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I was a stand-up comic.
S07E05 White Rice
08:55 – 08:56
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Oh, my God, that's right. - [ Applause ]
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Well my adoptive parents are Chinese...
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:34
[ Door Slams ]
00:35
Damn it, Stan! I want to talk about this.
00:38
Terry, quick! stan and Francine are fighting.
00:40
Ooh! You think it'll get violent?
00:41
I'll open a good wine.
00:43
We'll talk about it later. - You always say that.
00:46
And when I bring it up later, you just push it off.
00:49
I do push it.
00:50
I push it real good.
00:51
[ Humming: "Push It" ]
00:55
Ah, push it
00:57
Push it real good
00:59
Coming this way. Act casual.
01:02
Never wants to talk.
01:04
[ Zipper Unzips ] - Having a cigarette.
01:06
I don't care what the pack says.
01:10
Francine, you okay?
01:11
My father turned 68 today.
01:13
He's not getting any younger.
01:15
I tried to talk to Stan about moving my parents to town...
01:18
but he refuses to even discuss It.
01:20
Oh, that must be tough— you two having the same argument every year.
01:23
What? No, we don't.
01:25
This is the first time I've ever brought it up.
01:29
Francine, I want you to come home right now.
01:31
I'm not going anywhere with you.
01:34
Oh, this is a private discussion.
01:35
We'll leave you two alone.
01:44
I'm sorry, okay?
01:47
You're just saying you're sorry...
01:48
because you want this conversation to be over.
01:50
[ Deep Breath ] You're right.
01:53
You're right. We need some help communicating.
01:55
I think we should see a therapist.
01:57
Really? You would do that for me?
01:59
For us. - Oh, Stan.
02:01
i'll find someone for us to talk to.
02:03
Let's go home.
02:08
Aaah! I saw it.
02:15
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
02:17
Look what I won at the carnival.
02:19
She's beautiful.
02:21
Yeah, the good Lord used every crayon in the box when he made this gal.
02:24
I'm gonna stick an M-80 in her ass and blow her to bits.
02:27
Wait. Why don't you drop her in my bowl?
02:29
i''d be happy for the companionship...
02:31
even if it is with a normal, nonspeaking fish.
02:34
Wow, look at you.
02:36
Hooking up with a colored girl.
02:39
Hi. I'm Klaus. What's your sign?
02:41
Pisces? [ Laughing ]
02:48
My husband never wants to hear me out.
02:50
Instead of talking things through, he just pushes me off.
02:54
Don't worry. I'll fix everything.
02:56
Let's start with you, Francine.
02:58
I want you to feel completely relaxed.
03:00
Imagine warm liquid filling your body...
03:02
starting at your feet and rising slowly to your head.
03:05
When I snap my fingers, you're going to fall into a deep, dreamlike state.
03:09
[ Snaps Fingers ]
03:10
So, Stan, want me to give her the regular?
03:13
Yep, Sal. Time for her annual tune-up.
03:15
Ooh, mixed nuts.
03:16
There's quite a few things I'd like you to make her forget.
03:19
She wants to move her parents to town again, huh?
03:21
Every year on her dad's birthday.
03:25
There we go. There's the winner.
03:28
Here's a list of, uh, some other things I'd like repressed this year.
03:31
she talked about getting a puppy again.
03:32
Let's get rid of that.
03:34
she wanted to get a "subway map" shower curtain.
03:36
Need to nip that in the bud.
03:38
she wants me to start picking my shoes up off the floor.
03:41
she's also been grousing about the night I sleep-punched her.
03:43
And there's plenty more.
03:45
Oh, and, uh, while you're knocking around in there...
03:46
get her to love the films of Emilio Estevez.
03:49
How great is that guy?
03:51
He's a Sheen, he's from an acting dynasty...
03:53
yet he chooses to be Mexican.
03:55
Makes it huge, realizes people have had enough of him...
03:57
and is decent enough to fall off the face of the earth.
03:59
[ Howling ] Emilio!
04:02
No problem. - Do your magic.
04:03
I'm gonna get a sandwich across the street.
04:05
Oh, I'll take a—
04:07
Never mind then.
04:09
All righty then, Francine. - [ Snoring Quietly ]
04:11
You will stop submitting captions...
04:13
for the New Yorker cartoon contest.
04:15
You will stop saying the phrase "You are a card...
04:17
and you need to be dealt with."
04:19
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
04:21
You will awake in one hour.
