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Please pass the turkey jerky.
S07E06 There Will Be Bad Blood
19:31 – 19:33
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So, long story short, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.
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I'd like to make a toast. - Yes, a toast.
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00:05
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:08
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:11
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:14
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:20
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:24
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:29
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:33
[ Gobbling ]
00:41
Come on, people. I want this place to look nice.
00:43
Family is coming. Francine, did you pick up Champagne?
00:46
Yep. I just picked her up from the bus stop.
00:48
Miss Francine, did you move the gravy boat?
00:51
It's above the microwave, dear.
00:53
Klaus, you look great.
00:54
Thanks. It's just Banana Republic.
00:57
How... do I look?
01:00
Steve, you know my half brother's Native American.
01:02
But we made these in school. - Those things are sacred.
01:05
Like yarmulkes for the Jews or cowboy hats for ugly sluts at music festivals.
01:09
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
01:12
There's my favorite nephew.
01:15
Butterfly knife and a Hustler. - Thanks, Uncle Kappy.
01:18
I'm not Uncle Kappy just yet. I still have to get drunk.
01:21
Where's the good booze that you only pull out to show off to your half brother?
01:25
I don't pull out the nice scotch to show off.
01:27
I do it in the spirit of the holiday, to share with the ones I love.
01:30
Oh, please. You have 'em over every year just so you can feel like a big shot.
01:33
Roger's right, Dad.
01:35
You totally get off on how much more successful you are than your half brother.
01:39
Hayley, trust me. You have no idea what gets me off, and you probably never will.
01:43
Look, Rusty and his family have nothing.
01:45
I invite them here so they can enjoy all we've been blessed with.
01:48
[ Doorbell Rings ] - I might be wealthier than Rusty...
01:50
but it's not like I rub it in his face.
01:52
Rusty! Hey, feel this. It's cashmere.
01:57
[[ Marching Band] ]
01:59
Thank you for having us.
02:01
Sooleawa'uha likes to escape the desert heat.
02:03
And I know Glenn looks forward to this all the year long.
02:06
I Know what that's like. I look forward to coming here every day too.
02:09
To this big-ass house. Yeah! I make money.
02:13
Here you go, Rusty.
02:15
I can't believe it's been a whole year since you've been here.
02:17
We have so much new stuff to show you.
02:19
Steve, show Glenn your new X-Cube.
02:21
The "X" is for "expensive."
02:24
[ Smacks Lips ]
02:26
[ Blipping ] - Look at those graphics...
02:28
on that high-def, no-glare screen.
02:30
You can even shine a flashlight on it. see? No glare.
02:33
And you should see the blacks on this thing.
02:35
Steve, pop in the Nutty Professor.
02:37
And check out this flashlight. Halogen. This thing's bright as fuck.
02:41
The four burners allow me to make four things at once.
02:45
That's hot as fuck.
02:47
Welcome to the Smith house.
02:57
You know, this day is about giving thanks...
02:59
and I'll tell you what I'm thankful for—
03:01
having family I get to spend each Thanksgiving with.
03:04
I'm glad that when my dad walked into that nightclub in Santa Fe...
03:08
eyes damaged by the New Mexican sun...
03:10
he bedded your Cherokee mother, having mistaken her for a person.
03:16
I love you, Bro. You're my Thanksgiving miracle.
03:19
Thanksgiving miracle?
03:21
You're thinking of Christmas miracle. - Oh, no, Hayley.
03:24
Me thinkum you forgottum the story of the Thanksgiving miracle.
03:27
It all started at a place called Pontiac Rock.
03:30
Well the Pilgrims arrived. and they didnt know what to do.
03:33
The land was all undeveloped, because the indians hadnt done any work
03:37
it was all weeds. No sprinklers, nothing.
03:40
Just nothing.
03:42
They couldnt get anything to grow, or even Make shelter before the harsh winter came.
03:50
[ Teeth Clattering ] - in the Pilgrims' darkest hour. when all was lost,
03:55
along came Squanto.
04:00
The following autumn, the Pilgrims invited the indians to a feast...
04:04
To thank them for all their Kindness.
04:06
The feast was the perfect opportunity...
04:08
for the Pilgrims to try out their new exploding corn.
04:15
-[ Thud ] - Our forefathers took their land...
04:19
and it was good
04:24
And now, how about a Champagne toast?
04:26
To the Smiths.
04:28
They gave me their old curtains.
04:33
I can't wait to see the look on my brother's face...
04:35
when he sees these Manolo Blahniks I got for the turkey.
04:38
Oh, Stan.
04:39
Our first Thanksgiving since Hayley ran off with Jeff.
04:43
It just won't be the same without our little girl.
