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Hello? Line one, you're on with Bernie.
S05E20 Stan's Night Out
20:57 – 20:59
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It's time for you to call Bernie with your gardening questions.
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[Stan] You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you.
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Transcript
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A.
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[Chorus ] ~ Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ All Laughing ]
00:36
Oh, yeah! - [ Chuckles ] Hey, guys.
00:39
What's so funny? You talking about last night's How I [ Met Your Mother?
00:42
[ Chuckles ] I love that Barney guy.
00:44
"Get your suit on!" What a catchphrase.
00:46
No, Stan. We were out last night partying— hard.
00:50
Oh, man. Remember that dental hygienist we met?
00:53
[All] Spit and rinse! [ Laughing ]
00:55
Yeah! -[ Chuckles ] I wish I knew what that meant.
00:58
Stan, why don't you come out with us sometime? We're doing it again tonight.
01:01
Ah, I promised Francine I'd come home.
01:03
She says we have some cheese I have to finish, or it's gonna go bad.
01:06
Come on! Blow her off
01:08
I wish, but I made a promise. And Stan Smith has never broken a promise.
01:12
You know it's true, Gil.
01:14
-[ Whirring ] - [Sighs ] It is so hot in here.
01:19
Well, you're missing out, Stan. I'd say we'll think of you, but we won't.
01:23
[All Laughing ] -[ Chuckles ] It was at my expense...
01:25
but I'm sharing in the laughter!
01:27
Part of the group! I'm part of the group! And now I'm alone.
01:30
Hey, you don't need them. You're the coolest agent here.
01:34
Really? - Yeah, really.
01:36
Will you buy $60 worth of licorice from my daughter?
01:39
She wants to play soccer in Europe.
01:45
I just had my colors done, and Lydia tells me I'm an autumn.
01:48
Roger, I've been standing with you here the whole time.
01:51
You haven't talked to anybody, and you're putting lipstick on your eyelids.
01:54
You're just jealous. You know, if you fixed yourself up a little...
01:57
men would find you attractive too.
01:59
Instead of wondering if you're in the middle of gender-reassignment surgery.
02:02
Please. Men find me way more attractive than you.
02:05
Oh, yeah? Five El Pollo Loco coupons says you're wrong.
02:09
You're on. - Damn right I'm on. I'm on fire.
02:12
[ Balloon Squeaks ] - Whoops. Nip slip.
02:16
[ Shudders ]
02:18
[ Continues Shuddering ]
02:20
[ Continues Shuddering ]
02:30
They're not smiling back at me because they think you're my husband.
02:37
All right now. It's time for Bernie's gardening tip of the week.
02:42
If you want to start your lawn mower on the first pull...
02:45
here's a trick most people do not know.
02:48
You stand on the back tires of the mower...
02:52
and pull the cord Straight towards your chest.
02:55
It starts the first time every time.
02:58
Lawn Mower Starts ]
03:00
I think I want another plate of mac and cheese.
03:02
How about a plate of my nads and cheese!
03:04
Stan, how explosive! What's going on?
03:07
I'll tell you what's going on.
03:09
All the guys at work get to go out and have fun while I'm stuck here every night.
03:13
"Stuck here"? Stan, if you want to go out, go out.
03:17
I'll have a nice evening alone—
03:19
Curl up with a book, maybe write a song.
03:22
[ Humming ]
03:24
There's my melody. I'm halfway there.
03:26
[ Shrieks ] I'm gonna do man stuff tonight!
03:31
[ Humming ]
03:33
Who could sing this?
03:35
Avril Lavigne! She sucks!
03:38
This thong gives me an ass rash, but the boys love it.
03:42
Give it up, Roger. You're not more attractive than me.
03:45
No one smiled at either of us at the mall today.
03:47
You guys were at the mall? Maybe this is about you.
03:50
It's a "missed connections" posting on Craigslist.
03:53
"You— cute brunette with friend at mall next to hat kiosk.
03:56
Me-— too shy to say hello." [ Gasps ]
03:59
I was the cute brunette at the mall! He's talking about me!
04:02
How do you know that I'm not cute and you're friend?
04:06
He says to meet him tonight at the food court.
04:08
He'll be wearing a green sweater.
04:10
Oh, you should both go.
04:12
The one he walks up to is the cute one.
