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Ah, you son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter.
S05E14 Bar Mitzvah Hustle
09:07 – 09:09
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:36
Okay, Debs, check out that couple over there.
00:41
-[ Fart ] - Wait. Th-That wasn't me! I would never—
00:45
-[ Farting ] - [Crowd Laughing ]
00:48
How great is this thing? It throws farts up to a hundred yards.
00:52
Well, if it makes you happy. - So happy.
00:55
It has a two-gig fart library that analyzes your laughter...
00:58
and recommends farts based on your comedic sensibility. -[ Clicks ]
01:01
[ Man, In Cultured Accent ] You enjoyed—[ Fart ]
01:03
Perhaps you'll enjoy— [ Short Fart ]
01:05
Oh, that is nice. - Hey, guys.
01:08
Hey, Snot. - You know Etan, my bar mitzvah study buddy.
01:11
Okay, Bubbe judy, I'm just comin' to the end of the stairs now. Yeah, the motor stairs.
01:14
That's right. I'm almost at the bottom, so I gotta get off, okay? I gotta keep goin'.
01:18
I kno— Okay, I love you too. I have to go. Bye, Bubbe judy.
01:21
[ Beeps ] - That was my grandmother. I call her every day.
01:24
Not because I have to, because I want to. You should too.
01:27
Shaloms all around.
01:29
And, Debbie, a super shalom to you.
01:32
I didn't see you at temple this year for Yom Kippur.
01:35
You missed some off-the-hizzi atonement. You were busy?
01:39
Actually, I've sort of moved away from traditional religion.
01:42
Oh. So then might I suggest you check out the Jewish mystical tradition of Kabbalah?
01:48
It's your Judaism— [ Whispers ] after dark.
01:51
I didn't know you were so spiritual, Etan.
01:54
Hey, I'm spiritual too. I'm terrified of ghosts!
01:58
Well, I gotta go shave. It's been a couple of days.
02:01
But I'll catch you later, nerds. [ Laughs ]
02:03
I like my women like I like my dreidels— bottom-heavy?
02:08
I'll be blunt. I'm comin' on to you, Deborah. It's true. This is what's happening.
02:12
The matzo ball's in your court.
02:16
Wow. He's so... mature.
02:19
I'm mature. - You enjoyed—[ High-pitched Fart ]
02:22
Perhaps you'll enjoy— [ Deeper Fart ]
02:25
[ Laughs ] He's right. I did enjoy that. Very much so.
02:33
Has anyone seen my cell phone? - No. - Nope. Hey!
02:36
Dad, why don't you just call your cell from the land line and listen for the ring?
02:40
Because it's still on vibrate from the movies last night.
02:42
Why did I take consideration for others into account? Why?
02:48
Yes! Found it. Wait. This isn't my phone. It's not even real.
02:52
It's my phone, and it's full of jelly beans. And they are my jelly beans.
02:56
Ring, ring! Ach, it's the green jelly bean. I'm not gonna take this.
02:59
Damn it! I'll never find my phone.
03:02
You know, they should invent a way...
03:04
so that if you lose your cell phone on vibrate mode...
03:06
you can call it, enter a code and the phone rings.
03:10
That... is a great idea.
03:13
That's a million-dollar idea, and we're gonna sell it! - What?
03:17
Oh, you're having a laugh at me.
03:19
Francine, you know I only laugh at Two and a Half Men. [I Laughs ]
03:24
Charlie Sheen sleeps with whores then has breakfast with a fat child.
03:27
It's funny just talking about it.
03:32
Well, Snot, that is the Super Ball conundrum:
03:35
We want them to bounce higher and higher, but then we risk losing them.
03:39
What in the world is this?
03:42
-[ Clicks ] - Cool!
03:45
High-tech invitations to Etan's bar mitzvah. - [ Electronic: "hava Nagila" ]
03:48
Wow. He's rented out the fanciest ballroom in town.
03:51
Dang. For my bar mitzvah, I have to get to the park by dawn...
03:55
to get the picnic table by the swings.
03:57
It's the only one that doesn't have a swastika or a boner carved in it.
04:01
Wait. Where's my invitation?
04:04
Oh. Etan's talkin' to Debbie.
04:07
Wonder if he's inviting us as a couple? No need to wonder, Steve.
