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Saving us. Haven't you ever heard of a trouser snake?
S05E16 Delorean Story-an
12:20 – 12:23
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-[Grunting ] - What are you doing?
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I don't think you have that quite— - Shh!
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:36
"Cello," everyone.
00:38
Steve, whoever told you that is funny is not looking out for your best interests.
00:42
Steve, your friend can't stay for dinner.
00:44
This isn't a Stove Top stuffing commercial.
00:46
No, this is my cello. I've been playing it for five years?
00:49
Since you were two? - Dad, I'm 14.
00:51
-I don't think so. - [Sighs ]
00:54
I feel like Dad barely knows me. I just wish we could bond.
00:58
Oh, you're growing into such a sensitive young woman.
01:01
Steve, here's the thing. You have to take some initiative.
01:04
You know, share something with him. - Hmm. Okay.
01:08
Hey, Dad, I'd like to share something with you.
01:12
[I Single Note ]
01:14
That was going nowhere. Mail call!
01:16
Per usual, I opened and read everything. You're welcome.
01:19
Frannie, you got some cleaning coupons 'cause that's what you do...
01:21
and, Klaus, you got nothing because people think you're dead.
01:24
You know, you don't have to say that every time.
01:26
You could just not hand me anything.
01:28
Anything for me? - Yes, you got a nice little package.
01:31
[ Chuckles ] And— And you also got something in the mail.
01:35
Yes! - What is it, Stan?
01:37
Uh— This? In the box? Uh, wrong number.
01:40
Why do people always call during dinner?
01:44
Wait. Dad, don't you want to hear my song?
01:48
Steve, here's your copy of Neglected Child Monthly.
01:51
Kidding, but how perfect would that be?
01:53
You'd be on the cover. [ Laughs ] Crying.
01:58
So I learned something new at cello rehearsal today.
02:01
You see these things right here? They're called f-holes.
02:04
F-holes. [ Laughs ]
02:06
Right? - Hey, there's Dad.
02:10
What's he doing? - Bet he's having an affair...
02:12
with one of those self-storage whores.
02:14
Frannie, pull over. - [ Francine ] Stan?
02:16
Ooh! - What is this?
02:18
I can explain.
02:19
[Choir]
02:21
A DeLorean? [ Gasps ] Are you running coke? - No!
02:25
I get it. We'll talk later. I'm good for half a key.
02:28
Look, I wanted to keep the car a secret till it was done.
02:31
I've been building it piece by piece for the last six years.
02:34
You've been working on this stupid thing for six years?
02:38
You're gonna hate yourself for that when you see it in the right light.
02:40
Why is Dad building a DeLorean?
02:42
Hello? Mcfly? It's the car from Back to the Future!
02:46
-[ Lasers Whirring ] - [ Steve ] It's magnificent!
02:50
Stan, how much did this cost?
02:53
16,000, plus another three G's for the lights and fog machine.
02:56
[ Shouts ] I] What? Stan, you told me we couldn't afford...
02:59
the shoulder surgery I needed!
03:01
All right, calm down. I'm almost done.
03:03
I got the stick shift knob in the mail today.
03:05
All I need now is the passenger gull-wing door, and I am finished—
03:09
six years and $47,000 later.
03:12
[ Shouts ] What? -I mean, whatever number I said before.
03:18
[ Grunting ]
03:22
Francine, I don't want to tell you what you sound like you're doing.
03:26
Pooping. There. Happy? You embarrassed us both.
03:29
I found it! - Found what? Clearly not your inside voice.
03:32
The gull-wing door. The last piece to your DeLorean!
03:36
How? I've looked everywhere. - Craigslist.
03:39
Craigslist? What is that, like Schindler's List?
03:41
Somebody ought to tell Craig the Jews are doing just fine now— excelling even.
03:45
It's a Web site. There's a guy in Albuquerque who's selling the door.
03:48
If you want it, you gotta go get it. It's first come, first serve.
03:51
Then I better get directions. I'll Google Map the nearest Rand Mcnally store.
03:55
Dad, I was thinking maybe you'd want some... company? - Nope!
04:03
Stan, maybe you should take Steve.
04:05
Steve who? Guttenberg?
04:07
Yeah! Now that's a road trip.
04:09
Picking up tail, signing autographs.
04:11
"All the best. Love, Mahoney."
04:14
No, Steve Smith. Your son?
04:16
Ooh. Ouch. Not so sure, babe.
04:18
We don't really connect. We have nothing in common.
04:20
Wh-What would we even talk about?
04:22
Ask him about school. It's the perfect opportunity to bond.
04:26
[ Groans ] I don't know. - Either you take Steve...
04:28
or you sell that DeLorean and get me surgery.
04:31
Fine. Steve, go pack. We leave in five.
04:34
[Steve Shouts, Cackles ]
04:38
There they go. You know what this means, don't ya?
