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before you tell him you're a turd-burglar?
S05E19 Daddy Queerest
04:47 – 04:49
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You mind if I come over and toss the old pigskin around with your dad...
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He probably won't feel like it after.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Rock, Muffled ]
00:34
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
00:38
[Woman ] Your daughter is gorgeous. - Bone structure.
00:41
This is such an interesting piece.
00:43
Boner structure.
00:45
[ Greg ] Reminder: There's sponge cake and/or cheeses in the piano room.
00:49
Ooh. That sounds delightful.
00:51
Okay, I've got a good joke.
00:53
What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
00:56
[ Laughing ]
01:00
Uh, that's just the setup, honey.
01:02
A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
01:04
[ All Laughing ]
01:06
Because it's more important to find a golf ball than to please our wives!
01:09
[ Phone Beeps ] -[ Groans ]
01:12
Looks like the health care bill is mired in the Senate again.
01:14
[ Woman ] Oh, come on!
01:17
I don't think our health care system can be reformed.
01:19
Oh, really? Why not?
01:21
Uh-huh.
01:24
Uh-huh, what?
01:26
[ Laughs ] You caught me.
01:29
I have no idea. I just say stuff sometimes.
01:34
Look, everyone. Her dress is see-through!
01:37
How come every time we go to a party, you push me in the pool?
01:41
Everyone's always afraid to be the first one in the pool.
01:44
You're that girl. You're the party starter!
01:45
My purse tampons were floating in the water!
01:49
People were impressed by how big they got. -[ Groans ]
01:51
Francine embarrassed you again, huh?
01:53
Klaus, she's terrible in social situations.
01:56
She doesn't know when to laugh at jokes...
01:57
she talks about things she doesn't know about.
01:59
You know, Stan, she's the reason you never get invited to fancy events—
02:04
-[ Together ] Like Bullock's cocktail parties. - Exactly.
02:07
Bullock always has dignitaries and heads of state there.
02:10
Like, I bet if I was married to Helen Mirren, we'd get invited.
02:13
She'd wear her silver mane up...
02:15
showing off that sophisticated neck.
02:18
A bobby pin would fall out, and a rebellious lock would cascade down.
02:22
I'd get in real close and whisper, "You have a loose hair, hellcat."
02:30
Dudes! Vince Chung is throwing a bonfire...
02:33
beneath the water tower tomorrow night.
02:35
And get this, anyone can come...
02:38
as long as they bring booze or girls!
02:41
My sister's a girl.
02:43
Yeah, but they have to be prettier than Leelee Sobieski.
02:47
Oh! - Then we shall gain our entry with booze.
02:50
A kid from Hebrew school told me about a guy named Warren...
02:53
who hangs out in the alley behind Liquor Time and buys kids beer.
02:58
Excellent! We'll go after school.
03:00
So you're still doing that whole Hebrew thing, huh?
03:03
Yes, Steve! It's who I am!
03:05
It's everything to me!
03:10
This is interesting, Francine. Congress Is in session now. In.
03:15
So if we're at a party, say...
03:17
and someone asks whether it's in or not, you'll know that it is in.
03:23
Oh, and look at this. It says energy drinks for women...
03:25
are the hottest thing in a cool pink can.
03:27
What am I doing? I'm reading an ad. - [ Knocking ]
03:30
Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt.
03:31
Hi, Libby. -I just got a call.
03:33
My father's coming into town and will be staying with us for a few days.
03:36
Oh, that sounds nice. - Yeah, yeah, should be great fun.
03:39
Oh, also, he doesn't Know I'm gay.
03:41
So if! I could keep a few things over here while he's in town, that'd be great.
03:45
Our Mapplethorpe prints, our baby, this nude drawing I did of Burt Reynolds.
03:49
It's unfinished. Don't finish it.
03:51
Terry, this is insane.
03:52
Okay, the kitchen door entrance is supposed to be just family.
03:56
We've been together for nine years.
03:57
We have a baby. You have to tell your father!
04:00
You don't understand, okay?
04:01
You don't know what it's like being the son of Tank Bates.
04:04
Wait. Tank Bates is your father?
04:06
The All-Pro fullback for the Washington Redskins, Tank Bates?
04:09
Yes. That's why he's coming into town. They're retiring his jersey.
04:13
Theismann pitches out to Bates. Bates comes around the end.
04:15
The offensive line clears a hole. He leaps over the top, and he's short!
