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I have no special purpose.
S05E18 Weiner of Our Discontent
11:56 – 11:58
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I'm not the most important person on Earth.
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Don't say that. There are lots of things to do besides blow up Earth.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Rock And Roll]
00:39
Hey, bucko, that's my seat. - Not anymore.
00:42
See, I'm more important than you. I have got some big stuff going on. Big stuff.
00:47
Now I'm gonna flick your tie.
00:49
You're titillated, aren't you?
00:51
But it's the 50s, and you don't know what to do with those feelings.
00:54
Meet me in the bathroom. i'll drill a hole between the stalls. -[ Whirring ]
00:58
[ Disco]
01:03
Excuse me. I'm gonna take your free game. I'm that important.
01:07
I got some big stuff going on.
01:09
Now, watch me play. I suck, but I do my own sound effects.
01:12
[Imitating Pinball Sounds ] -[ Clacking, Beeping ]
01:17
[Alternative Rock ]
01:19
Refill. -I'm sorry. We don't give refills.
01:23
Oh, I see. You don't know who I am.
01:25
I can't talk about it, but I have got some big stuff going on.
01:28
Now, fill it up. That's right. I'm important.
01:32
[ Slurping ]
01:34
Man, caffeine doesn't affect me at all.
01:38
/can do anything! [Yelling]
01:45
Dinner's almost ready. I'm doing one of Rachael Ray's 30-minute meals.
01:49
But I'm saving 10 minutes by not being all fake and smiley.
01:53
Man, work sucked today.
01:55
I got passed over for the Chávez assassination— again.
01:58
Another assassination season stuck doing inventory with Mitchell.
02:02
[ High Voice ] "Call me Mitch." [ Normal Voice ] Stop trying so hard.
02:04
Anyway, everything will be okay as soon as I have this delicious—
02:08
[ Slurping ] Mmm. Nice.
02:14
Hmm. Ta-da! - Roger!
02:16
Look, Stan, I had a long day too, you know.
02:19
It's exhausting having so much big stuff.
02:22
Big stuff going on. Yes, I know. We've all heard it.
02:24
Well, that's because it's true. I am pretty important. I need this.
02:28
I have a lot going on here on Earth. - You know what? Just stop.
02:31
I am sick to death of you acting like you're the most important person in the world...
02:35
when the truth is— - Oh, here comes the truth from Stan.
02:38
The truth is— - Everybody make way for Stan, coming through with the truth.
02:41
The truth is— - Here's the truth, coming at you live via Stan.
02:44
Roger, shut up! The truth is you're nothing but a worthless sack of fat ass.
02:49
[ Gasps ] - You're lazy, you're a chubbo, you lie, you cheat...
02:51
you eat all our food, you're a drunk, you never wash your wigs...
02:54
but you strut around like you're Mary, Queen of Scots, Brangelina and Jesus all rolled into one.
02:58
Well, you're not. You're a big fat nothing.
03:02
Okay. All right.
03:05
Well, that's it. You did it.
03:08
The real truth is I do have big stuff going on, and here it is.
03:13
-I'm... the Decider. - The Decider?
03:17
I was sent here on a top secret mission...
03:20
to decide if the people of Earth should live or die.
03:23
And what you just said there, you crossed the line, buddy. I've decided.
03:27
[ Laughs ] The Decider? Well-Well-Well, what is that...
03:31
some new Lea Thompson legal thriller on Lifetime?
03:33
Let me guess. She's a judge, she has a hard time dating, she rides her bike to work.
03:37
I've decided, Stan. I'm going to my Fortress of Solitude outside Roswell...
03:42
and sending a message to my people to blow this dump of a planet up.
03:45
You-You're going to Roswell to blow up Earth? Right now?
03:48
Yes. - Great. I'll come along.
03:50
Good. When I bend over to push the button...
03:52
my ass will be the last thing you ever see.
03:55
I'm gonna go brush my teeth, and then we'll go send the signal.
03:58
Because of you, bitch, call your mother and tell her you killed her.
04:00
i'll do that. Thanks. [ Laughing ]
04:03
Stan, come on. You hurt his feelings, so he made some stuff up.
04:08
Don't make Roger go all the way to Roswell...
04:10
just to call him on his baloney.
04:12
Sorry, Francine, but he asked for it.