04:42
You bet I do.
04:43
What? What does it mean, Francine?
04:46
I-- I don't know. Sorry.
04:49
That's okay. You were just showing that you were listening.
04:51
It means that with Stan and Steve gone...
04:53
we're gonna have an adventure of our own.
04:55
So let's all come up with three potential escapades...
04:58
and meet in an hour to pitch.
05:01
You know, I'm having fun already.
05:03
am on a lot of prescription pills though.
05:06
Ooh. Is that a story? No. It's an addiction.
05:20
So, school?
05:22
School, school, school.
05:26
You go to school? - Yes.
05:27
Excellent. Have they taught you cursive?
05:30
What? Yes. In third grade.
05:32
Good. You're gonna need that. A lot of business takes place in cursive.
05:41
[ Sighs ]
05:43
So, uh, you have any brothers or sisters?
05:57
Want to play a game? - No. Fun is distracting.
06:00
I Spy isn't very fun. - Fine.
06:04
I spy with my little eye something... big.
06:09
Is it the desert? - Yes!
06:11
You were right. That wasn't fun.
06:15
"Trapeze school"?
06:17
Well, zany outfits, circus food. One of us could really get hurt.
06:21
Could be fun. You see, Hayley, that's how you make the "maybe" pile.
06:25
Shouldn't we do something more meaningful?
06:28
Like what, Hayley?
06:29
Well, you know what would be really fun?
06:32
A lot of Central American children are born with harelips.
06:35
Yes. Freak porn, right? Love it. We rent a camera, go down to Hope Street—
06:38
No, no. We raise money and awareness.
06:41
You know, have fun by doing good.
06:44
You know what? Let's call it for today.
06:46
I thought we were making progress.
06:48
I Know you did. See you tomorrow.
06:56
Check it out. A wallet made of rabbit fur.
06:58
This must be what Indian millionaires use. - Yeah, probably.
07:02
I'm buying this. It's my new everyday wallet.
07:04
I don't use a wallet. I just keep my money loose.
07:07
Oh. You're not, uh— You're not worried about it falling out of your pocket?
07:11
No. No, I'm not.
07:14
[Both Laughing ]
07:17
"How"... does that feel, Son?
07:19
I don't know, Dad. I have some "reservations" about wearing this.
07:24
Ah! - Ah!
07:25
[ Both Laughing ]
07:28
No junk food, Pop. We didn't run the father-son marathon for nothing.
07:32
Yeah, you're right. Hey, Son, peanut me.
07:36
Let's hit the road, you old polecat.
07:44
H-Hey, Dad, how about a healthy snack?
07:46
Sure. - Cottage cheese.
07:52
Uh—Uh-
07:55
Uh, uh— Uh— Uh—
07:59
Uh! Uh. Uh.
08:04
Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh.
08:09
Uh. Uh. Uh, uh, uh.
08:13
Sorry about the cottage cheese.
08:15
Oh, that's all right. You old polecat!
08:18
[ Grunts ]
08:24
[ Creaking ]
08:30
Sorry. I-i-i-- I-- Y-You know—
08:33
Oh-ho-ho, my God.
08:35
Guys, guys, I'm the one who's sorry.
08:38
Those bikes were parked way too close to each other.
08:41
Accident waiting to happen.
08:43
But it's like my tattoo says—
08:52
[ Squeaks ]
09:00
None of our adventure ideas are any good.
09:02
But I still like my idea of putting David Blaine in an airless refrigerator.
09:06
Nah, I hate new-school street magic.
09:08
I like dirty punk magic. I like Criss Angel. He freaks my mind!
09:13
Filthy little mind freaker, that's what he is.
09:16
Hey! "Crash the French ambassador's masquerade ball."
09:20
And it's this Saturday night. See, that's good, Francine.
09:23
Then it's settled. - I think I got it.
09:26
We start a protest newspaper. Eh?
09:29
[ Stifled Laugh ] Home run, Canseco. Newspaper it is.
09:33
Come back to us when you've worked out literally everything.
09:36
Bon voyage, Hayley.
09:38
[ Speaking Gibberish In French Accent ]
09:43
[ Chewing ]
09:46
Whoa!
09:47
[ Pops Loudly ] - Ha! Wow!
09:49
Wanna do one? - I'll just watch. I don't know how.
09:52
You don't know how to blow a bubble?
09:53
And you don't know how to make love to a woman...
09:55
so not everyone knows how to do everything, okay, Steve?
09:57
I'll teach you. Here. Chew.
10:00
[ Chewing ] All right. Now what?
10:02
I want you to flatten that gum out into a sheet.
10:05
[ Chewing ] Okay.
10:07
Now, take that sheet and pretend it's a ghost costume...
10:10
and you're dressing your tongue up to go out trick-or-treatin'.
10:14
All right.
