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I can't get Dick Van Patten's eyes to light up.
S06E07 My Morning Straitjacket
15:23 – 15:26
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and then shocked by the amount of drugs and whores I can do.
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Keep trying, Bo.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:36
Ah God, that's awful
00:38
Francine, Courteney Cox played a chef on Friends.
00:41
Your cooking is worse than her acting!
00:43
so I saw something today that's really stayed with me.
00:45
After encountering some guys from the football team...
00:48
Toshi and I were looking for my pants in the drainage ditch.
00:50
And then we saw a squirrel get run over.
00:52
[ Gasps ] Oh
00:54
Isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard, Stan? - Eh.
00:58
Stan, a squirrel died today.
01:01
Doesn't that make you feel sad?
01:03
Doesn't that make you feel anything?
01:05
Yeah. Annoyed. Annoyed at the squirrel for jaywalking...
01:08
annoyed at Steve for losing his pants...
01:10
and annoyed at the football player for not being my son!
01:13
Spoiler alert! The sweet potatoes suck.
01:16
How can sweet potatoes not be sweet? Hmm?
01:18
Frannie, how'd you take the sweet out of the potatoes?
01:21
Let's say grace.
01:24
Where's Hayley? - Oh, she went to some rock concert.
01:26
Rock concert?
01:28
Honey, it's just a concert.
01:30
She went to listen to rock music, Francine!
01:33
That's the devil's music! It's the number one cause...
01:35
of teen pregnancy, school violence and leather pants!
01:38
Stan, all you ever feel is anger.
01:41
Why is that the only emotion you can express?
01:43
Because people make me mad all the time for being stupid about everything!
01:47
Now, pass me the—[ Bleeps ] sweet potatoes!
01:55
Stan? It's 1:00 in the morning.
01:58
What are you doing? - I think it's pretty obvious.
02:00
Hayley's still at that concert.
02:02
When she gets home, I'm gonna scare her straight.
02:04
[ Vehicle Pulls Up ] - That's her!
02:11
[ Roars ] - [ Screams ]
02:13
[ Groans ] What'd you do that for?
02:16
You scared the hell out of me! - No more concerts for you!
02:19
[ Chuckles ] Yeah. Good luck with that.
02:21
I will not let you throw your life away like your uncle did...
02:24
spending all his time at the bowling alley...
02:26
running around with that lady from the tire shop...
02:28
flipping giant pancakes with a shovel.
02:30
Dad, that's the movie Uncle Buck
02:32
The point is, you're wasting your life.
02:33
Music isn't a waste, Dad. And My Morning Jacket is awesome.
02:37
Your Morning what? - Honey, My Morning Jacket is the name of the band.
02:41
Oh, yeah! I'm a cool mom... who can also hang loose.
02:46
I'm way into peace, which is A-okay.
02:50
Going my way?
02:53
Well, they're playing again tomorrow night, and I'm going.
02:56
Is that right? - [ Gasps ]
02:58
Spider say burp! - God, I hate you!
03:03
[ Door Slams Shut ] - I'm gonna sleep in my web tonight.
03:06
I am furious!
03:08
I know. It sucks. I wish I could go.
03:11
Okay. Bye. - [ Beeps ]
03:13
How ya doin', honey? - What is Dad's problem with music?
03:16
Well, music makes you feel things...
03:18
and your dad's a bit of an emotional tight-ass, and a literal one.
03:22
Which is why it took half a bottle of ether and salad tongs to get this!
03:27
[ Gasps ] Mom! Ew!
03:29
Awesome! - I also found this.
03:32
It looks like a turd. - Look closer.
03:35
It's clearly a turd. - Taste it.
03:41
It's... chocolate.
03:43
Yeah. Your dad must think I'm getting fat.
03:45
So he's been hiding it in the one place he thought I couldn't reach—
03:49
behind the fridge.
03:51
Anyway, have fun at the show rockin' it.
03:54
Oh, Mom, you're the best.
03:55
Hey, I went to a few concerts when I was your age.
03:58
i'd get backstage all the time.
04:01
Of course back then, you really had to work for it...
04:03
not like today with all these sissy radio giveaways.
04:07
"Oh, you're caller 96. Bravo!" [ Scoffs ]
04:11
Fit that whole phone in your mouth, you might have been able to hang with my crew.
04:15
Wait. If I'm not here tonight, won't Dad figure out where I went?
04:18
You leave your father to me.
04:22
Hey, everyone, it's me, Hayley!
04:24
sorry I'm late. I was doing Hayley stuff.
04:26
Peace and whatnot. Tom's of Maine. I'm the daughter.
04:29
Settle down, Hayley. - Screw you, Stan!
04:31
Roger! - Wait. Roger? Well, then where's—
04:34
She went to that concert!
04:39
Well, I'm gonna go beg for money on the beach since I'm dressed for it.
