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My anus was frothing like a cappuccino.
S06E16 Bully for Steve
07:28 – 07:30
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
You guys see my rad new camera?
00:36
I'm pursuing a newfound passion—
00:39
crime scene photography.
00:40
Ooh, like the guys on CSI?
00:42
Yes, Klaus. Remember we were watching CSI together...
00:45
and I was like, "I want to do that"...
00:46
and you were like, "You totally should?
00:48
Ring a bell? - Not at all.
00:50
Are you sure you weren't just high on angel dust talking to the ceiling fan?
00:53
Oh, that's right! Anyway, I need a portfolio...
00:55
of some gruesome, hard-to-look-at photos.
00:58
And I'm not talking about shots of the new Asian Kenny Rogers, so don't even make that joke.
01:01
Don't got the time. - [ Horn Honks, Tires Screech ]
01:03
[ Vehicles Crash ] - Oh! My first photo!
01:05
I took down the stop sign on Forest Wood Drive.
01:07
Looks like I got a bite!
01:09
[ Door Opens ]
01:10
Steve's up! Morning, every— [ Screams ]
01:13
I'm okay!
01:15
Steve, a homosexual giant called.
01:17
He said he wants his shirt back. - [ Rings, Beeps ]
01:20
Hello? - False alarm, baby.
01:22
It was under the daybed. sorry for the confusion.
01:25
Gotta go. I blamed a lot of people for this one.
01:28
[ Giggles ] - [ Beeps ]
01:30
[ Beeps ] - Turns out he found it. So, whose shirt is that?
01:32
Mine. The guy at the store told me it was a small...
01:34
but when I got home and took it out of the bag, it was a double X.L.
01:37
So? Take It back.
01:38
Oh, I already opened the package.
01:41
What if he doesn't let me return it? I don't prefer confrontation.
01:44
Son, go upstairs, find your nads--
01:46
they're probably in your Lego tub—
01:48
then go back to that store and demand the correct size!
01:50
Leave Steve alone.
01:51
He's a gentle soul, and I love him for it.
01:54
And I love you, Mama Bear.
01:58
[ Screams ]
02:00
I'm not okay! [ Groans ]
02:03
[ Sighs ] Is Steve always this passive?
02:05
God, I better look into this.
02:07
Oh, you're worrying about a hill of bananas.
02:09
Am I? I don't think so.
02:11
By the way, "hill of bananas? I like that. Is that a real expression?
02:15
Good for you!
02:19
Okay, kid, let's see how wimpy you really are.
02:24
[ Winces, Seethes ]
02:26
Oh, God. That's peppery.
02:32
It's all right, sugar. We'll cross together.
02:38
Brenda's got you. You're her whole world right now.
02:42
Brenda's my dead cousin.
02:44
she's watching over both of us.
02:56
French bread pizza! My favorite!
03:02
Come on, Steve, do something!
03:04
Oh, don't start crying.
03:06
Why are you pulling out your cell phone? Who are you calling?
03:08
[ Rings, Beeps ]
03:09
[Steve] Daddy!
03:11
[ Sobbing ] Pick me up! I'm sick!
03:19
[ Groans ]
03:24
Oh, hell, no.
03:26
Hey. Hey, boy Dad!
03:28
What are you doing? - I was gonna meet the guys at the new park.
03:30
But I didn't realize it was gonna be so hilly. Can I get a ride to the top?
03:34
No way. Jose, listen.
03:36
Obstacles are meant to be overcome.
03:38
Rise to the challenge and get up that hill.
03:40
Go play with your friends in the park.
03:43
[ Inhales, Sighs ]
03:47
Nah. Toshi will text me a picture.
03:49
Between me and you, I just want to see the landscaping.
03:53
You shy away from— Oh, God! Oh, my God! - [ Parking Brake Clicks ]
03:58
You shy away from every challenge.
04:00
I'm shy. - Well, you can't shy away from a crate of oranges.
04:03
A crate of oranges?
04:05
Yes. Imagine someday you live in a four-story walk-up apartment.
04:08
What? Like a brownstone? - Yes, like a brownstone.
