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I wanna touch butts with you
S07E01 100 A.D.
00:53 – 00:57
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Ugh! Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
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I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
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00:02
[ Man ] Tonight, in honor of the hundredth episode of American Dad...
00:06
tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death—
00:09
[ Thunderclap ] - 100 times.
00:12
[ Bell Dings ] - That's right
00:13
One hundred of the characters you've come to know and love will die.
00:17
[ Thunderclap ] - [ Cackling ]
00:20
[ Coughing ]
00:23
For Pete's sakes, these things are gonna kill me.
00:26
[ Ratcheting ]
00:27
But not tonight.
00:29
No, tonight we're gonna find out who shot Mr. Burns.
00:33
What? Fifteen years ago?
00:36
Who was it?
00:37
Really? The baby?
00:39
[ Sighs ] I want a baby.
00:42
[ Applause, Whooping ]
00:46
[I Acoustic Guitar Strumming ] - [ Jeff] ♪ Oh, babe, it's true
00:50
Ugh! Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
00:53
I wanna touch butts with you
00:57
I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
01:00
Stan, wait!
01:01
Wanna watch. - [ Hammer Cocks ]
01:04
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Hayley ] Stop it, you guys!
01:06
Look. I told Jeff I'm not ready to date anyone right now...
01:09
so you don't have to worry about him. - Good!
01:11
Look at him. He still rocks a goatee.
01:14
Poser-ass bitch.
01:15
Look, he's a sweet guy. He's just a little lost right now.
01:19
Hayley, you don't know what you're talking about. You have terrible judgment.
01:22
The one time we let you order pizza...
01:23
you ordered no sauce, extra olives.
01:25
I was so astounded I took a picture of it.
01:27
[ Beeps ] - Well, that's not it.
01:29
That's a picture of when I met Loni Anderson at the airport.
01:33
[ Sizzling ]
01:36
[Man On TV] Next on HBO...
01:37
Tracey Ullman performs her ethnic favorites.
01:40
[ Both Groans ] - Change the channel. Hurry!
01:43
Where's the remote?
01:44
[ Woman ] Sixteen doughnut. Por favor.
01:46
Change it! - [ Grunts ]
01:48
I can't find it!
01:50
i'm so sleepy.
01:52
[ Grunting ]
01:54
It's okay. It can't hurt us now.
01:57
Hey, Roger— A missing remote!
01:59
Sounds like another case for—
02:01
[ Together ] Wheels and the Legman.
02:03
[ Steve, Roger Scatting Theme Music ]
02:08
[I Continues ]
02:10
[ Klaus ] Enough! - What the hell's your problem?
02:13
Every Wheels and the Legman is the same.
02:15
You pick some boring case, you bicker, then you solve it.
02:19
The solution usually being that Roger is the culprit.
02:21
It's true. I've got the remote right here.
02:23
[ Grunts ]
02:26
Cheek to cheek
02:28
And hole to hole to hole
02:34
There's a third hole
02:37
[ Shouts ]
02:39
Go on, Jeff. Shoo. Shoo. Scat!
02:42
Jeff, you're not good enough for our daughter.
02:44
You have no job, no home and no future.
02:46
Plus, you're always wiping your face. - No, I'm not.
02:49
Aaah! - [ Both Laughing ]
02:54
[ Sobbing ] - [ Bell Dinging ]
02:57
éHelado?
02:58
Why nobody buy my helado?
03:01
[ Both Sobbing ]
03:07
So guess who got put on chauffeur duty again.
03:10
I did not join the C.I.A. for this.
03:13
Anyway, Mama, I'm not gonna make it home for Randy's birthday.
03:16
Just kick him in his fat ass for me 29 times.
03:18
[ Beeping ]
03:20
Yes, sir?
03:21
Reginald, this isn't the way I usually drive to work.
03:24
Look, you may got me driving you, but I'm gonna take my route.
03:26
Does your route include the attitude store...
03:30
where we could stop and get you a new attitude?
03:36
[ Jeff Sobbing ]
03:38
Now what is this mess?
03:44
Whoa. You got a limo. Are you rich?
03:48
Yeah, Jeff, I'm rich. I'm a millionaire.
03:51
That's why I wear this stupid hat and drive this long bitch.
03:53
Hayley won't talk to me. I've tried everything.
03:56
Look, man, Hayley broke my heart too...
