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Actually, I... don't have a family.
S07E09 Fart-Break Hotel
07:55 – 07:58
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If you're like me, you were dying to get away from your family for a week.
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Nope. My life is all about me.
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00:04
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
00:07
I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
00:10
The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪
00:13
And he's shining a salute to the American race
00:19
Oh, boy, it's swell to say
00:23
Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ [ Grunts ]
00:28
[[ Chorus ] - Good morning, USA.
00:32
[ Alarm Blares, Stops ]
00:33
[ Pop Intro]
00:44
The sun is shining in the sky
00:47
There aint a cloud in sight
00:50
It's stopped raining
00:52
Everybody's in a play
00:55
♪ And dont you Know, it's a beautiful new day - [ Alarm Blares ]
00:59
♪ Hey, hey
01:01
Running down the avenue
01:04
see how the sun shines brightly in the city
01:09
[ Gunshot ] -,* On the streets where once was pity,"
01:11
♪ Mr. Blue Sky Is living here today
01:16
♪ Hey, hey
01:18
♪ [ Vocalizing ]
01:22
[ Stops ] - [ Gasps ]
01:26
[ Sighs ]
01:30
What in the hell is that? - My Zucchini casserole.
01:33
Zucchini? Excuse me, but this is not Italian squash.
01:37
Yeah, the only thing Italian about this situation is your dirty lies.
01:44
[ Sighs ] You're right.
01:46
It's not Zucchini. It's okra.
01:49
I guess when I was at the store, my mind was somewhere else.
01:52
See, sometimes I escape to a little place in my head...
01:55
where no one complains about the meals I cook.
01:58
[ Groaning ]
02:01
And there's no more scraping snot rockets...
02:03
off the shower tiles.
02:06
And no more P.B. & J. with the crust cut off.
02:08
[ Whimpers ]
02:10
[ Neck Cracks ] - [ Groans ]
02:11
Anyway, if you don't wanna eat it...
02:14
I can fix something else.
02:16
Okra's great! - Yum!
02:19
Well, I'm not eating it. Okra gives me pretty bad gas.
02:22
Just eat it. - Okay.
02:24
But don't complain if I get pretty bad gas.
02:26
[ Alarm Beeping ]
02:30
[ Coughing ] Stan!
02:33
[ Coughing ] The house must be on fire!
02:35
[ All Coughing ]
02:37
I don't see any flames. - Then what is it?
02:40
[ Beeping Continues ] - [ Groans ] Who farted?
02:43
This guy!
02:44
[ Long Fart ]
02:50
Well, whatever's in there is off the charts toxic.
02:54
It's gonna take at least a week to sanitize your house.
02:56
A week? Where are we supposed to go for a week?
02:59
Relax. Just leave it to me.
03:06
Okay, I got us free rooms for the whole week. - How'd you do that?
03:09
I stayed here back in the 80s and suffered a terrible accident.
03:12
To avoid a lawsuit, the hotel gave me a free week of rooms.
03:16
Honestly, I forgot about the whole thing until today.
03:18
That fart really shook some memories loose.
03:21
Wow. I just remembered I was also in a legal battle with Nabisco.
03:24
I claimed I was Asian and sued over Cheese Nips.
03:27
Anyway, everything's complimentary—
03:29
room service, laundry, you name it. - You hear that, honey?
03:31
A whole week without you having to take care of us.
03:34
Wow. Finally some "me" time.
03:36
Stan and Francine, here are keys to your room and, Steve, here's yours.
03:40
What about my room? - Got ya covered.
03:45
Oh, boy. What's in here?
03:50
[ Man Narrating ] Some say that was the end of Klaus's story.
03:52
Some say it was just the beginning.
03:55
No one ever says it was the middle.
04:17
Bewitching, isn't she?
04:19
I Know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
04:23
Yes. I'm Hector Elizondo.
04:25
I played a concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots.
04:29
Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion— concierging.
04:35
I don't mean to ignore your strange monologue...
04:37
but I can't take my eyes off this enchanting vision.
04:40
The moment I saw her, I felt as if I'd met her before.
04:44
Impossible.
04:45
The great artist Patrick Nagel painted her...
04:48
while staying in this hotel in 1981.
04:51
Then I'm too late to meet her.
04:53
God, if it were only 1981 again.
04:55
Well, young man, perhaps it can be.
05:00
Excuse me. Where can I get some tampons?