04:14
Okay. We'll go. And this time, Hayley, we'll prove who's more of a woman.
04:20
Roger, did you draw that on?
04:22
Yes. Aroused?
04:24
-Uh-- - Well, it's not for you!
04:29
[ Spanish Accent ] Did someone order a spot-on Rosie Perez impersonator?
04:33
Whoa! - Whoa!
04:34
No way! - Look who escaped.
04:37
Went to the A.T.M., busted out my $40 quick cash.
04:39
I got my comb. I'm ready to party.
04:42
My friends, I would like to make a toast.
04:45
To Stan getting away from his wife for the night...
04:48
and me getting away from mine... forever!
04:51
Yep, my divorce from Sheila became final today.
04:54
I'm a free man!
04:55
Yeah! - [Cheering ]
04:57
She got it all— the house, the car, even the dog.
05:02
Ungrateful mutt. And I'm talking about Sheila.
05:05
[All Laughing ] - I thought it was the dog you were talking about.
05:07
You were talking about your ex-wife. - I know, I know.
05:10
It was a joke, and I got it. I'm one of the guys.
05:15
[ Humming ]
05:17
Nathan! Stop it!
05:19
This is why you keep getting molested.
05:28
Okay, let's whip 'em out.
05:30
Our wieners? - No. Our credit cards.
05:33
It's credit card roulette. Whoever loses pays the bill.
05:36
The whole bill? That's four times what I was expecting to spend!
05:40
Yeah, it's a total rush.
05:46
Do us the honor, would you?
05:49
Dick Reynolds? - Oh!
05:51
[ Both Laughing ] -[ Laughs ] Yeah!
05:53
Oh, my God! When she pulled out that card, it looked exactly like my card.
05:56
But then it wasn't my card! It wasn't my card at all!
05:59
It was Dick's card. Now Dick has to pay.
06:01
Okay. Everyone ready to go to the cigar bar?
06:03
Two places in one night? You guys are wild!
06:06
So, you guys Keeping this party going?
06:09
[Father] Nathan!
06:11
[ All] Stogies! Stogies! Stogies!
06:14
Stogies! -I am so glad! I came out tonight.
06:17
Better than sitting at home with the wife, bored out of my—
06:19
[Crash]
06:21
-[ Hissing ] - Ah! I have a guy who can fix this right up.
06:24
I'll pay for the whole thing. - Ah, that's great...
06:27
but I still have to report it to my insurance.
06:29
Oh, sure. I understand.
06:31
Let me get my info. I really appreciate you— Ow!
06:34
Oh, my God! - Dick, what the hell?
06:37
I've got three D.U.I.s, Stan. One more, and they take away my license.
06:40
[ Groans ] Oh! Ow!
06:43
What are you doing? - You can't leave him here. He'll call the cops.
06:47
I'm not gonna let this jackass ruin our night.
06:51
Please! Don't do this!
06:52
You guys, we have to take this man to the hospital.
06:55
And lose our buzz? Come on! The night's just begun!
06:59
Yeah. We're just getting started.
07:01
Oh, please. I think I have a concussion.
07:03
What if! I fall asleep? I could die in here.
07:06
You can't worry about "what ifs," friend. You gotta live in the moment.
07:17
Ah! Nothing more relaxing than a nice cigar.
07:20
Look, guys, we have to get that man to a hospital.
07:22
Relax, Stan! This kind of thing happens all the time.
07:26
Yeah, last week we snuck into the zoo, and Sanders fought a panda.
07:30
That's where I got this.
07:32
[ Laughing ]
07:34
You know, I heard they shot Cilantro's "El perro" video in the bathroom.
07:38
Uh, gonna go check it out.
07:40
[ Whistling ]
07:43
[ Laughs ]
07:45
-[ Clicks, Imitates Gunshot ] - [ Laughter ]
07:49
Hang tough in there, buddy. I'm gonna get you to a hospital. I promise.
07:55
[Car Rattling ] - [ Siren Wailing ]
08:00
You know why I pulled you over. - Did I forget to signal?
08:02
You're missing the front portion of your vehicle, sir.
08:05
[ Engine Rumbles, Stops ]
08:06
Well, I could be missing the bottom portion of my clothes...
08:10
if that would get me off with a warning.
08:13
[ Pounding ] - [Man ] Help!
