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Fake hymens for those not-so-well-behaved Middle Eastern brides.
S06E06 Shallow Vows
02:16 – 02:19
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These beauties are packed full of ox blood.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
Klaus, I brought you a present from the C.I.A. lab.
00:38
A fish with a human brain just like me?
00:42
[ Woman ] ~ At last ♪
00:46
[ Needle Scratches Record ] - No, it's just a regular fish.
00:48
They took its retinas out...
00:49
for an eye-scanning experiment.
00:51
I brought the little blind guy home to keep you company.
00:56
[ Gasps ]
00:57
Well, enjoy.
00:59
Hey there, beautiful.
01:00
Bring that body over here.
01:04
Stan! My fanny!
01:06
Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:08
Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:09
Pump it up! Pump it up! Pump it up!
01:12
[ Together ] Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:14
Give me some of that Frannie fanny!
01:16
Give me— - All right, enough of that.
01:17
It's clearly all chorus and I won't be a part of it.
01:19
You've been getting that Frannie fanny...
01:21
for almost 20 years.
01:22
What now? - You do remember...
01:24
our 20th wedding anniversary's coming up, right?
01:27
Of course. That's why I've planned to, uh— to—
01:31
Have a magical ceremony to renew your vows.
01:34
Roger, that's a terrible— - [ Kissing ]
01:37
Oh, Stan. You always take such good care of me.
01:40
Yup. I remember when Stan came to me months ago...
01:43
and asked me to plan the whole thing.
01:47
Right, Stan?
01:49
Yes. - Great.
01:50
Just cut me that check for $6,800—
01:52
the budget we agreed upon— and I'll get started.
01:55
$6,800?
01:57
Oh, Stan, I'm so lucky...
01:59
to be married to such a good provider.
02:03
Just make it out to Jeannie Gold Weddings.
02:05
Who's that?
02:06
Jeannie Gold, wedding planner.
02:09
This is my emergency wedding kit.
02:11
Everything you need for last-minute snafus.
02:13
Needle and thread. Band-Aids for sore heels.
02:16
Fake hymens for those not-so-well-behaved Middle Eastern brides.
02:19
These beauties are packed full of ox blood.
02:21
Trust me, that bedroom will look like the set of a Wes Craven movie the next morning.
02:29
You must be the children. Jeannie Gold.
02:32
I wanted to discuss the gift you're buying your parents for their anniversary.
02:35
I'm just gonna get them a card. - Sign my name to it.
02:37
"Forever yours, S." They'll know.
02:40
You'll do better than a card! It's their 20th! China is the traditional gift.
02:44
Leave us alone, Roger. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
02:48
I went a little Ike Turner.
02:50
Caught you on the side of the head so you can cover it with your hair.
02:52
I don't want you bruised for the photos. That's how good I am.
02:54
Now find a meaningful gift! Disappoint me and next time you'll be dealing with Valik!
02:58
Who? - Listen to Jeannie, or I cut you!
03:04
Two weeks from today, Francine, you will be here walking down the aisle.
03:08
I've re-created the menu, the flowers.
03:10
I even have a string quartet playing the score from Room With a View.
03:14
We didn't have that at our wedding.
03:16
After your reception, when you and Stan drove away in the limo...
03:19
you heard a song playing from a third-story window.
03:21
You didn't know what it was, but secretly wished you had walked down the aisle to it.
03:24
How did you— I never shared that with anyone.
03:27
Last Wednesday when you were in the bath, I snuck up and ethered you good.
03:30
While in your twilight state, you admitted your regret.
03:33
You hummed that song for me. I had a top musicologist beside me and he identified it.
03:37
He saw me naked?
03:38
Honey, please. He's a musicologist. He sees it every day.
03:41
Here's the number of my tailor. He can let your wedding dress out.
03:44
Oh, I don't need to. It still fits.
03:47
Really? Look at you!
03:49
She is just beautiful. - That's the reason I married her.
03:52
Well, that's not the only reason. - Yes, it is.
03:54
There was nothing else? - Nope.
03:57
Just my appearance? - That is correct.
04:00
W-what he means is, your beauty emanates from within.
