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It tastes like mint, and sometimes I find food.
S05E15 Wife Insurance
11:16 – 11:19
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Previous line
I went in Hayley's room. I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth.
Next line
But what about Hayley's Shuffle? - I don't know!
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Transcript
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA. Glock
00:34
nine-millimeter. - Check.
00:36
Kevlar vest. - Check.
00:38
What you do to yourself before you wreck yourself. - Check.
00:40
Oh, Stan. I hate it when you go on these dangerous missions.
00:44
Honey, it's just a two-day surveillance job.
00:46
Trust me. I'll be back in time for Valentine's Day...
00:49
when I'll take you out for a disappointing set-menu dinner...
00:51
at the Macaroni Grill.
00:56
For a meeting between wealthy arms dealers, this sure is boring.
01:00
I thought they'd at least have a band or... juggling.
01:03
Juggling is amazing.
01:05
Yeah, this is a snooze fest.
01:08
I should be rolling in the sheets with Lana from Accounting right now.
01:11
Lana? Thought she was a lesbian.
01:13
[ Chuckles ] She was.
01:15
Wow. Jim, your ability with the ladies never ceases to amaze me.
01:18
What can I say? I love women.
01:20
This might make me sound like a wuss...
01:22
but I get off when they get off.
01:24
Oh, come on! -I mean It.
01:26
That's why I took that class on sexual energy.
01:29
Now I can make a woman quiver just by looking at her the right way.
01:32
Which way? First boobs, then face, then butt?
01:35
N-No. I mean— Wait. Something's happening.
01:38
[Stan] The guards are on the move.
01:42
But to where? - [ Knocking ]
01:49
[ Speaking Spanish ]
01:53
[ Male Announcer On TV ] Now back to tex and Mex.
01:58
Hoo-wee! Thanks to some good detective work by me...
02:02
and, to a lesser extent, my partner, Mexican Joey...
02:05
the bikini thief is finally headed to jail.
02:08
[ Exaggerated Accent ] I guess that only leaves one mystery.
02:10
Who ate my sopaipilla? - [All Laugh ]
02:13
Wow! Tex and Mex did it again.
02:16
Nothing more satisfying than solvin' a case.
02:19
Has anyone seen my Shuffle? I can't find it anywhere.
02:21
A treasured item gone missing. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
02:25
Yeah. Sounds like a case for—
02:27
[ Together ] Wheels and the Legman!
02:31
[ Roger, Steve Humming Theme ]
02:36
Continues ]
02:44
[ Ends ]
02:48
Huh? - You know, Wheels and the Legman—
02:51
the detective duo we created.
02:53
I'm Wheels, and Roger's the Legman.
02:55
We've been looking for a case, but now it appears...
02:57
that case... found us.
03:00
Eh? - Eh.
03:01
Eh? - Eh.
03:03
Eh? - Stop that!
03:05
Look, if you see my Shuffle, let me know.
03:07
There is, madam, the small matter of our fee.
03:10
Twenty dollars a day, plus expenses.
03:12
Or that half a turkey sandwich you left in the fridge.
03:14
That's Dad's. - We have a deal then.
03:33
[ Gasps ] - [ Orchestra Swells ]
03:35
[Stops ] - Why so sad, Mrs. Smith?
03:38
It's me, Scott, from Langley Flag and Boot Cleaning.
03:41
Oh. - Say hi to your husband. He's my best customer.
03:45
[ Gasps ] Stan's boss.
03:47
Francine, I have bad news.
03:50
[ Sobbing ] - [ Orchestra Swells ]
03:53
[Stops ] - My car broke down two blocks from here.
03:55
And it's just off warranty. - That's the bad news?
03:58
Well, actually, there's more.
04:00
Father Carrington?
04:02
[ Sobbing ] No! - [ Orchestra Swells ]
04:05
Mrs. Smith, there's no easy way to say this...
04:07
So I'm just going to be direct. - Oh, dear God!
04:09
I was caught having sex with a man, and I'm being excommunicated.
04:12
What about Stan? - Nope. I don't believe Stan has had sex with Father Carrington.
04:18
Also, we lost communications with Stan 12 hours ago.
04:22
[Sobbing ] - I'm trained for this. Step aside, please.
04:27
[Whimpering ] - [Softly] There, there.
