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I was useless and pathetic and weak.
S06E14 Cops and Roger
04:22 – 04:25
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Francine got mugged, and I just sat there.
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How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
Okay, the Langley Falls Shopping Mall Memorial Day sale begins in two hours.
00:39
Are you ready for this, Francine? - Sure, I'm ready.
00:41
You don't look ready. I've been up for five hours doing stuff like this.
00:44
[ Screams ]
00:46
Honey, why are you up so early?
00:48
I'm doing surveillance down at the docks.
00:50
Gonna bust some gun smugglers.
00:52
Then maybe I'll come to the mall and just girl out with you two.
00:55
Hope I don't get my period. Love you! Traveling Pants!
00:58
There's nothing girlie about it!
01:00
I want a turtleneck like Stan's.
01:02
I'll get it at Baby Gap— extra small.
01:04
I wanna feel like I'm being choked a little bit.
01:10
That was amazing!
01:11
It was way better last year. You don't even know.
01:14
I gave a toddler a concussion. Now you know.
01:16
Well, I am exhausted.
01:19
Hey! No! Thief! - [ Grunting ]
01:21
Roger, help!
01:24
Oh, no! Oh, my God! Oh, please, no!
01:26
No, no! No! Oh!
01:28
I'm falling! Somebody, please!
01:32
My name is Clive Trotter, and I'm an American, and I am in trouble!
01:42
This could be it.
01:43
[ Russian Accent ] Well?
01:45
[ Russian Accent ] Well she only had three puppies...
01:47
So I'm afraid you cant have one.
01:50
Damn it! Just more puppy talk.
01:53
[ Phone Rings ] - Hello!
01:55
Francine?
01:56
[ Dog Barking ]
01:58
[ Sipping ]
02:00
I'm so freaked out, I couldn't even make tea.
02:02
There's nothing in my mug, but the sipping noises calm me.
02:05
[ Sipping ] Ah, nothing.
02:08
You shouldn't be out at night without a man escorting you.
02:11
Hey, I was escorting her, and I was dressed like a man.
02:14
Takes more than a wig and a fake bulge to be a man, Roger.
02:17
Men are strong, honorable and brave! You're none of those things!
02:21
[ Gasps ] - You just turned and ran away.
02:23
Disgraceful Hell, Klaus is more of a man than you are.
02:26
Hey, a shout-out for Klaus.
02:28
That's rare. You know what? I'm not gonna push the conversation.
02:31
I'm just gonna chalk this up as a "W." - Shut up, Klaus!
02:34
And I broke even. - [ Francine ] Quiet, Klaus!
02:35
And I blew it.
02:37
Roger, stop throwing out your costumes.
02:40
stan was just upset. He didn't mean those things he said.
02:43
No, he was right. I am weak.
02:46
I'm not even fit to wear man clothes!
02:48
Good-bye, Vince Monaco, legendary firehouse prankster.
02:52
Your days of putting condoms in lasagna are over.
02:55
Sweetie, I don't blame you for what happened. - Well, you should.
02:59
I'm just a silly little hen, and everybody knows it.
03:03
I'm gonna miss you most of all, John Goodhorse...
03:05
Native American activist and sex offender.
03:08
You were— [ Chuckles ]
03:10
You were complicated, did not respond well to the word "no."
03:14
[ Knocking ]
03:17
Reginald, hey! I thought the C.I.A. sent you on a mission to Afghanistan.
03:22
Nah. Not enough people signed up, so they canceled it.
03:24
If it's okay, I'm gonna do a couple loads.
03:26
Dryer in my building is too rough on my delicates.
03:28
Hey, you know, that sounds like a song.
03:31
Don't be rough on my delicates
03:33
[ Chuckling ] Anyway.
03:35
Listen, Reginald, I never had a chance to say I'm sorry...
03:39
for trying to kiss you the other night.
03:41
I was drunk and stupid. It'll never happen again.
03:44
Girl, don't even sweat it. That was the liquor talkin'.
03:47
And liquor loves talkin' to my cute ass.
03:49
[ Chuckles ] So, how are things with Rhonda?
03:52
Oh, she's good. Yeah. she just leased a Ford Focus. She's good.
03:55
Hey, well, I'm still seeing ian.
03:57
The four of us should go on a double date sometime.