04:18
He's stopped at the one-yard line!
04:22
Oh, it's okay. They scored on the next play. Quarterback sneak.
04:25
Football! Catch the fever!
04:27
Terry, Greg is right.
04:29
You don't want Libby to grow up thinking being gay is something to be ashamed of, do you?
04:34
As her godmother, I'll be there to support you all the way.
04:39
You know what? You're right.
04:41
It's time I tell my father the truth. -[ Both] Mmm.
04:44
You mind if I come over and toss the old pigskin around with your dad...
04:47
before you tell him you're a turd-burglar?
04:49
He probably won't feel like it after.
04:55
I don't see him. Just some kids.
04:57
We all see the kids, Steve! God!
05:01
There he is.
05:03
[ Boys Whispering ]
05:06
A Little bit of Monica in my life ♪
05:09
E-Excuse me, are you Warren?
05:11
Help you boys get loaded?
05:13
[ Gasps ] You're the guy who buys booze for kids?
05:16
Sure. It's a great way to make money.
05:18
That's how I bought my boom box, that's how I bought my dog, Pepper...
05:21
and that's how I bought this folding chair that turns into a backpack.
05:24
I put it on and I'm completely mobile.
05:25
Great! We'd like liquor, please.
05:28
All right. Be right back.
05:29
If some little girl with a bruise on her cheek...
05:31
comes by and says this is her dog, it is.
05:34
Pepper is stolen.
05:38
Terry, don't worry. It'll be fine.
05:40
[Knocking ]
05:41
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
05:44
Sweetie, you can do this.
05:49
[ Inhales ]
05:51
Hey there, kid. - Hi, Dad.
05:53
He's so big! - Sorry I'm late. Traffic was—
05:55
Dad, I have something to tell you...
05:57
and if I don't do it right now, I might never be able to.
06:00
All right. What is it? - Y-you see, I—
06:09
This is my girlfriend, Francine, and we had this baby out of wedlock...
06:12
and I didn't tell you because I Knew you wouldn't approve.
06:14
And who are they? - Oh, that's Stan and Greg—
06:16
the homos from across the street.
06:23
Morning, Greg. How'd you sleep?
06:25
Terrible. Is that the first couch ever made? -Uh--
06:29
I can't believe Terry. That is my house and my partner and my baby!
06:33
And here I am living out of an overnight bag...
06:35
in the teardown across the street!
06:40
Good morning, Mr. Bates. - Morning.
06:42
You know, I was just wondering what the hell this is.
06:45
Oh, it's Terry's. He—
06:47
[ Kisses ] Our sex last night was so satisfying.
06:50
When I entered you non-anally, that was divine.
06:53
[ Clears Throat ] Terry, I've slept on it...
06:55
and I've decided I can accept this.
06:58
Even though you had this baby out of wedlock...
07:01
I Know you'll do the right thing and get married.
07:03
[ Laughs ] Yes, of course we will.
07:06
Finally make an honest woman out of me—
07:08
Her! Out of Her. - [ Doorbell Rings ]
07:12
Francine, you need to come home. Greg won't stop being snarky.
07:15
Please be patient, Stan. Terry said he'll tell his father.
07:18
He's just waiting for the right moment. -[ Grumbles ]
07:24
Oh, look at him. He's just gonna float away, float away like a fairy.
07:25
Oh, look at him. He's just gonna float away, float away like a fairy.
07:28
[ Chuckles ]
07:30
Look at him, carrying those heavy trash cans like a girl
07:33
He probably wishes that rock was a big, naked man.
07:40
[ Wolf Whistle ]
07:41
Yeah. Whistle a show tune, you drag queen!
07:46
[ Door Closes ]
07:48
What a day. Where's dinner? - At the store.
07:50
I don't cook, Stan. We'll just have to go out to dinner.
07:52
But it's a weekday. That's "once in a while on weekends" talk.
07:57
Straight women don't ask for much, do they?
07:58
They really don't. Just use coasters now and again...
08:00
and don't whiz in the shower on her birthday.
08:02
Have you seen Steve? I want to see his face...
08:05
when I tell him the midget who acted inside of R2-D2 died.
08:08
Love it. Love everything about it. But he's out at a party.
08:10
I bought him so much beer!
08:13
Roger, you can't buy beer for Steve. He's only 14.
08:16
Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I did it for $12 profit.
08:20
Piano, [ Slow]
08:24
Director Bullock! - Smith.
