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I never don't want to have Kindergarten Cop.
S06E18 Great Space Roaster
00:48 – 00:50
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Just Know this.
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[ Roger Groans ] - [ Gasps ]
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:37
Oh, my God! We've been robbed!
00:39
Come on out, you thieving bastards! - Dad!
00:41
Hayley, you were elected family gun shield at the last family meeting.
00:45
You're also in charge of the Netflix queue.
00:47
Just Know this.
00:48
I never don't want to have Kindergarten Cop.
00:50
[ Roger Groans ] - [ Gasps ]
00:52
Roger, did you see who did this? - Yeah. I did this.
00:55
I was looking for clues to where you're throwing my birthday party.
00:58
Found nothing, so I took a nap.
00:59
Roger, we wanted it to be a surprise.
01:02
We're throwing you a bowling party.
01:04
Oh, a bowling party. How original.
01:07
Apparently, I'm a 13-year-old Latino kid.
01:09
Well, what do you want to do?
01:11
something good! I mean, you rented out the amphitheater for Steve's birthday.
01:15
We went to a 4 Non Blondes concert.
01:17
It's not our fault we were the only ones there.
01:19
You took Hayley skydiving. stan got four pairs of jeans.
01:23
I guess you had to come out of-— or regularly visit— Francine's clown hole...
01:26
to matter around this place.
01:28
It is a happening spot.
01:30
I want to do something special.
01:32
i'm turning 1,601. It's when I hit puberty.
01:34
Warning. I'm gonna get a lot more sexually aggressive.
01:37
You have any suggestions? - Uh, yeah.
01:39
Everyone should avoid wearing loose-fitting shorts around me.
01:41
I'll get in there! Heh!
01:43
But seriously, I want to do what the greats do when they get celebrated.
01:47
I want a roast. - Roger, do you even know what a roast is?
01:50
Of course I do. I was a member of the Friars Club in the 60s.
01:53
I drove Phyllis Diller to two of her first three abortions.
01:56
she must have such regret, never getting her driver's license.
01:59
I guess we can do that.
02:01
We'll dress up nice, throw a few good-natured barbs your way.
02:04
Good-natured? Oh, no.
02:06
Don't you dare go light on me.
02:08
The best roasts are brutal and hilarious. - Oh, I think it'll be fun.
02:11
You can't participate, Klaus. I hate you.
02:14
I say that not out of anger, but simply as a fact.
02:16
It's 67 degrees outside, and I hate you.
02:18
Well, if that's what you really want, then of course we'll do it.
02:21
Make it so, Fran-cisco.
02:24
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have my bowling league tonight.
02:29
[ Latino Accent ] I'm a-roll a turkey tonight, ese.
02:37
Settle down, everyone. Who threw that?
02:39
[ Man ] Your mother's ass! - [ Snaps Fingers ]
02:43
Due to recent financial hardships...
02:45
the C.I.A. has been forced to take on a corporate sponsor.
02:49
That sponsor is Jones Enterprises...
02:51
makers of the Chia Pet.
02:53
So from now on, we'll be known as...
02:55
the Central Human Intelligence Agency.
02:58
[ Whirring, Beeping ]
03:00
Frank. - Just let him go.
03:03
The Chia Pet people are sending a C.I.A. family into space for one year...
03:08
to see if Chia seeds grow up there.
03:11
The dream of an Afro on the moon is within our grasp, people.
03:16
[ Man ] Looks like your wife's bald!
03:18
Kruger, you just got yourself a month in Kabul!
03:20
Now-— [ Clears Throat ] the agent chosen for this mission...
03:23
was not only the most qualified.
03:25
He also sold the most magazine subscriptions.
03:28
Congratulations, Sanders! - [ Scattered Applause ]
03:32
Can't you even smile?
03:34
I don't have any friends in space.
03:35
You're friends with your sister!
03:40
Good evening, and welcome to the Smith family roast of Roger Smith.
03:44
Say mean things, Stan! Talk about how he's gray!
03:47
You ready, Roger?
03:49
Roger is truly one of the most interesting people I know.
03:52
He's also a pathetic drug addict.
03:54
[ Chuckling ] - Ho, ho!
03:56
I'm gonna read a list of different drugs.