05:04
Right over here, miss. I keep them next to my Tony.
05:14
Huh. No breakfast to make, no clothes to wash.
05:17
I guess I can do whatever I want.
05:29
What are you doing? - Laying out your clothes for the day.
05:32
Honey, stop worrying about us. Go spend time with Francine.
05:35
Get to know her. That's something I always wish I'd done.
05:39
Are— Are you sure?
05:41
[ Chuckles ] I'm pretty sure I can dress myself.
05:44
Uh, okay.
05:45
I'll just... get to know me.
05:50
[ Door Opens, Closes ] - Oh, she forgot the socks.
05:55
Now, which ones go with the suit, navy or black?
05:59
Francine!
06:01
Do you like horseback riding? Hang gliding?
06:03
I don't know. - Okay. How do you spend your time?
06:07
Well, for the last 20 years, I've just taken care of my family.
06:11
sounds like someone needs to get a life.
06:15
Uh— Uh- Uh-
06:17
[ Elizondo's Voice ] Sounds like someone needs to get a life.
06:20
[[ Echoes ] Get a life Get a life
06:24
Do you know Sarah Blanch, the OmniSlab Concrete rep from Chicago?
06:27
No, but I hear she's finally coming to one of these conventions.
06:30
I just heard she was in an accident on her way here.
06:32
Car went over a cliff and into a river. - That's horrible.
06:35
she's presumed dead. But nothing's concrete.
06:38
[ Both Laughing ]
06:40
But seriously, she's probably dead.
06:45
I know who you are! - You do?
06:48
There's only one name tag left. You must be Sarah Blanch.
06:51
[ Elizondo's Voice ] Someone needs to get a life [ Echoes ] Get a Life.
06:55
Get a life.
06:57
Ye— Yes, that's me.
06:59
I am Sarah Blanch.
07:03
Someone needs to get naked.
07:05
Get naked. Get naked.
07:08
Please, God, not you.
07:10
Not you. Not you.
07:18
So welcome, everyone...
07:20
and, uh, let's make this Concrete Sellers Convention the most solid one ever.
07:25
[ All Laughing ]
07:28
Sarah Blanch.
07:29
Pam Deakins, the Bakersfield rep.
07:33
We've done business on the phone.
07:35
Oh! Bakersfield Pam!
07:38
You know, Sarah, there's a rumor that you died in a car crash.
07:43
[ Laughing ] What?
07:45
Oh, my, no. I was just dying to be here.
07:49
[ All Laughing ]
07:51
If you're like me, you were dying to get away from your family for a week.
07:55
Actually, I... don't have a family.
07:59
Nope. My life is all about me.
08:02
Horseback riding and hang gliding...
08:05
and, um, having sex with some of Chicago's many Polacks.
08:10
[ Roger ] Sounds like the life to me.
08:12
Hi, Sarah. Pete Pendelman, concrete man out of Sheboygan.
08:15
Let's walk and talk.
08:16
What are you doing? - What?
08:19
On a whim, I decided to be a saleswoman who didn't show up. Big deal.
08:23
No, I-i get it. You need a little escape from Francine.
08:26
We are gonna have so much fun this week.
08:28
Yeah. We'll mingle, go to cocktail mixers—
08:31
Oh, no. Pete Pendelman is a recovering alcoholic.
08:34
I started hitting the bottle after my wife died...
08:37
during breast-reduction surgery that I made her get.
08:40
[ Sobs ] she was pregnant at the time.
08:42
Anyway, we're gonna have a blast...
08:45
as long as the real Sarah Blanch doesn't show up.
08:47
Oh, don't worry. Sarah Blanch is dead.
08:56
[ Gasps, Laughing ]
09:03
Stop torturing yourself, Steve. You'll never have her.
09:06
Unless you believe in... time travel.
09:12
What? - Oh, sorry. Wrong brochure.
09:16
Whoa! This claims you can travel back in time using only your mind.
09:20
Do you know what this means? - Yes.
09:22
You can go back in time, watch me be born and be the first person to hold me.
09:27
Just kidding.
09:29
Go back to 1981 and get your dream girl.
09:32
Thanks, Hector!
09:34
Who will hug baby Hector?
09:40
[ ] Horse riding. - You tap-dance too?
09:43
Wow, Sarah. How many hobbies do you have?
09:47
Five - Wow!