08:26
Hi. Greg Corbin, Stan's neighbor.
08:28
From Action News. Of course!
08:30
You and your partner, Terry, are great.
08:33
I had several gay experiences when I was in boarding school.
08:36
Nothing too big, just some boyish night poundings.
08:41
What a coincidence. That's my favorite vintage.
08:44
Would you like to join us for a glass, Director Bullock?
08:46
I suppose I could stay for one glass.
08:52
And Heisenberg's wife was unhappy...
08:54
because when her husband had the time, he didn't have the energy...
08:57
and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum.
08:59
-[ Laughing ] -[ Laughing ]
09:02
See, because of his wife-- I don't even know!
09:04
You know, Stan, this is very last-minute...
09:06
but I'm having a small cocktail party tomorrow night.
09:10
Would you and Greg care to come?
09:13
Say it loud and there's music playing say
09:18
it soft
09:21
And it's almost like praying
09:25
Maria
09:28
I'll never stop saying
09:31
Maria
09:40
Excellent way to express joy.
09:43
See you both tomorrow night, then.
09:45
I finally got invited to a Bullock party! I'm in the big leagues now!
09:49
My Helen Mirren, my little queen. - [ Cell Phone Rings ]
09:52
[ Beeps ] - Hi, Francine.
09:54
I'm just calling to tell you this'll all be over soon.
09:57
I locked Terry and Tank in the den.
09:59
They're not going anywhere until Terry tells him the truth.
10:02
I gotta go. Here's my credit card.
10:04
Put $30 on it. That's what I feel like I owe.
10:09
Terry, I hope you're talking to your father in there.
10:13
Talking to me about what?
10:14
Uh, well, I-I need to tell you something.
10:17
[Francine ] Stan, what are you doing?
10:19
[ Grunts ] What's going on? What's been said?
10:21
Not much. Terry's crazy broad locked us in here.
10:24
It was pretty quiet until I flipped to Skinemax.
10:26
Yep. Just father and son sitting around and watching a guy plow a girl.
10:31
You only like this 50%, huh, fairy?
10:34
I like this 100%.
10:36
[ Slurps ]
10:38
See what he's like?
10:40
Francine, I appreciate you trying, but I am never telling him.
10:43
I don't know what I was thinking.
10:45
Thank God Stan burst in when he did.
10:47
Why did you do that? - Do what?
10:49
Test the ax that could save our lives in a fire?
10:51
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because I care a whole hell of a lot!
10:54
I mean, I try so hard and you try so little.
10:57
And I-- I just-- I—I don't know.
10:59
[ Whispering ] You're prettier than all your sisters.
11:02
Roger, Steve could be dead! He could be— - [ Door Opens ]
11:05
[ Slurring ] What up, you ass-face bitches...
11:07
you stupid-ass honky-fuckin' faggots?
11:10
Well, hello, potty mouth. So! I guess the party was pretty good, then?
11:14
''S awesome! I made out with a girl I met at this place that I went to after...
11:18
to get some late-night 'za and 'da.
11:21
"Za and, uh—
11:23
Pizza and soda.
11:25
When you're drunk, you don't have time for the beginning of words.
11:28
All you care about is 'ood and 'ussy.
11:30
[ Laughs ] You're fun hammered.
11:33
I swear that's the first time you've genuinely made me laugh.
11:36
You guys wanna meet her? Come on in, baby!
11:44
[ Moaning, Giggling ]
11:46
She's so heinous! What have I done?
11:50
Oh, Hayley, you were right! Minors should never drink alcohol. I see that now!
11:54
Eat my mouth. [ Chuckles ]
11:57
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
12:00
I will make up for what I have done if it takes the rest of my life!
12:04
Ooh, ooh. Still wet. Still wet. [ Blowing ]
12:06
You don't have toenails.
12:09
Hello, I'm Roger. I like to pretend!
12:11
Come on!
12:13
[ Classical ] - [ Chattering ]
12:18
Your book was so inspiring, Mr. Mandela.
12:20
It made me want to become a journalist.
12:22
I am so happy it spoke to you.
12:25
I don't know what book he's talking about, but I love your movies.
12:27
Especially the Bucket List. Whoo! It got me. It got me.
12:31
Uh, Stan, I think you're mistaken.
12:33
Aren't you Morgan Freeman? - This is Nelson Mandela!
12:36
Why did you think I was calling him Mr. Mandela?