03:58
but the girl told us both she needs some space.
04:01
You should do what I'm doing. Start casually dating other women.
04:04
I'm seeing a fine bitch right now.
04:05
Works at Chick-fil-a down by the airport.
04:07
Got grease burns all over her arms.
04:09
Am I gonna marry her? Hell, no.
04:11
[ High-pitched Voice ] But she don't need to know that.
04:13
Um, all right.
04:14
I guess I could give Hayley her space.
04:17
My man! Now go take a shower.
04:19
You smell like cheap weed and applesauce.
04:21
Cheap weed and applesauce.
04:24
Okay, how about this for a case?
04:26
Wheels's ex comes to town looking for whoever poisoned her racehorse.
04:30
Mmm, yeah.
04:32
Hey! What if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father...
04:36
who also used to be a detective?
04:37
So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds?
04:40
Okay. Tickle monster.
04:42
I know, Dad.
04:43
I have to deal with this every day at the agency.
04:46
Your ghost father is not here!
04:47
Oh, no? Then who's—
04:49
[ Deeper Voice ] possessing me?
04:53
Stop it. Stop it, Wheels.
04:55
Stop it! Wheels— Stop it, Wheels's father!
04:58
[ Gasps ]
05:04
Hayley. - Jeff, what are you doing here?
05:06
Look— - Hey!
05:08
Who solved my theorem?
05:10
Which one of you is the genius? You there!
05:16
Jeff, I thought I told you— - I know you don't want to see me...
05:19
but I need to tell you something.
05:21
And then, if you want, I'll leave you alone forever.
05:28
Thank God we got rid of Jeff and that old hippie.
05:31
The stench of pot and body odor was beginning to reach McConaugheyvian proportions.
05:35
What's this note from Hayley?
05:37
[ Hayley's Voice ] Dear Mom and Dad.
05:38
I realized I'm still in love with Jeff Fischer.
05:41
I know you hate his guts...
05:43
Which is why we've decided to elope.
05:46
[ Growls, Shouts ]
06:01
[ Sound Speeded Up, Backwards ]
06:16
[ Groans ]
06:17
Did I— Did I turn back time?
06:19
No. You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.
06:22
I'm-i'm pretty sure I turned back time.
06:25
You must be Francine's grandmother.
06:28
One day your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.
06:34
[ Thud ]
06:40
I can't believe Hayley ran off with that idiot.
06:43
Their kids are gonna be half loser.
06:44
I'll hate my grandchildren. And I'm gonna tell 'em.
06:47
I'm gonna look them straight in the eye and say, "Pop-Pop hates you."
06:50
Says here they're getting married tonight at sunset.
06:53
We'll never be able to stop them.
06:55
We have no idea where they went.
06:56
Oh, we have no idea?
06:58
Just like we want to have a weekend in Santa Fe?
07:01
You. You have no idea.
07:05
You want to go to Santa Fe.
07:09
I had tracking chips implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born.
07:13
Hayley's heading north.
07:15
she's only 40 minutes away.
07:16
Let's go. Which way is north?
07:18
That way. - [ Grunts ] It's a dead end.
07:21
[ Hayley Whooping ] - [ Jeff ] We're gettin' married!
07:24
I'm so glad you said yes.
07:26
When you proposed, it's like my heart started up again.
07:29
I feel so close to you, you know?
07:31
Like we're brother and sister.
07:33
Like you're my mom, but with benefits.
07:35
This is so exciting.
07:37
We're starting our lives together. So what's our plan?
07:41
Oh! I got it all figured out.
07:42
As soon as we're married, we're gonna move to rural Mexico...
07:45
and produce a cartoon about crickets that don't like to eat their vegetables.
07:49
Really? That's your plan?
07:51
Yeah. I already wrote the pilot script.
07:56
Will you read it and give me notes?
07:58
I'm especially interested in any areas that come off too pornographic.
08:05
stan, Hayley's dot hasn't moved in the last 20 minutes.
08:09
What could she be doing?
08:10
[ Gasps ] Oh, God. You don't think she's having sex?
08:13
No, if her body temperature rises, the dot turns purple.
08:16
I paid extra for that option.
08:17
I can also explode her breasts at any time.
08:20
[ Sighs ] Good.
08:21
she should be up here to the right.
08:26
[ Beeping ] - They must be in the bathroom.
