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They literally cut off your ass...
S06E03 Home Adrone
15:14 – 15:15
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If the C.I.A. finds out that drone is gone, I'll get my ass handed to me.
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and present it to you in front of everyone.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Our little girl's going to look at a four-year college.
00:37
Isn't this exciting, Stan?
00:39
My little girl's growing up. Look at her.
00:42
Oh, Daddy. - Not you. Caitlin.
00:44
Okay, I'm all "weady" for my first "airpwane" ride.
00:48
The costume was my idea.
00:50
With Roger dressed as little Caitlin here, we can all pre-board.
00:52
My middle name is Miracle, 'cause I was born attached to a dead twin...
00:56
who had a second butt where his mouth was supposed to be.
00:59
That— That is messed up.
01:01
There he is, the man of the house.
01:03
All set for your first weekend home alone?
01:05
You really think he's ready, Stan?
01:07
Of course he is. He's never given us any reason not to trust him.
01:10
There was that one time I thought he got into my Playboys...
01:13
but it turned out I'd just been sleep-turbating.
01:15
Don't worry, Mom. When you get back, the house will be exactly as you left it.
01:19
Speaking of which, I did my final walk-through.
01:21
There's a scuff on the baseboard in the hallway...
01:24
and a ding on the refrigerator door.
01:26
Just initial here...
01:28
and here.
01:30
And a full signature here. - [ Scribbling ]
01:33
And then just the date.
01:36
It's the seventh.
01:37
This is a big weekend for you, kiddo.
01:40
As a symbol of our trust, I'm giving you this honorary key.
01:43
It's an exact replica of our house key.
01:45
I also want you to have this house key...
01:47
which is an exact replica of the honorary key...
01:49
except with the added benefit of functioning as a house key—
01:52
as does the honorary key.
01:54
Thanks for trusting me with the house, Dad.
01:56
You don't have to worry about a thing.
02:00
[ Steam Hisses ]
02:02
Wow. What a blaze
02:04
Thanks to Steve Smith of Langley Falls...
02:06
for sending us a photo of his home.
02:08
Next up on Burn a Scale Model of my House...
02:11
this replica of a lovely mid-century ranch house.
02:15
We're gonna burn it
02:17
[ Doorbell Rings ]
02:21
Hey, boys. What's crack-a-lackin'?
02:23
Nothin'. Let's do stuff.
02:25
sorry. The family's out of town, and I'm not supposed to have people over.
02:28
Wait. So you have the house all to yourself? Like overnight?
02:33
Oh, wow! - [ Gasps ]
02:35
Like I did when I was a baby.
02:38
You gotta let us in. - No way. My dad trusts me.
02:41
Dude, you're only young once.
02:43
This is your chance to embrace it.
02:46
But my dad— - You are not your dad, Steve.
02:49
Right now, you're being your mom...
02:52
because you have a huge "burgina."
02:56
Get in here.
02:59
Let's get crazy!
03:01
[ Whooping ]
03:04
Ready, go.
03:06
Ahh -[ Thud ]
03:10
[ Speaking Japanese ]
03:12
ale' [I Man Singing in Japanese ]
03:19
[I Continues ]
03:23
[Ends ]
03:25
Whoa. That's my dad's study. No one's allowed in there.
03:29
Not even your dad? [ Gasps ]
03:31
Remember I told you being stupid was gonna start gettin' painful?
03:35
Toshi, no
03:38
Okay, guys, let's get out of here.
03:40
Hey, what's this? - Snot, what are you doing?
03:45
Whoa! - Oh
03:47
Phone books! - A flight-simulator game.
03:50
Come on, Steve. We gotta get this puppy in the air.
03:53
Puppies can't fly. At least mine couldn't.
03:57
Well, I- I guess we could try it.
04:00
All right! Steve's on board.
04:02
That's aweso— Oh. Oh. Oh.
04:06
Everything gives me a rager lately.
04:08
And these new jean shorts are definitely an accomplice.