04:47
Ah! There is still a week. Maybe they'll come back.
04:51
she's not coming back, Francine.
04:53
In fact, she's dead to me for marrying that loser.
04:55
Stan— - [ Banging ]
05:00
Yep, yep. We got some HVAC running through here.
05:03
Steve, what are you doing? - Expanding my room.
05:05
I'm an only child now, so I get anything I want.
05:08
You have to do whatever I say because I'm all you got.
05:12
And I want a bigger room!
05:14
I want a closet like Big made for Carrie in Sex and the City
05:18
I want a Labradoodle and a nice camera to take pictures of us!
05:22
Steven! You are out of control, mister!
05:24
You better not behave this way when Rusty and his family get here.
05:27
If anyone has the right to complain, it's them. They don't have squat.
05:30
You know what?
05:32
For Thanksgiving this year, we're not gonna have them come here.
05:34
We're going to their gross tepee in Crap Hole, Arizona.
05:37
Then you'll see how good you've got it.
05:38
What? - You heard me.
05:40
And then we're going to Four Corners...
05:42
where you'll get to see me break-dance in four states at once.
05:44
Oh, man!
05:46
[ Engine Roaring ]
05:49
We're gonna spend a whole week here?
05:52
Ah, I didn't bring enough batteries for all my stuff.
05:56
Rusty! - Sorry about the elk.
05:58
I found him on the side of the road.
06:00
You Indians really don't waste a thing, do you?
06:02
Except for time reading the fine print on treaties.
06:08
Hop in, guys. - I call antlers up the butt. Mine. Called it.
06:16
[ Steve ] You... live here? - I do.
06:19
This is what Steve needs to see.
06:21
Come on. Let's get settled.
06:24
Stan, where are you going?
06:26
That is the pump house for the fountains and pools.
06:28
Fountains and pools? So then, where do you live? - Up there.
06:36
That's your house?
06:38
Well, actually, it is a replica of Augustus Caesar's summer house...
06:42
built into the cliffs of Cyprus.
06:44
But, yes, that is the long way of saying yes.
06:47
So, we're the poor family.
06:53
Whoa. Somebody just got cuter.
07:01
some tepee you got here, Russ.
07:03
The home was a labor of love.
07:05
We built it into the mountainside...
07:07
so as to not obstruct the natural order of the landscape.
07:10
[ Splat ]
07:12
[ Squeaks ]
07:24
[ Francine Gasps ]
07:27
I bragged about our four burners.
07:29
How many burners do you have?
07:31
I never counted. Hmm.
07:34
Eighty-six.
07:36
Whoo! That's a lot of burners!
07:39
Glenn, I think Steve might enjoy to see your gaming space.
07:43
[ Train Whistle Blowing ] - This place is crazy!
07:50
Do we really have to wear these to play video games?
07:53
Mm-hmm.
07:54
It's amazing how this skintight suit doesn't show a boner...
07:57
even though I'm certain we both have one, right?
08:03
I just want you to know I'm having a wonderful time.
08:10
Power on!
08:17
[ Screams ] Where are the remotes?
08:19
We are the remotes.
08:27
My whole body's a joystick!
08:31
[ Rumbling, Clattering ]
08:44
This bar has absolutely everything.
08:46
Oh, my God! Absolute Everything!
08:49
[ Gulping ]
08:50
That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet?
08:53
And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt.
08:56
Um, I don't.
08:58
Oh. Explains the attitude...
09:00
and why he did such a slapdash job.
09:03
Rusty, I— I always thought you were poor.
09:07
I actually brought Steve here to try to make him appreciate what he has.
09:10
[ Laughs ] That is truly funny...
09:13
because I have been bringing my family to your house every Thanksgiving...
09:16
for the same reason.
09:18
[ Laughing ]
09:20
Haya-ha-ha-haya, haya-ha-ha-ha!
09:24
Hey-ha, ha-ha-ha!
09:25
Heya-ha-ha-hiya, hiya-ha-ha-ha.
09:30
Haya-ha-ha-ha—
09:32
How did you get so rich? - It is the land.
09:36
I pull $18 million of copper...
09:39
out of the ground every year!
09:42
This land? The land you got from Grandpa?
09:45
Weren't we supposed to share this land?
09:48
You two motherfuckers are my only grandchildren.
09:51
All I got to my goddamn name is $20,000...
09:54
and the piece of shit land your sissy great-grandpappy won...
09:59
in a game of kickball against some asshole.
10:02
Honky-tonk Piano ]
10:15
So you two shitbags decide who gets what.
10:20
The sweet 20 grand...
10:23
or the crap land.
10:25
Rusty, we both clearly want the money, so here's what we'll do.