08:29
[ Gasps ] It turned purple! - What?
08:32
[ Panting ]
08:35
I don't get it. Where's Hayley?
08:37
She must have ripped out her tracking device and fed it to one of these dogs.
08:40
Which one?
08:42
[I Yelps ] - That one.
08:44
Well, I was able to reattach his legs. I think he's gonna make it.
08:48
Oh, thank God. - [ Bell Dings ]
08:53
[ Engine Starts ] - Stan, my credit card is missing.
08:56
[ Gasps ] Hayley must've taken it.
08:59
Where did this scarf come from?
09:01
[ Gasps ] - [ Coins Jingle ]
09:02
Oh. That was the liner of my purse.
09:08
Okay, thanks.
09:10
The last charge was 10 minutes ago...
09:12
at the Nut N' Jerky House at the base of the Chimdale Mountains.
09:15
That mountain range is enormous.
09:17
We'll never find them in time to stop the wedding.
09:19
We scrimped and sacrificed to save $50,000...
09:22
to give that girl a beautiful wedding...
09:25
and now that money's just— - [ Snaps Fingers ]
09:27
gone. - No, Francine, we still have the money.
09:29
We didn't have the wedding. - No, but, Stan, she's—
09:36
We good, champ? You work that out?
09:38
'Cause I have an idea how we can use that money.
09:43
We have breaking news to report.
09:45
We go now to local man Stan Smith, live via satellite phone.
09:49
[ Stan ] Hello? - Yes, Stan. Go ahead.
09:51
Four hours ago, my daughter, Hayley Smith...
09:54
eloped with notorious slacker Jeff Fischer.
09:56
i'm offering $50,000 to anyone who can stop the wedding.
10:01
Theyre getting married somewhere in the Chimdale Mountains.
10:04
Again, that reward is 50 grand
10:06
[ Man On Radio ] /...to anyone who can stop the wedding...
10:08
of Hayley Smith and Jeff Fischer.
10:11
Oh, hell, no!
10:12
That slippery-ass hippie.
10:14
I gotta stop this.
10:16
I gotta show Hayley I'm still in the game. [ Grunts ]
10:19
I'm gonna call my man at Jewelry Galleria. - [ Phone Beeps ]
10:21
Yo, Doug, I need a diamond.
10:23
Doesn't have to be big, but make it flawless.
10:25
That's friend price? You let me down, Doug.
10:29
I'm gonna call N.Y.C. I'm gonna get my Hebrews on this.
10:35
[ Chattering ] - Let's go get that money, people!
10:37
[ Cheering ]
10:40
Yeah! [ Laughs ]
10:43
[ All Screaming ]
10:45
[ Bell Dings ]
10:49
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Screaming ]
10:56
Here we are. The honeymoon suite.
11:01
Oh, fancy. Chocolate on the pillow.
11:05
Hey, come back, chocolate.
11:08
Look, I'm sorry about the room, babe.
11:10
I just don't have a lot of scratch right now.
11:12
But once we get to Mexico--
11:14
Jeff, I don't want to go to Mexico.
11:16
Okay, that's your plan. We need a plan we can both be excited about.
11:21
A new plan.
11:23
New Mexico!
11:25
I need to take a walk.
11:29
Knock, knock. Hotel manager.
11:31
sorry to intrude, but you got the only working toilet.
11:34
Uh, you might want to turn the TV up pretty loud.
11:37
I ate an artichoke today.
11:39
[ Shouts ]
11:41
[ Tarting ]
11:42
Were you the one who wanted to schedule an A.T.V. ride?
11:46
[ Tarting ]
11:47
... ...A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage.
11:51
The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major...
11:54
and probable roller derby captain...
11:56
While the male is your classic run-of-the-mill stoner.
11:59
Here's an artist's rendering of the couple.
12:02
Zoinks!
12:07
Only a couple of hours until sunset.
12:09
I pray someone finds them before it's too late.
12:12
[ Gasps ] Oh, look. It's Principal Lewis.
12:16
Hi, Principal Lewis.
12:17
[ Grunts ] - [ Screams ] What the hell?
12:20
I'm gettin' to those kids first! I need that money.
12:22
I'm not going back to that school. [ Laughs ]
12:26
[ Tires Squealing ] - Fuck y'all!
12:28
Whoo-hoo-hoo. People are excited.