04:13
[ Beeping ]
04:17
[ Electrical Squeaking ]
04:18
[ Engines Whirring ]
04:28
[ Steve ] Wow. This game looks so real.
04:31
Look. There's an airport.
04:34
Let's blow up that plane.
04:38
[ Steve ] Three, two, one— - [ Beeping ]
04:41
Wait. We only have two missiles.
04:43
We should find something really cool to blow up...
04:46
like an oil refinery or a hospital ship.
04:49
Good thinking.
04:56
[ Pilot On PA. ] Folks, we've got an unidentified aircraft in the vicinity.
04:59
We've been grounded until further notice. - [ Passengers Groan ]
05:02
Great. That could take forever. I'm going to the newsstand.
05:05
In the terminal?
05:07
Stan, they won't let you. Once you get off, you can't get back on.
05:10
Can't I? You're talking to the guy...
05:12
who got off and back on prescription painkillers four times.
05:17
I "dwew' a "wainbow."
05:19
You, I'll have a gin and tonic.
05:21
Oh, and a small plastic bag and some industrial solvent.
05:23
[ Laughs ] Adorable.
05:26
But you're just a little girl. You can't drink or huff.
05:30
Oh, my God.
05:31
I'm trapped on a plane, and I can't get a drink.
05:34
No! No! [ Yelling ]
05:36
[ Crying ]
05:38
Ah, every time— stuck behind a crying baby.
05:41
Miss, can you control your little girl, because I-
05:43
Oh, you are not telling me how to raise my child!
05:46
You do not tell this woman how to raise her child.
05:49
You do not tell her how to raise me.
05:51
Mm-mmm. - No, you do not.
05:52
You have no idea what this woman has done.
05:55
[ Tweeting ]
05:57
Well, my little friend...
05:59
at least one of us can fly free.
06:04
[ Tweeting ]
06:07
[ Boys ] Yay!
06:08
Got it! How many points is a bird worth?
06:11
I don't know. But I think we got a bonus. There's a sorority house.
06:24
Wow! Uncensored nudity. This game must be from Japan.
06:28
[ Japanese ]
06:33
[ Screams ]
06:35
Ah, man. We must have used up all of our boob credits.
06:39
Well, let's go kill some more birds so it'll open back up.
06:45
Weird. This looks like our neighborhood.
06:47
And that looks like my house.
06:49
Yeah. But it's got some fat kid in the window.
06:52
[ Engine Whirring ] - They found us!
06:55
We're getting off the island!
06:57
This isn't a game.
06:59
We''re-We''re flying a military drone.
07:01
Pull up! Pull up!
07:05
I'm losing control.
07:08
Oh, no! What have I done?
07:10
[ Chittering ]
07:17
sir, the president's been killed.
07:19
[ Squirrels Gasp ] - My God.
07:21
So, what's our next move...
07:24
Mr. President?
07:28
There's going to be some changes around here.
07:37
We're so dead.
07:38
[ Japanese ]
07:44
Oh, good. My dad trusted me and I betrayed him.
07:46
He's gonna kill us. How's that boner now, Snot?
07:49
Look, Steve, I Know a mechanic who doesn't ask questions.
07:53
We can get it fixed up and put back before anyone notices.
07:57
You think? - Yeah. This guy's the best.
07:59
Last summer, my uncle hit a deer...
08:02
and this guy made his car as good as new.
08:05
It was a hooker.
08:07
My uncle told me to say it was a deer.
08:09
But she was okay.
08:11
She died.
08:16
I'm sorry, sir. You cannot reboard the aircraft.
08:18
What? What are you talking about?
08:20
Sir, we told you at least 10 times before you got off...
08:23
no one Is allowed to reboard.
08:25
Hmm. Doesn't sound familiar.
08:27
Now, I recall a conversation about me going to the newsstand...
08:30
for a John Grisham novel.
08:31
You recommended Pelican Brief - I recommended staying on the plane.
08:34
I recommended the Client.