04:12
Now, you've got to get a heavy crate of oranges upstairs.
04:14
I don't really like oranges. - They're for your mother.
04:16
she's waiting in your apartment for them.
04:18
Oh, yay! Mom's visiting?
04:20
I can't wait to show her the city.
04:21
No. She's not visiting. She's sick.
04:23
[ Gasps ] - And she needs those oranges.
04:25
Oh, geez.
04:26
Well, I'll just pay someone to bring them up.
04:28
Pay someone? No. That's no way to solve your problems.
04:31
Look, she needs those oranges.
04:33
she's dying, okay? She's got scurvy.
04:35
Without those oranges, she'll be dead by morning.
04:37
Oh, my God! Mommy, no!
04:40
[ Groans ]
04:44
Whew! Long mission. China be huge!
04:47
What up, Demi? Where Whoopi at?
04:49
[ Chuckles ] You probably don't know that movie.
04:51
How old are you? How old am I?
04:53
Hey, Reggie. So you just get back?
04:55
Yeah. Now I'm on a bigger mission.
04:57
To ask you out.
04:59
Yes! I mean, yeah, sure, whatever.
05:03
I get it. You're playing it cool.
05:04
You know that is my signature temperature.
05:06
In fact, I am so cool, I'm-a go pick up myself one of those polyester-style jackets.
05:11
What do you call them? They're kind of slippery.
05:13
They swish— Windbreaker. That's the word.
05:15
[ Clicks Tongue ] Girl, you did not help me at all there, did you?
05:22
Well, I took the day off to follow Steve yesterday.
05:25
Turns out I was right to be worried about him. - You followed Steve all day?
05:28
Yeah. I do stuff like that. Followed you last week.
05:30
I don't know what you thought was in your butt-hole in the Target parking lot...
05:33
but you were— you were really trying to find it.
05:36
Anyway, Steve avoids every obstacle. He's a total wimp.
05:38
When I was a kid, you used to get your ass kicked if you were a wimp.
05:41
Stan, stop. He's a good kid. He does well in school. He's not on drugs.
05:46
Love him for who he is.
05:48
Hi. Called in a "to go" order for a P.B. and banana on wheat.
05:52
That'll be two kisses.
05:54
Ooh, I only got a five. I'm gonna need change.
05:57
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
06:00
And three's your change. Mwah, mwah, mwah.
06:03
[ Humming ]
06:07
Seriously, what were you trying to get out of your butt?
06:10
It was just itchy.
06:12
I don't believe you.
06:14
Raise your hand if you're a happy dude
06:16
~tiam,larry
06:18
Shake your tush if you like Chinese food
06:21
do,dey
06:25
Dad? [ Grunts ]
06:26
Out here I'm not your dad. - What are you talking about?
06:29
You're afraid of confrontation, you avoid physical challenges...
06:31
and as soon as anything gets difficult, you give up. - So?
06:34
So? You're a wimp!
06:36
And you need a bully to toughen you up.
06:38
Well, now you got one— me.
06:40
Now, give me your lunch! - Stop! Get off me!
06:43
Yeah, that's what your mom said last night!
06:51
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
06:55
Whoa. Slow down there, champ. How was your day?
06:58
Bad. It-it was bad.
07:01
Oh, no. What happened?
07:02
I— I got beat up.
07:05
sounds like you got a bully.
07:07
Yeah! It's you!
07:09
Hmm? I'm not sure what you're talking about.
07:11
I had a bully once. Stelio Kontos was his name.
07:14
He was as mean as he was Greek.
07:17
He made my life a living hell
07:20
He totally tormented me.
07:22
One time he made me keep a live bat in my underpants all day.
07:26
Gave me ass rabies.
07:28
My anus was frothing like a cappuccino.
07:30
[ Bell Dings ]
07:32
Anyway, that olive-skinned bastard made me into the man I am today.
07:36
The kind that bullies his own son?
07:38
Right. You see, Steve, the good thing about bullies is they don't just go away.
07:42
You're forced to deal with them.
07:43
How did you deal with Stelio? - Mmm, good story. He moved away.
07:47
[ Sighs ] - But your bully's not going anywhere.
