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I wish I was dead.
S06E11 A Jones for a Smith
10:04 – 10:06
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:35
Aw, damn it
00:37
This country's gone to hell since the Democrats took over.
00:40
They just throw money at anyone who asks for help.
00:42
I know. It's wonderful.
00:44
Name's Fantasia Lopez.
00:46
I'm on my way to Welfare to get some free stuff.
00:48
Don't you worry, babies.
00:50
Mama's gonna get some food stamps...
00:52
so you can get the Milk Duds you need.
00:55
Look, Roger's clearly taking advantage...
00:57
but social programs are important.
00:59
Social programs are a crutch...
01:01
bailing out people too weak to help themselves.
01:04
[ Sneezes ] Good point, nose.
01:06
You see, I have a cold, but I'm going to work.
01:08
I'm not crawling around the house...
01:10
like David Hasselhoff trying to eat a hamburger.
01:12
[ Blows Nose ] - Hey, Dad. Before you leave...
01:15
can you help me with my homework? - No! Everyone asking for help.
01:18
Don't study things you can't grasp.
01:20
Honey, I'm late for the supermarket.
01:22
Can you get my zipper? - No!
01:23
Don't wear clothes you can't manage.
01:25
[ Gagging ]
01:27
she's choking. Dad, do something.
01:29
No! Don't eat food you can't handle.
01:31
Don't help her, Francine. Come on, Hayley.
01:34
You can get yourself out of this. - [ Gasping ]
01:39
[ Gasps ] - See? She saved her own life.
01:42
Oh Three-second rule.
01:45
Ugh! Hayley, you know I don't like turkey sausage. Why did you give me this?
01:49
Oh, thank you, Greg.
01:51
Why don't you come in for a bit? We're having mimosas.
01:53
On a Monday? What's the occasion?
01:55
We always have brunch.
01:57
It's the most important gay meal of the day.
01:59
It's the only meal of the day for me.
02:01
I'm gay fat.
02:03
I'm straight thin, but I'm gay fat.
02:05
[ Chattering ]
02:08
Next we pull back the muscle flaps.
02:10
I— I can't do it.
02:12
Oh, come on. He's a friendly guy.
02:16
Hello, my baby Hello, my honey
02:18
Hello, my ragtime gal
02:19
[ Laughs ]
02:23
You are so cute.
02:24
We should hang out sometime after school.
02:27
Listen. I'll say this for your own good 'cause you're new here.
02:29
I'm a nerd.
02:30
I know. Nerds are kind of my thing.
02:34
If you think that was nerdy, check this.
02:37
[ Rapping ] ♪ When the pimp's in the crib, ma
02:39
Hop it like it's hot, hop it like it's hot ♪
02:41
Hop it like it's hot
02:43
Snoop Froggy-Frog. [ Laughs ]
02:46
You're still on board, right?
02:50
You sure you won't have one more?
02:52
Thanks, but I'm a bit tipsy as it is.
02:55
It's bad enough I peed in your shower.
02:56
Bye. - Oh.
02:59
What did she just say?
03:01
Hiya, Francine!
03:03
You should move your car.
03:04
It's street cleaning today.
03:06
Oh. Thank you, Al.
03:11
[ Engine Starts ]
03:13
[ Siren Blares ]
03:17
I'm afraid that was an illegal u-turn, ma'am.
03:20
Oh, come on. I live right there.
03:22
Can't you just give me a break, Pig-fucker?
03:25
That is not my name, ma'am.
03:29
[ Gasps ] Oh
03:31
Oh, forgive me, Officer Figpucker.
03:33
I-I think I'm drunk is all.
03:39
Francine. - Oh, Stan. Thank God.
03:42
Did you pay my bail yet? - Oh, no. [ Sneezes ]
03:44
I just came to visit. You know I don't believe in bailing people out.
03:47
So have you traded bras with your cell mate yet?
03:50
What? - Like at Summer camp.
03:52
You think girls trade bras at summer camp? - I would.
03:55
i'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras, and trade up for something lacy.
03:59
Stan, listen.
04:01
It's okay for people to ask for help.