03:59
Oh, we should go to Houlihan's.
04:01
They got good drinks there— daiquiris, margaritas.
04:05
And you can take the glass home and do whatever you want with it!
04:08
Fill it with M&M'S, put a rose up in there.
04:10
They don't care! It's your glass!
04:13
Okay.
04:14
[ Crowd Cheering, Whistle Blowing ]
04:16
Steve, you have to help me.
04:18
I can't stop thinking about what happened.
04:20
Francine got mugged, and I just sat there.
04:22
I was useless and pathetic and weak.
04:25
How do you live with yourself when you feel that way?
04:27
I guess most people just— - No, I'm talking about you specifically.
04:30
How do you, Steve, live with yourself?
04:33
Charming. This side of you is charming.
04:36
Now I have to take a long Rollerblade and sweat out your poison.
04:39
He was no help. That's the last time I- - [ Tv: Whistle Blows ] /]
04:42
No way! Hoosiers!
04:44
Oh, damn. It's on TNT. Commercials.
04:47
If that's the price I gotta pay to watch a basketball movie without any blacks in it.
04:51
[Man On TV] Tired of being weak and helpless? - [ Gasps ]
04:54
Join a tradition of strength, honor and bravery.
04:57
Join the Langley Falls Police Academy.
04:59
We're looking for Langley's finest
05:01
We're looking for you.
05:03
Me? - [ Steve ] Okay, Roger. I'm going.
05:09
I know, I should have put my blades on outside.
05:11
You love this, don't you? You're loving this.
05:17
You are a stone-cold bastard.
05:24
Ta-da! I joined the police academy.
05:27
They're gonna teach me how to be strong and tough like a real man!
05:30
Put your hands on your fanny! You have the right to remain horny!
05:34
[ Laughs ]
05:36
That was a joke, an excellent joke. But I'm serious about this.
05:39
You look ridiculous. - Oh, do I?
05:41
Once upon a time, there was a little alien who went to the police academy.
05:46
[ Roger Humming Theme From Charlie's Angels ]
05:52
[ Frannie Screams ] - [ Roger ] Had to blow up the kitchen, Frannie.
05:56
It goes real well with this thing I'm imagining.
06:03
You joined the police academy, Roger?
06:06
Sounds pretty bad-ass. - Steve, language!
06:08
Shut the fuck up, Frannie. The boy's expressing himself.
06:11
Steve, it's extremely bad-ass.
06:13
I am never gonna get pushed around again!
06:15
Ha! You'll never make it, Roger.
06:17
Hey, you know how many Police Academy movies I watched to prepare for this?
06:21
None! 'Cause I knew i'd pick up some bad habits.
06:23
Anyway, I'm gonna do great. You'll see!
06:25
[ Bawling ]
06:28
Stop splashing me!
06:30
[ Gunshot ] - [ Gasps ]
06:32
My piece!
06:36
[ Sighs ] What a day, huh?
06:38
What about you? How are you holding up?
06:41
Lucas, how'd you do?
06:43
Oh, that's excellent. I probably got an "A" though.
06:45
You should study with me next time.
06:47
Maybe order in a pizza and a two-liter?
06:49
What do you like, Sprite? I sure do.
06:53
What? No way!
06:55
Wait. Why is this wrong? Next to "miranda rights'...
06:58
I put, "Miranda has the right to a decent man who will help her raise her baby."
07:02
Are these questions not about Sex and the City?
07:04
[ Shouting ] Lucas, why won't you tell me what kind of soda you like?
07:09
I'm so glad ian and I could finally get together with you guys and do this.
07:12
I am starving.
07:14
That's 'cause all you eaten all day is a b.l.t., silly girl.
07:17
[ Chuckling ] - Whoop. Got your napkin.
07:19
Hope you don't order finger foods.
07:21
Well, if I do, I'll just wipe my hands on your fur.
07:24
[ Chuckles ] Oh, see, now you're gettin' brave.
07:26
[ Chuckling ]
07:28
[ Chuckling Continues ]
07:32
I'm gonna try the meatballs. - Huh?
07:35
Oh. Yeah, baby. I was looking at that too.
07:38
Did you bring your Zantac?
07:40
What? They can't know? It's acid reflux.
07:42
I mean, you don't take that pill, they're gonna find out soon enough.