08:36
Someone recommended Pelican Brief
08:37
I said you should get something by James Patterson.
08:40
Oh. Oh, I remember you.
08:43
Sir, no one is allowed to reboard.
08:46
You don't understand. I'm C.I.A.
08:48
I don't think you don't understand.
08:49
[ Electrical Crackling ] - [ Groaning ]
08:54
Oh, where's Leslie? I gotta show him this.
08:57
Leslie, I got one! Look at this big man on the floor.
09:01
Damn! Hey, you got any more of that trail mix left?
09:04
I told you. Get your own damn trail mix.
09:06
Oh. But I gave you a piece of Orbits gum the other day. You were fine with that.
09:10
Orbits gum, Orbits gum, Orbits gum.
09:12
Here we go again with the damn Orbits gum.
09:14
Take a picture of me with this fool.
09:16
[ Shutter Clicks ]
09:21
[ Gasping ]
09:24
Need booze. [ Gasping ]
09:28
Excuse me, ma'am. I just wanted to tell you...
09:30
that your little girl is adorable.
09:32
My little girl?
09:34
Oh, thank you!
09:36
Yep, she's our angel.
09:38
[ Chuckles, Vomits ]
09:41
[ Gasping, Vomits ] I'm dying.
09:44
Frannie, I want you to take over my Blimpie's franchise.
09:47
[ Gasps ] You'll run it right.
09:49
[ Nervous Laughter ] she loves to pretend.
09:52
I think she might have S-K-I-Z-T-O-F—
09:56
Double "F"?
09:58
I'm trying to spell "schizonophria."
10:03
[ Boys Grunting ]
10:08
Here we are.
10:10
"No Questions Asked." Just like I said. See?
10:13
Never seen a vehicle like this before.
10:15
Well, can you fix it? - Read the sign.
10:18
No questions asked. [ Whispering ] Not by anyone.
10:21
Oh. But how will we— - Eh.
10:24
Okay.
10:25
Um, you will fix the dents...
10:29
if you are willing. - I am willing.
10:31
You will do it right away for $12.
10:35
I will do it by Wednesday for $100.
10:38
You will do it by Tuesday for $75 and a date with my sister.
10:42
Is she hot? - [ Imitating Buzzer ] That's a question.
10:44
You just broke your own rule. - Did I?
10:49
[ Gasping ] I need a cocktail. Are we on an airplane?
10:54
Oh, my God! I'm becoming uncomfortably lucid.
10:56
Cut it out, Roger! - Well, you only have yourself to blame.
10:59
If you dress like a child, you're going to be treated like one.
11:02
That's it. I just need to change my costume.
11:05
God! This is ridiculous.
11:07
We could have walked to Boston by now.
11:09
Try to relax, honey.
11:10
Look. Skymall has an automatic cat feeder...
11:14
and an automatic water bowl...
11:16
and an automatic litter box.
11:18
I swear, it has never been easier to be a cat.
11:21
And it's never been easier to be an upper middle-class white man.
11:24
Roger? - You mean Stan. Stan Smith.
11:27
Stan— [ Lowers Voice ] Stan Smith.
11:29
i'm-i'm having trouble getting his voice right.
11:31
I'm just gonna make him sound like Sean Connery.
11:33
[ Imitating Sean Connery ] Sweetheart, I'll have a mangotini, shaken not stirred.
11:37
Stirred. [ Regular Voice ] Is that how I say it?
11:39
[ Imitating Sean Connery ] Stirred.
11:42
Why are you still here?
11:46
If that thing isn't fixed before my dad gets home, he's gonna kill me.
11:49
What? What?
11:52
Toshi, I can't understand what you're saying. I don't know why I call you.
11:54
Morning, Son.
11:56
Dad, what are you doing here?
11:58
I got off, and they wouldn't let me back on.
12:01
But subconsciously, I think I just wanted to come home and get these painkillers.
12:05
[ Sighs ] Normal.
12:07
Looks like everything's okay here.