04:44
[ Audience Cheering ] - [I Tires Screeching ]
04:48
I'll just put in these C.I.A. noise-canceling earplugs.
04:52
Then I won't have to expose myself to that filth when I yank that girl out of there.
04:55
Then what are you gonna do?
04:59
[ Cheering Continues, Muted ]
05:00
[[ Thinking ] Idiots. Paying good money...
05:02
To see something they've already heard on a record.
05:04
Get a job, hippie!
05:07
It's called a shower. you douche bag! Ooh. She's hot
05:12
Eh, better comin' than goin'.
05:16
[ Cheering Continues: Muted ] - [I Rock: Muted ]
05:18
[I'll never find her in here
05:22
Well that could have taken a lot longer.
05:28
You're coming home right now!
05:32
Look, everything is fine. I'm her father.
05:34
She's not going! - You don't understand! Damn it, I said I'm her—
05:37
[ Continues, Louder ]
05:40
Do you hear an angel? - What?
05:42
An angel possessing you, living in your heart?
05:47
[I Vocalizing ]
06:08
Oh, my God.
06:14
I feel everything!
06:16
And number five feels alive!
06:27
Whoo! Whoo!
06:30
Whoo! - Whoo!
06:31
Whoo! What are we doing?
06:34
Oh, my God, Francine. This band, My Morning Jacket— Incredible.
06:38
That's great, honey.
06:40
That stuff you were saying about me only feeling anger—
06:42
Well, I feel everything now, baby. I cried, Francine.
06:45
I actually cried, the way you wanted me to...
06:48
at the birth of our children, instead of just punching that locker.
06:51
Oh, Stan, I want to hear all about it.
06:54
And I want to hear all of their music right now.
06:56
Hey, I can download them on my cell phone.
06:59
[ Beeps ] - Cell phone, play My Morning Jacket.
07:01
/[ Female Electronic Voice ] Do you want me to call Maureen Jacket?
07:04
You're still in touch with Maureen Jacket? - No.
07:07
I haven't talked to her in years. - [ Line Ringing ]
07:09
[ Woman ] Hey, Stan. Thanks again for lunch yesterday.
07:11
Oh, you left your sandals in my Car. - [ Beeps ]
07:16
[Man] - By the way you smile!
07:21
I'm smiling too ♪
07:24
I see myself in you
07:29
I am with it
07:32
-,* Ooh, man, I am wired - No way! Hey!
07:36
[ Volume Decreases ] - Stan, you didn't come to bed last night.
07:38
I checked the couch. I checked all three of your webs.
07:41
This singer, Francine— Jim James—
07:43
has the most angelic voice.
07:46
He makes Enya sound like a Russian couple arguing at the bowling alley.
07:49
stan, I'm glad you're having fun.
07:52
But you're supposed to be at work. You're really late.
07:54
Yeah, 42 years late.
07:57
Francine, Jim James writes stuff I think...
08:00
like, "We are the innovators. They are the imitators."
08:03
I thought that, like, two years ago, but I never said anything.
08:06
Oh, Dad, if you like My Morning Jacket...
08:08
wait until you hear this new band I've been listening to.
08:11
I thought you liked My Morning Jacket. - I do, but—
08:14
You whore! Music slut!
08:17
Shaking those ears all over town, lettin' anyone in!
08:20
Get out of this room! - What?
08:21
Go on! Get out of this sanctuary!
08:23
You're not fit to hear the music of Jim! - But I'm the one—
08:25
Stan, don't you think that was a little harsh? - [ Continues ]
08:28
Oh! Oh, I love this part. Listen to this, Francine.
08:30
And by listen, I really mean hear. - of [ Volume increases ]
08:33
What do you see when you hear this?
08:35
I don't know. A spaceship?
08:37
Wrong! I'll tell you what I see.
08:39
It's a trip, man.
08:49
♪ [ Vocalizing ]
09:03
[I Vocalizing ]
09:39
vocalizing [ Continues On Car Stereo ] -[ Tapping ]
09:42
[ Shuts Off ] - What the hell are you doing?
09:45
You've been out here for three hours with your eyes closed and a really creepy smile.
09:50
You're freaking us all out! - Oh, sorry, sir.
09:53
Yeah, I, uh— I'll be right in.
09:55
Don't bother. The work day's over.
10:00
[ Engine Revs, Tires Screech ]
10:06
[ Screeching ]
10:11
[ Rock On Headphones ]
10:23
[Man] - I'm amazed at the quiet ocean
10:29
I'm amazed at your wrong devotion
10:34
I'm amazed at what the people saying
10:40
I'm amazed by a divided nation
10:46
♪ Like the middle of the earth f
10:52
I get disrupted
10:58
I'm amazed at all that has been
11:04
♪ [ Fades, Ends]
11:07
Hayley, what are we gonna do about your dad?