04:14
I'm tired of him walking around here like he's— like he's King Poop all the time.
04:19
Is that really what you wanted to say? - No.
04:27
Look at me. I'm a walrus. [ Wailing ]
04:31
[ Laughing ]
04:35
Huh. I guess he went to the bathroom to laugh in private.
04:38
No. He went to get his sister. - Oh, hey, Akiko.
04:41
[ Speaking Japanese ]
04:46
Toshi is greatly offended.
04:48
Those chopsticks were carved from the femur of our great-grandmother.
04:51
Yech! Gross!
04:52
[ Speaking Japanese ]
04:57
Until now, Toshi has stoically tolerated your boorish jokes.
05:01
But no more. - Akiko, listen—
05:04
[Shouting In Japanese ] - Do not interrupt!
05:06
[Speaking Japanese ] - Toshi issues a challenge.
05:08
[Japanese ] - You will compete in the arena of your choosing.
05:12
[ Japanese ]
05:16
The loser will switch to the later lunch period...
05:18
so you never have to eat together again.
05:20
[Japanese ] - Unless you care to apologize.
05:24
What? Apologize for being hilarious? Never.
05:28
Very well. Come to our house tomorrow to choose your challenge.
05:34
Anyone else get a boner when Akiko slapped me?
05:39
Uh, me neither. [ Chuckles ] Got to go.
05:41
Hey, you know what's funny? Walking like a gorilla.
05:44
[ Hooting ]
05:49
[jet Engine Roaring ] - Hey.
05:51
Why can't you send your pretend message to blow up Earth...
05:54
to your home planet on your cell phone?
05:56
It's not pretend, butt-face.
05:58
[Woman On P.A. ] Southwestern Airlines would like to welcome all of its passengers...
06:01
in boarding group "B." - What? I'm a "C." How'd you get a "B"?
06:04
Printed it at home while you were packing.
06:06
You know what? Good. Enjoy your "B" boarding pass...
06:09
'cause you're gonna "be" obliterated.
06:12
[ Laughs ] I got him good.
06:14
Did you hear that alphabet humor, Arab guy?
06:16
See, you can't make jokes. You make a joke, you get thrown off the plane.
06:19
Sad, but that's the world we live in now.
06:28
Woman On P.A. ] Now boarding group "C" and higher.
06:31
Oh, sorry. There's no more room on the plane. You're going to have to check your bag.
06:35
Can! I put it on my lap? - No.
06:37
But I wanted to go straight from the airport to my Fortress of Solitude.
06:40
I don't wanna have to wait for lug— You know what?
06:42
It doesn't matter. I got bigger things on my plate.
06:44
Much, much bigger things. - Hmm.
06:51
Comfy there, Mr. Decider?
06:54
[Snoring ] - [ Rock ]
07:00
[ Snoring Continues ]
07:02
[ Grunting, Sighs ]
07:06
Sir, my seat won't go back. - Yeah. That one's broken.
07:08
But I have a bad back. -Hmm.
07:11
Behold my Fortress of Solitude!
07:16
[Stan Whistles ] impressive.
07:20
Afternoon, sojourners.
07:22
Strawberry Coors? It's something I invented.
07:25
I take a regular Coors and I drink it through a Twizzler, you see.
07:29
[ Slurping ] - I really like your roommate. Nice touch with the rolling.
07:34
Don't wanna open the door too wide and let Disability Check Dan over there see your...
07:38
Fortress of Solitude.
07:41
Oh, good Lord. It's real.
07:43
You know, Stan, it's too bad. I actually liked Francine.
07:46
The rest of them can suck it, but Francine I'm sorry to see die.
07:50
Roger, we— we joke a lot, me and you. - [ Beeping, Whirring ]
07:53
But you know that deep, deep in my heart I've always loved—
07:56
Too late, Stan. You've sealed your fate. And now—
07:59
[ Engine Powering Down ] - Something's wrong.
08:02
What the— Why isn't this—
08:04
"Dear humans who discover this wreck, please disregard it.
08:07
"We crashed this ship into your planet...
08:10
"to test new safety features...
08:12
"because we care about our customers.
08:14
"The alien inside is merely a crash-test dummy...
08:17
who most likely died upon impact."
08:21
Crash-test dummy? But they told me—
08:24
[Laughing ] The Decider. That is classic.