04:22
You will remember nothing of this session.
04:25
Okay, good to go.
04:27
Thanks, Sal.
04:31
Francine, you are stiff as a board.
04:35
[ Loud Thud ]
04:36
Next year, I'll have you hypnotize my penis.
04:38
[ Laughing ] - [ Chuckles ]
04:39
[ Laughing ]
04:41
Ah. -[ Thud ]
04:44
Hey there, sleepyhead.
04:46
You up for a Mighty Ducks marathon?
04:48
[ Gasps ]
04:52
[ Baby Exclaims ]
04:55
[ Zipper Unzips ]
05:02
[ Cooing ] - Sorry to intrude, guys.
05:04
It's my father's birthday.
05:06
He turned 69, and he's not getting any younger.
05:08
And you want to discuss your parents moving to town...
05:11
but Stan won't talk about it.
05:12
Yes. How-How did you know?
05:15
Because you come over every year, say the same thing...
05:17
and pube up our hot tub.
05:19
I-I don't do that.
05:21
Honey, let's go see a therapist.
05:23
Oh, you'd do that for me?
05:28
Aaah! I saw it again.
05:30
You know she has one. Why do you keep staring at it?
05:32
I don't trust it. I don't want to turn my back on it.
05:38
I now pronounce you man-fish and wife.
05:43
Now for my payment.
05:46
Honk, honk.
05:47
Pleasure doing business with you.
05:49
[ Moaning ]
05:54
Uh, hey, I got you a wedding present.
05:57
Oh, pumpkin, look— our new home.
06:00
Now let's get this party started.
06:03
[[ Man: Rap ] /] - Let's get it started' ha
06:06
Let's get it started in here
06:09
Let's get it started' ha
06:11
Let's get it started in here
06:15
[ Snaps Fingers ]
06:17
Great. Here's this year's list of things I need adios'd.
06:19
I'm gonna go grab a sandwich.
06:21
Oh, Ill have a— [ Sighs ]
06:27
And when you awake, you will remember...
06:30
everything Stan has made me repress over the last 20 years.
06:35
[[ Thunderclap ]
06:36
Maybe, once in a while, I can have an orgasm.
06:39
Let's talk about it later.
06:40
[[ Thunderclap ]
06:42
Stan, I think we should get Hayley and Bailey vaccinated.
06:45
We'll talk about it later.
06:46
[ Thunderclap ] - Ow!
06:48
son of a bitch! You punched me!
06:51
[ Murmuring ] Talk... later.
06:54
[ Thunderclap ] - Why, Sal?
06:56
You've been coming here for two decades.
06:59
Never once offered to bring me a sandwich.
07:02
Uh, Francine, you've never been more relaxed.
07:06
Your body is filling with liquid—
07:08
[ Grunts ] - [ Groans ]
07:10
[ High-pitched Voice ] Emilio!
07:16
So instead of discussing things with me...
07:18
you take me to a hypnotist?
07:20
We could have gone to a real therapist and worked on our problems.
07:24
I don't like airing my personal business in front of an audience.
07:27
Though I do like using those steel pee troughs at the stadium.
07:30
I don't know if it's because it sounds like rain...
07:32
or it's just the sight of all those eager johnsons working together.
07:36
Stan! - Let's play hide-and-don't seek.
07:38
I'll hide in my plate room, and you don't seek me.
07:42
We know the game is over when you've made me dinner.
07:50
Oh, my porcelain, ginger-haired prankster.
07:53
No one has a sense of humor anymore.
07:55
Stan, we are going to talk about this now.
07:58
Wait. More memories are coming back.
08:02
This wasn't always your plate room.
08:04
This was my work space.
08:06
Why did I need a work space? - Uh, you didn't.
08:09
L-Let's go on vacation right now.
08:11
The Poconos. [ Chuckles ] Sounds funny.
08:13
Hey, I had a secret hiding place.
08:19
What's on this tape? - Nothing.
08:22
And we don't have a VCR anymore, so you'll have to take my word for it.
08:24
Roger still has one—
08:26
because you didn't buy him a DVD player like he wanted for his quinceañera.
08:32
[ Bland, Peppy ]
08:33
[ Grunting ]
08:37
Hey! My Angela Lansbury workout.
08:39
Why Miss Lansbury you ask?
08:41
Well, I've come to accept that I have the body...
08:43
of a postmenopausal, senior woman.
08:45
I do. I'm at peace with it.