08:15
Did I just hear someone yell from your trunk?
08:17
Um, I have a ventriloquist act.
08:19
But instead of a dummy, I use a car.
08:21
It's hard to book gigs. Most stages can't accommodate a car...
08:24
but I'm an artist, so that's the life I chose.
08:27
Sir, get out of the car and open the trunk.
08:34
-[ Screams ] - Dick, that's an officer of the law!
08:37
Ow! - What's wrong with you?
08:39
Don't you know how to knock a guy out?
08:41
Yeah, you knock out guys like a girl. - Oh, yeah?
08:43
Do I mess up hair like a girl? Do! I mess up hair like a girl? - Hey, come on!
08:47
Dick, don't! Dick. Come on, Dick.
08:50
Why are you doing this, Dick? This isn't you.
08:52
I want the old Dick back. I don't want bad, new Dick. I want good, old Dick.
08:57
Give me the Dick I'm used to. Give me the Dick I love!
09:00
Guys, Knock it off!
09:05
H-H-Hey, a trunk buddy!
09:08
So, do you like 30 Rock?
09:11
[ Officer ] Shut up!
09:13
Yeah, I'm a fan.
09:21
Okay. My knight in shimmering green sweater is gonna be here any minute.
09:25
[ Grunts ] Damn it. Damn thong.
09:29
[ Sniffs ] I really should not be shaking anyone's hand.
09:32
Ooh, there he is!
09:35
Oh, he's a looker! Don't stare at him. Sit. Sit.
09:39
Get used to that, dog.
09:50
Hi. I'm Tyler.
09:52
I'm Amber. Give me waves of grain alcohol...
09:55
and we'll see how purple your majesty gets.
09:59
What? - It's from a song.
10:01
[ Slurping ]
10:03
-[ Belches ] - [ Pounding On Trunk ]
10:06
We really saved you back there, Stan.
10:08
We have two men bleeding to death in the trunk.
10:11
Pounding Continues ] - Let's just get them to the hospital...
10:13
unload them in front and drive away. - Okay, if it'll shut you—
10:16
[ Sobs ] I'm fine! - Dick, are— Are you crying?
10:19
No! It's nothing!
10:22
Dick says it's nothing. So to get to the hospital, make a left—
10:24
I miss my dog! Biscuit! I miss Biscuit!
10:30
She took him.
10:32
[ Tires Squeal ] - Dick, no. The hospital's the other way.
10:34
I'm coming to get you, Biscuit!
10:42
[ Door Closes ] - Dick, come on. We gotta get those guys to the hospital.
10:46
Damn it! Sheila changed the locks.
10:51
[ Whispering ] Okay. You take the front. I'll take the back.
10:55
[ Barking ] -[ Screams ]
10:57
Cheese and crackers! Fuck, that hurt! - [Light Switch Clicks ]
10:59
Dick? You get out of here right now, or I'm calling the police!
11:03
I'm takin' the damn dog, Sheila! Don't try to stop me!
11:07
[Man] Sheila? Who are you talking to?
11:11
That's right. I'm nailing your barber.
11:14
You're a dead man, Al!
11:17
-[Grunting ] - [Shrieks ] Stop it!
11:19
Leave him alone! - This ain't the first time I fought naked!
11:22
[ Grunts ]
11:24
Now that's how you knock a guy out.
11:29
Bring him back, you monsters!
11:33
Oh! He's naked. Can't you put him in the other way?
11:36
Don't worry, guys. I'm gonna get you out of this. I promise.
11:39
[Sheila] Where are you going, you mug?
11:41
Sheila, since we're not going to be social anymore, I feel I can tell you this.
11:45
I'm the one who clogged the toilet on your houseboat.
11:48
[ Door Closes ] -[ Tires Screech ]
11:52
Roger, don't you look beautiful.
11:54
Tyler invited me to a party tonight. Semiformal.
11:58
I envy you, Hayley. Never having to worry...
12:00
about things like panty hose or contraception.
12:05
[ Grunts ] No babies for me.
12:08
[Man On Stereo ] ♪ He was living in a dream
12:11
Wondering and wondering
12:13
This house is beautiful.
12:15
Reminds me of my sorority. We were known as "the pretty house."
12:19
Then crystal meth got its hooks into us.
