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This isn't my menu.
S07E04 Stan's Food Restaurant
11:57 – 11:58
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Wow. Qui-Lo's freakin' fired up.
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Where's the Raisinet carbonara? Where's the ravioli burger?
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
This place seems great, huh, Stan?
00:36
I couldn't disagree with you more.
00:38
Don't like the chairs. Hate the cutlery.
00:40
Food looks boring. The waiter's ugly.
00:42
Let me get you guys some spit bread.
00:45
Stan, you find fault with every restaurant we go to.
00:49
Can't we just once have a nice meal without you criticizing everything?
00:52
I'm not criticizing everything.
00:54
I haven't said a word about how the lighting in here makes you look like John Madden.
00:57
You look jowly here. Eyes look sunken here.
01:00
And, boom, you're working on a second chin.
01:03
Cat whiskers.
01:06
[ Groans ] Why can't we find a single restaurant...
01:08
that's good enough for you?
01:10
What the hell? - Oh, the hell?
01:12
You want the hell, huh? I'll tell you the hell.
01:14
Take the wheel while I look off reflectively.
01:17
I was eight years old, and my dad had just left us.
01:21
I thought I'd never be happy again.
01:24
Come on, Stan.
01:25
Little did I know she was taking me to the happiest place on earth.
01:34
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
01:37
Hey, little guy, I heard your dad walked out on you...
01:40
'cause he didn't love you enough to stay...
01:42
but I Know what'll make you feel better.
01:44
At that moment I was 100% sure I was going to be molested...
01:48
but it was even better.
01:49
Forget about the menu. Tonight you can have whatever you want.
01:52
Can I have a licorice burrito? - Now you're talkin'!
01:55
That was a magical night
01:57
had chocolate-covered hot dogs.
01:59
I had cherry pie pizza.
02:01
I had the third-worst diarrhea of my young Life.
02:04
We closed the place down that night
02:06
it was the best dinner ever
02:08
Come back anytime!
02:11
I'll always be here for ya, Stan!
02:18
So you werent molested?
02:20
No, that wasn't until four or five years later.
02:22
It was my first week at Christian camp.
02:24
But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.
02:27
Boy, he had a set of paws on him.
02:29
What a summer
02:31
Anyway, no restaurant has ever been as good or as fun.
02:34
That's why I'm always so critical.
02:36
I just know I could do it better. - Then why don't you?
02:38
Open up your own restaurant. - I couldn't do that.
02:41
I don't know the first thing about the restaurant business.
02:43
Whoa, whoa. Pull over.
02:45
I think I just saw Roger in a lawn chair.
02:49
Roger, what are you doing?
02:50
Signing you up for an adult literacy class.
02:53
"Nocturnal petting Zoo."
02:56
[ Muttering ] - Get outta here! I warned you, Dugan.
03:00
sorry if I was a little curt with you before.
03:02
These junkies got me on edge.
03:04
What do you know about working with animals?
03:06
Nothing. When I get something in my mind, I always make it happen—
03:09
And I stick to it too.
03:11
No, I don't stick to it. That's not believable, but the first part's true.
03:14
[ Murmuring ] Dugan, there's urine in this bottle!
03:17
Stan, Roger's the perfect guy to talk to...
03:20
about your dream of opening a restaurant.
03:22
He's always doing new things he knows nothing about.
03:26
[ Chattering ]
03:28
Do you know where the office is? - It's right down there.
03:30
You new or something?
03:31
Yeah. I got kicked out of my old school for having too much sex.
03:35
Oh, tingle.
03:36
My name's Ashley. My mom's going out of town next week.
03:39
Why don't you come over? - Yes!
03:41
Oh, wait. I just remembered I promised my best friend, Julia, we'd hang out.
03:46
Unless... you could bring a friend for her.
03:49
Oh! Oh. Oh, yeah. No prob.
03:52
Great! Oh, and just so you know...
03:54
I end up going all the way on the first date every time.
03:57
Is that okay? - With me it is.
04:00
I would not tell anyone else that.
04:01
Every other boy here would be furious.
04:09
Hey, Roger. Uh, what ya doin'?
04:12
sorry, Stan. I'm under the gun on this repair order.
04:15
I didn't think the demand for 17-century ironwork was this brisk.
04:18
When did you learn how to weld?
04:20
This morning. Didn't even read the manual. Just dove right in.
04:23
see, why can't I do that?
04:24
You can. Don't be afraid. Here.
04:31
Turn it off.
04:32
Listen, I'm actually here 'cause I wanna open a restaurant.