10:16
'Kay. I want you to blow a very gentle channel of air into the ghost costume.
10:24
You're doing it!
10:25
All right, all right. Slow down. Reel it back in.
10:28
Reel it— Reel— Reel it back in! - My eyes!
10:31
-[ Tires Screeching ] - Get it off! Get it off
10:33
Dad! The road! [ Screams ] -[ Horn Honks ]
10:35
[ Screaming Continues ]
10:44
-[ Screams ] - What? What?
10:46
[ Screams ]
10:49
[ Creaking ]
10:51
My heart is beating out of my chest.
10:53
I saw the face of God in that pink sticky.
10:56
Now what? - We need some help.
10:59
You da man.
11:02
Hello, friend. As you can see, we're in a bit of a bind.
11:05
You askew my mirror. - I what now?
11:08
I askew yours. - [Squeaks ]
11:10
There. Balance.
11:13
Yin, yang.
11:16
[ Crash, Explosion ]
11:22
That was not my intent. - [ Car Door Slams ]
11:25
Sayonara, butt-face!
11:27
-[ Tires Squealing ] - [ Both Coughing ]
11:32
Tonight is going to be so much fun.
11:34
I feel like the belle of the ball.
11:36
Yeah, well, I'm the belle of the ball, so you can feel however you want.
11:39
[ Door Opens, Closes ] - [ Gasps ] Hayley!
11:42
You started an adventure without me? Why wouldn't you include me?
11:46
You're no fun. - What? I-I'm fun!
11:49
[ Laughs ] Oh, you— you sweet man-faced girl.
11:53
You're not fun. I was having fun...
11:55
and then I saw you, and my fun went soft.
11:57
Forget you guys! - [ Door Opens, Slams ]
12:00
[ Speaking French ]
12:03
[Speaking French ] -[ French ]
12:06
[ Bird Shrieking ]
12:09
Okay, we still have money. We'll hitchhike to the next town and rent a car.
12:13
We'll still get that door. -[ Hisses ]
12:15
Stay back. No sudden movements. -[ Rattling ]
12:18
-[Grunting ] - What are you doing?
12:20
Saving us. Haven't you ever heard of a trouser snake?
12:23
I don't think you have that quite— - Shh!
12:32
I'll get it.
12:35
Got it. - [ Shrieks ]
12:37
Hey! - [Shrieking Continues ]
12:41
What the hell?
12:47
There's so much crime in the desert!
12:58
Not sure if anyone's gonna pick up a half-naked 42-year-old...
13:01
and his young boy companion.
13:03
Just sayin'. - This is all your fault.
13:05
We're in this whole mess because of you and your stupid bubble gum lesson.
13:08
No. We're in this mess because you punched me into that Asian guy's mirror.
13:11
Well, you practically handed my rabbit wallet to that hawk.
13:14
Ah, this whole trip was a bad idea.
13:17
I thought we could bond. But clearly that's impossible.
13:20
It's not my fault we have nothing in common.
13:22
Sure, we do. We both clearly like Back to the Future.
13:25
What's that? - Back to the Future!
13:28
The classic time-traveling comedy?
13:30
Never heard of it. You know I hate time-based comedies—
13:32
Mannequin 2 being the obvious exception.
13:35
Then why are you building a DeLorean?
13:37
Because I always admired John DeLorean.
13:39
The man had a magnificent chin and a dream—
13:42
to build a car company from the ground up.
13:45
I just wanted to capture a little piece of that magic...
13:48
make something I could be proud of.
13:51
[ Sighs ] I guess it was a stupid dream.
13:54
No, Dad. It's not a stupid dream.
13:57
It's a good dream. And it's your dream.
14:03
And that guy's dream. He's after our door!
14:06
We've got to beat him to it! Come on!
14:15
Son, I've been at the CIA. for 20 years.
14:18
Never ruffled any feathers, always done my job.
14:20
In doing so, I've collected exactly two favors.
14:24
[ Helicopter Overheard ]
14:27
That's one.
14:29
And two.
14:31
[Engine Revving ] - What are you doing? Get in!
14:34
Just a sec. This is gonna be good. - [ Horn Honking ]
14:36
Come on! - Go! Go!
14:45
Yea! [ Laughs ]
14:56
[ Yawns ]
14:59
You gonna be all right if I catch a couple Z's, Pop? Pretty sleepy.
15:02
Go ahead, bud. Don't worry about me.
15:04
I'm fueled by pure adrenaline.
15:06
I'm just gonna rest my eyes.
15:13
[Tires Screech ]
15:19
Hey, look who's up.
15:25
Andy? Oh, my God, Andy!
15:28
Oh— Oh, are you okay? What happened?
15:31
Oh, no. Can you move your neck?
15:33
Oh, God!
15:35
Oh, no, no! I wanted to win, but not like this!