10:28
I'll hold a number behind my back.
10:30
If you choose correctly, then you can take the money.
10:33
Okay. Two.
10:35
No. Eleven. I get the money.
10:36
Hiya-ya-ya— Peace. I'm outta here.
10:39
Yo, can I get two Jell-O's for me and my gramps?
10:42
You tricked me.
10:44
Stan, you inherited $20,000.
10:47
What did you do with it? - I lost it.
10:49
Not in stocks or bonds, but in the old-fashioned way: left it on the bus.
10:54
Look, the point is, things clearly didn't work out fairly.
10:56
We should share this land. - Stan, I am sorry about the way things worked out...
11:00
but I don't- - You can do my wife!
11:02
What? - Think about it.
11:03
White Francine. No limits.
11:06
Stan, this land was given to me fair and square by our grandfather.
11:10
You mean my grandfather! You shouldn't even exist.
11:13
Like male nipples. They're worthless.
11:15
They're driving me crazy! Every time I look at 'em, I feel like a lady!
11:19
Come on, Uncle Kappy. It's time to go.
11:22
No! It's Sammy Hagar's Jagermeister— Hagarmeister!
11:26
[ Cork Pops ] - Yeah, baby!
11:37
This house blows.
11:39
I shouldn't have to live like a homeless person.
11:41
What about me? I only have four burners.
11:45
What if I want to cook bacon and an egg...
11:48
and a hash brown and a pancake and a chicken?
11:54
I just realized that I've always hated living here.
11:57
I can't believe my ears.
11:59
Because every word that you guys just said is completely true.
12:04
This place sucks!
12:06
What are you guys talking about? Hey, it's me, Klaus.
12:12
Rusty's rich, Klaus, okay?
12:15
Now you know.
12:18
Well, Stan, you should be happy for your brother.
12:21
So what if he's rich? You all still have so much.
12:25
Look at me. I lost everything, even my big dick.
12:28
But I am still thankful for what I do have.
12:32
Like the sunshine and music and—
12:34
and all of you to enjoy life with.
12:37
This is crap! Tomorrow's Thanksgiving, and we have nothing to be thankful for.
12:42
Grandpa wanted me to have that land...
12:44
but Rusty slid in and took it right out from under me.
12:47
Do you really feel like all of Rusty's stuff should be yours, Stan?
12:50
Yes, I do. In my heart, I know it should all be mine.
12:55
Then you must take it.
12:56
Yeah. Do what the Pilgrims did.
12:58
Just— Just take it.
13:00
And most importantly, take it all.
13:02
Take it all, like a big girl.
13:05
stan nods, inspired.
13:21
[ Gasps ]
13:23
[ Gasps ]
13:25
Hmm?
13:32
[ Shutter Clicks ]
13:33
[ Beeping ]
13:35
Text from my boy Rog. It better not be a butt.
13:38
Uh-oh. It's an attachment.
13:41
It's downloading.
13:43
Please don't be a butt. Please, please, please.
13:45
Oh, it's a butt! Come on now! Whose butt is that?
13:48
That's a white-ass butt! - Let me see.
13:53
[ Alarm Blares ] - [ Door Opens ]
13:56
What's going on? Why are we at Uncle Stan's house?
13:59
That son of a bitch.
14:02
Trying to pull the old house switcheroony on us.
14:08
Would anyone like me to pour more Dom on the floor?
14:12
This is the best Thanksgiving ever.
14:14
[ Doorbell Rings ] - Who could that be?
14:17
Rusty!
14:18
Get the hell out of my house. - They remember.
14:22
[ Grunts ] - [ Body Falls ]
14:23
No. You-You don't understand.
14:26
It should all be mine. The floor is heated. Oh, come on.
14:29
[ Grunts ]
14:32
If you come back here, I will kill you!
14:39
That should all be mine! I deserve it! I want it all!
14:42
It should be mine, mine, mine!
14:46
[ All Screaming ]
14:51
[ All Coughing ]
14:53
Is everyone okay? - Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
14:55
Thank God. It's a miracle.
14:57
I'll go get help. [ Groaning ]
15:10
This helicopter crash was the best thing that could have happened to us.
15:13
Now we can go back to Rusty's and get what we deserve.
15:16
But, Stan, he said he'd kill you.
15:18
If Native Americans could kill a white man, they would have done it already.
15:21
Well, okay. Which way is it?
15:24
We were flying south, so the house should be due north.
15:28
I have a compass. Follow me.
15:30
This looks just like where they shot that Spice Girls video.
15:33
Give it up, girl! ~ You get it, got it
15:36
You can do it if you really want it
15:38
That's not really one of their songs, but it's crappy like that.