04:36
A restaurant? Why?
04:40
Well, when I was eight years old, my dad walked out on us.
04:44
[ Sobbing ] Oh, my God! Your story has moved me.
04:47
You have to open a restaurant just like that.
04:50
I don't know if I can. - I Know you can!
04:53
I'll help you. I'll help you so much.
04:56
All you need is confidence. Hit it!
04:59
[ Piano. Lounge ] ♪ - ♪ Well
05:00
And that's how do to it from Egypt to France a
05:03
Big, bold step called the confi-dance
05:08
Bravo! Bravo!
05:10
Oh, I'm so glad you liked it.
05:12
Let's do this! For you. You were fantastic.
05:15
[ Sniffs ] Oh! These are cheap.
05:20
Restaurants are a tricky business...
05:22
and it doesn't look like you've worked in the industry before.
05:25
Mr. Smith, I'm sorry, but I don't think I can approve this loan.
05:29
But, sir, please!
05:31
Roger, wait. Do some of the confi-dance.
05:35
Okay, listen to me, and everybody lives a lot longer.
05:38
Oh, my God!
05:39
Roger, what are you doing?
05:41
I went outside to feed the meter. It's cold out there.
05:43
Anyway, if you wanna live longer, you have to eat good food...
05:47
not canned and frozen foods, not foods trucked in from out of state.
05:53
Who believes food should be grown locally...
05:55
with no pesticides...
05:56
farm to table, plate to face?
05:58
Because that's the kind of restaurant my friend is opening.
06:01
Who wants to eat at his restaurant?
06:03
[ Chattering ] - Yeah, that sounds absolutely terrific.
06:05
"Plate to face? - Best presentation ever.
06:08
[ Chuckling ] Looks like you're in business.
06:12
Good morning! I'd like to open a checking account!
06:23
Roger, I was up all night building this exact replica...
06:26
of what I think the restaurant should look like.
06:28
Great. It's your vision. I am here to help you realize it.
06:31
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - Yeah.
06:33
Kill the work! I got a long-distance call here.
06:36
[ All ] Larga distancia. Larga distancia.
06:39
Stan, that was the phone call we've been waiting for.
06:41
We got Qui-Lo, the Laotian midget master chef!
06:45
Oh, well, I was kinda thinking we'd keep things simple and fun.
06:49
See? I made up a sample menu.
06:51
Wow. What's— What's a ravioli burger?
06:53
It's a hamburger with all the trimmings slumbering inside a giant ravioli.
06:58
Oh, my God.
06:59
You and I are going to get so fat—
07:02
Average-American fat.
07:04
And Qui-Lo, that hunky little pot-sticker...
07:06
he could cook this stuff in his sleep. - Are you sure?
07:09
Trust me. I know the restaurant business.
07:11
I managed a Hardee's in Myrtle Beach for three years.
07:14
Everyone called it "party Hardee's"...
07:16
'cause of the buttload of drugs I was moving through there.
07:18
I was "sick" the day of the raid.
07:20
Got tipped off by this detective whose daughter I saved from drowning.
07:24
But I-I can't go back there. He won't look the other way again.
07:28
[ Doorbell Rings ]
07:29
So did your girl say my girl was hot and slutty too?
07:32
she didn't say, but hot sluts hang out together.
07:35
Excellent. I'll use the condom first.
07:38
Hey, guys. Come on in.
07:42
You must be Snot. - Yeah. Yeah. So where's Julia?
07:46
she's right here.
07:50
She's a doll.
07:51
Yeah, she's super cute.
07:53
[ Whispering ] Everybody says so.
07:55
What's that Julia? [ Gasps ]
07:57
she says she likes Jews.
07:59
Okay, wait a second. You know that's not a real—
08:01
[ Both Moaning ]
08:04
So Julia seems great.
08:06
Steve, can I talk to you for a second?
08:09
I'm outta here. - Okay, so Ashley's crazy as hell.
08:12
But she's good to go! You have to do this for me.
08:15
How many chocolate bars did I buy so your Hebrew school could go to Mount Vernon?
08:19
[ Sighs ] Eleven.
08:25
Well, I leased the restaurant truck like you wanted.
08:27
Is it Arctic white? - Yeah. It's weird how white it is.
08:30
Weirder than one of those white dog poos.
08:32
Oh, yeah, those are weird.
08:34
You ever seen a dog lay one of those?
08:36
Nope. Just seen 'em on the grass. - Me too.
08:38
Maybe they come out brown...