12:39
I thought it was one of Freeman's many nicknames, like Captain Morgan or Freckles.
12:43
Hey, Freckles, you wanna hear a joke?
12:45
Do they have jokes in your country, or is it just sadness all the time?
12:49
Are you sad right now?
12:51
[ Gasps, Coughs ]
12:53
He— He pushed me in the pool!
12:56
Oh, my God! I'm his Francine!
13:00
Drink to dull your shame?
13:02
Oh, piggy wants two drinks.
13:04
Drink it, piggy. Does it taste good, pig?
13:09
Yes, I am.
13:11
[ Slurring ] Hey! Yoo-hoo! Hey, plus one!
13:13
You remember— remember me, the person that you came here with?
13:17
Who's the old guy? - Stan Smith, this is Elie Wiesel,
13:20
Nobel-winning author of night and founder of—
13:23
You're a son of a b-bitch, you know that?
13:25
Stan, please! - No! No!
13:28
You're embarrassed of me. Admit it!
13:31
Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me!
13:33
Stan, you're making a scene. - That is not a scene!
13:36
You-You want— You want a scene? - [ Glass Shatters ]
13:38
Here's your scene!
13:39
Hope you can swim, weasel! -[ Yelps ]
13:43
It's Wiesel. And yes, I can.
13:48
Well, you don't have to worry about me embarrassing you ever again!
13:53
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
13:55
Where's my wife?
13:58
Francine, I need you to come home right now. Greg was mean to me!
14:02
What are you talking about, fruit loop? She's Terry's girlfriend.
14:05
No, she's not. She's my wife!
14:08
Greg is Terry's boyfriend. - What?
14:11
Terry and Greg are in love. Your son is gay!
14:17
See? That's not how a straight guy faints.
14:20
This is how a straight guy faints.
14:25
[ Snoring ]
14:27
[ Grunts ] What? Where am I? What happened?
14:29
You outed Terry to his father...
14:31
then passed out, woke up, puked and stumbled into the bushes!
14:37
My dad's upstairs packing. He didn't say a word.
14:40
He just looked at me like he was envisioning all the guys I ever had sex with...
14:44
every late-night massage, every back-alley zipper fight...
14:47
ever Frasier cast party, every Honda test drive with Darryl.
14:50
Terry! - Everybody calm down. I'll talk to Tank.
14:53
I Know what he's feeling. I used to think like him—
14:55
scared of the intimate man dance.
14:58
And there's always an underlying reason for this kind of thing.
15:00
You just have to figure out what it is.
15:02
I'm sorry I told you your son was gay.
15:05
But deep down, you must have known, so this is a good thing.
15:08
No. I had no idea. This is terrible.
15:10
But... while you think it's terrible...
15:13
you're still glad your son's happy. - No.
15:16
Although, while you don't care about your son's feelings...
15:20
you realize that your prejudice is based in ignorance.
15:22
No. I understand it. I just don't like it.
15:25
However, while you may understand it and not like it...
15:28
you're sad that your son was unhappy and kept this secret from you for so long.
15:32
No. I'm happy I didn't know. I wish I'd never known.
15:35
Be that as it may, you think it's a choice... -[ Car Alarm Chirps ]
15:38
and you didn't realize that people are born that way.
15:41
No, I Know it's not a choice, and it still sickens me.
15:45
[ Engine Starts ]
15:46
Francine, you wanna jump in here? Anytime, sweetheart.
15:49
Dad, please. - No. I'm going to a hotel until my jersey retirement ceremony.
15:53
You are no longer welcome.
15:58
He's fine.
16:00
He's probably just wondering how two guys can do it.
16:02
He'll calm down when I explain it's like cramming together...
16:05
two puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.
16:07
Shut up, Stan! You've done enough!
16:10
They're fine.
16:12
Oh! I can't believe you!
16:16
She's fine.
16:18
I just need to figure out the reason for Tank's hatred.
16:21
I got it! I know why Tank is reacting this way!
16:25
I'm sorry. Are you— Are you talking to me?
16:27
What? Oh, no. I was just having an out loud realization.
16:30
Ah. - Would you like me to fill you in on what it was?
16:33
No, thanks. I have a lot of stuff going on in my own life right now.
16:38
What's he got going on that's so important?
16:42
[ Woman Crying ]
16:44
And my Megan, she would have been 19 years old today.
16:49
[Applause ] - Thank you, Mrs. Holiday.