08:28
I'm loving this. [ Laughing ]
08:33
No. No. This can't be.
08:35
Excuse me, gentlemen.
08:37
If I just found out I'm the Lindbergh baby...
08:40
whom do I tell?
08:44
[Laughing ]
08:50
[ Laughing Continues ]
08:53
[ Laughing Continues ]
09:00
[ Laughing Continues ]
09:03
[ Body Hits Floor ] - [ Laughing Continues ]
09:05
[Laughing Continues ]
09:11
[ Laughing Continues ]
09:18
I'm sure by now Toshi's realized...
09:21
that he's the one who owes me an apology...
09:23
for making me put part of his great-grandmother in my mouth.
09:26
[ Doorbell Rings ] - I had Japanese great-grandma once.
09:28
I had the Shintos for a week.
09:30
[Stan Laughing ] - Thank you!
09:35
[ Door Closes ]
09:41
Choose your method of challenge.
09:43
Each character represents an ancient Japanese ritual.
09:48
Very well.
09:54
So it is chosen.
09:57
Wait. What did I choose? - Hot dog eating contest.
09:59
[Gong]
10:01
[ Yells ]
10:07
I'm screwed, man. I can't beat a tiny Asian boy at eating hot dogs.
10:11
Well, you better start training.
10:13
You don't wanna switch to the later lunch period.
10:15
That's when the guy with the milky eye starts mopping up around the tables.
10:19
Why do they make eye patches if not for that exact situation?
10:23
Maybe he can't afford one. - See, now I'm bummed out.
10:27
[ Stan Laughing ]
10:30
Roger, how was Roswell?
10:32
-[ Laughing ] - What happened?
10:36
Well, for the last 70 years, Roger thought he was the Decider of humanity.
10:40
But it turns out he's just a crash-test dummy.
10:42
Oh, the poor thing.
10:44
Poor thing, please. Trust me. He'll shake it off in an hour.
10:51
[ Groans ]
10:53
[ Knocking ] - [ Francine ] Roger? Will you please come out?
10:56
We made your favorite meal—
10:57
roast squab with a burgundy pine-nut reduction and truffle risotto.
11:02
And toasted brioche? - Of course.
11:06
Well, there's a place set at the table if you change your mind.
11:15
Okay, Roger, you can do this.
11:17
Just pick yourself up and start anew.
11:20
[ Inhales ]
11:22
[Stan] Oh, look who decided to come to dinner.
11:25
[Crying ]
11:31
Roger? Hey, little guy.
11:34
Want a waffle?
11:37
[ Laughs ] He's coming in. Look.
11:44
[ Chewing ]
11:46
Roger, it's okay.
11:48
Stan didn't mean any of those things he said.
11:50
[ Sighs ] No. He's right.
11:53
I'm not the most important person on Earth.
11:56
I have no special purpose.
11:58
Don't say that. There are lots of things to do besides blow up Earth.
12:02
Maybe you could get a job.
12:04
You know, do something with your life. - I guess.
12:06
Are my hot dogs ready, Mom? - Wouldn't you rather have a waffle?
12:10
No, ma'am. Only hot dogs until the day of the showdown.
12:17
[ Gulps ] Thanks again for teaching me how to tame my gag reflex.
12:21
[ Roger, Francine, Hayley ] You're welcome.
12:23
Hot dogs, huh? I like hot dogs.
12:25
Maybe I'll get some sort of hot dog related job.
12:28
Oh, you mean like making hot dogs or selling hot dogs?
12:31
I don't know, Francine! I just had the idea!
12:33
Will you let me think for just one moment?
12:35
God, I come up with good ideas, and you needle me with questions.
12:38
Probably something supervisory in the distribution department.
12:40
There you go. I Knew I'd think of it if you gave me a moment.
12:49
[ Exhales ] You did it, Roger.
12:51
Assistant regional distribution manager for Hotdog Hauss.
12:55
On your way back to the top.
12:57
Hey, I need you to refill the ink in this stamp.
12:59
Can I decide what color? - No. It's red.
13:02
Hey, Roger, there's a new Hotdog Hauss in Chimdale.
13:05
And you need me to decide how many hot dogs to send them for their grand opening?
13:08
No. Just letting you know that our company's growing.