07:50
So deal with him. You'll be better off for it.
07:52
[ Door Opens ]
07:55
[ Gasps ] Steve! Oh, my God! Who did this to you?
08:00
Better not say a fuckin' word, or I'll kill you.
08:04
It was not Dad.
08:05
Okay, it wasn't Dad. Good.
08:08
We're narrowing it down.
08:09
Who else can we cross off the list?
08:12
I don't think you'd do this to yourself. That's two.
08:15
I know I didn't do it.
08:17
This is coming together.
08:24
[ Screams ]
08:25
I sprained my wrist!
08:27
You don't Know that. You're not a doctor.
08:29
I'm taking this. What are you gonna do about it?
08:31
I— I-I don't know.
08:33
Stand up for yourself. Fight me.
08:36
Well, I'm gonna mount this and ride it hard—
08:38
like I did to your mom last night. - [ Wheel Squeaking ]
08:42
[I Carnival ]
08:49
Seity.
08:51
Oh, come on, man. You got to let me on.
08:54
I'm trying to create a moment with this girl.
08:56
I respect this bitch. I love this bitch.
09:00
Oh, I'm a sucker for love.
09:02
Wrap your arms around that bitch. Never let her go.
09:07
Come on, baby. Our chariot awaits.
09:12
Hayley?
09:16
Hey! I thought that was you.
09:18
You look awesome, babe. - You look great too.
09:21
I thought you were in Jerusalem...
09:22
trying to track down the inventor of the everything bagel.
09:25
I was. But I got this job offer selling glow things...
09:28
and, you know, that's like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
09:31
God, it's so good to see you.
09:33
You too.
09:35
[ Clears Throat ]
09:37
Oh. Sorry. Reginald, this is Jeff.
09:39
We-We used to date.
09:41
Oh. Well, that is so fun.
09:44
Nice to meet you. Hey, you guys wanna see where all the clowns sleep?
09:47
It's Super sad.
09:48
Yeah, sure. I-
09:50
Oh. But we were about to go on the Ferris wheel.
09:53
Oh, that's okay. You two go ahead.
09:55
I'm gonna eat a whole turkey leg, then find a clean porta-john to destroy.
09:59
You're the best.
10:00
You smell great. - Thanks. How's Yerhugeva Gina?
10:03
[ Hayley ] Oh, Yerhugeva? She's good.
10:05
She's back in Croatia for the winter...
10:07
with the rest of the Gina family.
10:09
Upstaged by a wily-ass hippie.
10:16
[ Shutter Clicking ]
10:19
[ Groans ] These shots are no good for my crime scene portfolio.
10:22
If only you were a little more mangled.
10:24
Ooh, Steve. My wedding ring fell in the garbage disposal.
10:27
Grab it for me?
10:28
[ Garbage Disposal Whirs ] - Roger!
10:30
You never do anything for me.
10:32
Is there anything better than night tennis?
10:34
Ja. A racially pure Europe.
10:37
[ All Laugh ]
10:39
Steve, look at you!
10:41
Oh, this bully thing is out of control!
10:44
Steve should stand up to his bully.
10:46
Violence is never the answer.
10:48
Steve, have you tried reasoning with this boy?
10:50
Maybe he just needs a friend.
10:55
Hey, Francine, I dropped my bracelet in the garbage disposal.
10:58
Dip your fingers in there for me?
10:59
[ Garbage Disposal Whirs ] - Roger!
11:01
Come on. That was your left hand, drama queen.
11:04
Where am I off to?
11:10
Give me your lunch money, ass-breath!
11:12
I was thinking maybe I could take you out for a cup of coffee.
11:15
You know. Talk a little?
11:18
It's just, my dad left when I was young.
11:20
It was hard on my mom. It was hard on me.
11:23
Must have been rough. - It was, Steve. It really was.
11:28
Mmm. Delish. Want a sip?
11:29
Oh, yes, please. I would love some— [ Shrieks ]
11:32
You can't reason with a bully!
11:34
[ Exclaims ] You got it in my eye!
11:36
I know, I know. That's what Mom said last night.
11:39
That's right. While I was doin' her! Ba-boom!
