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You're not really Jesus, are you?
S06E09 Rapture's Delight
09:35 – 09:37
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:37
Oh, come on, Francine.
00:39
Don't make me late for church again.
00:40
God pays twice as much attention on Christmas—
00:43
like the media when a white kid goes missing.
00:45
sorry. I was putting on my new dress.
00:48
I can't take you to God's house like that.
00:50
I can see your calves.
00:52
You look like a two-dollar whore.
00:54
And keep in mind that the dollar is weak right now.
00:56
So, to wrap up, that's an insult.
00:58
see? At least Roger shows the proper respect...
01:00
for this holiest of days.
01:02
Oh, I love your religion— for the crazy.
01:05
Virgin birth, water into wine—
01:07
It's— It's like Harry Potter but it causes genocide and bad folk music.
01:11
Huh? Huh? [ Laughs ]
01:14
Who- Who am I nudging? There's no one next to me.
01:17
[ Bell Chiming ]
01:20
[ Stan ] Great. No spaces.
01:22
Thanks to the fair-weather Christians...
01:23
who only show up on Christmas and Easter.
01:25
Well, we'll see how fair the weather is...
01:27
when the rapture comes and they're all left behind.
01:29
Rapture? What's that?
01:31
It's the first sign of the end of the world...
01:33
when all true Christians, like myself, ascend to heaven and—
01:36
Ascend? You're flying now.
01:38
[ Brakes Screech ] - Enough.
01:40
You and the kids go find seats while we park.
01:44
I hope I haven't missed the part where the three Chinese guys...
01:46
give perfume to the star baby.
01:48
[ Laughing ] It's— It's like the diaries of a madman.
01:52
[I Orchestra ]
01:55
[ Together ] ~ Joy to the world ♪
01:56
[ Stan ] Damn. No seats. - ♪ The Lord is come ♪
01:59
I'm beset by phony Christians.
02:02
stan, honey, it's Christmas. Relax.
02:05
I won't relax.
02:07
I'm a better Christian than anyone in there.
02:08
I'm the one who drives by Hebrew schools...
02:10
baptizing kids with a Super Soaker filled with garlic water.
02:13
[ Exhales ] Here. I have an idea.
02:17
We can't watch church from here.
02:19
This is where the slow janitor lives.
02:22
It reeks of dead mice and moldy Highlights magazines.
02:25
Oh, I hate seeing you stressed...
02:27
so I'm gonna give you your last present.
02:31
Francine, we can't do this in the house of the Lord. This is wrong.
02:34
Then I've been naughty...
02:36
and you'll have to put a big piece of coal in my stocking.
02:40
[ Growls ] Damn your clumsy Christmas sex metaphors!
02:44
Mmm. Mmm. - Mmm.
02:45
[ Both Moaning ]
02:49
Wow. Thanks, Francine.
02:51
If you're wondering why I lasted longer than usual...
02:53
it's because I was focusing on the dolls...
02:55
the janitor made out of Windex bottles and rat fur.
02:59
Strange. I don't hear anything.
03:04
What's going on?
03:05
[ Gasps ] Look.
03:11
[[ Choir ] ~ Gloria!
03:13
Gloria!
03:17
[ Gasps ] What's happening?
03:18
The rapture. Turns out there is a God.
03:22
Oh, gloria
03:24
Gloria
03:29
[ Wind Whistling ]
03:31
What? It can't be the rapture.
03:33
If this were the rapture, i'd be floating up there.
03:36
And so would the slow janitor.
03:37
Actually, I never truly accepted Jesus into my heart.
03:42
Mom! - Dad!
03:44
Steve! Hayley!
03:46
What's happening? I was just about to do something really funny.
03:49
I'll tell you what's happening.
03:51
It's the end of the world—
03:53
and we've been left behind.
03:55
Oh, my God.
03:57
The homeless guy from the bus station is Hung.
04:01
But I knew that.
04:05
Wait. There's been a mistake.
04:07
Lift me up, Lord. Here, I'll help.
04:10
Wait, hold on. This Bible stuff is real?
04:12
All right, somebody call Mel Gibson and apologize.
04:14
And then call Tim Robbins and tell him I banged Susan Sarandon.
04:17
He'll Know what it means.
04:18
Father Donovan, what happens now?
04:20
Honestly? I have no clue.
04:22
Luckily, I Know an expert.
04:24
Hi kids. I'm Ricky the Raptor. here to tell you about the rapture.
04:30
The rapture is the beginning of the end! of the world
04:33
it starts with all true Christians floating up to heaven.
04:37
What about the sinners that are left behind?
04:39
Well Jo-Jo, they get to witness the second coming of Jesus.
04:46
Jesus is coming back?
04:48
Did he forget something?