13:11
Hey, Roger, we got a bad batch of hot dogs here.
13:13
Nitrate level in 'em is lethal.
13:15
Make sure they get thrown out, would ya?
13:17
You mean, I'm in charge of something?
13:20
Yeah. Sure. You're, uh, president of throwing out bad wieners. Congratulations.
13:25
Lethal, huh?
13:28
The Decider is back.
13:34
Bathroom material. This V.I.P. has to V.I. pee-pee.
13:39
Yeah, I do it sitting down, 'cause comfort is king, and! I have no wang.
13:44
What the hell? I was reading that. - I'm sorry, Stan...
13:46
but I have got some big stuff going on.
13:49
I'm gonna take this in case I get cold on the toilet.
13:53
Here we go again. He gets a crappy job...
13:55
and he's acting like he owns the world.
13:57
You know what? I'm going down to that hot dog place tomorrow...
14:00
and I'm setting that weirdo straight.
14:02
Do you really think it's worth taking all these sick days...
14:04
just to make Roger feel bad?
14:06
I got it covered. I told them you had a baby.
14:08
Oh. This is from Jackson.
14:10
Che Guevara?
14:12
Is this supposed to be hip? He was a murderer.
14:14
Just put her in it one time when you bring her to the office.
14:17
I guess.
14:23
Stan, you came to see me at work, like a wife.
14:28
Oh, I just stopped by to show you something.
14:30
I downloaded this chart of Hotdog Hauss's corporate structure.
14:33
Look. There's the parent company.
14:35
There's the subsidiary. There's the branch of Food Co. that presides over Hotdog Hauss.
14:39
There's Hotdog Hauss. There's East Central Division. There's this warehouse.
14:42
And this tiny little box here is you.
14:45
Still feel important? - Yes, I do.
14:47
Because I have some big stuff going on.
14:50
No, you don't. You have nothing.
14:52
So stop acting like a big shot. - Okay, Stan.
14:54
I'll let you in on a little secret.
14:56
You see, I found these dogs so full of nitrates that each one can kill a man.
15:01
I call them "death dogs." And I'm in charge of them. Me.
15:04
What are you talking about? - Anytime I want, I could let out some bad wieners.
15:09
See, Stan? I'm the Decider again.
15:11
Oh, yeah? Well, where do you keep these alleged death dogs?
15:15
Well, they're not here. They're someplace safe, someplace you'll never guess.
15:20
The last place you would ever think to look.
15:22
No, no. No, don't look in the fridge. They're not in there!
15:27
Huh. They're not in there. - They're not?
15:30
Oh, boy. Okay, let's think. Who could have taken them?
15:32
Francine took them to Steve's hot dog eating contest.
15:35
Damn it, Roger. What have you done?
15:37
Do you know what this means? - Of course I Know what this means.
15:40
I just missed my chance to sing "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
15:43
It would've been perfect a moment ago.
15:45
You know who would have really appreciated it? Steve.
15:47
Too bad he's probably dead.
15:53
You idiot! You may have killed my son!
15:56
There's still time. Now, where did Steve say the hot dog contest was?
16:00
God, I don't know. He must have told me a thousand times.
16:03
-I know. Me too. - I totally-- I just zone out when that kid is speaking.
16:07
Well, you have to. It's the only way you can get through dinner.
16:10
Um, Steve's at Toshi's house. That's where the hot dog eating contest is.
16:14
What? Why didn't you say something before?
16:16
Daddy and Roger were fighting, and I got scared.
16:18
So hopefully you'll pick up this voice mail before you eat a hot dog.
16:22
And if not, if you're listening to this from heaven, I love you, kiddo.
16:27
Well, I warned Toshi. You're blocking me. We're taking your car.
16:30
Give me the keys. - Okay, fine. You can drive.
16:33
But a word of warning. This car is an ass magnet.
16:38
[ Snot ] When the whistle blows, the contest begins.
16:41
Whoever finishes the most hot dogs in 10 minutes wins.
16:45
Vomit will disqualify you.
16:48
Okay, looks like a left on Reservoir Lane.
16:51
I never even heard of it. Let me see.
16:54
Roger, this is a poster of Bo Derek.
16:56
I know. Have you ever seen cheekbones so— Look out!