03:58
And, Roger, if you hear one you're not on right now, raise your hand.
04:01
Cocaine. Heroin.
04:03
Ecstasy. Crack.
04:05
OxyContin. Meth.
04:07
Steroids. Cooked-down Afrin.
04:09
Euphoria, the fake drug from 90210.
04:11
[ Laughing ]
04:13
Okay. Next, I'd like to introduce a woman who is in a rare group for Roger—
04:17
one who hasn't penetrated him with a strap-on. - Ho-ho!
04:21
Let's hear it for Francine Smith.
04:24
[ Chuckling ] Thank you, Stan.
04:27
Roger, you're the most disgusting...
04:29
out-of-shape piece of shit I've ever met in my life.
04:33
And I know Sammy Hagar.
04:35
[ All Guffawing ]
04:39
A few years ago, we thought it would be a good idea...
04:42
to get Roger a checking account to teach him responsibility.
04:45
Here's what old Rog did.
04:47
Here's check 001, the only check Roger ever wrote. - [ Stan Laughs ]
04:51
Please note that in the date line, he's written "Today comma 1783."
04:56
It's made out for the amount of $72 million, and it's payable to "Drugs."
05:01
In the memo line, it says "For Drugs, yo."
05:04
And it's signed "John Travolta."
05:06
[ Howling, Laughing ]
05:12
Anyway, this was the only check he ever wrote.
05:13
The rest of the checks have holes in them...
05:15
because Roger got drunk and raped them.
05:18
[ Others Laughing ]
05:22
Roger's June 4 diary entry.
05:24
It says "Million-dollar ideas."
05:26
And under it, it reads, "Diarrhea equals Rhea Perlman." - [ Stan, Laughing ] No!
05:30
The rest of the pages have holes in them because he raped them.
05:33
[ Others Laughing ]
05:35
[ Chuckling ]
05:38
All right, it's time to hear from the man of the hour.
05:40
Roger, you drunk, lazy cocksucker.
05:42
Get the waiter's dick out of your mouth and get up here.
05:47
[ Applause Continues ]
05:50
[ Stops ]
05:52
Why? Why would you do this?
05:55
What— What did I ever do to any of you...
05:57
to make you say those incredibly hurtful things?
06:01
Are you serious?
06:02
Does it look like I'm not serious?
06:04
Roger, this is what you asked for.
06:06
You stay away from me, Francine. All of you stay away from me.
06:09
This has been the worst night of my entire life!
06:12
[ Sobbing ]
06:21
Morning. - Roger, where have you been?
06:23
We haven't seen you in days.
06:25
Getting my life together. That's where.
06:27
Those comments you made the other night resonated in me...
06:30
and I decided it was time for a change.
06:32
We didn't say those things so you'd change. We were just poking fun.
06:35
Well, the person you described in graphic detail and in decent joke form...
06:39
is not someone I want to be.
06:41
I got a job at a bank...
06:42
which should address the monetary problems Hayley pointed out.
06:45
And I'm also three days' sober.
06:47
Stan, thank you for that very loud wake-up call.
06:49
Who's that positive girl with you?
06:51
This is Ally, my life coach. She also works at Jumbo Juice.
06:55
she gave me a fiber boost. Then she gave me a life boost.
06:57
[ Shrieking Laugh ]
07:01
[ Exclaims ] - She has weird energy, doesn't she?
07:04
she also made me a goal list.
07:06
This is the first piece of paper I haven't sexually assaulted in years.
07:09
So you're not mad at us anymore?
07:12
God, no. You saved my life.
07:14
Okay. Because you were madder than we've ever seen you.
07:17
And you do have a history of holding grudges. - What? No, I don't.
07:21
You wrote death threats to Merlin Olsen...
07:23
for seven years after Father Murphy was canceled.
07:25
He was just the star, Roger.
07:27
That was the old me. I'm done with all that.
07:29
By the way, Merlin had a producer credit the second season.
07:31
He could have done something.
07:37
I'm off for a little night run at the Howard University track.
07:40
Sit down and have dinner first. - Thank you, no.
07:42
I'm going for a run, and I have to leave here right now, immediately.
07:46
[ Klaus ] Guys, get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason.
07:50
'70S f Funk ] - Nice.