04:03
No, I don't.
04:04
You know, I'm not so sure I want to renew vows with—
04:07
Don't give up on this, Francine. There were good times.
04:10
Think back. He must have done something to show his love was true.
04:13
[ Burp ] Ignore that. Steak-umms.
04:15
Well, two weeks before our wedding...
04:17
stan and I agreed not to see each other.
04:20
At the ceremony, when I stepped out of the limo...
04:23
he ran to me, picked me up and swung me around...
04:27
and told me he never wanted to be away from me again!
04:31
But now I realize he only loved me for my looks.
04:34
What? He was joking! Stan, tell her.
04:37
Oh- Yeah, yeah! Of course. I was joking!
04:39
I love you for more than your looks.
04:41
You have no sense of humor. Good thing you're pretty.
04:44
Oh, another joke. Shut up, Stan. You're too funny.
04:47
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.
04:49
Just like before, you won't see each other for two weeks.
04:51
Then we'll re-create your reunion at the wedding.
04:54
I'll film the whole thing and make it an extra on the DVD...
04:57
along with the musicologist touching you in the bath.
05:00
I'm kidding. At least I think I'm kidding.
05:02
I left him alone with her for a half hour while I took a nap.
05:04
What do you say, honey?
05:08
Okay, Roger. Let's do it. - It's still on!
05:11
I'm Jeannie Gold, wedding planner extraordinaire!
05:15
And a survivor.
05:21
He'll see you in two weeks just like before. - [ Kisses ]
05:26
[ Door Closes ] - I got to hand it to you. You're doing a great job.
05:28
Are you hitting on me? - What?
05:30
This happens all the time. I will not let you ruin your wedding!
05:33
I will give you a handy-j to keep you out of trouble.
05:44
Can I help you find something?
05:46
We're looking for some china for our parents' 20th anniversary gift.
05:49
What do you have for under 30 bucks?
05:52
These porcelain thimbles. - We'll take them.
05:54
Them? [ Chuckles ] No. It's $30 for one.
05:58
Just put it in your largest free box.
06:01
I'll be paying with a combination of change, check, and the value of this dance.
06:05
May I? - Oh, I shouldn't.
06:07
But... yes.
06:10
[ Humming ]
06:16
[ Classical ]
06:22
You, idiot boy, put some stones on the bridal runner so the breeze won't take it.
06:26
You, distribute these bags of rice to the guests.
06:28
Our policy is not to throw rice. It's bad for the birds.
06:31
Screw the birds! Here's what I think of the birds!
06:35
[ Squawk ]
06:37
Roger, where— Aww.
06:40
Where's Francine? - Francine is on her way with her parents.
06:43
Stan, these are my sons, Alex and Ron. They're in Columbia Film School.
06:47
-How is that possible? -I know. I look too young to have kids in college.
06:50
No, that you have children when your persona is totally fabricated.
06:53
"We are the music-makers. We are the dreamers of dreams."
06:56
That is an unsatisfying answer.
07:00
You kids bought the gift?
07:02
Oh, from Landon's! De-lovely!
07:07
You could put it in a curio case. You could sew with it.
07:10
A little mouse could wear it for a hat.
07:13
[ Crunch ] - [ Gasps ]
07:15
The boy is to die first!
07:18
[ Screams, Groaning ]
07:20
[ Man ] Here comes the bride!
07:24
What happened? Let me get that for you, dear. Bite down on this.
07:29
[ Groaning, Muffled Screaming ]
07:35
Good as new. Don't go into shock. Today's not about you.
07:38
[ Moaning ] - Okay, everyone! Places!
07:40
[ Strings: Processional ]
07:46
Mom, here she comes!
07:50
I'm ready to renew our vows.
07:52
[ Gasps ] - Alex, Ronnie, cut!
07:55
Mama's not making a monster movie.
08:03
What are you looking for? - The makeup guy from Norbit
08:06
Rick Baker, get out here, you talented son of a bitch!
08:09
Stan, this is me.
08:11
What the hell happened?
08:13
I stopped doing my beauty regimen.
08:15
And started her ugly regimen.