04:50
Nope. Jesus is coming back for Armageddon—
04:57
[ Screeches ]
04:58
A seven-year war...
05:00
where Jesus and his angels will battle demon soldiers of the underworld...
05:05
all leading up to a final showdown...
05:07
between Jesus and the Antichrist
05:10
[ Jo-Jo] Antichrist?
05:12
You mean that green stuff that your daddy puts in the car?
05:15
[ Ricky Giggles ] No, silly
05:17
That's antifreeze.
05:19
The Antichrist is the son of Satan.
05:22
[ Jo-Jo] Well who's gonna win?
05:25
[Ricky] I dont Know...
05:26
but you sure dont want to be around to find out
05:29
[ Shrieking ]
05:32
[ Child ] A Christian Kid's Production.
05:34
Stay cool.
05:37
Hello? Yes, I need to charter a helicopter ASAP.
05:41
Uh, just about a mile up, and then I'll grab onto someone.
05:44
I can't imagine John Goodman's that high up yet.
05:49
Okay. Steve and Hayley Smith, your personal heavens are ready.
05:52
Personal heavens?
05:54
Yeah, every saved soul gets a personalized paradise...
05:57
suited to their individual tastes.
05:59
Here you are, Steve.
06:01
Wait. There are so many doors.
06:03
How can you be sure this is my heaven?
06:05
[ Whinnies ]
06:12
Pepper jack cheese.
06:13
[ Chuckling ] It's my heaven.
06:16
[ Fanfare ]
06:22
Authorities confirm the total number of raptured at 142 million.
06:26
You may notice my partner Greg isnt here.
06:28
That's because he was raptured
06:30
Apparently, God' does love gays, but only if they're tops.
06:33
Take it in the behind, you get left behind
06:35
Well, if we're gonna be left behind...
06:37
at least we're left behind together.
06:42
What the hell, Francine?
06:44
I'm trying to rebuild my spaceship so I can get off this planet...
06:47
but all my boxes of spare parts are full of Hard Rock Cafe sweatshirts.
06:50
Oops. There must have been a mix-up when I gave stuff to Goodwill.
06:53
Oh, okay, well, as long as there's a good explanation.
06:55
[ Growls ] Didn't you hear the puppets?
06:57
Demons are coming to rape our skulls.
07:00
Breaking news. The second coming of Jesus is here.
07:03
[ Gagging ] - Francine, shh. I want to hear this.
07:05
That's right Jesus has returned to Earth...
07:08
and tonight, he'll be at the Langley Falls Civic Arena...
07:10
where hell brief mankind on his upcoming battle with the Antichrist
07:13
That's it. We'll just go to Jesus and explain there was a mistake.
07:18
[ Crowd Cheering ]
07:20
Okay, the coast is clear.
07:26
Stan. - Oh, it's me, Stan Smith.
07:29
I was supposed to be raptured, but there was a mistake.
07:31
I'm sorry, Stan, but what's done is done.
07:35
Wait. I Know what this is about.
07:37
It's because of the sex in church, isn't it?
07:39
Look, I didn't want to do it. She seduced me.
07:41
What? - Please, Jesus.
07:43
Don't let her moral failings screw me out of paradise.
07:46
Moral failings?
07:48
You think you're better than me?
07:49
stan, you're right.
07:52
What? - That's why I'm going to rapture him.
07:55
Really? Oh, Jesus, you are the best.
07:58
Later, world. Smell my ass.
08:01
Wait. You're just gonna abandon me here during Armageddon?
08:06
Okay, look. I'll go up to heaven and get a hand stamp.
08:08
I'll come out, lick it and press it against your hand.
08:10
Boom, you're in. Just like that time at Cabo Wabo.
08:13
Oh, wait. That didn't work. You had to sit in the bus all night.
08:16
Aw, it'll work this time. - No, Stan.
08:19
I wouldn't want to get you in trouble and drag you down again.
08:22
In fact, you never have to worry about that again, because we're through.
08:28
Oh, Francine.
08:29
No. Stan Smith— - [I Ring Clinks On Floor ]
08:32
go to heaven.
08:35
[ Buzzing ]
08:41
[ Both ] I'm sorry. Go ahead.
08:43
[ Both Laugh ] No. No, really.
08:46
[ Laughing ]
08:49
[ Both ] I normally don't eat here because of the murders...
08:51
but it was right next to the arena.
08:53
[ Laughing ]
08:56
[ Both Sigh ]
08:59
So you went to the Jesus sermon too.
09:03
Did you go with your boyfriend?
09:05
I don't have a boyfriend.
09:06
I had a husband, but it's over. He... left me.
09:11
I hope whatever he left a woman like you for is worth it.
09:17
Okay, right here. This is good.
09:19
All right, Jesus, rapture me.
09:22
Take off your clothes. - Oh.