04:10
I just loaded up my question gun. Time to go answer huntin'.
04:14
Hey, Etan. Just makin' sure that—
04:16
Ooh, excuse me a moment.
04:18
-[ Fart ] - [ Laughs Loudly ]
04:22
Good stuff. Good stuff. Now, where was I?
04:25
Uh, Etan, can you give us a minute?
04:27
Sure. I gotta go set up my gift registry anyway.
04:30
I'm registering at Neiman Marcus...
04:32
or should I say, "Needless Markup." [ Laughs ]
04:36
Oh, Debbie, that's highbrow.
04:41
Steve, I'm sorry, but...
04:43
well, Etan asked me to be his date to his bar mitzvah, and I said yes.
04:47
What? You're dumping me for that snobby, rich kid?
04:50
Steve, I don't care that he's rich. I care that he's mature.
04:54
I'm sorry, but I need a man... not a boy.
04:59
A-A boy? Uh, c-could a boy produce tears this big? [ Sobs ] Huh?
05:07
She thinks Etan's more of a man than me.
05:11
You know what I think? I think a man doesn't sit around pouting.
05:14
A Man doesn't get sad, Steve. A man gets— - Even!
05:18
Oh, I was gonna say a chocolate Lab puppy.
05:20
I'm already sick of it. Can you walk it?
05:22
There's no reason you can't walk it and get even. - Wait, I know.
05:26
Etan cares about his bar mitzvah more than anything, right?
05:29
And what do kids get for bar mitzvahs? Gifts and lots of 'em.
05:33
[Snaps Fingers ] - Say no more!
05:35
Okay, say more. I don't— I actually don't know where this is going.
05:39
Etan took what was precious to me, so now I'm gonna take what's precious to him.
05:43
That's right. I'm gonna rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah! [ Yelps ] - Oh, my God.
05:48
[ 60s Lounge Latin]
05:58
Etan took what was precious to me...
06:01
so now I'm going to take what's precious... to him.
06:09
Are you going to achieve that by rob-bing—
06:13
[ Listlessly ] Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
06:16
Okay, we got it. [ Exhales ]
06:19
Great job, everyone. Great job.
06:21
I just get paid the most by far, but you all make it work.
06:30
All right, Roger. I finished my research...
06:32
and devised the perfect plan to rob Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah.
06:35
And once Debbie sees him freak out over losin' his precious gifts...
06:39
she'll realize that He's the little boy.
06:41
She'll be so turned off, she'll come runnin' back to me. - The fat one.
06:46
You're still trying to win back the fat one. - Right.
06:48
Now, I analyzed blueprints of the ballroom...
06:50
and watched every heist movie from The Apple Dumpling Gang to Ocean's Twelve.
06:54
-[ Groans ] - I know. Don't even get me started...
06:57
on the whole "Julia Roberts playing Julia Roberts" thing.
06:59
I-it wasn't even a little wink to the audience.
07:02
It was a huge plot point. - I know!
07:04
Anyway, the planning stage is over.
07:07
Time to assemble my crew. - I'm in.
07:09
Sorry, but my plan requires a crack squad of professionals— starting with a getaway driver.
07:15
A wheel man? I Know the perfect guy: Lucius Mayweather.
07:19
He hustles eight ball out of a bar in East Langley.
07:27
Are you Lucius Mayweather? - Who wants to know?
07:30
Roger? Wh-What the hell? - Roger? No. Lucius.
07:34
You must be the white boy lookin' for a wheel man. I'm in.
07:37
For God's sakes, I'm assembling my own crew.
07:40
That cracker's got a crack in his head, if you ask me.
07:45
[ Ball Bounces, Hits Floor ] - You hustlin' me, boy?
07:48
[ Steve Narrating ] in order for my plan to work...
07:51
I need the world's greatest computer hacker...
07:53
the world's best demolitions expert...
07:55
and the world's most flexible contortionist
07:57
Unfortunately, I wouldn't know how to begin to get ahold of them.
08:00
Which leaves me with you three. Barry, Toshi, you know my Uncle Roger.
08:04
[Speaking Japanese ] - Yeah, on my mom's side.
08:09
Wait. Why isn't Snot here? - Snot's too close to Etan. He'd never betray him.
08:13
But don't worry. Snot will have a role to play before this is over.
08:18
Oo-ooh.