04:04
Like when they're in a drunk tank...
04:06
with a guy who calls himself Mr. Businessman.
04:08
I'm wearing a suit, you see.
04:12
Francine, I'm sorry, but you need to get yourself out of this mess.
04:15
[ Sneezes ] Now I've got to go home...
04:18
and nurse this cold with some soup.
04:20
Chunky beef
04:21
♪ [ Scatting ]
04:25
Want me to be your husband?
04:27
[ Scoffs ] - You're right to make me earn it.
04:32
[ Slurping ]
04:38
There's our little jailbird now.
04:41
see? She got out all by herself...
04:43
and I bet she's a better person for the experience.
04:45
They branded me with a shamrock, Stan.
04:48
I'm a member of the Aryan Lassies now.
04:52
So, Mom, how did you get out of jail?
04:54
I went before the judge...
04:56
and she sentenced me to community service...
04:58
so i'm working at a soup kitchen starting today.
05:01
soup kitchen? No, no, no.
05:02
It's wrong to feed starving people.
05:04
It takes away their motivation.
05:06
The system works.
05:09
I need to be over there.
05:12
I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso...
05:15
till I catch me a man.
05:21
Out of my way, bums. - Stan?
05:23
This is the soup my wife is serving for dinner.
05:26
That makes it my dinner.
05:27
This is my soup.
05:29
You'll have to find something else to spill...
05:31
on the outermost of your five coats.
05:37
Looks like a whole lot of soup.
05:39
Who are you? The damn soup police?
05:41
I deserve that. - No, I'm sorry. I'm—
05:43
I'm just trying to nurse this cold.
05:45
You know, I'm in the pharmaceutical business.
05:48
I might have something that'll make you feel better.
05:53
[ Inhales ]
05:56
This'll clear you right up.
05:58
I see. It's some sort of heated inhalant.
06:02
[ Inhales ]
06:11
Wow! You're right. I feel great!
06:13
Whoo! Any chance I could get some of that cold medicine to go?
06:16
Sure thing.
06:19
No need, pal. First time's free.
06:21
Whoo! I feel strong enough...
06:23
to drag a mattress into an abandoned building.
06:28
Hey. As long as you're giving out crack...
06:30
how about you throw a little ding-a-dong-ding-ding ol' crackhead Boo Boo's way?
06:34
Not now, Mom. I'm working.
06:41
No, it's not crazy.
06:43
What else would girls be doing at camp?
06:44
Okay, everyone. It's time for the C.I.A. obstacle course.
06:48
Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah, sweet!
06:50
Once outside, you'll navigate every obstacle...
06:53
You'll encounter in the field in Afghanistan.
06:55
I set it up while you were at lunch.
06:57
You rascal. You said you had paperwork to go over. - I know.
07:02
Yes! Hot dog!
07:04
[ Sneezes ] Hmm.
07:06
Don't want this cold getting in the way of my performance.
07:11
On your mark. Get set.
07:13
[ Gunshot ] - Go!
07:15
Whoo! Yeah.
07:17
[ Shouting ]
07:19
[ Grunting ]
07:23
The typical Afghani market bazaar has hidden dangers everywhere.
07:30
The stitching is fantastic.
07:32
This would really look great— [ Groans ]
07:35
Huh? - He likes you. Picture?
07:38
[ Bones Crack ] - [ Gasps ]
07:40
[ Whirs ]
07:49
[ Grunting ]
07:50
[I Pounding ] - [ Roaring ]
07:54
[ Ticking ]
07:56
Good work, Smith. Whatever you're doing, keep it up.
07:59
[ Sobbing ] Look what you've done.
08:01
she was my pet.
08:03
Her name was Hot Sauce, and I loved her.
08:06
I hope someone breaks your neck one day, you murderer.
08:09
[ Sobbing ]
08:10
Geez. - I know, right?
08:14
Let's see. I couldn't use the "F," so I subtract three points.
08:18
I know something you can use the "F" for. - Oh, my.
08:21
You kids having a good time? - [ Screams ] Hello, sir.
08:24
Lovely day, is it not?
08:26
Will you excuse us, Janine?