09:24
I thought they came off magically.
09:30
[ Zipper Unzips ]
09:35
You're not really Jesus, are you?
09:40
Hi. Goodwill? Yeah, I'm calling again about my spaceship parts.
09:43
Well, damn it, look again.
09:47
Oh, hey, honey, good news.
09:49
I told Jesus not to rapture me...
09:51
because I couldn't bear to leave you behind.
09:53
Nice try.
09:55
You didn't get raptured because that wasn't the real Jesus.
09:58
He was just some phony trying to take advantage of desperate fools.
10:02
[ Laughs ] Wh- What?
10:05
Oh, next you'll say I let him bend me over a Dumpster...
10:07
before I came to my senses.
10:09
You're too much, lady.
10:10
I know because I found Jesus, Stan.
10:13
The real Jesus.
10:18
[Man] He turned water into fine
10:25
You're... the real Jesus. - Hi, Stan.
10:29
Jesus is back to spend the next seven years fighting the Antichrist...
10:33
and he asked me to be his girlfriend.
10:35
He can date this time.
10:37
Can you believe it?
10:38
Jesus thinks I'm good enough for him.
10:42
Good-bye, Stan.
10:43
Have a nice Armageddon.
10:47
[ Gasps ]
10:50
I dropped my meatball in the pool.
11:08
[ Engine Revving ]
11:31
[ Belches ]
11:35
Hello, Stan.
11:40
Well, well.
11:41
What brings you to New Denver, Commander Jesus?
11:44
Here on Christmas vacation?
11:46
That reminds me. I got you a birthday present.
11:52
[ Groans ] Ow!
11:53
My other cheek!
11:55
I need a job done...
11:57
and you're the only man who can do it.
11:59
Forget it, Nazarene.
12:01
I stopped doing things for you the day you stole my woman.
12:04
Well, that's just it, Stan.
12:06
Francine— The Antichrist got her.
12:11
[ Birds Cawing ]
12:21
I don't know how he got to her.
12:23
It means I can't trust anyone, not even my generals.
12:26
What makes you think you can trust me?
12:29
Because I know you've fought against his kind.
12:31
I fight for anyone who pays me.
12:33
I also know you still love her.
12:36
Hah! - [ Objects Clink ]
12:39
I'll do it.
12:40
But not because of her.
12:42
If I help you, you rapture me off this you-forsaken rock.
12:48
[ Deal? Revving High ]
12:59
Anyone you knew? - Yeah.
13:01
He was my father's jester. Really funny dude.
13:04
[ Screeching ] - It's a trap.
13:17
[ Screeching ]
13:19
[ Groans ]
13:23
The open road is too dangerous.
13:25
Uh, what if we go through sector 16?
13:27
Sector 16?
13:28
The perfect man just proposed the perfect way to die.
13:31
Fine. Then what about sector 35?
13:34
Huh! Sector 35 makes sector 16 look like sector 48.
13:38
Okay. Then what do you propose we do?
13:45
I Know someone who might be able to help.
13:47
[ Sputtering, Hissing ]
13:51
Okay, Qui Lo. Hit it.
13:53
[ Mechanical Whining, Rumbling ]
13:56
[ Stops ] - Aaah! Damn it.
13:58
[ Clicking ]
14:00
Wait. No wonder this isn't working.
14:02
The stone waterfall goes in my career corner...
14:05
and the orchid goes in my wealth corner.
14:07
[ Both Speaking Foreign Language ]
14:11
[ Gasps, Continues In Foreign Language ]
14:13
Lovers' quarrel?
14:15
Well, well.
14:16
I always knew you'd breeze back through my door.
14:19
Roger, meet Jesus.
14:21
Ah. An alien.
14:23
One of my father's side projects.
14:25
You better watch your mouth. [ Grunts ]
14:27
Whoa. Whoa.
14:29
We need to book passage on your ship to the far outlands.
14:32
Good luck. The ship's sub-fusion engines...
14:34
run on precious metals and crystalline minerals...
14:37
so unless you can poop out gem-encrusted gold, you're out of luck.
14:42
When my army laid siege at the Battle of Boca Raton, they found this.
14:51
[ Engines Whining ]
14:59
Okay. Where am I taking you?
15:01
The lair of the Antichrist...
15:03
the dark epicenter of all that is evil.
15:05
Of course. Jerry Seinfeld's car garage.
15:09
What? No. The United Nations.
15:11
Really? Seinfeld has his own car garage in Manhattan.
15:15
Do you know how expensive that is?
15:17
He bought a whole building in Manhattan...
15:19
and converted it to hold all of his Porsches.
15:21
[ Speaks Foreign Language ]
15:24
[ Laughing ] That's funny, Qui Lo. What is the deal with that?