17:00
[ Tires Screech ]
17:04
[ Panting ]
17:09
You-— You, uh— You really do make a good crash-test dummy.
17:11
Shut up and drive!
17:13
-[ Chomping ] - [ Tires Screech ]
17:16
Nobody eat the hot dogs!
17:18
Death dogs. They're called death dogs.
17:20
They're both tied at 38.
17:22
Get away from the table!
17:24
You weren't supposed to eat those. They're poisonous. Now you're gonna die.
17:27
[ Gasps ] - [Speaking Japanese ]
17:30
Don't you mean, "Oh, my Godzilla"? Thank you!
17:34
What have we done? I'm sorry.
17:37
Oh, I should've said that in the first place. Forgive me?
17:40
[ Speaking Japanese ]
17:44
Toshi is honor-bound to accept a deathbed apology.
17:47
Good-bye then, dear Toshi.
17:49
I should've been nicer to you.
17:51
You were my only friend who wasn't poor or fat.
17:56
Oh, wait. False alarm. I still have my death dogs.
17:59
Oh, Toshi's mother insisted on using the hot dogs she bought.
18:02
Apparently the ones I brought weren't good enough.
18:05
They weren't. They would have killed our children.
18:08
I'm sorry, dear. I don't understand what you're saying.
18:11
Does anyone speak sushi hostess?
18:14
Look, the important thing is that Roger didn't end up killing anyone with his—
18:18
Hey, where is Roger?
18:21
Sorry, Stan. I can't let you destroy these.
18:24
They're all I have. I need them.
18:27
[ Yelling ]
18:30
[ Grunting ]
18:39
i'm worthless now!
18:41
I'm a nobody just like everyone else.
18:44
And it's about time you said it.
18:46
Damn it, Stan. Why can't you give Roger a break?
18:49
Why should I? Nobody gives me a break.
18:51
I don't see why he gets to feel important when I don't.
18:54
So that's why you're being such a jerk to Roger.
18:57
You feel like a nobody... - [ Bird Tweeting ]
19:00
so you can't let Roger feel like a somebody.
19:02
Oh, my God. You're right.
19:05
It must be so obvious to everyone if you picked up on it.
19:08
Oh, Stan, you're not a nobody.
19:11
You're important to me and to Steve and Hayley and even to Roger.
19:16
You're so important to him that he was gonna blow up the whole world...
19:20
because you insulted him. - [Gopher Chitters ]
19:22
[ Bird Squawks ] - Wow. I never really thought about it that way.
19:28
Hey, Roger. I owe you an apology. - [ Dog Grunts ]
19:31
I'm sorry. - [ Sniffles ]
19:33
I just wanna feel like I matter. -I know. Me too.
19:37
We're not so different, you and I.
19:39
Yes, we are. We're night and day.
19:41
Except for in this specific instance. So here.
19:43
What is it? -I'm allergic to shellfish.
19:46
If I accidentally eat any, my throat will swell up and I will die.
19:50
This is my EpiPen.
19:52
I keep it with me at all times to give myself a shot just in case.
19:55
You're giving it to me?
19:57
If having the power over life and death...
20:00
is what it takes to make you feel special, then yes.
20:03
When the time comes, you can decide whether I live or die.
20:07
You made me the Decider again.
20:11
Enjoy it, buddy. - Hey, you guys!
20:14
I'm the Decider!
20:18
I guess today isn't this groundhog's day.
20:23
[ Yells ]
20:26
[ Imitating Guitar ]
20:29
What are you doing? - Csi: Miami. Caruso?
20:32
Just get your scraper, Darren.
20:39
Freshly baked cookies. - Wow! Thanks, Roger.
20:43
I'm sorry I acted like an entitled ass for the last 70 years.
20:48
[ Sniffs ] Roger, was this—
20:50
[ Laughs ] Crawfish cookies.
20:52
Need this? - [ Hoarsely ] Yes.
20:55
Oh, my God! His allergy! Roger, give him the shot!
20:57
Not so fast, Francine.
20:59
I am the Decider, and I will decide—
21:02
Roger! - And I decide to give him the shot.
21:05
It's empty. - But I only used it once.
21:07
I was super hungover, and I wanted an adrenaline rush.
21:10
It... felt... -[Grunting ]
21:12
-[ Screams ] - amazing.
21:45
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