08:48
Any other woman in the audience...
08:50
the tallest member of her family?
08:52
Oh, my God, that's right. - [ Applause ]
08:55
I was a stand-up comic.
08:57
Well my adoptive parents are Chinese...
08:59
so I'm the tallest member in generations.
09:02
I go to my family reunion, and they're all like...
09:04
"Godzilla! Aaah!"
09:06
[ Audience Laughing ] - Funny.
09:07
In first grade. they sent me home with lice.
09:10
My parents said— imitating Accent ] "Of course she has lice.
09:13
She has it for runch every day."
09:15
[ Laughter ]
09:16
I can say it You cant.
09:18
[ Laughs ] You're good.
09:22
Why on earth would you make me forget I was a stand-up comedienne?
09:26
[ Laughing ] - You started working nights. It affected my schedule.
09:28
I talked to Sal about it, and he said I don't like change.
09:32
I have an aversion to it. An aversion.
09:34
Can you imagine how hard that's been on me?
09:39
I get it. I get it.
09:41
I'll go get ready for sex.
09:44
[ Laughing ] - [ Audience Laughing ]
09:47
You really think I was funny?
09:49
You're hilarious. All you need is a manager, and you're on your way.
09:52
I wouldn't even know where to begin to find a—
09:55
[ Confetti Tinkles ]
09:56
Sweeps McCullough, talent manager.
09:58
I used to represent every sitcom neighbor and sidekick in the '80s.
10:02
I discovered Mindy Cohn, Willie Aames...
10:04
the slow kid from Life Goes On.
10:06
Was that a comedy? - Was to me.
10:08
Anyway, I've been down on my luck as of late, but I still know talent.
10:12
I wanna make you a star.
10:13
Shut your eyes. - Why?
10:15
[ Tinkles ] - Ow!
10:18
Ow. Ow.
10:19
Sorry about that.
10:21
I made the confetti out of cut-up tuna can lids.
10:23
Now about your career.
10:25
I'm flattered, but this all happened 20 years ago.
10:28
I might not be good anymore.
10:30
Nonsense. Once you've got it, you never lose it.
10:33
You have talent herpes.
10:34
I have regular herpes. Thank you, Mindy Cohn.
10:36
So what do you say? You in?
10:38
I can't believe Stan made me forget all this.
10:41
Hell, yes! I'm in!
10:43
Good. We'll start with the stand-up/topless bar circuit...
10:46
and work our way up.
10:47
I have to perform topless?
10:49
You're not topless. The staff is topless.
10:51
You want to get noticed, your ha-ha's have to be bigger than their tatas.
10:58
Are you sure about all this?
11:00
Remember when Rudy from the Cosby Show got old and stopped being cute?
11:04
I brought them Raven-Symoné.
11:06
Saw her in a Philadelphia playground and knew she was a star.
11:09
Snatched her right up.
11:10
Six months later, her parents saw her on TV...
11:12
and realized she was still alive.
11:14
Did some time for that.
11:15
So, you ask, am I sure about this?
11:18
I don't know.
11:23
She's a terrible wife. She has no maternal instincts.
11:26
She can't be that bad.
11:28
She ate three of the children. - [ Gasps ]
11:30
And poor little Susan. she only ate half of her.
11:34
she wasn't even hungry. she was just eating to eat.
11:38
Siren Wailing in Distance ]
11:40
Coming from an Asian family, my parents had never seen boobs.
11:44
No cup size was bigger than an "A."
11:46
And that was my dad's.
11:48
[ All Laughing ]
11:55
[ Laughter, Muffled ]
11:57
You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies—
12:01
because two Wongs don't make a white.
12:04
[ All Laughing ]
12:11
I called in a bunch of favors and put together a talent showcase...
12:15
at the mother of all stripper/comedy clubs.
12:18
Hilareola's?
12:19
You got me booked at Hilareola's!
12:21
Bunch of TV execs are going to be there.
12:23
You're my ticket back to the bigs.
12:25
No! This is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
12:28
My whole world is changing.
12:30
Dinner's not on the table. I'm wearing dirty shirts.
12:33
There's no one taking my shoes upstairs.
12:35
We'll talk about it later.
12:37
How does that feel?
12:41
By the look on his face, not good.
12:43
[ Band: Rock, Muffled ]
12:46
éé [ Rock Continues ]
12:48
[ Audience Chattering ]
12:50
You boys are gonna eat her up.
