonor on our family. You know what you must do.
15:29
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
15:33
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
15:39
Captain François Dubonais, French Interpol.
15:42
I have devoted 10 years of my life...
15:44
to toppling your criminal empire, Madam Maroosh.
15:46
Your reign of terror is over.
15:50
And I am Marie Dubonais, your neglected wife.
15:54
Your obsession with the Armenians has destroyed our marriage...
15:57
and driven me into the arms of my lover, Raoul!
16:01
And I am Raoul! You are too old and barren.
16:04
I am leaving you for a real woman who can bear me a son.
16:09
And I am your doctor. The bull's horn has done too much damage.
16:12
Your testicle cannot be saved. You will never have a son.
16:16
And I Am Toro, Raoul's half bull son from the future.
16:20
My father's other testicle became stronger...
16:22
and he mated with a bull to conceive me/
16:26
And I am an Amish idiot savant who hath proven with nary a doubt...
16:29
that time travel is impossible.
16:32
And I'm Hayley, and all of this is just a figment...
16:35
of my drug-induced imagination.
16:38
And I'm Roger. Your internship's over, Hayley.
16:42
Fine. Just sign my damn internship form. - Never!
16:45
Then I, Hayley, am just gonna forge your signature.
16:48
Roger Smith.
16:53
What happened? Did I win?
16:59
Hey. Hey, no. That TV was real. I bought that!
17:04
What a night. My dad would never have let me sit in a car...
17:08
in a dark alley all by myself...
17:10
while he went behind a Dumpster with a Malaysian lady in a shiny dress.
17:13
By the way, thanks for letting me borrow your eye patch.
17:15
My dad's such a jerk. - Hey, don't talk about your father that way.
17:19
God, Grandpa. You've been defending him all night.
17:22
And all he does is say terrible things about you.
17:25
Kiddo, they're all true.
17:28
Fact is, I'm a no-good crook.
17:30
But you changed. You're innocent.
17:33
Nope. Guilty. I robbed that jewelry store.
17:35
And your dad's car— I was trying to steal it.
17:38
Huh? - And from the minute you bailed me out...
17:40
I've been working you and your dad so I could get that character reference.
17:43
[ Gasps ] - And that convict wasn't gonna rape me in the shower.
17:47
I was gonna rape him. - [ Gasps ]
17:49
So— So you were just lying?
17:51
I was, until I saw what it was doing to you, Steve.
17:55
I already turned my son against me.
17:57
The last thing I want to do is turn you against your father.
18:01
That's why I've brought us here.
18:03
The courthouse? You're turning yourself in!
18:07
Yes. But first, I have something I want to give you.
18:11
This is $50 I stole from your sock drawer.
18:14
And I also stole your dress socks.
18:20
He turned himself in? - Yes.
18:22
And your character reference is his only chance for leniency.
18:25
But he tricked you into running away with him.
18:26
Dad, that was all my idea.
18:28
And Grandpa told me that I was wrong and you were right about him the whole time.
18:32
He said that? - Yes.
18:34
Dad, his trial's going on right now. You gotta hurry!
18:37
Stan, come see this!
18:39
[Stan] My bike! It looks brand-new.
18:43
Your father must've fixed it up before he left.
18:45
But... why would he— Unless—
18:49
Unless—
18:50
That neglectful son of a bitch loves me!
18:53
And he needs me. Francine, I've gotta get down to that courthouse...
18:57
and tell the judge my father really has changed.
19:00
And this will be exhibit "A."
19:08
[ Sniffs ] Oh, my God. Oil!
19:11
Stan, we struck oil! We're rich!
19:15
[ Engine Stalling ]
19:18
[ Dinging ] - Damn it!
19:20
[ Horn Honking ]
19:25
[ Honking ]
19:28
Queen] ~ Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle,"
19:32
I /want to ride my,
19:34
Bicycle, bicycle, bicycle,"
19:38
I want to ride my bicycle
19:40
I want to ride my bike,' - [ Gasps ] I still have one.
19:44
I want to ride my bicycle? - No!
19:47
-[ Horns Honking ] - [Jack's Voice ] Steady. Steady.
19:50
Hold it. Hold it! You can do it.
19:53
Get your net out. -I don't have a net!
19:56
Don't give up! That-a-boy! You're doing it!
20:00
I'm doing it. I'm really doing it.
20:02
Continues dad!
20:07
» Bicycle, bicycle,' - Dad!
20:10
Bicycle I want to ride my,*
20:12
Steve, look at me! I Know how to ride a bike!
20:16
All right, Dad! - But I don't Know how to stop!
20:19
Quick! Move the building! [ Groans ]
20:26
I— I'm here to save you.
20:29
Trial's over, buddy boy.
20:31
Guilty. I'm headed for the big house. - No! I'll talk to the judge.
20:34
It's okay. I'll do my time.
20:37
It'll be nice to stay in one place for a change.
20:40
[ Chuckles ] Especially now that I have a reason to stick around.
20:43
Right. Steve's hair.
20:45
But it's not fair. We have so much lost time to make up for.
20:49
Well, at least now, you'll Know where to find me.
20:51
Thanks for the bike. I love you, Dad.
20:54
-[ Groans ] - Other convicts are watching.
20:57
You gotta demonstrate dominance, or they'll eat you alive.
21:01
My dad just taught me a life lesson.
21:04
You tried to save him, Dad. You're a good son.
21:07
-I have a great role model. - I love you, Dad.
21:10
-[ Groans ] - You never know. I might end up in there one day.
21:46
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