08:29
[ Gulps ] Mr. Winthrop, I wasn't trying anything.
08:32
I swear. - That's a pity. Janine likes you.
08:35
Uh, what? - Steve, I understand young love.
08:38
My daughter wants to be with you intimately...
08:40
and I'm here to tell you that you have my blessing.
08:43
Oh, God. I'm gonna pass out.
08:44
If you and my daughter get physical...
08:46
I only ask that you do it safely under my roof.
08:50
Okay. Janine? Janine?
08:53
[ Chuckling ] I] Of course, I'll have to meet your parents first.
08:57
I'll organize a dinner for our families in a few days.
09:01
And, son...
09:04
safety first.
09:06
And don't worry about the sheets.
09:08
She's ridden horses her whole life.
09:18
Whoo! Clears my sinuses right up.
09:20
You gonna share that crack you're doing, or what?
09:22
Crack? This is cold medicine.
09:24
No, sir. It's crack. - It's not crack.
09:27
I bought it on a park bench outside a soup kitchen...
09:29
from a guy in a lime-green suit—
09:31
Oh, my God, it's crack. Oh, my God.
09:34
C.I.A. agents are supposed to distribute crack to the inner city, not smoke it.
09:38
Okay, this is okay.
09:39
Easy mistake. Anyone could make it.
09:41
I'll throw this away and forget about it.
09:43
This is just between us, Roger, all right? It will never happen again.
09:46
[ Laughs ] Never again.
09:48
That's what I say every time I wear the plunger penis.
09:55
Aaah! I said I wouldn't do this again.
10:04
I wish I was dead.
10:06
Anyone else wish they were dead?
10:08
Uh, I don't.
10:09
So, there's this girl I like...
10:11
and her father wants our families to have dinner together.
10:13
Oh, Steve, your voice is so annoying sometimes.
10:17
[ Sighs, Sobs ]
10:20
[ Chuckling ]
10:22
Look, forget it. It's just this damn cold. It's making me cranky.
10:25
You know, Stan, sometimes people need help getting over their... Colds.
10:29
I don't need any help. I'm fine.
10:31
Now let's just all try and enjoy our dinner.
10:35
[ Slurping ] - [ Slurping ]
10:51
[ Panting ]
10:56
I'm gonna go take out the trash.
10:58
There he goes. All right. I didn't want to do this.
11:01
Plunger boobies!
11:04
Oh, my God!
11:05
Could you imagine if I really had nips like these?
11:08
I'd like to think I'd find love.
11:12
[ Man's Voice ] Do you sometimes feel irritable, restless, uneasy...
11:16
sad normal, or just plain not high?
11:19
Maybe it's time to try crack.
11:23
[ Spraying ]
11:27
[ Barking ]
11:28
Crack may cause shivers, night terrors, gay for pay...
11:31
heart palpitations, homicidal paranoia...
11:33
or the sensation that youre on fire.
11:35
Peeing blood and seeing friends' faces as talking skeletons...
11:38
are possible side effects of crack.
11:40
People who use crack may also experience...
11:42
five-to-seven years in prison where brutal raping may occur.
11:45
if you experience one or more of these side effects, consult your dealer.
11:48
You may need more crack.
11:50
Crack. Isnt it time you see What all the fuss is about?
11:54
[ Helicopter Overhead ] I] - [ Gunfire Outside ]
11:56
[ Siren Blaring ] - [ Groans ]
11:59
Ugh! Why does Oprah like this one?
12:02
It's so boring. - Shh!
12:04
Are you crazy? You can't speak ill of Oprah.
12:07
Val Kilmer bad-mouthed Oprah,
12:09
and now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin.
12:11
[ Door Opens ]
12:13
Stan, where have you been? I haven't seen you in three days.
12:16
It feels that way because we love each other.
12:18
No, it's been three days. We need to talk.
12:21
My A.T.M. card was rejected for insufficient funds.
12:25
My necklace is missing.
12:26
The TV is gone. - No, it's not. It's right there.
12:30
I don't think that's the TV, Stan.
12:32
Sure it is. It's just not plugged in.