08:39
and it's some sort of mold or fungus that turns 'em white.
08:42
Like if you cracked one open, it might be brown on the inside?
08:44
Like a powdered chocolate doughnut.
08:46
Mmm! Now you're makin' me hungry.
08:48
How's my dream coming?
08:49
I've been running around so much, I haven't had a chance to see—
08:52
It's still drying. Hey, wanna come with me?
08:54
I'm heading to the organic farm to choose the produce...
08:57
for your Cap'n Crunch vegetable tempura.
08:59
sounds good. I'll fire up the truck.
09:00
Great. I'll follow you on my scooter, if that's okay.
09:06
This is amazing. I can't believe I'm opening my own restaurant.
09:09
You're doin' it, buddy. You're living your dream.
09:11
Not a lot of people can say that.
09:13
Oh, no. Look at this.
09:15
I got strawberry all over my brand-new white Keds.
09:18
Looks like I just bought a $45 pair of knock-around shoes.
09:21
Roger, I really want to thank you for helping me.
09:24
The truth is I— I was always afraid.
09:27
I thought it was better to keep this restaurant idea in my head...
09:29
because if I tried and failed, I wouldn't even have my dream anymore.
09:33
[ Lowing ] - Oh, God! Farmer Ted, what's wrong with the cow?
09:36
Not a thing. she's about to give birth, is all.
09:39
Oh! That's so damn beautiful.
09:42
Promise me you'll call us when she goes into labor, okay?
09:45
We-we wanna be here, day or night. - Uh—
09:49
Here's my home number, my cell, and the women's shelter...
09:51
where I'm either volunteering or dropping off my stupid whore wife.
09:54
Soup is not a meal, Vera!
10:01
[ Stereo, Pop]
10:03
Good shot. Julia's turn!
10:06
Um, Snot, she's never played before.
10:09
Maybe you could teach her?
10:16
Oh, she's doing it! - Beginner's luck.
10:19
[ Both Laughing, Moaning ]
10:23
Yo, Snot-ster. How about you and your lady give us a little privacy?
10:27
[ Groans ] - [ Moaning Continues ]
10:30
Stupid doll.
10:33
Did you hear that?
10:34
There's no blood going to my ears, sweetheart.
10:36
i'd better go check on Julia.
10:39
[ Gasps ]
10:41
[ Screams ] You took advantage of Julia!
10:46
What? Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
10:49
Get out! - What's goin'--
10:51
Both of you, get out!
10:53
No, wait. - She was a virgin.
10:55
What's that, Julia? He didn't use a condom?
10:58
[ Gasps ] You didn't use a condom?
11:02
Are you kidding me?
11:06
Stan, I thought I sent you to Memphis for napkin holders.
11:09
Yeah, I drove all night.
11:10
Why is the "Grand Opening' sign up?
11:12
We're not opening for three weeks. - Oh, I moved it up.
11:14
But I didn't do my final walk-through. I didn't do any walk-through.
11:17
Well, no time like the present. Take a look. Ta-da!
11:20
Ow! Ow! Did I sprain my wrists?
11:23
No, they're fine.
11:24
[ Gasps ] Oh! No, no. No, I didn't.
11:29
[ Gasps ]
11:30
What is this?
11:32
Your dream restaurant— Roger's Laotian Adventure.
11:35
But what about my scale model?
11:37
Stan, it took quite a bit of doing...
11:39
but I managed to wipe my ass with it.
11:41
What? - Look, it's time for some opening-night honesty.
11:43
Your ideas are terrible. I've done you a favor.
11:46
[ Dishes Rattling ] - Qui-Lo, shut up! I'm trying to talk here.
11:49
[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
11:52
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
11:54
Wow. Qui-Lo's freakin' fired up.
11:57
This isn't my menu.
11:58
Where's the Raisinet carbonara? Where's the ravioli burger?
12:01
[ Chuckling ] Where is it?
12:03
It's in your head where it belongs.
12:05
Because it's stupid. It's in your stupid head.
12:08
You son of a bitch!
12:10
You insult my mother?
12:12
If you had half the culinary talent she had in her little finger—
12:15
[ Cell Phone Rings ] - What?
12:17
Oh, my God!
12:20
[ Lowing ]
12:22
[ Together ] Oh! Oh!
12:24
[ Roger, Sobbing ] It's a girl.
12:26
[ Laughing, Crying ]
12:28
She's so beautiful.
12:31
Oh! Look at that.
12:34
Would you look at that?
12:44
[ Sighs ]
12:58
...In my mother's little finger than you have in your entire body...