12:21
Fortunately, I was just selling it.
12:23
The girls all got hepatitis. I bought a Jaguar.
12:25
It's in Canada right now. That's why I rode my bike over here.
12:28
I'm, uh, gonna go to the bar. Would you like something?
12:31
I'll have an orgasm. And for my drink, I'd like a banana daiquiri.
12:34
[ Laughing ] Oh, you—
12:36
You are in for a treat.
12:39
Hi, i'm Amber. - Hi, I'm Stephanie.
12:42
I just met my date today.
12:44
He saw me at the mall and asked me out. That's how attractive I am.
12:47
Huh. I just met my date today too.
12:50
[ Stammering ] That-That-That's funny.
12:52
I-I also met-met my date t-today.
12:54
This is the best pig party ever.
12:57
Pig party? Where-Where guys find the ugliest dates they can?
13:02
Bam. Bam. Bam.
13:08
Oh, my God. I'm a pig.
13:11
[ Sobbing ] Thank you.
13:15
Stan, this is boring. Going to the hospital is boring.
13:18
We're almost there. It's just another block. - Hookers!
13:21
[ Tires Screech ] - [Man ] Ow! It went in my mouth!
13:23
was yawning!
13:28
What are you fine-ass ladies doing out here all alone?
13:32
Selling our bodies. - Sold! Get in!
13:34
No! Don't get in! Now, we're going to the hospital, and that's—
13:38
[ Man ] Hit it! - [Hip-hop ]
13:39
Yeah, -, Whoo,'
13:41
Yeah, -, Whoo,'
13:43
Yeah, -, Whoo,'
13:46
Oh, my God! You brought hookers to the CIA. We're all gonna get fired!
13:50
And I'm not even at my desk. I'm at Duper's desk.
13:53
Oh, Duper's phone has speed-dial buttons.
13:56
Who does he need to call so fast?
13:58
Listen. Thanks for all the sex, but we're in a recession...
14:01
and the last thing I should be spending money on is a prostitute.
14:04
So I'm not. - Hit it,
14:07
I wanna rock right now, - I think I'm falling in love with you.
14:09
[ Male Voice ] Let's get married.
14:11
Did you take the guys to the hospital? They could die.
14:14
Nah, they're still in the trunk. We're having a party.
14:16
Come on, man. Loosen up.
14:18
I promised I'd get those guys to the hospital.
14:20
And I don't break a promise.
14:22
Whoa, Stan. You don't pull a gun on a bro.
14:25
That's right. Stan, if you want to put that gun to good use...
14:27
then shoot my hooker's penis off.
14:29
Throw me the car keys. - I just had them. Where'd they go?
14:32
Hey, look. It's Misty.
14:36
[ Gasps ] Oh, no! She stole Dick's car. Those guys are in the trunk!
14:41
You knew about me?
14:43
I knew the whole time.
14:50
This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Those guys were in the trunk. What are we gonna do?
14:54
I have Lojack. We can find out where she took my car.
14:59
[ Beeping ]
15:01
[ Mouse Clicking ] - [ Stan ] Fernando Jaramillo.
15:04
Oh, my God! - Good. We all know who he is...
15:06
so we don't have to waste any time explaining it to each other.
15:09
I don't know who he is. - Oh, well, let me explain it to you.
15:12
Jaramillo is the most ruthless killer and crime lord on the Eastern Seaboard.
15:16
But why would the hooker take your car to this guy?
15:19
Probably to sell it 'cause Dick refused to pay her.
15:22
Dick don't pay for strange. You know that.
15:24
Look at my mug.
15:27
When Jaramillo finds a cop in the trunk, he'll kill them all.
15:30
So, we're good?
15:32
No! We gotta get 'em back! And I'm not going in there alone.
15:35
All you do is bitch and moan and pull guns on us.
15:38
You suck, Stan. - Hold on now.
15:41
I have one more question.
15:43
How old do you boys think I am? - Uh, 55?
15:46
Fifty-seven.
15:57
[Stan] Biscuit comin' in hot!
16:04
[ Whistles ] What a spread.
16:07
Looks like you want to spread 'em for Jaramillo.
16:13
[ Tools Whirring ]
16:22
They're gone. They must be dead!
16:24
So, we're good?