09:49
Pete, you've been quiet. What about your family? You married?
09:53
Two years ago, my wife was killed by a plastic surgeon in Ecuador.
09:57
I found him on Yelp. I gave him two stars.
10:01
Her breasts looked amazing during the open casket.
10:05
So I was married.
10:10
[ Clears Throat ]
10:12
[ Beeping ]
10:16
[ Gasps ] Looks like Sarah's day is over.
10:19
-[ All ] Aw! - Excuse me, Ms. Blanch.
10:22
We show you still haven't checked in to your executive suite.
10:29
Whoa!
10:30
A complimentary bucket of Coronas?
10:33
Sarah must be super important.
10:38
Hey, let's order huge sundaes from room service and just pig out.
10:42
Oh, no sweets for Pete. I have stage 2 diabetes.
10:46
In fact— [ Inhales ]
10:50
[ Sucking ]
10:52
Really?
10:54
[ Wind Whistling ]
10:56
I could get used to being Sarah Blanch.
10:59
I'm gonna laugh till I die I'm
11:04
gonna laugh instead of cry
11:06
I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down I'm
11:09
Gonna live. live, live till I die
11:12
Theyre gonna say what a gal
11:15
I'm gonna play for the sky!
11:18
Aint gonna miss a thing I'm gonna have my fling.
11:21
I'm gonna live. live, live till I die
11:23
How the hell does she know how to tap dance?
11:26
Because she's Sarah fucking Blanch!
11:29
Hey, you're a loudmouth, Doug.
11:32
You're loud.
11:34
All right, Steve, this is exactly how your hotel room looked in 1981.
11:39
Whoa! A water bed.
11:43
So, basically I just concentrate as hard as I can that I'm in 1981...
11:48
and I'll be transported back in time to meet my dream girl from the painting?
11:52
Yes, Steve. What is so hard to understand about that?
11:56
Okay. It's May 14, 1981.
12:00
President Jimmy Carter leaves the White House in disgrace.
12:03
Pope John Paul II is shot in Rome by a deranged Jimmy Carter.
12:07
Jimmy Carter kidnaps and devours 13 Christian babies.
12:11
Hmm. Maybe I should have read a real history book instead of the one Dad wrote.
12:19
Did it work? Is it 1981
12:23
[ Elevator Dings ]
12:26
Roger? Damn it, it didn't work.
12:29
Who's Roger? The name's Reaganomics Lamborghini, Jacuzzi dealer.
12:33
Wanna smoke cocaine out of my pipe made from a Rubik's Cube?
12:36
[ Screaming ]
12:41
Sir, are you all right?
12:43
I was sitting on this water bed, minding my own business...
12:45
when it spontaneously exploded.
12:47
I demand a week of free rooms, or I'll sue the crap out of you!
12:50
Wait a second.
12:56
I made it! It's 1981!
12:59
[ Electronic ]
13:08
Hey, I just got another crazy text from Stan about socks.
13:11
Is he okay? - Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
13:14
[ Sobbing ]
13:19
[ Sobbing Louder ]
13:23
Look, I don't have time for anyone else right now.
13:26
I'm too busy living my own life.
13:28
But it's not your life. It belongs to—
13:30
Sarah! Where have you been?
13:32
You have to give your speech. - What?
13:34
There she is—
13:36
our closing speaker, OmniSlab rep, Sarah Blanch!
13:41
All right, you've taken Sarah as far as she can go. Let's make a run for it.
13:44
Come on up, Sarah.
13:50
[ Sighs ]
13:52
You... dumb bitch.
13:55
[ Applauds ]
14:05
Um, I'm here to talk about... rebar placement...
14:10
and planned gap structure coordination.
14:18
You know what? No.
14:21
What I'd really like to talk about is the, um— uh— uh— uh—
14:29
the Chinese.
14:31
The Chinese threat to our domestic concrete industry.
14:36
There are over a million Chinese people in China alone.
14:40
And I'm here to tell you, they are a-comin', folks.
14:44
They know math. They know kung fu.
14:47
And they've been going pee-pee in our Coke for years!
14:50
So let's keep the yellow out of our red, white and blue!
14:54
Whoo-hoo! - [ Woman ] Way to go, Sarah!
15:04
ole! [ Jazz ] - [ Chattering ]
15:06
Nagel, you're a genius.
15:09
Sun-faded prints of your paintings...
15:11
will never be found in Korean hair salons.