13:01
you no-talent hack!
13:02
You know what? You're fired!
13:04
You can't fire me from my own restaurant.
13:06
Actually, it's all mine.
13:08
The bank wouldn't lend you 50 cents.
13:10
The restaurant, the truck, the napkin holders—
13:12
They're all mine.
13:14
But, to show you I'm a good guy, I got you this.
13:16
Ta-da! The perfect split.
13:18
You like that? Get off my property.
13:26
I can't believe Roger fired you.
13:28
He told me all my ideas were stupid.
13:31
You can't let him steal your dream.
13:33
It's too late, Francine. It's already done.
13:35
I'm gonna grab some shut-eye.
13:37
[ Voice Cracking ] Maybe dream a new dream.
13:43
Francine, we've been driving for hours.
13:45
Are we at the frozen yogurt place yet?
13:46
Actually, Stan, that was a trick.
13:48
We're in Philadelphia. Take a look.
13:51
Does this bring back any memories?
13:53
Oh, you want me to confront Father Roy about what happened at camp.
13:57
Thing is, I'm not sure it was entirely his fault.
14:00
I may have deserved it.
14:02
In fact, I may have instigated it.
14:04
Actually, Francine, I seduced him.
14:07
I dont know why I wanted him, but I wanted him.
14:09
There was no actual penetra—
14:11
Stan, no!
14:13
This isn't about that.
14:14
This wasn't always a church.
14:16
This used to be Mr. Johnson's restaurant.
14:19
[ Gasps ] - Remember the dinner you had here?
14:21
Remember what it meant to you?
14:23
Don't let Roger steal that dream from you.
14:28
[ Screams ]
14:30
Clearly there's some kind of natural gas leak.
14:32
They really have to stop building here.
14:34
[ Both Scream ]
14:35
[ School Bell Ringing ]
14:38
Ashley, come on. I-It was all a big misunderstanding.
14:41
Really. Well, is it a misunderstanding that Julia's period is late?
14:46
What? - I don't blame Snot, okay?
14:49
Julia told me she was the one who jumped him.
14:52
Great! So you and I can pick up where we left off.
14:54
Oh, I wish, but I really just need to be with Julia right now.
14:58
[ Whispering ] She decided not to keep the baby.
15:01
Oh, wow.
15:02
Well, uh, Snot and I are gonna give you our complete support.
15:05
Aw! I knew you were a sweetie.
15:09
And soon, I'm gonna taste that sweetness.
15:14
Ahh. This cold locker ought to relieve my swelling.
15:20
[ Grunts ] Qui-Lo! Open the damn door.
15:22
[ Qui-Lo Shouting In Foreign Language ] I]
15:24
[ Speaking Foreign Language ]
15:27
[ Stan ] Lover's quarrel?
15:28
What the hell are you doing? I fired you.
15:30
I got a loan from Francine's parents...
15:32
and I'm opening a restaurant next door.
15:34
It's gonna kick your ass!
15:36
Ha! You open a restaurant?
15:38
You couldn't open a French whore's legs with a wheel of cheese.
15:42
Well, I've got some help. He's late, 'cause he has to quit first.
15:46
[ Shouting In Foreign Language ]
15:50
Fine. Quit! You're a bum, Qui-Lo!
15:52
You think you can treat people like this...
15:54
because you've got everything going for you?
15:56
Well, obviously you can, because I'm fine with you...
15:58
and I'll be rooting for you in the bike race this Friday.
16:04
Wow, Francine. This is exactly what I wanted.
16:12
And this is exactly what I was afraid of.
16:14
No one's coming.
16:16
Roger was right. My ideas are stupid.
16:19
[ Squeaks ]
16:20
Stan! - It's a whoopee cushion.
16:22
They're on all the chairs.
16:24
It's funny.
16:26
Something's not right.
16:30
[I Bell Tinkles ] - Stan!
16:37
[ Grunts ]
16:41
[ Grunts ]
16:43
[ Bell Tinkles ]
16:45
[ Together ] Welcome, chum. You got the eats?
16:48
People love to be greeted. We're doing that here.
16:51
Right this way. Work in the area?
16:53
Actually, I sing in the D.C. Opera.
16:56
[ Whoopee Cushion Blats ] - Oh. Excuse me.
16:59
That was a whoopee cushion. - No.
17:01
Here are some chocolate chip meatballs to get you started.
17:07
What the— My knife went right through my plate.
17:10
Oh, the plate is edible. It's a pancake.