04:32
[ Sobbing ] We're gonna die!
04:36
I just know it. I just really do.
04:38
Stay cool, Stan. We've been trained for this.
04:40
I know, but I forget. [ Sobbing ]
04:44
There's gotta be a way out of here.
04:46
You are relieved.
04:49
I think our luck just changed.
04:52
[ Squish ]
04:59
if it's true don't leave me all alone out here
05:03
Wonderin' if you're ever gonna take me there
05:06
tell me what you're feelin' 'cause I need to know
05:10
Girl, you gotta let me know
05:15
[ Gasps, Quivers ]
05:19
[ Both Moaning ]
05:26
[Woman ] Halt! - Don't shoot.
05:30
Which way to go 'cause I need to know
05:33
I need to know
05:35
tell me, baby girl 'cause I need to know
05:41
[ Swoons ]
05:45
[ Both Moaning ]
05:48
[ Woman] isí! Isí!
05:51
Oh, just go.
05:56
All right, Wheels, this is the last place Hayley saw her Shuffle.
05:59
Search her dresser for clues. i'll take the closet.
06:02
Careful! - Sorry. I'm a little rusty using the chair.
06:05
[ Yelps, Groans ]
06:08
[ Whimpering ]
06:15
Just use your legs! - We can't break character.
06:17
Aw, for cryin' out loud! - No, no, no, no, no—
06:20
I did it! [ Gasps ] Look.
06:23
A butt-print on Hayley's bedspread.
06:27
Way too big to be Hayley's.
06:29
There are only two people who could leave a print that big.
06:32
[ Sniffing ]
06:34
Well, it's not Travolta, so it's gotta be Barry.
06:39
[ Crying, Sniffling ] Mama.
06:41
Stan went on a mission, and he's been missing for five days.
06:45
[ Crying ] What's that in the background?
06:49
You're at a movie?
06:51
Well, go in the lobby. You're being rude.
06:54
[Brakes Screech ]
07:03
Oh! I thought I'd never see you again.
07:05
There, there, Francine. I promised I'd be home in time...
07:08
to take you out for a romantic Valentine's dinner.
07:11
-Mmm! -Mmm!
07:13
If! I smell at all like sex, it's because of Jim.
07:15
I was on his heels as he porked our way through 200 miles of jungle.
07:20
His hips never stopped moving. It was magnificent.
07:23
[ Gasping ] Stan, you're crushing me.
07:25
It's almost over.
07:27
[ Piano: Romantic ]
07:29
Sorry I didn't have time to get you a Valentine's Day present.
07:33
Just having you home safe is the only present I need.
07:36
Aw, Francine, you know I'll always come back.
07:39
I know. But sometimes I think about if you didn't. And you know what?
07:44
I think that would be it for the romantic part of my life.
07:48
And that'd be fine because I would have known my soul mate...
07:53
my one true love.
07:56
That's more than most people ever get.
07:58
And the memory of our love would be enough to sustain me...
08:02
for the rest of my days alone.
08:04
How about you? What would you do if I died?
08:08
Oh, I'd marry Meg Penner, my backup wife.
08:18
Meg Penner?
08:20
Wait. Dr. Penner, our dentist?
08:23
Exactly. That's who I would marry next. She's my backup.
08:26
Like that extra pair of underwear I keep in the car...
08:28
just in case.
08:30
You already know who you want to marry after I'm dead?
08:34
It's nothing formal. Meg and I were talking during one of my routine cleanings.
08:37
The subject came up, and we decided that, if our spouses die...
08:40
we'll marry each other.
08:42
Wait. Dr. Penner knows about this?
08:45
Francine, listen to yourself.
08:47
How crazy would it be to plan a backup marriage...
08:49
without alerting the backup bride?
08:51
I mean, that would— that would just be weird.
08:56
Are you in love with Meg Penner?
08:58
What? No. No, I'm not in love with her.
09:00
Are you sleeping with her? - Of course not.
09:02
Then why are you making all these plans with her?
09:05
Oh, baby. Baby, you must have misheard me or misunderstood me.
09:08
It-it was probably my fault. [ Clears Throat ]
09:11
None of this happens until you are dead.
09:19
Stan, I want you to break off this crazy arrangement with Dr. Penner.
09:23
I'm not dead, and I don't like you arranging my replacement as if I were.