12:33
Hey, wasn't your Aunt Beverly buried with her jewelry?
12:35
I want to go pay my respects. Where was she buried? [ Farts ]
12:38
Ooh. Whoa. Diarrhea.
12:39
Oh, good. Dad's home. Now, don't forget—
12:42
Tonight is our dinner at Janine's house.
12:44
Roger is coming as my Uncle Cosworth.
12:45
Land the ho, matey. - No, Roger.
12:48
I need everything to go perfect tonight.
12:50
Of course it will, honey.
12:52
Now help me fix the TV.
12:59
I don't think this is right.
13:04
We like to finish the tour with our family's most cherished possession...
13:08
a priceless Fabergé egg.
13:12
[Man] - Get down, get down
13:18
Steve, your family is charming.
13:20
Next time you're down at the marina...
13:22
I'll let you hop on my 28-footer.
13:23
Also, you should take a spin on my boat.
13:25
Ooh! [ All Laughing ]
13:28
Um, could you excuse me for a second?
13:31
You guys mind if I steer the conversation to a little tech talk?
13:35
Does your TV have insides?
13:37
What am I supposed to do with that?
13:40
Come back with cash, and we'll do business.
13:42
[ Growls ]
13:45
So I'm huddled there.
13:46
With my eyes closed, I feel the bear's wet nose on my cheek.
13:50
Sorry about that.
13:52
[[ Thinking ] Got to find a way to make some quick cash.
13:59
Get down, get down
14:01
So with a black bear, I wasn't sure...
14:03
if you're supposed to make yourself look as big as possible or as small.
14:06
[ Gasps ] Hey! - Twenty bucks, I'll make you see heaven.
14:09
Stan, what the hell are you doing?
14:11
Yeah, Dad. What is wrong with you?
14:13
Isn't it obvious? Guy can't handle his crack. - [ All Gasp ]
14:16
Ten bucks— Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.
14:18
What? Stan, you're on crack?
14:21
No, no. I will be as soon as this pervert pays me.
14:24
Get out of my house.
14:26
No! Sir, please?
14:28
I'm sorry it didn't work out, son.
14:31
[ Clears Throat ]
14:35
Honey, point them to the door.
14:37
First you go down that hallway, and then you take a left.
14:52
Stan, we need to talk.
14:54
We're here because we love you. - I'll go first.
14:57
Stan, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to go downtown and buy crack?
15:01
You could have bought from me right here in the house.
15:03
Roger, you're not being helpful.
15:05
Did you really expect me to be?
15:07
We're here to talk about your drug problem.
15:10
It's hurting the family. - I had a sure thing, old man!
15:13
[ Grunts ] - Ow!
15:14
Dad, you have a problem, and you need help.
15:18
[ Sighs ]
15:19
You're right. I have a crack addiction...
15:22
and I've been stealing from all of you to support it.
15:24
I took the TV and Francine's jewelry.
15:27
Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs—
15:29
but those were just to wear while I was high.
15:31
It's super fun to walk around high in a wig.
15:36
But my family shouldn't have to pay the price.
15:39
I realize that now.
15:41
And I'm gonna kick this thing, I swear.
15:43
Oh, thank God.
15:45
Now we can get you the help you need.
15:47
No! Stan Smith doesn't take help from anyone.
15:51
I got myself into this. I'll get myself out.
15:56
[ Sighs ] While we're all here, I think I'm addicted to pot.
16:01
Don't be ridiculous.
16:05
Okay, Roger. For the next 48 hours, your attic is my withdrawal pod.
16:09
I'm doing this on my own. No help from anyone.
16:11
Don't let anyone in...
16:12
and whatever I say, don't open the door. - Got it.
16:16
You've got the room for as long as you need it.
16:18
Good luck, friend.
16:21
[ Locks Latching, Clicking ]
16:23
[ Sighs ]
16:25
[ Clicking ]
16:27
I forgot my comb. - I need crack!
16:29
[ Glass Breaks ]
16:31
Why do I need a comb?
16:35
[ Clattering ]
16:37
Intruders!
16:40
[ Clattering Continues ]
16:43
What are you doing with my local daytime Emmy?