12:09
I'm proud of you, Son. My trust was well placed.
12:12
I'll be in my study.
12:14
[ Hyperventilating ]
12:16
Looks like it's gonna be a guys weekend for you and me, huh?
12:19
I was thinking we'd rent crossbows, go to the dog park...
12:21
see where the day takes us. - [ Sighs ]
12:24
Uh, Steve? Could you come in here?
12:28
Um, y-yeah, Dad?
12:30
When I left, this briefcase was here.
12:33
Now it's here.
12:34
Do you have any idea how it could have gotten from here to here?
12:38
[ Whimpering ]
12:39
Because cases don't just move from here to here...
12:43
when it was here.
12:45
Oh, wait. I did leave it here. Never mind.
12:47
[ Sighs ]
12:50
[ Steady Beep ] - Off line?
12:53
[ Tires Screech ]
12:57
It's gone! - Did someone take your lunch too?
13:00
I keep telling the brass, but they won't listen.
13:03
Somebody on this base is taking lunches.
13:11
[ Sighs ]
13:13
You! - [ Screams ]
13:14
What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
13:17
[ Grunts ] - [ Toilet Flushes ]
13:18
You were in my study! - No, I wasn't!
13:21
[ Grunts ] - [ Toilet Flushes ]
13:22
You took the drone! - I don't know what you're talking about!
13:25
[ Painful Grunt ] - [ Toilet Flushes ]
13:27
[ Shouting ] What's your name? - Steve Smith!
13:29
Funny. When you tell the truth, you don't need to flush.
13:33
Your ass has betrayed you.
13:35
[ Sobs ] Okay, it was me.
13:41
Clean yourself up.
13:42
[ Sobbing ]
13:47
[Pilot On P.A. ] Yeah, good news, folks.
13:49
Weve finally been cleared for takeoff. - Oh, thank God.
13:53
Hey, where's little Caitlin? - Who?
13:54
Your daughter. Where is she? - I don't know. Somewhere.
13:58
Why do you care? - I care about the safety of all our passengers.
14:01
I'm the air marshal. Now, where is she?
14:04
Oh. Um, she's in the lavatory. - Oh. Okay.
14:08
What are you talking about? I was just at the lavatories. There's nobody back there.
14:12
So you don't know where Caitlin is.
14:14
Of course we do. She's, uh—
14:17
Oh, my God. She doesn't know.
14:19
She lost our daughter! - Roger, cut it out.
14:21
Hey, what's going on here? - Where is she? Where is my little angel?
14:26
Hold me back like Sean Penn in Mystic River. Is that my daughter in there?
14:29
No, no. Hold them back. Is that my daughter in—
14:31
No. Hold them. Is that my— You are worthless.
14:34
I can't believe I trusted you.
14:36
[ Sobbing ] I know!
14:42
You brought a $50 million drone to a body shop?
14:46
Snot vouched for them. I'm sure it's—
14:51
Everything's gone.
14:53
Steve, it's so hard for me to admit I'm wrong.
14:56
What are you talking about? This is my fault.
14:58
I mean when you were little and I told you there was nothing you could ever do...
15:01
to make me stop loving you.
15:03
Son, I was wrong.
15:10
If the C.I.A. finds out that drone is gone, I'll get my ass handed to me.
15:14
They literally cut off your ass...
15:16
and present it to you in front of everyone.
15:18
It's actually a very nice ceremony.
15:20
[ Muffled Cries ]
15:23
Thank God.
15:24
Tell me who did this. - Chinese mafia.
15:27
I couldn't pay my gambling debts.
15:29
I play high-stakes "ball-in-the-cup" thing.
15:31
I bet you $500 I can get the ball in the cup.
15:33
Okay.
15:35
Damn. I don't have the money right now, but I can get it.
15:38
I just need time. Just give me time!
15:40
You have three days. Now, I need that drone!
15:43
They took it. They took everything that wasn't nailed to the floor...
15:46
including my floor-nailing machine...