09:27
No. You're making a big deal out of nothing.
09:29
It's not nothing. Not to a woman at least.
09:33
You think Dr. Penner's approaching this as Casually as you are?
09:36
Probably. She's pretty casual.
09:38
She wears Crocs around the office.
09:40
Look, Francine, they say men who are happily married...
09:43
usually get remarried right away.
09:45
So this is actually a huge compliment to you.
09:49
There's your Valentine's Day present.
09:51
Your present is that observation.
09:53
[ Kiss ]
09:58
We know you were in the victim's room on the day in question, Barry.
10:01
This is the room where I sleep in my house. - Don't get smart with me.
10:05
You wanna do this the hard way, that's fine. I invented "the hard way."
10:09
What do you think you're doing? -I'm playing bad cop.
10:11
You know— good cop, bad cop. - Yeah, but I'm the bad cop.
10:14
Roger, I'm the one in the wheelchair.
10:16
I'm bitter about my fate and constantly in pain...
10:18
from the one-eyed serial killer's bullet lodged in my spine.
10:21
I'm bad cop. - No, no.
10:23
Your accident humbled you and made you grateful for every day you're alive.
10:26
You're good cop. - I'm bad cop!
10:28
You don't have the guts. I can "bad cop" better than you in my sleep.
10:32
Oh, yeah? - Yeah!
10:34
-[ Yelps ] - You wanna go to jail, double stuff?
10:36
Oh, the boys will love you in there.
10:38
They won't leave one fat fold unviolated. -[Whimpers ]
10:42
-[ Yelping ] - Still won't talk?
10:44
Maybe I'll reach out to a buddy of mine— dirty cop, owes me a favor.
10:47
In two hours, I can have a dead baby stuffed with heroin planted in your mom's car.
10:51
Is that what you want, wide load? -[ Yelps ]
10:54
-[ Yelping, Whimpering ] - Put out your hands.
10:56
I made heavy pants. - I said put out your hands!
11:00
You got real pretty hands, fat boy. -[ Yelps ]
11:03
Now I'm gonna make you eat 'em! -[ Screeches ]
11:06
God, Roger! All right, all right. You can be bad cop.
11:10
Thank you. That's all I wanted to hear. - I confess!
11:12
I went in Hayley's room. I like to put her toothbrush in my mouth.
11:16
It tastes like mint, and sometimes I find food.
11:19
But what about Hayley's Shuffle? - I don't know!
11:23
I was just eating toothbrush corn. Then the fish scared me away.
11:26
[ Together ] Klaus!
11:30
Wow! Lookin' good.
11:33
Doesn't she?
11:35
Jim? Wait. What are you doing here? - Didn't I tell you?
11:37
[ Giggles ] Can you get my back, J-dog?
11:39
Oh, Jim's my backup husband. - What?
11:42
I'm honored. I mean, I'll be sleeping with your wife someday.
11:45
That makes us like brothers or something.
11:47
Would you excuse us for a minute, Jim?
11:49
Sure. I'll just go do my tai chi.
11:53
Francine, I see what you're doin' here...
11:55
but I never laid around the pool having Meg Penner rub lotion on me.
11:58
No. You just laid around her office for the last 10 years...
12:01
letting her finger-bang your mouth.
12:04
I'm just making up for lost time.
12:10
Francine! - Oh, I Know why you're upset.
12:14
Baby, none of this happens till you're dead.
12:17
Oh, God, Jim. Your niece's piano recital. - [ Gasps ]
12:20
Grab the cupcakes, and let's go.
12:28
[Sighs ] - Damn
12:30
You see what homeboy was packin' in his Speedo?
12:33
I mean, I can't relax.
12:35
I'm in an inner tube in a pool with a drink, and I can't get right.
12:39
Reginald? What are you doing here?
12:41
I just got back from a C.I.A. mission.
12:44
'Cause, you know, sometimes I be on missions.
12:47
Sometimes I just be hangin' out here at the house.
12:49
But more importantly...
12:51
what's up with Prince Walnuts rubbing lotion on your wife?
12:54
You better handle your business.
12:57
Yeah. Guess I gotta break up with Meg Penner tomorrow.
12:59
Eh, it's probably for the best.
13:02
Man, I hate ending relationships.
13:04
Took me six months to fire the gardener...