12:34
[ Tires Squealing ]
12:45
Reginald, are we at the C.I.A. yet?
12:47
Change of plans. I'm goin' after the woman of my dreams—
12:50
Hayley Smith. - Hayley Smith?
12:53
Oh, ho. I had a thing with her one summer.
12:56
What? You and Hayley had a thing?
12:58
[ Laughs ] A thing?
13:00
That's a polite way of saying I tapped her like a pony keg.
13:04
Banged her around so much I lost my deposit.
13:07
sir, I would appreciate it if you could refrain...
13:09
from any sexual reminiscing regarding Hayley...
13:11
whilst we take our little detour.
13:13
Ah, I took a detour on Hayley.
13:16
Got lost in the brush and went down a dirt road.
13:20
[ Snickers ]
13:22
[ Brakes Squeak ] - What's all this now? Why are we stopping?
13:25
You and I are gonna fight in a field.
13:30
[I Vocalizing ]
13:33
What are you doing?
13:35
Capoeira, bitch. That's Brazilian dance fighting.
13:37
I'm trained.
13:39
[ Groans ]
13:42
Oh, I guess we started.
13:45
[ Grunts, Gasps ]
13:46
My gentleman's blouse!
13:48
[ Shouts ]
13:53
Finding Hayley for the reward money—
13:55
Now that's a real case.
13:57
All right, I got everything we need—
13:58
Chocolate milk, Cheese Puffs...
14:00
and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.
14:02
Whoa, whoa, Legs. You sure that's a good idea?
14:05
I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
14:09
see? Everything in moderation.
14:10
Now I'm gonna have five Cheese Puffs, no more.
14:13
[ Tires Squealing ]
14:15
Legs, please! Just-Just pull over.
14:17
Why are you calling me Legs? Is there something wrong with my legs?
14:20
Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?
14:22
What did you do to my legs, you Nazi walrus bastard?
14:26
steve, who is he talking to?
14:28
[ Roger ] Shut up, Garfield. Why do you hate Mondays?
14:31
You don't even work.
14:33
[ Police Radio Chatter ] - Officer, please. I'm an educator.
14:35
I'm a molder of young minds.
14:37
Shoulder jab!
14:40
[ Tires Squealing ] - [ Laughing ]
14:42
Brother's in the front seat this time, motherfucker!
14:48
$50,000.
14:51
I'm gonna miss you, money.
14:53
Not you, briefcase.
14:54
Stan, are we doing the right thing?
14:57
What if Hayley hates us for doing this?
15:00
Hates us? We're saving her from making a huge mistake.
15:03
she'll probably thank us one day—
15:04
like I thanked that woman who talked me out of sleeping with her...
15:07
on that business trip last spring.
15:08
she was right. It would have been a huge mistake.
15:11
I just couldn't see that at the time.
15:13
God, she had the prettiest eyes.
15:16
I should have done it.
15:19
I should have. - [ Cell Phone Rings ]
15:20
Hello? - Hey, Mr. S.
15:22
It's Jeff
15:24
[ Beeps ] - Hey, Jeff!
15:26
I Know you're offering 50 grand to anyone who stops the wedding.
15:30
Uh— - What if I agreed to not marry your daughter?
15:33
Would you give me the money?
15:36
[ Heavy Metal Solo ]
15:42
[ Groans ] I played Stan's satanic best friend in episode 302.
15:47
[ Groans ]
15:50
[ Bell Dings ] - [ Groans ]
15:54
[ Wailing ]
15:56
[ Birds Chirping ]
16:01
[ Tires Screech ]
16:02
Dumping Hayley for the reward money.
16:05
That son-of-a-bitch hippie. - Francine, this is a good thing.
16:08
We'll just give Jeff the 50 grand and be rid of him forever.
16:11
[ Bell Jingles ]
16:18
You piece of shit. - Francine, please.
16:21
You're gonna break my daughter's heart for $50,000?
16:24
Francine! You're too angry right now.
16:27
Go buy some nuts and jerky.
16:28
You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.
16:30
I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky, you piece of shit.
16:37
Whoa! Hundred-dollar bills.
16:39
Hello, President Shakespeare.
16:42
You'll find Hayley at the Chimdale Mountain Inn.
16:45
We were right about you all along.
16:47
i'm sorry, Mr. S.