08:19
Okay. This is the layout of the ballroom.
08:22
And this is where Etan's gift table will be.
08:24
Roger, your job will be to tell Etan that someone's trying to steal his gifts.
08:29
That's crazy. - Trust me.
08:31
This plan has more twists and turns than Lombard Street.
08:36
You know, from San Francisco?
08:39
Ah. - Ah. - Yep, I've been there.
08:42
Now, Roger, you'll be posing as a waiter.
08:45
A waiter? [ Liltingly ] Cli-ché!
08:47
No. I'll be Ernest Schlumple, Etan's long-lost great-uncle.
08:50
When the Nazis annexed Alsace-Lorraine in 1940, Ernest fled to Mykonos...
08:55
where he invented a kosher lubricant that tastes like whitefish salad but—
08:58
You're playing a waiter. - But I've been developing my Alsace-Lorraine-Mykonos accent.
09:02
You're not doing an accent. - Oh, yeah?
09:07
Ah, you son of a bitch, you know I'm not a fighter.
09:12
What are you doing? - Practicing stirring.
09:14
Well, you better start practicing your cell phone pitch...
09:17
because next week we have a meeting with Global Mobile!
09:20
My God, it's happening. It's really happening! - It's happening, all right—
09:25
unlike that catchphrase I tried to start: "Nuh-uh to your uh-huh."
09:29
[ Snickers, Laughs ] I'm... a fan.
09:33
[ Kettledrum Roll]
09:36
[Announcer ] Ladies and gentlemen, goys and girls...
09:39
Etan Cohen welcomes you to...
09:42
maturity. - [Crowd Gasps ]
09:45
[ "Walk Like a Man" ]
09:50
[ Crowd Gasps ] - [Ends ] - Welcome!
09:52
Drop your gifts on the gift table and your pants on the dance floor.
09:56
-I'm talkin' to you, Aunt Rose. - [Laughter ]
09:58
Have fun, everyone! - [Applause, Fades ]
10:04
Steve, what are you doing here? -I'm Barry's "plus one."
10:07
Mazel tov, Etan. - Thanks, Bubbe judy.
10:10
So glad you could make it. Special day for us all.
10:13
Stick around. I'm happy to share a little bit of... maturity with you.
10:17
Come on, Barry. Let's go drop off your gift.
10:22
Wow. This is gonna put my bar mitzvah to shame.
10:25
The only decorations I have are the police tape left over from my uncle's murder.
10:36
Hello, Debbie. Shall we dance? - Disco intro]
10:39
I don't think so, Steve.
10:41
Come on. Old times?
10:48
[Man] ~ it's fun to stay at the YM.CA.,
10:52
♪ Continues ] - I didn't know you danced.
10:55
I do a lot of things now— adult things.
10:57
Gave myself a prostate exam this morning...
11:00
right after I drank a big cup of coffee.
11:02
Next time I'll reverse the order. - Continues ]
11:10
Ah, thanks, Uncle Howie.
11:14
Excuse me, sir, but when I was in the bathroom...
11:16
I overheard a boy saying he was gonna steal your gifts.
11:19
What? Who? -I couldn't see.
11:21
I pee sitting down because of my joints.
11:30
If I was gonna steal my gifts, how could I possibly do it?
11:36
[Man] ~ it's fun to stay at the YM.CA.,
11:39
♪ Continues ] - You're only spelling "A" and "C."
11:42
I-I'm signaling the deejay to play more adult contemporary.
11:46
For young men to enjoy
11:48
You can hang out with all the boys
11:50
Continues oop,
11:55
looks like we got a request for some adult contemporary. - [ Fades ]
12:01
[Applause ] - a' [ Soft Rock, Slow]
12:03
[ Crowd Groans ] - [ Soft Rock, Different Song ]
12:07
[All Groaning, Sighing ] - [ Ends ] - [Applause ]
12:11
Okh! Why is it so hot? - "Hava nagila" etan, ]
12:14
you've been standing here staring at your presents the whole party. Come and dance.
12:18
No! Someone is trying to steal them. - What?
12:21
Come on. It's the chair dance. - Continues fine.
12:36
Continues ] - [Crowd Applauding, Cheering ]
12:51
[ Gasps ] The vent! That's how they're gonna steal them.
12:55
[Gasps ] It's happening. [-I-it's happening!