12:55
What, TV people don't do this anymore?
12:58
No. [ Continues, Muffled ]
13:00
stan? What are you doing here?
13:02
Just came to wish you luck.
13:04
This is a big night. Huge night.
13:07
Now, I don't want to scare you...
13:08
but the place is packed with TV executives.
13:10
[ Audience Applauding ] - Lot of pressure.
13:12
If you're trying to rattle me, it won't work.
13:14
[ Male Emcee ] Welcome to Hilareola's! - [ Audience Whooping ] I]
13:17
Tonight, we have Langley Falls's blossoming new comedienne—
13:21
Francine Ling! - [ Audience Cheering ]
13:23
Don't blow it. Your material's as tired as your face.
13:25
[ Rock ] - [ Cheering ]
13:31
[ Ends ]
13:32
How's everyone do—
13:34
[ Audience Groaning ]
13:45
Well, you tried, Francine.
13:47
Fox ordered six episodes for a sitcom based on my stand-up.
13:51
What? - I'm leaving for Hollywood.
13:53
But I saw you throw up on stage. - You shouldn't have left.
13:56
She riffed for 20 minutes on how Chinese food looks like vomit.
14:00
"Mongolian barf-ecue."
14:02
[ Laughing ] Hilarious.
14:04
i'll send for my things. - You can't just leave.
14:08
Stan, you don't control me anymore.
14:10
I'm gonna live my life, and you can't stop me.
14:13
I'm going too. I'm a nonwriting producer...
14:15
which means I get paid to do nothing.
14:17
I might even be a hindrance.
14:19
I'm calling everyone to tell 'em Sweeps is coming to town.
14:22
I'm gonna get off the plane and go right to Dana Plato's grave.
14:25
I owe It to her.
14:26
I killed her.
14:33
[ Jazz Ballad ]
14:37
[Man] -* Nobody Knows the
14:40
trouble i've seen
14:45
Nobody Knows f
14:48
♪ But Jesus
14:53
And that's the news. Well be back with sports.
14:56
[ Fanfare. Asian ] - [ Male Announcer ] I] What happens when an adopted white girl...
14:58
is raised by a Chinese family?
15:00
This fall on Fox—
15:02
Francine Ling and PD. Wang Star in White Rice.
15:06
Chop-stick around
15:07
It's egg foo fun for the whole family.
15:10
I miss her, Klaus. - Really? I couldn't tell.
15:13
What am I gonna do?
15:15
Change. - Huh?
15:16
Change. - Huh?
15:16
If you want her back, then you're going to have to change.
15:20
Don't let your marriage fall apart like mine did.
15:23
I hate your face so much.
15:30
[ Chattering ]
15:32
I love show-night rehearsal.
15:34
It's a chance to fine-tune the show...
15:36
before they bring the audience in.
15:37
It's also my chance to pick out one of the extras to pork.
15:41
Hey, toots, you want a part on the show? Let's see 'em.
15:43
Sir, that is sexual harassment.
15:46
Not if I don't have a boner. Know the law.
15:52
Okay, Francine, you're getting ready for your father's 70th birthday party.
15:55
And... action.
15:57
Uncle Fung is bringing dessert...
15:58
and Dan will be home any minute.
16:00
Does he have to come to my birthday? - He's my husband.
16:04
We know, but he is white.
16:06
I'm white.
16:07
You are a reverse banana.
16:09
You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
16:13
Laugh, laugh, laugh. You two exit to the kitchen.
16:15
Dan, you enter and cross to Francine.
16:17
Dan, I need to talk to you about something.
16:21
My father's turning 70, and he's not getting any younger.
16:24
I've got dessert. - [ Kittens Mewing ]
16:26
You're amazing, P.D.
16:28
Let's break for dinner! We shoot in one hour!
16:30
[ Bell Rings ]
16:31
We are hitting our stride, Frannie--
16:33
shooting our sixth episode, premiering next week.
16:36
I can't believe my husband didn't want me to have all of this.
16:40
Well, I can tell you this.
16:42
I need some money for more coke.
16:49
[ Whimpering ] - I'm coming, baby!
16:51
[ Tires Screeching ]
17:00
[ Tires Screech ]
17:02
Do you have a drive-on?
17:04
[ Low Voice ] I'm Kristen Johnston.
17:06
Oh, yes. Of course, Miss Johnston.
17:10
He's my husband.
17:12
We know, but he is white.