16:26
Clanging ]
16:31
[ All Gasp ]
16:33
I promised I'd come back for you.
16:37
Guns Cocking ]
16:43
Hello. You are trespassing on my property.
16:50
CIA. C.i.a. Very impressive. [ Snaps Fingers ]
17:05
Thank you for my new belt buckle.
17:07
Those are like 50 bucks to replace.
17:09
You four, get out. These three men belong to me.
17:14
I bought the car, and they were in the trunk.
17:17
This was also in the trunk, so it is also mine.
17:20
My beach supplies! - Are you gonna kill us?
17:23
Yes. In addition to chopping cars for parts...
17:27
I've also started chopping humans.
17:29
Want to know the irony?
17:31
I sell hearts, but I've never been in love.
17:35
I'm not leaving without those guys.
17:37
Then you are not leaving.
17:39
[ Guns Cock ]
17:41
Stan, it's over. There's nothing you can do.
17:43
Oh, really? Now, Biscuit! - [Growling ]
17:47
[ Distorted Growling ]
17:53
You think I'd come in here without a plan "B"?
17:56
Now, Cheesers!
17:57
[ Squeaking ]
17:59
Coward! I gave you everything!
18:03
It starts the first time every time.
18:09
Are you a betting man? - Go On.
18:11
You see that lawn mower over there?
18:13
If I can start it 10 times in a row without a single stall...
18:16
then you set them free.
18:18
And if you don't, I cut off your leg with that chain saw.
18:22
Okay, we have that. Put a pin in it.
18:24
Or— and get ready for this— I will give you a free Tarot card reading.
18:29
Huh? Know your future.
18:32
What mysteries does the deck hold for you?
18:35
Nah. I want your leg. - Suit yourself.
18:38
Stan, don't do this. - This is crazy!
18:40
Trust me. I Know a little something about lawn mowers.
18:47
[ Motor Sputters ]
18:51
Give it a sec.
18:54
Ring-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh— There it goes.
18:57
Duh-duh-duh-duh— She's a beaut. Duh-duh-duh-duh—
18:59
What'd you pay for her? Duh-duh-duh-duh, duh, duh— Oh, I'm out of gas.
19:02
Escort these three off of my property.
19:06
Bye, boys. It was a memorable night.
19:10
It was a real honor partyin' with you, Stan.
19:15
-[Whimpers ] - It's over, Biscuit.
19:19
Okay, hop up.
19:21
I already have a buyer for your leg.
19:23
I'm going to shave it and sell it to Heather Mills.
19:27
[ Whirring Loudly ]
19:31
[ Gunfire, Tires Screeching ]
19:33
[ Men Shouting, Punch Lands ]
19:36
What are you doing here? I thought you were at a party with Tyler.
19:39
He turned out to be a real jerk.
19:41
And it made me realize something—
19:43
I was a real jerk to you.
19:45
[TV Screaming ] - We shouldn't be fighting each other.
19:47
It's ridiculous to let other people judge us based on how we look.
19:50
Well, thanks, Roger. - What do you say! I go change...
19:53
and take you out for an apology drink? - You're on.
19:57
Roger, why are we at a frat—
19:59
Hi, everybody. Is this hog a blue ribbon or what?
20:02
Sooie! Pig, pig, pig, pig, piggy!
20:05
Roger! - [ Laughs ] Relax.
20:07
I don't expect to win. I'm just hoping to place.
20:15
Stan! - What are you so surprised about?
20:17
You left me with a guy who was about to cut my leg off. What'd you think was gonna happen?
20:30
Dude, how did you get out of that?
20:33
Cheesers came back.
20:34
You are a legend.
20:36
You gotta come out with us again tonight!
20:38
Sorry, boys. I've got better places to be.
20:42
/[ Motor Starts ]
20:44
[ Bernie On TV ] Yeah, there it is.
20:46
That's how you start a weed-whacker in one pull.
20:48
[ Motor Stops ] - How's the meat loaf?
20:50
Perfect. Everything's perfect.
20:53
It's time for you to call Bernie with your gardening questions.
20:57
Hello? Line one, you're on with Bernie.
20:59
[Stan] You son of a bitch, I'm gonna kill you.
21:01
I'm gonna finish this meat loaf...
21:03
get on a plane to Toronto, and shoot you in your lying face.
21:37
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