15:38
Oh! We had different approaches, sure, but I always respected the hell out of you.
15:44
[ Voice Breaking ] Oh! My buddy!
15:46
[ Gasps ] Do you know what? [ Sniffs ]
15:49
Do you know what? We are gonna finish this.
15:52
Together. [ Sobs ]
15:55
Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go.
15:58
[ Grunts, Sobbing ]
16:01
Let's go. [ Sobbing ]
16:04
[ Speaking Gibberish In French Accent ]
16:07
Oh, cut it out, Roger. Tonight was a bust.
16:10
We were the only ones in period costumes...
16:13
and your gibberish got me punched in the boob.
16:16
Well, at least we're more fun than Hayley.
16:18
Oh, really? Why don't you open the fridge?
16:24
David Blaine! You used my idea!
16:29
He's dead!
16:31
Oh, my God! He said he could hold his breath!
16:33
I'm sorry. You are fun, Hayley. I'm gonna kick him.
16:38
Criss Angel? You freak my mind, you filthy punk.
16:42
Come see my room.
16:50
[ Beeping ]
16:51
Great Scott. That door is mine!
16:53
I've been looking for it for years!
16:55
I don't know what you're talking about.
16:58
My dad and I are just headed to Santa Fe to sell our unique collection of turquoise jewelry.
17:02
You know, the Navajo believe that turquoise— Floor it, Dad!
17:05
[ 50s Rock]
17:10
We gotta get this DeLorean up to 88 miles an hour.
17:13
[ Gasps ] You did see the movie!
17:15
What? No, I'm just saying, that's as fast as this car goes.
17:18
Not very powerful. Neat looking though.
17:21
[ Tires Squealing ]
17:31
[ Whirring ]
17:41
[ Ends ]
17:44
Take it easy out there, Mr. Smith, Mr. Kerkhoff.
17:46
I mean, what kind of a rush could you two be in?
17:50
You're in time machines. [ Chuckles ] You got all the time you need.
17:53
[ Both Laughing ] -[ Laughing ]
17:56
I don't get it.
17:58
Hey, that's not your DeLorean.
18:00
Oh. Whoops. My mistake.
18:03
Butt-head.
18:08
Thanks. I needed one of these.
18:10
-[ Tires Screech ] - Oh, my God!
18:12
[ Engine Sputtering ] -[ Tires Screeching ]
18:16
I can't win like this. I feel like I'm shaking hands with a cat.
18:20
Get next to him. He's not getting away with this!
18:23
[ Tires Screeching ]
18:29
Steve, the Libyans!
18:38
I believe this belongs to my dad.
18:44
Hey, Son, knob me.
18:52
That was awesome!
18:55
Do not tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car... twice.
18:58
Really. Steve? Look at me. Not a word.
19:05
[Gears Grinding ] - Damn it!
19:11
[ Tires Screech ]
19:14
[ Choir ] -[ Exclaims ]
19:16
You guys here for the desk?
19:18
No, we're here for the DeLorean door.
19:19
You sure? It's a nice desk.
19:21
[ Tires Screech ]
19:23
You here for the desk? - No, I'm here for the door.
19:26
Oh. Well, these two were here first. The door is theirs.
19:31
Woo-hoo! - Yes! I can't believe it! We did it!
19:33
We did it! We won! It's over!
19:35
Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes! Yes! Yes!
19:44
You know what, old stuff? Let him have it.
19:46
What? - What?
19:48
Go ahead. - [ Gasps ] Mmm. Oh, yeah.
19:50
Oh, yes. Mmm. Mmm. [ Kissing ]
19:54
Dad, what are you doing? - See that guy over there dry-humping the door?
19:58
You know where he's going? - No.
20:00
Neither does he. But we know where we're going. To find another door.
20:05
[ Kissing Continues ]
20:08
Don't you see, Son? Finding DeLorean doors is our thing.
20:12
Hey, yeah. I guess it is.
20:15
Course it is, you old polecat.
20:17
[ Screams ]
20:18
[Tires Squeal ]
20:22
Oop. Sorry. Now, to keep our cool factor a 10...
20:25
I'm gonna pull her around, go real slow, and you just hop in when it feels right.
20:28
[ Tires Squeal ]
20:30
[ Grunting ]
20:34
-[ Groans ] -[ Tires Squeal ]
20:36
Oop. Gunned it prematurely. I'm sorry. Hang on.
20:39
Coming back around. Keep the dream alive.
20:42
[ Groans ]
20:44
[ Panting, Grunts ]
20:46
-[ Panting ] - There we go.
20:53
[ Grunting ]
20:55
[ Buzzing ]
20:57
[ Grunting Continues ]
21:00
We- We did it, Andy! W-We did it, old friend!
21:04
[ Sobbing ]
21:07
Oh, my God.
21:09
[ Sobbing ]
21:46
Bye. Have a beautiful time.