07:45
Rhonda's got acid reflux.
07:54
[ Clattering, Thumping ] - What the hell?
07:59
[ Grunting ]
08:02
Roger, stop this nonsense! - Never!
08:04
[ Groaning ]
08:06
Not everyone's cut out to be a cop.
08:08
Shut up! [ Groans ]
08:10
Roger, it's time to quit. - I won't! [ Groans ]
08:15
You need to give up. - No!
08:17
[ Farting, Crying ]
08:22
[ Farts ] There's another one.
08:25
Why are you doing this to yourself?
08:27
Because I want to be like you! - What?
08:30
You're the strongest, bravest, most honorable guy I know.
08:34
If you had been in that parking lot, you would have kicked that mugger's ass!
08:37
He humiliated me. I'm tired of being weak!
08:40
Help me!
08:42
I've been waiting to hear those words for a long time.
08:45
I just prayed they would come from my son, and not an alien in a sports bra.
08:49
It's a support tank. It's too small.
08:51
It rode up my belly.
08:53
Okay, Roger. If you're serious, I'll help you get through the police academy.
08:57
Really? Oh, Stan, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
09:01
[ Kissing ]
09:08
hello! [ Movie. Piano] - I'm gonna go get some candy.
09:11
I have to pee.
09:14
Sorry. - Sorry.
09:15
[[ Movie. Man ]I cant help but think that we should be together.
09:18
[[ Movie: Woman ] I know. But we both have someone else.
09:20
[ Man ] They never have to know. - [ Woman ] But we'll know.
09:23
[Man] I think I can live with that
09:25
[ Woman ] I think I can too.
09:27
[ Man Moaning ] - [I Woman ] Yes. yes!
09:31
[Man] Oh, I'm so glad were doing this!
09:34
Ooh! Took that Zantac a little too late.
09:38
Mm-mm-mm. Those meatballs are coming back.
09:41
[ Loud Groan ] I gotta lie on my side.
09:46
[ Groans ]
09:50
I need napkins.
09:52
Okay, Roger, if you want to make it through the academy...
09:55
you have to do everything I say.
09:57
I hope you know what you're getting into. - I got into these shorts.
10:00
i'd say that's already quite an achievement. [ Laughing ]
10:03
Let's race!
10:05
ale! [ Rock ] -[Man]/ Yeah!
10:11
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
10:15
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
10:20
After all is said and done
10:24
♪ You never walk You never run f
10:27
♪ Youre a winner
10:32
You got the moves You know the street
10:35
Break the rules Take the heat
10:38
Youre nobody's fool'
10:43
Youre at your best when the going gets rough
10:46
Youve been put to the test but it's never enough
10:51
You got the touch
10:55
You got the power,~
10:59
♪ When all hell's breaking loose,'
11:01
You'll be right in the eye of the storm
11:06
You got the heart'
11:10
You got the motion
11:13
[ Screams ]
11:15
[ Sustained Horn Honking ]
11:17
I Cryin -[ Soe]
11:20
Cadets of the Langley Falls Police Academy...
11:23
I'd like to introduce your valedictorian, Roger Smith.
11:27
[ Cheering ]
11:29
Wow You know, when I joined the academy...
11:32
I had no idea what a tough road it would be.
11:35
I cried every day for the first two weeks, crapped myself constantly.
11:39
Isn't that right, Tito? - What?
11:43
Where are you, Tito? Where do you go?
11:46
Anyway, luckily there was one man who believed in me.
11:49
He is my rock. He is my everything.
11:52
Mr. Stan Smith. Stand up and take a bow, Stan.
11:56
[ Crowd Cheering, Whistling ]
11:59
Not a bow, but okay.
12:05
[ Grunts ]
12:07
Here. I want you to have this.
12:09
I couldn't have done it without you. - No, kiddo. You earned it.
12:12
I'm so proud of you. Hey, I have a graduation surprise for you.
12:16
They caught your mugger. - Let's go. I'm gonna knock his teeth out!
12:19
Roger, you can't. He's in custody. We just have to let the justice system work.
12:23
But he humiliated me! And now I'm strong and brave enough to strike back!
12:27
Roger, just because you have the tools doesn't mean you can just do whatever you want.
12:30
You have to respect the law. - Sorry to interrupt.
