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A little kiss? You thought I'd care?
S06E15 Merlot Down Dirty Shame
18:20 – 18:22
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I was waiting to tell you, but she tried to kiss me on the toilet.
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No, we're friends, so it's okay.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Announcer ] Previously on American Dad.
00:34
Help! We're trapped in this elevator!
00:37
We're gonna die in here! - Stan, I have you.
00:40
I will not let anything happen to you. Here. Smell my mouth.
00:43
[ Exhales ] - [ Sniffing ]
00:45
Garlic chicken. - Your favorite.
00:47
Thank you, Roger. If we get out of here, we're gonna be best friends forever.
00:52
Oh, Stan. We'll go straight to the Jewelry Galleria...
00:55
and buy something to commemorate our remarkable friendship.
00:58
High five.
01:05
Is this anything like what you're talking about?
01:10
This is exactly what we're talking about.
01:13
Stan, will you put mine on?
01:19
[ Whispering ] You've made me so happy.
01:24
Buddy, I need your help. Francine will be here in 10 seconds...
01:27
and I'm gonna tell her something she doesn't want to hear.
01:29
Play along. - Finally! [ Grunting ]
01:33
No, just agree with me. - Oh.
01:35
Hey, Stan. Just reminding you tomorrow's our drive up to wine country.
01:38
Tomorrow? Oh, boy!
01:40
Tomorrow's a big workday at work.
01:43
What? Stan, I've been planning this wine-tasting trip for a long time!
01:48
I wanted to go, but the security level is at orange.
01:50
It's more dangerous now. - Orange. It's more dangerous now.
01:54
I call malarkey, Stan. You just don't want to go wine-tasting.
01:58
Well, take Roger. - Wine lover right here.
02:00
Also a heroin lover in case anyone wants to schedule a poppy tour.
02:03
Huge heroin fan. Don't use it.
02:05
Just like being around it. Study it, appreciate it. Use it sometimes.
02:09
[ Scoffs ] Fine.
02:12
Good looking out, buddy. High five.
02:14
[ Together ] Yeah!
02:21
The red ball! Yes!
02:23
Hey, Pinkerton, you're giving everyone an "A" on this dumb lab.
02:27
Sure! And i'll throw in some suckers!
02:31
[ Students Cheering ]
02:33
I wanna lick your lolly.
02:36
[ Moaning ]
02:39
Now, kiss me.
02:41
I'm not gonna kiss you... with my top on.
02:45
[ Buzzing ]
02:48
No! Amy, I have so much horniness to give!
02:51
Steve, it's just a dream.
02:54
It was more than a dream, Klaus. It was a lucid dream.
02:57
[ Chuckles ] It happens.
02:58
We'll just put your sheets in the wash.
03:00
No. A lucid dream.
03:02
It's when you have total control over everything.
03:05
I trained myself. When I see a red ball...
03:07
it's a sign that I'm dreaming and I can do whatever I want.
03:10
You must teach me! - That is such a coincidence.
03:13
Klaus, are you ready for coincidence time?
03:15
I was just telling Toshi how I wanted to teach some whiny fish how to lucid dream.
03:19
I mean, come on! Later, dumb ass.
03:23
Why?
03:25
Francine's pretty mad at me for bailing on her.
03:27
she made me have sex by myself last night.
03:29
Yeah, I know. We were watching CSI together.
03:31
Well, thanks for doing this, man. Oh, and watch her back for horn dogs.
03:34
Lot of Sweet Petes up in the wine country looking for an easy lay.
03:37
I'm the vagina goalie. Got it.
03:39
Let's go, Roger.
03:42
Bye, baby. - [ Scoffs ]
03:45
You got this handled? - Damn straight. Swing it!
03:47
Oh, yeah!
03:49
Uh, get-get a little closer. - You bend down kind of at an angle.
03:52
[ Clinks ] - [ Together ] I Yeah!
03:57
Screw Stan. We can have a great time without him, right?
04:00
How could we not? I mean, look. They've got a wine train we can ride.
04:04
Wait. Can we ride it? It's a small train.
04:07
It goes through the vineyards and carries passengers. Yes!