07:53
[ All Coughing, Gasping ] - Is everyone okay?
07:56
Did we lose the porn?
07:58
There must have been a gas leak.
08:00
We could've all been killed.
08:02
You know, Roger sure did leave in a hurry.
08:04
You— You don't think Roger had something to do with the explosion?
08:09
Because of the roast? Guys, you heard him.
08:10
We inspired him to better himself.
08:12
Still, to be safe, we should follow him...
08:14
you know, just to see if he's doing all the things he says he is.
08:22
And 300. Have a good one.
08:26
Hey, Liz, I'm thinking about going to Nordstrom's at lunch.
08:29
You want to grab a sandwich and walk around Nordstrom's at lunch, Elizabeth?
08:38
[ Panting ]
08:48
You know, the other day, I took a walk down to George C. Scott Park...
08:51
right when the sun was going down.
08:53
You know how that time is like.
08:55
sun's throwing shadows and all.
08:57
It got me thinking about when I was a young man sitting in that park...
09:00
you know, watching the girls, smoking a little herb, drinking a cold beer.
09:04
And I had this moment when I wanted to feel that way again.
09:09
But I didn't get high.
09:11
Instead, I went home and watched the Wire.
09:13
That's where this speech is from.
09:15
Thanks for letting me share.
09:22
[ Family Laughing ]
09:24
You guys thought I tried to kill you? Hilarious!
09:27
[ All Laughing ]
09:29
It's— It's so therapeutic to laugh.
09:32
Hey, does anyone have the exact time?
09:34
8:04. - Thank you, my love.
09:36
Ow, ow.
09:38
My running regimen is killing my lower back.
09:40
I got to lie down.
09:41
[ Machine Gun Fire ] - [ Francine Gasps ]
09:44
You guys can get up now! It's definitely over!
09:50
You were right. someone is trying to kill us.
09:52
Let's get out of here! Get in the car. Let's go.
09:56
[ Tires Screeching ]
09:58
I think we're safe.
10:00
Quick thinking back there, Roger. Roger?
10:03
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
10:04
Roger might be trying to kill us.
10:06
And we have no brakes.
10:09
[ Pedestrians Screaming ] - [ Horns Honking ]
10:16
[ Air Hissing ]
10:20
Wow! This is a really safe car. - Of course it is, Son.
10:24
The new Chevy Tumbler has driver- and passenger-side air bags...
10:27
as well as head curtain-side impact air bags.
10:29
Plus an all-new third row of seats...
10:31
and Onstar with a one-year Safe & Sound Plan.
10:34
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Woman ] This is Onstar. is everything okay, Mr. Smith?
10:36
Everything's fine, Elaine. Thank you.
10:38
Who the fuck is Elaine, Stan?
10:41
[ Singing Along To Stereo ] ~ I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes
10:45
I saw the sign- ♪ You're alive!
10:49
So you are pissed about the roast. - You're damn right I am!
10:52
[ Stops ] - You guys all got up and insulted me...
10:54
in the meanest way possible.
10:55
And you were all laughing. - Yeah, that's a roast.
10:58
Roger. - It's too late!
11:00
A switch went off inside me that night.
11:03
And now all I think about is killing you guys.
11:05
That's been my real goal all along.
11:08
My first few attempts failed.
11:10
So I'm changing my approach— gonna get more creative.
11:13
Nothing set in stone, although I'm pretty sure these scorpions are going in Steve's butt.
11:16
They're rare butt-hole eating scorpions, and they cost me 2,000 bucks each.
11:20
But then I'm not very good with money, am I, Hayley?
11:23
Roger, you need to stop this now!
11:25
I'm never gonna stop.
11:27
[ Both Grunting, Groaning ]
11:31
[ Gasps ]
11:34
Nice shot, Steve.
11:35
Every shot's a nice shot with a McGregor tranq gun.
11:39
[ Scottish Accent ] McGregor- it's Scottish for "bull's-eye."
11:42
What are we gonna do now?
11:44
Well, Roger's clearly committed to killing us all.
11:47
So I'm gonna put him somewhere he can't hurt us.
11:55
[ Stan ] /] The Bang Kwang maximum security prison.
11:58
No man's ever gotten out alive.