15:32
[ Screaming ]
15:34
Okay. I'll drop you off at the lair of the Antichrist...
15:37
and then "arm-a-geddon' outta here.
15:39
[ Laughs ] Oh, that's good.
15:42
I gotta write that one down.
15:44
[ Shouting ]
15:46
[ Roger Screams ]
15:51
[ Beeping ]
15:53
Come on. Start.
15:54
Thanks for the ride, other worlder.
15:57
Wait. Jesus, I'm still stuck here.
15:59
Can't you just send me to heaven?
16:01
I can't do that. But I can offer you something else.
16:04
After I defeat the Antichrist, I'm to begin the long road of rebuilding civilization.
16:08
It's going to be a lot of work, and I could use your help.
16:13
That's okay.
16:15
[ Beeping ]
16:20
[ Bell Dings ]
16:33
By the way, what does the Antichrist look like?
16:35
Believe me, you'll Know him when you see him.
16:45
Ohhh! What did you do that for? - That was the Antichrist.
16:49
No. There's a prep school two blocks away.
16:52
Sometimes the kids come in here and play.
16:55
Then I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.
17:07
[ Grunting ]
17:12
This is it-- The lair of the Antichrist...
17:15
where everything's anti-me.
17:19
[ Muffled Talking ]
17:21
Francine!
17:23
[ Muffled ]
17:25
Kneel before the Lord, punk.
17:32
[ Line Ratcheting ]
17:35
Oh, Stan. - Don't get any ideas, doll.
17:38
I'm just in this for the rapture.
17:40
Right. The only thing you ever cared about.
17:45
Hello, darling.
17:47
Leave the heartwarming reunion for later.
17:51
[ High-pitched Voice ] Sorry, do-gooders.
17:53
[ Laughing ]
17:54
The Antichrist.
17:56
Condemn them, Mother...
17:58
for they know exactly what they do.
18:04
Uh, I'm sorry. What does that mean?
18:06
You know. It's the opposite of "Forgive them, Father...
18:10
for they know not what they do."
18:12
Hello. I'm the Antichrist.
18:15
I'm the opposite of Jesus in every way. [ Laughs ]
18:19
Anti, get us out of this thing.
18:21
[ Rumbling ] - Well, Jesus, you can walk on water, eh?
18:26
Let's see if you can swim in land.
18:28
[ Laughing ]
18:32
[ Screams ]
18:38
Huh? [ Laughs ]
18:40
I built that. See? You were a carpenter.
18:43
I'm not handy at all.
18:45
[ Laughing ]
18:49
We're pinned down.
18:57
[ Groans ] - [ Groans ]
18:58
It's raining wise men.
19:01
Hallelujah. - [ Giggles ]
19:09
[ Groans ]
19:11
[ Screams ] - [ Bones Cracking ]
19:14
You should have known, Anti.
19:16
With me, the thigh's the limit.
19:22
Uh, funny.
19:25
Stan, what are you doing? - [ Whining ]
19:26
In one minute, this place is gonna be blown to kingdom come.
19:29
[ Gun Cocks ]
19:30
Thou shalt not not kill!
19:37
[ Groans ]
19:38
[ Screams ]
19:42
[ Screeches ]
19:44
Later, world.
19:47
Smell my ass. [ Groans ]
19:51
Stan! - Why, Stan?
19:53
Why did you take the bullet for me?
19:55
For the same reason I came here— For her.
20:01
Francine, I was wrong to ever think I was better than you.
20:06
I wish I could go back and change the man I was.
20:09
You're the best, so you deserve the best.
20:12
You deserve...
20:14
Fancy Feast.
20:16
What? - Sorry. I mean Jesus. You deserve Jesus.
20:18
I'm kind of bleeding out here.
20:20
Here, let me help you.
20:23
Our wedding rings.
20:25
Now go! Both of you. This place is gonna blow.
20:29
No, Stan. I can't leave you behind.
20:31
I Know you can't.
20:34
Get her out of here. - Stan, at least let me rapture you.
20:38
There's no time. The spell takes too long.
20:40
He's right. - Go!
20:46
[ Sobbing ]
20:50
[ Beeping ]
20:58
Merry Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Jesus.
21:01
[ Rapid Beeping ]
21:11
Well, here we are.
21:13
I always imagined i''d spend eternity with Francine.
21:16
Stan, this is your personal heaven.
21:18
It is what your heart most desires.
21:25
[ Jingle Bells Ringing ] - Honey, I'm wearing my new dress.
21:29
How do I look?
21:31
Definitely not like a whore, baby.
21:34
Definitely not like a whore.
21:36
[ Laughs ] Oh, Stan.
21:38
[[ Choir ] - Joy to the world
21:40
the Lord is come
21:42
Let earth receive her KiNG
22:20
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