04:09
We can ride the wine train! - Choo-choo!
04:12
Don't... do that.
04:23
Roger, am I not good company? I mean, why didn't Stan want to come?
04:27
Oh, you know Stan. He's a big weirdo.
04:30
Oh, before I forget, this is my wine journal from my last tour.
04:33
I got you one. We can rate the wines we taste.
04:36
Check out my system. I guess I didn't like this particular wine...
04:39
because next to the name, I drew a butt taking a dukie.
04:41
But here, this one— this one's a dukie in a baseball cap.
04:44
A hat means I like the wine. - What's that?
04:47
That's a dukie in an Indian headdress. Racist.
04:49
I was drunk by then. - Oh, the hell with Stan. Let's get ripped.
04:53
Yeah! I got a map with all the best spots in town.
04:56
You said "raped," right?
05:02
Whoa, Frannie! You might want to slow down.
05:05
More like you might want to speed up.
05:09
[ Laughs ] It's on, bitch. I'm gonna go—
05:12
I'm gonna go hit the head, come back, and get ruined.
05:15
Like, just ruin myself and everything around me.
05:23
Did you just drink my wine? - Probably.
05:26
I'm getting drunk off my ass. - Very nice.
05:29
Two lubricants down this way, por favor.
05:33
Yo, Jack, you'd better step away. That's my best friend's girl.
05:37
Did you— Did you already pee?
05:39
No, I didn't make it. But this guy— this guy here...
05:42
Mr. Sweet Pete, he thinks he's making it.
05:45
Just buying the lady a drink.
05:47
I'll buy her the drinks, thank you.
05:49
Can you— Can you— Can you just spot me a 20?
05:51
I lost my wallet somewhere in this thieving town.
05:56
Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
06:00
This is— I can't- I can't even believe— Thank you.
06:03
Thank you. This is an honest town.
06:06
Somebody— Somebody just turned it in?
06:08
No. You found it in your jacket.
06:10
Thank you.
06:12
[ Groans ] I'm about— I'm about ready to call it a night.
06:15
[ Tires Screech ]
06:19
You're fun! That's who you are.
06:30
Mia, we need napkins over here.
06:35
so the kitchen's closing in five minutes if you want anything.
06:38
Anything? Can you ask the chef if he can whip me up a room...
06:42
without so many pubic hairs in the bathtub?
06:44
[ Chuckles ] That's funny.
06:46
Yeah, that's why I said it.
06:48
She likes you. - That Bowzer? She thinks I'm a Milk Bone.
06:53
Come on.
06:57
[ Both Laughing ]
07:01
Hey, look how much I love wine, Frannie.
07:05
You perv!
07:08
[ Both Laughing ]
07:19
Roger! - What?
07:21
God! Why did you do that?
07:23
Oh! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry.
07:27
I didn't mean— I didn't mean-— I'm sorry.
07:29
I'm just— I'm drunk.
07:32
Look, I'll go to sleep in the car now.
07:34
I'll-- I'm just— I'll go to the car, okay?
07:37
Ow! Ew! Gross!
07:40
Somebody— Somebody's drying their bike shorts on the railing.
07:46
[ Muttering ] Make me breakfast.
07:49
What's up with Steve? He's sleeping all the time.
07:52
He's on a lucid dream kick.
07:54
Well, not during iconoclasts with Katherine Helmond and Usher.
07:57
I dont know who you are. - I dont know who you are.
08:01
[ Muttering ] - Hey, wake up! Can't you do that somewhere else?
08:05
It doesn't matter where I do it.
08:07
When I go into my dreams, I'm king.
08:09
It's awesome. You should try it.
08:11
Maybe in your dreams, you could have some friends.
08:13
Shut up! I have friends. - Oh, right.
08:16
I forgot about your best friend, the fish.
08:18
[ Chuckles ] Fools.
08:20
What a jerk. We need to take him down a peg.
08:23
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
08:25
[ Thinking ] Use the secret mental telepathy we share to bring down Steve?
08:29
[ Thinking ] No. I say we mess with Steve without using our powers.
08:32
God Stick-in-the-mud bitch.