12:17
I feel bad for Roger. - Don't.
12:20
It was either him or us, and I picked us. - [ TV" Program Theme ] /]
12:23
Oh, my God! Breaking news from Asia. - Oh, no.
12:26
An inmate has escaped from the Bang Kwang prison in Thailand
12:29
The prisoner killed two dozen guards...
12:31
then built a boat out of their corpses to get away.
12:33
[ Phone Beeping ] -[ All Yelp ]
12:35
[ Roger] You guys watching the news?
12:37
How— How did you know? - Because I'm right behind you.
12:40
[ Gasps ] - Just kidding.
12:42
I'm at the indianapolis airport On a layover...
12:44
watching a Hoosiers game at a bar.
12:45
Comin' to kill ya!
12:47
We gotta get the hell outta here. - Where are we gonna go?
12:50
[ Phone Beeps ] - [ Klaus On Recording ] Hi You've reached the Smiths.
12:53
Leave a message. - [ Phone Beeps ]
12:55
Just so you know, there's nowhere on earth you guys can go where I cant find you.
12:59
Nowhere! - [ Line Beeps ]
13:03
Can I get another iced tea? Anyone watching this game? It's a blowout.
13:06
You are? Why? It's a blowout
13:08
You know what forget the iced tea. I'm gonna head to my gate.
13:10
[[ Footsteps ]
13:14
[Woman On PA. ] /] Flight 32 to Phoenix is now boarding at Gate 7.
13:17
[[ Footsteps ]
13:22
[ Roger] Hi Do you have this week's People?
13:24
People magazine? This week's?
13:30
Sir, wait!
13:32
Well, according to this paper...
13:34
smith has sold 10 more magazine subscriptions than Sanders.
13:38
What? - I guess I have no choice but to let the Smith family...
13:41
take the Sanders's place on the space station for the next year.
13:49
We'll be safe in space. That we know.
14:05
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
14:07
Oh, no! Oh, no!
14:08
[ Moans ] Oh, yes.
14:23
[ Air Lock Doors Open ]
14:28
[ Bell Chimes ]
14:31
[ Monitor: Rhythmic Beeping ]
14:39
[ Yawns ]
14:41
You think Roger's still looking for us?
14:43
All I know is we don't have to worry about it for the next year.
14:46
stan, can you please just put a jumpsuit on like the rest of us?
14:49
No can do. Earth Stan is boxers.
14:51
Space Stan is panties. Steve, don't steal glances.
14:55
If you want to check out my meatballs in this thing, go right ahead. I'm your dad.
14:58
Day Three.
15:00
Chia Pet 122271: three and five-eighths growth.
15:05
Fascinating.
15:07
Permission to apply Chia Pet Specimen 010874 with alpha paste.
15:12
Paste application approved.
15:14
Steady. Well done.
15:17
Prepare olfactory system for flatulence. - Flatulence denied.
15:20
[ Farts ] - Flatulence has been sent.
15:23
Steve, Klaus went to get more Chia seeds an hour ago.
15:26
Go find him. - Aye, aye, Captain.
15:28
This isn't a boat. - It is a ship.
15:30
Get out.
15:35
Klaus?
15:36
Klaus, where are you?
15:39
[ Muffled Shouting ]
15:44
Help! - Klaus?
15:48
Klaus, it's stuck! - Get away!
15:50
It's a trap! He's here!
15:54
Steve! Behind you!
15:56
[ Growls ]
16:00
[ Power Shuts Down ] - [ Alarm Beeping ]
16:02
stan, what's happening?
16:04
Not much. What's happening with you?
16:06
[ Europop ] - What is that?
16:09
Is that Ace of Base? Roger!
16:11
[ Gasps ] He's here. He's gonna kill us all.
16:14
Steve's still out there.
16:16
We have to find him and get off this space station.
16:19
Let's split up. Whoever finds him, radio the others...
16:21
and we'll meet up at the escape pod.
16:23
[ Woman ] ♪ Youre not the one for me,'
16:27
♪ [ Chorus Vocalizing ]
16:29
Is enough enough?
16:31
[ Roger ] ~ I saw the sign ♪
16:33
And it opened up my eyes
16:35
I saw the sign
16:37
[ Band Continues ]
16:48
[ Headset: Francine Screaming ]
16:49
Stan, Roger's gonna get us!