16:52
Your last name is very misleading given your tragic circumstances.
16:56
And now our last speaker from MADD, Warren Beanstalk.
17:00
[Applause ]
17:02
Wow. I recognize a lot of faces here today.
17:05
I've bought alcohol for many of you. But no more!
17:09
I've changed my ways.
17:11
I now understand what a terrible epidemic underage drinking is.
17:15
[ Beeping ] -[ Yawns ]
17:16
Sixty-seven percent of young people...
17:19
who drink before the age of 15 will try an illicit drug.
17:23
Last year, 21% of underage drivers killed in accidents were intoxicated.
17:27
[ Beeping ] - [Snoring ]
17:28
And 96% of you...
17:30
will wind up making out with a girl of this caliber.
17:33
[ Gasping ]
17:37
[ Speaking Japanese ]
17:42
[Audience Gasps ]
17:43
[ Screaming, Clamoring ]
17:48
Roger, I can't believe you did this to me!
17:50
Oh, you'll feel better after a few beers.
17:52
Come on. Let's go get drunk. You're driving.
17:55
[ Man Over PA. ] Today we retire the jersey of a heck of a guy...
17:58
and a hell of a football player.
18:00
It's an honor to be here with Tank Bates...
18:03
All-Pro fullback for the Washington Redskins.
18:06
[ Cheering ]
18:11
In his rookie season, Tank rushed for over a thousand—
18:15
[Stan Over Megaphone ] Tank Bates is a homosexual
18:17
Tank Bates is a homosexual.
18:20
Tank Bates is a homosexual.
18:23
This is your plan to reunite me and my father?
18:26
Yeah. It totally makes sense.
18:28
But my dad's not gay!
18:29
Yes, he is. That's why he can't accept you, because he can't accept himself...
18:34
like Kevin Spacey...
18:37
in K-PAX.
18:42
I'm not gay! - You see how scared he is of being judged?
18:46
Come on, people. Show your support! - [Cheering ]
18:49
I am not gay!
18:51
It's true. He's a notorious womanizer.
18:54
He slept with all the cheerleaders, the coach's daughter...
18:58
and— you're gonna love this— my wife, last week.
19:03
Shattered our family, and here I am shaking his hand.
19:06
i'm an embarrassment, but I need to work.
19:09
I mean, what am I supposed to do?
19:12
Okay, fine. But if 50,000 people were willing to accept you...
19:17
when they thought you were gay...
19:19
don't you think you should give your own son a chance?
19:24
No! You think I care what these drunken slobs think?
19:27
They'll cheer for anything! Watch!
19:29
I just had a beer fart!
19:31
[ Cheering ]
19:33
[ Exhales ]
19:36
Dad, I'm sorry to do this here, but I'm gay. That's who I am.
19:40
And this is who I'm with. Greg is my partner.
19:43
We have a child together. We're a family.
19:46
I want you to be part of it, but only if you can accept me for who! I am.
19:52
I can't. It's wrong, and I want nothing to do with it.
19:58
[ Emcee ] Brenda, don't. You're breaking my heart.
20:02
How could you do this? How could you bring us here?
20:05
How could you be so stupid? How could you— - Now hold on a minute.
20:09
Sure, Stan took something extremely private and made it into a public spectacle...
20:14
but he was just trying to help.
20:16
He may act like an idiot, but it comes from a good place.
20:20
That should count for something.
20:22
[ Crowd Cheering ] - [ Man ] it counts! It counts for a lot!
20:25
See that? She loves him for who he is...
20:28
in spite of his many, many, many faults.
20:31
If your dad can't accept you for who you are, then you don't need him in your life.
20:35
[Crowd Cheering ] - [Man ] Yeah! Cut him out of your life!
20:38
No. I don't need him in our life.
20:41
[Crowd Cheering ] - [ Man ] Yeah!] All's well
20:45
You— You stood up for me, even though I acted like a complete fool.
20:50
Of course. You're my husband. My idiot husband.
20:54
[ Kissing ]
20:56
[Clears Throat ]
21:02
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
21:05
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
21:09
[ Stan ] He did it! He got in the game for one play and made a tackle!
21:16
[Piano ] -[ Chattering ]
21:21
Okay. What's the difference between a priest and a watch?
21:25
[ Laughing ]
21:29
That wasn't the punch line.
21:30
Joke's over, fellow. The lady laughed. Move on.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