17:14
I'm white.
17:15
You are a reverse banana. - What?
17:18
You are white on outside, yellow on inside.
17:21
[ All Laughing ]
17:23
Is this where Francine Ling lives?
17:26
Uh, this is a set.
17:28
And this is a fist. - [ Groans ]
17:30
[ Laughter ]
17:31
Francine, we need to talk.
17:33
stan? What are you doing here?
17:34
I'm not afraid of change. I—
17:38
Oh. I didn't realize you had people over.
17:40
[ Laughing ]
17:42
Who is that guy? - It's Kristen Johnston. Just keep rolling.
17:44
Look, I got that gold chain you wanted to talk about.
17:47
I'm also wearing cargo shorts, like you wanted.
17:50
Ten years ago, you wanted to paint the kitchen purple. I painted it.
17:53
I have 20 dogs in the car— one for every year you asked for one.
17:57
All the things you ever wanted, I did.
17:59
I've changed for you.
18:01
It turns out the only change I can't live with is losing you.
18:06
[ Audience ] Aw.
18:07
I got dessert. - [ Kittens Mewing ]
18:09
Get out, or I'll shoot you!
18:10
[ Laughter, Applause ]
18:13
stan, I'm touched that you made all these changes...
18:16
but that's not what I wanted.
18:18
It- It isn't? - No.
18:21
I just wanted to talk those things through.
18:24
I wasn't sure about 'em.
18:25
That's why I needed to discuss them with you.
18:28
Now that I see the kitchen purple, it looks terrible.
18:32
And those shorts make you look boxy.
18:34
And who knows— maybe I wouldn't like having an orgasm.
18:37
Whew! - [ Laughter ]
18:41
And as for my stand-up career...
18:43
if we had just talked it through...
18:45
you would have realized it didn't mean I would leave you.
18:49
You could have come with me.
18:50
There's a C.I.A. office out here in Los Angeles.
18:53
Oh, yeah. Never thought of that.
18:55
This is incredibly unprofessional.
18:57
[ Groans ]
18:58
[ Laughter, Applause ]
19:02
I'm really sorry, Francine.
19:05
This time, I can tell you really are sorry.
19:08
So I accept your apology.
19:12
[ Audience ] Aw.
19:14
Cut! Lightning in a bottle.
19:15
[ Snorting ]
19:17
Yes! Oh, there is no downside to this drug.
19:21
You guys want to go get some steaks at the Brown Derby?
19:25
[ Pops ]
19:27
I'd like to make a toast to Francine...
19:29
and to tonight's premier of White Rice.
19:32
It is going the distance.
19:33
That's what I told Meredith Baxter-Birney on the set of Family Ties.
19:37
That's when she was still a fan of the meat rod.
19:40
[ Glasses Clink ]
19:43
I can't wait to tell the kids about moving to California.
19:46
It's like a dream come true.
19:48
You deserve it, baby.
19:49
Quiet! The show's coming on.
19:51
[ Theme. Asian]
19:52
Hi Mah Mah. What's for dinner?
19:54
Eel in cow-eyeball sauce.
19:56
It called guck nu.
19:58
Sounds more like guck ew! - [ Laughter ]
20:01
-[ test Tone] - [I Crowd Cheering ] /]
20:03
[ Male Announcer ] it's an all-new episode of Fits in the Hole.
20:06
Oh, my God!
20:07
Look how fat she is in that silver suit.
20:10
I don't think she's gonna make it.
20:11
Roger, what happened to White Rice? - Right.
20:14
It's probably just a programming mistake. - [ Beeps ]
20:16
Yeah, this is Sweeps.
20:17
Uh-huh. Aha!
20:20
Okay, thanks!
20:21
We've been canceled.
20:23
[ Chattering ] - [ Door Closes ]
20:25
After one joke?
20:27
Apparently the Asian community is iN an Uproar.
20:29
Oh, well. Can I borrow your belt and this chair?
20:34
Sweeps is dead! He hung himself.
20:37
No! - I never gave you my belt.
20:39
You didn't? Give it to me.
20:41
Sweeps is dead!
20:47
Okay, Bah Bah. Bye.
20:50
Wow. I can't believe my father's turning 70.
20:54
Stan, I really think we should talk about moving them to town.
21:00
Okay, let's talk about it.
21:03
I think it's a terrible idea.
21:05
[ Sighs ] Me too.
21:10
stan, I need to borrow your shovel.
21:47
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