16:52
Where are you? - Were in the Kitchen!
16:53
I'm running as fast as I can!
16:56
[ Francine, Hayley Screaming ] - [ Hissing ]
16:59
[ Chimes ]
17:01
[ Continues ] - It's gonna be okay, Francine.
17:03
I made it to the escape pod.
17:05
I'm safe. - What?
17:08
Stan, hurry! We're almost on the ground!
17:10
[ Francine. Hayley Screaming ]
17:12
Of, Goal Oh, God! Oh, God! - [ Radio Switches Off ]
17:15
Well, I did all I could.
17:18
[ Exclaims ] Fresh panties for the ride home!
17:23
I saw the sign!
17:25
And it opened up my eyes,'
17:27
I saw the sign!
17:29
[ Roger ] Ow!
17:32
[ Growls ]
17:33
[ Continues, Muffled ]
17:36
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
17:53
Welcome! And thank you for coming.
17:55
Are you gonna kill us now? - That'd be too easy.
17:58
No. You have to feel the same pain I felt that night.
18:02
So you're gonna roast us? - No.
18:04
You're going to roast each other.
18:07
And your zingers better be mean.
18:08
If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a Zotz.
18:12
[ Electricity Crackles ] - [I Yelps ]
18:12
Now, Stan, roast Hayley.
18:16
[I Yelps ] - You feel that zotz?
18:18
Hayley, you're not very smart, and you smoke a lot of pot.
18:22
Zotz! - [ Yelps ] Okay.
18:24
Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button...
18:26
and you were aging backwards and your life was almost over.
18:28
Uh-huh! Oh, yeah! - [ Klaus Laughing ]
18:31
Insults in the form of jokes.
18:32
How's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Okay, now do Steve.
18:36
Steve, you will never get laid.
18:39
There's nothing attractive about you.
18:40
You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
18:43
Oh-ho-ho.
18:45
Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice.
18:48
Okay, Steve. Let's see you give it to your mama.
18:52
Mom, you are not smart.
18:54
I don't tell "Yo mama's so dumb" jokes.
18:56
I tell "My mama's so dumb' jokes. Example.
18:59
My mama's so dumb, I don't tell "Yo mama's so dumb" jokes.
19:03
I tell "My mama's so dumb' jokes.
19:05
I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
19:09
Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven...
19:14
the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn...
19:17
and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh.
19:20
What I'm trying to say is you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.
19:33
[ Chuckling, Laughing ]
19:36
[ All Laughing ]
19:40
Why are you laughing? That wasn't funny.
19:43
That's like the meanest thing anyone's ever said to anyone.
19:45
What the hell's going on here? Where's the hurt feelings?
19:48
Roger, we can say these things to each other because we're family.
19:51
It doesn't hurt my feelings, because I still Know they love me.
19:54
Well, your roast hurt my feelings.
19:56
Wait a minute.
19:58
You don't consider yourself part of this family, do you?
20:01
No. 'Cause I'm not. - Are you kidding me?
20:04
We tried to throw you a bowling party. We did the roast you wanted.
20:07
If after all this time, you still don't feel part of this family, it's your hang-up.
20:11
Roger, we love you. You're a Smith.
20:14
If you can't accept that, go fuck yourself.
20:16
[ Cries ] Oh, my God.
20:20
I am a part of this family.
20:22
You do love me. I feel it now.
20:26
i'm— I'm letting it wash over me.
20:30
Look at me. I'm crying like Francine when she watches Grey's Anatomy.
20:34
I just feel so sorry for those poor actors.
20:38
[ All Laughing ] - Hey, Roger.
20:40
Go take some Euphoria and rape the data journal.
20:46
I've been eyeing it. I'm not gonna lie.
20:52
[ Sighs ] Fun birthday.
20:54
[ Gagging ]
20:57
Hey! Never thought I'd see you dirty bastards again.
21:01
Ah I feel great, cleaned out.
21:03
All right, who wants 'em next? No one?
21:07
Okay, you heard them. Round two, boys.
21:09
And make sure this time that you really— [ Groans ]
21:12
Oh. Oh, you know what you're doing.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