08:17
[ Laughing ]
08:19
Ah, you boys keep me young.
08:21
You don't know what it takes for me to look good.
08:23
After you leave for work I do the treadmill until I throw up.
08:27
Then I go to my hairdresser where I get my roots touched up.
08:31
Followed by a lunch Of iced tea and laxatives.
08:35
Then I wax my arms, legs and eyebrows...
08:38
while power-lifting the couch to tone the fanny you love so much.
08:43
[ Gasps ]
08:44
-[ Ripping ] - [ Screaming, Groaning ]
08:49
[ Heart Beating ]
09:02
Haaaa... lo!
09:04
Hey, beautiful.
09:07
And I also stopped wearing my retainer. - Why are you doing this?
09:11
Stan, we've been married for 20 years...
09:14
and all this time you've only appreciated me for my looks?
09:18
I need you to love me for who I am on the inside!
09:21
He does. He totally does. On with the show. We'll meet you at the altar.
09:27
Oh, man. She scared me.
09:29
You see that? I almost punched her in the face.
09:31
Stan, remember. The first rule of any wedding is the bride is always beautiful.
09:36
The second rule you can read on my Web site. You have to be 18 to log on.
09:40
I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone.
09:43
I could get in a lot of trouble.
09:45
If you do decide to check it out, you need to clear your history right away.
09:48
You may need to uninstall your browser.
09:50
I'm telling you, scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not.
09:53
They will take us both to jail. - [ Processional ]
09:58
It's worse when she's in motion.
10:00
I can't go through with this. I'm just gonna sneak out.
10:03
I don't want to embarrass anyone by making a scene.
10:06
[ Shouting, Groaning ]
10:17
[ Guests Murmuring, Screaming ]
10:23
Stan, can you get rid of this fish corpse floating in my bowl?
10:26
It's starting to bum me out.
10:29
You ran out on our wedding?
10:30
To be fair— To be fair, Francine—
10:33
To be fair, you're ugly.
10:36
This was a test to see if you loved me for who I am.
10:39
And you failed! - I wasn't in the mood to be tested!
10:42
Are you that shallow, Stan?
10:44
If after 20 years of marriage you can find nothing more to love about me than my looks...
10:50
then I don't even know why we're married.
10:52
Either you love me for who I am or lose me forever.
10:58
Okay, okay.
11:00
If it means that much to you, I'll try to get to Know the real you.
11:05
Honest? - Honest.
11:07
It'll be like dating all over again.
11:10
Only this time you'll be the one with the mustache.
11:15
But, Stan, wait! The fish!
11:17
[ Sighs ]
11:18
Well, I guess I could make love to it one more time...
11:21
before the stench makes me vomit.
11:29
This is fun, huh?
11:34
There you go.
11:38
There it is. - [ Breathing ]
11:45
Stan, an Orthodox Jewish service...
11:47
is a very strange place for a date.
11:49
Did you take me here so you wouldn't have to look at me?
11:52
Francine, please. The Torah is out of the ark. Show some respect.
11:55
[ Chanting In Hebrew ]
12:00
[ Francine Moaning ]
12:03
I Knew you could get past my looks.
12:04
[ Sighs ] A hundred and nine.
12:07
A hundred and nine what?
12:12
That's it, Stan! We're through!
12:16
I want you out of this house! - No, you don't.
12:19
[ Grunting ]
12:21
Whoa, whoa! Francine, be careful.
12:23
Lift with your fat, ugly legs, not your fat, ugly back.
12:29
[ Spits ]
12:30
I forgot my bathroom key. So you're here late.
12:33
Yeah. I got to clean up after all those animals you folks blinded.
12:37
[ Squawk ] - Looks like one got out.
12:39
No. I left the cages open.
12:40
I can't afford to go to the movies, so this makes me laugh.
12:45
I could use a good laugh. My wife kicked me out. - Ooh.
12:49
Is she fine? 'Cause I'll give a fine bitch a call.
12:51
No, she's not fine. That's the problem. Can't stand the sight of her.
12:55
But I love her. I mean, she's my wife.
12:57
Well, you better do something quick...