15:48
which nails other things to the floor.
15:50
But because it has to be moved from place to place to do so...
15:52
is not itself nailed to the floor.
15:54
Where can I find them? - Well, I got mine at United Floor Nailing.
15:57
I can— - No! The Chinese mafia!
15:59
They hang out in a warehouse in Chinatown, Third and Franklin.
16:01
I'm coming with you, Dad. - Forget it, Steve.
16:04
I would only have someone I trust by my side...
16:07
like a nightclub owner.
16:08
Anyone in the entertainment industry.
16:14
Look, I don't care if you're all tired and uncomfortable.
16:17
We're not going anywhere until we find that little girl.
16:19
Roger, we've been sitting on this runway for 16 hours.
16:24
I'm begging you, change back into your Caitlin costume.
16:28
Not until I find my little angel.
16:30
You are that little angel, dumb-ass. - Oh.
16:33
All right, people, I'm done screwing around.
16:36
There's a human life at stake— a little girl.
16:38
And until she's returned to me safely...
16:41
I'm gonna kill a passenger every 60 seconds, starting with this little boy.
16:45
[ Passengers Gasp ] I]
16:47
They found her!
16:49
Thank God.
16:51
Every day is a gift from now on, son.
16:58
Freeze! Let me see your hands.
17:00
Where's the plane you stole? - Oh, that thing? Yeah, we sold it to Tim.
17:04
He's using it for his parade float. It's the Chinese New Year.
17:07
Parade float? Idiots.
17:09
That's a $50 million piece of military hardware.
17:12
And I just renewed the parking sticker.
17:15
Fifty million bucks? Tim got a great deal.
17:18
Ooh! Ooh! Let's kill this guy and then go get it back.
17:22
[ Grunts ]
17:24
I can't believe we all missed him.
17:26
Well, actually, not killing people is kind of my New Year's resolution.
17:30
Really? That's your resolution?
17:33
You sure there's nothing else you wanna work on?
17:36
[ Chattering, Applause ]
17:42
The drone!
17:47
C.I.A. I'm commandeering this float.
17:49
[ Grunts ] - [I Yells, Groans ]
17:52
[ Whistling ]
17:58
[ Knives Scraping ]
18:03
[ Grunts, Groaning ]
18:11
[ Screams ]
18:20
[ Growls ]
18:27
[ Yells ]
19:08
[[ Thinking ] Come on, Stan.
19:10
The CIA. spent years training you for this exact situation.
19:14
Use that training.
19:28
So long, suckers!
19:30
[ Scattered Applause ] - [ Clicking ]
19:32
Give it up. You're surrounded.
19:37
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - Hello.
19:39
[Steve] Dad get on the drone.
19:41
i know I let you down, but you gotta trust me.
19:43
I hope you know what you're doing.
19:51
[ Whimpering ]
19:53
[ All Gasp ] - The prophecy has been fulfilled.
19:55
The great dragon awakens!
19:57
Oh, with a white guy riding him. Awesome.
20:01
Steve, you're gonna get me killed.
20:03
I told you, Dad Trust me. Look to your left
20:18
[ Sobbing ]
20:20
It was a really nice float, Tim.
20:22
[ Sniffles ] I thought if I won...
20:25
maybe Susan would come back.
20:28
[ Pilot On PA. ] Well folks, we're finally cleared for takeoff
20:31
[ Passengers Cheering ] - [ Man ] Finally!
20:34
[ Pilot ] Uh, false alarm.
20:36
[Passengers Groaning ] - [I Hayley ] Oh, my [ Bleeps ] God!
20:38
So, do you trust me now, Dad?
20:41
Steve, it's not easy to regain someone's trust.
20:43
It takes a long time— like building a house or pleasing a fat woman.
20:47
I understand.
20:48
But saving me was a good start.
21:01
So, Mr. President, what's your first priority?
21:04
Health care? Foreign affairs?
21:11
I'm gonna get me whatever's in that bird feeder across the way.
21:48
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