12:58
L-Let me down! They're stealing my presents.
13:02
Stops ] -[ High-pitched Screaming ] They're stealing my presents!
13:10
[ Steve Narrating ] See, thanks to Roger, Etan will think...
13:13
someone's trying to steal the gifts on the cart.
13:15
But that's just a misdirection. The real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.
13:20
[ Whispers ] Scams make me so horny.
13:23
[ Steve Narrating ] All party long, Etan's relatives will be handing him...
13:26
bar mitzvah cards, each filled with cash, checks...
13:30
and written sentiments that have no monetary worth but are emotionally valuable.
13:34
What's gotten into you? No one is trying to steal your gifts.
13:39
Hey! - Oh, God. Sorry, Snot.
13:41
Steve, I have to wear this to my bar mitzvah!
13:44
Okay, okay. Th-Then we'll get it to the cleaners right away.
13:48
Have the valet pull our bikes around. I'll be out in a second.
13:52
[Deejay] Attention. i'm no longer accepting requests...
13:55
for "Brick House." - What the—
14:00
Stop him! Stop Steve Smith! - [ Crowd ] Huh? Huh?
14:04
Etan, what are you doing?
14:06
Your old boyfriend stole my bar mitzvah money. - What?
14:10
The presents were just a clever ruse. He was after the money the whole time.
14:14
Aha! All Gasp ]
14:18
This is a card saying that Steve Smith...
14:20
has paid for a tree to be planted in Israel in your name.
14:23
[ All] Aw.
14:28
[ Steve Narrating ] What no one will know is that Etan's money...
14:31
will already have left the ballroom...
14:34
on someone who doesn't even realize it.
14:38
And I'll sneak the money off Snot before he ever knows.
14:42
It's the perfect plan.
14:44
Oh, good. Steve, you're still here.
14:46
That is, unless Snot returns for some reason and blows the whole thing.
14:49
Hey, am I crazy, or does this stain look like El Vez, the Mexican Elvis?
14:54
The cards. He stole them! - [ Crowd Gasps ]
14:58
Of course! You couldn't stand that my bar mitzvah...
15:01
Is a million times more awesome than your crummy one's gonna be...
15:04
so you tried to ruin it!
15:06
[Roger Narrating ] And what Steve won't know is that I have my own plan.
15:10
While everyone's focused on Snot, I'll be heading to the bathroom...
15:14
to share a doobie with the busboy in exchange for an angry "Handy }."
15:24
Everyone thinks Snot stole Etan's money. We have to come clean.
15:28
We can't. We're in too deep. Shh. Here he comes.
15:32
[ Girl ] Boo.
15:34
Stealing from a bar mitzvah? Totes inappropes.
15:37
That's for robbing Etan's bar mitzvah.
15:40
But you're skinheads. You hate Jews. - What? No.
15:44
We're the Lex Luthor Fan Club. They're the skinheads.
15:50
I still don't understand how Etan's cards got in my jacket.
15:54
Uh, it's a mystery all right.
15:56
Don't worry, pal. Let's look to the future. How's your bar mitzvah coming?
16:00
He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. - [Crowd Gasps ]
16:03
Because I'm taking him before the beit din. - I don't Know what that is.
16:09
Yeah, I may have gasped too soon. - I know I gasped too soon.
16:12
Beit din? Wh-What's that?
16:14
The Beit din is a council of three Jewish elders from a temple...
16:17
which rules on matters of justice.
16:19
Yours really is a rich and fascinating tradition which we despise.
16:23
Once the Beit din hears what you did...
16:25
not only will they kick you out of our temple, no other temple will take you.
16:31
You'll never be bar mitzvahed— doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days...
16:35
as a child!
16:38
The rest of my days as a child?
16:40
[ Speaking Japanese ]
16:47
Shh. [ Speaking Japanese ]
17:00
How'd the pitch go? They didn't buy it, huh?
17:03
We... never made it there. - What?
17:06
I must have written down the wrong address.
17:08
We ended up at an abandoned warehouse where some thugs took my wallet...
17:11
held your mother down and made her watch while they kissed my neck—
17:14
-I'm sorry. I-i can't do this. - [Whispers ] Just say your line.
17:17
No! Forget it. My story makes no sense.
17:20
We have a cell phone idea, but we never get to pitch it because we get lost.