13:00
'cause you know they miss you at first, but that wears off.
13:05
I don't Know what to do.
13:07
[ Screeching ]
13:09
[ Snickering, Laughing ]
13:12
That stupid monkey!
13:16
[ Piano ]
13:19
Hello, Stan. I got your message.
13:22
Oh, Francine, thank you for meeting me.
13:24
Look, I know I've been acting like an ass, but I'm committed to this.
13:27
Committed to us.
13:29
Oh, Stan. You're meeting me in a public, well-lit place.
13:33
You're really trying. - I really am.
13:36
I already ordered some wine so we can toast to our future.
13:39
There's a dog doing a handstand on the label. Stan, we can't afford this.
13:44
Nothing but the best for my lady.
13:47
[ Gasps ] Oh, I'll go get a towel.
13:49
That's okay. I'll just use my napkin.
13:52
That's better. - Stan, what is going on with you?
13:55
I love you, Francine, and I didn't want to lose you, but I can't get past your looks.
13:59
So I did the only sensible thing a man in my position would do.
14:03
I had my retinas removed! I'm completely blind!
14:06
[ Gasps ] - A toast... to us.
14:14
[ Door Slams ] - I can't believe what Stan did!
14:20
Ready.
14:22
He took his retinas out! - Does this story come with a dictionary?
14:25
I don't know what retinas are. What are you telling me? - He blinded himself!
14:29
Oh. So where is the big dope?
14:31
Oh, for the love of—
14:33
So Jackson's grandmother went to law school in the '30s, okay?
14:36
That is a strong woman.
14:38
Come on, Stan!
14:41
You are unbelievable!
14:42
I did it to save our marriage.
14:44
My eyes were getting me into trouble, so I had the C.I.A. take my retinas out.
14:48
Now that I'm blind, I can fall in love with your insides.
14:51
Then I'll be able to stomach your outside.
14:53
I'll be like Joan Cusack's husband. - [ Sobbing ]
14:58
When Grandma Ling was on her deathbed...
15:00
she said, "Look into my eyes, Francine, and you'll never be alone."
15:05
And I did, and it made me feel so safe.
15:09
And now I can't even look my own husband in the eyes.
15:12
That's the most moving story I've ever heard.
15:15
I must have told you that story at least 30 times.
15:18
Yes, but this is the first time I listened.
15:20
I want to know everything about you. - Really?
15:23
Well, I was born September 26th.
15:25
You're a Libra! I need to know more! Where are you from?
15:28
Do you have any children?
15:32
What's in this? It's fantastic. - I make this all the time.
15:35
I guess I'd never truly tasted your cooking before.
15:38
You're such an intriguing woman, Francine.
15:41
Tell me your dreams. Where do you park when you go to the airport?
15:44
Parking lot C.
15:46
[ Stan Moaning ]
15:51
Oh, Stan, without your eyesight...
15:53
you've become a much better lover.
15:55
I'm just so in tune with your body.
15:58
I'm gonna slap your big, round ass. - Damn right you are!
16:02
Ow! That's my head!
16:03
Roger? What are you doing in here?
16:05
I just came to tell you that Jeannie Gold's business is ruined because of you...
16:08
and then I... kinda got caught up in the show.
16:11
Well, tell Jeannie she'll get another chance.
16:14
We're gonna go ahead and renew our vows.
16:16
That is, if you'll have me.
16:18
Oh, Stan. Of course I will.
16:21
It's last minute, but I can get us the Willow Room.
16:24
It'll take all of my Radisson points. But what am I saving them for?
16:27
A man? Ha! I'm too set in my ways.
16:30
Alex Trebek, a chamomile tea and a chapter of Little Women, and I'm out by 8:15.
16:36
Mom and Dad are gonna love this present.
16:39
How much longer do we have to sit like this?
16:41
He's putting on the finishing touches.
16:44
Ooh! The muses have taken him!
16:47
[ Grunting ]
16:50
He's done!
16:53
[ Hayley ] Wow, it's beautiful
16:55
Yeah. I'm surprised how good it is.
16:57
[ Speaking Japanese ]
17:08
Oh, no! The vows ceremony is tomorrow!