15:16
Mr. Nagel, sir, I have traveled a great distance to see you.
15:21
You paint my dream girl today, and I need to know who she is.
15:25
Oh, I'm touched by your passion, young man.
15:28
I'll help you on your lover's quest.
15:31
But first, share in some cherry wine.
15:37
Um, cherry wine tastes pretty weird.
15:40
That's because I put a bunch of weird, illegal things in it.
15:45
[ All Laughing ]
15:47
Nagel, you son of a bitch, let's drug some kids.
15:51
Oh, you kidding me? You already cut the turkey?
15:57
Well, Sarah, it's been fun, but all good characters must come to an end.
16:01
Sarah. Jed Farnsworth of the Cherino Concrete Corporation.
16:04
I haven't heard someone speak with that much passion...
16:06
since my fat friend discovered Buca di Beppo.
16:09
Wow. Thank you.
16:11
Look, I want you to come manage my Portland facility.
16:14
It's the most prestigious job in the concrete industry.
16:17
I— I don't know what to say.
16:20
Say yes, and tomorrow you can fly to your new life in Economy Plus...
16:23
with only one stop in Denver.
16:27
What are you doing? What's there to even think about?
16:30
You're right.
16:31
Mr. Farnsworth, I'll take that job in Portland.
16:34
Wait. What?
16:37
[ Sighs ] Well, there goes my two-year chip.
16:42
Stale as the dickens.
16:44
[[ Man ] Thank you to Timothy Creehan Of Salina, Kansas...
16:46
for sending us this week's winning joke.
16:56
Francine, you're not actually taking the job in Portland? Think about your family.
17:00
Francine Smith spent her whole life thinking about her family.
17:03
And what did it do for her? Nada.
17:07
Francine, listen to me.
17:08
Wait. You throwing that away? This would make a perfect cape.
17:13
I am the Tender Vigilante.
17:17
This city's in pain, and it needs my tender justice.
17:23
Oh, my God, it's working!
17:26
[ Crash ] - [ Car Alarm Blaring ]
17:28
[ Gasps ]
17:30
Hey, sleepyhead.
17:32
Wha-— What happened? - You passed out.
17:35
It's a shame.
17:37
You missed the creation of my latest masterpiece.
17:42
She was here, and I missed her?
17:45
No, my dear Smurf, you are her.
17:49
While you slumbered, I stripped you naked...
17:51
placed a black wig on you, put a cougar in your lap...
17:53
and— [ Chuckles ] Voilà! No!
18:04
[ Screams ] - The girl in the painting was you, wasn't it, Steve?
18:08
How— How did you know?
18:10
Because I was once in love too.
18:19
The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance.
18:27
[ Sighs ]
18:29
Welcome aboard, Sarah.
18:47
Ms. Blanch, your limo is waiting to take you to the airport.
18:50
Thank you, Jonathan.
18:52
And did you give any thought...
18:53
to joining my family for Christmas dinner?
18:55
We hate the thought of you spending another holiday alone.
18:58
Thank you, Jonathan, but I'll be working.
19:00
Plus, you know I don't dine with robots.
19:03
Oh. But you weren't complaining last night...
19:05
when I spent the better part of two hours eating your— baaa!
19:23
Broxton, before we go to the hotel, can we make a stop first?
19:41
I've seen enough, Broxton.
19:49
Ms. Blanch.
19:51
Back for another concrete convention.
19:53
It's been 10 years and three more Garry Marshall movies.
19:57
Let me ask. Are you happy with the life you've chosen?
20:01
No. No, I'm not.
20:03
Well, there's always a way back.
20:09
Uh—[ Clears Throat ] Sorry. Here.
20:19
The Tender Vigilante doesn't have... insurance.
20:26
[ Sighs ]
20:28
We need to talk. I'm you from the future.
20:31
Really?
20:33
When did I get Paulie Walnuts hair?
20:35
Don't get in that car.
20:41
Bye, guys. Have a good day. - Wait. What about breakfast?
20:44
I'm happy to make you breakfast every day except Thursday.
20:48
Thursdays are for me.
20:52
[ Narrator ] And from that moment on...
20:54
Francine made Thursday her day—
20:57
a day to do whatever she pleased
21:00
Yeah, girl Do your thing.
21:03
Get your Thursday on.
21:11
Man, was that close.
21:46
Bye! Have a beautiful time.