08:34
Klaus, you know I can hear you. - Yeah. I'm pissed!
08:37
i'm insulting you!
08:44
[ Gasps, Groans ]
08:46
Roger, maybe we should talk about last night.
08:50
Get some breakfast? Excellent! - Oh
08:58
Y'all have enough time?
09:00
ill have two eggs, one over easy, one over medium...
09:02
three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey...
09:05
a fruit cup, unless it's mostly honeydew melon...
09:07
in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit...
09:10
a glass of whole milk over ice...
09:12
and a side of toast barely browned, closer to bread than toast...
09:14
I'm not joking, with as many local jams as you have in stock.
09:18
Oh, and a Bloody Mary. - We don't serve alcohol.
09:25
Look, about last night— - It was nothing.
09:27
I made a stupid, drunk mistake, and it'll never happen again.
09:30
Good. We'll put it behind us, and hopefully Stan will understand.
09:34
Whoa! Whoa! I don't— I don't think we tell Stan.
09:38
He's my best friend, and I— I betrayed him.
09:40
Roger, I've got to be up front with him.
09:43
Oh, like he was when he didn't tell you he was an ice dancer?
09:45
Remember? It was his winter secret.
09:47
Well, this'll be your fall secret. Seasonal secrets.
09:51
I was thinking of opening a boutique with that name. God, to open a boutique!
09:55
Look, if I don't tell Stan and he ever found out...
09:58
then this thing that meant nothing would suddenly mean something.
10:02
Francine, please, just think about it, okay?
10:04
[ Sighs ] Okay, I'll think about it. - Excuse me.
10:08
Is Smucker's produced locally?
10:10
Um—- - No, it's not.
10:15
[ Whispering ] He's coming! Throw it!
10:19
The red ball! Oh, my God! This is the most real dream yet!
10:23
Wait. Can this be a dream? - [ Klaus ] Who stole the tarts?
10:26
Who stole the tarts?
10:27
Boy, did you see a short giraffe with a mouthful of muffin?
10:31
This is awesome!
10:34
Hayley, give me lunch money.
10:37
Now ask Snot on a date. - [ Beeps ]
10:39
[ Snot ] Hello? - Hi. It's Hayley.
10:41
Will you go out with me? - Oh, my God, yes! Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Oh, my—
10:45
[ Beeps ] - Today, school is a pajama party.
10:48
I think I'll fly there.
10:51
Or-Or you could force me to be your chauffeur slave.
10:54
Yes. That seems more appropriate for the dream king.
11:02
Run all the lights! It's my dream. Nothing can hurt us.
11:05
But don't drive too fast. I need about 15 for a little Steve time.
11:11
We are getting away with this. - No talking!
11:17
Say, I was just thinking again about the whole kiss thing.
11:20
Anyhoo, I bet you decided not to tell Stan.
11:23
Actually, I think he should know. - Why?
11:26
He blew you off. I shouldn't even have been on this trip.
11:29
Of course, it's no surprise. He's just not romantic.
11:31
Big romantic surprise! - [ Gasps ]
11:33
Mwah! - Oh, baby.
11:36
Oh, no.
11:37
I missed my girl and my best friend.
11:39
Blow me? - You bet!
11:43
[ Together ] Yeah!
11:45
That bartender Mia told me where you'd be. she remembered you, Roger.
11:48
I think she's into you, but she thought you were with Francine.
11:51
Funny you should say that, because last night—
11:54
Oh! How clumsy of me. I'm still getting used to my artificial foot.
11:59
Don't worry about it. I'll wash it out in the bathroom.
12:03
That lady's knockers— Boy!
12:10
Those damn Sweet Petes! You have any trouble with them last night?
12:13
No, no. Last night was pretty uneventful.
12:16
Hey, you want to go? - Aren't we waiting for Francine?
12:18
she just texted me. She ran into a friend from camp in the bathroom.
12:21
she'll meet us at the next place. Race you to the car!
12:24
[ Both Yelling ]
12:27
Where are you guys going? - [ Engine Starts ]
12:29
[ Panting ] Please, Francine!
12:32
I'm telling him, Roger.
12:35
Stan— - I wanna be where the action is.