17:24
You know what? If someone wants to explain this garbage to me...
17:27
I'll be in my trailer using this script to wipe my—
17:29
[ 60s Lounge Latin]
17:39
Now Snot may never get bar mitzvahed, and it's my fault.
17:42
All because you refused to do the heist my way.
17:45
How would you doing a goofy accent have changed anything? - We'll never know now, will we?
17:50
There's only one way to save Snot's manhood.
17:52
I have to tell everyone the truth.
17:55
Debbie. Uh, what a surprise.
17:57
So, h-how's it goin'? - Not so good.
17:59
-I'm pretty hungry. - Oh.
18:01
And I broke up with Etan. - You— You did?
18:04
What Snot did was unforgivable, but Etan's behavior proved he's not a man at all.
18:09
[Man On PA. ] Three large pizzas with everything.
18:11
Oh, that's for me. But... let's hang out sometime.
18:15
Uh, there was supposed to be a calzone with this.
18:18
Did you hear that, Roger? - How Debbie didn't say hi to me? No, I didn't.
18:21
My plan is actually working. I think she might want to get back together.
18:26
Oh, but she won't if she knows I'm the one who tried to rob Etan.
18:29
So now I can't tell the truth to help Snot. - Look. If you wanna save Snot...
18:33
the beit din has to be convinced he deserves another chance.
18:36
You need to find an expert on Jewish law to defend him.
18:39
Where am I gonna find an expert on Jewish law?
18:42
You really have to ask me that?
18:44
Herschel Hirshbaum for the defense. - [Sighs ]
18:48
Don't you worry, kid. I'll win this for ya.
18:51
We'll get your foreskin cut off all right. - What?
18:53
This council will come to order.
18:56
The accuser will state his case.
18:58
Your Honors, our noble tribe has spent millennia...
19:02
devising a formidable code of ethics.
19:05
Snot spit on that code when he tried to steal from me!
19:09
I demand his expulsion from this temple...
19:12
and that you strip him of his upcoming bar mitzvah ceremony!
19:15
[ Quietly ] Thank you. - Very well.
19:17
Does the defense have a rebuttal?
19:19
[ Chuckling ]
19:21
Ethics he wants to talk about? [ Scoffs ]
19:24
Jewish history is a history of unethical conduct.
19:28
First, the Pharisees killed Jesus Christ, the only true son of God.
19:32
Oh, boy. - And isn't it true...
19:34
that the Jews put a "secret sauce" on their Reubens...
19:37
that is actually just Thousand Island?
19:40
And who shot Gianni Versace? Was it a Jew? I don't know. It was in Miami.
19:46
All right! Enough of this meshuggaas.
19:49
Snot, you are hereby banished from this temple...
19:52
and will never be bar mitzvahed.
19:54
No! - My bill. Just so you're not shocked when you open it...
19:58
this big hat was a lot.
20:01
I'm doomed! [ Sobs Loudly ]
20:04
Wait! Snot had nothing to do with stealing Etan's gifts.
20:09
It was me. I did it. - [Others Gasp ]
20:11
What? - Snot knew nothing about it.
20:14
I planted those envelopes on him.
20:16
I did it to get back at Etan for stealing my girlfriend.
20:19
[ Gasps ] I'm not surprised.
20:21
Steve, how could you?
20:24
If that is the case, young man, then Snot may indeed have his bar mitzvah ceremony.
20:30
Debbie, wait. [ Moans ]
20:32
Snot, I'm sorry. - "Sorry" doesn't cut it, Steve.
20:35
Look. I already lost my girlfriend. I can't lose my best friend.
20:39
I promise I'll make it up to you.
20:41
How could you ever make it up to me?
20:43
[ Dance, With Sampled Voices ] ~ Captain's log, Captain's log, Ca-Ca-Captain's log
20:46
♪ ♪ Is illogical, is illogical That, sir, is illogical
20:49
Steve, this is amazing. But how could you afford all this?
20:53
I had a garage sale and sold all my toys. Guy's gotta grow up sometime.
21:01
[In Foreign Accent ] Hello, Snot. I'm Ernest Schlumple...
21:03
your long-lost relative from Alsace-Lorraine by way of Mykonos.
21:10
Wait, how'd I get here? I think I'm cracked in the head.
21:47
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