11:09
He's really obsessed with this band.
11:11
Didn't you hear me, Mom? I've been screaming "help" for an hour.
11:14
Thank God the pool guy came.
11:16
[ Rock ]
11:18
[Man] there will be a knock
11:22
♪ On your front door
11:30
♪ [ Stops ]
11:31
[ Resumes ]
11:33
there will be a knock
11:37
♪ On your front door $ - Take your finger off the doorbell.
11:41
Wish I could. - [ Stops ]
11:43
I'm Norman. I'm supposed to meet stan here for a transaction.
11:48
Um, Stan, this guy's here to see you about something.
11:51
Norman, you made it! Thanks for comin'.
11:54
Here's the 900 bones. - Wait. $900 for a CD?
11:58
It's a bootleg. It's Jim James at a DoubleTree before a show in Detroit.
12:03
[ Man Humming While Gurgling Water ]
12:06
Um— What?
12:14
[ Spits Water Out ] - [ Flatulent Sound ]
12:15
What the— That wasnt me - [ Flatulent Sound ]
12:18
Who's in here? [/ Screams ]
12:20
Hello, I'm Norman. I'm just trying to record some stuff for the fans.
12:24
i'm crouched down in the shower so, uh, the farts are kind of slipping out
12:29
[ Flatulent Sound ] - And uh, I'm also—
12:31
[ Flatulent Sound ] - Sorry. [I'm also—
12:33
[ Flatulent Sound ] - Sorry. [I'm also—
12:34
[ Flatulent Sound ] - Sorry. I'm pretty nervous.
12:37
Are you kidding me?
12:39
You spent $900 for this?
12:42
Well, I guess I should be going.
12:46
Can I stay here tonight?
12:51
Stan, you're scaring me.
12:53
Missing work, spending all that money for gargling!
12:57
You need to come back to reality, and soon.
13:02
She doesn't get me, Jim. - Huh? You talkin' to me?
13:06
Roger, what the hell! What are you doing in there?
13:08
Just licking my finger and flicking the Bean.
13:12
The new L.L.Bean catalog came.
13:14
Look, there's clearly something special between you and this Jim James fellow.
13:17
It's more than that. It's like we're soul mates.
13:20
It's like he and I were ripening for nine months in the same womb stew...
13:24
and then tragically ripped apart.
13:26
"Womb stew." Delish. Little bread, forget about it.
13:29
Look, it's clear to me what has to happen here.
13:32
What do you mean, you're going on tour with My Morning Jacket?
13:35
I have to meet Jim James.
13:37
He understands me in a way that no one else does.
13:40
I feel closer to him than anyone in the world.
13:43
You ever felt anything like that? - Stan!
13:46
You're right. Traffic. I should go.
13:49
Stan, this is ridiculous! How are you even gonna get backstage?
13:53
With a little help from me. The name's Abbey. Abbey Road.
13:58
And when it snows, I need to be plowed.
14:02
ale' [ Rock On Car Stereo ]
14:07
[ Tires Screeching ]
14:10
[ Loud Crunch ]
14:14
Um, just trying to make a plan.
14:17
[ Crunching Continues ]
14:26
All right, Stan. There's the V.I.P. section. That's where the band is.
14:30
Come on. Follow my lead.
14:32
Hi. My hand's doing this.
14:34
Can you think of any way you'd want to be a part of it?
14:37
Bouncers love shooting dice, and I've got a loaded pair.
14:40
So I knew we could win our way in.
14:43
[ Gasps ] There they are!
14:44
[ Girls Screaming ] - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
14:46
Hey, thanks for coming, everybody. Unfortunately, the band is exhausted.
14:50
So we're gonna go ahead and push off.
14:52
[ All Groaning ]
14:53
Sorry we're late. - Where do you think you're going?
14:55
Oh, my friend here is a reporter for Rolling Stone.
14:58
I'm a reporter for the Rolling Stone.
15:00
I'm their manager. Why didn't I hear about this?
15:03
Oh, I called— cell phone to tell y— Must have a bad connection.
15:07
God, my coverage sucks! Sorry about that.
15:10
Go ahead, get on.
15:13
Okay, Stan. Get ready to be surprised...
15:15
by the amount of drugs and whores you see...
15:18
and then shocked by the amount of drugs and whores I can do.
15:23
I can't get Dick Van Patten's eyes to light up.
15:26
Keep trying, Bo.
15:28
Okay, no whores.
15:30
But I bet when that machine's up and running...
15:31
they're gonna be doin' big fat lines of coke on the glass...
15:34
right over Betty Buckley's knockers.
15:37
Mmm! Milk.
15:39
Thanks, Magheeta. - [ Chittering ]
15:43
Huh. - I don't see Jim.
15:44
He's probably chillin' in the back.
15:47
Patience. Your moment will come.