11:43
Principal Lewis, we're so worried about Steve.
11:46
Somebody's been bullying him. - Who's doing this to you, son?
11:52
[ Whispering ] You better not say a fuckin' word, or I'll kill you.
11:55
I won't tell! I'll never tell!
11:57
[ Sighs ] All right. Well, I guess we'll have to review the security camera.
12:04
[ Children Shouting ]
12:07
[ School Bell Rings ]
12:14
Uh, let's move right through this section at double speed.
12:17
[ tape Whirring ]
12:25
Francine, we need to go home and talk.
12:27
I'm having an affair with a homosexual giant.
12:31
stan? What are you doing—
12:34
[ Steve Gasps ]
12:35
You're Steve's bully?
12:38
Oop! Gotta go to my xylophone lesson.
12:43
Good-bye, Steve.
12:48
And hello, desk sandwich.
12:56
[ Growling, Roaring ]
12:59
[ Boy Screams ] - Oh, shit!
13:02
Stan, come back here!
13:06
[ Grunting ]
13:10
Stan, get back here!
13:13
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! Damn it!
13:16
Open the door, you son of a bitch!
13:19
Uh, can't hear you.
13:21
[ Tires Screech ]
13:23
[ Drops Of Jupiter" ]
13:25
[ With Stereo ] ¢ Tell me, did you sail across the sun?
13:29
Did you make it to the Milky Way
13:31
to see the lights are faded?
13:34
é¢ And that heaven is—
13:40
Francine! You T-boned me, bro!
13:42
Stop bullying our son!
13:45
It's for his own good. He needs to learn to stand up for himself.
13:48
He's fine the way he is!
13:50
Look, I'm not gonna push him around forever. Just until he fights back.
13:52
You're crazy!
13:55
I heard an accident!
13:59
[ Screaming ]
14:02
[ Screaming Continues ]
14:08
Good. You're home.
14:10
Steve, I know I said violence was never the answer.
14:13
But it has just become the answer.
14:17
I'm gonna teach you how to kick your father's ass!
14:20
Good! That ass needs a pounding!
14:23
Yeah. That's what your father said last night.
14:32
I've been in a few fights in my day.
14:34
About two hundo, maybe two-fitty.
14:37
[ Cheering ] - [ Grunting ]
14:39
[ Shrieks ]
14:41
[ Grunts ]
14:43
[ Screams, Grunts ]
14:45
Ooh! Oh
14:47
Yeah! You're dead, Becky!
14:51
Oh, where did the time go?
14:53
Okay.
14:54
For the next two weeks, we're locking ourselves down here...
14:57
and I'm training you until you are an unstoppable fighting machine!
15:05
Forget it! I can't do this!
15:07
You're just— You're just terrible!
15:10
You-— You can't even make a fist!
15:12
[ Grunts ]
15:14
[ Grunts ]
15:16
Mom, where are you going?
15:17
I'm no good for you right now, Steve.
15:19
You are so frustrating.
15:23
I'm gonna go down to Sea World, punch a dolphin in the face.
15:27
[ Scraping, Screeching ]
15:32
[ Bell Dings ]
15:41
Hello there.
15:43
Hi. Hello.
15:50
[ Bell Dings ]
15:56
Thanks, Jack. See you next time.
15:58
[ Jack ] You got it, chief.
16:01
Sixty-eight!
16:04
Quarter pound yellow American cheese sliced medium thin.
16:15
How's that?
16:17
A little bit thinner. - You got it.
16:24
[ Beeping ] - A little under okay?
16:26
I prefer under to over.
16:29
Have a good one.
16:31
[ Bell Dings ]
16:36
Oh, Oh, come on
16:37
You can't have Roger dress you up just to avoid me.
16:40
Do you know how long makeup took?
16:42
I was in the chair at 4:00 am!
16:44
There's no way around this, Steve.
16:46
Sooner or later, you're gonna have to find a way...
16:48
to get those oranges up the stairs.
16:53
Let's settle this once and for all—
16:55
on the playground, tomorrow, 3:00.
16:58
Good. 'Cause I've been missing a lot of work.