12:38
sing free-form jazz with me.
12:40
[ Scatting ]
12:47
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
13:19
Good show, Roger. I'm gonna go buy us matching golf shirts.
13:23
What are you? Large? Medium? - Boy's husky.
13:27
[ Francine ] Stan!
13:31
Come on, Francine. Can't you give me this one thing?
13:34
He's my best friend in the world. - My mind's made up.
13:37
He's gonna take my necklace away.
13:42
Frannie, I just need a little time to think.
13:45
Maybe you do too, huh? Now we both have a little time to think.
13:50
Thinking's good.
13:52
Thinking's what rational people do.
13:58
I got you a women's small. I had a fat kid try it on.
14:01
It looked great on him, so— - Thanks, bud.
14:04
By the way, Francine said she was pooped, so she went to the spa for a mud bath.
14:07
[ Francine: Muffled ] Help! - Do you hear screaming?
14:10
Screaming? Yeah, I hear it. It's my calves.
14:13
We rented bikes yesterday. Did 50 miles.
14:15
They are howling, bud. [ Mock Screaming ]
14:25
Hey, Roger! Sit up here at the bar.
14:28
Yuck. Don't stop. We're actually gonna order some food.
14:31
I serve the full menu right here.
14:33
Stop it, Mia. You know your face is gross to me.
14:36
Don't make me talk about that.
14:38
When's Francine back from the spa? - Could take weeks.
14:41
she's gettin' the Tom and Jerry cleanse.
14:43
They send a hungry field mouse up her waa-waa, let it go to town.
14:46
Then they send a cat in after the mouse. It's a long process.
14:49
You're funny, man. Order me the hamburger salad.
14:51
I'm gonna go shower up.
14:54
[ Groaning ] - How you been, Rog?
14:57
Do I know you? - It's Mark. Remember?
14:59
I paid for the chocolates you got caught stealing at the winery.
15:02
You were there with your wife. - That wasn't my wife!
15:04
That was my best buddy's wife, and I ended up kissing her.
15:07
When he finds out, our friendship's gonna be over!
15:10
Not necessarily.
15:11
Just let your buddy kiss your girl, and then you'll be even.
15:15
Oh, yeah, that'd be great, but I don't have a girlfriend.
15:21
[ Scatting ]
15:25
Hey, beautiful. You free tonight? Of course you're free.
15:28
Now, go home and put on your best Disneyland sweatshirt. We're going out!
15:37
[ Whimpers, Gasps ]
15:39
Don't panic. I'm just keeping you down there until I can fix things.
15:42
Roger! - And I got you food.
15:45
sun Fresh chips, right? And a sandwich.
15:53
Did you get it? Hello?
15:57
Is the sandwich stuck in the pipe? Did you get any of the chips?
16:00
They're Sun Fresh chips. They're healthy for you. Healthier than regular chips.
16:04
Oh, no, they are not.
16:06
[ Tires Screeching ]
16:09
[ People Screaming ]
16:14
Yo, yo! I stopped for burgers after I choked it.
16:19
Are we going too far with this?
16:21
I sure hope so.
16:24
Steve, it's almost 1:00.
16:26
Get a load of Big Ben. Dong! Dong! I know what time it is.
16:33
[ Beeps ]
16:34
I'm going to go get Principal Lewis!
16:40
Yo, girl. You're my lab partner.
16:42
But I'm paired up with Dennis.
16:46
Dennis is paired up with the floor now.
16:50
Steve, you're so crazy today.
16:52
You think that's crazy? Wait till you see this!
16:56
Let's fly!
16:58
No, don't! - [ Loud Crash ]
17:01
I don't want to look. Does my leg look broken?
17:04
Oh, my God!
17:10
So, where do you want to go?
17:12
I thought we'd just hang here with my buddy Stan.
17:14
He's super fun, great kisser. stan, you old bastard, get in here.
17:18
This is my very serious girlfriend, Mia.
17:22
We're friends. It's okay to kiss hello. What's a kiss? Nothing!
17:24
Means you're friends. Wine country! Tequila all around!
17:36
To kissing!
17:40
Come on! Group kiss! I kiss Mia. I kiss Stan.