17:12
A pancake plate?
17:14
What a wonderful idea!
17:17
[ Operatic Style ] ~ Pancake f
17:18
Plate
17:24
[ Chattering ]
17:25
Now don't let Julia's situation put you off of sex.
17:29
We should take our time and do it safely.
17:31
This bush looks great. - [ Door Opens ]
17:35
Are you okay? Oh, Jules.
17:38
It's behind you now. Everything's gonna be fine.
17:42
What did you actually do in there?
17:44
Nothing. I went in, gave my number to any girl who wasn't crying...
17:47
and came back out.
17:49
So, now that everything's taken care of...
17:51
you and I can get some sex goin'.
17:53
No. Julia's just so emotional right now...
17:57
and I just have to spend all of my time with her.
18:00
We have to get rid of that doll!
18:02
No way. I'm done.
18:04
Mount Vernon, dude.
18:06
[ Groans ] I hated that trip.
18:08
I pooed my pants on the bus ride there.
18:10
That's a long time to pretend you don't smell anything.
18:14
[ Chattering ] - Don't go in there!
18:16
Come eat at my restaurant. - Hey, Roger, you got the eats?
18:19
sorry, Stan. I'm a little busy right now.
18:20
You know, lunch rush.
18:24
Welcome. Do you have a reservation? - Uh—
18:27
No problem. Why don't you have a drink at the bar...
18:29
and we'll see if we can find you a table.
18:32
What can I get ya, Mac?
18:34
Uh, I'm meeting friends at—
18:36
Can I use your crapper?
18:38
Get outta here! There's a bathroom in the park.
18:40
The service here sucks! Have you even seen a waiter?
18:42
What am I doing? This isn't helping me.
18:45
[ Chattering, Laughing ] - [ Whoopee Cushions Blatting ]
18:47
Macaroni and SweeTARTS!
18:49
[ Together ] Macaroni and SweeTARTS!
18:53
[ Cockney Accent ] Aaah! Good God!
18:55
There's a cockroach in my salad.
18:57
[ Gasps ] - What?
18:58
I'm terribly sorry. Wait a second.
19:00
This is a food restaurant. We don't serve salad.
19:02
Well, it came from your kitchen.
19:04
Roger! Don't-Don't worry, everybody. It's fine.
19:07
Don't eat here. There's a clean restaurant next door.
19:10
If that's really from our kitchen, then you can eat the plate.
19:17
[ Ceramic Cracks ] - [ Grinding ]
19:24
[ Gulps ] Delicious. [ Groans ]
19:26
Tito, I need you to fix the vibe. You know what to do.
19:28
[ Cuban Beat ]
19:32
[ Women Oohing, Giggling ]
19:35
[ Doorbell Rings ]
19:37
Hey, Ashley. I just came by to check on Julia.
19:39
That's so nice of you.
19:43
[ Screams ]
19:44
[ Sobbing ] Julia, no!
19:48
Oh, look. It's her suicide note.
19:50
"Dear Ashley. I'm in a better place.
19:53
Have sex with Steve."
19:55
Mmm In loving memoriam to your best friend's dying wish.
20:00
Wait a minute.
20:01
This— This is not her handwriting.
20:05
She was murdered!
20:07
We cannot fool around while her killer is still on the loose.
20:11
Aaah! That's it. I'm outta here.
20:13
Snot, it didn't work!
20:18
You're a real weirdo, you know that?
20:21
[ Keys Jingling ]
20:23
Well, my restaurant's going under, Stan.
20:27
You win. I acted like an ass. I'm sorry.
20:30
You know, I'm not even mad.
20:32
In fact, I should be thanking you.
20:34
If you hadn't been such a controlling jerk...
20:36
I wouldn't have been mad enough to try it on my own.
20:38
Did you recapture any of those feelings...
20:40
from when you were a kid in Mr. Johnson's restaurant? - You know, I did.
20:43
It really felt good feeding the people and making them smile.
20:47
So, yeah, it was pretty much the same.
20:48
What do you say we make it exactly the same? - How do you mean?
20:51
What do you say we make it exactly the same? - How do you mean?
20:52
What the hell?
20:54
I was in over my head financially. - But why my place?
20:57
No one will suspect a successful restaurateur of arson, Stan...
21:01
and it's spreading to mine... right now.
21:04
Oh, yeah! - I'm gonna kill you!
21:06
[ Hammer Cocks ] - Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it easy.
21:08
You just— You just need to calm down, okay?
21:11
Yeah, okay. - Just relax.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