15:49
Just don't say anything stupid to blow your cover.
15:52
Oh, yeah. As a rock-and-roll journalist...
15:54
there's nothin' I haven't seen.
15:56
Like this one time I was free-macing drugs in a van...
15:58
with Tina Jivestrong and the black guy from the Beatles.
16:01
And I was all, "I think I'm gonna like it here."
16:07
You boner. - [ Ringing ]
16:09
Hello? - Boner speaking!
16:11
Stan, where are you? Your boss called...
16:13
and you're fired if you don't show up for work Monday.
16:16
I don't care. I just have to get backstage tomorrow night in Albany.
16:19
Oh, for God's sake!
16:21
What if you get backstage and actually meet this Jim James?
16:25
What do you possibly think is gonna happen?
16:27
I don't know. Maybe he'll sing to me of greater things—
16:30
of money, gold and diamond rings.
16:32
Just don't make this last any longer than it has to.
16:35
You don't understand me! - [ Beeps ]
16:38
[ Gasps ] He's off the deep end.
16:44
No one's stopping. - Look, the next guy'll stop. I guarantee it.
16:49
Roger, your disgusting fat leg is not gonna—
16:52
[ Tires Screeching ]
16:54
Oh, my God! I-i didn't see— [ Groans ]
16:57
Come on! Get in, Stan!
17:00
[ Screeching ]
17:02
[ Audience Cheering, Shouting ]
17:05
[ Grunts ]
17:07
[ Sets Parking Brake ] - Here we are.
17:10
Okay, Stan. Just let me do the talking.
17:12
And remember, no matter what happens, we stick together.
17:15
Hi. It's just me. I'm by myself.
17:19
What happened?
17:21
Okay, no one else gets backstage.
17:24
[ All Groaning ] - Wait! But I have to meet Jim!
17:30
[ Groans ]
17:35
Francine! Look, I don't know why you're here.
17:38
I'm not coming home until I meet Jim.
17:40
That's why I'm here, Stan. This is my world...
17:43
and I'm your rock and roll Sherpa.
17:46
[ Rock ]
18:06
[Man] - Remnants of the empire
18:10
Artifacts of love
18:13
will I meet the designer,'
18:16
♪ What will he dream up
18:20
Remnants of the empire
18:24
Gravity awake,'
18:28
What's held down to the ground next round goes into space
18:35
Raising up the empire
18:38
innocence and faith
18:41
♪ What will hold you up ♪
18:43
♪ And what will stand in your way,
18:48
a Way
18:56
Well, he's in there.
18:58
Thanks, Francine. Thanks, girls. And thank you, ma'am.
19:02
[ Knocking ] - Yeah, it's open.
19:05
Can I help you?
19:07
Hello-o-o? You okay?
19:09
Mr. James, this is such an honor. I am a huge fan.
19:13
Oh. Uh, well— well, thanks, man.
19:17
Anything else I can do for you?
19:19
Thank you for the music! - [ Chuckles ]
19:22
Okay.
19:24
You understand me!
19:25
[ Chuckles ] Well, I gotta get ready for the big show.
19:28
I've got all your albums. I have all your posters.
19:30
I even bought an old Band-Aid of yours off ebay.
19:33
Was it from your knee? It smells like it's from your knee.
19:35
If anybody can hear my voice, please come in here!
19:38
No, don't be scared. I'm not a scary person.
19:41
It's okay. I've got him. - It's just your songs.
19:44
I listen to them and I know you, and I think the same.
19:46
It's like we're soul neighbors...
19:49
and we're constantly borrowing sugar from each other.
19:51
I have no idea what you're talking about.
19:54
[ Sighs ] I'm sorry, Mr. James.
19:56
He's a little emotional. He thinks you're writing your music just for him.
20:01
Come on, Stan.
20:03
Let's let the man get ready for his show.
20:06
Hold on. Stan, is it?
20:08
Look, man, I'm flattered you dig what we're doin'.
20:11
But I'm— I'm not thinking about you when I write these songs.
20:15
That'd be impossible. We've never even met, man.
20:19
Hey, is— is this your daughter?
20:20
Wife. - Damn!
20:23
she's the one who understands you, man.
20:25
You should be sharing your soul with her, not me.
20:30
Truth of the matter is, I sure ain't nothing special.
20:33
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everybody else.
20:38
[ Whistles ]
20:46
sorry I put you through all this, honey.
20:48
Don't be. I used to fall for these guys all the time.
20:52
But then I met you, and you became my rock star.
20:56
[ Audience Clapping In Rhythm ]
20:59
Oh, Mr. Smith. I'm your biggest fan!
21:03
[ Both Moaning ]
21:12
[ Audience Cheering ]
21:18
[I Vocalizing ]
21:34
We are the innovators
21:42
They are the imitators
21:48
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