13:06
after I found out he was taking pictures of Steve while he was asleep.
13:09
You know, I didn't hear a word you said.
13:11
I'm still thinkin' about Johnny Snow Globes over there.
13:14
I mean, is that even attractive?
13:16
Like, is it something you advertise...
13:18
or-or something you just keep to yourself?
13:23
Oh, for the last time, I wasn't in Hayley's room.
13:26
I was here reading a great new article about hip dysplasia.
13:29
Barry says different, which means...
13:31
something about your story seems... Fishy.
13:35
What was that? - A Wisecrack. I'm cracking wise.
13:38
No way! You can't be bad cop and do the wisecracks.
13:41
I'm doing the wisecracks.
13:43
Klaus, you're gonna face the scales of Lady justice.
13:48
We know you're "gill-ty."
13:50
Like it or not, fish, you're on the Hook for this one.
13:53
Your days of crime are "h-2-over."
13:56
That doesn't even make sense! - Fish live in water!
13:59
Enough! I confess.
14:01
Just, please, no more puns.
14:03
I knew he was lying. There hasn't been a good article on hip dysplasia in years.
14:07
Look, I did go into Hayley's room.
14:09
I use her toothbrush to scrape algae from the inside of my bowl.
14:13
But I didn't steal anything.
14:15
Is that a red hair?
14:17
ja. I've been tangled in it since I was in Hayley's room.
14:21
We found our next clue.
14:23
Looks like this case is getting a little Hairy.
14:27
You proud of that?
14:29
You proud of that sentence you just said?
14:35
Stan. What are you doing here? You have an appointment?
14:38
No, but you're about to have a disappointment.
14:41
Meg, I've gotta break things off. You can't be my backup wife.
14:44
What? Oh, that?
14:46
Oh, for heaven sakes, I thought that was some kind of a joke.
14:48
And the ego goes into defense mode.
14:53
Amazing how the human brain works, isn't it?
14:55
Stan, uh— - She keeps sayin' my name.
14:58
You got it bad, Meg.
15:00
You just need to turn around and walk away. - But this is my office.
15:03
Good, good. Throw yourself into your work.
15:05
Now, listen, I'm gonna leave, but, um—
15:08
These little love notes— Mm-mmm, Meg, no more of these.
15:12
That's an appointment card. I send them to all my patients.
15:15
[ Laughing ] O-Okay, Megan.
15:19
Now, I know it won't be easy, but try to forget about me.
15:22
Do something nice for yourself. Get a massage.
15:24
Go-— Go have salad with the girls.
15:27
But if you just can't stop thinking about this gorgeous mug...
15:30
well, maybe this will help.
15:32
[ Shouting Gibberish ]
15:34
You're welcome.
15:36
[ Loud Whirring ]
15:38
[ Shouting Over Whirring ] So, since I went ahead and broke up with my backup wife...
15:42
you don't need to carry on with Francine's little "backup husband revenge" thing.
15:46
You mean just pretend like this never happened? - Right.
15:50
That's a big emotional negatory.
15:52
I'm sorry? - No can do.
15:55
I'm in love with your wife!
15:57
What? - She's sexy, she's funny.
16:01
My niece loves her.
16:03
My niece is very important to me.
16:06
Jim, I'm sorry, but she's a happily married—
16:09
[ Screaming ]
16:11
Not anymore!
16:14
Oh! What the fuck!
16:16
Stan! Stan!
16:19
Oh! You lost your damn mind, Jim?
16:22
That was Stan! You just killed Stan!
16:25
Stan! Stan!
16:28
All right. What's done is done. Can't change it now.
16:31
Reggie just gotta keep movin'.
16:38
[ Screaming ]
16:40
And so, on behalf of the Guinness Book of World Records...
16:44
I, Lady Carolyn Gilbert-Lawson...
16:46
congratulate Achmed Asadi for making the world's biggest falafel.
16:51
[Screaming ]
16:54
[ Crowd Gasps, Murmurs ]
16:57
You're a fraud, Asadi!
16:59
I just wanted to impress Zamira.
17:01
She is so beautiful.
17:05
[Whirring ]
17:10
Hey, lady, is that your hot-air balloon?
17:13
I need a ride back to the States. - I'm sorry.
17:15
But that balloon is for official Guinness business only.