16:45
I-I need to pawn it for cash.
16:47
You can't. It's priceless. - You can't. It's worthless.
16:49
[ Siren Blares ]
16:50
[Man On P.a. ] We have the place surrounded. Come out with your hands up.
16:53
So you can force me into rehab? No dice.
16:56
Now let me go or I'll kill the gay news team. - [ Both Gasp ]
16:59
You can just say "news team."
17:01
[ Siren Blares ]
17:07
Malcolm Hathaway, hostage negotiator. i'll take it from here.
17:11
Don't worry, ma'am. I'm the best there is.
17:13
We're gonna get your husband out of there.
17:15
[ Rapid Beeping ] - [ Line Ringing ]
17:18
[ Rings, Beeps ] - Hello?
17:20
Stan, it's Malcolm Hathaway, hostage negotiator.
17:23
I just want to talk. - I don't have anything to say.
17:26
[ Sighs ] Get him $50,000 in unmarked bills.
17:29
sir, he didn't ask for money.
17:31
Then make it 500,000.
17:34
I don't think this guy's very good.
17:37
You know what I'm good at? Cartwheels. Watch.
17:40
[ Groans ]
17:42
[ Stan ] /] Hello? Are you still there?
17:44
Ho, ho. This game.
17:47
Fine. I'll get you a plane to Colombia.
17:49
Cocaine is dirt cheap there.
17:51
That— That sounds good.
17:53
It's on its way.
17:54
And as a gesture of goodwill, I'm gonna give you another hostage.
17:58
send in the boy.
17:59
[ Gasps ]
18:06
Well, this is getting interesting.
18:10
I bought this chair for my eclipse party.
18:12
The only one who showed up was Tuttle.
18:14
I thought it was an éclair party.
18:16
You don't listen.
18:18
[ Engines Whining ]
18:26
Okay, Mr. Smith. Just get on the plane and get the hell out of here.
18:33
Stan, don't go.
18:35
We love you. Let us help you.
18:37
I told you, I don't need help.
18:39
I need crack.
18:41
Now where's the "fly" button? Ah, here it is.
18:48
Okay, the newscasters are clear. Take your shot!
18:51
What? But they're— - Take your shot!
18:54
Greg! - [ Gunshot ]
18:56
I don't know about you...
18:58
but I sure would like a slice of pie right about now.
19:01
[ Muffled ] - Ahh.
19:16
Finally! The majestic crack fields of Colombia.
19:20
I can live like a king here for the rest of my days.
19:26
Crack?
19:27
Can I— Can I have some crack?
19:29
Just a little— Just a little crack.
19:31
Give me your wallet. - What? No!
19:32
Give me your wallet. - Get off me.
19:34
I'm not giving you my wallet. - This is a mugging.
19:38
Help me rob this white man.
19:40
You're asking for help. That's so pathetic.
19:42
You didn't kick. You need to kick.
19:44
[ Groans ]
19:46
No, don't help him. It's a crutch. It'll make the kid weak.
19:49
No. He needed our help, and he asked.
19:52
There is no shame in that.
19:53
shoes are very valuable. Never forget the shoes.
19:59
Oh, and check his pocket.
20:00
Look! Plane keys.
20:04
Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
20:09
Oh, my God.
20:11
You helped him...
20:12
and it didn't make him weaker.
20:15
It made him a better thief.
20:18
[ Shouting, Laughing ]
20:20
[ Siren Blaring ]
20:25
I need some soup—
20:27
and some help. - Stan!
20:30
You were right. Everyone needs help sometimes, and that's okay.
20:34
Oh, honey, we're gonna get you everything you need to kick this.
20:39
I'm ready to change—
20:41
right after I smoke crack one more time.
20:52
I did it. I kicked it for good.
20:53
Oh, Stan, we missed you so much. - Welcome back, Dad.
20:57
I will hate you until the day I die.
20:59
sure thing, kiddo. Camping sounds great.
21:04
[ Sighs ]
21:05
Mom, while we're here...
21:08
I really think I should check myself in for my pot problem.
21:11
Just stop it, Hayley.
21:47
Bye! Have a great time.