16:49
Your daughter and I have just been fighting a lot...
16:51
and I''m not sure she's awesome.
16:53
[ Hammer Cocks ] - Just say the word.
16:55
Don't do it, Francine. - All I heard was "do it."
16:58
[ Screaming ] - [ Clicking ]
17:00
Honey, it's not loaded.
17:04
[ Fingers Pop ] - Ow.
17:09
[ Both Grunting, Groaning ]
17:21
[ Panting ] - [ Panting ]
17:24
[ Shouts ] - [ Groans ]
17:27
All right, enough of this!
17:32
[ Grunts ] - [ Both Screaming ]
17:38
Are you ready to apologize?
17:41
I apologize to the maids at the Red Roof Inn...
17:44
who had to clean the curtains...
17:46
after I wiped Hayley's excitement all over them.
17:49
You have a mother, and you just said all that.
17:53
I'm gonna call your mama and tell her what you said.
17:58
[ Chattering ] - [ Lewis ] That money's mine!
18:00
[ Man ] I saw her first. - [ Hayley ] Leave me alone!
18:02
Fireman chop.
18:04
Come here, you valuable shiksa.
18:07
[ Grunts ] - [ Creaking ]
18:09
[ Screams ] - Fumble!
18:11
[ Crowd Shouting ] - Oh!
18:13
[ Both Groan ] - [I Tires Screech ]
18:18
Aaah! Hey!
18:20
[ Engine Starts ] - [ Groans ]
18:23
[ Loud Thud ]
18:27
Spring break! Yeah!
18:30
[ Laughing ] Yeah!
18:32
Stop, all of you! The reward has been claimed.
18:35
[I Snot ] Who claimed it? - The hippie, Jeff Fischer.
18:37
The NFL coach? - Probably.
18:40
[ Exhales ] Wha-— What are you talking about?
18:42
He took the money, Hayley.
18:44
He's no good.
18:46
That's...
18:48
not possible.
18:49
I'm sorry, honey, but it's better you find out now.
18:52
I guess you guys were right.
18:55
I'll get my stuff, and then we can go home.
18:57
[ Sobbing ]
19:00
[ Principal Lewis ] Bitch, what are you crying about?
19:02
I was counting on that money.
19:03
I can't go back to work now.
19:05
I took a deuce on my desk!
19:07
[ Roars ]
19:08
Tuck y'ali.
19:10
[ Crowd Murmuring ]
19:13
[ Sobbing ] - It was quite a ride, Wheels...
19:15
but I think I got us there.
19:17
[ Horn Blows ]
19:18
[ Roger ] Hey, I see Hayley.
19:20
Don't marry Jeff.
19:22
[ Sighs ] Case closed.
19:29
How much packing does she have to do? It's been 45 minutes.
19:32
You saw her face when she found out Jeff bailed on her.
19:35
She's devastated.
19:36
She looked like she wanted to die.
19:38
Wait. You don't think she'd— - [ Bell Dings ]
19:43
Oh, my God! Hayley!
19:45
[ Bell Chimes ]
19:49
Oh, it's okay. It's just the hotel manager.
19:51
"Surprise. Jeff and I were in on it together.
19:55
We stole your money and eloped...
19:57
this time in style.
19:59
By the way, it was my loser husband's idea.
20:01
Yours truly, Mrs. Jeff Fischer."
20:05
That's a weird suicide note.
20:07
No, this is from Hayley. The suicide note's on the back.
20:09
"I'm so sorry for all the horrible things I've done.
20:12
You'll find the severed penises underneath the'—
20:14
I don't care. - That weaselly little sneak.
20:18
What the hell are you smiling at?
20:20
Our daughter's new husband just made 50 grand in half a day.
20:24
Maybe he's not the idiot we thought he was.
20:26
Huh. So maybe Hayley's judgment isn't so bad.
20:30
What do you know?
20:32
Maybe I won't hate my grandchildren after all.
20:34
So what do you want to do now? - [ Screams ]
20:36
[ Screams ] - [ Screams ]
20:37
[ Laughs ]
20:39
[ Laughs ]
20:41
What a day!
20:44
Fifty K! I love you, baby.
20:47
I love you too, babe.
20:49
So, now that we're married, there's something I want you to see.
20:54
[ Backfiring ]
21:06
Totally makes up for my small penis, huh?
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