17:03
Hey, hey, Cassius Clay!
17:07
Oh, hey, Reggie.
17:08
What a beautiful vase.
17:10
It's a menses pot.
17:11
Okay, that's cool.
17:13
Hey, our date the other night got a bit overpopulated.
17:16
What do you say we try that again— just us?
17:18
sorry, Reggie. It's just—
17:20
seeing Jeff brought up a lot of old feelings.
17:23
Oh. Mm-hmm.
17:24
I need some time alone to sort things out.
17:27
Ah, yeah. You take as much time as you—
17:30
No, you know what? I'm done pretending.
17:33
I love you, Hayley. I always have.
17:36
Reggie, I had no idea.
17:39
No, you didn't.
17:40
Now I'm gonna give you some time to listen to your heart. - But—
17:43
é Little girl at the pottery wheel
17:46
take your time, figure out how you feel
17:49
And when you're ready to be mine you'll
17:52
be ready for "koala-ty"
17:55
lime sy
18:08
[ School Bell Rings ]
18:11
This is So awesome. I'm gonna get some great shots.
18:14
shoot it in black and white so it looks like Raging Bull
18:17
Call it Raging Bully.
18:18
Oh, my God! I did it!
18:20
I didn't think you'd show.
18:22
Who's this, your boyfriend?
18:24
Oh, I don't like that one bit. You know damn well who I am.
18:27
He's here to photograph the crime scene.
18:29
'Cause you're about to get murdered!
18:31
Love this attitude, Steve.
18:34
You know what? I'm gonna give you the first punch.
18:36
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
18:39
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
18:41
Fight! Fight! Fight!
18:43
You know, I was thinking. And I realized something.
18:46
What, that you're a gaylord?
18:48
[ Laughing ]
18:50
[ Gasping ]
18:54
Stelio Kontos!
18:57
Stelio
18:59
Stelio Kontos
19:01
Stelio
19:04
Stelio Kontos ♪ - Oh!
19:06
I found him on Facebook, and it got me thinking.
19:09
Why do you care how I get those oranges up the stairs?
19:12
I can pay someone to bring them up for me...
19:14
just like I'm paying Stelio to kick your ass.
19:17
Stelio ♪ - [ Gasps ]
19:19
Stelio Kontos
19:21
Stelio ♪ - [ Grunts ]
19:22
Stelio Kontos ♪ - [ Groaning ]
19:24
No! You're not doing it yourself, Steve.
19:28
So it doesn't count.
19:30
Really? Sure looks like it counts to me.
19:32
[ Grunting ]
19:34
You know what, Dad? You tell me...
19:36
when you feel I've gotten those oranges up the stairs, okay?
19:40
Stelio
19:42
Stelio Kontos
19:44
-,* - No! Not the slidakopita!
19:47
Stelio Kontos, Stelio ♪ - [ Groaning ]
19:51
[ Grunts ] - ♪ Stelio Kontos
19:52
Stelio
19:55
Stelio Kontos ♪ - [ Grunting ]
19:57
[ Grunts ]
20:05
[ Shudders ]
20:09
Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God. It's over.
20:12
Stelio
20:14
Oh, no. He's coming from so far away.
20:19
He's picking up so much speed!
20:24
Kontos
20:26
[ Distorted Grunts, Echoes ]
20:30
They're up the stairs!
20:32
For the love of God, you got the oranges up the stairs!
20:36
Stelio
20:38
Stelio Kontos Stel—
20:40
♪ [ Stops ]
20:44
[ Chattering ]
20:45
[ Growling ] - [ Screams ]
20:46
Oh, shit!
20:48
I got to hand it to you, Steve.
20:50
You overcame your bully in your own way.
20:53
It's not my way, but I respect it.
20:55
Thanks, Dad.
20:56
Give It to me. Beautiful.
20:58
You're making me nauseous, and I love it!
21:00
[ Shutter Clicks ] - This is really nice work.
21:03
You're hired. Your first assignment—
21:05
a brutal triple rape right off the freeway.
21:08
[ Gasps ] Oh, thank you, Captain "Car-hoonch."
21:11
It's Crunch.
21:13
And you're welcome.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