12:33
Detective Chaz Migliachio. Great speech today, Roger. You got a minute?
12:37
I get it. Police business. I'll just mingle with strangers.
12:40
Hello, all.
12:42
Oh, looks like I'm the best-looking one in the group.
12:45
Oh. Nope. This guy. Why don't you find another group, handsome?
12:48
Roger, I've been watching your progress the past few months.
12:51
I have to say, I'm impressed.
12:53
Well, you should see me in the shower.
12:55
[ Laughing ] No, I'm just— Thank you though.
12:57
I overheard you talking to your buddy about a mugger in custody.
13:00
Yeah. He says we have to respect the law and let the legal system run its course.
13:05
Yeah, that's what most people have to do.
13:07
But not everyone.
13:09
God, I wish I knew what you meant when you said that.
13:12
Oh, well. See ya. - No, wait! I'll tell you.
13:14
Oh, great. I'm coming back.
13:16
[ Horn Blowing ]
13:22
Looks like showtime.
13:30
[ Siren Wails ] - [ Tires Screech ]
13:34
Roger! What are you doing? You're too green!
13:36
Get out of there! You're gonna blow this!
13:38
What do we have here, gentlemen?
13:40
Officer, I can explain. [ Grunts ] - No, I can explain.
13:44
I'm taking a cut of everything that comes through here.
13:46
These are my docks now. - [ Grunts ]
13:49
Who are you? - [ Car Door Closes ]
13:52
He's with me.
13:55
I guess when it comes to hitting people in the head with a baseball bat...
13:59
I'm... "the natural."
14:01
Laugh!
14:03
Roger's a dirty cop!
14:05
He's been on the force for three hours!
14:18
So, you wanted to have lunch. Well, here I am.
14:21
Thanks for ordering me a drink.
14:24
That's the cream. - That explains why it went down creamy.
14:26
I saw you shake down those guys down at the docks.
14:29
I know you're a dirty cop.
14:32
I don't know what you're talking about.
14:34
Roger, this isn't what I taught you.
14:36
I taught you to be strong and honorable and brave.
14:39
Strong! You don't know what strong is.
14:42
You weren't even brave enough to pay that mugger a visit.
14:45
But Chaz and I were.
14:51
Remember me?
14:53
Let me tell you a little about myself.
14:55
I grew up in a pretty unusual house.
14:57
It was a... roundhouse!
14:59
We were poor, so I had to make fruit juice from a mule.
15:03
We called it... donkey punch!
15:05
That was my first taste of real power, and it felt great.
15:09
Then Chaz showed me how I could feel that way every day—
15:12
taking what I want when I want.
15:14
Plus, I'm a sociopath, so, you know, all this fits me like a slipper.
15:17
Damn it, Roger, listen to me!
15:19
Chaz has got your head all twisted around!
15:21
No! For the first time in my life, people aren't messing with me!
15:25
They fear me!
15:27
You! Put that tub of mayonnaise in my car.
15:30
I'm gonna make it my girlfriend.
15:32
You're a disgrace!
15:34
You don't deserve to wear that mustache!
15:37
I was done with it anyway.
15:40
[ Beeping ] - Text from Chaz. I gotta roll.
15:43
Tell Klaus I said, "S'up?"
15:47
Hey! - [ Gasps ]
15:55
[ Radio. Rap]
15:58
[ Man ] /,* Well i'm an alley cat some say a dirty rat
16:00
♪ On my side is my gat See I'm all of that ¢ - [ Glass Shatters ]
16:03
♪ Spittin' out buckshot for I'm gonna wetcha,' - [ Siren Wailing ]
16:06
♪ Running hard but I'm still coming to getcha
16:08
[Ends ] - [ Car Door Closes ]
16:10
What seems to be the problem, Officer?
16:12
Quiet, whole milk! - [ Groans ]
16:18
Noticed that one of your taillights was busted.
16:20
That's a $500 fine.
16:22
I'm not allowed to have money!
16:24
Well, then, you're gonna have to do something for me.
16:27
Why don't you go ahead and scoot back on your banana seat?
16:30
What? - Scoot back on your seat.
16:35
That's good. Now spit on the tip of the seat.
16:38
But- - Do it!
16:41
[ Whimpering ]
16:44
Now sing with me.