17:44
Everybody's kissing. You guys kiss.
17:47
I'm just gonna use the john real quick.
17:50
What are you doing just sittin' there? You're the worst date.
17:52
Go kiss him while he's pooping. You know, give him a San Diego thank you.
17:59
Lips are for kissin' Uh, uh, uh
18:01
Lips are for kissin' Uh, uh, uh
18:03
You guys like that song— "Lips Are For Kissing"? Kiss if you like that song.
18:06
I think I should go.
18:10
You can't leave without a kiss. Come on!
18:12
Go tongue-blast his baloney hole!
18:15
Hey, bro, I wouldn't be too broken up about her.
18:17
I was waiting to tell you, but she tried to kiss me on the toilet.
18:20
A little kiss? You thought I'd care?
18:23
No, we're friends, so it's okay.
18:25
Not in my book. That makes it especially not okay.
18:28
Remember these? Best friends forever, man.
18:36
Stan, something happened last night.
18:39
You're not gonna like it, but I have to tell you the truth.
18:43
[ Grunts ]
18:45
Stan, I have something to tell you. - Roger already told me.
18:49
Really? - Yes, all the sordid details.
18:52
Well, it wasn't sordid. It was just a stupid little kiss.
18:56
So you admit it! You kissed Roger! - What?
18:59
No! He kissed me! - Lie.
19:01
I've been trying to tell you all day. - All day?
19:04
I've been waiting all day for you to come clean.
19:07
But you went to the spa to ease your guilty conscience.
19:10
Well, I couldn't leave my buddy hanging any longer.
19:12
Stan, this is crazy. He kissed me, and then he buried me alive!
19:17
Good try! We know you had a mud bath.
19:19
In my clothes?
19:20
Yeah. You ruined a perfectly fine dress...
19:23
your hardworking husband bought you.
19:25
I do work hard.
19:26
He's lying, Stan!
19:29
No, I'm not. Stan, this is the high five truth.
19:33
This is ridiculous!
19:36
Francine, I'm sorry. If I hid this from Stan and he found out...
19:39
then this thing that meant nothing would suddenly mean something.
19:43
That— That's what I told you! I'll kill you!
19:46
Leave him alone, Francine. Roger's a true friend.
19:52
[ Roger ] Hey, these bike shorts are dry. Why don't they take them down?
19:54
Hey, Room 23, your shorts!
19:59
Who knows how many guys she was with who weren't my best buddy and didn't tell me!
20:03
Yeah. Yeah, probably a lot.
20:06
I've put so much into this marriage.
20:09
God. Now it looks like divorce.
20:11
Half of all marriages end in divorce. - But it's so terrible.
20:14
First, there's the kids— the poor kids.
20:17
It'll make them stronger. - Then the house. We'll have to sell the house.
20:21
It's just stuff, man. Things.
20:23
Which means no more attic for you.
20:25
Beg pardon? - I mean, where will you live? This affects everyone.
20:28
Whoa! What's this? Is the sidewall cracking?
20:32
Shouldn't be. I just got these—
20:35
Okay, Stan, now I can tell you.
20:37
You don't have to get divorced and sell the attic...
20:40
because I was the one who kissed Francine.
20:43
But it didn't mean anything. It was just a drunken slip-up.
20:45
Damn it, Roger! Get me the hell out of here!
20:48
I'm just gonna give you some time to cool off.
20:49
I'm gonna rip your fuckin' head off! - Okay, so you need more time.
20:53
[ Screaming ]
20:54
[ Announcer ] Next time on American Dad.
20:56
[ Screaming ]
21:02
Not the necklace! Ow.
21:09
They're beautiful, Stan.
21:11
You're beautiful, baby. You're beautiful.
21:17
I can't believe you did this to me.
21:19
Amy's family might prosecute me for attempted murder!
21:22
[ Laughing ] You wore your underwear to school.
21:25
[ Laughing ] - [ Doorbell Rings ]
21:31
Wow! Hayley, you look beautiful. - What are you talking about?
21:36
I shaved. I'm here for our date.
21:38
I sold all my toys to rent a limo.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