15:43
Roger, I'm pretty sure...
15:45
this is the second time we passed this cactus that looks like Queen Latifah.
15:49
I Know where I'm going.
15:50
I just need to get the last ball in to make this thing really work.
15:54
[ Rattling ] - What? Let me see that.
15:58
Roger, this isn't a compass. It's a stupid game for fun!
16:01
It is? Who's doing that for fun?
16:03
[ Rattling ] - We're lost.
16:06
Oh, my God. It didn't break. Oh, my God. You got all the balls in.
16:09
Oh, my God. It isn't fun.
16:11
[ Screeching ]
16:17
Wonder who this guy was.
16:19
Luckily I've got some forensic clay on me. Let's see who died.
16:26
[ Gasps ] A balanced breakfast!
16:29
[ Growling, Snarling ]
16:32
Oh, no. They smelled the fake breakfast.
16:34
They're gonna kill us! - Stan!
16:38
Oh, my God. I know this wolf.
16:41
I know this wolf! It's a miracle!
16:43
A Thanksgiving miracle!
16:45
My wolf came to save us!
16:47
[Man] - So Now I come to you,
16:51
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ] - ♪ With open arms
16:56
Nothing to hide.
17:00
Believe what I say."
17:03
e ohere/am
17:07
With open arms ♪
17:10
♪ Hoping you'll see - [ Laughing, Screams ]
17:13
It's not her! It's not Felicity! Different wolf!
17:18
[ Screaming ]
17:22
Thank God those wolves gave up.
17:24
Nature's quitters.
17:26
[ Groans ] Too... hot.
17:29
Don't worry. I Know what to do.
17:32
What are you doing?
17:34
[I Urinating ] - I saw this on Man vs. Wild
17:41
These pee hats will keep us cool.
17:45
[ Francine Shuddering ]
17:46
It-It got so c-cold.
17:49
This thing's stuck to my head. It froze!
17:52
It's freezing my brain!
17:54
We have to huddle together for warmth. Come.
18:01
Francine, touch me.
18:03
What? - Touch me.
18:04
It'll provide us with all the warmth we need.
18:06
I saw it on Man vs. Wild!
18:10
That feels amazing. - I'm not touching you.
18:15
That feels amazing.
18:25
Oh, I'm gonna make it!
18:28
Whoo-hoe!
18:30
Uh-oh. Oh, no.
18:35
[ All Shuddering ]
18:38
We are definitely going to die.
18:40
I'm too young to die. - No, you're not.
18:43
Just give up, Son. You'll stay young forever.
18:47
[ Shuddering ] - [ Shuddering ]
18:56
Squanto!
18:57
It's the Thanksgiving miracle!
19:05
Hayley?
19:07
Hey, Mr. S. Sorry I stole your money.
19:09
If it makes you feel any better, I spent it all having fun.
19:13
You look terrible.
19:14
Hayley, how did you find us? - It was totally random.
19:18
After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves.
19:21
At first, Jeff was saying he was only gonna do women...
19:24
but then— [ Chuckles ] that wasn't working out.
19:27
So, long story short, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.
19:31
Please pass the turkey jerky.
19:34
I'd like to make a toast. - Yes, a toast.
19:38
To Jeff's fruit punch that I added drain cleaner to.
19:41
And to Lionel Richie, who put a blind woman in his video.
19:46
[ Thud ]
19:47
This may not be the best Thanksgiving dinner we've ever had—
19:49
Worst! [ Chuckling ]
19:51
But I'm so happy to be here.
19:54
Through losing everything, I realized how much I took for granted...
19:58
including my daughter, who I was ready to disown.
20:01
Hayley, you are officially undead to me.
20:04
I want you and Jeff to move in with us.
20:06
Stan. - Rusty, you're here.
20:10
I owe you a huge apology. We're brothers, and—
20:13
[ Slider Cocks ] - I told you to get off my land.
20:16
What? This is still your land? How much land did you get?
20:19
So woh, woh, woh, woh, woh, woh, woh much.
20:22
Hey, guys! I found you! - [ Screams ]
20:25
Oh, my God! Go, go, go!
20:27
[ Tires Squeal ] - [ Muffled Shouts ]
20:33
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
20:34
Let me get this straight.
20:36
You have an oven just for toast? - That's right, Jeff.
20:40
And look at these paper towels I bought. Look how thick.
20:43
You can keep that. - Gee, Mr. S.
20:46
You're the richest guy I know.
20:48
And you're the poorest guy I know, Jeff.
20:50
And that's why you can stay here as long as you want.
20:55
[ Screaming ]
21:04
Ow. Ow. Ow.
21:06
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
21:42
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