16:46
é if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
16:50
é if you're happy and you know it clap your hands
16:54
Not you, Hanukkah!
16:56
I'm taking a cut of everything that comes through here.
16:58
These are my docks now. - [ Groans ]
17:03
[ Beeps ] - Deputy Director Bullock.
17:05
I have something you'll want to see right away.
17:08
No, it's not nude photos of Talia Shire.
17:11
No, it's not— Look, no— i'm-i'm not asking you to guess wh—
17:15
No, I didn't buy you a belt. You'll see in a minute.
17:17
You can wait. Sir, stop it. - [ Beeps ]
17:22
[ Sighs ]
17:27
[ Knocks ]
17:32
More laundry? - No, no.
17:34
I finished off your fabric softener, so I bought you a new box.
17:38
So how's Rhonda? I haven't seen you since our double date.
17:41
Actually, me and her broke up.
17:43
Oh, I'm— I'm sorry to hear that.
17:45
You know, me and ian broke up too.
17:48
Oh, man! It's Heartbreak Hotel up in here!
17:51
Damn it, Elvis! Leave us alone!
17:53
You know what we need to do? Race some go-carts.
17:55
That sounds like fun. - It's a date then.
17:57
I'm gonna make a sandwich. If you want one, holler at your koala.
18:02
[ Beeps ] - Hello, ian?
18:04
Listen, I want to break up.
18:07
[ Crowd gasps ] Ooh!
18:12
Good work, baby. [ Kisses ]
18:14
[ Phone Rings ]
18:16
"The Chaz singer." What's going on?
18:19
We're screwed, Roger! - [ Horn Honking ]
18:21
I got a mole at the C.I.A.... - [ Gunshots ]
18:23
who says your buddy's been doing surveillance down at the docks. - [ Woman Screams ]
18:26
Which means he's got tape on us! - What?
18:28
[ Sniffing ] He's been settin' us up!
18:30
[I Thudding ] - [ Dog Whimpers ]
18:32
You gotta take him down! - [ Gasps ]
18:34
Mwah! - [ Screams ]
18:36
You stop him before he turns those tapes in. Yahtzee!
18:40
Before we do anything crazy, let's make sure he has the tape.
18:43
Roger, I have the tape.
18:45
So I'm gonna give you a call back.
18:48
Love you! Oh, he already hung up. He knows though.
18:50
I was standing in Bullock's office holding that tape.
18:53
And at the last minute, I decided not to give it to him.
18:57
Because of this.
18:59
You were a good man...
19:01
and I believe you still can be.
19:03
Sometimes real strength is having power...
19:05
and choosing not to use it.
19:12
Chaz, can you take me home? My tummy doesn't feel so good.
19:16
I should have just had sex with that mayonnaise.
19:18
Sure, sure. But we got one more piece of business to take care of.
19:27
Since you know him, I figure you could do the honors.
19:30
But he already gave me the tape. He didn't turn us in!
19:32
I know his type. Eventually, he's gonna wanna do the honorable thing.
19:36
Then bam-— we're going to prison.
19:37
You know what happens to you in prison?
19:39
I know Kiefer Sutherland quit smoking.
19:43
I guess we all knew it would end up like this.
19:46
It didn't have to be this way, you dumb son of a bitch...
19:49
whose name is Chaz! - [ Gun Clicking ]
19:52
Oh, boy. - I knew you were weak, just like your friend here.
19:56
Weak? This guy's not weak.
19:58
He's the strongest man I know!
20:00
He risked everything for me. That takes strength.
20:03
You see, Chaz, real strength is having power and choosing not—
20:07
Ow! My skin!
20:10
Oh, no. Oh, my God! Oh, please, no.
20:14
[ Grunting ] - Where are you goin', princess?
20:17
Is that your little escape route?
20:19
[ Grunting Continues ]
20:22
What goes up must come—
20:44
That was unexpected.
20:48
Good job, Smith. One less dirty cop on the docks.
20:51
I'm recommending you for a commendation.
20:54
Does that mean more money? - No. Yes. Maybe.
20:57
I don't know. I probably won't follow through.
21:04
You really turned out to be one tough S.O.B.
21:07
Thanks, Stan.
21:08
So have you heard anything? Is Chaz gonna be okay?
21:12
No. - Okay.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