17:18
What if! I told you we'd set the record...
17:20
for most spontaneous cross-Atlantic hot-air balloon trip?
17:23
I'm sorry, sir. I can't.
17:24
What if! I told you I'm about to set the record...
17:26
for shooting a woman in the face the most times in a row?
17:29
Alejandro! Fire up the balloon!
17:32
[ Burner Whooshes ]
17:38
Hayley, we worked all day, and we figured everything out. - Really?
17:42
Yeah. I'm good cop, and Roger's bad cop.
17:44
I make the wisecracks, but Roger can be sarcastic...
17:47
as long as it's not too shticky.
17:49
I get to have the troubled past, but Steve always gets the girl.
17:51
Unless she's a bad guy, in which case Roger gets her...
17:54
so she can betray him, leading to a gunfight on the roof of an opera house.
17:57
Or a theater. - Yeah, or a theater.
17:59
What the hell are you talking about? Where's my Shuffle?
18:01
Your what now? - That was the whole point of this.
18:04
You were supposed to find my ipod Shuffle. Remember?
18:07
Oh, is that what a Shuffle is? I did not realize.
18:10
Yeah, I took that. - What? - What?
18:12
I was in Hayley's room using her toothbrush...
18:14
to scrub the bird poo out of my red wig.
18:16
What? Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
18:18
Can I finish my story, please?
18:20
Anyway, I took your ipod from the dresser for a variety of complex reasons...
18:24
the most important of which was that it was shiny.
18:26
I erased all your music and filled it with ABBA.
18:29
Don't really care for them, but I did it anyway.
18:31
So that explains the red hair we found in Klaus's bowl.
18:34
I guess it wasn't just a red "hairing."
18:37
Nice pun work, Wheels. - Thanks, Legman.
18:40
The puns are there in the marble. I just have to chisel 'em out.
18:44
Free them from the marble. - Yeah.
18:46
Do you need something?
18:48
[ Burner Whooshing ]
18:51
Thanks. Why do you travel like this, Alejandro?
18:54
I'll tell you why, Stan.
18:56
Will you put me in the record book...
18:59
as the happiest man alive by becoming Mrs. Lady Carolyn Gilbert-Lawson Rojas?
19:05
Yes, Alejandro! A million times yes!
19:09
-Mmm! [ Whooshing ]
19:12
Car Door Opens, Closes ]
19:16
- You! [ Shouts ]
19:18
[ Both Grunting ]
19:21
[Lady Carolyn, Alejandro Screaming ]
19:32
[ Groans ] Francine! Help!
19:34
Um, I'm dealing with a little problem of my own.
19:38
[ Shotgun Loads ]
19:39
Meg! What are you doing? -[Grunting ]
19:41
We're gonna be together— like we planned.
19:44
-[ Groans ] - No. We broke up. Remember?
19:47
I know. No, I know. And, look, I really tried to play it cool, but—
19:51
But the truth is you were right. I love you.
19:55
And my heart has a cavity that only you can fill.
19:58
Wow. That is clever... and super crazy.
20:04
Oh, Stan, this is all my fault. [ Grunts ]
20:08
I was jealous, so I tried to make you jealous.
20:14
No. It's my fault. -[ Groans ]
20:16
There's a lot of things you should make backup plans for, but—
20:19
love isn't one of them.
20:21
Oh, Stan, that's beautiful.
20:24
[ Francine Yelps ] - [ Both Grunting ]
20:31
My tooth!
20:34
I can put a crown on for you.
20:35
I'm not going to you anymore.
20:37
Good luck getting your X-rays back, bitch!
20:39
[Gunshot ]
20:43
Nobody shoots my backup husband.
20:46
Oh, Meg. You saved my life.
20:48
I love you. - [ Gasps ]
20:52
-[ Groans ] - Oh, Stan.
20:56
-Mmm! -Mmm!
20:58
-[ Yelps ] - [ Steve ] Ew!
21:00
Just-- Just ew!
21:02
Did we just find another case?
21:04
Are you kidding me? This is gruesome.
21:06
This is like a cable crime. We're network.
21:08
Yeah. No one dies on our show. - Right.
21:11
Let's face it. On our darkest day, we're Scooby-doo.
21:13
Maybe Quincy. - Maybe Quincy.
21:47
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