17:11
What are we gonna do? - Valik's gonna kill us!
17:13
[ Groans ] My scar's burning.
17:16
He's thinking of me!
17:20
[ Chuckling ] - What?
17:22
I notice you let out little farts all the time. It's cute.
17:25
They don't even smell that bad. This one does, but usually they don't.
17:28
I can't wait to renew our vows tomorrow.
17:31
In some strange way, your blindness is the best thing that has ever happened to us.
17:38
You're right. My plan was to get it reversed, but being blind is great.
17:42
It's given our relationship depth.
17:44
Now you won't have to spend all day making yourself pretty. You can take care of me full time.
17:48
What? - Except, of course, when you're at work.
17:51
Work? - I'm a blind bastard, Francine.
17:53
You'll be providing for the family now.
17:55
I can't be a provider! - Sure you can.
17:57
Let's see. What kind of job can an ugly person do?
18:00
Run the equipment sign-out room at a Y.M.C.A.
18:03
You could wrap flowers in a supermarket, manage a Jo-Ann Fabrics.
18:07
Think about it, Francine. Management.
18:09
You're not Filipino, so you can't be a nurse.
18:12
[ Keyboard: Ballad ]
18:17
I'm sure she's on her way. she's only three hours late.
18:21
Padre, stop looking so tense.
18:22
You're stressing everyone out.
18:24
You need to relax.
18:28
You bitch! You left me and Stan at the altar!
18:31
You made fools of us!
18:32
You are going to apologize to me, and you're gonna apologize to—
18:37
Oh, for the love of—
18:39
[ Door Opens ] - Come on, Stan.
18:43
Francine! Are you in the room?
18:46
I smell chicken fingers, so I know you're in the room.
18:49
I'm here.
18:51
I can't believe you didn't show.
18:53
You know why I didn't show?
18:55
I didn't get married to take care of somebody!
18:58
I got married to be taken care of! - I''m not the bad guy here!
19:01
You're the one who doesn't want to be with me because I'm blind!
19:04
I don't want to be a provider!
19:06
And I don't want an ugly wife. - Well, I-
19:09
I guess I'm just as shallow as you are.
19:12
I guess you are.
19:13
So what if we got married for surface reasons? It works.
19:16
You're right! Why fix something that's not broken?
19:19
Absolutely. We may be shallow, but our love is deep.
19:24
[ Moaning ]
19:26
The vows are back on.
19:28
Okay, we blew the budget on the first two ceremonies.
19:31
Not sure how, but Jeannie Gold is going to make it spectacular.
19:36
[ Video Game Noises ] - [ Boy ] Number 42!
19:43
I promise when you start to sag to subject you to risky elective surgery.
19:47
And I promise to be with you only if you make money and stay healthy.
19:51
Alzheimer's runs in my family.
19:53
You'll be dealing with that solo.
19:55
I had no budget left. I went to the party store...
19:58
and bought the leftover Thanksgiving decorations from the half-price bin.
20:01
I think you did a great job, Mom.
20:03
I did when I made you!
20:05
Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to present to you, once again as husband and wife—
20:10
[ Man ] Can we get more garlic bread?
20:12
Stan and Francine Smith.
20:14
[ Applause, Guests Sighing ] - Move it along.
20:16
We only have the place for another half hour.
20:19
Who wants orange? Root beer?
20:21
I got two light beers.
20:22
They were on the dashboard of my car for a long time. They are hot to the touch.
20:26
Anybody?
20:27
They do not have dessert here, but I brought a bag of Chips Ahoy.
20:30
I was keeping it in a cooler so the chocolate chips wouldn't melt...
20:33
but the water soaked through the bag.
20:35
Long story short, some of the cookies are wet.
20:37
I'll spread them out over here in the sun. Help yourselves.
20:39
Everyone having a good time? Best wedding ever, right? I'm ruined.
20:42
Soft [ Jazz]
20:45
Have you seen Steve and Hayley?
20:49
[ Clucking ]
20:54
That maniac Valik will never find us here.
20:57
Mm-hmm.
21:48
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
